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Encouraging and uplifting conversations to help strengthen your family relationships.
Have you ever been tempted to tell somebody else how selfish they are? Have you ever looked in the mirror and honestly thought about your own selfish
Wynand:tendencies?
Wynand:Well, you're listening to the relationship lift. A short conversation brought to you by Family Life New Zealand to help you grow together as a couple. Join us for a topical discussion designed to keep you encouraged and equipped on the growth journey. We know that great marriages don't just happen. So let's journey together as we pursue oneness so that you too can make a great marriage your reality.
Wynand:Today's conversation is part of the bricks and hammers series, where we talk about building our relationships with the bricks that will lead to a strong and lasting relationship, and putting down those hammers that cause destruction. In this discussion, we talk about how adopting a posture of service can be the antidote to our selfish tendencies, and how we are all called to live a life of maturity and service to 1 another out of love. Enjoy the discussion.
Andrew:Andrew O'Keefe with you on the program today, and, talking, bricks and mortar, but no, this isn't the real estate section. This is talking about building your home through metaphorical bricks. Vanna Jacobs from Family Life joining me now. Kia ora. Good morning.
Wynand:Kia ora. Good morning, Andrew.
Andrew:I've been loving this bricks metaphor, and, you guys at Family Life, you've gone all out. You've got actual, foam bricks. Now you're not recommending that you use these these bricks to build a house, literally, although buying these bricks, this is an investment into not just your marriage, but other people's. Tell us how that works.
Wynand:Okay. Yeah. So right now, we're, basically, gathering new partners to help support the work we do. Yep. And so $20 a month represents 1 brick, and our goal for this year is, to gather a 1, 000 brick builders.
Andrew:We
Wynand:call them building partners.
Andrew:I I think it's a fantastic metaphor. Just 1 question asking for a friend. So, if I did a $100 a month, would I get 5 bricks?
Wynand:If you do a $100 a month, you get 1 brick, but you become a building partner plus, and you get some other things in return. So thank you for pointing that out.
Andrew:No. No. This is absolutely fine. And, you know, just people say, oh, well, it's not like 1 of those things you do at the supermarket. You collect the coupons and you get more.
Andrew:No. No. This is this is a symbol of partnership with family life, which is a very good thing to do. Wanted to unpack this, this brick metaphor a little bit more. Now last week, we had bricks and we had hammers.
Andrew:The bricks are for building up. The hammers are for knocking down. Right?
Wynand:That's right. And we wanna think sledgehammer. Yeah. But we actually don't wanna think sledgehammer. But in reality, a lot of the things we do in our marriage act like a sledgehammer, and they break down what we're trying to build.
Wynand:Yeah. Okay? So, yeah, the the the 2 that I wanna look at today, and we touched on this briefly last week, is the brick of service Mhmm. And the hammer of selfishness.
Andrew:Okay.
Wynand:Okay. Now I don't know about you, Andrew, but, I know we all know a selfish person in our life.
Andrew:I'm very I'm very close to 1.
Wynand:Okay.
Andrew:Right now, in fact.
Wynand:How do you help a selfish person identify that they're being selfish?
Andrew:Gosh. That is a tricky 1, because pointing it out doesn't seem to help. I I, although to be fair, I do have people in my life who help me by pointing it out sometimes, but I don't always receive it well. It is it is a very tricky 1 because if you're being selfish, that's the last thing you wanna hear. Right?
Wynand:Well, exactly. And it it's often a blind spot, you know, for all of us. The reality is that selfishness in a relationship has a tendency to isolate us. Yeah. Right?
Wynand:Selfishness means I'm thinking about me Mhmm. And I'm not necessarily considering the other person's perspective or their opinion.
Andrew:Yep.
Wynand:Now although my opinion might be valid or valuable, selfishness means I'm not focusing on them as well. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with having an opinion. There's nothing wrong with having needs and sometimes even focusing on that self care and those needs. But I'm talking about selfishness in the context of our relationship and how it would actually break down that relationship.
Wynand:Listen to what the Bible has to say about selfishness and and why I think it's, the hammer in our analogy. Mhmm. Philippians 2 verse 34 says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Yeah. Rather, in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interest, but each of you to the interest of the others.
Wynand:Wow. No. That is So
Andrew:That is super good, isn't it?
Wynand:I mean, Paul said it really well.
Andrew:And he was a single guy, to be fair, because while you were talking, I was thinking, you know what, if you want to win every argument and get your own way about how you should run your life, be a single person. Marriage involves a little bit of compromise and a a lot less selfishness. Right?
Wynand:Well, there's another scripture that says if marriage is for you, you know, so recognizing that it's probably not for everyone.
Andrew:It's not for everyone. Yeah.
Wynand:If you can grow into the bigness of marriage, I think is what it loosely translates to. Yeah. So so there's definitely a core when we are married. We're talking married relationships. Right?
Wynand:I think of another analogy about around selfishness is you think parent, baby.
Andrew:Yeah.
Wynand:Okay? Yep. Baby wakes up in the middle of the night scream crying because I have needs. Mhmm. I'm hungry.
Wynand:I'm sleepy. I've got tummy ache. Whatever the case Mhmm. Or I've got a a nappy. So the baby cries focused on their needs, and the parent responds focused on helping the baby.
Wynand:Yeah. Right? Meeting their needs.
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:The thing is, on the 1 side of the spectrum, you have it's all about me, me, me, what I need, and I need it now. Yeah. And on the other side of the spectrum, I'm offering up my much needed sleep to serve this child of mine. Yep. And so service is the antidote, if you will, to selfishness.
Wynand:Mhmm. Right? I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying you won't be selfish. Yeah. But I'm saying when you're tempted to pick up the hammer of selfishness Mhmm.
Wynand:Or you've be you're being made aware in your relationship that you've been acting in a way that was guarding your own interest, maybe more so than the others Yeah. Why don't you build the brick? Right? Build the brick of service instead. Yeah.
Wynand:It's like an antidote, really. Mhmm. And and think of this thing of, okay. Sure. I've got needs right now, but what's more important?
Wynand:And more often than not, what's more important is our connection. What's happening in our relationship. And there's a beauty that happens in a flourishing marriage. If I'm meeting and I'm serving my spouse, then there's a there's a reciprocation that takes place. In this environment, my needs are also being taken care of.
Andrew:No. Totally. And that, that reciprocal aspect, I mean, hopefully, as as, husband or wife, our spouse, is also reading Philippians, and and they're putting our needs before theirs, and it it all works out well. And and the other aspect of this relationship is you don't wanna be the baby in the relationship. You don't wanna be the 1 that says me, me, me, meet my needs.
Andrew:You know, you and and, hey, if you're a couple with young children, you need to take turns in that space. Right? You need to,
Wynand:you need to take turns in being a baby? No. Meeting the needs of the baby?
Andrew:Well, possibly for some both, but I I meant the other 1, that that that actually, sometimes, serving your spouse looks like saying, hey. That thing that you need to do, I'll do that. I've got that covered. I'm putting, your needs before my own in this situation. This is this is the brick of serving.
Andrew:Right?
Wynand:Exactly. And, look, later on in the series, we will talk about the whole 5050 mindset because that thing of serving and then keeping score, that doesn't work either. So can I just raise the bar here? We're all hopefully disciples of Jesus. And and and he actually says, if anyone wants to follow me, he needs to consider the cost Yep.
Wynand:And take up his cross and follow me and deny himself. Sorry. I just butchered 3 different verses in 1 day, but We're following essence. Yep. In essence, through service, I'm not doing it to receive something back.
Wynand:Yep. I'm not thinking about what the outcome of this would be. I'm purely doing it in obedience to my lord and the call to love others Yeah. Through serving them. So today, if you can relate to the selfishness sledgehammer, and you may have employed that maybe 1 too many times in your marriage, why don't you take the brick of service instead?
Andrew:Exactly. And, hey, be like Jesus, who is the mortar between our bricks in every strong marriage. Wainerd, of course, if if people wanted to find out more, especially about those those cool foam bricks, they can check it out at familylife.nz. Thanks for what you and the team do. Thanks for joining us.
Wynand:Awesome. Thanks for having me.
Wynand:Thanks for listening. I'm Wainer Jacobs from the Family Life New Zealand team, and this has been another oneness resource to help you grow together in your marriage. Check us out online at familylife.nz for more information on events, training, and other amazing resources. Let's fight the drift, move towards each other in oneness, and impact our corner of the world together. See you next time.