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Your Second Act isn't just about starting over; it's about starting smarter. You’ve left the safety of a structured career to follow your passion, and while the opportunity is exciting, the uncertainty is real. You have the vision and the drive, but without a roadmap, that leap of faith can quickly feel like a freefall.
Welcome to Second Act Business Owner, the podcast dedicated to ensuring your new venture lands on solid ground.
Hosted by Lee Gray—an award-winning ActionCOACH, certified executive trainer, and serial entrepreneur—this show is for the courageous professionals who are trading corporate stability for entrepreneurial freedom. Lee understands that being an expert in your field doesn’t automatically make you an expert in running a business.
Each week, we strip away the fluff to provide the real-world MBA training you need to turn chaos into clarity. From navigating the emotional rollercoaster of ownership to mastering the mechanics of profit, Lee brings the structure and strategy required to build a legacy.
Hit follow and let’s get to work.
Ep15
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[00:00:00]
Lee Gray: Welcome back to the Second Act Business Owner podcast. We are so, so, so happy you're here today. We're going to be talking about something that I think you're gonna like. Well, I know you're gonna like it, ~it might be a little bit deep ~It may feel like it's a little bit of a deep topic. What we're gonna talk about is the identity iceberg.
So the question I have for you is why is it that sometimes [00:01:00] what you see isn't what you get? That's an interesting question. Why is it that s- sometimes what we see isn't what we get? The other thing I'm going to be asking you at the end of our podcast today is what is a belief that you have that may not be serving you well, that may need to be adjusted?
So I'm gonna come back to that. I wanna talk to you about the identity iceberg.
Actions Above Waterline
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Lee Gray: So picture with me the ocean, and there's an iceberg, and you know how you see the, the very top of the iceberg. And in people and i- and in business, and in life, what we see above the waterline are actions. People see our actions, we see others' actions.
We see others' behaviors, people see our behaviors. We see people's decisions, they see our decisions. Those are the things that we can see, you know, above the waterline. An example of that might be you see someone's always late. They're showing [00:02:00] you they're always late. They've made a decision not to plan, not to prepare.
~Uh,~ their behavior shows that they don't consider the meeting that they're attending with you perhaps important, or it could just be the opposite. Behaviors reflect positive and also the things that we don't necessarily want to have reflected, but that's what we see above the waterline in the big old ocean.
Skills Below Surface
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Lee Gray: Now, right below the waterline is skills. That's where skills live. And you know how it is when you get to know someone. After a while, you find out, gosh, that person's skilled maybe at playing the guitar, or maybe they are skilled at public speaking, or maybe they're skilled at, ~um,~ some kind of fitness, or they like to cook.
They're really skilled at something like that. But when you first see a person, like from a distance, like if someone's looking at you as a, as a second actor, they may look at you, and all they're gonna see are the actions, how you show up, your decisions, also how you show up and the [00:03:00] things that you say and do, and then also the behaviors.
Right below that, though, those skills, as we get to know people, start showing up a little bit, and skills are not something arbitrary. If you think about the skills that you have, you have those skills really for m- many reasons, but because it's something you believed in. Now I wanna talk to you about the next layer below in that iceberg.
So we've got above the waterline- We've got the three, actions, behaviors, decisions. Right below that are skills, and you can start seeing skills in people once you get to know them a little bit.
Beliefs Drive Skills
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Lee Gray: Then right below the skills are our beliefs. So that's a little bit deeper there in the iceberg, but those beliefs that we have had maybe since we were three, four, eight, 10 years old are still sometimes f- affecting our decisions and our choices that we make, especially around the skills that [00:04:00] we decide to get.
So what do I mean by that? Let's say I am ... I believe that I am an amazing cook, and I love to show off my cooking skills. I believe that what I make for people is wonderful, and I believe that they love what I fix. So, ~uh,~ my skills are going to support that belief. I'm gonna take cooking classes. I'm gonna spend time on the weekend looking up recipes that I wanna try, all because I believe that about myself.
Now, if I did not believe that I had the skill of being a great cook, what's the likelihood I would have a dinner party where I would wanna prepare a meal? Not, not very likely. So my belief in whether I believe I can or I can't cook is going to determine the skills that I ultimately decide to take on in my life.
Values Shape Beliefs
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Lee Gray: So now one more layer below are my values. So we're raised from early [00:05:00] on in our values, right? We have been taught values are we value time. We value freedom. Maybe we value the ability to come and go as we please. Maybe ~ we val- value structure. S-~ we value structure so much so that when, when we're around other people who are unstructured, it might maybe even drive us crazy a little bit.
But the values that we've been brought up with, they can be political values. They can be religious values. They can be family values. Those are the kinds of things that subconsciously make their way into our brains, our bodies, our thoughts. And from those values, we determine what we believe in, and from what we believe in, we determine what our skills are going to be It's kind of a process, isn't it?
Identity Self Talk
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Lee Gray: Well, next step in the iceberg is our identity. So our true ~identi-~ identity is ~really formed and strong,~ formed deeply in that iceberg. And [00:06:00] here's what I like to, to say about the identity. Our identity, your true identity, are the things that you say to yourself when you're alone. For example, "Ugh, I am always late," or, "I am going to get a sale today."
Whatever I am, I am a good mom, I am a good dad, I am a good teacher, I am a good second actor, I am good at business, I am good at marketing, whatever you say is the truth. And what's interesting about this intrinsic identity is we're thinking it throughout the day. unfortunately, it's usually not the positive I ams that prevail.
It's I am always late, I am never going to be wealthy, whatever is our true identity. Good news is it can be shifted, so we're gonna talk about how to do that also. So the identity then that we have forms our values again further, [00:07:00] undergirding the beliefs that we have, ultimately helping us decide what skills we're going to have and how we're going to get along in life, and the skills that we have ultimately display our actions, our behaviors, and our results in life.
Environment Ocean Effect
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Lee Gray: Now, if you think about an iceberg ~The,~ the biggest thing around the iceberg is the actual ocean. So the actual ocean around that iceberg is, is what we call, in the identity iceberg, our environment. Think about how big that ocean is around that iceberg. Seems like the iceberg's really big, and it is, but still, that environment has so much of an impact on that iceberg.
If we take an iceberg and move it to the South Coast in some warm climate, that's going to be a very different iceberg than one that's ~in,~ in Alaska. Very different. So where we are and where we sit and where we hang out, who we hang out with, is really, really fundamental in forming our iceberg of [00:08:00] our identity, our values, our beliefs, our skills.
In the environment are things such as the news we consume, the people we hang around with, the food we eat, the places we go, the education that we get. All that is our environment. Sometimes it seems like the environment happens to us. ~Do,~ do you know what I mean when I say that? It's like, oh my gosh, all, all the political things going on in the world is that, that's happening to me.
It's in my environment, but I don't have to swim with it.
How to Shift Levels
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Lee Gray: So the beautiful thing about the identity iceberg, my favorite thing about the identity iceberg, is that we can make shifts in each of the levels of our iceberg, starting with the environment. Who do you hang around with? Who do you need to be hanging around with that you're not hanging around with now?
That can change your environment in a big way What's the identity, the thing that you say yourself about yourself when you're by yourself? What words need to change? What words can you say to yourself instead of, "I [00:09:00] am always late," that, "I am going to be on time and prepared"? What value do you want to leverage?
If you value, ~um,~ accuracy and time, leverage those things. Double down on them. Double down on the- That makes you who you are. Then the beliefs that you may need to let go of. For example, ~if,~ if you've been told your whole life... Like wh- when I was a little girl, I was always told that I talk to everybody.
Wherever I go, I leave with five friends. I believed that. ~I,~ I didn't know whether it was true or not. Someone told me that, and it became my belief. It is a true thing about me, but that was a belief given to me. Many of us have beliefs given to us that aren't necessarily serving us well, so we get to change our beliefs.
If you still believe in Santa Claus, for example, that would be one belief you could shift if you so choose. Those beliefs then can support the skills that you want to have in order to get the results in your life, [00:10:00] the behaviors in your life, and the actions in your life. So the identity iceberg, when you think about it as a person, it's, it's a deep thing.
But remember, if you start with the environment, start making a shift there, ~address those identity accurac- uh, uh, addre-~ address those inaccurate identities, leverage your values that you love and that make you who you are, move the beliefs around so that they support what you want to achieve in life, and then get skills to support that.
Your Action Steps
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Lee Gray: I'm going to ask you to look at one environmental change in your life. I want you to shift one identity. I want you to share a value that you have that means a lot to you with someone else. Get it out of your head and into the world. And then what's one belief that you need to change in order to serve yourself better?
Once you've done that, now you can think about, "Okay, I've got a skill I wanna learn." Maybe you wanna take a marketing class. If you're a second [00:11:00] actor and you're getting in business for the first time, take a business class. If you want to learn how to sell, take a sales class. If you wanna get fit, take a fitness class.
The answers to world's questions can really be summed up in the identity iceberg. I hope this has been helpful to you. I love the Identity Iceberg as a concept.
Observe Others
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Lee Gray: It makes so much sense, and what I challenge you to do is look around. Look at the behaviors, actions, and results that you see of others, and think about, gosh, what skill could be driving that?
What do you think the belief is that is causing them to do or not do something? What value is it that they have that could be influencing their behaviors, and what's the identity? Listen to what people say. They'll tell you who they are pretty early on when you have a conversation with them, and that can get clear to that identity.
Usually, that happens after you've gotten to know them a little bit. Remember, above the [00:12:00] waterline are the things we can see easily, because we can't really hide those things. And then the environment. Where do they spend their weekend? You know, the difference between spending your weekend in the recliner watching Netflix ~and,~ and spending time outside, and spending time with people that you love, and doing a little bit of studying is a huge change in environment, if you think about the two differences, and how does that impact us, ~uh, the,~ the re- remainder of the week?
You know, the things that we do in our environment affect us all day long, 24/7, 365.
Wrap Up
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Lee Gray: I hope you've enjoyed the Identity Iceberg. I certainly have. ~Um, I,~ I want you to tell me what skill is it that you want to learn based on the Identity Iceberg? Share it with us here today. I'd love to hear it. I would love to hear more about where you are and ~what you're,~ what you're thinking about in your life.
I'm Coach Lee with ActionCOACH Business Coaching, and what I feel like expressing is the Identity Iceberg ~is,~ is big, [00:13:00] and complex, and small, and simple, all at the same time. I love it, and I hope you'll spend some time thinking about it. What do you feel like expressing? And as a reminder, we have an assessment that we would love to share with you. Takes just a few minutes, and you can answer those questions, and it'll give you some insight where you are on the journey to your second act.
You can find that link in the show notes