Letters

"Oh, I never like these letters. Always seeking more money, changing sides…"

 

"A bit like the Senate"

"Yesss…"

Before the rise of the telephone, the efficiency of the email and the anxiety of sending a text to a crush, we had a the written word scribbled onto scrolls and papers covered in wine stains and pawprints.

Lord Caesar and Sensus go through their latest correspondents from girlfriends and mercenaries alike. Both bringing news, fear and complications in the Ancient world of olives, orgies and big marble statues.

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar                
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus                
Thomas Taufan as Voice

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Two, Letters)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEER.

HIGH HEELS ON A STONE FLOOR GETTING CLOSER AND THEN STOPS.

CAESAR: Ave Sensus.

SENSUS: Arvo Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: That time already? My sundial must be slow.

SENSUS: Nice heels, my lord.

CAESAR: I’m breaking them in for Cleo.

SENSUS: I would have been more than willing.

CAESAR: Well I thought I would do something nice for her. Something that doesn’t require a vast
amount of money or the favour of some political or royal personage.

SENSUS: How nice. But if you need a break or…

CAESAR: I’m wearing the heels Sensus. Besides, they make my calves more shapely.

(BEAT)

Well, what news do you have?

SENSUS: A letter from Queen Cleopatra my Lord.

CAESAR: Huh, speaking of the Saucy Minx…save that one for last, would you Sensus?

SENSUS: Very well, my Lord. Now, we have a short note from our Norse mercenaries fighting in Spain,
presently.

CAESAR: Oh, I never like these letters. Always seeking more money, changing sides…

SENSUS: A bit like the Senate.

CAESAR: Yesss…

SENSUS: Shall I read it, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Mmmn, please do.

SENSUS: Out loud?

CAESAR: Even better, Sensus.

SENSUS: I’ll translate.

CAESAR: Is it hard to read?

SENSUS: It's in Norse Code.

CAESAR: I see.

SENSUS: We have taken Barcelona.

CAESAR: Good Gods...... where?

SENSUS: Five miles East.

CAESAR: Why would they do that?

SENSUS: Apparently it gets the sun just that little bit earlier.

CAESAR: Interesting.

SENSUS: It continues. Apparently the battle was torrid as swords were in short supply.

CAESAR: Short swords?

SENSUS: No, short supply.

CAESAR: What about broad swords?

SENSUS: It appears that their women weren't fighting with them.

CAESAR: So, what did they use?

SENSUS: Well, they ripped off their clothes and attacked the city naked.

CAESAR: Really?

SENSUS: Apparently when the city saw them attacking they threw open the gates and welcomed them
with open arms.

CAESAR: And....

SENSUS: Warm feelings.

CAESAR: Interesting.

SENSUS: It goes on.

CAESAR: I could imagine ....... they have such staying power.

SENSUS: I meant the letter.

CAESAR: Oh, course, go on.

SENSUS: As a result of the battle, they plan to take the city again and again.
They are returning the money you have paid them and offer you their
heartfelt thanks.

CAESAR: Well. There is a change.

SENSUS: It seems the tide may be turning.

CAESAR: I wonder if we could attack Barcelona?

SENSUS: Wonderfully tempting. Now the letter from Cleopatra, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Oh, please. (CLAPS HANDS IN ANTICIPATION.)

SENSUS: To my Lord Caesar, ruler of the Roman Empire, Commander of the Legions, the Lion of
Empires, of Magnificent and Sturdy Frame, Rock of the Mediterranean, Most Erect Pillar of
Goodness, Greetings and blessings from your beloved.

CAESAR: Oh, wonderful, do go on.

SENSUS: It's bin night, don't forget the recyclables. Signed and sealed "your babe, Cleo".

CAESAR: Already? Nuts.

SENSUS: Shall I take a reply, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: What's the point, Sensus? There's no point arguing.

SENSUS: Just like the Senate.

CAESAR: Oh no, Sensus. I can win an argument in the Senate.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones