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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you can hear me, but I I I found a park, and the kids can play at the splash pad, so I can talk for just a minute. And they're big than kids. They're grown when I'm not looking. They're gonna be bigger than me. Two two of them are bigger than me.
Speaker 1:I I don't even know how it happened. But but there's splash pad, and nobody else is here. By the first time, we found an empty one where only we can play by ourselves. So we we we was playing in the splash pad. But, also also, I gotta tell you that I've been doing some thinking because I went at therapy, and I did not know well, I had some problems at therapy.
Speaker 1:And at therapy, I had some problems because I didn't know and I didn't understand. But now now I do understand, and I learned myself some hard lessons. And I learned lessons about how well, therapy is a business. I didn't know therapy was a business. I know we have therapy office, and I know we go see her at her office.
Speaker 1:And I know this is my office, and you are safe, and I know that. But I didn't know that the office was business. I thought our appointments were for buddies. I thought we were buddies. I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Now they all just wanna know what I'm talking about, so I'm walking. I I need privacy to think about hard things. But I can go a little ways down the sidewalk, and I can see them. Everybody is safe, and nobody else is here. But then I'd have some privacy.
Speaker 1:Because when you when you got six outside kids running around, you got all them inside kids running around, you don't got no privacy for nobody. Nobody nobody can. But I wanna talk about some things that are things I was learning. So so so some things I I gotta I gotta talk about this because I gotta fix it. I I need to fix the problem because we've been stuck and it was been sad and it was scary and and I just I just wish things can be like they was, but they cannot because when things was, well, that's memory time.
Speaker 1:And now here I am at now time, and things was not yet here. So I've been confused, and I had a hole in my heart of sadness, some big feelings like sadness. But really, it was my own doing. And so I gotta crawl myself out of here if I'm gonna fix it. And I wanna fix it.
Speaker 1:And I gotta do right by my friends because doing right by your friends, that's important. And if I learn a hard lesson, well, that's too bad for me. And I may not like it, but I gotta do it because, well, because it's the right thing and because things aren't gonna get better. I'm just sitting around being sad and not doing my work. So I was listening to the new therapist.
Speaker 1:I did not tell her my name. I did not tell her I was there, but I was listening at her. She alright. She alright, I reckon. But she's not my buddy.
Speaker 1:And I I wouldn't tell her that, but you won't say that because you don't wanna be rude. You can't be rude. That's not even nice. You gotta be nice, but you also gotta be brave, and you also gotta be strong. And I gotta learn how to do all those things at the same time.
Speaker 1:So so I reckon I gotta talk about it. And I'm watching her, and I'm listening at her. And what she said at me was that the office, for her to be a therapist is not about being buddies because I wanna be her buddy. I I had a buddy one time, and they just left a hole in my heart. And I I can't do it again like that.
Speaker 1:I don't I don't I don't even know. I don't even know. I just I just reckon this been a mess, and it's time we clean it up and I want to fix things proper. So with that, I I think before I didn't understand things. I thought I'm safe and you were safe and we can be safe together and so we're buddies.
Speaker 1:And we had a lot of getting along together and a lot of good times together. And sometimes we talk about hard things too. Because if you have a buddy, you can tell them hard things and they are not even mad at you. They are zero mad if they're your buddy. So that's what I did.
Speaker 1:I I talked to my buddy, and I said things, and I told told her things. And sometimes we had good time. Sometimes we'll play football, sometimes we talk about hard things, but but I just thought, I don't know, like, I'm not a dumb kid. I'm not. Oh, man.
Speaker 1:That tree looks like it got face on it. Oh, that's creepy. I'm gonna turn around the other way and I'll be looking at by a tree. I like trees though. Trees are good for climbing.
Speaker 1:I like climbing trees. Me and these outside kids, we climb trees a lot. I'm pretty good at climbing trees. But I did not climb trees with my buddy. And I got to thinking, if you got buddy, tree climbing is a pretty good thing to do.
Speaker 1:So why did I not ever climb trees with my buddy? Well, it's because we always at her office. Right? And so I'm thinking because I'm a smart cookie and I'm thinking about this. And I'm looking at this new therapist.
Speaker 1:I don't even know she's real. She's just on a computer talking, listening, and she sits real still and wait on me. And I'm like, oh man you might as well stop waiting because there ain't nothing coming out of my mouth. But she pretty nice so I just keep watching her and paying attention. What I like about it is I can color or play with things and she can't see me because it's not on the computer.
Speaker 1:It's just like next to the computer, but it's not on the camera. And I'm thinking, man, did we come a long way beyond the computer with all them cameras? Because I never thought in a hundred million years we could ever do that. But you know what feels pretty good? Being the boss of your own camera and I'm thinking that's nobody hurting us.
Speaker 1:That's me being the boss of myself and us being the boss of our own camera so maybe we win that round I think we do get bad if I had my buddy but I don't have my buddy no more. I left a hole in my heart. But that's what I was thinking about. So I just asked I just asked that new therapist. I asked her asked her about well, so I was gonna ask that new therapist question about her office because I don't wanna break the rules.
Speaker 1:Because if you break the rules at therapy, you know what happens? You never get to see them again. That's what leave a hole in my heart. If you can't go back to therapy, then you don't get to see them. But if you don't go at the office, you also don't get to see them.
Speaker 1:So you can't get appointment in the office, but out of the office, there are no appointments. So you just, you just sit there in the grass for a year, crying, missing your buddy. That's no way to live. That just leave a hole in your heart and burn you up like fire because it's hurting so much. Even if you have fire, you have some marshmallows, that feels better.
Speaker 1:Marshmallows. But we're careful about fires. You know? I don't I don't wanna talk about it. But this new therapist, you know what she did?
Speaker 1:The very first day, she told me all the rules. And here's what's good about that is I'm a good kid. You gotta know this. I didn't mean to be naughty. I don't mean to be bad.
Speaker 1:I'm I'm a pretty good kid. So what you need to know is that when I'm being a good kid, if I know the rules, I can follow the rules. You know why? Because I wanna die. I wanna get beat up.
Speaker 1:I wanna be beat. I wanna get hurt or locked up or nothing. So if there be rules, I just need to know them and I can follow them. And she told me in rules for the very first time and then I thought oh man oh man oh man that's where I mess up. I mess up because I didn't know.
Speaker 1:I did not know. I just I'm not stupid kid. I'm not bad kid, but I still ruin everything because I didn't know. I didn't understand. But I just was paying paying attention to having fun and talking to my buddy and we was safe.
Speaker 1:So I didn't even notice the rules, but the new therapist said she said, well, she didn't say these words. I don't remember these words, but I saw them at the journal because we don't got notebooks no more because you gotta have a buddy to have notebooks. And without buddy, you won't have notebooks either. You just lose everything. You lose all your notebooks.
Speaker 1:You lose football. You lose all the good times you had. You lose now time is safe. You lose all the fun laughing and joking. You lose your friends.
Speaker 1:It just leaves a big old gaping hole in your heart. It's just wrong and hurting. You're just drowning in emptiness because they're nothing good. What do you do about that? Nothing.
Speaker 1:You just wait. This new therapist said, you can be buddies at an office. An office is business, not buddies. And I felt so dumb. I got it all wrong and messed everything up, and it's all my fault.
Speaker 1:That's why I gotta fix it proper. Man, that's a good looking boat driving by. I used to be on boats sometimes. It was a long time ago, I think. I thought it was yesterday.
Speaker 1:But I know it's been a whole year because you know why? I heard them fireworks, and I thought oh man I done it again it's a whole year if it's July 4 again I miss it again all year. But it got my attention all right. It said wake up sleepy pants. You've got to pay attention to this.
Speaker 1:But I pay close attention and I listen careful and I fix my ears on my head. I put on my paying attention pants and I look around and sure enough it light up the sky. Then I thought, oh man, oh man, oh man. There's fireworks, and it's fourth of July again. They already had another one, and I just had one yesterday.
Speaker 1:So that's how I know we lost another year. But I gotta pay attention because but that's why I gotta pay attention better because what if that was sniper fire? What if we're back in The Middle East, and I didn't even know it? What if there's bombs going off or guns shooting at me? And I don't even know how am I supposed to take care of them girls if I'm not even paying attention.
Speaker 1:So I gotta stick around better. That's what I think. But when I got a hole in my heart, that air is too heavy to breathe. I can't even get my breath, and I'm just crying. I don't want nobody to see me crying.
Speaker 1:So I just hide in the trees, in the woods, and I think, man, oh, man. Oh, man. It's the last place I ever thought I'd end up in my life. But that's how I became friends with the horses and some cows. I saw a cow have a little baby calf, and I thought that's not a bad deal at all.
Speaker 1:That's kind of nice. Like life's still happening. You know like Easter except that fourth of July because it was just everything being born. I said, hey little buddy you're kind of late in the season aren't you? That's what I said to that little calf.
Speaker 1:He just tried to look at me but he don't know what he's doing yet because he's just a little baby calf. He's all slimy. I said buddy you better clean yourself up before anybody sees you looking like that. Man, oh man, oh man. So if I did not know therapy is a business, therapy is not a buddy, then it's my fault it all got messed up, and I got fix it proper.
Speaker 1:I gotta do something about that because, man, that makes me a bad guy, and I don't wanna be a bad guy. I wanna be a good guy. So I told her. I sent her a message, I said, man, oh, man, oh, man. I said, I am sorry about that.
Speaker 1:I'm very sorry. I learned my lesson I did not know, and I wanna fix it proper. Because even if I wanna be a good guy, sometimes I get it wrong. But you know what? Getting it wrong means I'm learning.
Speaker 1:And I'm good at learning, so I gotta learn this, and I gotta fix it proper. And I just said, man, I just said and I just said, you know what? I just wanna say I'm sorry. And I told her what I learned about business and buddies. And I said, I'm sorry I mess up.
Speaker 1:And I said, thank you because I was a good safe time, a best time of my whole life, and it leave a big old hole in my heart. But I'm awful glad I had it because I didn't even know I had a heart. I didn't even know I had a heart. And you know what that means? That means I'm a Grinch.
Speaker 1:I didn't even wanna be a Grinch. I didn't even know I was a Grinch, but now we know. They pulled off my mask, and there I was all Grinchified with a big old hole in my heart. Nothing ever hurt me so bad as that. And I, a lot of things hurt me.
Speaker 1:My mom punched me in the face my daddy beat me with a belt I've been hungry. I've been all touched up. My eyes say you get off of me. Keep those girls safe. And then here come along the first person to help me and be decent about it and be my buddy, and I done messed it up.
Speaker 1:I thought I'd grow up and be a cool kid and I just grew up and be a Grinch. And I thought that's not okay with me. I gotta do something about that because you remember that sign on her wall it said you always got choice and I thought well I want to choose Grinch. I gotta get over that. We gotta snap me out of that.
Speaker 1:Man, it's getting warm out here. I wish I was on boat. I'd jump right in that lake. Except guess what? Last July 4, I woke up and it was just hot outside when I heard fireworks.
Speaker 1:This year I heard fireworks and I woke up and guess what? We got a pool out there. I mean it's a little big pool but that's as big as me. I can get in there and I can cool off good. I feel nice after that and I'll say man I baptized myself clean off all my grits.
Speaker 1:I gotta repent and say I'm sorry. I gotta fix it. I gotta be nice to people. And then my whole my heart, I just gotta deal with it. I gotta put some putty in there, fill it up, fix it with some tools because there ain't nothing I can do about it now.
Speaker 1:It's over. It's memory time. And I thought, well, maybe that's where I live because that was the nicest, safest place I ever been to was that office. But it's not there anymore, so now that office is memory time too. So here's what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 1:She moved her things to a new office, and I can't go there. So the other office empty and I'll just move my hammock in there and that's where I'll be sleeping inside. It's getting too hot sleeping at ten. The husband he said you know you can sleep in this house. He said, Chris, that's doctor e.
Speaker 1:He said, she paid for it. You can sleep inside. I'm not even here. And I said, well, what happened to you? Why do you move out?
Speaker 1:Now I think everybody's leaving us. Nobody's staying. I don't got nothing except these six loud mouth kids that just laughing and playing in the water in their clothes. They said, we can't play in the water in our clothes. And I said, well, why not?
Speaker 1:Nobody's even here. You might as well play in the water. If you were gonna be if you were gonna be if you were gonna be in your swimsuit, you should have brought them, but you didn't bring them. So I know. I know.
Speaker 1:I know. But I know Em's rules, and I tell her she better take off her shoes. And I tell them they better take off their shoes. But if you see a water park, you see a splash pad and it's on and nobody's there to bother, then it don't matter how big your body is. You just start getting that water and play.
Speaker 1:That's what I think about that. Time to go, buddies. There's little buddies coming. We gotta go. Say bye Park.
Speaker 1:Bye Park. Say bye Sunset. Bye Sunset. Say man that was fun. Man that was fun.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
Speaker 2:We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too. That's what peer support is all about.
Speaker 2:Being human together. So yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.