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For five years The Healthy Compulsive Project has been offering information, insight and inspiration for OCPD, obsessive-compulsive personality, perfectionism, micro-managers and Type A personality. Anyone who’s ever been known to overwork, overplan, overcontrol or overanalyze is welcome here, where the obsessive-compulsive personality is explored and harnessed to deliver what it was originally meant to deliver. Join psychotherapist, Jungian psychoanalyst and author Gary Trosclair as he delves into the pitfalls and potential of the driven personality with an informative, positive, and often playful approach to this sometimes-vexing character style.
Hello everybody, Gary Trosclair here, psychotherapist, Jungian analyst and author of the healthy compulsive book, blog and podcast. Let’s talk about parenting. It’s one of the most difficult and most rewarding jobs in the world. And it has a huge impact on people and the world around us. I wish I could just say, no pressure, but that’s part of the problem. For people who are type a, driven or have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, it’s particularly fraught with high stakes, and pressure feels inevitable. Children need something different from the compulsive’s default approach to the world. It takes utilizing compulsive energy in a very different way, that helps lower pressure rather than raise it. We’ll explore this in today’s episode, in which I’m combining two pieces about parenting originally posted on the Healthy Compulsive Project blog.
This is episode 44 of the healthy compulsive project podcast. 5 Unintended Effects of Type A Parenting, and 17 tips for type a, driven and obsessive-compulsive parents.
If you're a Type A, driven, perfectionist, high-achieving, or obsessive-compulsive parent, you’re probably just as committed to great parenting as you are to achieving in other areas.
What is Type A parenting like? Type A parenting, at one end of a continuum, is characterized by urgency, assertiveness, and competitiveness.
At the other end of the continuum there are possible advantages:
• You give your child the best opportunities you can.
• You make sure things get done when they should and that your child’s material and educational needs are always met.
• And there’s no doubt that you do your best to set a good example for hard work, achieving goals, following rules, and meeting high standards.
But there are side effects of Type A parenting that may not be obvious.
Type A Parents May Send Messages They Don’t Intend.
As a therapist I’ve met parents who are surprised about how their children view them. And as a somewhat Type A parent myself, I’ve had to humbly acknowledge that my efforts at parenting didn’t always convey what I had hoped they would.
We don’t always come across as we would hope. Nor is the impact always what we would hope.
The good news is that recognizing and acknowledging how your personality affects your parenting is half the battle. As a Type A parent, you can then use your natural determination to shift what you convey so that your child gets a better message.
Parenting is not a popularity contest. It’s inevitable that your children will dislike and misunderstand things you do.
And standards are still essential.
But it is possible to diminish the negative, unintended consequences of Type A parenting while still bringing your love and your values to how you raise your children.
Research: Intentions Versus Experience and Impact
Studies about parenting in general can help us see how we may come across and the effects that has on our children's development. Here are five unintended consequences of characteristics associated with Type A parenting:
1. The Hard Work Example
You might feel that you’re providing materially for your kids and providing a good example of the value of hard work at the same time. But the danger is that if you're working too much, when they compare themselves to you, their self-esteem goes down and their anxiety goes up.
One study indicates that the children of parents who are workaholic tend to be less self-accepting, overwork themselves, and have more physical complaints.[1] Even if you don’t express high standards for them, they may experience your high standards for yourself as a standard they’re supposed to meet.
2. Interested Parenting and Intrusive Parenting
You might feel that by taking a deep interest in their welfare you're communicating how much you love them and increasing their chances for a bright future. But if you get too deeply involved, they may experience you as intrusive.
Early childhood research indicates that intrusive parenting may have a negative effect on the child’s resilience, and diminish their ability to regulate attention and behavior.[2] Research on middle childhood suggests that intrusive parenting may increase the chances that your child becomes depressed, anxious, or overly self-critical. [3]
3. Academic Encouragement and Academic Pressure
Think that your academic “encouragement” will help them get ahead? Think again. They may experience this as controlling, and adolescents who experience their parents as controlling actually have lower levels of academic achievement, decreased sense of autonomy, and--get this--a decreased chance of being in a romantic relationship.[4]
Research indicates that a demanding, power-assertive parenting approach is less effective than it was originally claimed to be. Emotionally unsupportive, tough, and shaming parenting are actually less successful in promoting good academic performance than a more emotionally supportive style. While some children raised with this approach may succeed academically, their mental health is often compromised in the long run.
4. Protective or Overprotective?
If you’re protective you may intend to communicate how much you care and the importance of being careful. But if you go too far and become overprotective you may actually communicate that the world is a dangerous place and that your child isn't capable of navigating it.[5]
5. Creativity and the Confident Example
And if you have hopes of encouraging your child’s creativity through your own confidence and certainty, be sure not to come across as authoritarian. That discourages creativity.[6] Your example may communicate to them that there are certain ways of doing things that are “correct,” when creativity actually needs an example of openness and flexibility. Too much confidence might be intimidating to a child who is just finding their way.
Help Needed: More Connection Than Accomplishment
If you are Type A, high achieving, or obsessive-compulsive you may communicate that you value accomplishment more than relationships.
Parents who didn’t attain secure attachment (bonding) with their own parents might find it hard to form secure attachments with others. Because work, accomplishment and finances seem more reliable than people, achievement may become more important.
While early academic or athletic successes might appear at first to boost self-esteem in children, an emphasis on relationships and secure attachment is a better long-term investment. Your pride in their early achievement may leave your child feeling that relationships and happiness are dependent on success, and that love is conditional.
Achieving secure attachment requires unconditional acceptance, and recognition and validation of their feelings. The danger for most Type A parents is skipping over these steps in their urgency to get somewhere. This won’t convey what you really want to convey.
Pumping them up too much—telling them how great they are based on an achievement model—can actually leave them feeling insecure, wondering if they're really as good as you say they are.
Dangers of Pre-Mature and Perfectionistic Expectations
Most parents with this personality style have high expectations for their children. In order to encourage their success, they often value early achievement. And since our brains don’t fully develop until sometime around the age of 26, you could make an argument that in order to succeed children need to be directed more until then.
But even though kids do need guidance and guard rails, they don’t need a sense of urgency. Even if you think you’re soft-peddling your expectations, they may experience those expectations as harsher than they are intended.
It’s more helpful to remember that they just haven’t developed cognitively enough to be able to behave as maturely as you’d like. Yes, some kids do develop quickly and naturally, but these tend to be outliers. Those who are pushed into it may suffer mental health consequences later in life.
Whether it’s how soon they’re potty trained, sleep through the night, clean up after themselves, or speed-read War and Peace in Russian, if you have Type A parenting style you may need to lower or delay expectations.
4 Suggestions for a Better Message
Showing your child your intentions is more effective than telling them. Here are four ways to do that:
1. Listen First; Talk Later
Showing starts with listening.
Receptivity shows more respect for your children, and communicates more confidence in them. It also bears more fruit than lectures.
Think of your job as a parent as less about putting information into them, and more about drawing out their true self. Give them opportunities to express themselves and to think out loud about who they are. Even if they're misbehaving, lead with curiosity. When they feel heard, they are more likely to hear what you have to offer them.
2. Accept Yourself as a Good Enough Parent
One way to model respect and real care is treating yourself with respect and acceptance.
And a little less seriousness.
As parents we will never get it perfect. Thank goodness. If we did our kids would not develop the resilience they need.
Parents who make high demands on themselves are often critical of themselves, and may pass these expectations on to their children. Observing your efforts, children may end up feeling that they aren’t good enough, or aren’t trying hard enough. Acknowledging your mistakes and tendencies with good humor demonstrates an accepting attitude that will also serve them well.
3. Less Performance and More Play
If your own lifestyle is serious and high-achieving, you may need to make special efforts for down-time and play-time with your child. Play is their way of learning. It’s also their way of developing authenticity and creativity. Learning to let loose may be just as important as learning discipline for the child of a very serious parent.
Perhaps most importantly, playing with a child may be the best way to let them know that they are loved.
I'll never forget a Father's Day card from one of my daughters saying that what she really loved was when I cracked jokes and played with her. I don't think I was really that good at either one, but she was able to intuit that if she rewarded the good behavior I did do, it would happen more often.
While it may seem contrary to the project, you may need to put “Play” on your to-do list or personal schedule. This usually makes it more likely for Type A parents to actually make the time to engage in play.
4. Mourn the Loss of Control and Savor the Challenge of Nurturing Who They Are
Some parents who are driven believe that with effort they can shape their child into their ideal of a wonderful human. The child often has different ideas as to what “wonderful” is.
If shaping a child in a particular way was a dream of yours, you may need to grieve that that won’t be possible. Instead, accept and focus on what is possible—discovering and cultivating your child’s authentic self.
As parents we often want to hand down to our children our values. But your children may not be wired as you are: they may value relationships, leisure, or peace of mind more than achievement, mastery, and success.
Gently nurturing who they are authentically is a goal we can put our Type A energy into. The results will not be immediately apparent, but few challenges are as rewarding or important.
Part 2 of Episode 44: 17 Tips for Type A, Overacheiving, Ambitious and Obsessive-Compulsvie Parents
To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, a parent's got to know their limitations.
This is especially true for compulsive parents, and parents who are over-achieving, ambitious, driven, or Type A. They have much to offer their children, but also are at risk of over-controlling, pushing too much, losing patience, and allowing their own personality style to hamper their children's natural development.
There is a limit to what we can get our children to do and how much we can shape them. Accepting that limit, paradoxically, helps us achieve what we can do to help them.
Here are some guidelines written specifically for those of us whose default is to approach life with a little too much determination and not quite enough flexibility. I've divided them into three categories: Perils, Opportunities, and Parental Hygiene.
Perils for Compulsive Parents
Don’t expect them to be like you. Otherwise you’re in for a long painful slog that could make them very unhappy, and--not unlikely—anti-ambitious. In a determined effort to develop their autonomy, they may rebel against your attempts to teach them your way of being successful. Be thankful not everyone is as compulsive or perfectionistic as you.
Don’t call them lazy or selfish. Address their specific mistakes, NOT their character. It’s really important that you demonstrate--and they learn--to distinguish between making a mistake and being a bad person.
Don’t hit. Sorry if this seems obvious to you, but it still happens far too much, and high-strung parents sometimes rationalize doing it. The research is quite clear that spanking and physical abuse actually deter self-control rather than increase it. If your anger becomes intense, wait until you can speak to them in a more productive tone. Tell them they’ve made you very angry and that you’ll speak to them later.
Don’t punish them with silence or avoidance. Beware of being passive aggressive. Compulsive parents can get righteous and justify shutting their kids out. What's more important, being right or helping them?
Don’t abandon them by working too much. Over-achievers are at risk of rationalizing spending too much time at work in order to provide more for their family. Whether you are a mother or a father, your presence is important.
Don't try to create a stress-free life for them. Help them to develop a perspective that stress can actually help us to grow stronger. If you are overly ambitious for their "success," you may be vulnerable to feeling guilty if your kids accuse you of putting too much pressure on them. Trying to over-compensate and protect them from the inevitable stress that comes with school and life is at least as destructive.
Opportunities for Compulsive Parents
Set consistent rules and standards in a matter-of-fact tone. Express confidence that they can meet your expectations. It's not just how high you set the bar, it's how calmly you set the bar. Raising your voice just gives them something to react to and doesn't convey your faith in them.
Expect that whatever you say will be stored in their head for decades. You won't see it as it's happening, but for better or worse everything you say becomes part of the map they use to navigate the world--re-actively or pro-actively.
Expect them to resist. That’s how they develop their strength, independence, confidence and maturity. Don’t take this personally, or as a sign that they'll never grow up.
Tell them whenever they do something well. Compulsive parents have a natural tendency to focus on what's wrong and what needs to be fixed. You will probably need to set an intention to focus on what they're doing well.
Make time for fun and exclusive attention. If you are compulsive, this may be very hard for you. But this could also be really good for you. Try to find things to do that you can both enjoy. Set aside time in which they are the exclusive focus of your attention and you're not on your phone. Don't try to multitask during that time.
Listen first. Make sure that you understand their point of view, and that they understand that you understand before you give them your pearls of wisdom. Parents who are driven tend to be impatient to get their point across and miss the important step of listening first. Imagine that you need to build a bridge to them first. Listening builds the bridge. You can then send your ideas back across to them after listening. To really get this read Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's great little book entitled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Parental Hygiene
Don't think you have to be a perfect parent. While it's good to aim high, it's not good to make it a personal necessity. If you think you could or should be perfect, it will just make you defensive when you fail. When you make a mistake just model taking responsibility without making it about you. Even if you could be perfect, that would not be good for your kids. Again, they need to develop resilience.
Come to terms with your own limitations and disappointments. Don't expect them to live out what you were not able to achieve. Don't displace your dissatisfaction with yourself onto them.
Don't expect applause or try to prove your goodness through your parenting. This is about them, not you. They're people, not another project. Don't let your ego get caught up in it. It's rare for kids to appreciate their parents until much later in life. If you don't feel good about yourself, have some empathy for what you're going through and break the cycle of self-attack.
Identify and remember your goal in parenting. Since this is not another opportunity for your achievement, what are you doing this for? What gives it meaning? It's important that you decide this for yourself.
Take the for time self-care and achieving a balanced life-style. That will pay off for all of you.
Parenting can be a torture or a blessing for the over-achiever and their kids. Try to control it too much and everyone will suffer. Accept the limitations and flow with it and you'll grow.