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Encouraging and uplifting conversations to help strengthen your family relationships.
Our relationships just like our homes need maintenance and some tender loving care. Sometimes we need to repaint and sometimes a complete renovation is required. You're listening to the relationship lift, a short conversation brought to you by Family Life New Zealand to help you grow together as a couple. Join us for a topical discussion designed to keep you encouraged and equipped on the growth journey. We know that great marriages don't just happen.
Wynand:So let's journey together as we pursue oneness so that you too can make a great marriage your reality. Today's conversation is the start of a new series on bricks and hammers. That's right. We're talking about the types of bricks that we want to build into our marriage, and then the hammers that we sometimes employ to our own detriment. Join us now for part 1 of this new series.
Wynand:Enjoy the discussion.
Andrew:The contributor to the show, Bernard Jacobs, who is executive director of Family Life New Zealand. Veena, kia ora. Thank you so much for joining us today.
Wynand:Good morning, Andrew. Always a pleasure to be here.
Andrew:Talking today about, well, it's it's sort of a construction topic in some ways, building a marriage that lasts. And, of course, we all go into if if people going into marriage, they think, hey, you know, this is, this is forever. They're wanting to make sure that it's sustainable. They're they're setting themselves up for long term success, but statistically, things don't always work out that way. I mean, hey.
Andrew:You guys at Family Life, you've you've done the research. You know what works and what doesn't. What are some strategies that we can use to improve the odds that we can build a marriage that lasts? Vayner?
Wynand:Well, I think it's important, Andrew, when you think about building a marriage that lasts, we need to think about, okay, what else do we build that we want to last and then what principles do we employ? So today, why don't we go with the analogy of a house, and why don't we go with the analogy of a bricks and mortar house?
Andrew:Okay. Sounds good. Yep.
Wynand:So think marriage. You wanna think bricks. Okay? I actually have a little You
Andrew:have a brick.
Wynand:Brick here.
Andrew:Look at that.
Wynand:A brick. It's even got the family life logo on. So we're talking about bricks and, part of our mission of actually helping build healthy families, godly families. Alright? But think you have a wall that's been built out of bricks.
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:And I was to bring a sledgehammer against that wall.
Andrew:Oh, you got a hammer as well.
Wynand:I got a hammer as well.
Andrew:Okay. Alright. Hammers are used sometimes for construction, but sledgehammers, it's usually the other way around. Right? That's usually for knocking down construction.
Wynand:So, look, sometimes there's some renovation, and there's some walls that that that that will come down. Yep. Right?
Andrew:Exactly.
Wynand:But for the purpose of our analogy in in in marriage today and how we can actually build a marriage to last, think about the the the different things we do. And there are things we do in marriage that could act like bricks Mhmm. Building our marriage, strengthening our marriage, making it last, creating a home for us. Mhmm. Right?
Wynand:And there are things like hammers. Now these things actually destroy and destruct
Andrew:Yeah. Our
Wynand:marriage. Now, hopefully, that's not beyond repair. Yeah. But we need to think about these things we do in our relationship. So I don't know.
Wynand:Maybe we can go through a a few bricks and hammers and, you know, what the different types are. And look, these this isn't, like an exhaustive list. This this is just some ideas, but maybe it's a starting point for some of our listeners today.
Andrew:Yeah. Basically, we're saying choose hammers, not bricks, and and certainly don't throw the bricks at each other. Although, that family life brick that you had there, it looks it looks like a nice it look it looks throwable. It wouldn't break much, would it? Is it?
Wynand:Well, this is a foam brick.
Andrew:It's a foam brick. Okay.
Wynand:Yeah. Yeah. And look. A little shameless plug here. This is actually 1 of our new campaigns where we're inviting people to come and then be partners, helping us build godly homes.
Andrew:So so, hey, an opportunity to not just build your own marriage, but to build strength into marriages all over Aotearoa by supporting the work of family life. I don't mind a shameless plug. Familylife.nz. Do check out, but get your bricks while you can. Right?
Wynand:Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for that, Andrew. Anyway, so if you think bricks, okay, we talk about marriage on a scale of isolation to oneness.
Wynand:Okay? Oneness, obviously, the goal of marriage. Isolation isolation, what happens when we're not moving towards oneness. Okay. So let's talk about a hammer.
Wynand:Okay. This is a hammer. Remember, this destroys our marriage. This destroys the building. The hammer of selfishness, We always we all deal with it.
Wynand:Mhmm. Right? And our marriage isn't gonna last if we don't get over our selfish tendencies. Yep. And I don't say that preaching at everyone else other than myself right now.
Wynand:Alright? Yep. Because when I wake up in the morning, guess whose coffee I'm thinking about. Yeah. Yeah.
Wynand:You know? When when I when I when I wake up in the morning, guess whose calendar I'm thinking about? Yeah. Totally. Okay?
Andrew:Yep.
Wynand:Now we do this at our weekend. We actually tell people to turn towards 1 another and say, you are the 2nd most selfish person I know. Because who's more selfish? I am. Yeah.
Wynand:Exactly. Yep. But this doesn't actually help healthy marriages. So the brick that we wanna build instead of selfishness Mhmm. Is service.
Wynand:Yep. Okay? So think of that. Instead of selfishness, try service. Yep.
Wynand:That's a brick that would build healthy marriages. What about humility? Mhmm. Right? Humility, that's 1 of the bricks that would help a marriage go far.
Wynand:Yep. I was gonna name a few and then we can we can, wrap up our conversation up.
Andrew:Let's let's get the pile of bricks ready to build with. Yeah?
Wynand:Let's get the pile of bricks. What about responsibility?
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:If responsibility and taking responsibility, and and I love saying I love the saying that even if you're only 1% responsible for the problem, you're still a 100% responsible for your 1%.
Andrew:Yes. Exactly. Right?
Wynand:Yep. So the brick of responsibility will actually help you build a healthy, successful marriage. Mhmm. And then the hammer of blame
Andrew:Wow.
Wynand:Is gonna work in the opposite direction. Mhmm. Yes. But you made me do it. Okay.
Wynand:Well, maybe you did something, and I respond to that. But can I take ownership and responsibility for my 1% of the of the problem? Mhmm. You know? I'm gonna give you 1 more break, and maybe we'll land the plan for plane for today.
Andrew:Yep.
Wynand:What about gratitude?
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:If gratitude is a brick, I'm grateful for what I have. I receive my spouse as a gift. I'm not thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. And look, honestly, even if it is, maybe it's time I watered my own lawn.
Andrew:Loving that.
Wynand:Yeah. You know? But on the other side of gratitude is this thing of entitlement. Yep. And maybe discontentment.
Wynand:Mhmm. And maybe our own expectations. We can choose where we sit in our marriage, but but often the power to change our marriage for the better and for the worse, but hopefully let's focus on the better today, lies within our own ability to choose things that would build rather than things that would break.
Andrew:Loving that. And that that pile of bricks that you described, I I suppose, really, it's it's different types of selfishness that if we can put others' needs before ourselves, that that that definitely will help us build a strong brick wall. Can I just lean into the brick metaphor a little bit? Because Go for it. I love the way that, that bricks the way in which you lay a strong brick wall.
Andrew:It's not just 1 up on top of the other. It's moving beyond that mutuality and saying, no, we're not building 2 separate stacks of bricks that are next to each other. There's an interdependence in a strong brick wall that adds strength to it. But, actually, a a brick wall without mortar and just putting God in as the mortar here, that's kinda what's what sticks things together. This is, this is the cement in a relationship.
Andrew:Have I got ahead of myself on this 1, Vayner?
Wynand:Andrew, I think I should give you a job here on our team because you're you're you're spot on the money there.
Andrew:Look. I'm not very good at bricklaying, although, the metaphors are really good indeed. And I'm loving this this idea as well because this is a, I suppose, an opportunity to say, you know, we're building something that lasts. We're, we're building something for our own family and our own marriage and there is something which is self, rewarding in that regard. Everybody wants a happy marriage, yes, partly for their own benefit.
Andrew:But I just want to lean back into this opportunity of saying not just for us, let's build marriages, let's build stronger marriages in New Zealand and and a great opportunity to, to do so through these these these foam bricks that people could buy. Again, I think a guaranteed conversation people to have a a foam brick on your mantelpiece. How can people be involved with this? How can they find out more, Vanit?
Wynand:Yeah. Look, you can actually go to familylife.nzforward/bricks. Yep. And, yeah. Look, our our our, I guess, our our aim and our goal is to build godly homes.
Andrew:Yep.
Wynand:You know, help build godly homes. Marriages is 1 of the keys. And so everything we do is funded by the generous giving of our donors. Mhmm. And so for people that wanna jump on board at $20 a month to help us, We're currently looking to raise a 1, 000 bricks
Andrew:Wow.
Wynand:That will help us with our operational needs. And, look, those that jump on actually do get a physical foam brick as a small, you know, thank you, but I know that's not the reason you No. No. You do that. But, you know, we wanna be building a healthy, strong family environment.
Wynand:For healthy families creates a healthy society. And I wanna just go 1 more thing with that brick analogy there because we think about homes. Yep. But if you think about, like, in biblical times, how people used to live together. Think about cities.
Wynand:Right? Yep. And the city was usually the strength of a city was, illustrated by the walls of that city. Yep. And think about how we build walls of protection.
Wynand:And this is in the good sense. I'm not talking about stonewalling, which by the way you don't wanna do in your marriage. But how we're building into healthy, boundaries for our family, for our marriages, and how that actually creates a stable and healthy environment for everybody within those walls.
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:Okay? But the beauty if I've got a a strong, safe, healthy environment is I could also use it to be hospitable Mhmm. And to invite others into. Yeah. And so the the the the call to action here really is what does your home look like?
Andrew:Mhmm.
Wynand:You know, what does your brick sanctuary, if you will Yeah. Look like? Is it a space where you feel home at home and safe raising children who know who they are, you know, if you have children, or can you invite people from your neighborhood? So the analogy here really goes beyond just families. It goes beyond just marriage.
Wynand:It actually says, how do we create this interwoven society with God at the center, you know, that mortar you mentioned, the cement, I mean, and and then how do we actually work together to make this vision a reality?
Andrew:I love the vision there, building stronger families, homes, and communities. 1 brick at a time, and, of course, you can get your brick at, familylife.nz. Vanna, very much appreciate the depth of this metaphor. Thanks for taking the time to share with us today.
Wynand:Oh, it's a pleasure. Thanks, Andrew. Thanks for listening. I'm Vayner Jacobs from the Family Life New Zealand team, and this has been another oneness resource to help you grow together in your marriage. Check us out online at familylife.nz for more information on events, training, and other amazing resources.
Wynand:Let's fight the drift, move towards each other in oneness, and impact our corner of the world together. See you next time.