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“Know Your Children with Rav Shlomo Katz” is a series about the everyday holy work of raising children with heart, patience, and honesty. Join Rav Shlomo in learning from the sefer Da Et Yeladecha by Rav Itamar Shwartz, author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, and explore how Torah and Chazal guide us in building a healthy, loving connection between parent and child.
This isn’t about perfect techniques or quick fixes. It’s about creating a foundation of truth, learning to really listen, and finding the right “funnel” so that what we want to give actually reaches our children. Each shiur is meant to be practical, gentle, and encouraging, and something you can take home and live with.
Okay, month of... this is the last shiur we're having in the month of Shvat, sponsored by the Aron family in memory of Lillian's Abba, Levi ben Yosef; by the Silvers in memory of בתיה פייגא בת ישראל; anonymously for the Refuah Shleima of שרה בת רחל פייגא, מלכה אלכא בת פערל, שושנה יונה בת עדה, Hilat bat Ilana; and by the Pollaks le'ilui nishmat, Shimon ben Moshe, Tzvi ben Mordechai, שירה רחל בת רב אלתר נתן נטע. Today is sponsored by Matanel Shalev and Nevo Weitzman in honor of their Ima, Meira Weitzman and her holy Koach Shvat birthday today. That's beautiful.
The week is sponsored by Sara and Yehoshua Amen in memory of their grandmothers, טשארנא בת יעקב משה הלוי, Esther bat Refael, and טויבא זעלדא בת זאב.
תהא נשמתם צרורה בצרור החיים. Okay, perfect timing. Here, we could pass these out please.
Warning: today's a trigger. Right. This is a triggering class. This is a triggering...
the whole, you know, being a parent is like a triggering thing. Being a human is a triggering thing. The reason I said trigger because today, today we're going to be touching upon something that I think that quite often comes up at a certain point in parenting. I think it happens, at least with my chevra, I remember this thing came up more or less after you have like one or two children and then you start to...
you start to wonder and start to pay attention to... you start noticing things that you're under the impression you were lacking from home and you start wondering two things: are my children doomed or do I have to have it out with my parents? Or chalila if your parents aren't in the world anymore, how do I deal... how do I deal with Hashem? So this is like... this is a very important thing because what we're going to be speaking about today is how to build up our children's olam haregaishot, how do we build up our children's world of emotions and feelings.
We spoke about it a few... refuah shleima. I left a message last night, I didn't know on Shabbos. I'm going to stop by today, I'll talk to you after shiur.
What happens quite often is that we like we spoke about, the neshama has three levushim, I'm just going to repeat this, we learned this last two shiurim. There are three garments of the soul, meaning that we express ourselves in three ways. Machshava, dibbur, and maaseh. Thought, speech, and action.
And we said so many times already, on an action level we're pretty good in satiating our children for the most part, on a dibbur level we could always do better, on a machshava level is really where a lot of the work still needs to take place. The world of regaishot shows up in machshava, dibbur, and maaseh. The emotional expression, the emotional outpouring, the feeling, can be expressed through the world of thoughts, also vaday through the way I speak to my children, and also through the world of action. Even though a child doesn't...
isn't checking to see how much love and emotions you're putting into sandwiches, they could notice if there's nothing in there. They can actually pay attention to it and notice these things. So this cheilek harigshi, which is what we're really here to work on, none of us are here to learn about how to schedule... how to make our schedules better, or how to, you know, tasks-wise dividing up tasks and vechulu, there are plenty of different eitzos for that.
But I think that we're all here to try to understand how do I mashkia in the cheilek harigshi? How do I invest in the emotional, in the meaningful part of things? So obviously because of what I just said right now, these, you know, these things tend to like press buttons and bring us back to asking questions that are not so comfortable to ask, but I just want to give us koach and say we're we're here to learn, we're here to grow, we're not here to point fingers, we're here to just say, look at our lot right now and say this is what's in front of me right now, Hashem I believe you didn't make any mistakes, not with this child being my child and not by this parent being this child's parent either. That's a very important yesod of emuna we have to keep on rebooting, we have to keep on coming back to all the time. Very very chashuv, very important. So if you see the second paragraph on daf lamed aleph is where we're picking up from today.
אחוז מסוים מהמקרים שבהם ההורים אינם משקיעים בחלק הרגשי נובע מכך שההורים עצמם חסומים רגשית.
דבר הבא לידי ביטוי אף ביחס שבין בני זוג.
המדבר says that quite often when we either aren't investing in the emotional part of the relationship between parents and children or we don't know how to do it either, may stem from the fact that we ourselves as human beings are chasumim, we're closed people. We're closed.
We're doing all the right things but we're still closed, chasumim.
דבר הבא לידי ביטוי אף ביחס שבין בני זוג. And this also appears with spouses. So here this is an interesting chap that he has and I'm not sure how much we're going to be speaking about this, definitely not in not so much in this sefer.
It's a little bit of a of a strong statement. He says that it's very rare that couples that really are know how to be open with each other and that are not chasum to each other, they're not closed to each other. Generally speaking, those couples that know how to communicate with each other and can express love to each other, rarely do you find that oh, when it comes to children though they're completely chasum. It does happen sometimes, there are extreme cases, but this is he's speaking about a person's person being an open person, a person that's not shut down, that's not closed.
Atum literally means sealed. Chasum means blocked. He's using the word chasum. Chasum rigshit.
כאשר המציאות היא אכן כך, הרי ששורש הבעיה הוא קדום בהרבה לבעיית הקשר בין ההורה לילד. When you after a few years of getting to know yourself and open enough to like listening to someone pointing out to you, "You know, you're a pretty closed person, I have no idea who you are." "What do you mean? We hang out all the time." "I have no idea what you're saying. I don't know what you're really saying." We spoke about this last week. You can go to someone's house for a Shabbos meal and you have a very pleasant time and there wasn't one word of emess that was spoken we spoke about this in Rebbe Nachman's shiur and nothing really happened at lunch besides that you ate their food, they said check we had them on our list, I don't have to feel bad anymore when I see them in shul or at functions.
More than that, not so much. Here he's saying over here I think this is what it seems to me is that when there is a lack of of emotional development or paying attention to the lack of expression or misguided expression, meaningful emotional expression to children back and forth, the problem is not really about parents and child. You don't have an issue so much with parent and child. He's saying that's an issue with you, with the person, the person himself.
You're a closed person. You're for whatever the reasons are, there's no blame. We're not blaming, we're just trying to paint a picture of what to work with. Now, most of us are under the assumption that we're not like that.
We're not chasum rigshit, we're not emotionally blocked off. But sometimes you'd be shocked, you'd be under the you'd be under the assumption that you really have that thing going, and when it's not you yourself are a closed person.
פעמים הדבר נובע כתוצאה מכך שהורים אלה גדלו כך כילדים. So it could be that as a child for whatever the reasons were, and again, as much as this is triggering, I don't want this to be about like thinking thinking too deeply about yourself right now.
I want to speak about it as a as a klal. He's saying quite often when you parents that are having this issue with verbal expression, with meaningful expression, with with emotional development between them and their children, sometimes it's it's that you yourself never had the never had the outlet, you weren't shown, or whatever the reason is, you didn't have that.
במקרים אחרים הבעיה נובעת מחוויות שונות שעברו עליהם בחיים. You've been through a lot.
Maybe you did have that outlet as a child, but in the distance between you as a child or you as a teenager or you as someone that began looking for their shidduch and until you became a parent, it could be two years, it could be five years, it could be twenty years, but what you went through as a person in those years before you became a parent, you subconsciously, not consciously, subconsciously in order to defend yourself, shut things off. It was just the way you needed to survive. That's what you thought. It's just what you thought.
It's again ein po ashmah. This is very important. I don't want to start to go to develop that through this. Maybe you, while you were the difference between you being a child and when you became a parent, you began to become a person that you didn't even realize, you didn't even realize it, but you started to put up some kind of mechitza.
For whatever reason it was.
ואף יתכן שבבאופן טבעי ההורים הללו חסומים רגשית. It could be that you as a parent are simply emotionally blocked.
וכפי שישנם אנשים מפותחים שכלית ויש פחות, like just like we have people who are intellectually more developed and some that are less developed, same thing too when it comes to af betchum haregshi.
So too emotionally.
קיימות דרגות שונות אצל בני אדם. People are different. Some people are able to go through life and stay open and stay vulnerable.
And some people it's just not, it wasn't in their cards. And then they show up as a parent. Then they bring human life into the world. And now what? Now what? How's everyone so far? That's not good.
Yeah, okay, beseder. Is there, are there any questions so far? Or chairs wanting to be thrown? So far so good, yeah? Beseder. Yeah. Is there a continuum? Like if someone's either emotionally closed or emotionally open and how is that mispateach? What do you mean? Explain please.
Like that you said someone could like present like really like open but they're not. Like how... So that's why I don't want to go too much into this because this is a whole character development like psychological development that I don't know. I'm not a psychologist.
Many people think I am, but I'm not. I'm not. He was just talking about... Yeah, but he's not deciphering, he's not breaking it down and breaking it back up, he's just pointing out to what maybe the root of the problem.
I mean there are listen, he has this sefer Da'at Yeladecha, right? He has, oh thank you so much, he also has sefarim called Da'at Et Nafshecha and Da'at Et Atzmecha. So he's there are plenty of sefarim that deal with this.
כאשר הורה אינו משקיע בילדיו בחלק הרגשי מכיוון שהוא חסום רגשית, כמובן שתחילה יש לטפל בבעיה אצל ההורה עצמו ועליו לבדוק כיצד לפתח את עולם הרגשות של עצמו שהרי הבעיה אינה באה לידי ביטוי רק ביחס שלו כלפי ילדיו אלא הקשר הרגשי שלו פגום אף ביחסיו עם בן או בת הזוג. I'm gonna explain everything afterwards.
ובמבט רחב יותר קשה לו לתקשר עם החברה כולה מכיוון שהידידות שלו עם הזולת הינה בבואה לחלוטין.
ויתרה מכך אף הקשר שלו עם בורא עולם אינו נעשה כדבעי. Oh, so now he linked it back to where I think, even though it's in brackets, it's very interesting. I think this is really the root of everything at the end of this paragraph.
He's saying you're sitting there with your child and you're wondering how come they're not emotionally developing or how come at least in front of me there's no expression, there's no sharing, there doesn't seem like there's emotions, there's feelings popping up and being expressed. So he says a person must take a deeper look. Now this is not always the case. Sometimes you could have all of this on, you could be in a very healthy place and even if you had issues as a child you could have gone through a lot of good deep work and you're at a place in life now that you are functioning and your your ability to express hakol ze koreh and it really is the child that went through a certain trauma.
Yachol lihyot. Obviously lo aleinu, בעזרת השם לא עלינו. However, he's saying after you do that gut check, after you deep down check inside, oh wait a second, kid is more or less okay, what's going on over here? And then you ask yourself where am I, eifo ani? What happened to me? How did I get blocked? What he's saying is take a look at your other relationships that you have in life. Obviously you'll start with spouse and nebach for those that aren't raising children together, it could be in any other relationship that's the closest to you.
But essentially, and this is why I love this sefer so much and all of his torahs. The shaila is are you under an impression that you have closeness to God because you're frum? That's the biggest illusion in the world. And I'm just I see this every day of my life. I experience...
This struggle, not talking about myself, I'm talking about, I mean also with myself, I'm sure there's inyanim that come up, but when I speak to people out there, there is an assumption that I am close, intimate, and emotionally exposed and expressive to God, close, because I'm religious. And Be'ezrat Hashem, we're going to remove that illusion from our lives and from this whole dor.
אמן כן יהי רצון. It's geulah to remove that misconceived notion and to show that there's no stirah between that and continuing to keep Torah and mitzvos and halacha and all those things.
It's bechlal not what we're saying. When you hear it in a deeper way, you realize ha be-ha talya, they're dependent on each other. But it's very clear that many people are under the assumption that they're close because they're frum. How do we translate that into spouse? We're close because we're married.
How do we translate that to parents and children? We're close because I'm the parent and you're the child. Really? No. Zeh lo nachon. Zeh meaning you have a kesher.
Close? Emotionally developed? No. Mamash lo be-hechrech is what he's saying over here. Especially at the end, like, I mean again that last line in brackets, ויתרה מכך אף הקשר שלו עם הבורא עולם אינו נעשה כדבעי. What you really have to be open to seeing here is that your relationship with Hashem also has this same smell.
It has the same fragrance when you're experiencing a chasimah with other people and with your children. Yeah. Can I just give a plug for the book "Attached" by Rabbi Yaakov Danishefsky please? Because this is exactly what it is, like identifying your own psychological stuff, attachment theory. I'm very late to that party, but I love that I'm in it and it really helps you to understand how you work and then how your relationship to Hashem works so then you can understand how to heal it and how to make it what you really want it to be.
And I think that I think it's so good you brought that up, I'm going to double plug, double plug that's "Attached" by Rabbi Yaakov Danishefsky. It's a very important sefer. He's a rav, therapist from Chicago. He'll actually be in the shul in two weeks.
Two or three, no, selicha, selicha, in about a month, in about a month. He has a Haggadah coming out and we're going to be doing an evening with him here. He's a dear friend, a very special neshama. And that sefer "Attached" that they're now working on translating into Hebrew also because there's really, there's some tremendous yesodot.
If you don't have the sefer yet or don't have a way to get it, I would highly recommend going on YouTube and he did a series of like a podcast, but a series of interviews and talks with some very interesting people about this concept, about the concepts of the book. I had the zechus of being the first one that he did a conversation with, and Rav Weinberger is on this as well. This is very special. So this is where the root of it all is, yes.
The other thing is, not just being religious, but even doing hitbodedut, that doesn't mean that we're on target. Even coming to Shirat David on Friday night. 100%, 100%. Remember what we learned, I can't encourage you enough to jump into the world of Rebbe Nachman.
And we jumped back into it a few weeks ago, that statement that Rav Yitzchak Breiter said that he realized once he started tasting dveikut and closeness through the world of Rebbe Nachman and his students, he realized he was living all his life serving God avodah zarah be-taharah. I can't stop thinking about that statement. avodah zarah be-taharah. avodah zarah is not bowing down to idols.
Do any of you have that urge when you see a statue? Have you ever felt this inner calling, 'God, I need to bow down to this idol'? That's not the avodah zarah that we're speaking about. avodah zarah means avodah, you're working, but it's zar, you're far, foreign, strange. But it's be-taharah, but you're not tamei. You're not eating treif.
You're not missing minyan. You're going to shul. You're sending your kids to good chinuch. Your boys are wearing tzitzis, meaning all these things.
You could be a parent, I mean this is going to sound very crazy what I'm going to say. but you could mamash be parenting your whole life avodah zarah betaharah. Betaharah? You're not doing pasul things. But it's but it's but it's zar.
It's still foreign, it's still not close. But baruch Hashem many of us are you know within this struggle, we're doing great chevre. We're just pointing out things that we want to work on. We're doing we're doing very very very well I think.
Not just being optimistic, I really believe this. Like I wouldn't say about anyone that I know here that it's avodah zarah betaharah with their children. About the Ribbono shel Olam I don't know, that's a that who am I to say anything? But just when I hear concepts of the importance of what we what we put in the like as things that are pillars of importance right now in our Yiddishkeit I'm just wondering like lo yachol l'hiyot lo yachol l'hiyot. Something's got to give.
Okay, so now the bottom line in this in this segment over here: מכיוון שבעיה זו אינה שייכת נקודתית לתחום של חינוך הילדים. This is really answering you. Since the issue we're bringing up right now is not we're not going to be able to specifically say this has to do clearly with how we're building up the world of educating children—לא נעסוק במסגרת זו בפתרון בעיה מסוג זה. We're not here to solve your imposter syndrome.
That's not what his other sfarim do. His other sfarim do, not in this misgeret. But first we have to come to a very important understanding, that it is so important to build the world of our children's emotions.
חשיבות בניין עולם הרגשות של הילד.
I think that it's fair to say that there's a place inside of us that kind of assumes that if I take care of my seichel and I work on dibbur, then my children will like just like me in not me, but I'm saying the individual could say, I had to figure out things on my own. And my child will have the misgeret and then they'll figure things out on their own. But why doesn't that fall under the obligations of chinuch as well? Right? I mean it's a very to me it's a very dangerous statement to say, I'll give them the the misgeret, the frame, a holy frame, a healthy frame, but then that emotional development, those are things ein mah la'asos, a person's going to have to figure that out on their own. So we don't buy into that.
I mean eventually it's true once they're out of the house or that that is true, but while they're in their home, we have they have a whole world to learn from us and we have a whole learn to whole world to learn from them. And then what happens afterwards? Have extra kavana with your with your with your brachos of to your children, you know, when on Friday night or whenever you give them brachos because yes, there'll come a time they'll have to figure things out on their own. It's true. It's not when they're living at home.
Bezras Hashem they're not trying to figure things out on their own when they're at home. There is a time for that.
נעסוק אם כן בהורים אשר באופן כללי אין להם בעיה רגשית לכל הפחות לא בצורה קיצונית. So let's just say let's let's speak about the average household in a good way, people that are not really like we said before doing as people pretty good, and no chitzon, no extreme issues that they're dealing with.
והקשר הרגשי שלהם כלפי בן הזוג אינו לוקה בחסר גדול. And guess what? With your spouse, things could always be better, but things are actually good. They're okay. You're not just getting by.
Baruch Hashem.
וכעת הם רוצים להשקיע בבנייה נכונה של קשר רגשי עם ילדיהם ובבניית עולם הרגשות של ילדיהם. And now they want to invest in the proper way of building an emotional connection with their children and with building their children's world of feelings and emotions.
כיצד עליהם לעשות זאת.
How? So yofee, he set it up. But it was very important for him to say what he said until now for obvious reasons. But for now we're speaking about, I would like to believe, us, bezras Hashem, us.
המטרה הראשונית של כל הורה בתחום זה צריכה להיות.
What's the first matara? What's the first purpose? Huh? Goal. Goal.
לפתח אצל הילד את התחום הרגשי בצורה הנכונה. So in order to develop by our children the whole emotional department in the right way.
כלומר תחילה עלינו לגרום לכך שהרגש שלו לא יהיה חסום אלא פתוח. This is very very tricky. What are you what what did he just say basically? Like it's easy, I could translate it for you, but I want to know what you feel this means. On a translation level, what did he just say basically? We must make sure that we should cause that our child, our child's emotional state of being shouldn't be blocked, it should be open.
So what is he saying? What does that mean? What do you say? An environment that's comfortable for your children so that they could develop and safe, safe. An environment where it feels safe. What do you mean? Of course our home is safe. How could they not feel safe? I hear this all the time: how can my child not feel safe in the environment we created for them? I don't know.
If they don't feel safe, maybe, not necessarily, maybe there's some kind of an unspoken rule in the house. We don't say it because it would be too shallow, it would sound too ridiculous to say it, but basically there's this like unspoken rule where you say: certain things can't happen here, or certain emotion, certain outburst, certain lo yodea mah פה זה לא קורה. But you wouldn't say it. Sometimes you even do say it, but I'm saying you, it's not spoken of, but the vibe in the home is: we're good and let's keep it like that.
Let's keep it like that. Let's make sure we don't mess with that. Okay, the Leibowitzes are coming for dinner guys, you know, yeah. But there's also on a national level.
No, no, no, no, stay. Which is no, Hashem caused it, not us. But, but stay, stay, stay in the home, stay in a healthy place that can be worked on. If we start, you know when you say that word national, you know what that triggers to me.
I can't go there right now, I can't, I can't, I can't. No, I know, I think I know where you're going with it, and I'm bekhavanah not going. It's you're feeding me. I can't.
You've got to mamash mamash mamash. See, if you start saying I don't know if it's a tangent, it becomes a tangent. It's a tangent. Okay, beseder.
You've got to, we've got to keep it, keep it, keep it in here. Okay, by the way, what I just said right now, do you do you understand? Past generations they used to tell boys they couldn't cry, couldn't show your emotions, you can't do. My father couldn't be a lefty even though he was born a lefty. My grandmother tied his hand to the to the chair so he learned how to write with his right hand.
It was a lot of different things, right? And there was nothing wrong with what she did, that was what, that was what then. Yeah, that's what it says, like if your son came home upset or something, it's like chill. Wait, wait a second, what about girls? Yeah, what was their inyan? They couldn't, they were allowed to? Anything. Temper tantrums, it's just kids showing emotion.
How much do parents enjoy letting their kids have temper tantrums and really letting them show that emotion? No one, no one. Yeah. What were you saying, Sarah? In the middle of ha-bama, right, right, את זה יש לעשות באופן. Let so now he'll, he'll develop, he'll develop this from the bottom bottom line במידה הנכונה כמובן שהרי אם הוא פתוח מדי פעמים שזה יוצר בעיות הפוכות.
We're trying to speak about creating the open space not for a kid to say anything they want, which is also we're like going, we're trying to like create a healthy structure here. So there is a world of psychology that says just: what are you feeling? Oh, you don't know what I want to... no, no, no, tell your parents everything you feel, tell, tell your teachers everything you feel. Everything? Yeah, yeah.
But it's a lot of four-letter words, listen, you need to develop, you need to, you need to be fully open, your khasum, so just let it out. That's also not what we're talking about, and and I very much identify with this, meaning there's also this world that we've, we've, we've come to see now that ha-kol parutz. You know what that means? ha-kol parutz. There's like, I remember as a child watching TV, there was never, ever a metziut that you could see an actual murder.
Like there was such a censorship with... I remember that also. And even with with violence, it was very much, there was like clear kelalim. Today, also because obviously there's no shlitah over any exposure anymore, how many deaths have you have you actually seen happen in life? A lot, a lot.
We see a lot of these things without TV, without just having access to any type of visual. So a lot of things like we say just ha-kol parutz. Everything is just, what's the right word for parutz? Free for all. Yeah, but no, parutz means like lifrotz la-bayit means to break into a I know there's probably a lot more that you want to get out and let's figure out the best way that when you get it out you'll feel better afterwards and you won't feel even worse and that you won't feel guilty and you won't feel bad and that you won't feel like you need to apologize to a bunch of people either.
You see? It's a very interesting balance between the two. It's also part of creating this safety, knowing that everything can't be said all at once. 100%. Safety doesn't mean you're safe here to do whatever you want.
No, you're safe here to grow and to ask me anything and together we'll discover, but but here is safe. That's what we're speaking about. So he says like this: ולאחר מכן כשלב שני, we're on the next page, the top of Lamed-Bet, afterwards as a second shlav, כאשר התחום הרגשי יהיה מפותח אצל הילד דיו ויוכל גם לבטא את רגשותיו אלינו כהורים, meaning he's saying we're not even speaking about expression here to parents. We're first speaking as a shlav rishon is, are you, am I looking at my child and am I seeing a closed individual? Am I seeing a person that's chasum, that's blocked? First I have to work on that, on understanding how to approach seeing children that are shut, they're closed.
ze koreh. It happens. You never want to believe that it chas v'shalom could be one of your children because you start to think oh my god, what does that say about me and everything? We're to hopefully not not it's not about us, it's about our children right now. And after afterwards the safety, the safe haven is basically created where you can also teach your children how to express themselves to their parents in a healthy way.
התבוננות פשוטה במציאות הקיימת, when we have a simple introspection into the reality that exists, tovileinu l'maskanah, it'll lead us to the maskanah שאצל רוב הבנים בתלמוד תורה או הבנות בבית הספר התחום הרגשי אינו נושא כלל. He's calling out his mosdos, that that meaning you understand where he is, right? He's, I told you where he lives? Did I tell you he lives in Kiryat Sefer? He's in Modi'in Illit, right? So that world is what the world that he's speaking about, but he's speaking to us as well, because I actually don't know if this is not true in our schools, I don't know. But he does say here that by most children and girls in their schools התחום הרגשי אינו נושא כלל, meaning you're learning and you're learning and you're getting educated in schools for hours and hours, but do they speak do they teach or do they discuss in school about emotional development? So I do know that they do, I mean, recent years there's been more of an emphasis by about speaking about, you know, prevention of chalilah, you know, batchum ha physicality like definitely like my girls, a few of them have come home singing הגוף שלי הוא רק שלי like those things which is very, very good that this is now spoken about in schools, but you understand what he means that tchum rigshi is not something that is like in the curriculum. That's not something why because you're not going to get a bagrut on it.
So you're not going to be tested on it. I'm actually very happy that this tchum harigshi is not in the curriculum, because if that was also taught by teachers it would be the worst thing. It's enough that teachers teach about God. You understand what I'm saying when I say that, right? Like that's already dangerous enough, but to put that into the into the curriculum is also very scary.
But it's not spoken about there. Tchum rigshi is not something that a child when they go to get an education is told this is something that you need to be discussing and learning. Maybe it's good maybe it's bad, I don't know, but it's not there.
בדרך כלל אצל הבנים תחום זה חסום כמעט לחלוטין.
Generally speaking by boys, this area is completely chasum, ואף אצל הבנות הדבר אינו בא לידי ביטוי בצורה הנכונה אלא P'giyut usually means vulnerability, but here he's speaking about usually you develop this type of talk only, bless you, only after there's been, after the fact there's been some kind of a— Mindy, you know how you messed me up? Mindy, you know how you messed me up big time? Because now of course my brain, I'm thinking like, we only begin to react after Yidden were sh'chted. It's the same, the same moach galuti. So anyway, so he's saying— stop. I'm back.
Discipline. Nobody listened to me all the years. So he said over here amazing thing. Boy, and it's true as someone that grew up in the system both here and in America, in both, in both, you know, at different ages, I was back and forth at very a lot of different ages in both countries.
By boys, none of them, none of this stuff was spoken about at all. By girls, there is more of a tendency to speak about it, but he says it's usually spoken about reactive, yeah. vezeh lo tov. vezeh lo tov.
Anything that's reactive is not natural. Anything reactive is not really in its pure form showing up. zeh baaya.
וככל שהגיל מתבגר ניתן להבחין בהיעדרותו של תחום זה בצורה בולטת יותר.
And the older you get, the more you realize this chunk of, I'm going to say what it is, this chunk of Torah is missing. This chunk of Torah. Emotional development of a child is Talmud Torah. It's learning, I think.
You don't agree? Hundred percent. Yeah, this is Torah. This piece of Torah is missing. And the older you get, the more you realize, oh my God, this is a Torah that I need, mamash I need it.
Okay, so now let's slowly, slowly continue to flow with him because he's opening up a lot for us.
כאשר אנו רוצים לבחון האם התחום הרגשי מפותח דיו אצל הילד. So when we want to test and see, is the emotional department developed enough by a child?
צורת המבחן תעשה על פי קנה מידה ברור. There's a clear way based upon which we're going to check out to see if the development is taking place.
אם הילד יודע לקבל הרגשה הוא אף יודע להעניק אותה לזולת. Can a child, does a child know how to receive hargasha, feelings? It's interesting he didn't say love, he just said hargasha. And does he know or she know how to also give that, pass it on, how to also express that to other people? What was the litmus— what's his litmus test, in other words? How are we testing to see a child's emotional feeling development? Based on what? What did he just say right now? When he says the words, אם הילד יודע לקבל הרגשה הוא אף יודע להעניק אותה לזולת. What does that mean? What do you think that means? It's if and if, right.
It's if your child can receive, then he will be able— he will be able to give. But receive what and give what is my question? Because he says here a very broad word. He says, אם הילד יודע לקבל הרגשה. So what does that mean, lekabel hargasha? To receive a feeling? What does that mean? What do you think? Yeah.
I mean, I'm understanding it as like, making space for their own feelings. Sorry, making space for their own feelings, like the opposite of the blockage. Like if they're angry, like they— they can handle it. It's not like, oh, we're not angry here, we don't cry here, like the blockage that we were talking about before.
And therefore, if they're able to receive hargasha, then what would they be able to do? Express it. Pass it on. Well, we don't want to pass on anger, so it's not necessarily— right, someone else's. Make space for someone else's emotions.
Interesting, very good. 'Cause I'll be honest, I'm— he's going to explain to us a little bit clearer, but when I went through this, I was really uncertain if that's what he means, or he— or basic— because that, what you're— The other option I was thinking was that if a child knows how to receive a compliment. But that can't be it because he's just saying hargasha. And the other thing I thought about, if a child knows how to receive love, he'll give love.
It's not necessarily just love. It's hargasha begadol. Right? It's not just love. There are children that know how to receive love, they cannot receive an ounce of hinuch.
I mean, in the makor there's no difference between the two but for them, the experience is very different. Right? Be'ezrat hashem we're very clear that every ounce of our hinuch is love. A child can receive love like "I love you" v'ze. You have to now not color on your baby sister.
Or something like that, or whatever, right? "But you said you love me." "Of course I love you, but you can't color on your baby sister's forehead." Ma havdel beineihem? Anything. Yeah. Going with what Alisa said also, it's not just receiving but recognizing the different feelings. Some adults can't and some kids can't differentiate between...
right. So lekabel hargasha means to open, recognize your different feelings. Yeah, to communicate those feelings to others, or to parents or to others. Yafe.
We were talking about tantrum things. A lot of these tantrums, a lot of times it's because they're either- think of the age, they could be frustrated and they don't know how to communicate it. Right. Nachon.
Well that happens all the time. Let's see how he takes this.
ומעתה נבדוק האם תכונה זו אכן קיימת אצל הילדים באופן טבעי. Now let's check: is the ability to lekabel hargasha and then to give that to others, is that something that children have naturally?
התשובה הברורה לכך היא תכונה זו קיימת אצל אחוז קטן בלבד.
It's a very small percentage. There are - it exists, but it's a very small percentage of children that are just not okay with being angry, but can identify that or other emotions ואז הלאה ואז אפשר להמשיך.
אחוז קטן בלבד.
ואף כאשר היא קיימת ברוב הפעמים אין זה תוצאה של השקעה בכך מצד הוריהם.
Sorry to disappoint you parents, it's not- I mean you see your child's functioning with their emotions in a very natural healthy state and they're able to receive and give v'chol ze, and no work was put in. He's saying אלא כשם שיש ילדים מוכשרים שמבינים דברים רבים אף אם לא מסבירים להם אותם כך יש ילדים באופן טבעי התחום הרגשי שלהם מפותח יותר מאחרים. He's saying it's just ein ma la'asot. There are kids that they pick up a guitar and it just works.
Then there are kids that they have to go to class after class after class after class and even then it doesn't work. What's the difference between the two? One was given certain kishronot and one wasn't. Does it say anything bad? Chas v'shalom. It's just a matter of- Hashem gave certain talents v'chol ze.
Same exact thing when it comes to olam ha'regashot. There are children naturally you cannot explain this, but they're able to deal with their emotions, to receive them, to be okay with them and then also know how to, let's say, in the concept of love, can give them to others and some can't. Now those that are able to, the mechaber is being very clear: don't stand there parents and say, well, obviously they saw how we were. No, no, no.
That's not what we're talking about. It's a God given talent. Lo asitem masheu. You didn't do anything.
I mean, if it makes you feel better and you need a pick-me-up or then seder, but that's not really what it is. Hashem gave certain children the ability to function easier with their emotions and other children, it's harder. Lama? Come on. Kacha.
Kacha. But you know, I told you many times, the answer kacha is the deepest answer in the world. Kacha in kabbalah- remember what the rashei teivot of kacha is? Kacha is a word in kabbalah. But everyone has questions of why, why, why, Hashem lama? So Israelis are so deep.
A lot of Israelisms are very deep like ma shlomcha hakol beseder, right? That's actually the most deepest answer you could give. because when you learn the Pnimiyus of Pesach, you understand that every single thing you need to learn about life is all in the Seder, in the actual Seder table and the structure. So we say Hakol beseder, Hakol beseder, not realizing what we're saying, right? Lama? And when this, you definitely want to strike someone when you make Aliyah and even thirty years later and you ask them, Aval lama? and they say Kacha. Kacha is rashei teivos of Keter Kol Haketarim, which means the crown of all crowns.
That all the questions we have about Hashem like why is this kid emotionally developed the way they are and this kid isn't? You think someone's going to be able to give you an explanation? The answer is Kacha, Keter Kol Haketarim, because in the crown of all crowns, because in the way Hashem chose to develop the world and send down certain Neshamos, this is what it is. Do you know how important it is for a parent to live a life of Kacha? Because ein ma la'asot, not only do we fall under the comparison between, but the, I don't know why I keep on saying Leibowitz, but Leibowitz's children, they, according to my limited perspective and assumptions, their children aren't so, but then we start doing it between our own children and that is even meshuga than anything.
זה לא הסיפור חברה. Hashem created certain kids the way they are, zehu.
That's a very basic yesod of emunah that must be part of the way that we approach this whole this whole journey. Unless you're one of the, I've never heard of this, but you have more than one child at home, maybe even more than two or three, and they all react and respond the same way with their emotions. You know how boring it would you think it'd be easier, right? It'd be it would be such a boring home. Things may flow smoother, it would be very boring if they all were robotic.
Yeah, yeah, it'd be very bizarre. That's why I don't think a home like that exists, B'ezrat Hashem. Like, I don't think that that would be just very boring. The end of this paragraph, כמובן לא בצורה קיצונית המצריכה טיפול מיוחד אך בכל מקרה קיימת שהם נולדו עמה ועבודתנו כהורים היא לפתח להם את הרגש.
Our job as parents to those that aren't naturally able to develop their emotions and their feelings, our job in chinuch is not just to make sure the sandwiches are made in the morning. Our job in chinuch is not only to make sure to explain to our children what muktzah is. Our job as fathers to sons is not just about minyan and as mothers it's not just about tznius and lighting Shabbos candles. Our job as parents is to develop the field of emotional development in our children.
Now I know what the knee-jerk reaction to that would be is that but isn't that what psychologists are for? Sorry to I'm like I'm not sorry but I know when I say things like that, it's not chalila taking away from the work of psychology of psychologists lehefech. They'll be busy ad meah v'esrim. It's to not remove the obligation on a parent with their child. It's the same thing with Yiddishkeit by the way.
No, no, they'll get that in school. Ma pitom? Bemet? Hashem gave you these neshamos to know what school to send them to and by that the whole Yiddishkeit thing is taken care of? Chas v'shalom. God forbid. It's the same thing with the tchum haregesh.
No, no, they'll if they need it we know we have numbers of good child psychologists. That's not a that's the that's the if really need. That's not the keilu on the get-go, on the keilu al hahatchala, it's wait a second, Hashem gave these neshamos to me and to take care of, that means Hashem believes that I could learn how to be in touch with the development of my child's emotional and feeling stability. That's emunah.
Now for many people that are listening to this now and afterwards, there's a very big Hashem a very big chevra that davka with this shiur are getting a lot of a lot of questions, a lot of shailos. People that would wish they were here and speak up, I just want to make something very clear. I don't think there's a person here that's about to become a parent for the first time and now they're trying to set up shop. We're all in the parsha.
Kimat all of us, we're already in the parsha. As much as we have a desire and a will to crack this code on our own of developing our child's emotional state of being, for many of us our children have been in our lives for many years and there's still a lacking of something. And now I'm going to say kimat the opposite of what I said before, ein chasdei Hashem that we have a world of social workers and psychologists that is there to help us navigate the system. But on an emuna level, don't be chas v'shalom under the assumption that because those people exist in our lives, that lechatchila there shouldn't be any desire or ability mitzade the parent to invest in learning how to develop these things for our children.
And there's no stira between the two, there's no contradiction between the two. So that's very important for me to want to say. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the psychologist come in in the keta of yetzer paguea, like when there's a problem and that's when usually people are pune? It's not like sending your kid to school to get educated. It's like, oh my gosh, my kid was hurt, I can't fix it, let's go see the shrink.
Or not just my kid was hurt, or I'm not sure what's going on over here with my child and I have been working and putting a lot of effort on my own. Yeah, yeah, I think we're saying the same thing. Okay. Im zos, this is very important, im zos, this last paragraph.
אם זאת נדגיש שאיננו עוסקים כאן בעקירת רגשות שליליים בלבד. We're not only attempting to uproot negative feelings when we're speaking about healthy emotional development of a child, כגון ילד שמתבייש ללכת למכולת. I have one of those, not anymore, but I had one of them. It was like torture.
I'd wait in the car and I'd say, listen, go inside, we have the number, go inside to the makolet and you know, I can't do it, I can't, it was like... So he's saying over here, כל הורה מבין כי עליו להגביר אצלו את הביטחון העצמי. Of course, you have to turn up the volume on self-confidence and you can do this, you can go and take a milk off the shelf and pay for it.
אלא אנו עוסקים בבנין עולם הרגשות של הילד שבא לידי ביטוי באופן חיובי כגון בתחום השמחה בתחום האהבה וכדומה.
We're also going to be speaking about building up our child's understanding of love and of simcha, not just the things that are negative, but also the things that are positive. Understand what he just said here? This is very crucial. When we speak about binyan olam haregashot, where do we usually go to right away? Shlili. Yeah, like examples like what? Anger, frustration.
All those things. Because those are the things that need tipul. What about the other stuff? There is a small percentage of children who don't want to be complimented in public and things like that and how do you deal with... Okay, so that's like bitachon atzmi, but I'm saying even more because he's saying over here tchum hasimcha, bitchum ha'ahava.
Also when it comes to the world of simcha and the world of love, also over there there's a whole world of binyan olam haregashot. It's not like, oh they'll be happy and then that's fine. Yeah. I think that that's also before I think that you said like if you when you give love to your kids, but then what happens when you give over chinuch? But really I think that we have to change our mindset.
The love and the acceptance and the ahava is chinuch also. And I think it's important to be thinking in that me'ah achuz. That's the chinuch. There's a part of chinuch that's also negative.
But it's the bigger picture. Wait, when you say negative, meaning dealing with negative traits here? Negative emotions, boundaries, all that that is part of chinuch, but I don't I think that it's important that we don't think, okay, so our kids are okay when we're giving over love and acceptance, but then when we're giving over chinuch to our children how do they react? That turns chinuch into a negative, nachon. And chinuch is mostly positive, acceptance, love, and then there's also an aspect of boundaries. I think that's what he's saying.
I mean, he's not saying what you the key word you just said over here is mostly. Because there's an... No, no, I agree, agree 100%. I and I it'd be interesting to see if that's how this is developed too.
But that's very important, the tchum of ahava and tchum of simcha is chinuch. Right? That that's chinuch as well. That's the most important part of chinuch. Because then they'll be able to accept the tough part because they know that they've either crossed a boundary or that it's something...
It's coming from a whole it's coming from a safe because it's safe. Because it's safe. It's all coming from this... Same makor.
Safe. Okay, we're going to stop now and b'ezrat Hashem we'll pick this up next Sunday. Should be a good week and chodesh tov.