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This podcast is a production of Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas, USA. Watermark exists to be and make more fully devoted followers of Christ, looking to God's Word as our only authority, conscience and guide.
Good morning, Watermark. How are we doing today? It's good to see you. I hope all is well. This is a weighty Sunday. If you were here last Sunday, then you heard that this week we're talking about divorce and remarriage. Even just saying that, I feel anxious, but this is so good. So, just knowing that that's where we're going, let's pause and pray and ask God to have his way this morning.
So, if you will, take a moment and pray for yourself. Just say, "God, would you speak clearly to me today?" Then, would you pray for the people around you and just say, "God, would you speak to them as well?" Then, would you pray for me and just ask God to speak through me to you?
Lord, I pray that you would have your way this morning. I pray for your Spirit to illuminate our hearts and minds to the truth. Lord, I thank you that you've given us your Word. I thank you, God, that in your kindness you've given us the gift of marriage, yet there's a lot of pain and heartache that can come around this topic with divorce and remarriage, so I pray that you would move in our lives. We need you. We love you. We give this morning to you. In Jesus' name, amen.
We're talking about divorce and remarriage today, because here's what you have to understand: Every team of elders has had their moment where they've had to clarify for themselves what they believe biblical faithfulness looks like on the topics of divorce and remarriage. The reason I say that is because the greatest and most complex moments of care that elders have to face usually come around the topics of divorce and remarriage.
So, for over a year, the current team of elders has been praying, wrestling, researching, reading extensively, conversing, and seeking counsel in order to come to a place where we just want to clarify for you… And many people are newer here at Watermark. We just want to clarify for you what we believe biblical faithfulness looks like for us on the topics of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. We've actually updated our MDR statement on our website. You can go to it and check that out later on today if you would like to.
Before we get going, let me make sure I say this. If you didn't hear the message from last Sunday, you need to go and listen to it, because this is really a part 2 to last week. If you don't hear the message from last week, then your understanding of _our_ understanding on the topic of marriage, divorce, and remarriage will be incomplete. This is part 2. Last week, we established that God has a very high view of marriage, and _we_ have a very high view of marriage; that biblical love in marriage is exclusive, unconditional, unquenchable, and irreversible.
The next thing I'll say before we jump in is that I know a lot of pain and heartache can exist around the topics of divorce and remarriage, and in 45 minutes, there is no way for me to speak to every individual's situation that is in this room. That's why it's going to be so important for you to go and process this message in your Community Group with people who are hopefully more familiar with your story. If you need to process it with your community director, hopefully that would be helpful to you as well.
Okay. If you are married, I want you to think back to the moment when you were standing on the altar at your wedding. There's that moment at the end where the officiant told you to turn and face your family and friends and pronounced you "Mr. and Mrs. \[So-and-so\]." Now, here's what I want you to think about.
Right before that moment, before they turned you to face your family and friends… What was the last thing the officiant said to that bride and groom before sending them out? It was most likely the words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." That is the most common thing to do in Christian marriages.
But many people don't hear those words in the ceremony for two reasons. The couple usually doesn't hear those words because they're so in the moment that they don't care what the officiant is saying. The audience usually misses it because either they're cheering or they're laughing, because at some point during the kiss, some guy in the crowd said, "Get it, Mike!" and it was just awkward.
So, while they're laughing or cheering, the officiant says, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate," and no one heard it. But those words are strategically placed at the end of a wedding ceremony because it's supposed to be the final charge to the couple. As the couple leaves and their marriage begins, that's supposed to be the banner over their marriage. Think about what is being communicated.
"What therefore God has joined together" is a reminder that "Hey, this thing wasn't _your_ doing; God did something. God brought you together. The point of life is to know Jesus and make Jesus known. God has decided to bring you together to know Jesus together, to make Jesus known together. You are now on mission together. So don't make two what God has made one. Spend the rest of your life together as one, knowing Jesus and making Jesus known."
Yet, for so many people, the marriage follows the wedding, and that couple's dreams for their marriage and their reality _in_ marriage end up going in two totally different directions, and marriage is harder than they ever thought it would be. There can be real pain, real heartache, real deep hurt in marriage, and two people God brought together begin to question if it would be better to make that which was one two again.
So, what I want to do this morning is give you a biblical glance at the topics of divorce and remarriage, because those words that are the last charge over the couple, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate," are actually Jesus' words in probably the greatest passage in the Bible on the topic of divorce. It's found in Matthew 19.
So, if you have a Bible, I want to invite you to turn with me to Matthew 19. We're going to get Jesus' vision for marriage, divorce, and remarriage. We're not just going to stay here in Matthew 19. I'm going to do my best to hit on some major passages in the Bible on this topic.
The heart of the Bible around marriage, divorce, and remarriage is really encapsulated in two thoughts. The first thought is "Stay married." That's the heart: "Stay married." The second heartbeat of Scripture on marriage, divorce, and remarriage is "Pursue what is most glorifying, not what is most relieving."
So, I have a lot of work to do today, a lot of ground to cover, so buckle up. Here we go. Matthew 19, starting in verse 3: **"And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?'"** Here's what you need to know. The Pharisees are seeking to trap Jesus on the issue of divorce.
The Pharisees were actually split into two groups in terms of their understanding and convictions around the topic of divorce. You had two camps. You had the school of Hillel and the school of Shammai. Shammai was a lot more conservative. Both groups of Pharisees believed divorce was possible on certain grounds; they just disagreed on what grounds divorce was allowed.
Shammai was more conservative, and they believed divorce was allowed, but only when there was some serious act of unfaithfulness. Hillel's school believed divorce was basically allowable for any reason. So, if a husband didn't like the meal his wife had prepared, he could divorce her. Just think. Which school would _you_ fall into?
Now watch how Jesus responds. This is so important. **"He answered, 'Have you not read…'"** How insulting. Just watch how he starts. He's talking to people who have memorized the Old Testament. He's like, "Have you not read…?" He knows they've memorized it. He's basically saying, "Your thought process right now comes across like you've never even read it, much less memorized it."
**"He answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh"? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'"**
This is what's so interesting. The Pharisees base their arguments for divorce on Deuteronomy 24. Jesus rewinds straight past Deuteronomy all the way to Genesis to the creation account, and he quotes two different verses but puts them together. He quotes Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:24. Now, I want to make a sidenote, pause on divorce and remarriage, and speak to something specific, because our culture right now is celebrating Pride Month. I pulled out of the neighborhood, and the church on the corner was celebrating Pride Month.
A lot of people believe Jesus never addressed the issue of homosexuality, but what you need to see right here is Jesus actually intentionally pieces two different verses together. One verse speaks to God's creation of two sexes, and he pairs that verse with God's creation of marriage. What that indicates is that, in part, God created the two genders for the purpose of marriage.
In Jesus' eyes, marriage is one man and one woman. That is why we at Watermark will never celebrate Pride Month. At the same time, let me say this. If you are here and are same-sex attracted, I want you to know you belong at Watermark. Every single member here is called to a holy sexuality, full surrender to Jesus Christ, and we can pursue a holy sexuality together.
Okay. Back to divorce and remarriage. Jesus starts _his_ argument on the topics of divorce and remarriage… He anchors his argument in Genesis 1 and 2. Do you know what he's communicating to the Pharisees? He's communicating "Hey, you guys are starting in the wrong place. You have to rewind farther. You are starting in Deuteronomy 24, but the greatest teaching in the Bible on divorce isn't Deuteronomy 24; it's Genesis 1 and 2."
If you know your Bible well, you might be thinking, "Wait. Genesis 1 and 2 don't talk about divorce or remarriage." What I would say to that is, "Exactly! You get it." God's ideal, God's original design, did not include divorce. Jesus is saying God hasn't given up on his ideal. For Jesus to go all the way back to the creation account is for Jesus to say, "That is still what's in play. That's still God's desire: two becoming one."
Genesis 2:24 says a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, or hold fast to his wife. That word in the Hebrew literally means to be glued. You are to be glued together. It says two will become one flesh. So, two becoming one, and that one isn't meant to be two again. That's why Jesus says those famous words from wedding ceremonies in verse 6. **"So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."**
I explained it last week like a broken bone that's in two pieces that then fuses back together into one. That which has become one isn't meant to become two again. If that broken bone that has been fused into one becomes two again, you conclude something has gone wrong. There's pain for a reason, because it's unnatural.
So, Jesus is saying, "Hey, God joined you together, so if God joined you together, for you to be separated is not God's work; that's man's work. That's unnatural. It's actually rebellion against God." That's why we established last week that a marital, biblical love is irreversible, exclusive, unquenchable, and unconditional.
This past week, we were watching the finale to _The Office_ again. If you haven't watched it, I'm going to spoil it for you. It doesn't matter. You've had over a decade to figure that out. In the finale, Dwight and Angela get married. If you remember their wedding ceremony, they actually get married standing in their graves.
They're standing in their graves, pledging their love to one another. And what does the minister say on a show that is decidedly not Christian? The officiant in the show is declaring that the reason they're standing in their graves is because that is the only thing that will separate their marriage. That's God's point. "What God has joined together, let not man separate."
So, do you follow the conversation so far? Here's the conversation. Here's how it's flowing. The Pharisees are coming to Jesus, and they're like, "Hey, we're all in agreement that divorce is allowed, but we disagree on _when_ it's allowed. What do _you_ say, Jesus?" Jesus is like, "Do you know where I stand? Stay married." He's like, "Go back farther. You're stopping at Deuteronomy 24. Rewind all the way to the beginning of the tape. Stay married. That's God's ideal. Pursue God's ideal."
Let me just say this. Maybe that's why God brought you here this morning: so you could be rewound to the beginning, to God's original design. Maybe God's message to you this morning is "Hey, stay married." You might be just like the Pharisees, where you're like, "When _can_ you get divorced? Can I get divorced?" and Jesus is like, "Hey, stay married."
Now watch how they respond. Verse 7: **"They said to him, 'Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?' He said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.'"** Again, they are referencing Deuteronomy 24. If you were to go and read it (I don't have time to read it right now), you would see that Moses never commanded people to divorce, but he did _allow_ for divorce.
Why did Moses allow for divorce? Well, Jesus tells us. He allowed for divorce because of the hardness of heart. Now, what is that referring to when Jesus says Moses allowed divorce for the hardness of heart? That _hardness of heart_ is a reference to the hard-hearted rebellion that defiled the marriage. That then prompted divorce. That's what he's referring to when he's talking about hard-heartedness. It's for the hard-hearted rebellion that defiled the marriage.
I think Jesus is conveying, "Hey, divorce isn't always sinful, but divorce is always the result of sin." Yet, even in that, what does Jesus do? He points them back to the beginning. It's as if Jesus is saying, "Just because you _can_ get divorced, doesn't mean you _should_ get divorced. Staying married is better."
So, let's camp out really quickly on this idea that divorce isn't always sinful, but it is always the result of sin. Here is what I hope you draw from that. The question to start with in your marriage is not "Can I get divorced?" That's the wrong question to start with. The right question to start with is "What sin in our marriage needs to be repented of that would allow us to stay married?" The remedy for a marriage that is not honoring to the Lord is not divorce; it's actually repentance.
Let me say this. When marriage is tough and there's anger and bitterness and yelling and name-calling, it's easy to start believing, "You know what? I think God could be a lot more glorified if we would just separate out. I think we could glorify God better separately." What you have to understand is the issue is there is sin in your marriage. Somewhere in your marriage there's some sin. There is some hard-heartedness that is causing a fracture in your marriage.
Where there is sin in the marriage, there must be repentance, and where there is repentance, the goal should be reconciliation. Anytime there is true, genuine, not just lip service, but words and actions that match with repentance… Anytime there's repentance, there should be an openness to reconciliation, but the place to start is not "Can I get divorced?"; it's "What sin needs to be repented of, confessed, so that reconciliation can happen?"
Last week, I shared about 2019 for Kat and myself. That was a year when our marriage was strained. It was a tough season for our marriage to the point where we sought counsel from friends, and then we ended up in professional counseling for several sessions. I will never forget the night sitting in my living room with Kat where it felt like scales fell from my eyes and I saw my sin in our marriage. It was a sin of believing that I was more important, and the way it fleshed itself out is I had been living in the sin of not seeing my wife.
In that moment, where there was sin, there was confession and repentance, and that actually led to us being able to move back together. We weren't living apart. When I say "move back together," I just mean for us to once again pursue intimacy in marriage. I'm just telling you, where you start is "Where's the sin? What's the sin?"
So, the first thing we see is "Stay married." I think what else Jesus is communicating is "Pursue what is most glorifying, not what's most relieving." God is most glorified by repentance and reconciliation. We said last week that the love Christ has for his church, his bride, us, is most clearly reflected in your marriage when you choose to love your spouse at their most unlovable points.
Remember what Romans 5:8 says. "But God demonstrates his love for us in this: while we were yet sinners…" When we were at the height of being unlovable, when we were sinners, Christ died for us. That's the gospel. Jesus Christ came, he lived, he died, and he conquered the grave while we were yet sinners. Why? Because he wanted us. He wanted to be with us. He made a way to extend forgiveness so there could be healing in our relationship with God.
When I tell you that, when I say Christ might be reflected in your marriage most when you love your spouse at their most unlovable times, that can feel overwhelming for some. It can almost feel like a punishment from God. Let me just tell you it's not a punishment from God. I want you to hear me say I do believe that even in the difficulty there is joy waiting for you as you trust God one day at a time.
There is something about being synced up with God where the God of the universe gives you access to a power that you don't have apart from him, where he enables you to extend love to your spouse when you never thought you could. Pursue what's most glorifying, not what's most relieving.
Now look at verse 9. This is the verse that causes the debates around divorce and remarriage. Jesus goes on and says, **"And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."** This is what people refer to as the _exception clause_ in the Bible on divorce and remarriage. If you were to read various scholars, you would see that there is a good amount of debate around this one verse.
As I unpack this one verse… I just want to call it out before I even start explaining it. An interesting dynamic is about to surface in this room. Here's why. I am about to explain that the elders and I do believe the Bible does provide legitimate grounds for divorce in certain severe cases of sin within the marriage.
Here's the interesting dynamic. Just by me saying that, some of you just got excited, because you thought we just gave you the thumbs-up green light for you to go home and throw in the towel in your marriage. Others of you got really anxious, because you're like, "Oh, now my church is going soft." If you had either of those thoughts, you have been asleep all of last week and the first half of this message.
Look. We stand with Jesus. Stay married. Glorify Christ. Reflect Christ in your marriage. God never commands divorce. At the same time, we can't discount this exception clause. We have to study it. We have to do something with it. Let me unpack it this way. The two greatest issues that surface with the exception clause are these.
First, how do you define the Greek word _porneia_ here, which has been translated as _sexual immorality_? The second issue that comes up with this exception clause is that it's only mentioned in the book of Matthew, and it's not mentioned in Mark or Luke. So, what do you do with that? Those are the two biggest issues around this one verse. So, let me explain it to you.
Some people define _porneia_ here as only referring to premarital sex that surfaces during the betrothal period of a marriage. The reason they would conclude that is because the normal Greek word used for adultery between a husband and a wife is _moicheia_, which is not used here; _porneia_ is used.
What you need to understand is that Jews considered a man and a woman to be married when they were basically in their engagement period, the betrothal period. If it was found out that the woman was not a virgin or had defiled that commitment, then he could, in a sense, divorce her. So, some people would argue this view explains why the exception clause is only mentioned in Matthew and not Mark or Luke, because Matthew is writing to a Jewish audience, so that would clearly explain why he's mentioning it here.
What you need to understand is this is a minority view among scholars. It is. That's not just my opinion. It's a minority view among scholars. The broader consensus among conservative, evangelical scholars is that _porneia_ here… If you were to go and look at how _porneia_ is used in the book of Matthew as well as throughout the New Testament, it encompasses a wide range. It is a general term for sexual sins. It's gross sexual sin that includes adultery, fornication, homosexuality, bestiality, prostitution, and other forms of illicit sexual behavior. The elders and I would define _porneia_ that way.
Now, regarding the question of "Why is the exception clause only mentioned in Matthew but not mentioned in Mark or Luke…?" What you have to remember is what was already assumed and accepted at this time. Everyone was already in agreement that adultery was grounds for divorce. Here's why I say that. Follow me on this.
If you were to go back and look at Leviticus, what was the penalty for adultery? Death. So, the Mosaic law already established that when adultery happens, the marriage ends. It ends because a death takes place. Now, Rome did not allow Jews to execute their people for adultery, so as a consequence, many first-century rabbis required people to divorce if a wife committed adultery against her husband; therefore, the marriage would end. It wouldn't end in death, like in the Old Testament, but it would still end, as they believed God intended.
The reason I'm explaining this is not to advocate for marriages ending if there's adultery. What I'm trying to establish is that the reason Mark and Luke most likely did not include the exception clause in their accounts with their specific audiences is because the exception was already assumed and accepted.
Remember, when the Pharisees come to Jesus, neither group is arguing that divorce is never a possibility. They're both coming assuming, "Hey, divorce is an option. We're just trying to figure out _when_ it's an option." What Jesus does is Jesus still holds a stricter view than both parties on divorce. Why? Because they would command divorce. Jesus says, "It's never commanded. There's an allowance, but it's actually better and more glorifying to stay married."
So, does the Bible provide grounds for divorce where there is gross sexual sin? Yes. And it's important to note on the topic of remarriage that in Greek, Roman, and Jewish cultures in the first century, wherever divorce was legitimate, the right to remarry was also assumed to accompany it, but make no mistake. In God's eyes, to remarry when a divorce has not occurred on biblical grounds is adultery, and there's no way around that.
It's important for you to notice that Jesus never commanded divorce. He's making an allowance, but what's God's ideal? It's lifelong marriage. It's a love that's irreversible, exclusive, unquenchable, and unconditional. Just because you _can_ doesn't mean you _should_. If there's true repentance by the offender, then pursue reconciliation.
Let me just say this. I know several couples in our church, in our body, where infidelity has been a part of their stories, yet do you know what has happened? The offended has chosen to love, and the offender has repented and sought forgiveness and reconciliation. And do you know what's true of many couples in our church now? Those marriages are flourishing. And they're not just flourishing; they are now a light in the dark places of marriages in our church.
I know several couples that are now serving in marriage ministry here at the church, using their story, because now they have a story not to hide, but a story to tell. It is a story of redemption and restoration. God's grace has been sufficient to cover over failures and to heal what is broken. I tell you that just to say if that's the place you're in right now, just because _you_ can't see a path forward doesn't mean _God_ can't. Pursue what is most glorifying, not what is most relieving.
Now, some of you who are kind of wrestling with the fact of where we've landed on this exception clause, something in you might feel a disconnect because of what Malachi 2:16 says. If you're familiar, it says, **"'For I hate divorce,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'and him who covers his garment with violence,' says the Lord of armies."**
For many people, that's where their argument starts. Like, if we were to get together and talk about divorce, you would want to set the table and say, "Well, we know God hates divorce, so we have to start there." No, we don't start there. Here's why we don't start there: because Jesus doesn't start there. He starts in the beginning.
But here's what I want to point out. Malachi 2:16 is one of the hardest verses to translate from the Hebrew in the entire Old Testament. Here's what I mean. Just watch this. Follow me on this. The translation I just read Malachi 2:16 from is the New American Standard, which is a word-for-word translation, and it says, "For I hate divorce." So God is the one doing the hating.
Now I want to read you the same verse from the English Standard Version, which is the version I teach from every single Sunday, which is also a word-for-word translation. Look at how it translates it. **"For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts."**
Do you notice the difference? Here's the difference. In the New American Standard, God is the one who's doing the hating. In the English Standard Version, it's the husband who is doing the hating. He is hating his wife. So, it's possible that Malachi 2:16 isn't talking about God's hate for divorce; it's talking about a husband who has hated his wife and divorced his wife.
Because some of my favorite scholars split on how they translate this verse, here's my point: don't build your entire argument about divorce and remarriage off a verse that is one of the hardest to translate and that some of the smartest people in the world split on. Now, does God hate divorce? Of course! Of course God hates divorce. Why? Because he hates the sin that would lead to a fracture that would then lead to the divorce.
Let me pause and again clarify, because it can seem like I'm defending divorce. No, I'm not. Stay married. Pursue what is most glorifying, not what is most relieving. But I _am_ trying to bring clarity where there might be some confusion on the Scriptures. I will say it again. We stand with Jesus. Stay married.
Now, if you have a Bible, flip over to 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, which is the other major passage in Scripture that deals with the topics of divorce and remarriage. Do you know what we're going to see in 1 Corinthians 7? We're going to see the same heartbeat. It's the same heartbeat. "Stay married. Pursue what is glorifying, not what is most relieving." Just watch it. This just shows the consistency of Scripture. God is going to use the apostle Paul to add on more to these topics.
Paul says, **"To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord)…"** When he says, "Not I, but the Lord," he's saying, "Look. I'm just addressing what Jesus already addressed. I am making references to the teachings of Jesus." Like we just saw in Matthew 19. **"…the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife."**
The first thing I want you to see from there is there is a call to stay married. Wives shouldn't divorce their husbands; husbands shouldn't divorce their wives. Stay married. That's the heartbeat of Scripture. Honor God. Go back to the beginning. Now watch this. This is really important, because some of you might interpret this verse wrong when it gives this caveat. **"…but if she does** \[divorce\]**, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband…"**
My fear is some of you would read that and be like, "Okay. Well, look. I actually have two equally viable options. I can stay married, and I can try to fight for my marriage, but that feels too difficult, so it looks like the Bible is giving me a way to divorce, but if I divorce, I just need to remain single," as if those are two equally good options. If that's the interpretation you land on, you've missed it.
Here's Paul's point. He's saying, "Look. If you find yourself in a place where you have divorced your spouse for illegitimate reasons, then here's what has happened: You have blown right past Jesus' command to not divorce. You just blew right past it. And if you find yourself in that place, and you want to be married again, get back together with your spouse.
Otherwise, don't get married, because you've already rebelled against God by leaving your marriage for illegitimate reasons. So, either stay unmarried or get back together with your spouse, but don't even begin to believe for a second that you are freed up to remarry someone else. Be reconciled to your husband or to your wife."
Then Paul goes on in verse 12 and says, **"To the rest I say (I, not the Lord)…"** Here's what he means by that. He's saying, "Look. There's no specific teaching from Jesus on this specific topic," yet God, by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, is giving truth that we are to take as doctrine.
**"To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him."** This shows you how highly God thinks of marriage. This is amazing. Even to a situation where there's a believer married to an unbeliever, he's like, "Stay married."
Some people in the first century were like, "I can't have sex with my spouse who's an unbeliever, because they will make me unclean, and I don't want to be unclean before God." God is like, "No, this is how amazing marriage is, that you can even be married to an unbeliever." That doesn't mean you should _get_ married to an unbeliever.
So, if you're thinking like, "Oh man. Maybe I can go…" No, that's not what we're talking about. If you find yourself in a situation where you already _are_ married to an unbeliever, God is like, "Stay married. Stay married." God can even still use your marriage to do something in the life of that unbeliever. That's how highly God thinks of marriage.
Then verse 15: **"But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."** This is important. Don't miss it. Right here, God, through Paul, is providing one more allowance for divorce, and it is in the case of abandonment by an unbeliever.
The situation you should picture here is a situation where a believer is faithfully showing Christ to an unbeliever. The believer isn't looking for a way out of the marriage. The believer understands it's most glorifying to God to stay in marriage, yet the unbelieving spouse abandons the believing spouse. In this case, the Scriptures would say that you're free.
Now, this is where I want to make a couple of very important notes on this verse on behalf of the elders. The first note is that we believe this verse could potentially apply in cases when a professing Christian persists in behavior that flagrantly violates their covenantal responsibilities, such as sustained patterns of gross unrepentant sin, hardness of heart, or a refusal to pursue reconciliation, effectively abandoning their spouse.
Now, if you're tuned out, you'd better tune in. Don't miss what I'm telling you right now. Here's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a severe situation where a professing believer is operating over a long period of time with such hard-heartedness that the church and its leaders have actually stepped in, sought to shepherd this individual, put them under church discipline, and yet they still, in hard-heartedness, refuse to repent or reconcile.
In that situation, that fruit is consistent with the fruit of an unbeliever. In such cases, the church may recognize the unrepentant spouse, over a prolonged period of time, as acting as an unbeliever, and when this occurs, the abandoned spouse may view this text as a biblical basis for dissolving the marriage.
But this is where this goes wrong. You just completely cut out that second half of what I just said. This is where this goes terribly wrong, when people get really unhappy in their marriage, and they're like, "Yeah, but he's an unbeliever. I just know he is. He's got to be an unbeliever." Yet you're talking about someone who has been in the church for years, has been living in community for years, has been serving for years.
They hit a place in their relationship with God where they're really struggling, and you, as a spouse, are hurt enough to say, "I don't think they ever knew the Lord in the first place." That might be true. I don't know. My point is this is why it's so important for you to be surrounded by community who can help you see clearly and to bring in church leadership to help shepherd that individual. Do what is most glorifying, not what is most relieving.
The second thing I want to say on behalf of the elders is that we believe this verse could potentially be applied in situations of abuse. This is where I just want to read directly from our updated statement that's now on the website. It's going to be on the screens.
"Abuse, encompassing physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual harm, violates the core commitments of love, honor, and protection that are fundamental to marriage. While the Bible does not explicitly list 'abuse' as a stated ground for divorce, it consistently upholds the dignity and protection of individuals, condemns oppression and violence, and calls husbands and wives to love and care for one another.
While reconciliation is always God's heart, reconciliation does not mean returning to an abusive situation. The safety of the abused spouse is paramount, and immediate separation is often necessary while the church provides care, protection (including the potential involvement of law enforcement), and shepherding.
In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul permits divorce if an unbelieving spouse abandons a believing spouse. While this passage does not explicitly address abuse, a persistent and unrepentant pattern of abuse may functionally amount to abandonment when the abuser's actions destroy the marital covenant and forsake their responsibilities. In such cases, the church must carefully assess the situation, ensuring that accountability, biblical discipline, and clear steps toward safety and healing are in place.
Recognizing abuse requires careful discernment, and church leadership has a responsibility to provide a thorough and compassionate process. Repentance in the context of abuse must be more than words; it requires genuine, long-term change, demonstrated through tangible actions, accountability, and the rebuilding of trust.
When true repentance is absent, church leaders may conclude that the abuser is acting as an unbeliever. In such cases, church leaders may reach a place where they view the abuse as a form of abandonment, which could constitute biblical grounds for divorce. Our commitment as the church is to protect the vulnerable, provide biblical guidance, and ensure that no one is pressured to remain in an unsafe situation under the guise of reconciliation."
Here's what I want you to hear me say. One of our elders, Blake Holmes, and a few other people have been laboring, doing extensive work on the issue of abuse. They've been working on this for months, and we, as elders, feel a responsibility to provide more clarity as well as care when it comes to abuse.
I'll be doing a message on abuse later this year, and we'll be rolling out a much more robust communication around abuse than we have in the new MDR statement. So, if you don't see it there, that doesn't mean we're not addressing it. But this doesn't mean you need to wait to get help. If you're in an abusive situation right now, we want to help ensure that you are safe now.
Okay. Where do we go from here? I need everyone listening. This is me landing the plane. Where do we go from here? First, I want to ask you to take time to go online and read our updated Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage statement. What I really want to draw your attention to is the priority placed on reconciliation as well as processing hard circumstances with both community and church leadership. Let me just emphasize…please don't miss this…do not make any major decisions about divorce or remarriage in isolation.
Secondly, remember the gospel. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Christ came. He lived. He pursued. We did not love; he first loved us. He came to reconcile us to God. He has made a way when there was no way. He has committed himself to us for all of eternity, and we have the privilege of reflecting that love by the empowerment of his Spirit living inside of us.
Thirdly, if you're single, let me just urge you to cultivate a high view of marriage from now. Settle in your heart from now that marriage isn't ultimately about your happiness or companionship; it's about mission. It's about displaying Christ in your marriage. If you're engaged, let me beg you to go through Merge, and when you stand on the altar, know that your vows aren't simply a ritual; they are a commitment to one another before God for life.
If your marriage isn't burning to the ground, but you could benefit from a tune-up, check out re|engage. Re|engage isn't just for marriages in crisis; it is for any and every marriage. If your marriage is on the doorstep of divorce because it's just harder than you want it to be, let me ask you to take divorce off the table. Rewind to Genesis 1 and 2. Stay married. Choose what is most glorifying, not what is most relieving.
Ask God to reveal any sin or hardness of heart in your own life. Choose to fight for your marriage. Raise your hand. Don't just watch your marriage burn to the ground. Bring community in. Go to re|engage. You might even need to go to professional counseling. If you've gotten a divorce and have not gotten remarried, then I want to ask you to begin to pray that God would open your heart to the idea of reconciliation. Did you notice the wording? _Begin_ to pray that God would _open_ your heart.
And if you are considering remarriage to a different spouse, please process this in the context of community as well as with church leadership to make sure you truly are free to remarry. The Bible only provides a path for remarriage, first, when your former spouse has died; second, when your former spouse has been remarried; or third, when divorce has occurred on clearly biblical grounds.
Next, if you _have_ divorced, especially for illegitimate reasons, and you have already gotten remarried, I want to be clear the answer is not for you to divorce your new spouse to then try to be reconciled to your former spouse. No. Here's what I would encourage you to do. I'd encourage you to do three things.
First, to sit with your new spouse and together acknowledge to God that your decision to get married was not God's best and to ask his forgiveness and experience his grace for taking a step that you were not free to take. Secondly, decide from now that divorce will never be an option for your marriage. Then, thirdly, move forward in confidence that God is now for your marriage and he wants to use your marriage to display his glory to an unbelieving world.
If you're divorced, we have a ministry called _Divorce Recovery_ that will start back up in the fall. You might want to put a note in your calendar from now for it. Then, finally, if you're married and in a good place, thank God for it, and keep cultivating your marriage. Don't stop. "Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall." Keep cultivating it. Remember that your marriage has an enemy.
Look. If you're in a good place right now, would you consider serving in one of our marriage ministries? That doesn't mean you have all of the answers, but you need to know we have a waiting list for couples wanting to go through Merge. We need more leaders in Merge as well as in re|engage. Everybody here should take a step.
Here's how I want to close today. If you're married, and you're sitting next to your spouse, I want to ask you to take the hand of your spouse right now. If you can't hold each other's hand right now, that's a great indication that it's time to take a step.
Here's what I want to do. I want to invite you to go back in your mind to the time when you were standing on the altar at your wedding where the officiant had you turn and face your family and friends, where they pronounced you "Mr. and Mrs. \[So-and-so\]." Now I want to speak over you what that officiant most likely spoke over you but you didn't hear. "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Let's pray together.
God, I just want to ask right now for great grace upon this place. There are thousands of different stories in this room. I can't begin to know the ins and outs of all of them. I can't begin to know the depths of the hurt and the heartache and the pain that have been experienced in this room on the topics of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, yet _you_ know, God. So, Lord, where hope is needed, I pray that you would give it. Where healing is needed, I pray that you would provide it.
Lord, if there is anyone in this room sitting with a hard heart, who is bent on doing life their own way, I pray that right now you would just pierce right through it, for your conviction to be clear and firm and hopeful as well. Would you just have your way in our church, have your way in the marriages in our church? God, I pray that from these last two weeks there would be divorced individuals who would choose to reconcile and get remarried to one another.
God, for couples that have wondered if divorce is the better option, I pray that today you would shore something up in them, that you would give them a supernatural hope and conviction to fight for their marriage. Lord, I thank you that we don't have to fight on our own, but you've given us your Spirit, and you love us. So we love you, God. We need you, and we sing to you. In Jesus' name, amen.