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In this episode of Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, Christine discusses overcoming fear and embracing one's true potential. Taking a unique approach, Christine shares personal anecdotes, encourages the audience to confront their fears, and highlights the importance of taking up space in both personal and professional settings. She delves into the societal conditioning of women to conform to smallness and provides actionable steps to break free and assert oneself. This episode is packed with motivational insights, real-life examples, and practical advice on building a supportive tribe, acting despite fear, and recognizing one's worth. Whether you're facing workplace discrimination or personal challenges, this episode is a powerful call to stand tall, speak your truth, and live boldly.
00:00 Introduction and Shots
01:25 Morning Song and Therapy
02:10 Embracing Fear and Taking Up Space
03:31 Professional and Personal Experiences
10:10 Workplace Discrimination and Health Impacts
15:07 Expressing Anger and Facing Backlash
19:54 Personal Reflections and Getting Small
27:05 Self-Reflection and Accountability
27:44 Taking the Next Best Action
28:36 Crafting a Business Plan
30:29 Navigating Career Transitions
31:56 The Importance of Feedback
35:41 Building Your Tribe
42:40 Talking to Your Friend Grace
47:16 Embracing Your Light and Strength
Creators and Guests
What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?
This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.
My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.
We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.
So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.
43 - Fuck Fear - Doing it scared is still doing it
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[00:00:00] Okay, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley and today. It's not your, we're gonna do shots like we always do, but it's not your virgin one, but it's the first time that we've all done 'em together.
Christine Spratley: Right, Josh? Right. Okay. So I've, they've both got immortality. Well, actually it's immunity. They think it's immortality. Just like a guy I'll live forever if I drink this. Okay. [00:01:00] You ready guys? Yes. All right.
You guys are slow. Ooh. Oh, there was like a giant pepper pack. Whoa, Josh, I'll grow some hair on your chest. Oh yeah. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, today. You've awesome. Ooh, ooh. I'm still getting it.
I'm still getting it guys. So bear with me. The song that I had in my head this morning, this is so bad. When I woke up, was it Girl by L King? I don't. I don't know if you know that song. I'm gonna assume that you don't. I don't. It's um, let's just say it's a little bit raunchy.
Um, but it is such a good song.
It's so much fun. But I woke it up with my head, so I'm literally going to my to, had to do a check-in on, um, for therapy today on my psychiatrist. [00:02:00] And and I'm like, s singing this song, going to, going to therapy. It was so funny. It was just the, the dichotomy of that whole situation. But yeah, if you wanna be an IT girl.
. So what I'm gonna talk about today is more along the lines of how do we, how do we, you know, actually say fuck, fear? What does that look like in action? And so as you're listening today, I want you to think about something as it hits you. 'cause again, I've said this before, if it hits you, it's because you have a belief about something and it's either in conflict or it's in full alignment with that belief.
And it's not what a bad belief or a good belief just. Notice what you're believing and why that is, and kind of spend some time with it. So I believe, and Joe, I'd love to get your thoughts on this, but women are socially conditioned to fear taking up space, um, to fear being big than, than what they seem [00:03:00] the norm is, than, than the male in the room.
Um, we're told to go be big. We are told we can have it all. We are told all of these things, but we are told to use our voice. Just don't use it on me. Just don't be too loud. And so we're always walking this tight rope of ooh and I, and I didn't really. I'm gonna look at this twofold. One in your personal life and one in your professional.
And I'll talk about professional first. I, I always, you know, knew that we had to walk a, a different line. I mean, it, it just is obvious. And I was in a male dominated industry. I. Which was, um, land development when I first started, and then also in site selection and land development and corporate negotiations when in my later years.
So I always knew that, I mean, it was pretty obvious. You read the room. We've talked about emotional intelligence, but. I, I kind of grew up and got my, you know, made my [00:04:00] bones in Texas and in land development and down there it's just, you know, it's darling and sweetheart and, and everything. But if you, if you could show your chops, they'd, they'd let you sit at the table.
And I didn't really start to fully understand that until I, until I started really getting into the later part of my years where I would get big. That would be too big. I would talk or I would present and it would be too much because they on the other side weren't able to handle it. It wasn't that it was too much.
It was, it's like I say, if, if I'm too much, maybe they need to go find less. Um, and if I'm. If I'm too big for this stage, maybe I need to go find a bigger stage that allows me the space of that. And so, but I think I always became aware of that, especially in, in [00:05:00] business. But I also became aware of it in personal relationships, um, not just with men either.
Um, you know, again, it's, I, I remember, you know, there were times, especially when I started talking about being, wanting more from my relationship and potentially moving on from my relationship, my, my marriage, and it was good to a point. And then it was like, oh, no, no, no, no. You know, you, you, this is kind of like, and I, and I had certain friends that were like, this is your role.
This is the role that you've taken. Um, and I was like, I understand that, but I need more. And I'm, I, and I've said I need more, and I've given, and I've given, and it was, and it was almost like, don't get that big, you know? And, um, I remember one, one of my friends literally was like, I'm worried, you know, I'm worried about you.
It was really bizarre for me because everybody else around me was like, yeah, you need to, you need to breathe. You [00:06:00] need to go where there's space for you. Um, and what's interesting is I didn't, I just, I, I didn't leave because I really wanted to, I, I left because I had to, um, and I've talked about this before because I started becoming different and I started becoming smaller inside I.
Smaller outside until I couldn't disappear anymore. It was not possible for me to push anything down anymore. And I think a lot of women and, and I've talked to women and unfortunately feel this way. And it's not just a feeling, it's the reality. I've talked to, I've got guy friends who have wives that are dynamos and they run into this shit in their work, and they're at the tops of the ladders and they still are, are running into this.
So [00:07:00] it's one of these things that I think a lot of people don't. Understand is, is in the fabric, get big, but don't get too big laugh, but not too loud or that cackle laugh or that bitch laugher you, do you know what I mean? I mean, we were talking the other day about the, the, um, the documentary on cussing, um, which we'll have on here and the whole behind the word bitch and, and just things.
And use it, but use it good. And, you know, and, and because she's, you'd never wanna be called a bitch. And, um, and frankly. My, my title is Head Bitch in Charge. Like I, yeah, I'm, I'm bringing it on and I'm, I'm owning it. I'm reclaiming it and what it means, and I'm gonna take up as much space. So today, when you listen to this, I want you to think about,
and, and this is a gut check where, you know, you wanna take up space, like where that is. There's some, you, it's a desire in you to take up space. Or maybe the better question [00:08:00] for you is. Where are you confining? What are, what box are you getting squeezing yourself into? And I use the analogy when I'm trying to get into those damn jeans and I'm jumping into 'em and I'm jumping up and down, and so I can shimmy myself into them and then I walk around, hold my gut into hoping they'll expand a little bit.
And then don't eat anything that you really want. You know? I mean, that is like what it's like and. Where in your life, and it may be just breathing a little bit, it may be just a little bit of space you want, but I just really wanna ask you to do that, and then I'm going to walk through ways that you can take the framework to go into that.
But while there is a cost of being too big, of offending of, um, of. People walking away from you, literally and figuratively of, [00:09:00] you know, the risk that you take sometimes in work and speaking up or speaking out. Um, and, you know, the younger generation, I, I was weird saying the younger generation. I'm 54, I'm be 55 this year and still feel like I'm too young to say the younger generation.
Um, but there's somehow there's this mom, my mom's kind of, you know, notion of that and it just doesn't feel right, but. What's really wild is if we look at the cost of not getting big, of staying silent, of basically becoming smaller and smaller until you just are disappearing. That cost of who you are at your core, your health.
Your spiritual growth, all of that gets so small and so damaged. That is the cost of staying small. That is the [00:10:00] cost. And there's no way out the, I mean, the stats, the stats are incredibly, um, vivid on this. This is just at work. Okay. 50% of all women who endure workplace discrimination or suffer from higher risk, 50%.
Okay. And, and we're not talking about like. Workplace discrimination where you even just, you know, can't get the job or get fired from the job. We're talking about those microaggressions that happen on a daily basis when you're talked over, when someone takes your idea in a meeting. When this happened to me, I had worked on a project, um, this proposal for.
Ever. And I had partners review it and I had the partner, there was a partner in the meeting that had reviewed my proposal that morning to prep me and say, ah, here it is here. Yeah, good job. All right, we're gonna do this. He's gonna back me up. Right? And we get in this meeting, we go through the meeting, and then I kind of, and then I'd given it to the, to our leader and the executive and, and, um, he had set it down and, and I was like, [00:11:00] Hey.
And I'd gotten the balls to be like, Hey. You know, and he, and we're at the, at the end of the meeting, he, he still hadn't brought it up, so I was like, you need to, Hey, and I won't mention his name, but it begins with a p, um, um, and rhymes with Saul and and he, he grabs it and he, you know, 'cause I got made eye contact basically, you know, was like in front of everybody, like, hey, and I was, there were two women in there, myself and another woman who was his secretary basically.
And when I say that. And I put quotes around his secretary. I say it like that because that's how they viewed her. Now what she was, was she was the oil in the system that made the system go. I mean, if you wanted it done, she ended up getting it done. And that's how vital. But it was, you know, she was the assistant.
She was more than the assistant. She was the thing that's that greased the sleds. So I was like, Hey. Saul, [00:12:00] you know, what about da da da? And he picked it up and he literally did this. And you guys like are watched, you watched it, you can see it, but if you're listening to it, you can't.
And he flipped through it and he just flipped through it and then he set it down. He didn't even, I mean like, I don't, he didn't even really, I mean look at it, he just kind of flipped fan and he set it down. He's like and they just went over. And that partner. It didn't say shit. The other people in the room didn't say shit.
And I'm talking about those aggressions, those discriminations, because I guarantee you if that had been some of the guys in the room, that wouldn't have happened. And I'm not saying, I mean, it just wouldn't have. Um, but when we endure. Workplace discrimination. 50% of us suffer from higher risk of heart disease and hypertension.
That's 50%. Okay? So look at, if you're in, go to a group tonight with your girls or just out and look at the [00:13:00] room and go 50% of 'em. Next time you're in a, in the work environment, just take a stab, you know, walk outside your office or in a group setting and look at and go, 50% of us okay. It could be up to 50% because I, you know, there's, I'm not saying everybody gets workplace discrimination, but the high percentage in that room, okay, and then 60% of all women report workplace stress, huh?
Caused by anxiety and or depression. Now this is 60% of the whole room. Okay, so say, all right, well, not everybody in the room that are, are women in my workplace are not being discriminated against, but 60% of all women, women have stress, and all of us that work have workplace stress, but the causes are anxiety and depression.
And again, that's not a fault. We've talked about this. It's not the fault of necessarily us and our anxiety because we're all screwed up. It is our environment to a [00:14:00] degree. And then 70% of all women, 70%, there's a, I'm sorry I read this wrong. 70% higher risk in all women, okay. Of cancer and a a hundred percent increase in early death for women who suppress emotions.
This is all taken from Jennifer Cox's book. Women Are Angry. You can kind of see Joe, while we're a little bit pissed off. I mean, if, if 70% of men had an increase in cancer and a hundred percent increase of early death, we're not talking like, I mean, it's, it's an increase in early death because we suppress emotions.
That's, that's the repercussions of not taking up space and that. Not taking up space a lot of times is caused by the fear of taking up [00:15:00] space. And then this is one of my favorites, and this is what I'm talking about. This is why it's so hard. This is why the fear comes in, is the study that was done that shows, and again, it's in her book, 75% of all women say expressing anger at work or disagreement, you know, making those waves.
At work results in backlash or negative consequences, which then typically leads to discrimination, which then causes anxiety, which then causes stress, which gives us anxiety and depression, which then we suppress. And guess what? We typically have a hundred percent rate of dying early. I, I just say all that because we're not.
This isn't an emotional thing in the sense of, oh, we're just being crazy. These are numbers. This is your life. So as you listen to this, think [00:16:00] about your environment and where you're getting small. And I we've talked about this before and then you brought it up. Um, rhe had brought it up on a topic quite, quite a few times about listening to your body and your body acting.
And you said that the other day about your body and how it reacts and. When I say that to you as a listener, you probably thought of something and then you reacted to it and your body reacted. And then you probably, I don't know if you said this, 'cause I typically do this in coaching and I have a couple different reactions.
They'll either go, they'll be like, they'll have that first thought and then they'll be like, oh, no, no, no, no, not that one. I'm, it's really okay. That's really okay. I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I'm big on that stage. It's the, it's the thought that says, no, don't go there. And their body goes, Ooh. And then it gets tight. Or they go, yeah, this is where I'm getting screwed over and this is where I'm getting small and man, I wish I could have that.
Um, and it's, but it's, it's, it's, it's [00:17:00] almost visceral in their body, the reaction of that. And so saying, fuck, fear is not reckless. Okay. That's what I'm saying. I respect the fear, but it's sacred rebellion. It is, it is this glorious defiance about it, about refusing to not take up space. And so what do we, how do we do it?
How do you, how do you go there? And, um, there's, I I, I, I, I have to be honest, there is, um. The, um, Abbott brothers that I hadn't, you probably know them Joe, but I hadn't really been into their music. I have a friend who, you know, enlightened me to it, but there's, there is this song called February seven and, um, it says in this line there is, there's this thing, and it's called, um, it says there's no returning to the [00:18:00] spoils.
Once you spoil the thought of them. There's no falling back to sleep once you've awakened from the dream. And so what that is, is the first thing is to tell on yourself to, to, when I said that to you about where are you, where are you getting smaller, where are you tiptoeing around? Who are you tiptoeing around?
Tell on yourself. Tell your girlfriends. Write it down. Put it out there. Get it out. Even if you'd never do anything with it, just get it out there, admit it to yourself, but then tell on yourself. And I've, I've found that when I do that, a couple things happen because none of what I've done in my life, even though it seems like I jump in, I've typically thought about it.
I've done the mental masturbation in it for quite a while and, um, but I've started to tell on myself. I mean, I've. My career [00:19:00] change. Um, I was looking for a career change from my career two years after I was at ey, which was, you know, 11 years before I left my career, my industry. And I just stayed and I stayed 'cause I, I wasn't sure.
I wasn't sure what it was. So again, I'm not saying that immediately everything changes, but I'm saying talk it. Speak it. Put it out there. And guys, this is the same for you. This works for you too. Get it out of your head. Get it out of your, you've heard me talk about, um, in the episode, you're only as sick as your secrets.
Put it out there. It's the secret that you don't wanna tell that you're getting small, that you feel small, that you feel that you're tiptoeing, that you can't take up space. And I'll tell you where this happens. If you're having a hard time understanding or relating to this, um, I'll give you [00:20:00] some examples in my work and then I'll give you some examples in my personal life.
Um, example in work, hovering over an email before you send, before you send it. And I'm not talking when you spout off, I'm talking, you've written a good email and, and you're just tied up and not hovering over it. I'm talking about, you know, at my wor at some of my worst. You know, walking out of a meeting and going in the bathroom and bawling.
Um, and no one, no one at all saying anything in the meeting or, or afterwards. I remember that the meeting that I talked to you about, I called the, I called Jackie afterwards and I was, and I was just, and she was like, Hey, are you okay? And I said, no. And I just, I was at the airport and I was just crying.
Um, you know, those are the big ones. The little ones are, you're sitting there and this is a big one for me. And it took me a while to understand it. I'd be in a meeting and I spoke about this in, in, um, in the Women's Manufacturing [00:21:00] summit, um, for women in manufacturing last year. I gave a speech on, and this was, part of it, was you're in a meeting and they got it wrong.
They got it wrong, and you're like, and you're waiting for someone else to figure it out. You're waiting. You are waiting. Even just the hesitation is a sign of, Ooh, I could like, I'm, I, I gotta wait. Just, just maybe, maybe they'll catch up instead of being able to just go, yeah, that's that. No, no. This is what it is, guys.
And for me, when I first started noticing this, I assumed I messed up. I assumed that two plus two was not four. I assume that somehow I had done the, the math wrong. And me being dyslexic, I've always like, okay, but again, or it would be a topic or this, or, or they couldn't see the solution, or it would be another one would be, I would see, they would be like, oh, it's so complicated.
I'm like, actually, it's not, you just [00:22:00] have to do boom, boom and boom. And I would wait and I would wait, and then I would, I would sometimes meekly in the beginning raise my hand and say, well, you know, and. I would say would we wanna consider, you know, and we've used language like that, I'm okay using some of those languages, but when I have to start curtailing the language in which my delivery happens just to deliver the solution, you know, I'm getting small.
Those are some ways, um, I remember. Having to do reviews at at ey, where basically it's this big, long kind of dissertation of everything you've done over the year, but it's anything that you've accomplished or the team has AC accomplished, and you have to take credit for everything. Like it has to be, I did this and I said that, and I accomplished it could be like you managed a team that did it, but in that dissertation you had to write like you did it.
That was extremely [00:23:00] hard for me and I felt very guilty and I felt like I was braggadocious and, and you know, so like, where is this coming from? Why can I not state the facts? Because I wanna make sure that people don't think my intent is wrong or that I don't get things wrong. And again, so if you're having a hard time finding a place where you're small, those might be some areas at work, personal life.
[00:24:00] I, I will tell you an example, and this is hard for me to, to say, but in personal life, um, I, I like, you know, when I'm, when I'm with someone that's my significant other or whatever, I like to, you know, dress for 'em and you know, like, I like 'em to like what I look like and I like my nails and you know, I do my nails now and I've always done my nails, but, um.
Christine Spratley: I came home one time and I'd done my nails and, and done my toes and I was like, Hey, what do you think? And, and um, the comment wasn't bad in the sense. He's like, ah, okay. He goes, but you know who it reminds me of? And he stated a woman's name who I know he hates and I know, and I didn't really like her either, but he is like, yeah, he is kind of got that, that kind of woman feel.
And he, you know. And [00:25:00] I didn't go, well, fuck you. I like red and I like these la you know this. I went and I never wore it again. I very, I put it on my toes, but I always wore, um, more neutral, more, you know, bu bubble bath. Pink and stuff like that. And I loved it. My nails look great and I always said, but that, and then I also didn't want to have too much red nails at work like that is just, and I always said, well, it's a conservative environment again.
Come on, come on. If I'm saving you, if I'm negotiating a deal and I'm getting you $30 million. Doesn't matter what color my nails are, but I was getting small. I didn't, I didn't, I had this happen, um, recently with a woman and, and I said, I walked in, I said, oh my God, your lips looks great. And it was just red.
She's got these tiny lips and she's still a petite thing and a bomb, it just out there. [00:26:00] And, um, and she said, yeah, I was gonna wear it to this, um, deposition the other day, but I didn't, you know, I didn't know how I'd look and I didn't wanna come. And I, and, and again, don't get small. So think about where you're getting small and then write it down, say to your girlfriend, say, Hey, I really like this and I am not doing it because of, I can't, I can't.
Well, why can't you so tell on yourself? That's, that's kind of where it goes. And, and again, whether that's a good friend, whether that's, and I tend to do it more than once. Because I, I'm fortunate enough now to have planted people in my life, um, that really show up for me. And so they'll ask me. And so sometimes so and so will be on vacation, won't or will get busy in their life and so they won't, um, have time to kind of connect.
But [00:27:00] Ina will ina in's around and she'll be like, Hey, she'll text me. Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You said you were gonna, you know, work on this or this was important to you. How's that going? And it, and if I, if I'm doing the same thing, staying small, getting smaller, getting smaller, then they, they tend to go, Hey, hey, you, you remember you said you wanted to be a bigger, be, you know, talk up more at work, or you wanted to change your work environment or whatever.
But tell on yourself. And then people, this is a key thing and this is one of those things where
I just really, 'cause people always wanna go, well, what do you do next? And you are not gonna like this. It's total kind of consultants speak, but it's very true. And follow me through on this is you've already assessed the situation, so whatever you think you're small on, okay. You may say, I need to get a new job.
Okay, and, but right now I can't. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, that's fine. [00:28:00] But then take the next best action. What is the next best action? Sometimes it may be quitting a job and going to another. Otherwise, it may be looking at jobs that you might be thinking about. It may be getting, um, someone to help you with your resume.
It may be getting it. What is your next best action? We've all gathered data on this. And that next best action could be very small or it could be very big. But the great thing about it is that when you get done with taking the next best action, it lines you up for the next best action. I wrote, and you've heard me say this, I wrote a business plan, um, completed it in January, 2024.
I, I had been thinking about it and I had done, and I was doing, I was taking the next best action through this. I had originally, I had started, I just started writing down, I really don't like my job. And I tell a few people, and then I started sitting in, on, um, [00:29:00] workshops on getting a new job. And how do you find wow what you love to do when you don't know what you, what you love?
And I had done sort of all, you know, and I was just plugging along, plugging along, plugging along. And then I was in a women's network group and I told them, I think I wanna go coaching again. I start, I was telling myself on the, on, on this thing, 'cause I knew the stage was too small for me. I knew I didn't wanna be there anymore and I was so fearful that I couldn't leave because we had kids in college and all this stuff, and mortgage and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And, but I just kept doing it. I kept doing the next thing, the next thing, and it lined me up. And as the, as I got further along, I got more and more clarity. I. Right. But I wasn't stagnant and it wasn't, this is what it was not, it was not giving 110% more into my job. It was going, I'm gonna give what I need to give in my job, but I'm gonna also keep pedaling and growing this.
I'm gonna keep watering this on the side [00:30:00] until, until, okay. But I kept them both going and. In January, I said, okay, I'm quit. Quit doing this. I'm gonna put down, I'm gonna put it down on paper. I'm gonna write a business plan. And it had a timeline of two years. You've heard me say this before. Two years, July 2nd, 2026.
But I had it, I had my services, I had what I wanted to give, I wanted to do this and, and, and then I would do some consulting on the side, back and forth, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I had the words for it, right? And then in May I had a call with someone whose friend, and she also used, we used to work together and she works in the industry that I used to be in, and she.
Said, Hey, why don't you come and do what you do there for them, for us, but just do it as a contract. And I said, I don't know. 'cause it really doesn't get me where I wanna do, 'cause I'd written that business plan, otherwise I would've just gone from one to one firing band to the other. And um, but I had the business plan.
But then the second part of that is I [00:31:00] was able, because I had the business plan, I said, I can come in and I can be your PMO. I can be your PMO for all your projects and I can, I can go into any project. I don't wanna run all of them. I don't wanna do your full site selection, but I can come in and I can do A to z.
I can train your staff, or I can go see what the governor like. I can do all of that. I've been doing it forever. What does that sound like? And because I had that business plan, I was able to take that and then they were like, yeah, we'll do it. And so immediately I had this stuff. But again, it's because I took the next best action.
Now, do I do that exact same thing today? Has my business plan changed? Yes. I I, I'm a speaker now and I do this, and I, you know, I still do that. Um, if, if you wanna hire me, I'll take the money, but I had those things and so it's the next best action. Again, sometimes it's really small, sometimes it's really big.
But if I keep taking the Nest Specs action, there's two [00:32:00] things that happen. One, I move forward towards what I want, and two, I get feedback on it. That is huge feedback of, Ooh, I don't like that. Thi this is one of the things that I did when I was in the women's network. I, um, had decided, okay, I'd gotten a list of all these different things that I thought I wanted to do, and I tried 'em on try.
You've heard this before, probably Joe, where you try on, you're like, I don't know what I, so you start interviewing people, you start interviewing people that are actually doing it, and you go, you know, what do you love? What do you hate? What, what's really a day like in your life? I mean, every, I had everything on there.
'cause I had done this survey and people gave me back everything from. Sports, um, working in sports to being a lobbyist, to being in a public, you know, public or, um, pr, you know, crisis management, stuff like that. Um, and I, so I interviewed a ton of people a lot and a lot of women interviewed a lot of women in there.
Um, and I was like, Ooh, I thought I wanna do that. No, I [00:33:00] do not wanna do that. Ooh, I thought I wanna do that. Ooh, no, I wanna, and that's how I came up with coaching. 'cause that's really where I thought I wanted to do is my main, and I still, and I do it, I, I'm a coach as well. Um, but again, that led me to be able to ha gain that information about what I wanted to do, what I didn't wanna do.
And when I wrote my business plan and put it out there. Now I have something to go back to and go, Ooh, that didn't work. You know? But if I'm never taking any action, none except the same action that makes me feel small, then I'm always gonna stay there. If I'm never doing any little thing that gets me to a place where I feel like I can get big.
And I'm gonna tell you the second half of fuck fear, doing it scared. I was scared the whole way. I'm scared now. I was talking to a friend this weekend [00:34:00] and she's like, you just, you know, she's in a really bad spot. Not a bad spot. She's in, well, no, she's in a really bad spot. And she's like, but you, you've got your shit together.
And I go are you kidding me? If you looked at my finance, like seriously, I look like I have my shit together. But what's your shit together? It just means you know where all your shit's at. Just still means you got shit. And I was scared shitless, you know? Um, but because I've taken the next right action and I've had experience, I'm a little bit less scared on things because I know I'm resilient and I know where to go.
I know how to fill out the forms when I need help, but doing the next thing, the next best action.. And this is one thing I I remember very specifically, um, is that when I'm waiting for the right action, I'm waiting for absolute clarity and perfection so I can control the situation and, and it'll be gone.
We talked about this with [00:35:00] closure, right? Like I'm waiting for it to happen, like the sign and. A lot of times, I, I texted this to a woman this morning and she's like, well, God has a plan. I said, yeah, he is waiting for you to write it. Just write it and then he'll give you feedback on it. You know, like, like, go execute.
So again, start the next best action I and bounce it off on people. If you want people you trust, you know, get out there. But you get that feedback and that feedback will tell you if there's a better action. To take another next best action to take a change, in course a pivot. The third thing is build your tribe.
Get you a tribe. And I'm not talking about the wishy. Was she friends that come and go? I'm not talking about the ones that suck up all your time and your energy. I'm talking about the ones who remember the little things [00:36:00] about what you are striving for. That ask you about them that don't necessarily go, how are you doing?
But like, Hey, what'd you ever do about that? Not in an accusatory way, but that are cur seriously curious. And if you don't have any, go find them. There are people out there, and I'm not talking just women. Women saved my ass in so many, and you've heard me talk about my OG mugshot crew. These, these women are like the gangsters of my life.
Like you, they're the FA families, like they're there. But there's also a lot of men that have through my life that have been in my tribe, that have given me feedback that have said, Hey, yeah, you need to get the hell outta here. I mean, you've heard me talk about Brandon going, yeah, Christine, you know, Saul told you you, you couldn't sell and you bought that bullshit.
It's, it's all bullshit. You can do it just fine. Just do it your way. Get [00:37:00] bigger and again, get your tribe, but start understanding that if you don't have your tribe. When I didn't have my tribe, this is what it was. I was either blocking the relationship because I didn't want to, they were real, and they would ask me about shit that I was scared shitless to do that I had mentioned Let slip out.
And so I started weaning those people off. When I started getting smaller and smaller, I started weaning those off. And what I started doing was I'll just get really involved with my family and I'll just get really involved with my husband and I'll just get really involved with our activities and my work.
Okay? And so it was a real controlled environment for me to stay the same for there gonna be no outside input of, Hey, you look a little bit off today. And you've looked a little bit off for the last four times that I've talked to you, and I've only talked to you in the last three months, four times. So like, what's going on?[00:38:00]
There wasn't any of that because I had slowly started to get, not communicate with my mugshot crew. Um, so again, get yourself your tribe and if they're not interested in where you want to go and who you are and want to become. Why are they in your tribe? I really had to ask myself that because I've got, you know, there's this thing of networking and I'm not a big, I was never big into a ton of friends, but there's this thing of, I'm always missing out, or, or not I'm missing out on fun, but like I'm missing out on friendships.
Like I, like I should be part of. And what I've realized is that when it comes to this stuff, there's networking with work and everything, but when it comes to this stuff. And really facing fears and walking through the fire scared shitless. I don't need 20 people, [00:39:00] I don't need 20, I don't need 20 friends.
I don't need 20 opinions. I need a few women that have done that shit and a couple guys to go, yeah, this is, this is where the men are gonna come in on your life and try to screw it up. Seriously. I know that sounds, I don't care how it sounds. Yeah, but literally I will take one woman over five guys any day, a woman who's been through the fire just, and, and again, Joe, I don't know if that that hits you, but I just, the way, especially when the fire is there, like someone who's really been through it.
When I, um, when I made the call to a friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in, like really spoken to in many years about me leaving. A flip switched on in her head and she said, you need to do boom, boom, boom. 'cause I was crying and I was really upset. She said, you need to do boom, boom, boom, boom. I don't care how you do 'em.
And it got me into the next spec section and blah, blah. You know, like, [00:40:00] you need to take care of yourself. This is, and it wasn't this, we're gonna hold hands and saying Kumbaya. They led me through the fire. Until I could get my feet and I'd go, okay, what, what am I doing? And, and they didn't make decisions for me.
That's another thing. Your tribe doesn't have to, you know, they don't make decisions for you, but they have gone through the shit. And I don't want, you know, when I'm in the trenches, I don't want some pany ass in there with me. I don't want somebody going, well breathe, okay, breathe comes after, give me, you know, like, do something I want, you know?
Yeah. Or it's, breathe. Now go do this girl. Or this is gonna hit you. I remember talking to one of 'em, it's like, yeah, this is gonna hit you upside the head in about a month. And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever. I got this. Okay, got this. Sure enough, in the month I'm sitting there crying on the kitchen floor.
What the hell did I do? What the hell? You know, watch my credit score, go down, watch my bank account go down. What the hell did I do? You know, am I gonna do this? But they are going to, I'm gonna tell you this story. [00:41:00] So my financial planner, I. Is, um, a woman, her name is Pam, and I had met with her back in May.
My husband and I had met with her at the time, back in May of 2024, and didn't, he didn't want to use that firm, and I was like, fine, whatever. And then when we split, I was like, I need some, I need some help. And so I called her. And told her what was going on, and, um, she told me, Hey, this is you. We're gonna, you're gonna need to tighten the belt.
You're gonna need to do this. And then she said something to me and she said, I want you. She says, you're gonna start going through some things where you're gonna doubt everything that you do. You're gonna second guess every step that you take or took. And you're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna make a ton of mistakes.
You're gonna spend, you know, especially we're talking about finance, you're gonna spin things as you shouldn't. You're gonna get in contracts as you shouldn't. But she says when that hits and that fear hits, and this is really important, [00:42:00] when that fear hits, she said, I want you to remember all of the women that have, and all the things that they've told you, and how much.
They believe in you, that they are guiding you. And I want you to remember my words, that you are good, that you're gonna make it through this, and we're gonna get you to a place where you wanna be. I will take that shit every day of the week. Those people I want in my tribe. And then it was a, after that, it was a swift kick in the ass of, you gotta get your finances straight, you know?
But again, get yourself a tribe. And then the last thing, um, you've also heard me talk about this is talk, talk to your friend Grace. And what I mean by that, if you've never heard this me say this in my episodes, I have a friend, grace, she's co she, we did mutual coaching at Deloitte. [00:43:00] Amazing coach, amazing mom.
Um, just amazing business woman. And she doesn't do coaching at Deloitte. She does that on the side at Deloitte. In this, in, they have a coaching community there. But so she does her main job, which is put out fires for everybody else and make sure shit doesn't blow up. Um, amazingly well she does that, but we were talking one day and she was saying she was coaching me and she says, okay, Christina, I don't you to picture yourself in a chair across from you.
Just look at it, look at the chair. 'cause I had a chair in my office at. And she said, I want you to see that chair and I want you to pretend that you're in that chair, but you are not there. You're, you're, it's your friend. How would you talk to your friend about what you're going through? What words would you use?
What grace would you give them? She goes, I talk to me, which her name is Grace, my friend Grace, as if I were my friend, grace. So I literally, do I talk to [00:44:00] myself? 'cause I can get really bitchy. Mean not, not like nice bitchy, like, mean, bitchy to myself and real critiquing in my head, oh, you shouldn't have done this.
Oh, you spent on this, or, oh, you, you missed this business development opportunity. Or, oh, why did you, why, why, what? And I guarantee you, if it's my friend that I'm talking to. I'm not coming at it with a y. You dumb. It's a, alright. What did you learn? Okay, where do you need it to go? You're good. You're good.
You got this girl. Come on girl. You know. Let's go. Let's go. All right. Cry. Cry like a baby. It's okay. You know, this hurts. It would be this encouragement from the soul. It would not be this condescending, judgmental hell, fire and brimstone language. It just wouldn't, that's not how I talk to my friends that I truly care about.
And so talk to Friend Grace. Treat yourself like you would treat your friend. I always say this, I wish [00:45:00] every woman, every woman would treat themselves and talk to themselves and love themselves as much as they treat their children. And are the mama bears for their children or their besties? If we did that for ourselves, could you imagine the shit we would do?
And the fuckery we would get into and the things that you would do. And if your face lit up and your eyes brightened when I said that, you're too small right now because you can go do those things. You really can. Why not? And this is the other thing about when I talk to my friend, grace. Now, I always say this to her.
And and to myself really is I get to go do anything. I don't necessarily have to do it well, but I get to have that [00:46:00] experience. I get to live and I just really want you to remember that you are enough. And you've heard me say this a thousand times and I can't drive it home enough. There's that poem after a while.
Hooray, Borges. And it talks about after a while when you say goodbye and you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong and you really have do have worth you really. Can endure. You really are strong and you really do have worth, and with every goodbye you learn and you learn. So say goodbye to the small stage.
Say goodbye to being small. Fuck, fear, doing it scared. You're still doing it. [00:47:00] You're still walking through the fire. Anybody who tells you it ain't scared. I don't know their head's on. Right. Life's scary. Life's say contact sport, put on your pads and play. One of the things that I say to people that I just, there are some people in my life that I just think are just these bursts of sons is they're just, Ugh.
And I can't wait. I can't wait for them to just. Just jump on there and go ta-da. And because they are, they have this love and this light and this fierceness about them, and they're all different. Like, they're like one's way business and one's way like levitating over there on the mountains and, and everybody in between.
But they are, they have this energy and you mean just feel it, right? And they're just, ah, I can't wait. I can't wait. But I say this to them and when I text 'em I'm like, [00:48:00] you know. Go spread your light. We need it. We need your light. So go step into your spotlight. The stage is meant for you. You are the hero of your own story, and you really can endure, and you really are strong and you really do have worth, and typically I only understand that.
When I've walked through and I'm walking through and going, oh wow, I can endure this pain because I'm experiencing it. Oh wow. I am strong enough to use my voice because I'm using it. Oh, wow. I do have worth because I recognize it
and this is where I belong, or, so ladies, gentlemen, don't go small. You are meant to be big. We need [00:49:00] your light until next time. Tubs