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Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!
Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.
From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.
(On the Roman Nose, Episode Four, Old Toothless)
THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.
VOICE: And now, to Rome!
CROWD CHEERING.
CAESAR: What gives Sensus?
SENSUS: My stockings, Lord Caesar.
CAESAR: Oh, I know the feeling. Oh, I mean with this crowd?
SENSUS: Oh, it's just the masses.
CAESAR: Is Cleopatra's mother about?
SENSUS: No, my Lord, masses as in populous.
CAESAR: Ah, I see. Why so vocal?
SENSUS: It was sports day at the Colosseum.
CAESAR: What was on?
SENSUS: Christians versus lions, my Lord.
CAESAR: Oh, always a good contest! What was the score?
SENSUS: Lions three, Christians nil.
CAESAR: Ah, excellent. But why so much fuss? I mean it’s a normal result.
SENSUS: There was that one exception.
CAESAR: Oh, yes, yes, all excepting that incredible day when they threw Sard the Famished in with the
lions.
SENSUS: An incredible day.
CAESAR: But why the fuss today?
SENSUS: They used Cyril the Lion.
CAESAR: Old toothless Cyril eh?
SENSUS: The very same my Lord.
CAESAR: Well I never. I mean how did he dispatch them?
SENSUS: He sucked them to death.
CAESAR: Good Gods, sucked them to death?
SENSUS: Apparently you could hear their screams clear across the Forum.
CAESAR: No doubt, seeking forgiveness for their disloyalty to Rome.
SENSUS: No, my Lord. For enjoying the way they died.
CAESAR: Amazing.
SENSUS: Anyway, my Lord we have news of further uprisings in Greece.
CAESAR: And the outcome?
SENSUS: We won, my Lord.
CAESAR: The score?
SENSUS: One-nil in extra time.
CAESAR: That is far too close, Sensus. Who is the ambassador?
SENSUS: Testiclees, my Lord.
CAESAR: Ah, yes. Very well, send for Ambassador Testiclees.
SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Send for Ambassador Testiclees!
GUARD : (DISTANT) Send for Ambassador Testiclees!
INTERCOM: (OVER PA) A Matador test please, a Matador test please, report to Lord Caesar.
CAESAR: Get that fixed.
SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.
FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON MARBLE A LONG WAY OFF GETTING
LOUDER BUT TAKING A LONG TIME. THEN A SHORT SCREECH
TO STOP.
SENSUS: Good god’s man, you were only in the next room.
TESTICLEES: (VERY DEEP VOICE) I take small steps. Hail Caesar!
CAESAR: Ave. I believe there have been uprisings in the provinces.
TESTICLESS: Yes, Lord Caesar. A group from the South were hungry and wanted food.
CAESAR: And their provisions?
TESTICLEES: Spartan.
CAESAR: I see.
TESTICLEES: Three men entered wearing baklavas.
CAESAR: Don't you mean balaclavas?
TESTICLEES: Nay, it was a sticky situation.
SENSUS: And their weapons?
TESTICLEES: They wielded statues of Venus de Milo.
SENSUS: Good Gods.
TESTICLEES: They were unarmed.
CAESAR: Do you think there will be a reoccurrence?
TESTICLEES: Perhaps my Lord.
CAESAR: Can we distract them with more sports?
TESTICLEES: I think the Olympics have tired.
CROWD CHEER.
CAESAR: Well enough. Thank you Testicles, how is your twin brother?
TESTICLEES: Which one?
SENSUS: Which one?
TESTICLEES: Yes, I'm one of triplets, Lord Caesar.
CAESAR: Three Testiclees?
SENSUS: You don’t say?
CAESAR: Oh, that's just not right
THEME OUT.
END
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones