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The Big Quest Ion is a deranged audio fever dream where two friends surrender the storytelling reins to AI and go galloping confidently into a fantasy cluster bang of epic proportions. This is a podcast where narrative whiplash is a feature, not a bug. What is AI’s impact on entertainment? Can AI write meaningful stories? Did two friends from different countries really need to start a whole podcast as an excuse just to hang out?
The Big Quest Ion is “Lord of the Rings” if Frodo ate ALL the mushrooms on the way to Mordor and map was AI generated. There’s no plan. No mercy. No going back. Just chaos, comedy, characters, and the relentless pursuit of answers to life’s great quest… ions. “Who are we?” Why are we?” “Did I take bath salts or am I just listening to “The Big Quest Ion?” We donno man, maybe both?
Buckle your britches and tune in for equal parts epic fantasy, parody, and existential experiment, as we embark on a satirical journey to uncover what makes a good story, what even IS art anyway, and everything in between on THE BIG QUEST ION!
Produced by Humans
00;00;00;00 - 00;01;12;09
Narrator
When we last left. Our unlikely heroes Puds the violent hedgehog knight and Archibald, the mad engineer, were drowning their frustrations in a dusty Egyptian tavern, dreaming of lost pyramids and forgotten treasure. But when a mysterious talking black cat appeared with dark prophecies, their lives spiraled into chaos as they faced off against a cult intent on unleashing the ancient god, Setekh, from beneath a cursed construction site. Through brute strength, explosive inventions, and ancient magic they narrowly stopped Setekh’s return by dropping a massive stone block on his monstrous shadowy hand. Now, fleeing into the endless sands, they know this was merely the beginning of a greater battle; their journey has only just begun.
00;01;12;09 - 00;01;39;16
Taylor
Hello, fellow travelers, and welcome back to the Big Quest Ion. This is episode two in our AI driven series, “The Curse of the Black Pyramid.” That's right. This podcast is quote-unquote “written by AI,” and it acts like our little digital dungeon master leading us on a quest full of all sorts of psychedelic buddies and baddies, but fear not, we, the humans, have one hand firmly on the wheel, and we'll make sure that we do, in fact, drive the car over a cliff.
00;01;39;19 - 00;02;00;21
Taylor
If you've ever wondered what it would be like if a major motion picture was produced after optioning a toddler's finger, painting as the IP: this is the show for you. When you hear the sound design, that's how you know the script was written by AI. And when it cuts out, that's when you know that it's the boring old human thoughts.
00;02;00;23 - 00;02;17;17
Taylor
A little bit of business to take care of before we get going. We're going to do our best to sort of bleep out all of the unsavory language. But this isn't exactly a show for kids. In fact, I would say that the hosts of this show are basically teenagers trapped in adult bodies. So mature themes abound and listener discretion is advised.
00;02;17;19 - 00;02;39;01
Taylor
Okay. One thing I would like to do in this episode that we didn't do in last episode is I'd like to introduce an element of random chance. I was thinking about it where it's like crushing this hand this way is so dumb. I would love to give that almost like a Dungeon Masters rating where it's like, all right, this has got like roll 15 or above or something to see if this works or whatever.
00;02;39;03 - 00;02;46;26
Alex
Or like based on the character and the abilities, make a realistic decision as to whether or not they accomplished whatever it is they're trying to do.
00;02;46;27 - 00;03;37;09
Taylor
When we last left off, we were sort of traipsing our way into the desert like a bunch of feral children, and now we're excited to get back to it. We could either go to option A, the City of Khefer-Ra, where it's sort of a bustling, lawless trade city with thieves and merchants and all kinds of fun shenanigans, no doubt. Option B, the Cursed Oasis. That's right. Yeah. Where there's sort of like a, deep pool of water and a mysterious garden spirit that gets awakened and all that kind of crazy s**t. And then three, the pyramid of the Forgotten King. We find an old, halfiburned scroll and then a hidden pyramid buried beneath the dunes. And just like a bunch of, like, clues and s**t in there. And so this was one that we left up to the audience to decide where we went.
00;03;40;10 - 00;03;40;26
Alex
Ah yes the audience.
00;03;40;26 - 00;03;47;11
Taylor
Currently the audience that we have is the two of us. So where do we want to go?
00;03;47;14 - 00;03;57;27
Alex
Audience of two I think A. Opens up the opportunity for not only kind of new characters, but doesn't contain us so much.
00;03;57;27 - 00;04;07;25
Taylor
I am also leaning towards option A, in fact, I'm like all in on option A, the audience has spoken and we have decided that we are going to choose A.
00;04;07;25 - 00;04;12;17
Alex
Stretch the fingers, flex the tits. Okay.
00;04;16;11 - 00;04;45;07
Narrator
Chapter two The City of Secrets. The scorching sun beats down upon the vast desert as Puds, Archibald Mortimer Rigsby the third, also known as Archie Riggs, and the black Cat approached the towering gates of Khefer-Ra,, the infamous desert city known as the City of Thieves. The city buzzes with life, a melting pot of outcasts, merchants, con artists and mystics.
00;04;45;12 - 00;04;55;29
Narrator
Bright colored tents and sandstone buildings stretch in every direction. The air hums with the sounds of haggling, laughter and occasional fights breaking out.
00;04;56;02 - 00;05;00;06
Puds
So this is Khefer-Ra. Smells like camel s**t and regret.
00;05;00;06 - 00;05;13;03
Archibald
Oh, precisely. It's a perfect place to seek out hidden truths, ancient maps, and perhaps a bit of trouble. Oh, I have always wanted to visit this place.
00;05;13;08 - 00;05;18;25
Black Cat
Careful what you wish for. The city eats outsiders alive.
00;05;18;28 - 00;05;22;11
Archibald
Well, lucky for us, we're not outsiders. We're adventurers.
00;05;22;18 - 00;05;25;02
Puds
Yeah, right. And I'm the Pharaoh's cousin.
00;05;25;02 - 00;05;37;01
Narrator
They step inside the city gates immediately, a young, grinning street urchin named Zahira rushes over, blocking their path. She's nimble, no older than 16, with keen eyes, and infectious energy.
00;05;37;07 - 00;05;46;17
Zahira
Welcome honored visitors! For a small price Zahira will be your personal guide through Khefer-Ra. I'll show you unders secrets and maybe save you from being robbed blind.
00;05;46;21 - 00;05;49;26
Puds
Yeah. Who's going to rob us? You?
00;05;49;28 - 00;05;53;23
Zahira
If I wanted to, you'd already be broke, little warrior.
00;05;53;26 - 00;06;03;14
Archibald
I like her already. So tell me, Zahira, do you know anything about ancient pyramids? Specifically those belonging to the god... Setekh?
00;06;03;16 - 00;06;08;13
Narrator
Zahira’s eyes widened slightly than narrow as she glances around suspiciously.
00;06;08;13 - 00;06;13;20
Zahira
Careful with that name there are ears everywhere. Follow me if you value your lives.
00;06;13;20 - 00;06;26;22
Narrator
She darts into a crowded marketplace, Puds groans, but they follow. They wind through bustling stalls filled with spices, jewels, weapons and exotic animals. Zahira stops suddenly, ducking behind a silk merchant's tent.
00;06;26;25 - 00;06;44;15
Zahira
Look, if you're after Setekh, you're not just looking for treasure. You're looking for trouble. Bad trouble. There's a man here, General Hekau. He rules the city in everything but name. And he's hunting anyone who even whispers about Setekh.
Puds
So what's he want with an angry old God?
00;06;44;15 - 00;06;53;03
Zahira
Power, revenge, a weapon, maybe. Who knows? But he's paranoid. People disappear around here. People who ask the wrong questions.
00;06;53;03 - 00;06;57;04
Taylor
And yet here you are talking to us. Does that make you brave or foolish?
00;06;57;06 - 00;07;10;14
Zahira
Both. But also, I need your help. I know someone who might have answers A fortune teller named Madam Suru. She's strange, dangerous, and possibly not human. But if you want answers, she has them.
00;07;10;14 - 00;07;16;07
Puds
We came all this way to trust a teenager and a crazy fortune teller.
00;07;16;09 - 00;07;22;08
Black Cat
Well, you trust an insane engineer and a talking cat, so why not.
00;07;22;11 - 00;07;26;13
Archibald
Good enough for me. Lead the way Zahira. We've got history to rewrite.
00;07;26;16 - 00;07;29;18
Puds
Sure, just don't get killed before I get paid.
00;07;29;25 - 00;07;48;25
Narrator
They weave through the market deeper into the city's shadowy heart. Zahira leads Puds, Archibald, and the black Cat through a narrow, winding alley lit by flickering lanterns. The noise of the city fades to a distant hum. They stopped before a tiny, rundown building, marked with strange symbols in faded paint.
00;07;48;27 - 00;07;54;21
Puds
This is it, Madam Suru’s place. Keep your wits about you. She's unpredictable.
00;07;54;27 - 00;07;57;27
Archibald
I find unpredictability rather charming.
00;07;58;00 - 00;08;03;16
Taylor
And get the vibe that Archie's kind of, Don Juan, you know? Watch out madam Suru!
00;08;03;16 - 00;08;04;29
Puds
Yeah, that explains a lot.
00;08;05;07 - 00;08;08;15
Narrator
Zahira knocks softly on the wooden door, a pause, then.
00;08;08;15 - 00;08;11;29
Madame Suru
Enter, travelers. I've been expecting you.
00;08;12;06 - 00;08;14;23
Black Cat
Oh. That's promising.
00;08;14;27 - 00;08;33;05
Narrator
They step into a dimly lit room filled with incense smoke, strange crystals preserved animals in jars, and faded tapestries depicting scenes of ancient gods and battles. Madame Suu sits at a round table, her face obscured by a sheer veil, eyes glowing faintly. They like glowing eyes in this show.
00;08;33;05 - 00;08;36;24
Taylor
Yeah. I mean, that must be like a thing about the world. You know, it's.
00;08;36;24 - 00;08;40;12
Narrator
Kind of “Dune”-like they've all because of all the, spice they've been taking. Yeah.
00;08;40;13 - 00;08;57;07
Taylor
I wonder, I might honestly like I wonder, do you think that that is like, the AI ripping it off, you know, like, I mean, it could literally be like, it's just like, oh, you want a desert adventure? Here, let me rip from in the greatest desert adventure of all time. Yeah, you never know. So, Or it could just be, you know, like, something in the water, I guess.
00;08;57;07 - 00;09;02;29
Taylor
Or maybe it's just, you know, we're seeing that through the eyes of Archibald, who is definitely got the hots for Suru. Love at first sight, you know.
00;09;02;29 - 00;09;18;01
Narrator
Oh, yeah. Madam Suru. I love that you're flirting with yourself as well. Madden Suru sits at a round table, her face obscured by a sheer veil, eyes glowing faintly. Her age is impossible to determine. She looks both youthful and ancient.
00;09;18;03 - 00;09;27;06
Madame Suru
An inventor who sees too much a night, who believes too little and his shadow cat running from the truth. How quaint.
00;09;27;09 - 00;09;30;10
Taylor
She knows us already. Marvelous!
00;09;30;12 - 00;09;32;08
Narrator
Yeah, creepy more like.
00;09;32;08 - 00;09;39;15
Narrator
We seek answers, oracle. The god Setekh stirs. What do you know of his plans?
00;09;39;23 - 00;09;44;24
Narrator
Madden Suru laughs softly like bells in the wind.
00;09;44;26 - 00;09;49;09
Zahira
That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
00;09;49;09 - 00;09;51;22
Zahira
She gestures to the seats around the table.
00;09;51;24 - 00;09;56;10
Madame Suru
Sit. If you want the truth, you must risk knowing too much.
00;09;56;13 - 00;10;00;19
Narrator
They sit reluctantly. Zahira lingers nervously near the door.
00;10;00;21 - 00;10;23;26
Madame Suru
Setekh, devourer of Rhodes, is not a god as you understand gods, he is older than this world, a traveler between worlds who has forgotten how to travel. The pyramid you destroyed was a key, but there are others scattered beneath the sands.
00;10;23;29 - 00;10;31;03
Black Cat
Gateways... So these pyramids aren't tombs. They're doors between reality?
00;10;31;05 - 00;10;40;21
Madame Suru
Doors that must never open. Setekh wishes to travel again, and in doing so, he will tear this world apart.
00;10;40;23 - 00;10;49;03
Puds
Oh, great. Yeah, world destruction. Just what we needed. Got any more good news?
00;10;49;06 - 00;11;04;15
Madame Suru
Yes. General Hekau seeks Setekh power for himself. He thinks he can control the uncontrollable. If he finds the last pyramid hidden beneath the temple of the moon, the world will burn twice over.
00;11;04;17 - 00;11;07;20
Zahira
Well, then we must stop him!
00;11;07;23 - 00;11;10;24
Madame Suru
Or join him in oblivion...
00;11;10;26 - 00;11;16;29
Narrator
Suddenly, Madame Sue's eyes glow bright white. She gasped sharply.
00;11;17;01 - 00;11;31;21
Madame Suru
Beware the marked girl! For on her skin is the map to the last pyramid. But blood will follow if you seek it. Blood and betrayal!
00;11;31;25 - 00;11;36;03
Narrator
Zahira. His eyes widen in fear. She steps back, hands shaking.
00;11;36;05 - 00;11;38;23
Puds
No, no, you weren't supposed to--
00;11;38;29 - 00;11;43;27
Puds
Madame Suru collapses, breathing heavily. The room falls into silence.
00;11;44;00 - 00;11;47;19
Black Cat
000.
00;11;47;21 - 00;11;51;16
Taylor
Zahira, is she talking about you?
00;11;51;18 - 00;11;59;00
Puds
I did not know. My father tattoo’d me when I was a child. He said it was protection. I never knew what it meant.
00;11;59;03 - 00;12;01;16
Puds
It means you just became a walking target.
00;12;01;23 - 00;12;08;08
Narrator
Suddenly shouting and clanging metal rock from outside. The sounds of heavy boots marching closer fill the street.
00;12;08;15 - 00;12;11;12
Black Cat
We found... Hekau’s Guards!
00;12;11;19 - 00;12;12;17
Black Cat
Time to go!
00;12;12;20 - 00;12;17;07
Madame Suru
Run fast, travelers. Destiny waits for no one.
00;12;17;10 - 00;12;21;19
Narrator
The heroes burst out of the back door, disappearing into the night.
00;12;21;22 - 00;12;53;01
Alex
Choices! Option A: Hide in Zahira’s secret hideout where she reveals more about her past, but the guards are hunting door to door. Option B: Escape through the underground tunnels beneath Khefir-Rah where smugglers lurk, but these tunnels hide deadly traps. Option C: Seek refuge in a gladiatorial arena run by an old acquaintance of Archibald's, but they're forced to fight to prove themselves.
00;12;53;03 - 00;12;56;12
Alex
Choose wisely.
00;12;56;15 - 00;12;57;15
Narrator
The tropes are phenomenal.
00;12;57;22 - 00;13;04;28
Taylor
I've got an idea. I think I might run back inside and try and pick up Madame Suru. Kind of thinking about going rogue here.
00;13;05;00 - 00;13;13;23
Narrator
So. So we choose option. Is it? Okay? But but then you say we choose option B or C, but before that happens, Archie runs back in to get a number.
00;13;13;29 - 00;13;15;07
Taylor
That's what I'm kind of thinking. Yeah.
00;13;15;08 - 00;13;37;18
Narrator
Okay. Yeah. Do we think tunnels? Gladiatorial arena always feels like I know what that story is going to be? It doesn't mean I do, but I kind of. You kind of know it's like it's been done in Marvel. It's been done in Gladiator has been done. You know, you kind of, I don't know. I always think you sort of know what it is they step into. There's cheering this chanting. There's a big fat guy, there is an announcer and they just had a fight someone.
00;13;37;18 - 00;13;42;13
Taylor
The just had a big battle scene with the hand too just like a little while ago in the last episode.
00;13;42;15 - 00;13;44;23
Narrator
We're still on the run, aren't we? We're still short of like--
00;13;45;00 - 00;13;57;15
Taylor
Yeah, I'm thinking. I'm thinking B is more interesting than Zahira’s Secret Hideout. So we'll choose option B, but first, what is he going to get from her? We're not living in a world we can get our number. And he knows her address. He's there.
00;13;57;16 - 00;14;01;17
Narrator
He's got to shoot his shot with Madame Suru as he took a fancy.
00;14;01;19 - 00;14;02;08
Narrator
There we go.
00;14;02;09 - 00;14;04;17
Narrator
Outside Hekau’s Guards shout commands.
00;14;04;21 - 00;14;07;10
Alex
I know they're around here somewhere!
00;14;07;12 - 00;14;16;18
Narrator
Puds, Zahira and the black cat already moved toward the back door, but Archibald lingers, stealing glances at Madame Suu, who sits weakly at the table.
00;14;16;22 - 00;14;20;03
Taylor
Wait, wait, wait, you go ahead. I'll catch up.
00;14;20;05 - 00;14;23;04
Puds
Archie, this is not the time for one of your--
00;14;23;04 - 00;14;28;01
Taylor
Please, Puds. Trust me. I'll be right behind you.
00;14;28;04 - 00;14;29;19
Puds
Oh for God's sake.
00;14;29;22 - 00;14;41;00
Narrator
Puds groans loudly, but nods, ushering the others out. The door slams shut, leaving Archibald alone with Madame Suru. Archibald approaches her awkwardly smoothing his messy hair.
00;14;42;08 - 00;14;51;27
Taylor
Madame Suru I, I know this might not be the ideal moment. What would the world about to end it all? But...
00;14;51;27 - 00;14;53;22
Black Cat
But?
00;14;53;24 - 00;15;13;25
Taylor
But but but I, I find myself, strangely, strangely enchanted by you. Your wisdom, your mystery, your admittedly unsettling prophecies. I would never forgive myself if I didn't know I can't. But I must. Shoot my shot, as it were.
00;15;13;27 - 00;15;16;22
Taylor
Shoot my shot, as it were.
00;15;16;22 - 00;15;20;18
Narrator
She stares at him silently for a moment, eyes unreadable.
00;15;20;20 - 00;15;34;24
Taylor
But perhaps when this madness is is all over, if it ever is, you and I could share an evening beneath the stars. Wine stories, forbidden knowledge. You know the usual.
00;15;35;00 - 00;15;39;26
Narrator
Madame Suru laughs softly, eyes twinkling.
00;15;39;28 - 00;15;43;00
Black Cat
You're a fool, Archibald Mortimer Rigsby III.
00;15;43;02 - 00;15;47;14
Taylor
I prefer a hopeless romantic, but, fool will do.
00;15;47;17 - 00;15;57;14
Black Cat
Well, perhaps I, too am foolish. If we survive this... Yes. I would enjoy an evening beneath the stars with you.
00;15;57;17 - 00;16;00;16
Black Cat
Truly you. You mean it?
00;16;00;19 - 00;16;04;09
Black Cat
Yes. But now go. Destiny calls.
00;16;04;16 - 00;16;10;21
Narrator
Archibald takes her hand, planting a dramatic, awkward kiss.
00;16;10;24 - 00;16;12;16
Black Cat
Until then, my lady...
00;16;12;18 - 00;16;17;18
Black Cat
Go, fool! Wonderful fool!
00;16;17;20 - 00;16;21;05
Zahira
Dashing, handsome fool--
00;16;22;07 - 00;16;31;17
Narrator
It's like a teenager's concept of how romance works. It's like you just met someone and immediately you're just like, “Would you like a night under the stars?” Good Lord.
00;16;31;19 - 00;16;41;23
Narrator
Archibald races out of the back door, heart pounding, Puds, Zahira and the black cat wait anxiously as Archibald runs up, breathless and smiling foolishly.
00;16;41;24 - 00;16;45;28
Puds
You done romancing your psychic crush? Can we escape now?
00;16;46;02 - 00;16;53;02
Taylor
Oh, it was worth it. Puds. Love has no schedule. Now Zahira those tunnels you mentioned-- Lead the way!
00;16;53;04 - 00;17;30;18
Puds
This way. Hurry!
00;17;30;21 - 00;17;42;08
Narrator
The group descends into dimly lit, twisting tunnels beneath Khefer-Rah. The air is thick, damp, and echoes with distant drips and whispers. Smuggler markings and crude lanterns line the walls.
00;17;42;08 - 00;17;46;21
Puds
Be careful. Smugglers built these tunnels and they don't like strangers.
00;17;46;21 - 00;17;50;06
Puds
Yeah. Perfect. More people who want to kill us.
00;17;50;09 - 00;17;52;20
Taylor
At least I'll die a happy man.
00;17;52;25 - 00;17;54;07
Black Cat
That makes one of us.
00;17;54;14 - 00;17;58;00
Narrator
Suddenly a click. Zahira freezes mid step.
00;17;58;00 - 00;17;58;21
Puds
Don't move.
00;17;58;26 - 00;17;59;10
Puds
Why?
00;17;59;17 - 00;18;03;27
Puds
I just stepped on a pressure plate. Move carefully. This place is full of traps.
00;18;03;27 - 00;18;05;11
Puds
Yeah, of course it is.
00;18;05;11 - 00;18;09;04
Narrator
Slowly they inch forward. Another click.
00;18;09;06 - 00;18;10;27
Black Cat
I might have stepped on one too.
00;18;10;28 - 00;18;13;19
Puds
Great. Anyone else want to step on one?
00;18;13;19 - 00;18;21;01
Narrator
A loud grinding noise echoes through the tunnel. Stone slabs begin lowering, sealing off sections of the path behind them.
00;18;21;03 - 00;18;23;11
Black Cat
Run now!
00;18;23;13 - 00;18;28;13
Narrator
The group sprints forward, dodging darts that shoot from the walls. A pit opens up ahead.
00;18;28;13 - 00;18;29;01
Alex
Jump!
00;18;29;09 - 00;18;35;19
Narrator
They leap across, barely making it. Puds stumbles, but grabs onto Archibald's coat, dangling above the pit.
00;18;35;21 - 00;18;37;21
Black Cat
F*****g hell pull me up, damn it!
00;18;37;21 - 00;18;41;12
Black Cat
Oh I got to you, spiky bastard!
00;18;41;15 - 00;18;51;28
Narrator
Archibald yanks him up. They collapse, panting. A group of rough looking smugglers suddenly surround them. Blades drew on their leader, Raji, a scarred, imposing woman steps forward.
00;18;52;01 - 00;18;57;18
Puds
Well, we’re lost are we? Probably looking to steal our tunnels.
00;18;57;18 - 00;19;03;00
Puds
Raji, it's Zahira. They're with me. We're not enemies. We're running from Hekau’s Guards!
00;19;03;03 - 00;19;08;27
Puds
Aren't we all? What’s your offer girl? Why shouldn't we feed you to the crocodiles?
00;19;08;27 - 00;19;15;13
Taylor
Because we can help each other. We know Hekau’s secrets. We know about Setekh. We intend to stop him.
00;19;15;17 - 00;19;19;07
Puds
Interesting, but prove beyond worth my trouble.
00;19;19;07 - 00;19;49;01
Alex
Choices! Raj's Test. Option A: Raji demands the group help her steal valuable cargo from Hekau’s personal armory. Option B: They must navigate a deadly maze of traps to retrieve a relic Raji lost to Setekh’s cult. Option C: Puds must duel Raji’s best fighter in combat to earn her trust. Choose wisely!
00;19;49;03 - 00;20;15;12
Taylor
Lovely little reminder to put an advertisement here.
00;20;15;14 - 00;20;25;16
Taylor
And we're back with The Big Quest Ion, we've got three options for which way we could go. We could either steal something from Hekau’s personal armory, navigate a maze of traps, and get a relic or trial by combat.
00;20;25;18 - 00;20;44;01
Narrator
My immediate response is that option A it. It kind of creates a continuation of a larger story, because they could also be freedom fighters. So they're not just like smugglers. They're not just bad guys. Like they're potentially trying to pick out the general. So they're trying to steal cargo rather than it being like a treasure or something. Yeah, yeah.
00;20;44;03 - 00;20;54;03
Narrator
The resistance and then, but then I kind of want Puds to have a scrap. So you're kind of like, right. It's like you choose a but before A happens, Puds says, I want to I'm just going to try and scrap one.
00;20;54;05 - 00;21;16;17
Taylor
Yes. And here's where we're going to draw from: Count of Monte Cristo when the count fights Sitara on the beach after escaping from the Chateau D’If. Yeah. And then Sitara becomes his manservant for life. Yeah. That's okay. This is what that is. This is what that is, okay? Yeah. And. Yeah. And, Okay. So definitely C and then A.
00;21;16;20 - 00;21;25;29
Narrator
Raji eyes Puds, Archibald, Zahira and the black cat with suspicion, arms crossed tightly, the group stands tense, surrounded by smugglers who look ready for a fight.
00;21;26;06 - 00;21;37;04
Puds
You say you're running from Hekau. Big deal. So it's half this damn city. Why don't you give me one reason why I shouldn't hand you over to him myself for a reward?
00;21;37;06 - 00;21;45;07
Taylor
Well, because we know what he's really after, Setekh. And we're here to stop him before he destroys everything, including your business.
00;21;45;15 - 00;21;50;23
Puds
And I'm supposed to believe a madman, a street brat, a talking cat, and a runt with quills?
00;21;50;23 - 00;21;54;28
Puds
Watch itt, lady, this runt just kicked a gods ass so don't tempt me.
00;21;54;28 - 00;22;07;11
Puds
Big words, but I don't trust words, I trust strength. Here's the deal. Prove your strength. Win in a duel against my best fighter. And maybe I'll believe you're more than just talk.
00;22;07;14 - 00;22;10;09
Taylor
Surely there's a more civilized way.
00;22;10;13 - 00;22;14;15
Black Cat
Nah, let's do it. I haven't beat anyone ass all day.
00;22;14;20 - 00;22;16;23
Narrator
Raji grins, intrigued.
00;22;16;25 - 00;22;22;10
Puds
Perfect to the arena.
00;22;22;12 - 00;22;44;07
Narrator
The crowd cheers wildly as that led to the makeshift fighting ring, a rugged stone chamber lit by torches and filled with cheering, rough looking smugglers who gather around a makeshift arena. Raji, their scarred leader, stands beside Archibald, Zahira and the black cat, arms crossed confidently in the center of the circle. Puds stands, flexing his small muscles impatiently.
00;22;44;10 - 00;22;53;22
Puds
All right, scum, let's see if these outsiders deserve our respect or just a shallow grave. Bring forth our champion!
00;22;53;25 - 00;23;05;16
Narrator
The crowd cheers wildly as a towering figure steps forward. Khor a muscular brute of a man covered in tattoos, scars and an arrogant smirk. He's twice puts current height.
00;23;05;18 - 00;23;10;02
Narrator
That means he's only a foot tall. Two foot tall. Whatever. Oh. Change that.
00;23;10;02 - 00;23;22;19
Narrator
Khor a muscular brute of a man covered in tattoos, scars and arrogant smirk. Compared to Puds he's enormous and swings a hefty bronze ax effortlessly.
00;23;22;22 - 00;23;27;10
Black Cat
This? This is your “champion,” Raji?
00;23;27;13 - 00;23;29;14
Zahira
Golem is in this?
00;23;29;17 - 00;23;33;05
Black Cat
I’ve eaten bigger meals than this spikey little runt.
00;23;33;09 - 00;23;40;05
Zahira
I was not expecting Gollum in the form of Khor. Jesus.
00;23;40;07 - 00;23;44;25
Black Cat
I’ve eaten bigger meals than this spikey little runt.
00;23;44;28 - 00;23;49;29
Puds
Oh, yeah. Maybe he should eat less, big guy. You're looking a bit slow around the edges.
00;23;49;29 - 00;23;54;05
Narrator
Crowd laughs. Khor snarls, eyes narrowing.
00;23;54;08 - 00;24;00;03
Black Cat
Cocky for something I could crush under my boot, you’re barely a snack.
00;24;00;08 - 00;24;04;17
Puds
Keep talking, “Muscles for Brains.” I'll need motivation to kick your oversize ass.
00;24;04;20 - 00;24;06;02
Narrator
Raji steps forward.
00;24;06;05 - 00;24;12;27
Puds
Fight until one yields or can continue. No killing. That'd be bad for business. Got it?
00;24;13;00 - 00;24;16;12
Black Cat
Don’t worry I’ll only HALF kill him...
00;24;16;15 - 00;24;21;17
Puds
Careful, big guy. You might just trip on your own ego, you fat ****. Just why not--
00;24;21;24 - 00;24;32;28
Narrator
Raji steps back. She waves a hand. Begin! Khor charges immediately swinging the heavy ax downward Puds dart aside narrowly dodging
00;24;33;00 - 00;24;37;16
Narrator
That all you got? My grandmother moves faster than you as she's been dead for years.
00;24;37;19 - 00;24;41;26
Black Cat
Ohhh, stand still you prickly rat!
00;24;42;00 - 00;24;46;07
Narrator
He swings again, smashing stone Puds dodges easily, grinning wider.
00;24;46;08 - 00;24;50;21
Puds
What’s the matter, those big muscles just for show? Oh, can you actually hit something?
00;24;50;21 - 00;24;58;05
Narrator
Khor snarls, launching forward with a kick. Push sidesteps, grabs Khor’s leg and twists hard. Khor crashes heavily to the ground
00;24;58;07 - 00;25;02;12
Narrator
Down already? I was hoping you'd at least try and make this fun.
00;25;02;14 - 00;25;05;20
Black Cat
I’m going to wear your quills as a hat.
00;25;05;23 - 00;25;08;08
Puds
Careful. Or I'll use an ax as a toothpick.
00;25;08;08 - 00;25;14;21
Narrator
Khor lunges grabbing Puds by the arm, throwing him hard into the wall. Puds growls, shaking off rubble.
00;25;14;23 - 00;25;20;23
Black Cat
Hehehe... What's wrong, little knight? You've lost your tough talk.
00;25;20;25 - 00;25;24;19
Black Cat
Oh, now you've done it...
00;25;24;19 - 00;25;30;19
Narrator
Puds start swelling. Expanding to his four foot muscle bound form. Khor eyes widen.
00;25;30;20 - 00;25;31;26
Alex
Oh, God.
00;25;31;27 - 00;25;34;05
Black Cat
--Hedgehog Swear--
00;25;34;08 - 00;25;37;07
Alex
You're about to regret ever being born!
00;25;37;09 - 00;25;42;12
Black Cat
Neat little trick. But you’re still too small to scare ME.
00;25;42;15 - 00;25;50;10
Narrator
They clash fiercely, exchanging punches. Puds catches Khor’s arm flips him over and pins him to the ground. Khor struggles growling.
00;25;50;10 - 00;25;52;20
Alex
Give up, you overgrown sack of maneur.
00;25;52;22 - 00;25;58;23
Black Cat
Never. I will never yield to a runt like you.
00;25;58;24 - 00;26;02;18
Black Cat
Fine. Say goodbye to your dignity.
00;26;02;23 - 00;26;06;09
Black Cat
Puds twists Khor arm painfully. Core screams.
00;26;06;11 - 00;26;08;17
Zahira
---SCREAM---
00;26;08;17 - 00;26;14;04
Black Cat
Ok! Ok! I yield!
00;26;14;04 - 00;26;21;18
Narrator
Puds releases him. Standing triumphant. The Smugglers erupt in cheers and laughter. Raji nods. Impressed.
00;26;21;20 - 00;26;27;12
Puds
Not bad, not bad. You've earned a little bit of respect around here, Hedgehog
00;26;27;17 - 00;26;30;18
Puds
Maybe next time, said somebody who ain’t all talk.
00;26;30;21 - 00;26;34;14
Narrator
Khor slinks away, humiliated. I hope he never turns up again.
00;26;34;17 - 00;26;37;07
Zahira
Right. Oh.
00;26;37;08 - 00;26;40;00
Taylor
I think Khor might be coming with honestly.
00;26;40;03 - 00;26;40;14
Zahira
This is what.
00;26;40;14 - 00;26;52;24
Narrator
This was who you were imagining coming with because that's where Gollum came from. Like this unwanted companion is necessary to the story. Yes. Interior. Smuggler's den. Moments later, Raji approaches the group, smiling slightly.
00;26;52;29 - 00;27;01;09
Puds
You pass the test, but respect ain't free. You want our help against Hekau? Prove your loyalty. Do a job for us.
00;27;01;11 - 00;27;02;10
Puds
Name it.
00;27;02;12 - 00;27;11;22
Puds
Hekau’s personal armory holds something valuable a shipment of rare weapons meant for his elite guards. We want it. You will steal it.
00;27;11;28 - 00;27;15;27
Puds
First a duel, now theft. Do we look like thieves?
00;27;16;02 - 00;27;17;21
Black Cat
Well, yes.
00;27;17;28 - 00;27;20;25
Taylor
It's not stealing if it's for a noble cause. Right?
00;27;20;25 - 00;27;25;25
Puds
Well Hekau’s armory is heavily guarded. But I know a secret way in if you trust me.
00;27;25;26 - 00;27;29;14
Puds
Kid at this point, trust is about all we got left.
00;27;29;17 - 00;27;33;08
Taylor
Then it's settled. We'll steal the weapons and earn our allies.
00;27;33;11 - 00;27;41;09
Zahira
Good. Do this and we'll help you fight Hekau and his cult. But fail and we never met. Understand?
00;27;41;11 - 00;27;42;10
Taylor
Understood.
00;27;42;14 - 00;27;46;00
Narrator
They prepare to leave, heading toward their next dangerous mission.
00;27;46;02 - 00;28;15;10
Narrator
Choices! Infiltrating the armory. Option A: They use Zahira’s secret tunnel, but encounter Hekau’s best guards inside, forcing a stealthy battle. Option B: Archibald attempts to use a crazy new invention to distract the guards, but it malfunctions, making things worse. Option C: The Black Cat summons a mysterious power causing chaos inside, but it drains the cat's strength severely. Choose wisely.
00;28;15;12 - 00;28;32;04
Taylor
Option D: Archibald suddenly has felt the crush of love come over him and realizes that he just he can't leave without, trying to shoot that shot with Raji You know what I mean?
00;28;32;07 - 00;28;32;16
Zahira
Hahaha
00;28;32;17 - 00;28;40;12
Narrator
Raji’s coming back. I think once they're allies, that's when we implement it. You have it be like once they've done the job.
00;28;40;12 - 00;28;44;11
Taylor
Can’t keep Archibald down, you know?
00;28;44;14 - 00;28;52;18
Zahira
Just literally horn dogging the entire way through the adventure. Any any female turns up and you're like “so what's up?”
00;28;52;21 - 00;28;58;12
Taylor
Well, I guess we'll just have to find out. After a quick word from today's sponsors.
00;28;58;14 - 00;30;00;09
Black Cat
Oh, hey... HEY everybody it’s Khor. I just figured I would take this opportunity to see if anybody was interested in buying a large pile of human scrolls and bones that I've been collecting? I was gonna turn them into a necklace, but you know how it goes you get excited about a new hobbie and and then you buy all the stuff for it and then you know life get’s in the way. So anyway. Having no luck on Facebook Marketplace. If anybody’s in the market for a big pile of human skulls and bones feel free to reach out to Khor, my contact information is listed in the show notes of this podcast. Enjoy the rest of the show everybody!
00;30;00;11 - 00;30;12;26
Taylor
All right, back at it again with The Big Quest Ion, we've got three options that we can choose from for how to proceed with this journey. We've got a secret tunnel. We've got a crazy new invention or some black cat magic.
00;30;12;29 - 00;30;35;28
Narrator
What's clear here is each option is focusing on each character's specific thing. So you've got Archie the Cat and Zahira. The cat we haven't really learned an awful lot about. Archie, I'm always down to explore more of his ingenuity and that kind of potentially offers some outlandish back end. And we have just had a scrap, so I don't necessarily need A.
00;30;36;00 - 00;30;51;08
Taylor
Yeah, I know it's weird because like, on one hand, I'm like, Zahira would be kind of fun just being stealthy. But I also feel as though, I don't know, like the the other ones, the other options kind of feel like I'm not sure where they're going to take us, I guess.
00;30;51;11 - 00;30;58;24
Narrator
I suppose with A there's no reason why this stealthy battle doesn't involve Archie's ingenuity and the cat’s... I suppose it kind of maybe encompasses everything.
00;30;58;28 - 00;31;10;15
Taylor
Maybe. Yeah. I feel like, you know, maybe just the mysterious power, I guess, is the one that's kind of like... Like we don't really know much about the cat, so there's some thread to pull there with, like what the cat can do, I suppose from what I remember.
00;31;10;15 - 00;31;32;11
Narrator
You know, before you infiltrate something like this, you would make a plan, right? And in that plan, it's going to potentially incorporate the powers of each person, their capabilities. So we could potentially say like “we choose A, but before they infiltrate Hekau’s armory, they need to come up with a plan for how they're going to do it. ”
00;31;32;13 - 00;31;50;03
Narrator
Interior smuggler's den secret back room night. A small, dimly lit chamber with maps, daggers and old scrolls scattered across a worn wooden table. Puds, Archibald, Zahira the black cat, and Raji stand around it, planning intensely. Raji points to a crude map of General Hekau’s fortress.
00;31;50;06 - 00;32;00;15
Puds
Hekau’s armory is here. Deep inside the fortress, behind heavy iron doors and guarded by his best men. They'll slit your throat before you see the blades coming.
00;32;00;20 - 00;32;05;00
Taylor
Sounds like a challenge. Where's the fun in stealing if it's too easy?
00;32;05;03 - 00;32;08;29
Puds
The fun is in not dying, genius. We need a real plan.
00;32;09;01 - 00;32;11;13
Narrator
Zahira steps forward, tapping her finger on the map.
00;32;11;18 - 00;32;19;13
Puds
Wait, I know a way. Smugglers tunnels run beneath Hekau’s compound. I used them to escape once, we can sneak inside without being seen.
00;32;19;15 - 00;32;25;22
Puds
The kid's right. But there's a catch. The tunnels lead right under the armory. And there's a problem.
00;32;25;27 - 00;32;28;13
Black Cat
There's always a problem. What is it this time?
00;32;28;13 - 00;32;39;12
Puds
Hekau is paranoid. He rigged the lower levels with traps and his elite guards. Sneaking in is one thing, but getting out alive with the weapons, that's another.
00;32;39;17 - 00;32;44;24
Taylor
Puds and I specialize in last minute escapes and spectacular near-death experiences.
00;32;45;01 - 00;32;46;14
Puds
Yeah, it's a gift.
00;32;46;18 - 00;32;52;12
Puds
We’ll need to move quickly and quietly. No room for mistakes. One false step and we're dead.
00;32;52;19 - 00;32;54;10
Puds
Yeah. Then don't step falsely.
00;32;54;16 - 00;32;57;02
Puds
Wise advice. Any backup plans?
00;32;57;06 - 00;33;08;29
Taylor
Well, what if we set a distraction? Once inside, I could rig a small explosive or smoke like a like a loud noise machine. Maybe it's like a big walking wooden doll--
00;33;09;02 - 00;33;11;09
Puds
Archie, you sound mental mate.
00;33;11;11 - 00;33;14;21
Taylor
Let's let's go explosive. Explosive device. You know something that explodes?
00;33;14;24 - 00;33;24;22
Taylor
Good. Get in, get out, bring me the weapons. You do that, and we'll stand by you when the real fight comes.
00;33;24;24 - 00;33;42;20
Narrator
Zahira carefully leads, Puds Archibald and the black cat through a damp, narrow passage. The stone walls drip with moisture and distant echoes of guards voices resonates above. Archibald adjusts his belt, lined with small, questionable explosive devices. He looks overly eager.
00;33;42;22 - 00;33;53;18
Black Cat
Okay, just so we're clear, the red vials explode violently, the green ones create a thick smoke, and the blue... Well, I'm actually I'm actually not really sure what those do yet.
00;33;53;18 - 00;33;56;09
Puds
Just try not to blow us up, Archie.
00;33;56;10 - 00;34;04;03
Taylor
Trust me, I've perfected my methods. I know it doesn't seem like it. I know, I know, I know what I just said before I make it sound like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but trust me.
00;34;04;03 - 00;34;05;12
Alex
Just trust me.
00;34;05;14 - 00;34;06;07
Puds
It's just. It's just me.
00;34;06;09 - 00;34;08;04
Taylor
Trust me. I've perfected my methods.
00;34;08;04 - 00;34;10;09
Narrator
Coming from the guy with no eyebrows.
00;34;10;11 - 00;34;14;07
Narrator
Zahira stops abruptly, pointing upwards to a rusted metal hatch above them.
00;34;14;07 - 00;34;19;16
Puds
Here it is. This opens into the lower armory, but the place is crawling with Hekau’s best guards.
00;34;19;17 - 00;34;21;28
Black Cat
Great. How many guards are we talking?
00;34;21;28 - 00;34;24;25
Puds
Enough that fighting them head on isn't an option.
00;34;24;25 - 00;34;28;27
Puds
Fine. We'll just have Archie blow them up quietly, then.
00;34;29;00 - 00;34;32;02
Taylor
Stealth explosions. My specialty.
00;34;32;08 - 00;34;44;21
Narrator
Archibald, carefully pushes the hatch open, revealing a dimly lit armory filled with racks of polished weapons and stacks of heavy crates. Several elite guards patrol silently, Archibald pulls an all green vile, grinning mischievously.
00;34;44;24 - 00;34;47;29
Black Cat
Watch and learn. SMOKE BOMB TIME.
00;34;47;29 - 00;34;54;26
Narrator
He tosses the vial into the room. It shatters, releasing a thick cloud of green smoke. Guards cough and shout, blinded.
00;34;55;01 - 00;34;57;08
Narrator
Intruders! Alert!
00;34;57;10 - 00;34;58;16
Narrator
So much for quiet!
00;34;58;21 - 00;35;03;20
Narrator
They quickly scramble into the armory, ducking behind crates. Guards stumble blindly around them.
00;35;03;20 - 00;35;05;18
Taylor
That's what I call a perfect entry.
00;35;05;24 - 00;35;09;07
Black Cat
Now grab the weapons and let's go.
00;35;09;09 - 00;35;22;01
Narrator
They begin stuffing blades, spears and crossbows into sacks. Suddenly, heavy footsteps approach as the smoke clears. The elite guard captain is huge, menacing and armored. He steps forward, drawing a massive curved sword.
00;35;22;01 - 00;35;25;25
Alex
Theives! You will die for this.
00;35;25;27 - 00;35;29;05
Alex
Archie! Archie! Now might be a good time to use one of those red ones!
00;35;29;07 - 00;35;30;26
Taylor
I thought you'd never ask.
00;35;31;00 - 00;35;40;29
Narrator
Archibald flings a red vial. It hits a rack of weapons and... An explosion sends guards flying, weapons scattering everywhere. The armory shakes violently.
00;35;41;01 - 00;35;42;17
Puds
The whole fortress heard that!
00;35;42;21 - 00;35;45;18
Taylor
I mean, it is a little louder than anticipated.
00;35;45;21 - 00;35;47;21
Alex
Just grab what we can and run.
00;35;47;21 - 00;35;53;07
Narrator
More guards storm into the room. Archibald quickly grabs a blue vial, hesitating.
00;35;53;09 - 00;35;55;18
Black Cat
Well, here goes nothing.
00;35;55;26 - 00;36;08;04
Narrator
He hurls the blue vial. It hits the ground, shattering, then begins glowing brightly. Suddenly, time seems to slow down around the vial. The guards freeze, mid step stuck and a strange blue field.
00;36;09;14 - 00;36;11;16
Taylor
So that's what the blue one does.
00;36;11;19 - 00;36;13;20
Zahira
Did you just freeze time?
00;36;13;26 - 00;36;16;20
Zahira
Apparently. Apparently, yeah.
00;36;16;23 - 00;36;30;03
Taylor
I think even our characters are shocked at this. I mean. Even if magic is a thing in this world, I unwittingly made a time traveling potion. I feel like that's something we're gonna have to unpack a little bit later in the debrief.
00;36;30;03 - 00;36;36;29
Zahira
Archy I think we need to have a little chat about something because, I don't know if I feel comfortable with you and your experiments anymore.
00;36;37;03 - 00;36;50;12
Taylor
Yeah, I don't know. I did ayahuasca the other night, and I just, you know, you know me when I get on ayahuasca, like, I start messing around with my potions and just... You never know what's going to happen. I mean, one time I blew my dick off.
00;36;50;14 - 00;37;11;02
Alex
But luckily, I had a yellow vial, and that cured it. Grew back again. The yellow ones are specifically designed to grow dicks back. I mean, thank God I had one. I always carried one around, just in case. You never know! You never know when you're gonna blow your own dick off.
00;37;14;13 - 00;37;16;28
Zahira
Oh my God. All right, so we just froze time.
00;37;16;28 - 00;37;17;27
Taylor
Yeah.
00;37;18;00 - 00;37;20;18
Puds
Archie, did you just freeze time?
00;37;20;18 - 00;37;21;09
Black Cat
Apparently.
00;37;21;15 - 00;37;23;02
Black Cat
Then let's not waste it.
00;37;23;05 - 00;37;32;29
Narrator
They sprint out of the armory, sacks filled with stolen weapons, escaping down the tunnels. Running hard the sound of shouting fades behind them. They pause, panting heavily.
00;37;33;04 - 00;37;36;23
Puds
I, I can't believe that actually worked.
00;37;36;28 - 00;37;39;21
Taylor
I told you, my inventions always come through.
00;37;39;23 - 00;37;45;21
Puds
Yeah, by nearly blowing this up or freezing us in time. You're dangerous.
00;37;45;27 - 00;37;47;28
Taylor
That's what makes it fun, my little prickly friend.
00;37;48;00 - 00;37;52;09
Black Cat
Now we have Raji’s trust. Let's hope these weapons were worth it.
00;37;52;09 - 00;37;56;27
Narrator
They quickly continue down the tunnels, victorious but wary of the battle's yet to come.
00;37;56;27 - 00;38;27;15
Alex
Choices! The return to Raji. Option A: Return safely and plan an attack against Hekau, using the smugglers as allies. Option B: On the way back, they're ambushed by Hekau’s furious guards and must fight their way out. Option C: Discover a hidden chamber in the tunnels containing vital information about Setekh’s next move. Choose wisely!
00;38;27;17 - 00;39;05;06
Taylor
Hey, everybody. Archibald here selling you my patented yellow vials. Are you worried you're gonna accidentally blow your own dick off? Or even worse, you've already blown your own dick off? Well, then I’ve got great news for you. Purchase Archibald's patented yellow vials. Guaranteed to grow your dick back in five inches or less-- FIVE MINUTES. Five minutes or less. Archibald’s Yellow Vials. They'll do the trick when you blow off your dick.
00;39;05;09 - 00;39;32;04
Taylor
All right, we're back with The Big Quest Ion, we got three options here. Option A return to Raji safely. Option B return unsafely, and option C, some random third thing. You know, it's funny that they did option B, because I was kind of thinking this would be the perfect moment to return back to like, a massacre where, like, all of the smugglers except for Khor are dead, and he's like the one they left behind to tell the tale.
00;39;32;06 - 00;39;36;12
Zahira
Khor. Bloody Khor. Oh, God. Oh, no, oh, no.
00;39;36;15 - 00;39;43;21
Taylor
But now they have all these weapons, you know, and so they have to use the weapons that they've stolen and everything. So I'm kind of thinking that's all we do.
00;39;43;22 - 00;39;45;14
Narrator
Yeah. Option B with guidance then.
00;39;45;14 - 00;40;06;28
Taylor
All right. So yeah. So we're kind of going to make a little update to this. So instead of just option B we're going to have them return to the smugglers den and find out that Hekau’s guards have actually massacred all of the smugglers, leaving only Khor alive. And Archibald, he's going to be f*****g devastated that he didn't get to shoot his shot with Raji.
00;40;07;00 - 00;40;07;24
Narrator
Outrageous.
00;40;07;28 - 00;40;11;27
Taylor
And we'll see where it goes.
00;40;11;29 - 00;40;25;11
Narrator
Puds, Archibald, Zahira and the black Cat hurry back through the damp tunnels. Sacks filled with stolen weapons. They're exhausted but triumphant, laughing lightly until they hear sounds of screaming echo through the tunnels ahead.
00;40;25;13 - 00;40;26;22
Puds
That does not sound good.
00;40;26;25 - 00;40;28;22
Puds
That's coming from the den. Hurry!
00;40;28;22 - 00;40;45;27
Narrator
They break into a run. Heart's pounding. They burst into the smugglers den and freeze. The den is a massacre. Bodies of smugglers lies scattered everywhere, slain brutally. The room is dark, silent, heavy with the scent of death. General Hekau’s guards have already vanished, leaving only ruin.
00;40;46;00 - 00;40;49;03
Taylor
Oh, gods, what happened here?
00;40;49;08 - 00;40;51;15
Narrator
Zahira drops to her knees, shaking.
00;40;51;18 - 00;40;54;26
Puds
Raji... everyone! They're gone.
00;40;54;29 - 00;40;59;22
Puds
This was Hekau’s revenge. He knew we were here. He made him pay.
00;40;59;24 - 00;41;07;17
Narrator
A weak groan echoes from the corner. They rush over, finding Khor bloodied but alive, leaning against the wall, gripping his ax.
00;41;07;20 - 00;41;20;13
Black Cat
Oh they... they attacked so fast. Raji... Fought like a lioness. --Disgusting Gagging--
00;41;20;15 - 00;41;24;06
Zahira
Oh no no.
00;41;24;08 - 00;41;27;27
Black Cat
But they took her down first. Bastards!
00;41;28;00 - 00;41;35;22
Zahira
--Wimpering-- It’s only me...
00;41;35;22 - 00;41;59;08
Narrator
Khor is going to come to a very nasty end I can tell you that. Khor, it's going to be the hands of Puds and it's going to be grim and dark and grotesque. I can assure everybody and anybody that Khor will die painfully. You just imagine that in real life if it’s actually a scene on a stage, and you've got the actor playing Khor and everyone around is, it's like, “Will this guy just please...”
00;41;59;11 - 00;42;04;18
Narrator
Raji? I didn't even get to shoot my shot.
00;42;04;20 - 00;42;07;03
Puds
Really? That's your takeaway?
00;42;07;06 - 00;42;25;29
Zahira
Yeah. I didn’t get to shoot my shot, man. Love is cruel Puds... Madam Suru promised me a night beneath the stars. And now Raji. Oh, brave, beautiful Raji. She. She barely even knew I existed. Every time I open my heart, fate tears it out and crushes it--
00;42;26;01 - 00;42;33;22
Zahira
Archie Rigs, for the love of--Look. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself. People died, Archie.
00;42;33;25 - 00;42;41;13
Zahira
Oh. Fine. But let the record show. My heart lies shattered on this bloody floor.
00;42;41;15 - 00;42;42;05
Narrator
Noted.
00;42;42;10 - 00;42;44;07
Narrator
Khor coughs, glaring up at them.
00;42;44;09 - 00;42;52;23
Black Cat
Are you idiots gonna leave me to die? Or are you gonna help me?
00;42;52;28 - 00;42;55;29
Puds
I guess we should help you. We got no one left.
00;42;56;05 - 00;42;58;01
Black Cat
Don’t do me any favors.
00;42;58;03 - 00;42;59;17
Black Cat
No, no, no.
00;42;59;19 - 00;43;11;01
Taylor
We're not leaving you behind. We've lost enough friends tonight. You'll join us. We'll avenge Raji and your comrades. This is bigger than all of us now.
00;43;11;04 - 00;43;14;13
Black Cat
Fine, but don't expect me to like it.
00;43;14;14 - 00;43;26;00
Puds
Listen, we're doing you a bloody favor! We're literally offering help when you're about to die and you giving us that sass.
00;43;26;02 - 00;43;31;10
Taylor
I was thinking the exact same thing. It's just like. “Is this guy really? He's, like, bleeding out?”
00;43;31;12 - 00;43;40;22
Puds
I beg your f*****g pardon? Oh, excuse me, you're bleeding out. And you're complaining about what? Us helping you?
00;43;40;27 - 00;43;44;21
Black Cat
Fine. But don't expect me to like it.
00;43;44;23 - 00;43;49;10
Black Cat
All right, all right, all right. Pull yourselves together. So what now?
00;43;49;12 - 00;43;53;14
Puds
We take the fight to Hekau. For Raji, for everyone.
00;43;53;16 - 00;43;56;15
Black Cat
Agreed. But we need a plan.
00;43;56;18 - 00;44;11;06
Black Cat
Well, I know where Hekau hides, when he’s afraid. His secret sanctum beneath the temple of the moon. I'll take you there. We’ll make that bastard pay!
00;44;11;13 - 00;44;17;03
Black Cat
Then we go together for love, honor and revenge.
00;44;17;06 - 00;44;20;05
Black Cat
Yeah. Mostly revenge.
00;44;20;07 - 00;44;22;11
Narrator
They gather their things weary but resolved.
00;44;22;17 - 00;44;28;18
Black Cat
Farewell, sweet Raji. I'll love you in another life.
00;44;28;20 - 00;44;30;19
Puds
Would you shut up already?
00;44;30;19 - 00;44;35;08
Narrator
They head toward the tunnel once more with Khor limping along side.
00;44;35;11 - 00;45;12;24
Narrator
Choices! Option A: Sneak into Hekau’s secret sanctum immediately, attempting a surprise attack, but risk confronting powerful dark magic head on. Option B: Seek out Madame Suru again for guidance, hoping her powers can help defeat Hekau and Setekh, but this could draw unwanted attention. Option C: Uncover more information in a hidden chamber beneath the Smuggler's den, revealing secrets about Setekh’s weaknesses, but delaying revenge risks more attacks. Choose wisely.
00;45;12;26 - 00;45;15;12
Narrator
They really want us to go to a hidden chamber.
00;45;15;15 - 00;45;34;02
Taylor
What if we make the climax of this episode going in, taking out General Hekau and getting some new information? We could force their hand and just be like, you know: “Suddenly the guards return and they rush out. The city is like, just teeming with guards, searching high and low for them. And then they make their way to option A.”
00;45;34;06 - 00;45;40;16
Narrator
Puds utilizes a specific skill set called “Snuffle Sneaking.”
00;45;40;19 - 00;45;47;11
Black Cat
And forces everyone else to do it.
00;45;47;13 - 00;45;55;04
Narrator
Suddenly, footsteps echo through the tunnels, loud and growing closer, Hekau’s guards have returned, their voices harsh and commanding.
00;45;55;07 - 00;45;56;25
Puds
Damn it, they’re back! Move!
00;45;57;02 - 00;46;15;17
Narrator
Archibald Zahira, Khor and the black Cat scramble toward the exit. Khor limps badly leaning on his ax. The footsteps grew louder. Closer. The group burst into the night air, emerging into a shadowy alleyway. But the city is alive with chaos. Guards march door to door, searching homes and questioning terrified citizens.
00;46;15;19 - 00;46;18;11
Black Cat
They're everywhere. How do we get past them?
00;46;18;15 - 00;46;23;03
Puds
Easy. We snuffle sneak.
00;46;23;27 - 00;46;25;23
Taylor
Sorry. Snuffle what?
00;46;25;25 - 00;46;35;06
Puds
Snuffle sneaking. Hedgehog stealth. You walk low, silent and sniff for guards. Just copy me and don't breathe too loud.
00;46;35;14 - 00;46;40;03
Black Cat
I'm not sure that humans can snuffle sneak or whatever--
00;46;40;03 - 00;46;42;18
Puds
Then you'll learn. Now get low.
00;46;42;20 - 00;46;51;23
Narrator
Puds crouches, moving, silently, snuffling and sniffing the air, his nose twitching. The others awkwardly mimic him, bending low, following carefully behind.
00;46;51;24 - 00;46;53;13
Narrator
This feels ridiculous.
00;46;53;13 - 00;46;57;13
Black Cat
Shut up and snuffle you idiot!
00;46;57;15 - 00;46;59;02
Zahira
HAHA! This is so stupid.
00;46;59;02 - 00;47;08;26
Narrator
They creep through alleyways, pressing against walls, holding their breath as guards pass by.
00;47;08;28 - 00;47;12;04
Puds
Stop! Guards to the left. Wait til he moves.
00;47;12;06 - 00;47;14;15
Narrator
They freeze as a guard strolls by, unaware.
00;47;14;19 - 00;47;16;01
Puds
It's actually working.
00;47;16;01 - 00;47;18;26
Puds
Course it is now snuffle.
00;47;18;28 - 00;47;35;05
Narrator
They slip silently through the maze of streets, dodging patrols, moving towards the massive moonlit structure, the temple of the moon. They reach the ancient, towering structure. Heavy doors stand ominously closed, guarded by elite soldiers. The group hides behind a stone wall nearby.
00;47;35;07 - 00;47;38;18
Black Cat
Secret entrance around the back. Follow me.
00;47;38;20 - 00;47;46;01
Narrator
They enter a narrow staircase descending into darkness. Torches line the walls, flickering. An eerie chanting echoes below.
00;47;46;06 - 00;47;48;21
Taylor
This feels disturbingly familiar.
00;47;48;23 - 00;47;51;12
Puds
Stay sharp. We end this tonight.
00;47;51;15 - 00;48;12;16
Narrator
They emerge into a vast chamber lit by flaming brazier, brassieres, brassieres, no that’s a bra, brassieres, bras, braziers, braziers... flaming torches. General Hekau stands at the center of a glowing circle, chanting in a dark, ancient language. Around him, red robed cultists kneel in worship. Dark energy pulses through the room.
00;48;12;21 - 00;48;17;08
Alex
Setekh, grant me your power. Make me your vessle.
00;48;17;14 - 00;48;19;16
Black Cat
He's performing a ritual.
00;48;19;17 - 00;48;24;21
Black Cat
To merge with Setekh’s essence. We have to stop him. Now.
00;48;24;23 - 00;48;27;17
Narrator
Hekau senses them turning sharply, eyes blazing red.
00;48;27;17 - 00;48;30;10
Alex
Intruders! Kill them.
00;48;30;13 - 00;48;32;28
Narrator
Cultists search forwards, weapons drawn.
00;48;32;28 - 00;48;36;08
Puds
Time for some payback. Archie-- Blow something up.
00;48;36;08 - 00;48;38;00
Taylor
Gladly.
00;48;38;02 - 00;48;44;03
Taylor
Fumbling with his potions, Archie blows his dick off and bleeds out on the floor.
00;48;44;06 - 00;48;46;25
Alex
No more yellow vials.
00;48;46;28 - 00;48;54;27
Narrator
Archibald hurls two explosive vials into the charging cultists. Boom! Cultists scatter, some falling injured. Chaos erupts.
00;48;54;29 - 00;48;56;19
Alex
You will not deny me!
00;48;56;20 - 00;49;02;03
Alex
Puds leaps forward, expanding violently to his four foot form, scattering cultists with brute force.
00;49;02;03 - 00;49;04;07
Alex
You messed with the wrong Hedgehog!
00;49;04;11 - 00;49;10;24
Alex
Khor swings his ax, felling two cultists fighting with primal rage.
00;49;10;27 - 00;49;12;19
Puds
We need to break that circle.
00;49;12;22 - 00;49;14;22
Taylor
Leave that to me.
00;49;14;25 - 00;49;18;28
Alex
An explosion cracks the glowing circle. Hekau staggers, enraged.
00;49;19;01 - 00;49;21;19
Alex
No! Setekh-- aid me!
00;49;21;24 - 00;49;26;19
Narrator
A surge of black energy blasts outwards. Everyone falls back, pinned down by its power.
00;49;26;19 - 00;49;33;23
Black Cat
We must break his concentration.
00;49;33;25 - 00;49;35;29
Alex
Oh, then let's break him!
00;49;36;03 - 00;49;45;29
Alex
Puds, Archibald, Khor and Zahira charge together, delivering a combined blow. Hekau screams as the mist explodes around him, collapsing lifelessly to the ground.
00;49;46;02 - 00;49;47;26
Taylor
Now we did it.
00;49;48;00 - 00;49;51;03
Puds
For now, but Setekh ain't finished yet.
00;49;51;05 - 00;49;55;10
Black Cat
But Hekau is. My people are avenged.
00;49;55;17 - 00;49;56;21
Puds
And Raji too.
00;49;56;22 - 00;49;58;06
Black Cat
She would have been proud.
00;49;58;08 - 00;50;00;04
Zahira
God, he’s such a horndog.
00;50;00;09 - 00;50;04;29
Black Cat
The war is not over. But tonight, victory is ours.
00;50;05;05 - 00;50;11;16
Narrator
They stand united, weary but determined, in the broken sanctum.
00;50;11;18 - 00;50;15;20
Taylor
Feel like we wasted that guy so easily. Mini boss? Toast.
00;50;15;23 - 00;50;17;25
Narrator
Big Bad done. Just another guy.
00;50;17;25 - 00;50;21;01
Taylor
Guy who murdered the entire smuggler's ring? He’s dead.
00;50;21;01 - 00;50;23;00
Narrator
Literally just rugby tackled him. Done.
00;50;23;00 - 00;50;43;11
Taylor
We can't just tackle him in and kill him. Like we have to get some information from him. And I think we need to figure out. Like what? Well, like, maybe, I don't know, like, try a couple of things that don't work. So I'm thinking we go back, we tell the AI, take us back to right after Archibald throws the explosive device and it doesn't work. And then we all have to try a bunch of different things to defeat Setekh.
00;50;43;11 - 00;50;48;22
Narrator
The boss fight needs to be more elaborate. A more elaborate, and challenging boss fight.
00;50;48;22 - 00;50;53;11
Taylor
“Give us a 50/50 chance it works.”
00;50;53;11 - 00;50;57;06
Narrator
I'm keen to experiment with the idea of chances.
00;50;57;09 - 00;51;08;17
Taylor
Roll back the tape and see how this goes.
00;51;08;20 - 00;51;19;00
Narrator
General Hekau stands in the center of a glowing circle, chanting in an ancient language. Dark energy swirls around him, and red robed cultists kneel, murmuring praises.
00;51;19;01 - 00;51;27;10
Alex
Setekh grant me your power. Let me be the gateway through which you reclaim your dominion.
00;51;27;12 - 00;51;31;08
Narrator
Hekau senses the intruders turning sharply, his eyes blazing red.
00;51;31;08 - 00;51;41;05
Alex
Foolish mortals, you are too late. Setekh’s essence already flows within me. The world as you know it will crumble.
00;51;41;11 - 00;51;47;20
Narrator
Cultists stand, drawing blades moving menacingly forwards. Archibald pulls out an explosive vial.
00;51;47;26 - 00;51;49;12
Taylor
Ha! This should do the trick.
00;51;49;18 - 00;51;54;27
Narrator
He throws the vial, but it fizzles out on the ground. Nothing happens.
00;51;55;02 - 00;51;57;07
Taylor
I swear. That's never happened before.
00;51;57;11 - 00;52;13;19
Zahira
HA HA HA! Your tricks are meaningless. Setekh’s power shields me. His spirits once ruled this world before the pharaohs imprisoned him in the pyramids. Soon all those prisons will crumble and Setekh will be a whole again.
00;52;13;19 - 00;52;16;06
Black Cat
We have to stop him before that happens.
00;52;16;13 - 00;52;17;04
Black Cat
But how?
00;52;17;11 - 00;52;21;10
Black Cat
We fight. We hit him with everything we’ve got!
00;52;21;13 - 00;52;24;19
Narrator
Hekau raises his hands, dark energy swirling.
00;52;24;22 - 00;52;27;17
Alex
Come then, face your doom.
00;52;27;21 - 00;52;45;17
Alex
Boss fight initiated. Now it's your turn. Choose a character and type in an action or strategy they attempt to defeat Hekau. I'll tell you if it succeeds or fails, it's a 50/50 chance each time. Who acts first and what do they do?
00;52;45;19 - 00;52;55;17
Narrator
I'm not displeased with the kind of the framing of it. Yeah, it's kind of like a computer game where you suddenly have the characters pop up, “like choose your fighter,” that sort of situation.
00;52;55;17 - 00;52;57;07
Taylor
Who acts first in this situation?
00;52;57;07 - 00;53;06;19
Narrator
Zahira? She's a brave young girl. Should we chuck her into the-- no f**k it, Khor is a f*****g idiot with an ax. He just runs straight at him.
00;53;06;22 - 00;53;16;13
Zahira
Yeah, like there's no thought. No one's considered a battle plan. Khor’s just like losing his mind. He has got a limp, but he just goes at it.
00;53;16;16 - 00;53;18;27
Taylor
Do you want this to be the moment that Khor dies?
00;53;18;27 - 00;53;20;18
Narrator
No.
00;53;20;21 - 00;53;23;06
Taylor
I'm assuming you want him to stick around a little.
00;53;23;08 - 00;53;32;20
Narrator
I still want I want him to die a terrible death. But I'm happy for the build up. Which will make it even more sweet. I want to really relish his death.
00;53;32;22 - 00;53;35;02
Taylor
He's a third act death, probably. All right.
00;53;35;08 - 00;53;38;22
Narrator
By then we'll be in floods of tears about it.
00;53;38;25 - 00;53;43;26
Taylor
Yeah. I was going to say you'll be f*****g crying when he saves everyone's life.
00;53;44;02 - 00;53;47;24
Zahira
Puds is bawling his eyes out as he slowly squeezes Khor’s neck.
00;53;47;25 - 00;53;57;09
Taylor
All right, so yeah, Khor is up first he's going to attempt a full frontal attack with his ax, and if he succeeds, he's going to trap Hekau between his monstrous thighs.
00;53;57;11 - 00;54;02;27
Narrator
Khor roars, charging forward with his ax raised high, muscles bulging.
00;54;02;29 - 00;54;06;01
Black Cat
THIS IF FOR RAJI!
00;54;06;03 - 00;54;13;28
Narrator
He swings hard, but Hekau waves a hand, releasing a blast of dark energy that sends Khor sprawling backward, crashing painfully against a pillar.
00;54;14;01 - 00;54;18;23
Alex
Pathetic brute you are insects before the might of Setekh!
00;54;19;00 - 00;54;25;29
Narrator
Khor groans, wounded but still alive, pulling himself up slowly.
00;54;25;29 - 00;54;35;16
Narrator
Let's get Puds giving it a go. Puds is up next, already engorged with rage, he, attempts a skill we've not yet seen, firing his quills as projectiles.
00;54;35;19 - 00;54;45;24
Narrator
Puds engorged with rage, growls fiercely, his quills bristling violently. With a powerful roar he fires a volley of razor sharp quills towards Hekau.
00;54;45;26 - 00;54;48;15
Alex
Take this, you bastard!
00;54;48;17 - 00;54;55;23
Alex
But Hekau raises a dark, swirling barrier of energy. The quills harmlessly bounce off, scattering across the chamber floor.
00;54;55;25 - 00;55;02;15
Alex
Ha ha ha, is that all you have, little knight? I expected more.
00;55;02;15 - 00;55;03;22
Alex
Damn it.
00;55;03;25 - 00;55;05;17
Alex
Next move. Characters remaining.
00;55;05;17 - 00;55;07;05
Narrator
I love that it’s “remaining characters.”
00;55;07;05 - 00;55;09;26
Taylor
I know what happens if they all lose? Like, then who knows what happens?
00;55;10;01 - 00;55;21;13
Narrator
Oh, I've got an idea. We can play the system a bit because it's making us do them one at a time. But whilst Archibald's up next Zahira sneaks around and as he attacks, they do a pronged attack.
00;55;21;13 - 00;55;29;06
Taylor
Interesting that you mention that because in my opinion, Archibald's only move left is to try and seduce Hekau.
00;55;29;08 - 00;55;33;20
Zahira
So it’s the perfect distraction?
00;55;33;22 - 00;55;41;29
Taylor
Archie’s up next, he whips out the only skills he knows that he truly has command of: The power of love.
00;55;42;07 - 00;55;50;29
Narrator
Archibald, desperate, steps forward with sudden bravado. He begins an awkward, sensual dance, reciting a poem in a deep dramatic voice.
00;55;51;02 - 00;56;08;26
Black Cat
Oh mighty Hekau... Your eyes like embers burning deep into my soul's soft chambers. Forget that dark God, the chaos, the fray. Come into my arms. Let's dance the night away, baby.
00;56;08;28 - 00;56;12;04
Narrator
--Aggressive Purring--
00;56;12;04 - 00;56;16;26
Narrator
Hekau pauses, utterly stunned, then breaks into laughter.
00;56;16;29 - 00;56;25;14
Zahira
HA HA HA! What madness is this? Your desperation is embarrassing.
00;56;25;14 - 00;56;31;00
Alex
Unnoticed Zahira slips silently around behind Hekau, ready to strike.
00;56;31;07 - 00;56;34;01
Taylor
So what does Zahira do? What do you think?
00;56;34;03 - 00;56;35;00
Narrator
Kick in the nuts?
00;56;35;00 - 00;56;37;22
Taylor
Like a field goal kicker going for 50 yards?
00;56;37;29 - 00;56;44;04
Narrator
Yeah, takes a massive run up and just shin kicks in from behind square in the plums.
00;56;44;11 - 00;57;01;02
Narrator
Zahira sensing her moment, sprints silently from behind. Gathering all her strength, she launches herself into a powerful kick aimed directly at Hekau’s groin. But at the last moment, Hekau spins around, his eyes blazing red. He grabs Zahira’s foot mid-air, twisting it painfully.
00;57;01;06 - 00;57;03;24
Narrator
She cries out, collapsing onto the ground.
00;57;03;26 - 00;57;06;27
Alex
Did you truly think me blind girl?
00;57;07;00 - 00;57;10;21
Narrator
Zahira scrambles away, barely dodging another dark blast from Hekau.
00;57;10;24 - 00;57;14;15
Taylor
Well, black Cat, we don't really know a lot about the Black Cats power.
00;57;14;17 - 00;57;23;27
Narrator
I'm intrigued to find out more about the black Cat without having to control that. Yeah, can we not say like the black cat using a power that we have not yet seen?
00;57;23;27 - 00;57;29;01
Taylor
“The black cat using a power that we have not yet seen but is spectacular to behold, takes aim at Hekau.”
00;57;29;06 - 00;57;41;00
Narrator
The black cat suddenly steps forward, eyes glowing intensely. With a voice that echoes through dimensions it speaks words of ancient forbidden power. Mystical energy gathers around it, shimmering like starlight.
00;57;41;03 - 00;57;44;13
Black Cat
Achet, SEKH!
00;57;44;15 - 00;57;55;25
Narrator
A beam of brilliant celestial energy fires towards Hekau. But at the last moment Hekau deflects the blast with a powerful sweep of dark force, scattering the energy into sparks.
00;57;55;28 - 00;58;01;00
Zahira
Ha! Your old magic is meaningless before Setekh’s power.
00;58;01;03 - 00;58;08;14
Narrator
The black cat staggers, drained and weakened. Hekau stands unscathed, dark energy crackling around him. He laughs triumphantly.
00;58;08;18 - 00;58;14;27
Alex
Witness your end, fools! Setekh shall rise again, and I will be his vessel.
00;58;14;29 - 00;58;22;14
Alex
FINAL CHOICE. You may attempt one last desperate action with all characters together at a 50% success rate.
00;58;22;14 - 00;58;23;19
Narrator
Wow, that's kind of you.
00;58;23;20 - 00;58;25;06
Taylor
Here is a little a little hand up.
00;58;25;06 - 00;58;32;00
Narrator
I think a pronged attack is a good shout. It's like how they, you know, we've had them trying individually and now they're working as a team.
00;58;32;05 - 00;58;40;08
Taylor
What do you think about this? Let's raise the stakes a little bit. The answer is yes. They try a pronged attack. If it fails, though, Zahira is toast.
00;58;40;11 - 00;58;50;07
Narrator
Well, I was going to go one step closer and we don't know who it's going to pick. Is that not the kind of the the stakes that we're laying like? That's pretty scary.
00;58;50;12 - 00;58;52;25
Taylor
I'm actually nervous, so I think we should.
00;58;52;25 - 00;58;57;28
Narrator
We are now gambling with AI. This is literal gambling with the lives of our characters.
00;58;57;28 - 00;59;03;09
Taylor
All of the attacks have failed so far, so I'm actually, like, skeptical that this will win. Somebody might go down.
00;59;03;09 - 00;59;06;28
Zahira
Oh no. Not Khor. Please not Khor.
00;59;07;01 - 00;59;11;27
Taylor
I also hope it's not like Zahira because all of them dying is funny except Zahira.
00;59;11;28 - 00;59;13;28
Taylor
Yeah, yeah. Oh, no.
00;59;14;00 - 00;59;14;22
Narrator
What have we done?
00;59;14;22 - 00;59;15;14
Narrator
Well, it's going.
00;59;15;20 - 00;59;43;20
Narrator
In a moment of desperation, the group looks at each other, understanding passing silently between them. It's now or never. Archibald grabs his remaining explosive vials, determination burning in his eyes. Puds bristles fiercely, preparing to fire every last quill from his trembling body. Khor raises his ax, bellowing with primal rage. The black Cat summons the remnants of its fading power fur glowing ethereal. Zahira, eyes blazing, draws her dagger, ready to sacrifice everything for vengeance.
00;59;43;20 - 00;59;48;04
Taylor
Together for Raji and for freedom.
00;59;48;04 - 01;00;22;22
Alex
They charged simultaneously, launching an epic, unified assault. Archibald throws every remaining explosive vial in a dazzling burst of fire and smoke. Puds unleashes a storm of quills like deadly arrows. Khor swings his ax with earth shattering force. Black Cat releases a beam of shimmering cosmic energy. Zahira sprints, screaming defiantly dagger aimed at Hekau heart. For a moment, it seems they might succeed, but Hekau channeling Setekh’s immense power creates a barrier of pure darkness. Their attacks are swallowed by the void, leaving only silence in their wake.
01;00;22;22 - 01;00;23;09
Black Cat
No!
01;00;23;15 - 01;00;30;04
Narrator
Suddenly Hekau surges forward faster than the eye can follow. His clawed hand pierces Zahira’s chest.
01;00;30;06 - 01;00;33;04
Alex
Your life ends here, girl.
01;00;33;07 - 01;00;38;14
Zahira
Oh my God, you can’t be serious.
01;00;38;17 - 01;00;38;26
Zahira
We did this.
01;00;38;27 - 01;00;41;15
Zahira
I can’t believe...
01;00;41;20 - 01;00;43;17
Zahira
We did this. Oh my goodness.
01;00;43;18 - 01;00;53;13
Taylor
There was a 50/50 chance that one of them was going to die. 10% chance because there's five of them that it would be Zahira.
01;00;53;14 - 01;00;54;27
Narrator
Oh my goodness.
01;00;54;29 - 01;00;57;03
Zahira
A 16 year old girl.
01;00;57;05 - 01;00;59;24
Taylor
Of course, it's the only one who's not funny.
01;00;59;28 - 01;01;04;20
Black Cat
Zahira! NOOOOOOOO....
01;01;04;23 - 01;01;05;23
Black Cat
We got to go.
01;01;05;25 - 01;01;11;02
Black Cat
We can’t leave her... we can’t leave her! No!
01;01;11;04 - 01;01;15;00
Black Cat
We have no choice... Run. Now!
01;01;15;07 - 01;01;24;00
Narrator
With tears, rage and despair overwhelming them, the remaining heroes sprint towards the exit, fleeing into the shadows.
01;01;31;06 - 01;01;37;03
Alex
Run insects. Setekh’s rein has begun.
01;01;37;06 - 01;01;40;21
Narrator
End of chapter two. To be continued.
01;01;40;23 - 01;01;41;29
Black Cat
What??
01;01;42;01 - 01;01;45;04
Black Cat
That is dark. That is so dark!
01;01;45;07 - 01;01;52;23
Taylor
That's so dark. I'm like. I'm stunned. I'm stunned. I can't believe that.
01;01;52;23 - 01;01;56;18
Narrator
We’ve learned that the AI does go there...
01;01;56;22 - 01;02;36;11
Taylor
Hey, this is Taylor. Just, diving in from the edit booth to say that, we decided to cut out a lot of that scene because the AI was a lot darker than we expected. Dark and gruesome. Horrifyingly so. And we're not exactly producing a family show here, but it was a little too much. So if you want to listen to the deleted scene of this episode, you can find it on our Patreon page. So, if you're one of our Patreon subscribers and you're curious to know what kind of darkness AI can rile up from the depths of hell, feel free to check it out there.
01;02;36;13 - 01;02;39;03
Narrator
This episode would need a warning at the beginning of it.
01;02;39;03 - 01;02;39;11
Alex
Yeah,
01;02;39;11 - 01;03;52;02
Alex
Choices! Escape from Khefer-Rah. Option A: The sewer waterfall passage. A crumbling sewer grate leads down into the ancient waterworks beneath Khefer-Rah. They must navigate old deadly aqueducts rumored to hide an underground river and waterfall that could sweep them out into the desert. But it's dark, maze like and filled with things better left forgotten. Option B: The abandoned caravan route. They sprint for the old caravan road beyond the city walls, dodging patrols and cultist scouts. The road is exposed risky, but if they can survive until dawn, caravan nomads may help them vanish into the desert. Option C: Hide among the slum markets. They duck into the lawless sprawl of Khefer-Rah’s poorest districts, a maze of crumbling tents, dying fires and desperate souls. Here, among thieves and assassins, no one cares about cultists or soldiers, but danger from the locals is just as deadly. Choose wisely!
01;03;52;06 - 01;04;00;02
Taylor
Oh, man. Well, I guess the people listening to this episode have a lot to think about for next week.
01;04;00;02 - 01;04;07;11
Puds
Goodness me. What are we gonna do? Oh, no. What are we gonna do?
01;04;07;13 - 01;04;10;04
Taylor
I think we'll end the episode.
01;04;10;04 - 01;04;22;13
Zahira
Goodbye, goodbye.
01;04;22;16 - 01;07;51;10
Taylor
The Big Quest Iron is a BQI media production created and produced by Taylor Gledhill and Xander Rawlins. This episode of the BQI pod was edited by Taylor Gledhill, with original music by Xander Rawlins and Pally Ink, written in part thanks to the intellectual property theft of AI large language models, with some charitable help from the human storytellers. All voices, production and post-production processes are a painstaking labor of love by the creators and remain pure and untouched by AI. So if you would like to support the human artists behind the BQI, find us on Patreon or at BQIMedia..com, where you can get access to an ads free version of the podcast, BQI merch, bonus extras, and exciting perks such as helping us choose which stories to tell next. All characters are voiced by the creators. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.