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Are you feeling swamped by the demands of being a principal? From juggling emails, calls, and decisions to boosting test scores and wading through endless paperwork, the pressure is real.
But imagine a scenario where you no longer feel this overwhelming stress. Picture yourself as a more resilient leader, concentrating on enhancing your school rather than merely coping with the daily tasks that currently consume your time.
I‘m Barb Flowers. Drawing upon my eight-year experience as an elementary principal, with a Ph.D. in Educational Leadership and certification as a life coach, Along the way, I've mentored and coached school leaders, guiding them to change their mindset, set boundaries and focus on their own well-being while navigating their roles.
Each episode offers practical insights on time management, communication, overcoming overwhelm, boosting confidence, and fostering a positive mindset. We'll also discuss topics like working with stakeholders, implementing new initiatives, and managing discipline. Let's set boundaries, focus on well-being, and reignite your passion for being a principal. Welcome to "The Principal's Handbook."
I firmly believe that to be an impactful educator, you must first become a confident and well-rounded individual. Join us in this journey to empower and enhance your confidence as a school leader.
The Principal Reset: The People Pleaser
Speaker: [00:00:00] In today's episode, we're talking about the summer reset, focusing on the people-pleasing principal. That's all coming up next on The Principal's Handbook.
Speaker 2: Welcome to The Principal's Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.
From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work-life balance, we'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your wellbeing is the top priority
Speaker: Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we are talking about the people-pleasing principal, and this is part of our summer reset series.
So this person that I'm [00:01:00] gonna talk about is somebody who's a principal, who wants staff to like them. They want parents to think that they're doing a good job. They want everyone to feel happy and supported as teachers and staff. They spend a lot of energy worrying about other people's emotions and reactions to the things happening.
Questions constantly running through this principal's mind is, "What if they get mad? What if the parent complains? What if I say something that the teacher doesn't like me anymore? What if people think I'm mean? What if people think I'm harsh? What if people disagree with me?" And as a result of that, often feedback becomes watered down.
Maybe they're avoiding hard conversations. They take a long time to make decisions, and they're not very decisive. Boundaries become blurry. Frustration starts to build. A lot of times with people pleasers, what we'll see is there's a lot of resentment because they don't say what they're really feeling.
And so I know [00:02:00] people pleasing all too well because this person that I'm describing, this type of principal, is me. So in our summer reset series today, we're focusing on the people pleaser. This was the thing I struggled with the most as a new principal. And I think one thing when I look back on it, not only did I grow up and I've always been a people pleaser, and this is something I've worked a lot on with coaching, I think also another piece of that is I started out as a very young administrator. I taught for six years, and so then after that I was a principal at, twenty-eight, and so an assistant principal at twenty-eight. And so I think with that also comes that people pleasing because everybody was older than me as well.
So not only was it part of my personality, but then I'm leading a building where everybody in my building was pretty much mid-career, most of them. There were a couple younger teachers, but I would say most of them were mid-career that I actually... they had kids my age. So it was just an interesting dynamic.
And because of that, a lot of times what I [00:03:00] did is I defaulted to people pleasing. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to make decisions that people were happy with. With discipline, this was a huge thing, and I talk about this a lot in my product, The Discipline Reset, that, it's a course because a lot of times when we're making discipline decisions, it's easy to get caught up in what's gonna make the parent happy or what if they're upset with me.
And so that makes discipline that's already stressful a very stressful thing. And so if you can take that people pleasing out of it, it really does help a lot. So I want to break down some of the patterns I see with people pleasers. So the first pattern, which is something I shared that I did, was the fear of disappointing people. So people pleasers often believe if someone's upset with me, I've done something wrong Or they're so worried about making sure that everybody likes them.
If somebody's upset with them, they think, "I will make this person like me." Right? But part of leadership is there's a guarantee that people aren't going to be happy with you. Not everybody is going to be happy with your decision. [00:04:00] Most people might be, but not everybody. You're always going to have those couple of people who don't like something you did, a parent who won't like the consequence you gave, a teacher who won't like the feedback you gave from the observation.
Staff won't agree with every decision you make about the schedule or whatever hard decision you have to make. Someone is not going to get what they want. That's just part of leadership. And so when you can just have that in your head, and we're gonna be talking about the T cycle and your thoughts, but that not everybody is going to be happy all the time, it's going to help you so much.
I always have a thought as I call a parent with discipline that it's going to be really interesting how they respond, because you can have the same exact situation, give the same exact consequence, and have two parents respond in totally different ways. It's really interesting. And so if you really focus on curiosity instead of people pleasing, it helps so much.
When I say curiosity, it's just getting curious and thinking about, "Okay, I wonder [00:05:00] why they're thinking this or why this is happening." But the biggest thing here with this pattern is, having this fear of disappointing people and releasing that and letting that go. The second pattern that I see with people pleasers, and I was guilty of, is watering down feedback.
So a lot of times what happens is when we're afraid to just say the hard thing, we water down feedback, and we don't always get our point across. So it could be feedback on ev- an evaluation. It could be feedback on a certain situation and how it was handled. You wanna have the hard conversation that they need to handle it different.
But if you're watering the situation down and not just being straightforward, then a lot of times what's going to happen is, , they're not going to get the feedback that they need to change. And I think about myself in this,, I don't particularly love getting harsh feedback, but I have to say that I've learned so much from someone who was a leader who gave me hard feedback,
they did not water down any feedback, and [00:06:00] sometimes it was really hard to hear. But I think about those moments, and those are actually the moments that probably changed me the most in my leadership. And so I use that a lot as I'm talking with people that, the people who have the hard conversations are the people who have made the biggest impact on me.
And so I want you to think about that as you're giving that feedback. Are you watering it down? Plan out what you wanna say. Let's say that you notice that a teacher needs to improve classroom management, be really clear about what that means. Don't water it down. , Be really clear about areas that need to improve, coaching and ways that they could improve, ways that you could provide support for that.
You know, "Go observe this teacher. , Read this book. Let's have a discussion about it." But when feedback isn't clear, then teachers aren't able to grow, or whoever you're giving the feedback, they're not able to grow. So avoiding discomfort, it's actually hurting the people that you're trying to help. You think you're being kind, , by [00:07:00] watering down feedback, and you're really not.
And pattern three is avoiding those difficult conversations. So it goes a lot with pattern two, but a lot of times people pleasers tell themselves, " "Well, maybe it will work. maybe it'll improve. I'll wait another week. I need more evidence." I used a lot, like, "I'm focusing on the relationship. It's not the right time to have this conversation."
, These are all things that have happened that I've had this , conversation in my head, and I can think about things that didn't improve. Waiting another week didn't help. You didn't really need more evidence, just, it's easier to have that difficult conversation, because otherwise what happens is the problem becomes bigger, and you've gone too long , without saying anything.
You usually, as a people pleaser, this is how I am, resentment grows 'cause I'm annoyed that they're doing it, and they shouldn't be doing it. And so I start to resent the person, even though I never even had that hard conversation with them. It might decrease trust because it alters the relationship.
When you see a problem, and you're not addressing [00:08:00] it, that other person might not even know it, but you're altering that relationship by having that resentment and, , annoyance with them. So just think the conversation that you're avoiding right now or today actually becomes a problem that you're going to be dealing with later.
So have that hard conversation. And pattern four is outsourcing decision-making A lot of times as a principal when I was new or even assistant principal, I thought, "What decision's going to make everybody happy?" Like, what's the best consensus with everyone? And sometimes that works for some decisions, but really it's about what decision best serves students and the school.
So it's not always about, , what is the consensus, but it's about what is going to be best for students in the school. And what I've learned over time is that you have that big picture thinking as the principal of the building. And so teachers don't always see that. You have some teachers that are teacher leaders that might have that big picture thinking that can help you, if you have a building leadership team or teachers and staff that can help you with those.
But sometimes [00:09:00] teachers just see what works for them, their schedule, their particular grade level, and they don't see that bigger picture. And so that's what you're paid for as the leader, is to see that big picture and lead everybody. So you really wanna make sure that you're not outsourcing decisions because you don't wanna upset anybody.
You wanna be decisive, and you wanna make decisions that are best for students and the school community as a whole, not just one group of people. And the last pattern I'm going to talk about is emotional monitoring. So people pleasers are constantly scanning to figure out everybody else's emotions. So what's going on with that person?
What's their tone of voice? What's their facial expression? What did that email mean that they sent that was short? , Their lack of response. "Oh, they didn't respond to me. What does that mean?" And you're carrying around everybody's emotions or you're so worried about everybody's emotions. And at the end of the day, you just have to remember that other people's emotions are not your responsibility, because we're going to dive into the [00:10:00] T cycle next.
And as I talk about that, remember, your thoughts create your emotions and actions. And so their emotions are created by their thoughts. You can't control their thoughts. No matter what, you can't control their thoughts. And so you can't control their emotions or their actions.
It's really to just focus on the things that you can control. So again, I just wanna go through the patterns. Pattern one is fear of disappointing people. Pattern two, watering down feedback. Pattern three, avoiding those difficult conversations. Pattern four, outsourcing decisions. And pattern five, worrying about everybody else's emotions.
All right, so now jumping into the TEA cycle.
Your thoughts create your emotions, which create your actions. So you really need to think about or be aware of what are those thoughts. What are you telling yourself as a people pleaser? And for me, the biggest thing I notice is I would tell myself, "They're going to be upset. This is going to ruin the relationship moving forward.
It's going to hurt their feelings. It's not kind." Okay? So I would have these thoughts. And so the thoughts [00:11:00] that this would create for me is anxiety, guilt, , dread of the conversation, fear to have the conversation because I had these thoughts. So what the actions that came from that is I would delay conversations.
I might soften the message, , avoid holding people accountable, and I would leave frustrated. Another action that came was resentment, right? That's a feeling. But that resentment came from being so frustrated, and a lot of times it just meant that I avoided hard things that I needed to do. I avoided those hard conversations.
And so you really wanna think about, how do you just have the conversation? How can you be direct and be compassionate? I always talk about it's important to have this empathy and authority balance, right? I'm a very empathetic person, and empathy is really important in leadership, I think, to know where people are coming from.
I think it's a strength as a principal 'cause I can really go back to my time as a teacher, and I really vividly remember what it's like to be a teacher, and I [00:12:00] think that's a strength as a principal because I can empathize with teachers. But there also has to be this authority in leadership, I can have empathy, but there's gotta be an authority of, "This is the leadership.
This is what we're doing." If I just lead with empathy, then I'm gonna be, , just people pleasing all the time, where if I just lead with authority, then i'm not giving input to what's actually good for the building because I'm just having that authority piece, right?
So I think it's that balance between the two, and so really making sure that you are direct, and it's that authority piece, but you're compassionate and you have that empathy. So have the hard conversation. Provide support. Create accountability for people.
People pleasing feels like you're doing the kind thing in the moment, but you just have to remember that over time, you're actually not doing the kind thing for people. You are not helping them grow and mature as teachers or whatever position they have in your school. So some reflection questions I want you to think about are, whose approval [00:13:00] are you seeking right now?
What is a conversation that you have been avoiding? What have you been watering down as you talk to people? What have you been watering down as you have conversations with people in the building? What decisions are you delaying because someone might be unhappy with you? And what emotions are you trying to manage that aren't yours to manage?
This one's a big one. I want you to stop and think, if you stopped needing to people please, if you stopped needing everyone to agree with you, what would your leadership look like? How would it be different? So really reflect on that if you're making everybody need to agree with you. So those are some reflection questions to sit with.
Now I wanna just give you a couple of resets. So it's a lot of things, a review of what we've been talking about, but I want you to think about, first separating caring from pleasing. So again, just because you care [00:14:00] and you're empathetic, it doesn't mean you have to please others, those are very different goals.
You can care, you can be empathetic, you can love your staff, but it doesn't mean that - you have to agree with everything they do or pl- you know, be a people pleaser for everything. So separate the two things, caring and pleasing. The second thing, have the hard conversation faster. So not harshly, not from emotion, which I'm guilty of this, just clearly.
So kind leadership isn't about avoiding those hard conversations. It's about having them early on. It's about knowing when you need to have them and just have them
instead of continuing to push them off Also, Let people have their feelings and emotions. People can be disappointed. Parents can be mad about consequences. Teachers can disagree with you. Staff can feel frustrated. There's times of the year that staff are going to feel frustrated.
That doesn't automatically mean the decision that you made was wrong. [00:15:00] You don't have to take on everybody else's emotions. You have to be the calm in the building. So let people have their feelings and emotions, and don't take those on. Let them feel that way, and you focus on leading the best that you can for the students in your building.
Then I want you to use your values as the compass. So if you make decisions based on your values as a leader, you're always going to be happy with those decisions. I always say when I make a discipline decision, I think about, what is the consequence going to be that I'm happy with, that I'm gonna be able to live with,
I hated when I was an assistant principal and , when I had to give a consequence that my principal wanted. As an assistant, you have to work with your principal. I'm not saying don't. But if you're not coming up with that consequence and you don't feel right about it, that is when leadership feels off.
So you really want those consequences and the decisions you make to be aligned to your values. Does it serve students? Does it align with [00:16:00] the mission of the school? Is it the right thing to do by the people in your school? Is it the right thing to do to move student achievement forward?
Not will everyone like it. Don't focus on that. Just use your values as your compass when you're thinking about decisions to make. And the last thing I want you to think about is your identity. So your old identity is that people pleaser, thinking about, "I have to keep everyone happy." And your new identity is, a strong leader leads with honesty, clarity, having tough conversations, but still having empathy even when people are disappointed,
so it's not being this mean, cold-hearted person. You can have that empathy, but it's about being clear, it's about being honest, and it's about having those hard conversations when you need to have them, and always making the decisions that you feel are the best for the building and moving everybody forward.
So one of the most freeing things I've learned as a principal over the [00:17:00] last couple of years is really that people are allowed to be unhappy with your decisions. I just have to feel good about the decisions that I made as the leader. My job is not to manage everyone's emotions. It's to lead that building.
And I always wanna make good decisions for kids and for teachers and that, you know, I'm moving the building forward in a positive way. But you can't do that when you're chasing approval. And I will say that it feels so freeing when you can finally let that go, I've noticed myself as a leader becoming such a better leader when I finally just release that because I can just make a decision and I feel really confident about that decision.
I don't feel like I need to go get approval from everyone or worry about what everyone thinks because I know that it's the best thing that we need to be doing, and I have a strong why behind it. Okay, so when you stop chasing everyone's approval, you really create space to make more courageous decisions, have clarity and stronger leadership.
So [00:18:00] that is it for today talking about the people pleaser. I hope you found some tips that are helpful.
Next week we're gonna be talking about the perfectionist principal, so the principal who feels like they have to do everything perfect or they shouldn't be doing it at all. So we're gonna be talking about that next week. So if you know another principal who's a perfectionist, make sure that you share the episode with them or tell them to listen to The Principal's Handbook.
If you like the podcast, if you find it helpful, please leave a review. That's how people find it. Scroll down in your app on Apple, leave a review, and then also if you're on TikTok, make sure to follow me. I have more tips and free resources. But keep in mind that you have the power to shape your life according to the mindset you choose.
I hope you have a great week, and I will see you back here next time