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Cinema PSYOPS is a weekly film review podcast where we experiment on an impressionable mind to find out why physical wounds heal, but Cinematic ones don't.
And welcome to the 466th Consecutive Week of Cinema PsyOps.
I'm your host, Cort, the guy that really just can't even be fucking bothered to come up with anything to say positive about covering Al Adeptsin, other than we're almost completely done, and joining me in the joy of that is my co-host Matt!
We've got your notes for next week, and then the commentary, and we're done.
So we just have to make it through these next two recordings, and we're done.
Yeah, yeah, these next two recordings, because we totally do this in order.
Everything is recorded weekly and in order, like we always used to do, yes.
All the time.
In fact, our lives are so great that we have all the free time to do this show, and capitalism hasn't crushed us completely under its fucking thumb.
It's great.
Oh, I'm just so happy!
We're not currently trying to distract ourselves from the fact that we're living on a dying planet by doing this show, just as an excuse to have something to be happy about and to look forward to, not at all.
Oh, it's not just a dying planet, a dying country.
Well, the planet itself is fucking dying, but yeah, that's more of a concern.
I just don't know which is going to go first.
Yeah, I mean, the best that I can kind of hope for at this point is, you know, nuclear war, because if, you know, I mean, we'll go go fast here in the city in which we live.
We will be nuclear dust.
Yeah, so we will be one with the universe before the rest of y'all.
Trust us.
It'll be quick and painless.
And that's kind of the best option we have to look forward to for an apocalypse here.
Yeah, it's on to the next life for us, Cork, whatever that is.
I don't know.
But yeah, yeah, I'm rooting for that.
If I have to go, I'd rather it be that than the slow, trotting, overheated death of climate change.
I think I'd rather go with the Holocaust.
After the presidential debate, that's almost everyone to a T.
And I'm talking like people who I knew who used to like that, that I don't know, know, but acquainted with.
They go to the same bar I go to as regulars, who are just diehard conservatives and love Trump.
They're like, holy shit, these two are going to get us all killed.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, finally, someone's listening.
Holy shit.
Everyone now realizes that we're fucking dead, man.
It's over, man.
It's so over.
Anyway, everybody, we're going to keep recording while this is what we're still here.
But it can't end before season 10.
Season 10 is just going to be the shit.
We have to do it.
We have to make...
We got to get to season 10, fellas.
Everyone, listen, we get to season 10 and the shit's going to get lit.
It's the one thing to look forward to in an impending apocalypse of doom.
I can't fucking wait.
Well, let's stop dillian and Nadalian at about it.
Let's just get to it for what we need to get through then.
Cinderella 2000, an hour and 43 minutes of why the fuck is this an hour and 43 minutes?
Oh, my God.
I was like, this time finally court got the longer movie.
I was like, good God, what is this?
Yeah.
Are we doing?
Yeah.
Had I looked at the running times, I would have switched them on purpose just to be a dick.
I know you would have.
And I'm glad you didn't.
It really freed up my Saturday yesterday.
Yeah.
The good court giveth in this situation, but also the good court taketh away from himself in this situation.
Yeah, it's it's not I don't know, man.
I feel bad.
All right.
So Cinderella 2000 is essentially his ploy at trying to do a softcore sex film and a musical all in one and fails miserably at everything.
Yeah, I had recorded one of the fact that those words just had to come out of your mouth.
A softcore porn musical is I don't know.
Can I say this?
Yeah, I know it was horrible, but kind of great that you had to say that.
Well, here's the thing.
I have this is not the first one.
I'll actually tell the story of how I saw my another softcore sex musical movie and how that exists and I know about it.
Right.
And it was also a Cinderella movie too.
And I'll tell the story about it as well.
But of how I saw it.
That's something I also noticed, if I could just say this real quick.
A lot of when they do like there's a lot of softcore porn movies dealing with the Cinderella story more than anything else.
Snow White comes in second, but when it comes to like Disney Princesses, it's more softcore for Cinderella and then Snow White second.
There's also one that was done that was like Alice in Wonderland with.
Oh yeah, that's she's third.
But it is typically Cinderella as a ton of shit and then Snow White.
But in the musical aspect of it, like I said, I've seen this in other places where they actually did a decent job with it.
Now, I'm going to just fully admit, I am predisposed to dislike musicals.
I'm a miserable son of a bitch.
I find the problems with everything and I see the downside of everything before I can enjoy anything that is a good side of everything.
And musicals just hit all of those buttons in just the right way, where it makes me just say, fuck off.
There's very few musicals that I actually like.
So I will admit, I am super critical of musicals.
Now, having said that, this is still a terrible fucking musical.
I agree.
Right.
And just so everybody knows, I was trying to say this earlier, but Matt got excited and cut me off.
That's no problem.
It happens.
That's just who you are, baby.
We're used to it by now.
We've been doing this for 460 fucking six weeks.
So this is just who you are.
I had actually recorded the opening song of the movie as sort of like, oh, well, this is kind of a fun song.
I'll play it at the beginning and then I'll just have, like for the pirate radio, edit like three songs instead of four.
Right.
And immediately after I realized that A, this was a musical and B, started listening to all the other songs that were in the musical, I decided no fuck that.
No one has to suffer through the music that is in this movie to listen to this episode this week.
No one except for us because we had to watch it.
I made no clips of the musical stuff.
There's only just little bits of hints so you can see how bad it actually is.
And then I don't even fucking cover the musical for the song because it doesn't enhance the story in any way, shape or form.
We're just going to ignore the fact from here on out that this was even a fucking musical other than those moments.
The bold move, Cotton.
I like it.
Yeah.
So to enjoy this pirate radio edit for this week, again, all songs from 1977.
But because this is a particularly horny fucking movie, we are actually going to acknowledge that.
So up first on the pirate radio edit, The Dead Boys with the song Caught with the Meat in Your Mouth from 1977.
Immediately after this.
This will keep you quiet.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
You call me cutting a new show.
I'm Bo Ransdell, and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts.
I said quiet.
My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost.
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?
Not that, but also, yes.
No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to.
And you can help.
If you're enjoying the shows on legionpodcasts.com or in the Legion Network available on iTunes and Stitcher, just about anywhere you can download a podcast, really, you can help us out and get a little something for your trouble at patreon.com forward slash LegionPodcasts.
For just two bucks a month, you get a pair of movie commentaries exclusive to Patreon.
And for five dollars, you can also join us for a monthly screening of a movie.
All of that available on patreon.com/LegionPodcasts
We appreciate it, and thank you for listening.
Now, back to the cutting room.
Man, the Dead Boys are a great fucking punk band.
Have you noticed our last two movies have been horned out?
Well, yeah, he started doing sex films at the end of his career, so that's just how it's been, and that's how it's going to continue to be, it's going to be super horned out.
I mean, fine by me.
Listen, anything's better than the racism shit.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just glad we're over that hill.
So let's get into this film and endure everything that Cinderella 2000 from 1977 has to offer.
Movie opens with a terrible song, which clocks in at two minutes and 56 seconds.
That plays over top of the credits before shots of futuristic glassware, and the noise gives way to our first clip.
Good evening, my children.
This is your controller, here again with another one of our intimate little electronic fireside chats.
A little progress report on the state of the planet.
But first, a few computerized statistics to fill you in on our recent anti-crime program.
Okay, petty crime is down 48%.
Computer crime is up 12%, god damn it.
Sorry about that.
Rape is up 35%.
Aggravated assault is up 53%.
Unauthorized fornication has risen to an all-time high of 95%.
This cannot continue.
Fornication without the express permission of the controller and control center is verboten.
Forbidden.
Forbidden, thank you.
Planet.
Out order is a planet out of control.
You almost realize that for the common good, fornication must be regulated, and indiscriminate screw of the sex must be outlawed completely.
Do you understand what I mean?
Cut out the goddamn screwing, I mean it!
Take a whole shower, we'll run around the block, anything but cool off.
I'm warning you, don't get me hot!
Good night from control center.
You are too late, Roscoe.
What?
Fornication without sanction!
Ouch!
Sorry, I'll try to be more careful.
Are you okay?
Of course I'm okay.
Why?
Because I'm not doing anything, that's why.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I made some sketches.
Geez, that doesn't look like much fun.
I could get hurt.
Oh yeah.
Hey, I can't do this.
Well, I never knew it could be so hard.
Hard!
That's it!
Roll over, cowboy.
Okay, during the clip, there are some softcore explicit sex scenes that you can hear in the background, which is way more entertaining when they are told not to do it and being yelled at.
That was actually kind of fun.
Yeah.
Good times.
This then cut to another couple getting ready to fuck, which is what we heard at the very end there, and there's even more nudity through all of this, so thank you, Movie, for that.
And at the end of the clip, you actually kind of hear the lady, she starts to climb on top, and they are trying to figure out how to fuck, but they just don't know how to do it in this very repressed society.
They get busted by that annoying robot that loves to scream fornication, and while you can thank me for removing all of the music, you still have to suffer through that bullshit in our next clip.
Two more validators, two more validators, caught in the act, caught in the act.
Who are you?
What are you?
I'm Roscoe Raga.
What do I look like?
The controller's world, officer, of course.
How the hell?
We didn't do anything, honest.
We don't even know how.
Roscoe, you all right?
How are you?
Here you go, Roscoe.
That, that, that, that, nill, nill, nill, nill, nill, none of them live, none of them live.
No bedroom privileges for you.
But we need the practice, damn it.
I've never seen that program before.
Just give us another five minutes, please.
What good would five minutes be?
We've had an hour.
Move them out, move them out.
Who told you to pardon this?
You did not count as Cindy.
You did, Mother.
I am not your mother.
It's a curse that I'm even your stepmother.
You can see your face.
It's too shiny.
Remember that?
God damn it!
There, rose feet.
When you finish those windows, I want the ironing done, the floors waxed, the china closet dusted, the silverware polished, dinner started.
And don't forget to check out the closed circuit monitors.
God damn security systems followed up again.
Yes, ma'am.
Shake a leg.
Shake a leg.
Shake a leg.
We never got to shake anything.
Never got to shake anything.
Never got to shake anything.
Never got to shake anything.
Never got to shake anything.
Say, big boy, how about you and me discussing this privately?
Is that me?
Hear ye, hear ye.
Will everyone please watch the television?
Move on in.
Move on in.
Flagrant fornication is against the best interests of our planet, not just because we are overpopulated and because it is decadent, but because it is dirty.
Sixty-nine.
Sixty-eight.
Sixty-nine.
Sixty-nine.
Remove their coats.
No, Jack, I won't do it.
We're already in enough trouble.
But Jack, these people are perverted.
Averted.
Averted.
Averted.
Why does Mom buy this cheap crap?
Give me that lipstick.
Bitch, get your own.
Sleazy little slut.
You're so nasty.
What?
You think you're funny, don't you?
You think you're funny.
Look, two can do this.
Wait just a minute.
Somebody's made in my makeup.
Just as I suspected.
Look.
Look at the color in those cheeks.
But I don't use makeup, ma'am.
I've never had any to use.
Don't you lie to me.
There isn't anything you wouldn't try if you thought it might make you pretty.
Now admit it.
Admit it, damn it!
Yes, ma'am.
It was me.
That's more like it.
Look at you.
What difference would makeup make anyway?
Who would look at you?
And cover yourself up, you shameless little hussy!
Don't think you are kidding me, Annie.
You're just waiting for the day you can leave me.
Only that day will never come.
Your old man left me next to nothing when he died.
Nothing but you!
And I aim to work your little buns off, you hear?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I want everything done by the time I get home.
And stay the hell out of my makeup!
Lord knows, I don't really need Annie.
Trust is soon to eat you in on a well-billed mail-type robot.
Looks like I'll never get to go hiking now.
You said it!
You forfeited your afternoon off!
Are you trying to get us in trouble or something?
Go scrub that floor.
Oh, don't mind her.
She always blows her mind when she's horny.
Who wouldn't be horny?
Some life we've got.
Books are outlawed.
No true confession magazines.
I can't even get laid on this planet.
Everything that's fun is against the law.
And just when you thought this film could not get any fucking worse, it turns into a fucking musical as the wicked stepsisters sing the blues about this awful society they live in, and I almost stopped taking notes on the movie in disgust.
And you should have.
We could have ended this.
We could have ended this.
No, no, the court's gotta be exact on things.
We could already be in season 10, and you won't let it.
The song goes on for about three minutes of screen time, but does nothing to further the plot like it would in an actual musical.
It just wasted the time telling us what we already knew, that these people are horny and they want to fuck and they're not allowed to fuck, and what a fucking waste.
The song finally fucking ends.
That's terrible.
The song finally fucking ends, and they have dialogue again, and that's our third clip.
You wouldn't know how to do it anyway.
Oh, yeah?
You should talk.
Look what I found.
That's mine.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
No, you're not.
Oh, give it to me, you bitch.
Come on, give it to me.
Bitch, come on.
Come on, it's mine.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
What was that?
Here.
Don't electrocute yourself.
See ya.
Don't think you're fooling anyone, Stella.
Stella.
I know what you're up to in there.
Stella, I was supposed to have the afternoon off.
It's my turn for a holiday in the country.
I've saved up all my coupons, and it's been almost three months now, okay?
Oh, go on.
You know what mama said.
Goddamn, Stella.
So they were wrestling over a thing that looks like a rocket, which was obviously some kind of a sexual device that they both wanted to be able to use.
And then someone drops by, and then Stella is basically set up this day to start fucking.
So the end of the clip starts with a fucking scene with one of the Wicked Steps listeners listening in, like you heard there on the door, while the other one starts getting fucked.
Cinderella continues to beg for her holiday, while Bella begs for a cock as well.
She wants in just to get a ride too.
Stella gets disappointed by the Ripper dude and invites her sister in for help with something, and now this dude is going to get a three-way.
This, however, just has the sisters fighting on who gets to do what.
It looked like one of them wanted to ride his face while the other one ride the junk, but they both wanted to ride the junk and not the face, or vice versa.
I don't know what the fuck was going on there, but...
Listen, whatever they wanted to ride, they both wanted to ride the same thing.
Yeah, it didn't matter whichever one it was.
That's true.
And then it cuts from this to the punishment for fornication, which is just a full-body nude shot of the woman turned into a doll, and then more dialogue and our fourth clip.
Not to more.
Don't you ever give anyone a break.
Speaking of fornication...
Take a cold shower, will you?
Do you want us to end up like them, miniaturized for six months?
Oh, it would be worth it to bounce on the mattress with you.
Hey, I've got seniority around here.
Relax, the computer decides who sleeps with who, remember?
And I've already got my number for today.
Number one, number two.
Number 34.
Goodbye.
Surprise.
Guess who's here?
Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers.
You wouldn't happen to have a fresh emery board, would you?
This one's the pitts.
My name's Tom Prince.
I'm your sexual surrogate for today.
Nice room for making love, good lighting, plenty of bounce on the mattress.
Watch it, tiger.
Don't make me dizzy before we start.
So many of the girls I'm paired with just spread their legs, go on a couple of times, and that's it.
I get motion sickness.
Didn't you read the printout?
Hey, Romeo, capiche?
But I've got a feeling this time's going to be different.
I've got a good feeling about this.
How about you?
Do you think my toesies need a touch-up?
Sure, go ahead.
What difference does it make?
Then again, I can wait until we're through.
Sound better?
I haven't done this in a long time.
You'll have to help me.
I intend to.
Oh, you.
You know what I mean.
Just tell me what to do.
How about turning around and bending over?
Sure.
Like this?
Yeah, that's it on your knees.
This is going to be fun.
No, no, no, that's not allowed.
You know better than that.
Please proceed with position number one.
Commence fornicating.
Can I at least have a little mood music?
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's no music indicated on this work order.
Please proceed.
Oh, all right.
With that, they are forced to fuck in the missionary position to the tune of that terrible electronic version of Yakety Sax.
There's no music on this work order.
Proceed with the fornication.
They look as bored fucking as I am watching this, believe it or not.
Yeah, man, I never thought I'd be bored watching other people fuck, but all right, they did it.
Yeah, definitely.
It cuts away from...
That's new.
It cuts away from this to the Cinderella of the story, frolicking through a forested area that has a lot of fallen trees and dead branches on the ground.
I noticed that because I am that bored by everything else in the film.
Yeah, damn, you really did get into it.
She pulls a package out from underneath the undergrowth of a tree and then lays a blanket down in an open field clearing to start unwrapping what is apparently a photobook or a storybook of some sort that she reads out loud, which is now dialogue and everybody else's problem in our fifth clip.
And there was beautiful music, and there was dancing, dancing.
All of a sudden the music stopped, and everyone turned to gaze upon the beautiful young princess, all wondering who she was.
And Cinderella ran to her mirror and said, Why, I am beautiful.
And her fairy godmother said, Why, of course you are, Cinderella, you always were.
And with a wave of her wand, she turned the pumpkin into a gilded coach, and the four white mice into four liveried coachmen, and sent Cinderella off to the ball.
And when Cinderella arrived at the palace, the handsome prince came to greet her himself.
And with great joy and gaiety, he took his arm and placed it upon hers, and led Cinderella into the ballroom.
And as the music began to play, Cinderella began to dance with her own prince charming.
Like I said, only just a small taste of the terrible music for everyone, because that's how benevolent I'm trying to be to you all.
This starts yet another fucking awful song that wastes over three minutes of screen time and takes us three minutes and 35 seconds over the threshold of the first 30 minutes.
We're here.
We're at the first break, everyone.
Yeah, we're at the first break.
We're gonna get through this.
Probably not, like, together, we're gonna lose some people, and you're gonna get left behind, but it's okay.
Don't know your sacrifice wasn't probably necessary, but we did it anyway.
So the girl knows of Cinderella, knows of the story of Cinderella, and probably realizes that her life is pretty much the story of Cinderella, but there's no hope for her, other than to fantasize about being Cinderella and the awful situation in which she lives.
So essentially, this is the reality that is the years following 2000.
I mean, this predicted what the future is gonna be like.
Computers tell people how to fuck and when to fuck, and like everybody's bored, and the world is just an awful place, and everybody's super repressed about everything still.
And the robots also tell us we can't have sex.
So yeah, that sounds about right.
Yeah, they call it fornication, which is great.
Oh, it's just not great.
It's just overall, everything about it is just fucking boring.
And the musical...
It's pretty fucking terrible.
The musical interludes are like three to four minutes each, every single time they pop up, and they're very few and far between.
But when they do pop up, it really just stops the film for like extended periods of like musical numbers that then turn into dance numbers, which are all very poorly filmed and choreographed.
Like it's bad.
This is like bad kids movie bad.
Like this makes Santa Claus Conquers the Martians look like masterful film work.
It does.
I've never even seen that.
You don't need to.
Just take my word for it.
Otherwise, we're going to end up in another one of these fucking end of the dragon situations.
Yeah, no, no, let's not do that, all right?
Yeah, we don't need to play music for a minute and a half while I pretend like I have to revise my notes.
Let's not do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just be careful.
We've already spent that bit for this year.
We don't have the budget to do that more than once.
We did already do that bit.
Why don't we just move on to the next fucking hour?
What do you think?
Sounds good to me.
All right, so this is gonna take us to the mark to the full hour, and that starts with the appearance of a spaceship at the end of that glum and unhappy song about how her life can't be like the real Cinderella in the storybook stories, which is in no doubt the fairy godmother of this shitty story.
A door forms, a man appears in the door, takes ages to walk over to her, and then they talk to make this homophobic joke in our sixth clip.
Who are you?
Well, I'm your fairy godmother.
I mean, godfather.
Silly.
Who did you think I was?
You've got me.
My assistants.
Most unsettling place this earth.
I'll be damn glad when this assignment's over with.
What are you doing here exactly?
Well, I'm here to bring you peace and love.
I'm the ambassador of love, of course.
You don't know anything, do you?
I have led a rather sheltered existence.
Really?
I don't understand it.
Why they would want to save this horrid old planet?
Save it?
I don't understand.
From who?
From you.
That's who.
You're going to destroy yourselves, warring all the time, shooting missiles at one another, repression.
Where did you get that book?
What book?
See what I mean?
You can't even have books on this planet, not to mention sex.
The planet I come from is an open place, place of love and beauty and harmony.
What a useless silly old planet.
Why would they even want to make love here?
What is love?
Love is...
You know, love is...
Take off your clothes and rub up against someone and till the sparks fly and then you get it on.
Yes, I see.
You mean fornication.
Oh, no, not fornication.
No, that's...
That's itch.
No, what I come from, we don't even have fornication.
Well, whatever you may call it, we're not allowed to.
Oh, that's too bad.
Everyone's doing it.
Come, let me show you.
Ah, here's the likely subject.
Go on, do it.
That's strange.
They're always doing it.
Ah, my warts.
Go on, do it.
You know, I really don't think this planet is worth educating.
Ah, notice the tenderness, the loving, the care.
Why it hardly seems animal at all.
In fact, I'm not sure it is animal at all.
Ah, the joys of love.
The most glorious thing two people can do together.
Well, go on, do it.
Please continue.
How does that look like fornication to you?
Ah, Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
During the clip, they watched two people in the stupidest fucking rabbit costumes you've ever seen pantomime fucking for what feels like for fucking ever.
Yeah, yeah, I just feel like everything's going a little too far.
This is so stupid and boring and only gets worse as they break into the song at the very end.
They even throw in those sound effects that I left in the clip, and that's the rabbits pumping to the tune of that cartoony bullshit.
Yeah.
And then what is love?
The song, don't hurt me.
Then that song, that's in my head.
I've heard that.
Then that song talks about how everyone needs love, but only describes fucking in some way, shape or form, then goes on for about 10 minutes before that bullshit stops and more dialogue happens in our seventh clip.
Oh, but you know, love is for making, not watching.
Before I'm through, there will be love throughout the constellation, not only here on earth, but even at rocky old moon and nasty old Mars.
I think it is beautiful.
Damn right, it's beautiful.
The most beautiful damn thing there is.
Before I'm through, I will not be content until everyone is making love.
Yes.
Until people here realize that sex is not dirt, that it can be elevated to the personification of love.
Yes.
Only loving sex can bring us together and unify us.
Godfather, I don't understand.
What is the difference between loving sex and fornication?
When I drink an excellent glass of wine, I can imagine myself on a deserted island, all alone, lying on the white sands, the sun beating down on my naked body, the waves lapping at my feet, the breeze blowing through my hair, and the sun sets into the sea, and out of the sun comes this gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful goddess, Aphrodite.
She walks on the water towards me, and I'm lying on the beach, the waves are lapping at my feet, and the breeze is blowing through my hair, and she strews pearls on my body.
On the other hand, when I drink beer, I just want to fornicate.
Godfather.
Not me.
Evans, no.
Control yourself.
But the Godfather, if not you, who?
Ah, you'll know soon enough.
Yes, I will.
I need sex.
I need sex.
I can't stand it anymore.
And she's got a really bad.
Quick, let's get her to the clinic.
They cut from this to the leader dressed in a vaulty uniform from Fucking Fallout, I shit you not.
He's in his room looking at porn, then it cuts from this to the horny stepmom we heard from the clip, being dragged off to the clinic to deal with her horny's, as the blonde doctor gives a speech in our eighth clip.
Someday things will be different here.
We'll have free and open love.
The horny's will be a thing of the past, I hope.
Oh, how could they ever have printed such film?
I need loving bed, I need it bad.
See, what's the meaning of this?
Begging your pardon, sir, it's the horny.
Oh, of course, the horny.
Oh, it's the worst case I've ever seen.
I don't think the normal treatment will even work, she's pretty far gone.
Well, handle it with dispatch, do whatever you have to do.
Yes, sir.
She needs love, what about me?
If I confiscated all these books and magazines, what good are they?
I'm a failure, I can't even have women.
I need it.
I need it.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Don't worry.
You're gonna get it alright.
I need it.
I need it now.
Watch it lady.
You wanna get reduced?
Yes.
It's been so long.
This breaks into a shitty song about how horny the stepmom is and how she has been doing without.
They even repeat that as the chorus for like ever.
The leader sings a duo with her about this subject, and that is mercifully short for about a minute.
And then it cuts from that to our ninth clip.
Who's that in my reception room?
It's only me, Magnificent One, Tom Prince.
You, Tom.
Why didn't you say so?
How are you, my boy?
Why so glum?
You, with every woman on the planet lusting after you.
I can't cut it anymore, Chief.
I'm going to have to step down.
But why?
You're the envy of every man alive.
It just isn't fun anymore.
I can't get up for it.
You Tom Prince the stud?
Oh, no, no, no.
I can get it up, sure.
Never any trouble there, but why should I?
These women just don't care.
You play a very important role here at Central.
You're the controller's designated surrogate.
Just think of it, centuries from now, this society will be studied and you will be...
You don't understand.
They don't have any feelings.
Their emotions have been repressed so long, they've forgotten what passion was ever like.
Wrong.
Oh, I know exactly how they feel.
I should say I know exactly how they don't feel.
If you should assume my role for a change, if you filled the work orders...
I refuse to be ridiculed.
No, if they learn for one minute that I'm impotent...
Then you just have to change the laws.
Make love and sex open to everyone like it used to be.
That's out of the question.
Everyone would love you for it.
Everyone loves me now.
People on our planet don't even know how to love anymore.
It's only a memory.
Nonsense.
You're not alone with them like I am.
Of course not.
It's vile.
Disgusting.
Besides, that's what I have you for.
You'll feel differently after the annual ball next week.
Yes.
But is that wise, with feelings running the way they are?
Oh, people are getting pretty fed up with the way things are.
This anti-sex program, it's against everyone's nature.
Why not make this year's ball really democratic?
Democratic?
Look, that's disgusting.
Oh, believe me, it's good politics.
Why everyone will know that you don't just favor the people here at Central, but that you are truly our merciful controller.
Well, I'm beginning to like that idea.
Oh, but who in the world would I invite?
Why not let the computer decide?
Let it make a random decision and invite new people here from far and wide.
You can't trust computers.
Oh, believe me, it'll be the talk of the land.
The great controller's uncontrolled masquerade ball.
At this point, you'll go down in history as our most benevolent controller.
You really mean it?
I can feel it.
I'm beginning to feel it myself.
The great controller's uncontrolled masquerade ball.
Let's do it, then.
No, it's not.
See how it's addressed?
It's addressed to the foxiest lady in the house, and baby, that's me.
I'm invited to the controller's uncontrolled masquerade ball.
Here's another one.
You left it in the mailbox.
That's mine.
Give it to me.
That is addressed to Occupant.
That's me, Occupant.
Wow.
The great controller's uncontrolled masquerade ball.
Dale, it's arrived.
The uncontrolled ball.
A chance to really freak out once and for all.
Isn't that a dumb name for a party?
For Christ's sake, lady, spread your legs.
You really mean that?
You have to get your hand out.
It's illegal.
Illegal, illegal.
Everything that feels good is illegal.
When was the last time you boys had a real good fuck?
Don't say it.
Ouch.
Then let's do it.
All they talk about in this movie is sex, sex, sex.
What's a robot to do?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
You never know there's always a Roscoe around.
This clip ends with the robot singing a song lamenting his inability to fuck as well.
This devolves into a terrible dance routine that takes up an unquantifiably long amount of time on screen.
I started fast forwarding through it until it was done because there was no dialogue, there was no singing.
It was just this terrible choreography just wasting all of our time.
Yeah, it really was.
It was not good.
This is some of the most unbearable garbage I have ever seen in a long time, in a very long time.
And it's the worst kind of fucking padding.
Like, I have multiple complaints in my notes that I'm not even going to bother reading off.
I'm just going to summarize it with what I just said there.
Probably a good idea.
Well, this finally fucking ends, and it cuts from that to a woman crying alone in bed when Master Blaster comes in.
I shit you not.
And that is our tenth clip.
Don't cry.
Why are you crying?
Everything will be alright.
No, it won't.
Everybody is going to the ball but me.
I want to be on control too.
I want to have fun.
But Snow White, it's not your movie.
It's Cinderella's.
I don't care.
I'm just as pretty as she is.
Oh, can I have a prince too?
You will.
You will.
But there's nothing I can do about it right now.
And you, all of you are supposed to be my friends.
And here I lie, getting hornier and hornier, and he doesn't know what to do about it.
There must be some way.
Just let me think about it.
Maybe if I read up on this, I will find the answer.
That's it.
That's it.
I will consult my books.
What I need can't be found in any of your old books.
You'll never know.
We know what you need, Snow White.
This starts a sequence where that Snow White gets naked and the multitude of little men all gangbang the Snow White on screen.
Like I said, Snow White.
This is played for comedic effect with an attempt to somehow still be sexy, and it all fails as a hell of a time waster, pretty much.
Yeah.
It cuts from this to our eleventh clip.
There you are.
What are you doing fooling with those plants, you silly little fool?
They're already pretty.
So are you, Stella.
I am not.
You are a very beautiful woman.
I don't even have a thing to wear, and you're supposed to be fixing my dress.
Now come on.
Okay, I'll hem it for you.
You can slip into it again.
I'm going to be the ugliest one there.
Even Bella, that slob, is going to look better than me.
No, you're both going to look just lovely.
Now believe me.
Hold it there.
What are you doing working on her stuff?
What about my outfit?
Bella, it's coming along just fine.
I'll bet it is.
She's just jealous.
Don't mind her.
Of what?
You're just full of a lot of hot air.
I'll show you.
Ouch!
So what's wrong with you?
You're always picking on me.
Here, let's...
Let's go.
Please, don't come here.
You're gonna leave me alone.
Ouch!
Ouch!
You're gonna leave me alone, aren't you?
Legion!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Over there, over there.
You don't know anything about balloons.
That's why you deserve to be enforcers.
Atomaboy.
How are you?
Isn't this exciting?
Great idea.
I'm so excited, I haven't even been in my library yet today.
Library?
Did I say library?
That's what you said.
You really have the feeling, don't you, Chief?
Oh, Mercy, yes.
I haven't had so much fun since I had all that pornography stolen from Mars.
I can tell.
You're going to have the time of your life.
That was a great idea you came up with, letting the computers do the inviting, I mean.
Oh, that was your idea, and you know it, Tom Prince.
And a splendid one.
Do you really think it will be big with the peons and the little people?
That I'll be remembered for centuries to come, is it like you said?
Oh, I'm sure of it, Chief.
It's an emancipating thing you're doing.
It is?
Bring my slippers, my red slippers, right now, Cindy.
What difference does it make?
You're not going to get laid anyway.
You just never know.
Ha ha, double hop.
Look what you made me do.
No, no, wait, please, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
I'm not going to wear it.
Good, I'll go alone.
Now, look, I've got enough material.
It'll take just a minute to stitch it up.
What about the sequins and the rhinestones?
Bella, I can't possibly...
Do you think I'm going to let that bitch look better than me?
Bella, my hands are all full of holes.
Oh, quit your bellyaching.
You're just jealous because you're not going.
She was invited.
I'd stay home.
Why am I hot?
It's not work.
I don't believe it.
I've never seen anything like this before.
I have, but it was a long time ago.
What did you do?
Plan B.
Our ride's here.
Come on.
See you, losers.
There are just a few more stitches.
No, that's enough.
You'd like to be going, but let's face it, kid, you don't have it.
Maybe next year.
Sure.
See you soon.
Yes, don't wait up.
This goes into a fantasy dance sequence where the Prince and Cinderella do a ballroom dance in a forest for what I assume is budgetary reasons.
Yeah, I mean, you know, they didn't have the budget for that.
And that ends with the appearance of the Godfather in our 12th clip.
Well, get a move on.
You're not even dressed.
For what?
For the ball, of course.
The Godfather, I wasn't invited in.
Besides, I have nothing to wear.
No problem.
I'm well connected in that department.
Oh, my wand, yes.
This starts a sequence where the Godfather uses the wand trying to get an appropriate outfit and fails multiple times for what is supposed to be funny and comedic purposes, but is just terrible.
I mean, again, the humor does not land.
The best one is when she is just completely naked because that's a thank you movie because it was funny and she seems embarrassed for a second, but I mean, the actress chose this, so it's fine.
Yeah.
But they then get to what is supposed to be the correct gown, and that leads to our thirteenth clip.
Should have taken it back when it was still on warranty.
No, no, no, you'll ruin your make up.
Godfather, this is like my dream come true.
I beg your pardon.
Dreams are not my bag.
I deal in the real thing.
Godfather, Godfather, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are the greatest very Godfather in the whole, whole world.
Of course.
Who did you think you were dealing with?
But save your kisses for the ball.
You'll have a chance to use them soon enough.
But Godfather, I am so excited.
Feel love and sexual emancipation.
Remember, that's the theme of the ball tonight.
Sex?
Or vacation, then.
But you must set a good example, Cindy.
Our time here on earth is almost through.
I'm due on Saturday, the first thing in the morning.
Oh dear, dear.
We must get to move on.
But Godfather, how shall I get there?
I'll be awfully late.
Hello, what's this?
Interesting.
You're all...
No, of course not.
Handy little gadget.
Now remember, tonight, you're going to be dating the Goddess of Love.
You have a chance to strike a blow for free love everywhere.
Blow?
Bad choice of words.
Now get to move on, and remember, you must be back by midnight.
I have a date on Venus.
At the end of the clip, the personal pocket rocket is turned into a car in a cut to the outside world, and she is sent off to get some fucking done.
And that takes us over the hour and eleven minute mark, leaving us just about thirty-ish or so minutes to go to finish this fucking off finally.
Jesus, yeah, come on, let's go.
Nothing to add, you're just ready to be done with it.
I mean, what is there to add to any of this?
It's a fucking musical.
Yeah, okay, that's fine.
The run to the end starts with a cut to women conversing.
One of them is nude, save for a robe draped across her arms.
They discuss how long it has been since they have had sex, and then that leads into our next clip.
I was afraid you weren't going to show up.
I'm here.
You look lovely.
Would you like a cigarette?
No, thank you.
Just relax.
You do want to do this, don't you?
Yeah.
How long has it been?
It's been a long time.
Two years.
That's something you never forget, believe me.
It still feels good.
Yeah, but it's illegal.
Nonsense.
On this planet, you have to take whatever you can get.
But I've never been with a girl.
It'll feel good.
You'll see.
Yeah, buddy.
With that, the pair get making with The Fucking, and tits are on screen this whole time, so that's at least a thank you movie, and for this small favor at least.
Yeah.
Just as it starts to really get going, The Fucking Robot shows up to ruin it for everyone.
The ladies try to seduce him, and it fails.
Then the film cuts to Cinderella arriving in her car and into the quote unquote fornication ball, I guess is what they're going to call it.
I really don't know what's going on here.
The masquerade ball underwhelms as its most grandiose things do in Adamson films, it's just really not that impressive.
No, this is all just pretty much terrible.
Yeah, it's very sparsely populated ballroom with some dancing in it.
I wouldn't really call it a ballroom dance.
No, yeah, no, it's fucking, it's just, it's gyrating in a room.
Yeah, and it's supposed to be like this fornication ball, but there's no real fucking or anything worthwhile going on watching.
And there's just takes fucking forever.
There's nothing going on.
It's just so much screen time is just wasted with them slowly gyrating in general directions at each other as a ballroom dancing.
But you need that hour, 40 minute runtime, man.
Cinderella arrives and the prince is immediately smitten with her as they meet on the dance floor.
The boring ass ballroom dancing starts up again and then switches over to the Yakety Sax dancing for a second, then jumps back to formal ballroom dancing.
This is some of the worst fucking padding yet.
And it finally fucking ends with our 15th clip.
You dance beautifully.
Who are you?
I am Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty.
You certainly are.
There must be someplace we can be alone here, yes?
Why, yes.
Yes, of course.
Right this way.
Who is that bitch?
Where did she come from?
I don't know, but I wish it were me.
Is this private enough?
Do you really sleep here?
Among other things.
Sit down, see if you like it.
How do you feel about free love?
I beg your pardon?
That is what it is called, I believe.
I thought you said free love there for a moment.
Everyone knows that love making is against the law.
That is only because our controller is a tyrant, it is not what the people want.
I think that it is unjust.
You're beautiful.
But are you trying to get us arrested because what I'm thinking is against the law?
There's no doubt about it.
But then you must think that that is a dumb law, because making love can be very beautiful.
Or at least my godfather thinks so.
I don't know.
I've never been in a position to know.
Then I think it is time that we found out for ourselves, because you see, we will never have a better chance, Tom.
I've never known anyone like you.
I don't believe this is really happening.
Sooner than you know, everyone's going to be doing this.
You will see.
The controller would never allow it.
He thinks it will corrupt us.
Do you feel corrupt?
I feel great.
Stella, it's almost midnight, and we haven't even had a nibble yet.
I mean, have you seen anything that looks halfway decent around here?
Sure, Prince Charming, but it looks like the prince has already nabbed him.
They look like virgins anyway.
Have you ever done this before?
Me neither.
Not in heaven feel like this.
I don't even know who you are.
For fuck's sakes.
Jesus Christ.
And with this, the camera does a spinning shot of the spinning bed while the two actors writhe naked at each other.
No, that's really what happens.
They writhe naked at each other.
Yeah, at each other.
In what is supposed to be a lovemaking, but it is just this dizzying mess of caresses on a turntable and as boring as fuck to look at.
Except for the nudity, that's still a thank you movie.
I mean, that's thank you.
I mean, you're always going to thank somebody for some nudity.
They cut from this to our 16th clip.
Whatever happened to young Tom Prince?
I'm sure he's keeping busy.
This is love.
Everyone should have it.
This one's for you, Godfather.
But who are you?
Now just a minute, Roscoe.
We were not fornicating.
We were making love, my Prince Charming and I.
That's right.
But my name is Tom Prince.
Look at the lips.
Now wait a minute, Roscoe.
Apparently you've forgotten about that time I caught you making it with that x-ray machine.
God, it's midnight.
Wait!
No, don't go!
It'll be alright!
Don't let me go, you fools!
Don't let her go!
This yours, ma'am.
So you want a woman?
Go play with your computer.
So maybe you're tired of computer roulette.
Or maybe you want somebody all your own, huh?
I just got this catalog from Denmark.
Pick yourself out a bionic woman.
Good, I'll pay for it.
And we can sneak it through customs, and you will have it for the weekend.
You don't understand, Chief.
I don't want anybody else but her.
I talked to the doorman, ran a tracer through all the computers.
Apparently she wasn't one of the invited.
Tom, you stand them upside down, and they all look, look the same.
That's what they tell me.
Not this one, Chief.
She's something special.
You don't know what she looks like.
How are you going to know when you found her?
Finder, my boy, finder.
Yes, I can't have my super stud moping around here like an undertaker.
You're on leave of absence as of right now.
Do you really mean it?
I think I mean it.
Yes, I mean it, I mean it.
Finder, my boy, yes.
Take whatever measures you have to.
Yes, bend the rules just this once.
But Finder, I want to have a look at this creature for myself.
Who said you're not human?
Someone said that?
He may never return.
Jesus fucking Christ.
This starts the film's idea of a glass slipper search in that the Prince Charming goes on a fucking tour of all the ladies only to find their genitals lacking and not the perfect fit for his fuck, I guess, or whatever it was that he got from Cinderella.
Not the perfect fit for his hog.
This would have been padding if not for all of the nudity, and they do all the fucking a little too fast to the speed for me.
But the bullshit finally ends with a shot of Cinderella and our 17th clip.
November 21st, 2047, dear diary.
Oh, diary, it all seems like such a dream to me now.
Nothing is real anymore.
Not my godfather or my beautiful gown or the music or the dancing or...
My handsome prince is not real.
Nothing is real.
Nothing is real.
Except that tingling feeling I get between my legs when I think of him.
The Controller's sexual surrogate is on his way down our street right now!
Christ, I've got a douche!
Did someone say sex?
Hear ye, hear ye.
By proclamation...
Hey, cut the lip.
Bring on...
Hello, hello, handsome.
I hear you have the best meat and potatoes in town.
Is it kosher?
Oh, god.
Thirty seconds.
Goddamn lousy thirty seconds.
He says pointless to continue.
I mean, it's pointless.
It's more like sexless.
I'm never gonna get my rocks off.
You just have to calm down.
Someday the right guy is gonna come along.
You just have to have faith.
Faith?
My faith is all dried up.
It's gone to sea.
You better get in there fast, Sin, before Mom scares them off.
You really think I should?
What the hell?
Sure, you might as well get shut out, too.
Quick, quick, we got a bad case of the hornies.
The hornies?
We've got to get this woman to the clinic.
Well, who are you?
This is the man I told you about.
My fairy godfather, Tom.
Oh, yes, I know, Tom Prince.
You don't think his being here is a mistake, do you?
This is a little much.
It's been a rough week.
Okay, break it up, break it up, break it up.
We've got work to do.
The controller is waiting for us.
You and you and ding!
Who are you?
Oh, mighty and merciful one, you are about to have a whole new world open to you.
You and your silly little people have lived in the dark ages long enough.
Cindy, enlighten me.
Play upon the flute.
Make the music that will make this planet dance once again.
Godfather, I...
He's right.
Bring forth the joy that you brought to me so the whole world can join us.
Real love is not a selfish act, Cindy.
I am a virgin.
Was.
Past tense.
Godfather, that was different.
I mean, with my time, it was holy.
So is this.
You have our blessings in that of the whole universe.
With this, she starts to suck the controller's cock because she was coaxed into doing it, and he says while she's trying to do it that it never works for him, but somehow she is magical, and it works for him to get his dick sucked by her, and he fucking comes.
This changes his mind about sex, I guess, and that leads to our ultimate clip.
Okay, I'll get one of my own.
I was hoping you would.
This is exhilarating.
We thought you'd like it.
Then this would be good for everybody.
Glad you see it that way.
Bye.
I'll make a proclamation.
Yes.
Tonight is a very festive occasion.
There will be lovemaking again in the land.
But no fornication.
Fornication is a mod in favor of lovely will-o-hear-on.
And that starts a horny fucking sequence set to the We All Need Love song that you heard there playing at the very end.
That bullshit lasts for over a minute when the horny evil stepmom comes on to the fairy godmother who just splits, and the film's runtime is padded out to more flashbacks of things already set to that song about how everybody needs love.
It's a bunch of flashbacks of everything we've already saw.
And then it finally fucking rolls those fucking credits.
This was fucking terrible.
Oh yeah, just horrible.
Yeah, this was the flaming shits.
This is one of the worst ones that we've had to endure.
And the, I'm gonna just be honest, I fast forwarded through all the musical performances, because basically it would just be a repeatable chorus and then a verse that was pretty much the same thing as a repeatable chorus, that was the line leading into it that they said.
Like the guy said, we all need love, the song, we all need love was just the chorus, we all need love.
And then talking about how we all need love for like four minutes.
All you need is love.
Sort of.
And then the, I can't, I haven't had it in forever, or whatever that line is that the lady says, and then her blues song about not getting laid, that's the chorus and everybody repeats it, and every verse is about that.
Like I said, it does absolutely nothing to further the plot.
Not that a musical number needs to really necessarily further a plot, but it also should at least be entertaining.
And the dance routine should be something that keeps you distracted from the fact that you're watching a goddamn musical.
Because a musical asks you to go with them in breaking a fourth wall in that just randomly people break into song and dance and everybody joins in.
And then it goes right back to as if this flash mob thing did not happen.
Like you have to have that level of willing suspension of your disbelief to just go along with a musical to begin with.
And then calling attention to the fact that you keep doing this to pad out your film for no other reason, and just break into song without actually building up to the musical numbers or anything like that.
And it just is like a phrase and then boom, musical number, is essentially just basically telling you, no, you don't even have to do this for the disbelief.
We don't give a fuck.
Here's time wasted.
That's all they're doing.
Yeah, pretty much.
It's just, I don't know what was the musical parts of this.
It could have taken off.
This could have been, this should have been an hour and 23 minute long movie.
Right.
And the fuck sequences are actually relatively boring as well.
Although the nudity in this is pretty right there.
I mean, there's a sequence where a guy rolls over and his balls kind of pop out between his legs.
And you do get to see a lot more of Full Frontal than what normally would probably be in any like a typical softcore sex film, for sure.
There's a lot of great nudity that's actually pretty fucking decent.
And the Lady of the Place Cinderella, she's like the best performer on basically all fronts, but is still not quite cutting it.
The stepsisters are unbelievably annoying.
And the stepmother's horny sequences are painful and unbearable to watch.
And listen to it as a plug.
Everything about this fucking movie just fucking fails.
This is the kind of movie that you play when you want people to leave your fucking house.
Yeah, right.
It's like, man, I wish this party'd get over with already.
Oh, yeah, I know what to do.
Cinderella 2000 will clear a fucking room.
People are like, what the fuck is this?
We're never coming over again.
This is the movie that I will play the next time Matt's in my house just to get him to leave.
Yeah, I will leave.
This is for normal people to leave.
I'm a fucking weirdo.
I'll be like, oh, shit, we saw Cinderella?
I want to sing along.
You probably would, too.
That's the worst part about you.
So let's just fucking end the review stuff and then I'll have to come up with a story time.
Yeah.
Up next.
Up next on the Pirate Radio Edit, we're going to have the Dead Boys once again with the song What Love Is, also from 1977.
And then immediately following that, we'll have a story time.
All right, that is the fucking Dead Boys, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, I got up to dance a little bit there, not just because my watch told me I needed to stand up because I was really enjoying that song.
Don't let technology tell you what to do.
Can't we just watch this fucking movie?
Well, let me explain to you how I had seen my first softcore Cinderella porn film in our next storytime.
Story time.
Okay, so this is probably my first New Year's Eve after starting college.
And I started college like later in like the fall, like around October, November, like late October, early November is when I actually started college from after I graduated.
So it would be like around like 98 going into 99, because I like just did a summer and then went right to college.
Okay, so right around there.
So it would probably be like the New Year's Eve 98 to 99, give or take.
I'm back from college and I'm hanging out with some friends.
And there's like some people that I went to college with who ended up being, it's really hard to explain, but without getting into like too much of the social dynamics, like a friend of mine ended up dating someone who their best friend went to college with me.
And this friend of mine had moved to the town where they were from.
And we all ended up, like this guy and I ended up at the college and we all just kind of started hanging out that year, like for that New Year's Eve, that's what we decided to do.
And we're all hanging out and partying and everything.
And so the next day after the New Year's Eve, when like, or like a day or two later, they're all still in town where we're all kind of hanging out and they all bring over like this Cinderella porn film thing that they rented or thinking that it was a Cinderella porn film.
And it turns out to be like this softcore musical.
And I guess it was edited, but they bring over this tape, right?
And they're at my parents' house.
They want to watch it with me.
Oh, Jesus.
Matt, you know sort of stories about my parents and everything.
Like my mom, you know, forced me to go to church.
She's ultra religious.
My dad is very much a like under no circumstances kind of guy about a lot of things.
And they want to watch this Cinderella softcore porn film at my house.
And I'm like, you know what?
I'm a fucking adult now.
You know, I'm 18.
I'm in college.
Why not?
So we go off to like this downstairs little like like TV room area that everybody hangs out.
I put it on and I kept it turned down.
Nobody really like paid attention to it or anything.
But once the musical portions of this started happening, everybody immediately was regretting that they brought this tape over.
And I was like, no, no, you guys chose to bring this to my house.
We're going to let this play.
You are not stopping it.
Yeah.
And so I proceeded to flip the script on them and torture them with the thing that they were trying to do, I think, to kind of get a little joke on me to bring that tape.
And I'm going to be a gentleman and not tell the story about anything that happened the night before at the party and to why these folks were back at my house.
Just because while there may be a statute of limitations on some things that I've done that is or is not illegal, there's no statute of limitations on broken hearts we've left along the way.
Am I right?
Yeah, right.
No, there's not.
That can come where I can haunt you, motherfucker.
Exactly.
So I'm just going to keep this above board and not tell any other tales other than that.
Like I'm just going to move on past that.
That's how I saw it.
They rented it.
It was one of those things that I had seen at the video store, you know, a couple of different times.
And I'd looked over and I went, wow, this looks like it's going to be really bad.
I wonder who would ever actually rent that.
And then these folks show up at my house with my parents there thinking that they're going to embarrass me like on day two after New Year's Eve.
No embarrassment.
Yeah, it didn't embarrass people like that.
Yeah, I was just like, all right, guys, you know, my parents are not cool with this kind of thing.
Let's just go downstairs.
You know, just chill.
It'll be fine.
But like, you know, can you keep it a little bit quiet?
Can you have a little bit of a little bit of cool?
Yes, be cool.
Be cool.
Yeah.
Don't you have to be so loud about the fact that you ran into Cinderella porn that's apparently a musical that you have to say so loud?
I mean, Jesus Christ, that just sounds weird to even brag about.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I grew up.
We did a show about it.
Yeah.
That's the story of something that happened to me.
Nice.
We finished it.
It was awful.
But it was still better than this.
Yeah.
By the way, the Alice in Wonderland porn one that I mentioned is probably the best musical and adult film combination that I've ever seen.
Probably, because I think I know what you're talking about, because I think I've seen it too.
I'm pretty sure everybody's seen that one.
It made the circuit like our age group.
You had Cinemax, you saw it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So just a cut down version of it without the actual hardcore penetration scenes.
But there was still a lot of nudity.
Yeah.
Exactly.
If Alice fell into a lake and then two rabbits licked her body clean and dry, then you saw the right one.
Yes.
Yes.
That's exactly what it is.
I forget that part.
That one's back.
All right then.
We're going to take the break now and play our show Housekeeping and then meet you following that for the pirate radio edit.
We're going to go ahead and play some Iggy Pop with the song Lust for Life because it was also in 1977 when it was released just like this film and it fits with the horniness of the movie right after this.
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Thanks I'm gonna have to fucking edit that so that we can get the actual lyrics playing on there and slide some things around, but that's fine, it'll work out fine in the way I edit it.
Well, it's working for right now.
All right, that is Iggy Pop's Lust For Life, which everybody probably knows if they've seen, I don't know, Trainspotting probably is what would make that the most famous, that I think the people would know that it's from.
Yeah, probably.
Unless you caught that one, like, Carnival Cruise commercial that stole the song out of Trainspotting because it was so popular in Trainspotting, they decided to use it.
Yeah, I keep forgetting.
Yeah, I always was like, God, why do they seem more familiar than just Trainspotting because of the fucking commercial?
Yeah, well, if you are just as upset as I am about the commercialization of Lust for Life from E-Pop, just realize that he probably made a whole buttload of money from that and kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch.
Well, you enjoy yet another commercialized band of Meat Loaf and the song Paradise by The Dashboard Lights on the Pirate Reggae Web.
It'll be a new season.
Who dis?
That's fucking funny.
Let's record.
Recording in progress.
There we go.
Everything's recorded.
That way if we screw up, it's all on record.
I suppose so.
You hear this?
Yes, I hear it.
All right, and that is my stuff, my notes.
And let me get this so I can actually read it.
I don't know why it just doesn't default to the fit view for an explorer.
Like whenever you're on Chrome, like, you know, your Chrome view, like any kind of like Internet Explorer link or whatever, whatever you want to call it, your fucking web browser.
Why doesn't it just-
Web browsers.
Yeah, whenever you pull up whatever web browser you use, why doesn't Google Docs automatically go to fit mode for that and then let you choose from back from there?
Because sometimes Google got to be a dick.
I guess, I don't fucking know.
Anyway, we're rolling, and I should probably not take any more hits because I can't even think of the word web browser.
So that's probably a good sign.
Rolling, rolling, rolling, see, new metal, rolling, rolling.
Now you're gonna let everybody know we're recording these out of order.
Even though we've copped to it for like every single time, so it doesn't matter.
Ah, shit, I fucked everything up.
All right, let's roll.
Here we go.
Be nice if that actually worked.
Here we go.
Ah, shit.
Okay, hang on a second.
I gotta fix this anyway.
Three, two, one.
If you are just as upset as I am about the commercialization of Lust for Life from Iggy Pop, just realize that he probably made a whole buttload of money from that and kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch.
Well, you enjoy yet another commercialized band of Meat Loaf and the song Paradise by the Dashboard Lights on the Pirate Radio Edit.
God, Meat Loaf's a fucking shit ton of fun.
Yes, so fucking good.
Yeah.
So good I didn't want to stop it, but we also have to fucking stop this.
Yes, I get going.
Recording stopped.