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Welcome to Happening in Henderson, the weekly show where hosts Mark and Joleen serve up Henderson’s news with equal parts insight, cynicism, and sharp-edged humor. From local headlines and community events to crime updates, school district drama, weather forecasts, sports highlights, and brutally honest restaurant reviews, nothing is off limits.
Whether you’re a lifelong local or new to the 890xx life, this is the place to stay informed… without falling asleep.
MARK: Welcome to another glorious Monday, March twenty-third, twenty-twenty-six, here on 'Happening in Henderson'. I'm your host Mark, and I'm currently wondering which version of hell we've been dropped into because my car thermometer just told me to go fuck myself. It's too early in the year for this heat, and yet, here we are, melting like a forgotten popsicle on a Water Street sidewalk.
JOLEEN: It's absolutely miserable, Mark. I'm Joleen, and I'm upbeat in the sense that I'm happy we haven't actually spontaneously combusted yet, but I'm cynical enough to know that the city probably has a plan to tax us for the extra sweat we're producing. Seriously though, it's ninety-five degrees in March. Who did we piss off? Was it the desert gods? Or just the ghost of some disgruntled developer?
MARK: It's definitely the developers. They've replaced so much dirt with asphalt that the city is basically just one giant heat sink now. But hey, at least we're the second safest city in the country, right? You might get third-degree burns from your steering wheel, but nobody's going to steal your toasted car. Probably. That's the Henderson dream, isn't it? Safety and sweat.
JOLEEN: Safety and sweat, that's the new city slogan. Forget 'A Place to Call Home'. It should be 'Henderson: Don't Touch the Metal'. We've got a lot to get through today, mostly because the world is falling apart and we're the only ones brave enough or stupid enough to talk about it while we wait for the AC to kick in. If you want to reach out and tell us how much you hate the heat, or just hate us, email us at henderson@thehappeningnetwork.com. We love the hate mail, honestly. It's the only thing that keeps us cool.
MARK: We've got some actual news to cover besides my personal grievances with the sun. There's a ninety-nine-year-old woman in town named Nellie who's making us all look like absolute assholes. She was repairing World War II warplanes when she was seventeen. Meanwhile, most seventeen-year-olds today can't even figure out how to put a fucking case on their phone without watching a tutorial. She's a goddamn legend.
JOLEEN: Nellie is incredible. She was literally holding the world together with rivets while we're out here complaining that the Starbucks drive-thru at The District is taking more than four minutes. It puts things in perspective, doesn't it? She's nearly a century old and still remembers the tail end of the Great Depression and a world war. I'm over here losing my mind because my favorite taco spot changed their salsa recipe. I'm a pathetic human being, Mark.
MARK: You're not that pathetic, Joleen. You're just a product of our pampered Henderson environment. But speaking of losing your mind, did you see that a new brain-training clinic opened up on Water Street? It's called the Integrative Wellness Clinic. They specialize in something called neurofeedback. Apparently, they hook you up to a machine that monitors your brainwaves and shows you fractal images to 'teach' your brain to be better. It sounds like something out of a low-budget sci-fi movie from the eighties.
JOLEEN: I've heard about that! They use weird sounds and shifting patterns to retrain your brain. It's for people with ADHD or anxiety, or just people like me who've spent too much time scrolling through TikTok and now have the attention span of a goldfish on meth. The founder, Jillian Wendelin, says it's like a trainer for your brain. I'm skeptical, because usually when someone tells me they want to look at my brainwaves, they're trying to sell me a cult membership or a very expensive blender.
MARK: Hey, if it works, it works. Nevada is ranked dead last in mental health, so if staring at fractals and listening to beeps keeps people from losing their shit at the DMV, I'm all for it. They chose Water Street because people kept complaining about the drive to their other office. God forbid a Henderson resident has to drive more than fifteen minutes for anything. We're so spoiled it's actually disgusting.
JOLEEN: We really are. But maybe that brain training can help people drive better, because the latest stats on school safety are absolutely terrifying. Did you see the report from CCSD? Over three hundred students have been hit by cars while going to or from school since the start of the school year. Three hundred! That's more than one kid a day getting smacked by a two-ton metal box because some asshole was too busy checking their emails to look for a crosswalk.
MARK: It's a fucking epidemic. And the kicker is that nearly half of them were on e-bikes or electric scooters. These kids are flying around at thirty miles an hour on these glorified dirt bikes with zero protection and even less common sense. I see them weaving through traffic like they're in a video game, and the drivers are just as bad. It's a miracle the number isn't higher.
JOLEEN: The district finally did something about it, or at least they tried. They had this 'Safe Travels Day' over at Mannion Middle School. They were handing out free helmets and bike lights to students. It's a nice gesture, but it feels a bit like giving a band-aid to someone who's about to jump into a pit of lions. The police were there telling kids that head injuries can cause 'severe brain damage'. No shit, Sherlock. Maybe we should also tell them that red lights aren't optional.
MARK: I'm sure the kids listened for exactly four seconds before putting the helmet on their handlebars and popping a wheelie into oncoming traffic. The law says anyone under eighteen has to wear one, but when was the last time you saw a kid in Henderson actually buckled into a helmet? It's not 'cool'. You know what else isn't cool? Being a vegetable because you wanted to look edgy on your way to seventh-period history.
JOLEEN: You're such a ray of sunshine, Mark. But honestly, the parents are the ones I want to scream at. They buy these five-thousand-dollar e-bikes for their twelve-year-olds and then act shocked when the kid gets clipped by a minivan. It's ridiculous. Use your brains, people. Or go to that clinic on Water Street and get some new ones. Either way, stop letting your children play in traffic on motorized toys.
MARK: Let's pivot to something that doesn't make me want to walk into the lake. I went to Me Gusta Tacos at The District recently. I know, I know, it's a chain-adjacent vibe because of the location, but they're doing some weirdly good stuff over there. They have these Korean Kalbi tacos and pork belly tacos that actually made me forget about the heat for about ten minutes. It's Mexican-fusion, which usually means 'we don't know how to cook real food', but they actually pull it off.
JOLEEN: I love that place! Their street corn is basically a religious experience. And they don't serve soda, they have those homemade frescas. It feels very 'healthy' even though I'm usually shoving three carnitas tacos and a side of tater tots into my face. The pork belly one is my favorite. It's fatty, salty, and perfect. It's the kind of food that makes you forgive Henderson for being so corporate and beige.
MARK: The portions are decent for the price too. Most places in The District charge you twenty bucks for the privilege of sitting near a splash pad, but Me Gusta is actually reasonable. The staff is almost suspiciously friendly. I kept waiting for the catch, like they were going to ask me to join a timeshare, but no, they just really wanted me to enjoy my burrito. It was refreshing. Highly recommend it if you're looking for a quick bite that isn't a depressing sandwich from a grocery store.
JOLEEN: Speaking of things that are fast and high-energy, we've got a major sports weekend coming up. Major League Indoor Soccer is bringing their finals to the Orleans Arena on March twenty-eighth and twenty-ninth. I didn't even know indoor soccer was a thing people watched professionally, but apparently, it's like regular soccer but with more walls and a lot more scoring. The Las Vegas Turf Monsters are the local partners, and it's supposed to be this huge championship showcase.
MARK: Indoor soccer is basically hockey with a ball and fewer teeth lost. It's incredibly fast. They've got the top men's and women's teams coming in from all over North America. If you've never been to the Orleans Arena, it's a great spot for this kind of thing. It's close enough to the Strip to be exciting but far enough away that you don't feel like you're being hunted by street performers. Tickets are on sale now, and they're even doing an amateur tournament at Big League Dreams at the same time.
JOLEEN: It's a whole 'Soccer Championship Weekend'. It sounds exhausting, but if you're into the sport, it's probably better than watching the Raiders find new and creative ways to break our hearts. Plus, we've got some Silver Knights news! Raphael Lavoie was named the AHL Player of the Week. He's been on an absolute tear. Eight points in four games? Five goals? The guy is playing like he's possessed by the spirit of a much more successful hockey player.
MARK: Lavoie is the real deal. He had two-goal games against the Calgary Wranglers and the Texas Stars just this past week. He's a six-foot-four beast. He's actually the first Silver Knight to get Player of the Week this entire season. It's about time we had some individual brilliance to cheer for. He's spent a little time with the Golden Knights too, so we might be seeing more of him in the big league if he keeps this up. Hopefully, he doesn't get traded for a draft pick and a bag of pucks.
JOLEEN: Don't jinx it, Mark. We need some talent in this town that doesn't immediately leave for a bigger paycheck. But let's talk about the talent on the Henderson City Council. They finally approved the design phase for the I-eleven and I-two-fifteen interchange revamp. They're calling it the 'Henderson Spaghetti Bowl' project. Because clearly, what our lives were missing was more construction near Lake Mead Parkway.
MARK: It's a five-million-dollar design contract. The whole goal is to fix that nightmare where the I-eleven northbound flyover merges into the two-fifteen. It's a total choke point. They're going to widen the two-fifteen westbound all the way to Stephanie Street and restripe the ramps. The good news, if you can call it that, is they're trying to time it with the current widening project so they don't have to tear everything up twice.
JOLEEN: Oh, that's cute. They think they can coordinate construction projects. I'll believe that when I can drive from Gibson to Green Valley without hitting a single orange cone. They say this interchange handles one hundred ninety thousand vehicles a day, and it's supposed to hit nearly three hundred thousand by twenty-forty. If they don't fix it now, we're all going to be living in our cars by the time the project is finished in twenty-twenty-eight.
MARK: Twenty-twenty-eight? That's optimistic. In Henderson time, that means my grandkids might see the finished product. But hey, it's progress. At least they recognized that the current setup is a death trap. I just love how the city manager and the councilmen are all patting themselves on the back for 'bringing the right players to the table'. It's five million dollars for drawings, guys. Let's wait until the actual paving starts before we throw a parade.
JOLEEN: A parade would just cause more traffic anyway. Let's check in on the real estate market, which is somehow still a thing despite the world being on fire. The median list price in Henderson is sitting at five hundred forty-five thousand dollars right now. That's actually down slightly from last year, but it's still a seller's market. Homes are sitting for about seventy-six days on average, which is much longer than the frenzy we saw a couple of years ago.
MARK: People are finally having a chance to breathe and actually look at the house before they sign away thirty years of their life. There are nearly three thousand active listings in the city. If you're looking for luxury, MacDonald Highlands is still the king with a median price of four point one million. I'm sure all our listeners have that just sitting under their mattresses. But for the rest of us, it's a balanced market. Sellers are actually being flexible, which is a nice change from the 'take it or leave it and also give me your firstborn' attitude of twenty-twenty-four.
JOLEEN: I'm just waiting for the 'Lifestyle' they keep selling. I saw an ad for a house that said it was in a 'quiet, low-traffic neighborhood'. In Henderson? That's a bold-faced lie. Everywhere in this city is a high-traffic neighborhood now. But the stats say we're still safe and the schools are decent, so people keep moving here. We've got two hundred forty new listings this week alone. It's like a game of musical chairs with stucco houses.
MARK: Musical chairs with higher interest rates. It's the Henderson way. Speaking of things to do this weekend, we've got more than just soccer. The 'Battle of the Bands' is happening at Water Street Plaza on Friday and Saturday. It's part of the city's signature event lineup. I love a good battle of the bands. It's usually four hours of teenage angst followed by one band that actually knows how to tune their guitars.
JOLEEN: And don't forget the Nevada State All-American Girl Pageant! It's running from Friday to Sunday. They've got divisions from babies to twenty-six-year-olds. It's a whole thing--interviews, party wear, 'playtime' for the little ones. It's at a private venue, but it draws a huge crowd. If you want to see the future titleholders of Nevada, that's where they'll be. I'm sure it's much more dignified than the 'Battle of the Bands', but probably just as stressful for the parents.
MARK: I'll stick to the bands. At least they're allowed to be loud and messy. There's also a 'Bunny's Breakfast Bash' at Dave and Buster's on Sunday. Because nothing says 'I'm a good parent' like feeding your kid pancakes in a dark room filled with arcade noises and blinking lights. It's nine in the morning on a Sunday. Have some respect for yourselves, people.
JOLEEN: Oh, hush. The kids love it. It's nearly Easter, let them have their fun before the heat makes us all stay inside for the next six months. Speaking of which, let's get into this weather forecast so we can all officially start crying. Today is Monday, and we're looking at a high of ninety-five. Tomorrow, Tuesday, is ninety-four. Wednesday, ninety-six. It doesn't drop below ninety until Friday.
MARK: It's absolutely disgusting. March is supposed to be the month where we can actually enjoy the outdoors without needing a literal cooling vest. This is ten degrees above the average. If this is what March looks like, July is going to be a scorched-earth scenario. We might as well just pave the whole city over and turn it into a giant solar farm. At least we'd get some cheap electricity while we're being roasted alive.
JOLEEN: The low temperatures aren't even that low--they're staying in the upper sixties. There's no relief, Mark. The only good news is that by Sunday, we might see some clouds and it'll drop down to eighty-nine. Oh, joy. A cool eighty-nine degrees. I'll get my sweater ready. Seriously, stay hydrated, keep your pets off the pavement, and try not to yell at the tourists who are enjoying the 'nice warm weather'. They don't know any better.
MARK: They're idiots. But they're our idiots because they spend money here. That's about all the time we have before I go stick my head in the freezer. Thanks for tuning into 'Happening in Henderson'. If you like what we do, please like, subscribe, and leave a comment. Tell us your favorite place to hide from the sun. Or just tell us we're assholes. We're fine with both.
JOLEEN: Don't forget to email us at henderson@thehappeningnetwork.com. We want to hear your stories, your complaints, and your sightings of weird stuff on Water Street. Stay safe, stay cynical, and for the love of everything holy, wear a helmet if you're riding one of those stupid e-bikes. We don't want to report on you next week.
MARK: Exactly. Don't be a statistic. We'll be back on Wednesday to talk more about this heat and whatever else the city council decides to spend our money on. Have a mediocre Monday, Henderson.
JOLEEN: Bye, dickheads! See you in the furnace!