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Micro wisdom delivered to your ears every morning in voice notes ranging from 3 to 15 minutes long. Wisdom on how to live a healthier and more fulfilling life. Every podcast will ground you in the present moment to ensure you know what's important, the here and now.
Hello, my name is Allie and I am a cognitive behavioural therapist working for the NHS in West London. Now today I have a question for you. Do you have an inner critic? So by that I mean do you have that internal voice that is often telling you negative things about yourself, often giving you criticism when you never actually asked for it? Because I know that I certainly do, and lots of the people I work with certainly do as well.
Speaker 1:I wonder what kind of situations cause that inner critic to come up for you. When do you notice that your inner critic comes up? What kind of things do they say to you? Do you notice that your inner critic has maybe a particular type of voice or a tone of voice? Maybe they even have your own voice, or perhaps the voice of someone who criticised you at some point in your life.
Speaker 1:When I'm working with some of my patients on the inner critic, some of them find it helpful to actually make a little bit of a diary during the week when they notice that the inner critic comes out, and what they sound like, and what they say. And some of them even give their inner critic a personified image. Some people have said it's like the devil on their shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder. Some people have said it's like a dark cloud following them around. There's a well known metaphor in CBT of the poison parrot.
Speaker 1:It's like walking around with a parrot on your shoulder, like a pirate that's just saying horrible things to you over and over and over again, just parroting it back to you. So I wonder what form your critical thoughts take. What does your inner critic look like? And now I have a story for you to think about. So just imagine that there is a young child in school.
Speaker 1:Maybe to make this easier for you, there is a child in your life that you could imagine, or maybe even yourself as a child. Now just imagine that that child is struggling with a particular subject at school, perhaps they're struggling with maths, for example. And the teacher of their class notices that this child is falling behind. That they're just kind of sat there, staring into space a lot of the time in class. They have a look at their work and notice that this child has done barely even one or two of the problem set, whereas most of the other children in the class are well on their way to completing the task.
Speaker 1:So the teacher decides to make a real example of this young child, and tells the rest of the class to stop working, holds up this child's sheet, their worksheet, and says 'look, this person, this young child at the front, they've not done anything, anything this this lesson. What have they been doing? Messing about probably, daydreaming, staring into space. So she moves the child to the front of the room where they will get on with their work, away from their friends, under the gaze of the teacher, and knowing that the rest of the class knows that they have barely done any work today. Consider how that child might feel.
Speaker 1:Probably close to tears, probably really, really upset, probably feeling like a bit of a failure, and wondering what the others in the class will think of them. So, the next day, the child returns to class, but something's different today. The teacher is off sick, and there's a supply teacher coming for the day. And as they're working through their maths this teacher notices that this one child is sat at the front away from everybody else. And the supply teacher wonders what's going on here.
Speaker 1:So the supply teacher goes up to young child and has a look and sees that they're really, really struggling. And immediately, the supply teacher knows what's going on. So he just asks the child, how are you finding this? And the child opens up and says, well, actually, I don't really understand this. I'm quite struggling.
Speaker 1:So the teacher goes through it with the child and then has a better idea. He decides to put the child with a group of conscientious, hard working children who are also quite friendly and supportive that he knows the child seems to be getting along quite well with. And those children, because they quite like a challenge as well, they have the challenge of supporting and helping this child as well as doing their own work. And so the teacher notices that actually, as the children work together and support each other, that the child seems to grow in confidence a little bit, and a smile comes back to their face. And at the end of the day, the teacher leaves a note for the regular teacher just to say that they've made a slight change to the seating plan, seemed to have worked well, and they suggest that this child goes into a support group or homework club for maths.
Speaker 1:And now think about how different that child might feel from having this different teacher, this different experience. Do you think they would still feel upset? Might they feel a bit more supported? They might feel that someone actually cares and has made a difference, and that they hope that things might change from now on. They also know that they've got the support of some of their classmates as well.
Speaker 1:And I wonder which teacher you would want for this child in your life. Would you want the punitive teacher? Or would you want the compassionate teacher? I'm sure that the vast majority of you are going to say the compassionate teacher is the one they would want for the child in their life. And I completely agree.
Speaker 1:So why then for ourselves do we pay so much attention and allow the punitive teacher, the inner critic, to talk to us? And when we don't let the compassionate teacher, who has supportive and friendly things to say to us, why do we not let them in? One of the reasons why this might be is that sometimes we just actually don't know how to show ourselves compassion. Sometimes some people also don't ever receive compassion from others, and that can be really hard if compassion has never been modelled to you. So this exercise is a visualisation intended to help you build a compassionate image for you to work with, so that you're able to develop a compassionate part of your mind.
Speaker 1:So even when you feel that there is nobody on your side, that there is nobody supporting you, that you can actually have someone in your mind that you can reach out to, and you can become your own compassionate supporter. This comes from a type of therapy called compassion focused therapy and this is part of the third wave CBT modalities. So that includes mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy, and compassion focused therapy, takes more of a holistic and almost quite spiritual aspect of therapy to work alongside the more structured CBT principles. So, if you would like to try and build a compassionate image that can speak lovingly and kindly to you and supportively to you, and can act as a way of self soothing, then please try this visualization with me. So first just make yourself comfortable.
Speaker 1:You will be required to close your eyes for this exercise. So just pay a little bit of attention first to your breathing, falling into a breath pattern that feels soothing for you. We want to activate that soothing symptom in your mind. So in this exercise, you are going to create a compassionate image in your mind. You are going to create what we call the perfect nurturer.
Speaker 1:You might find that you have more than one image or nurturer in your mind. And as you continue to work with them, you may find that they change over time. Whatever image or person comes to your mind or that you choose to work with, remember that it's your creation, it's your own personal ideal. The perfect nurturer is all about what you need from feeling cared for and cared about. What you need in order to feel understood, supported and encouraged.
Speaker 1:So as we go through this visualization, just let images emerge in your mind as best you can. Don't try too hard if nothing comes into your mind or if it wanders. Just gently bring things back to your breathing and practice a compassionate acceptance that you are doing as best as you can, and that you are doing something that is going to make a difference to you. We're going to use all of our senses or most of our senses to build the image of our perfect nurturer. So firstly, allow an image to form in your mind of what you want your perfect nurturer to look like.
Speaker 1:So think about the shape that they take in your mind. Are they old, young, a similar age to yourself? Do they have a gender or do they not? Are they human or nonhuman? Your perfect nurturer may even be an animal or a body of water or a concept such as light.
Speaker 1:Whatever works for you. Really build that image in your mind. And imagine what it feels like to be in their presence. Maybe they embrace you. Imagine what that feels like.
Speaker 1:And next stage is to imagine the qualities that you want your perfect nurturer to have. So, for example, maybe you would like them to be wise, to be strong and resilient. Maybe you just need them to show warmth and kindness. Maybe you need them to be non judgmental and open with you. Maybe you need them to be accepting.
Speaker 1:Just think about what qualities that you need your perfect nurturer to have. And you can maybe build on your image of your perfect nurturer even further with these qualities. So maybe a certain color, for example, you feel is associated with the qualities you've chosen. If you only have sort of a sense of a compassionate color surrounding you that feels, for example, warm and caring, then that's a good start. Just whatever has a soothing and compassionate focus for you.
Speaker 1:You may even find that there's some sounds associated with your perfect nurturer. Maybe this is the way that they speak. Maybe they have a particular voice or tone to their voice. Maybe there are other sounds associated with them. Some people even say that there is music associated with their perfect nurturer, maybe a particular song or piece of music.
Speaker 1:Are there any other sensory qualities that your perfect nurturer has? Maybe they have a certain scent to them that reminds you of something positive or soothing, for example. Now think about how you would like your perfect nurturer to relate to you. So what do you need from them? How do they relate to you in a a different way to other people in your life?
Speaker 1:How do they relate to you in a way that is different from your inner critic? And in turn, how would you like to relate to your perfect nurturer? Would you like to relate to them differently to other people in your life? Maybe you find it hard to accept compassion or warmth or caringness from people in your life. But maybe you relate in a different way to your perfect nurturer.
Speaker 1:Maybe it comes more easily. And then finally, think about any messages that your perfect nurturer has for you right now. Maybe it's about a situation that you're in, that you're finding difficult. Maybe it's about a particular part of you that you always criticize yourself over. What message does your perfect nature have for you right now?
Speaker 1:And remember that whenever you need to call upon your perfect nurturer, then you can. You can come back here whenever you need. Whenever you're in need of soothing, or whenever your inner critic becomes too loud, you can call upon the perfect nurturer to show compassion. And when you finish this exercise, gently wake up your mind and body with some gentle movement and by opening your eyes. And this week, when you notice that critical thoughts are coming in, or you notice that you're going into a situation where you would usually feel maybe anxious or low, just reach out and ask your perfect nurturer what message they have for you.
Speaker 1:If you're having a critical thought, think what would my perfect nurturer say? What would be the compassionate response to this? So for example, maybe if you are telling yourself that you're a failure, maybe your perfect nurturer would reach out and say, well actually, here's a list of things that you haven't failed out. Here's a list of things that you do really well. So the perfect nurturer aims to rebalance and to show compassion.
Speaker 1:It's not about the extreme positive as opposed to the extreme negative, it's looking for that middle ground. And the middle ground is about compassion. Once again if you try this exercise then I'd love to hear how you get on so please do get in touch via the turtles social media pages and do let me know how you've got on with any of these exercises this week. I hope that you have a fantastic day.