Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
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So if we're going to talk about marriage and about getting married, we have to talk about sex. We have to. It's just, it needs to happen. And you know, I am aware in all of the years that I spent with a lot of couples that regardless of whatever it looks like before marriage, whether they've made the choice to have sex or not have sex before marriage, the arousal, sex...
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physical engagement cycle of their relationship is generally going pretty good up until the wedding and maybe even a little bit after that. But inevitably, like this is the thing that happens is that there is something about saying yes and beginning the building process where you're actually building a life together in a home. It stirs something that seems to surface.
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some issues that show up in the engagement around sex. So welcome to our series, our premarital series where we are talking about sex. I am Tracy Johnson. I'm a story work supervisor and coach at ReStory Counseling where I work with Chris. And my name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor and together with my wife, Beth.
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We post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because we believe the more you explore your story, the deeper your connection will be. So we encourage you right now to go ahead and hit subscribe if you like what we have to say and turn on your notifications so you don't miss a beat in helping your marriage thrive. So today we're talking as Tracy said, how to explore the story of sex in your marriage. And we put it that way you guys, because it is a story of sex.
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It's not just the act of sex. It's the story and stories that go with it because you are story people, as you've heard us say already, that who you are and what you bring into the marriage is all this like anthology, this compendium of stories that you bring with you. And some of those are gonna be stories around sex and sexuality and arousal and sensuality and...
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And what does it mean for you to be engaged in those two things together? So just as Tracy said, once you kind of cross that line and maybe even a day, a week, a month, a year, a couple of years after you've said yes and you've started your marriage, some things begin to unravel in sex. And it's because those stories are starting to settle in and co-mingle and become activated by one another.
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And you said several things a minute ago, Chris, you talked about arousal and desire and whatever the stories are around that. We're talking about how sex was talked about and addressed in your family, but we're also talking about something of like how arousal was templated in your body. And that is very storied and isn't necessarily tied just to...
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moments that you would sort of think about were sexual. Right. And so I think sometimes people are like, well, but I didn't, I mean, I didn't have sex. I didn't, I wasn't sexually active as a teenager. I like that none of that is, is part of the story. So why am I having, why am I having these feelings of resistance or why am I feeling detached or why am I feeling like it's hard to feel aroused with my spouse?
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How did this come to be? And there's so many things that go into that. Yeah, the word arousal, I think especially as we're talking about sex, often we think it is only about the sexual arousal, the body's response sexually to and with another person. But arousal is such a bigger kind of concept that is really important for us. And just as you said, like how was it templated?
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in our lives and in our story. So when you think about arousal, like, there's a, I have some friends that are out right now in Las Vegas and they went to the U2 concert in the Sphere. That is a big, huge, and very arousing experience because it is full of the senses. And he sent me videos of like what was happening on screen and what was happening in the sound and what was happening around him in the concert.
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and how all those things felt. Now, sex was not the topic of that arousal. It was not the focus of that arousal, but there is something very arousing. Like, what was it like for you as a child when there were big things happening around you? Senses, the senses, the sensuality of things around you. What was it like in your home with regard to tastes and sounds and smells and touches? How did your body respond to those kinds of things? What?
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What ended up happening for you? Were you allowed to respond? Were you expected to respond? Were you expected to not respond? How did you manage that level of arousal inside of you? And again, we're not even really talking about the sexual arousal. It's just that general sense of sensuality, senses in the arousal. How was that handled in your family, Jen? And then there are so many other things
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that impact how our sex life goes moving forward. And whatever your stories were around purity culture, if you grew up in a context where that is part of what you were taught or what was around you in the school that you were in, maybe it wasn't what you were being taught at home so strictly, but it was at church or it was in some other setting that you found yourself. And so,
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subtly, like these messages start to, they start to permeate and land inside of us and they leave us with a lot of either confused feelings or ambivalent feelings as sexual arousal starts to rise inside of us. And I think there's, you know, there's even something about, you know, the idyllic nature that we think once we get married, like everything's going to be great.
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and it's only going to get better, right? And so sex is only going to get better after I get married for all the reasons, because we'll have it more often and it will be totally fine and I won't need to feel any guilt about it, you know, all of that. And it can be so disorienting when it doesn't, that isn't always how it goes. And so part of what we're saying is like, you have to start talking about it.
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Oftentimes there's so much shame that we feel because that's happened. It's like we don't even know how to find our words for what's going on. We just feel like something here is really broken and I'm probably what's broken and that feels terrible and I don't know how to fix it and I don't wanna talk about it. So I think I just have a headache. Right. You mentioned some cultures that we might come out of that have more of that strict side of things. And then there's, you know, on the way others ended the pendulum,
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There's extremely sexually charged permissive backgrounds as well, where sex was a thing. And as a child, you always knew when your parents were having sex and your dad had pornography around. And there was this expectation that your coming of age, whether you're a boy or a girl, would be identified as when you first had sex. So there can be that strict culture, there can be that permissive culture or expectant culture.
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And it's very important for you not just to talk about what is it like for us to engage right now, but what do we bring with us into this relationship? What are the stories that have shaped who we are and how we engage with sex itself, but then also the greater sense of sensuality? Well, I think, you know, at some level, I think we're talking about like, what is it going to mean for you to have a sex positive marriage?
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whether they're at highly sexualized or sexually permissive stories that came out of your home that left you with some messaging that's like, this didn't feel positive, it felt like something else. Or the other end of the spectrum where it's shut down and it's tight and there are all of these rules and regulations and a lot of shame attached to it. Beginning to...
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build what is the narrative gonna be between the two of you? Where are the places that you hold something less than positive messaging around sex that you want to share with each other so you can begin to build that sex positive experience and sex positive narrative for the relationship that you have with each other? And inevitably it's not just like we've said about sex, it's also about body.
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It's about your own understanding of your body and whether, you know, whether you're a boy or girl, male, female, like whatever body you have, there has been assaults and attacks. There are expectations of what you should look like and what you shouldn't look like, what you should have and what you shouldn't have, how you should be, how you should not be, those kinds of things. And how has that impacted your actual body? And especially,
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when you're entering into this marriage relationship and your bodies are being engaged in very intimate spaces, the question that is gonna obviously come up is where do you experience shame? Where do you experience shame around some aspect of your body? And it can be around some stories that you have coming from the past, of maybe the purity past or the permissive past, whatever, you might have shame around that. You might have shame around some...
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part of your body that you don't like. And the question is not for you to start liking it. The question for you to engage with your spouse is the why behind the what. What is the story? Why is that part of your body so full of shame? And I can't just bring up shame and bodies and all that without also talking about the inevitability that somewhere along the way, someone else
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has taken advantage of your body. There has been a lingering look or all the way into physical sexual abuse that somehow along the way that you're going to have to bring some of those stories into the conversation with your spouse because they will show up in the bedroom. They will show up in the bedroom. So.
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how to explore the story of sex in your marriage. I wish in the matter of 10, 15 minutes, we could give you a full synopsis of what to do. I think what we're inviting you to is just to kind of crack, open that can and begin to wonder kind of what is in there. What are the stories that you're holding? It's not just about sex. There's so much more that is going on. And I feel like the other piece, the final thing that I would want to say is that our world, our culture has so like,
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diminished what the sexual engagement is, that it has made it just an event rather than this expression of what it was designed to be. Yes, there is a practicality of reproduction that is involved in the sexual engagement, but it is far more like I am going to use the fullness of all of who I am to love and be loved in an intimate space with you.
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that it is an expression of all of those things. And I think what we've done is we've just made it like, let's just have sex, or we're gonna have a one night stand, or we're gonna do like, it's just a thing that happens, and it doesn't become that like deeply relational and intimate space of this enjoyment of pleasure, of giving and receiving of pleasure with one another. That expression, I think is so important for us to have in mind, especially as you're preparing
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to get married and to walk down that aisle and be in a marriage relationship where sex is going to be part of that and you need to prepare that it's far more than just an event. And I think then like in closing, I'll just say, so when you start to feel the bumps in the road, it doesn't mean that something is necessarily terribly wrong. It just means there's stories that need to be told. Yes, yes. And told.
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eventually with and for one another. And maybe you need to start with someone else first. Maybe you need to start with a counselor. Maybe you need to start with a pastor. But somewhere along the way, in order for those bumps to be smoothed out between the two of you in your marriage, the stories need to be told to one another. Absolutely. Thanks for joining us today. Continue to check out our YouTube channel and all of the playlists that we have for you here. You guys, our hope is that you have a thriving marriage.
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and you are able to find one another in deep, deep connection. Thanks for joining us. If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free curated date guides to walk you through one year of good.
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dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to Restory.life slash thrive dash dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place.
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next week.