Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Before I read emails, I have to give Holly a shout out. Holly was on the podcast before, but for her birthday, she asked her family and friends to donate to the podcast. And so we got several donations in her honor. So we wanna say happy birthday, Holly, and thank you so much for supporting the podcast. We so appreciate you.
Speaker 1:We also have some monthly supporters, including Heather, Mason, Barbara, Rachel, and Lisa. Hi, Lisa. Thank you so much for supporting us and helping us continue the podcast. We are working on being able to continue to leave up all of the episodes because new people are still finding the podcast, so we don't wanna have to take them down. And those donations for Holly's birthday and the monthly donations help us keep it going.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. Kathy emails and says, Thank you for courageously bridging the gap between survivor and clinician. I'm in awe at your fierce determination to educate, share, learn, and grow. I've wanted to respond now for several months. I can relate to so much that you share, it almost scares me.
Speaker 1:I have been dealing with the excruciatingly painful process of trying to find a new therapist. I believe I've been told no by at least 10 clinicians. I've possibly called 20. I've met with a handful. None of them come even close to the one I had before.
Speaker 1:It's so disappointing. You guys, I cannot emphasize this enough, how traumatic it is to try to find a new therapist. It's so difficult. Like people just think you can just look in the phone book or do a search or just call whoever you want, And that's not how it works with DID. To find a good trauma therapist is really, really difficult.
Speaker 1:She says, Having to start over with a new one is really, really hard. I feel you. I feel you so much on this. It takes at least two years for the therapist to begin to understand what's even happened. I'm hanging in there.
Speaker 1:I can say that I'm growing stronger through this process. I'm leaning on my former therapist and the things that she taught me. I'm trying to stay open to working with a new person who is not as skilled, but may still be able to help me. Perhaps I will have to work harder to help myself. Oh, snap.
Speaker 1:I'm surprised I've held it together this well the past six months. Thank you for continuing to create such a lovely podcast. You do such a great job explaining things in a way that's understandable. Your voice and messages are soothing. I still enjoy your laughter, and it makes me laugh.
Speaker 1:Wishing you and your family safety, good health, and positive connections. Enjoy this holiday season. Thank you, Kathy. That's so sweet. Dee says, I'm a 34 year old female doctoral candidate in clinical psychology in California.
Speaker 1:I'm writing to you after being diagnosed with DID approximately six months ago after a sexual assault by a clinical supervisor five years ago, and it completely shook up my life and illuminated my childhood developmental trauma. Okay. Let me tell you, this is actually a common thing As far as it being just one more thing that finally pushes you into therapy or helps you sort of start making progress, I know for us that was the death of the parents and how just that thing finally got us going to therapy. And so I'm not saying what happened was okay. I'm saying use it for good and good for you for doing so.
Speaker 1:Dee says, I want to thank you for your work on System Speak and through other organizations and platforms. The information you are providing and illuminating have been so incredibly helpful for me in understanding my own experience of DID and accepting the diagnosis. Of course, sometimes I accept it and sometimes I do not. But I'm learning that is normal for where I am at in the healing journey. I've listened to many of the episodes available on the podcast, but not all of them yet.
Speaker 1:But the ones I have listened to have been so informative, welcoming, nonpathologizing, illuminating, and encouraging. Thank you. I even joined the ISSTD as a student member this month. Yes. You guys, I love hearing when you sign up for ISSTD.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad that you are finding it useful and finding it good and are willing to volunteer as well and to learn and participate. It really is an incredible organization that is working so hard. I see that every day in my work there, every day. I'm probably not supposed to talk about them at all. They didn't pay me to say that.
Speaker 1:I just am saying on my own experience has been fantastic. I'm writing to share just a little of my experience and chance that you might speak a little about this topic and that it could be helpful to others. The topic is psychedelic medications and dissociative disorders. Wow. Okay.
Speaker 1:So I don't know anything about that at all. But if you know someone who wants to come on and talk about that, we absolutely could talk about that. For me, it's not an option for a variety of reasons, one of them being specifically that I am ten years sober and just do not need to mess around with any kind of substances. And so I think it's fantastic. They're finding ways to help people.
Speaker 1:And if someone wants to come on and talk about it, that would be great. She shares this story about the person prescribing that medicine, not knowing about the dissociative disorder and the therapist not knowing about the medicine and how that went wrong. I don't want to share too much of her personal information on the podcast. But she says, To make a long story short, I just wanna stress that individuals with any form of dissociative disorder should be very cautious around medications like ketamine. My experience may be specific to me, but I think that doctors are supposed to rule out a dissociative condition prior to recommending it.
Speaker 1:The use of psychedelic assisted mental health is growing fast, and I fear that it is not taking into consideration the vulnerability it poses for clients with dissociative conditions, including those with PTSD. I already fear that more individuals diagnosed with PTSD are really see PTSD or have functional multiplicity, and that a lot of harm might be done to these individuals unknowingly. That's definitely something we could talk about more. Thanks for bringing it up to the conversation. Barbara says, I loved the podcast with Jamie from Infinite Mind with the Healing Together conference From a system that has been starving to find other functioning systems, this was gold to our eyes, music to our ears, and warmth to our heart.
Speaker 1:Thank you and thank her. I'm so glad it's really good, right? At the time of this recording, the Healing Together conference is still a month away, but we've given away two tickets to the Healing Together conference at the January and are so looking forward to participating. Ray says, maybe I'm wrong, but I think you finally shared your name, and I found you hidden in plain sight. Yes.
Speaker 1:That's usually where I am. Just wanted to say we see you. We hear you. The pain is a mountain, and ignoring it doesn't make it smaller. Ugh.
Speaker 1:Whose side are you on? I see it, and I feel it, and it is immense, and you will climb when you climb. It's no one's job to tell you how or when. Thank you so much truly. We're here for you, like in a real way, not a thoughts and prayers way.
Speaker 1:That's especially funny because we're in the South. Your voice Oh my goodness, Ray is speaking truth here. Let's talk about this for a minute. Because so often, even if we have safe and good support people in our lives, they so much want us to be well and happy and healthy and stable that their little hearts start to be the ones who are actually dissociating. They forget how hard it is for us every day to function, how much we are trying and investing and getting better, and what that struggle is like, they just don't know because it's not their experience.
Speaker 1:And if we're not careful, ignoring that experience becomes a dismissing of that experience, which actually becomes a rupture and part of more relational trauma that is re traumatizing, even if they are good people and even if they have good intentions and mean well. Like safety is such a big deal that this is a very, very difficult thing. And so I know exactly what you're saying about walking around feeling so alone, even though it's so obvious that so much is wrong. It's really, really hard and it's so much to ask of anyone to try to be present with you in that. Like, I just, I don't know if it's a thing even.
Speaker 1:We are trying to learn, but it's so, so hard. Thank you for sharing, Ray. Kim says, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't intend to upset things when I said I missed the others. I thought they were also reading emails and didn't want them to feel forgotten.
Speaker 1:Praying for better days, I apologize sincerely. Kim, sweet Kim, we love you so much. We have loved you from the beginning. You have been with us from the beginning. We are so grateful for you, and you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.
Speaker 1:It has been an intense year, and those messages will get through eventually in and as it's appropriate. And we are so grateful you are out there and you are truly just as sweet as anything continuing to support us and love on us. And what you wrote really were good reminders at caring for ourselves well. And we are glad for you, and I am glad for you because you are one of the ways that I was able to get back. So thank you for that, Kim, for getting me back here and for being a part of the process that it took to sort of not flip circles, but start some bridge building and getting me sort of being able to negotiate, participating in the ways that I can that is helpful.
Speaker 1:So a shout out to Kim for helping save the world. Kate says, Dear System Speak, I've been meaning to write to thank you for responding to my email in an episode a while back. I struggle with putting my thoughts into words, so it's something I put off. But I wanted to let you know that we hear you when you mention barriers go up. Ours have gone up too.
Speaker 1:It's just hard, you guys. And when you take the risks to move towards connection or to step into healing and it all just falls flat or it backfires or it doesn't work like they said it would or that you thought it would, that's really terrifying and it doesn't make things safe. And again, safety is so, so important. And so when it doesn't work like you think it will or thought it would, you just have to step back and you have to put up those barriers, not to quit, not to start over, but to say, okay, that wasn't safe, so we have to try something else a different way. And for us right now, it is mostly having a very consistent presentation and being very careful who is filtering what and negotiating that differently internally so that people around us on the outside are not burdened with what is wrong inside us and us just taking care of that or pausing that or, you know, dissociating in general because that's easier and better and safer when we don't have the support we need.
Speaker 1:Because as an interview that we just had that you'll hear in a couple of weeks, it is not safe to go through some of those things alone. And when you try to go through them because you think you're ready and you think you have the support system in place, if that falls through, it is okay to stop. It is okay to pause. It is okay to wait. It is okay to do it safely.
Speaker 1:You do not have to survive your own survival. Does that make sense? We'll talk about that more later. But Kate says, I enjoyed the geometry episode. I hadn't thought of relationships in that way.
Speaker 1:I'm a math major, and I enjoy seeing how math concepts relate to DID, like integration, parts of a partition, and the concept of a singleton being a set with one element. I hope that today is better for you than the day the Iris episode was recorded. You and me both, Kate. Oh my goodness. It has been rough.
Speaker 1:Oh, it has been rough. We're just trying to stay alive, guys. The VEGA system says, I'm listening to your banished episode. I have fallen behind, so I cheated on your podcast with another podcast. That's just funny.
Speaker 1:You can't be doing that. No, I'm just kidding. That's good. That's actually self care. And in fact, speaking of what we were just talking about with Kate, the last year was brutal.
Speaker 1:And those podcast episodes are difficult. Difficult episodes are difficult to feel. They were difficult to let out. They were difficult to talk about. They were difficult to let them go public.
Speaker 1:They were just difficult material. It has been a hard year and taking a break from the podcast and taking care of yourself was absolutely the right thing to do. Good job, you guys. They say, I'm a fellow therapist with DID. Oh, yay.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the club who works with people with DID and dissociative disorders. Oh, you are braver than we are. I am also a fellow ISSTD member. Yes. Good job.
Speaker 1:You guys, I'm loving the people who are writing to let us know they were able to sign up with the ISSTD. We are gonna keep talking about it. They are not asking us to talk about it and probably will ask us not to talk about it. But I'm just telling you from a personal experience, it has been very positive. It's so enriching.
Speaker 1:There's so much to offer, and it absolutely worth it if you are able to do so. They write, I want to share some words of support. It's so hard out there. I'm amazed by your system and how you all work with everything in your lives, past and present. I've really come to see all of you as a personal and professional role model.
Speaker 1:Please keep doing what you're doing and working towards your healing. As the host or outside executive, as we call my role in the system, I can really relate to how it's so hard to leave everyone behind to function. Then they talk about their system a little bit and they say, I have to dip my toe in what's happening inside so slowly and so gradually, Otherwise, I just completely lose my functioning and we all suffer. Yeah. That, that, what she just said, exactly that.
Speaker 1:Okay, guys? Like, I can't even. We've done a lot of work with my therapist to help them understand that it's not because I don't love them, it's because I do love them and we have to keep our job and parent our toddler and stay married. That sounds so familiar, oh my goodness. I can also relate to feeling separate from them.
Speaker 1:They don't feel like me. However, our experience is that anything positive or negative that any one of us does somehow reverberates through the whole system. Wait. What? Okay.
Speaker 1:I have to read this again. Guys, listen to this. Wait. What? Our experience is that anything positive or negative that any one of us does somehow reverberates through the whole system.
Speaker 1:Woah. That's heavy. I feel like you just gave me therapy homework, and I'm gonna have to just sit with that for a while and work on it. We're separate, but also somehow connected in some way that I can't put into words. I trust that all the work you're doing for you, for them, for your family is going to have a positive impact on all of you in some way, even if it's years down the line.
Speaker 1:We've only been diagnosed with DID for three years and really didn't start working with folks with dissociative disorders until shortly after that. So I know you all have a lot more experience than me and our systems and our traumas are different. However, in my experience, being in my own therapy for many years and also being a therapist, I do know to trust the process even if you can't see where you're going. Like they say in Frozen two, when you are lost and hope is gone, but you must go on and do the next right thing. Even if our inside teens think it's cheesy, if you keep taking a step in the right direction, even if you don't know the way, it will all add up.
Speaker 1:You may already know that, but we want to say it anyway because it helps us when people say it to us. Oh, Vega system. Thank you for sharing. That's definitely something I did not want to hear, but I didn't need to hear. That was good stuff right there.
Speaker 1:Deidra says, I'm just writing to say thanks again for sharing your story. The last few podcasts are especially moving, and I really commend your strength to be so vulnerable. Oh, you guys, it's just embarrassing. I don't even know if it counts as vulnerable. It's just embarrassing.
Speaker 1:And it's been so hard. And I don't know, letting those out, sometimes when we talk about that or when I push the buttons or we get it scheduled or set it up or however all of that works, Like, I don't know, there's a fine line between studly and stupid. And I don't know where we are on that between wisdom and foolishness and if it's really helpful or if we are just setting ourselves up because it's so, so difficult. And yet at the same time, it has given us words. And here's the thing, if we are in the group of people, survivors, whatever word you wanna use for it, not just plurals, but specifically trauma survivors.
Speaker 1:If we are in the group of people whose stories have already been violated, either because of breaches of confidentiality or because of child exploitation materials, or because of other things, then being able to say your story in your own words is what makes a difference and is so, so powerful, even though it is also terrifying. Like, if it's already out there, we might as well just do it on our own terms. And I think ultimately, that's really what this is about once you get under all the layers. But thank you. They say, it's a beautiful gift that you have decided to share, and I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you.
Speaker 1:I know that may be odd to hear from a random podcast listener, but it's the truth. You have touched so many lives, and I've grown to respect and care for each alter that shares on the podcast. The current host has been so caring and protective of the others, and that has been a difficult thing to mind everyone throughout this pandemic, as well as your outside family and yourself. Well done you for continuing to seek healing throughout this whole time, for holding out that hope and for believing that each step is an important part of your journey. You aren't failing.
Speaker 1:You are moving through your grief and trauma, and that is such an inspiring thing. I hope that at some level you can be proud of your work too. You are doing such amazing work. The reason I'm contacting you is to ask where I can send a gift to you. I would like to make you and your family something just to say thanks for allowing us to be a part of your journey.
Speaker 1:I remember you mentioning a PO box in previous podcasts, but I can't find it on your website. Oh, that's because of trolls. But, yes, I can give you the PO Box. It is PO Box 3792 Beeville, that is B V I L L E, Okay, like Oklahoma, 74006. Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas, and I hope 2021 brings joy, love, and mountains of kindness your way.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. Also to the universe, did you notice that a coup attempt was not on her list of blessings for 2021? So if we could just maybe get the vaccine and everything in life settled down and make sure we still have a government, that would be great. Happy 2021. Thank you, Deidra, seriously.
Speaker 1:That's very kind. Lisa says, try softer. I am so grateful you have this new therapist. She sounds perfect. I know, right?
Speaker 1:She's very kind. It is not the same as the therapist. It is not the same as being able to talk about stuff because we're still dealing with the transition trauma and everything from the last year. And so we're not even to talking about DID or anything like that, but we're showing up and we have appointments and we're talking about safety and we're staying alive. And so that counts for something, right?
Speaker 1:Maybe it's everything. Tiff says, one of your guest speakers that I heard almost eighteen months ago has been my therapist for the last thirteen months. What? She says, I started with five months in person until COVID hit and since have been doing telehealth. I found out so much about myself from listening to your podcast.
Speaker 1:I have dissociative amnesia and CPTSD, and you helped me reach out for help. I was always told therapy was for the weak, and I didn't know how to ask for help until one of your guest speakers on the podcast, their office was less than a mile from my work. Woah, that's amazing. It seemed like fate, and I called them. Thanks again.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness, Tiff, I am so glad that has worked out for you. That is fantastic, and I really appreciate you sharing. That is special. We got an email from Wales. It says, This is a message to whoever reads this and needs this.
Speaker 1:This podcast has helped me so much. I am a 19 year old British girl who has been disabled all my life and encountered a lot of trauma. I do not have DID, but my best friend does. I do have complex PTSD and derealization and depression. The podcast has taught me so much about myself.
Speaker 1:Your episodes alone have shown me parts of myself and helped me understand the parts of my best friend who has DID. The courage you have amazes me. I know you've had a really hard year, but you have no idea how grateful I am that you shared those difficult times with us. In your recent episodes, Iris, and Try Softer, I felt so many feelings. Most of all, I am in awe of your resilience.
Speaker 1:Even if it doesn't seem healthy to others, you have continued to set boundaries and move forward in the ways you can. It amazes me. I really hope that you are able to work through more things with the therapist and be softer with yourselves. You are utterly amazing, and I just don't have the words to express that, but you are full of endless possibilities, and it's beautiful. That's so kind.
Speaker 1:The episodes with the children and the husband are so heartwarming. You are an incredible family with so much strength and courage. I'm sure when your children grow up, they will be just as talented and intelligent as you all and the husband. I hope they do a little better than us, but that's good. That's very kind.
Speaker 1:I really love the episodes with the songs you use to educate them. It would be so cool to have those posted individually or more episodes for parents to hear. It's such a fun and unique way to learn. That's very cool. Two things about that.
Speaker 1:One is it's I actually can't remember which songs we've already shared, so it's kind of hard to put new ones in, but I maybe could and wouldn't mind. And two, we are kind of careful about it and try to at least put it in the episode description because for some people, the sounds of children's voices or children's singing is a real trigger. And I know that they overwhelm me every day. So we try to be careful about that and not too often, but it's also real. And we wanna show how there are safe and good ways that you can have these kinds of conversations, whether it's about our stuff or their stuff or all of us together.
Speaker 1:That's important when you're a family, and there are ways we can do it right. So So thank you for your support. They say, The episodes with the guests have taught me the most about trauma and its effects. I've shared so many of them with my friends and family. Whenever anyone asks for a podcast recommendation from me, I always include System Speak on the list.
Speaker 1:This is such a valuable resource to survivors and those who love and care for them. I've actually written a list of topics, guests, and resources recommended on your podcast to look into more because it's a fountain of knowledge. I really appreciate you all being brave enough to share so much. I know it's led to some pain for you, but it's so healing to hear the stories and perspectives of others. One of my favorite episodes is the Footprints one.
Speaker 1:I love how it's shared in kind of a spoken word manner. I love the way you tell it. I love the journey it takes us on and the stories you tell throughout. It's so incredibly powerful and I have listened to it so many times. I also think it's a great example of how traumatized people cling to whatever kindness and meaning that is thrown our way.
Speaker 1:That need is so deep, it's like nothing can fill it. And it's not just that we're insatiable, it's that that's how long we have not had any kind of care. And so it's not that we're selfish and what our loved ones or support people or friends aren't giving us enough. It's not that. It's that that's how long we have been waiting to be tended to.
Speaker 1:That's intense, you guys. That's like a whole other podcast episode. After listening, I began to realize examples of that in my own life. Just thank you so much for all of this. Everything you have shared, all the work you have done and allowing us to follow along is incredible.
Speaker 1:My best friend is deaf, so I've given them the link to the website where some of the transcripts are, and I would love for maybe one day someone to make more transcripts of your episodes. You're mind blowingly awesome and everyone needs to see. That's so funny. Okay. Here's the thing about the transcripts.
Speaker 1:Let me say something about this. As a deaf person, I understand the critical need for the transcripts of the episodes. I get that. But, also, as a deaf person, I cannot do it myself. I can't listen to it and understand enough of it to be able to get it typed up.
Speaker 1:I just can't do it. I physically cannot do it. It's a limitation I have. And so what we have tried to do is hire people to help us with that. And specifically to support the survivor community, we have offered that out to survivors.
Speaker 1:If you can type up a podcast, we can pay you this much money per episode, right? And so the difficulty has been us having the monetary resources to be able to do that and availability of people who want to do that happening at the same time. And the other issue is that we have had several people who have been helpful with that and several people who have said they would and then were not able to for all kinds of reasons. And so it keeps falling through the cracks. But in the meantime, the podcast keeps moving forward, And now there's like over 200 episodes.
Speaker 1:Did you know that? I don't know if you know that. And so it's just a lot of work that needs to be done, and it's been very difficult to find someone who's willing to do it. And so if you know anyone who's willing to type up a few episodes, but it is actually a lot of work. But if you know someone or you yourself are listening and willing to type up the podcast episodes, we would be glad to talk to you about it if you send us an email.
Speaker 1:They say, keep on keeping on. You all have beautiful spirits and your children are so blessed. I'm so glad you and the system all have one another too. What a beautiful external and internal family you have built. That's just so sweet.
Speaker 1:That's just beautiful. Thank you. Beautiful like whales. Whales is beautiful. Thank you so much, truly.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.