F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge | The Company You Keep

The Power of Your Inner Circle: How Company Shapes Success

In this compelling episode titled 'The Company You Keep,' the speaker delves into the profound impact of relationships on personal and professional growth. Drawing insights from recovery and referencing studies like Dr. David McClellan's 90% rule, listeners learn that up to 95% of success or failure is influenced by the people we associate with. The discussion emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with a supportive 'tribe' and the concept of Jim Rohn’s 'Power of Five,' which suggests you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The episode also touches on Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech, reinforcing the significance of surrounding oneself with doers rather than critics. Through personal anecdotes and motivational insights, the speaker encourages listeners to evaluate their social circles critically, ensuring they are filled with individuals who promote growth, accountability, and mutual support.

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview
01:02 The Influence of Your Social Circle
07:31 The Power of Five
14:36 The Man in the Arena
18:23 Evaluating Your Relationships
34:33 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Creators and Guests

Host

Christine (HBIC) Spratley

Dynamic Public Speaker | Change Catalyst | Career Navigation Coach

What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?

This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.

My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.

We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.

So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.

24 Fuck Fear
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[00:00:00]

Christine: Hello, ladies and gentlemen and everybody in between. I am excited about today's episode. Um, and the reason why I'm excited is because it comes from some things that I've been doing, but also I'm starting to notice it. A lot in my as I grow, it's one of those elements today and [00:01:00] today's episode is called The Company You Keep.

I am, um, in recovery and so I referenced some things that I've learned through aa and one of the things if you, they say is if you stick around a, a barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a haircut. If, if you do things long enough or around people you know long enough, you're gonna start to act like them, become like them, or be influenced by them.

And the other thing that this is also about is I, you hear me talk a lot about your tribe. Get yourself, your tribe. Who are the people that you trust and that you care about and that care about you and care about you in an action way? They're not just passively watching you, they're loyal to your wellbeing.

And so today is gonna be both because you can take this into the personal relationship area or the professional relationship area because it stands true for both. But I [00:02:00] really want us to take a look at today and, and I am going through something right now where I've experienced this a lot. And you'll also hear me talk at times about one of the most precious things we can give is access to us and access to us In in the way that I look at it is access to my time, my energy, my history.

My dreams, my goals access to me physically, access to my thoughts and to what I wanna share. And also my anxiety, which is kind of interesting. You know, what I attach presence to and do I give access to that sort of thing in my world. So today's about, we're gonna kind of go this in four different areas and I have four different kind of quotes.

The first one is, and it's not so much of a quote [00:03:00] as a study, and it was done by Dave, by Dr. David McClellan. Um, it's this Harvard study and it's often called the 90% rule. And the big finding of that of his study was up to 95% of an individual success or failure is influenced by the people they habitually associate with.

So, and again. I think that is, is one of the, the interesting parts about whether you're swimming upstream or downstream, you know, and how hard it is to swim upstream, whether it be in a relationship, um, or in work where if you're not around and successful, I'm not just talking about financial success, I'm also talking about success in the sense of.

Your wellbeing and your emotional success, and if you are not going to be around people like that, if that those people aren't in your tribe, then who's in your tribe [00:04:00] and how do they influence your habits? How do they influence your wellbeing? I can tell you from my experience is that when I was not fulfilled and I was starting to realize I was not fulfilled and I didn't do anything about it, I started.

Being around people that didn't either care or weren't engaged in the same sort of growth or the same sort of soul searching we might wanna call it, but they just weren't interested in, in, in exploring those things. So we didn't talk about it. They didn't come up, you know, and so if you're not around those people, and again, that's personal, but take that into, take that into business.

If you're not around people that, that wanna push or that value the same things as you do as far as what business integrity is, then what are you gonna talk about? You can, that person can be a wide [00:05:00] variety of diversity in your life, from age, from from, um, you know, race, from all sorts of backgrounds. But if you don't have a, Hey, this is where I wanna take the company.

If I don't want, if this is the type of, , integral standards you have, you are going to be a fish out of water. And so how do you become something in an environment that doesn't want you to become that? And you hear me talk a lot of times about your authorizing environment. And if I'm in a group, think about this.

If you are one of five. And you're trying to continually bring up a subject of something that is valuable to you, but it's not valuable to anybody else, how much airtime do you think that's gonna get? And how much energy are you going to expend trying to get at airtime? And I was on a call yesterday and I'm, I'm helping this.

Person. She said, I was trying to learn the lesson. I, I thought I had to stay there until I learned the lesson. And I said, well, [00:06:00] maybe the lesson is you don't belong there. You know, and that's, and, and the only reason I said that is because that's what I recognized in me.

I didn't belong in a lot of these groups, in a lot of these places. I was speaking something that they didn't recognize, understand, or relate to, and therefore they didn't encourage or nurture it or see the value in it.

Also with this, um, study, you'll also let, you'll find it in the compound effect. Um, where it emphasizes the, the, an individual's social circle, and not social as in hierarchy, but just your peripheral circle and what, what that has to do with your, um, ability. And I think about times that I've gone through things or big wins at work and I've been able to.

Succeed at work because I've had [00:07:00] people read my decks like, like partners take time out and go, Hey, let me think about this. Let me do this. But I've also had people in personal life go, yeah, you're doing good. Like we talk about this. They hold, they don't hold me accountable, but they bring it up till I have to hold myself accountable.

But again, if that is not happening, if those people aren't there, it's easy for me to just kind of not pay attention and slide it on in. So who's around you? Who's in your tribe, and why the hell are they there? I also have to look at the other thing, and we'll go into the next part of this is Jim Ron's philosophy of the Power of five, and one of his quotes is, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

Think about that. Who are the five people you spend the most time with? I did this before I came here [00:08:00] and it was like, okay, who are the five people do? And then I sat there and was like, do I wanna be like these five? I mean, seriously, ask yourself, do you want to be like these five people? Is that, you know, the average of that?

And I don't know about you, but I remember there were times when I didn't want to be, I mean, I, I know specific times in my life and I also know that my attitude now, my outlook 'cause there's a difference for me. I'm very sarcastic. Right, Joe? Sure, yeah. You'd say that. And um, but there's a difference between.

For me being sarcastic and cynical or sarcastic and, and negative and, um, it's funny because again, it's the [00:09:00] people that know me and have known me for a long time know, have seen me go through a very negative part in my life where I was very negative about things. Critical. And again, you can be negative as in, ah, that sucks.

Or you can be critical in, Ooh, they suck, or, Ooh, there's nothing good coming out of this. And what it is, is I really think, for me, again, it's my social sphere. Who are those five people? How are they influencing me? Because I'm more likely to talk like them. I'm more likely to talk on subjects like them and see viewpoints like them.

So they are negative or critical, then where do I fit in that? And where do I, where do I want why or not where, excuse me. Why do I want them in my tribe? What are they offering me and what am I offering them? Because if I'm offering them, Hey, [00:10:00] I'm doing this and blah, blah da da, and they're just kinda like, oh, really?

Oh yeah. Oh, you're all over the place. Yeah. Life's a little messy right now. Be all over the place with me. You know? And, and I think that's important for me to recognize. And I would like you to take a look. I mean, who are the five people, not the five people you wanna hang around with most. 'cause we've all got those friends where you're like, oh man, I really, I really wish I could spend more time with you.

Who are you putting in that spot instead of that friend? You know, may, and, and I was talking to, um, a counselor last week and we were talking about not subbing in anybody if they're not worth it. If they're not adding to and, and, and you're [00:11:00] not being able to give to them and they're not receiving and they're not giving back.

And, um, and if you don't, I don't always need to sub somebody in. Sometimes my company is, my best company is myself, especially if it's with, if I'm subbing in for someone who has a toxic, um, thought. Pattern, um, or is in their life not wanting to go out and, um, and grow. And we find that in business. We find that in personal life.

Um, I find it in spirituality as well, where people wanna go to a point and then they're like, yeah, we're done. And sometimes. The other thing that's really great is they take, there's this mug I have, of course I have a mug, and um, it says is [00:12:00] something like, isn't it great when you know, people just leave your life?

It's like the trash taking, taking itself out, you know? And because I don't have the, the KA to, to say, you know what, you don't need to be in my life anymore. But sometimes they just sort of. Move on down the line and, and again, who am I substituting that that space for? And, and should I be substituting?

And if there is people, if there are people, if they're five, if you're five aren't your five, go find you a five. That's the other thing that I didn't realize for a long time and whether it be in business or personal, is that. If there's a lot more people out here than I thought, I can go get my five. And the other part of that is, am I the type of person that [00:13:00] somebody would want in their five?

You know? And if not, um, why not? Keenan Gay, a coworker of mine from Deloitte. said something to me one time and, and it was really, we, we, him and I used to talk a lot, um, and we'd talk about business and stuff. We talk [00:14:00] all about business, but we talk about family and things like that. But one of the things he, he said about business, and I thought it was just such a great thing, a great mantra is he says, you want to be the person that you want to do business with. You want to be the business person that you want to do business with. So what it is, is I want to be the business person to others that I want to do business with.

You know, you, I wanna be integrity, I wanna do da da. You know, and you've heard me say this, water seeks its own level. So again, who are your five? And we're gonna hit on this one. And I love this and most people have heard this, but it's, and, and you've either heard it through the actual coat from Theodore Roosevelt's speech, um, in Paris, the citizenship of In, in a Republic, which is I think so timely right now.

Um, if you've, if you [00:15:00] haven't ever read that, but there's, it's the, the man in the arena. And, um, and if you haven't heard that, you, you probably have heard Brene Brown's perspective on that, which is her quote, which is, if you're not in the arena, also getting your ass kicked. I'm not interested in your feedback and.

I really like, I like her version 'cause it's much more sarcastic and, and not as eloquent as, you know, Roosevelt's. But when I read, so I've always known this speech from him or not the speech, but the excerpt, um, and, and I'm gonna read it for you, is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how strong.

How the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood. [00:16:00] Who strives valiantly. Who errs? Who comes short again and again because there's no effort without error and shortcoming.

But who does actually strive to do the deeds? Who knows? Great enthusiasm. The great, the great devotions Who spends himself in a worthy cause? Who at? The best knows the end, the noses in the end, the triumph of high achievement. And who at worst if he fails, at least fails, daring greatly. So this, so that his place shall never be with those cold, timid souls who neither, no victory nor defeat.

And I, I, I love a lot about that. I love the end of it because who do you have around you? Are they the ones who are marred with dust, who are working and doing, or are those cold, timid souls? [00:17:00] You know? And, and again, who am I now, the one thing I will say about this is if you haven't read it, go to the speech.

It was done in 1910. Lemme make sure I get this right. 1910. In Paris. And it was actually on April 23rd, which was, um, yesterday. We're taping this on the 21st, 24th. So yeah, 1910, April 23rd. And, um, it's called the citizenship in a Republic. But I want you to look at the paragraph before it, um, because it talks about who those critics are, and again.

This kind of stemmed from right now in my life, I'm going, who am I giving my attention to? Who am I allowing into my journey and who do I want there? Because I don't have a lot of time, I don't have a lot of energy, and I want it to be with with people that I can give [00:18:00] to and that give back to me. So this is what is really incredible for me.

I'm gonna read some part of this. There are many men who feel a kind of twisted pride in cynicism. There are many who confine themselves to cynicism in the ways of others, do what they themselves dare not even attempt. I think this is really incredible because I had to learn this 'cause I've had friends or so-called friends or people, people in my tribe, um, where I have chosen to grow.

And Oprah Winfrey talks about this in her, in a commencement speech, where she talks about, um, when you start to have success or when you start to grow, and not everybody's gonna recognize you and they're not gonna cheer you on along the way.

You know, they're gonna say things like who she thinks she is, you know, and, um. And [00:19:00] I, I read this and, and I'll keep reading some more of this, but we, I've had to, I've had people do that sometimes at the hardest time in my life where I'm really challenging myself to grow, where I'm really making tough decisions.

And I've had people because they were not willing to do things in their life. What had happened was I used to fall in that cynicism where you just sit around and you have a pity party and you bitch about all the same things. Well, for me, what started to happen was when I quit bitching and started changing things and started doing some of that, where I would go out and I would make changes and instead just bitch about it.

I would come back to those same people and I would say, this is what I'm doing. And, you know, I'm nervous about this, or I'm da da da. You know, what do you, what do you think? And they would just be, oh, you can't do that. Oh, oh. And it would just be this cynicism because they dare not attempt at all. And I've [00:20:00] outgrown relationships because of that.

And that's what makes, I think relationships really hard. And that's why I value the ones that have lasted for so long. Because if you're gonna grow and you're gonna change at work, if you're gonna grow and you're gonna change, not everybody's up for you being promoted. Not everybody sees your growth as a good thing.

Some people see it as a threat. The next part of this paragraph before in his speech is there is no more unhealthy being no man, less worthy of respect. Then he who either really holds or feigns to hold an attitude of sneering disbelief toward all that is great and lofty. Whether an achievement or in that noble effort, even if it fails, comes to second achievement.

And I'm just gonna be really honest, I was for a [00:21:00] long time and still can get into being a reverse snob because I wasn't raised with money. So that intimidated me. So people who had money intimidated me, I let them intimidate me, and so I became very cynical and, oh, we can't have this, and ooh, they must be this, and brought in all sorts of baggage and attitude, and I was an unhealthy being and I was not worthy of respect when I had that sneering disbelief towards others of what they were trying to achieve.

Or what they were given because I wasn't willing to do that. I was cynical on certain things in my life. And again, I remember someone very close to me and, and I get, I was like, you know, we talk a really negative, a lot. Like, not just fun, negative, but like, we get in there [00:22:00] and it's just, it's like again, just not, not good.

It's just in our conversation, like there's no light to it, there's no, there's no fun to it. Or it's funny at the expense of someone and it's like, wow, I don't want this. And I remember telling this person, can you just, let's just not be negative today. And, and it was really hard because I made the effort, but the other person was just like not doing it.

So the other person is like literally no longer my life. It goes on to say a cynical habit of thought and speech, a readiness to criticize work, which the critic himself never tries to perform. Intellectual aloofness, which will not accept contact with life's realities. [00:23:00] All of these, mark, all, all of these, all these are marks not as a, the processor would feign to think of support of superiority, but of weaknesses.

And I just, again, this is the critic that you're talking about. We all know the critic. You know, we all know that, but are we, that and those five people that, that, those people, that social circle that you put yourself in, are they critics or are they doers? Are they out there on the limb? Are they in the arena getting their ass kicked too or are they reading from some book but not from life?

It just really was hard for me. To believe in part that some of the closest people to me were, were this way when I started to grow and change, and I haven't been [00:24:00] perfect 'cause I've told you I've, I'm, I've done it myself, you know? And for me, when the paint outplay is pleasure, I go, oh, I'm gonna change.

And oh, then I start relating to you. And there's some people that I've come back around to, which is even interesting.

Goes on to say they mark the men unfit to bear their part painfully in the in, in the stern strife of living, who seek the affection of contempt for achievement of others to hide from others and from themselves in their own weakness. The role is easy. There is none easier. Save only the role of the man who sneers alike at both cynicism and performance.

And this is someone who you can't please because if you're performing well, you can't please them. And if you're not, they're gonna be cynical about what you're doing wrong. [00:25:00] So again, I just, I bring this home because for me. I have a, I had a, a speech coach and I haven't used her for a while. We still keep in touch.

Um, um, and when I started working with her, we were real in, she was real intent about pointing out to me things. And she would say, that seems like a, a zinger. They're giving you a zinger, like it was a compliment wrapped in an insult or an insult Wrapped in a compliment.

Joe Woolworth: Yeah.

Christine: And, um. And I was like, oh, no, no, you know, they're just having a bad day or whatever and or in your relationships, you know, and it would be, she, she'd just point out, you know, that seems like a zinger.

It doesn't seem like they're, you know, and if you've ever watched, um, somebody kind of kick the block out from underneath somebody, you know, [00:26:00] um. And, and watch 'em fall, but it's ever so slightly. It's a little bit here, a little bit there, and they just start to chisel away. The next thing you know, it goes, go boom.

And so much of me, and I think a lot of women that I coach, we tend to go, oh, must be me. I'm, I'm not hearing this right. They can't mean what they're saying. They didn't just use that word.

Joe Woolworth: Because it's usually nice. Right? It's usually something like, you're so brave to wear that. Yeah.

Christine: Or, or like, oh, they give you 50 compliments.

Um, I, I've been going through a lot. Everybody knows that. And, and someone was like, oh, I'm so concerned about you. I, you know, but I haven't heard from her and since I've gone through all this stuff and then, oh, you're doing great in your podcast, but it's this and this and this. And it's like, what? I'm confused it.

Um, I [00:27:00] must be misreading something and, and or I would get, I, I remember having on a, an outfit and like you said, you're really brave for, isn't that too short? Isn't that too this isn't that, too that, and which brings me to, you know, Oprah Winfrey, she, she talks about this in one of her, not just in the committal speech, but one of her interviews she gives and she talks about she doesn't have room for jealous friends.

Period. End of sentence. And I don't have, I mean, my, my time is so precious to me now, my energy that I don't wanna spend it where I've got to decipher what the fuck you're saying and whether or not what you're saying is what you mean. And. It's funny 'cause I, I've had this happen a couple times recently where I've like been like, Ooh, I don't, I don't like that.

And [00:28:00] either you meant it maliciously or you're really ignorant in the, in the words you chose either one. You're too old to be doing either one of those things. And so what I've done is I've allowed myself to. You've heard me say it before, and your daughter's gonna like editing this one. Let go of the turd, you know?

And now it's time to release them. Not just put them on the bench, but release them. Cut 'em, cut 'em from the squad, get the tribe that is going to look at you and go, I don't like that outfit on you. And then they're gonna go, Ooh. And you could tell them, I don't care. But they're not gonna give it halfway.

You know, they're gonna tell you. And they're not gonna be partial. And I know this is interesting for me, Joe, do women do this? But I also think men do it because I've seen men do it. Men do it [00:29:00] differently though. A little bit. Um, kind of toughen up and take it. And it's interesting because it's the same thing.

It's calling into question you. But not doing it in a way that is like, Hey, I wanna see you grow. I wanna see you be this, I wanna see you that let's go. And it's more of a, and you know, simple as tearing down. But I loved that paragraph before the critic because it defines the critic. And I will say this in my experience.

Is that when I have had the courage to go and let those people go, oh no, you need to go find some other friends. We used to say this, um, and when I worked in with companies that were resizing, [00:30:00] you know, we were optimizing the workforce, you know, well, I'm optimizing my social circle, you know, I'm letting them find other opportunities for friendship.

You know, we used to say we're letting them find other opportunities for, for employment, you know, but think about it, who are your five, who's your 95%? If you wanna make it big, who's your 95%? Are they swimming? This is a, I may have said this before, but I'll say it again. I was, um, selling, I was learning how to sell better at Deloitte.

And, um, I had a call with a, a woman who was a senior manager at Deloitte. She had won an award and she was really great. She told me three things. First of all, the first two were people only really care about two things. One, how much work, what's it, how's it gonna make 'em look how much work they have to do?[00:31:00]

But then the third thing she said to me about success. In business. And she wasn't like selling small deals like mine. She was smelling selling like $10 million deals at a pop. And she was like, you get in the boat, that's already rowing. So if the boat is rowing, and I'm, like I said before, if I'm swimming upstream and I'm the only one going in this direction, whether it be growth or whatever, then maybe I'm in the wrong boat with the wrong people and sometimes.

I am in the wrong boat because I'm swimming in the wrong direction for the wrong reasons, and they kick my ass out of the boat.

And sometimes that's been good because I've, I've not been willing to let go of people, places and things. And so again, I've had them taken away from me. But I will tell you that when I have had the courage to go, my time is [00:32:00] valuable. I am valuable. I am doing this for the growth of myself and for moving forward.

Whether it be in business, I'm gonna take this risk, I'm gonna put it out there, and I am going to fuck fear and show up, and I'm gonna take my hits. I'm gonna try to hold my hands up, keep my chin down, and stay off the ropes. But I'm gonna get hit sometimes and I'm gonna do that. And the people around me, my tribe around me, I like my five.

They're my starting five. I'm good with them and I've got some and my, I like my 95% now when I'm sometimes sitting down with people and I get those either mixed messages or straight up cynicism. They also say this in one of the stories in the book, in, in aa, the big book, it says, you, you recoiled and they talk about alcohol, but you recoil after a while.

You recoil from it like a hot flame. And Joel, I don't know if you've ever done this [00:33:00] work. You've been around something or someone that just isn't good, good for you, for whatever reason, and you're not around them, you've let them go or do whatever, you know, Mel Robbins calls it, let them or whatever, but, but you've, you know, you've moved on.

And then you're around that either someone liked them or or, or themselves. And you go, Ooh, I don't want any more of that. Oh yeah, that's, that's why I left that one alone. Now I don't need to put that turd back in my pocket. And I think that is the beauty is when you start to go, oh yeah, I don't want that.

I have a mug, um, that says, you are everything that I don't want anymore. And I like that mug because I use it for people, places and things, jobs, relationships. Do I want this anymore? And if not, why [00:34:00] are you in my orbit? And no, we can't have everybody in our orbit. And sometimes I'm the asshole bumping around in other people's orbits and I try really hard not to be.

But who are your five? Who's at 95% and maybe life would be easier and you could get, gain more ground, whatever ground that is, if you weren't the only one rowing in that direction. So, ladies, gentlemen, think about it. I don't know. Where are you at today? Are you in the car? Are you sitting at home? Waiting for the kids to come home.

Are you picking up McDonald's on the way to pick up the kids? You know, where are you? And who are those five? Who are those people in your who's in your tribe? And do they belong to be there? Do they deserve to be there? [00:35:00] Not belong to be there, but do they deserve to be in your tribe?

You are enough. Are they enough? And then look around and go, am I enough for them? Am I rowing in the right in the same direction? Am I showing up for them or am I holding some sort of contempt or jealousy for their growth? Or do I celebrate their wins? Do I celebrate them and do I do it outside my head and outside my heart and into my action?

I think that is so big. You know, love to me is a verb and, and people that show up love me. People that don't, they can feel kindhearted towards me and all this stuff, but if they don't take action that is helping me, [00:36:00] or they're giving me backhanded comments, con compliments, they can keep 'em right.

This is a, this is an interesting one for us, but it's like I said before, how much of the good stuff do you want? So who's your starting five? Who's your 95% and who is in the arena getting their ass kicked with you? And

if not, why are you interested? In their feedback and why are you giving yourself who's so precious and so wonderful access to you?

Raise the bar.

Until next time, ladies, gentlemen, tubs.

[00:37:00]