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Finding life after loss, Two Dancing Widows dives into the stories of resilience, hope, and transformation. Hosts Toni and Hettie welcome new guests each week, from widowers and life coaches to those battling severe illness, who share their journeys through struggle and their paths back to joy. This podcast is for anyone navigating grief or simply looking for inspiration to live and love deeply again. Tune in for heartfelt conversations that remind us all that healing, while challenging, is a dance worth stepping into.
Coming up on this episode of Two Dancing Widows.
It was the worst conversation I ever had on a whole entire life.
Oh wow!
He is 58, like I said I'm 56, right?
He starts out by saying,
I said, let's just get this out the way right now.
How many women do you have?
How many children do you have?
Because I just need to know that right now.
Because I could tell based on his persona that, you know,
there was ladies man.
Correct, correct.
He said he had, I don't want to tell you too,
he has six kids and five baby moms.
Oh okay.
And so I was like, what?
And so then, so now I'm on the phone like, I can't do it.
And so he was like, I don't see what the problem is.
All my kids are grown.
I said, but there's some mentality with that.
And that's what I'm, that's what I'm talking about.
Yes, that's true.
The character of your character.
And then he goes on further and say, some of the women
track me into having kids.
Yes, yes.
So that's the difference.
So then, so here we go with another mentality issue.
Yes.
So you have no accountability towards the fact that, you know,
I could see once and I give you three kids at 58.
I give you three, right?
Two different baby moms, whatever it is.
Right.
I'm good with that.
But you keep going on and on and on.
Like when do you learn the lesson if they're trying to track me?
Yes.
So that's another thing.
Welcome to Two Dancing Widows, the podcast where we explore life
after loss, resilience after heartbreak, and the beauty of
rediscovering yourself.
In this week's episode, we dive into a heartfelt and
candid conversation about the challenges and surprises of
stepping into the world of online dating after loss.
Our guest, Naena Hill, shares her journey of rediscovery
from navigating dating apps to redefining her own boundaries
and expectations.
Join hosts Tony and Heddy as they explore Naena's powerful insights
on finding joy, setting standards, and embracing the unexpected
moments that bring us closer to who we are meant to be, whether
you're seeking inspiration, connection, or just a good laugh,
this episode will leave you feeling uplifted and empowered.
So settle in and get ready for another meaningful conversation on
Two Dancing Widows.
Let's keep dancing.
Get on top.
Hi listeners, I just am recording now because we're having a
girls lunch at my house just hanging out doing nothing around the
kitchen table.
But we've been talking about some pretty hot topics, so I thought
you should take a listen.
Ladies do not let this disturb your flow.
We're talking about how young is too young to date.
Well, this is Heddy and I'm chiming in.
If you remember our very last talk was about how it was about
letting go.
What we talked about was how sometimes the life you planned is not
the life you have.
And so you have to learn how to accept that and accept the one
which is waiting for you in order to do better and to be successful
in life.
And we talk about different ways to do that.
And one of the things that we did talk about was believing in
yourself.
And as we get off on a ramble that time as we sometimes do,
we started talking about well, when you become a widow or
divorce day or whatever other catastrophic change in your
life has caused you to turn a different way away from the
plan.
How do you find happiness?
How do you find satisfaction?
So we started talking about dating and we did a little bit of
discussion about these new online sites.
So I think I admitted to you that I had recently signed up for
one.
Let me tell you, I am anxious to tell you all about it.
But before we get to that, I want to introduce our guests.
We are here today with a younger version of ourselves.
And she is here not just because we enjoy her, but we feed off of
her knowledge.
And she actually is kind of in the same boat we are.
So we are suffering through the same identity crisis as it
relates to how do you make yourself over?
How do you find happiness?
How do you have enough faith in yourself to go forward and to
accept the new life that you have?
So our guest today is Ms. Naena Hill.
And she actually is only 56.
But she just retired from her long, held job at University
Chicago as a top advisor to the, what the right to do.
She is a president and a dean of the college there, one of the
colleges there.
And now, because she is so young, she has to go out and recreate
herself.
And she has some ideas about that.
But more importantly than that, we actually got her here.
Because she also is a truck, as she's trying to get into this
thing of online dating.
And I don't think even though she's young, and let me tell you,
she is really, really cute.
And I don't think she's had any more success than us old
teasers of hat.
But I'd like to introduce her to you, let her say hello.
And as we continue to talk, we're hoping that she'll join in and share
with you information or things that she's learned about the
process of just accepting the life that is waiting for you rather
than the one that you have planned.
Hi there, everyone.
I'm Naina.
Thank you, Heidi, for that introduction.
I did start the process of trying to do the online dating.
I was on two apps.
Just recently got off of them, both of them, after 30 days.
And some of you might think that's not enough time.
But in actuality, I felt like it was too much time.
The bottom line is, I did meet a couple nice men.
I'll just say that first.
I went on a couple dates.
And there was no chemistry for me for either one of them,
from either one of them to me.
They were physically attracted to me, but I was not physically
attracted to them.
And unfortunately, it does take the physical in order to try to
peel back the onion of the other stuff that you really need.
So that being said, one guy was very nice,
would love to introduce him to someone else, but nothing that I'm
looking for.
Another guy that I was with, he was like six four.
And all he kept saying is how small I was.
I don't know that meant exactly, but it was, it made me uncomfortable.
And that being said, again, no physical attraction from me to
either of them, but I didn't think it was a bad thing.
But if I could tell you all of the men that were in my,
that I guess liked and in my inbox and all of that,
all my goodness, I'm 56.
I get put the age range that I was looking at.
55, I think to 65 is what I did.
There are a lot of men in their 60s who could easily be in their 80s.
And when I'm seeing a lot of men are not taking care of themselves,
they're not in good health.
They, you know, teeth are important to me.
They're just some characteristics that I see that I didn't care for.
And people in other states, even though I said I wanted someone,
you know, within 50 miles of Chicago, there's just a lot of to me.
It was a waste of time.
It was too much time.
To me, it was taking away too much of my time trying to go through all of this to me garbage.
So I'm no longer on a date in sight.
And I think I'm good with that decision.
I really want to just focus on going out and doing those things that interest me.
And hopefully at that point, I'll bump into someone that is interested as well.
And then we can start that journey together.
And that's where I'm at.
So how good I ask how young is two young, your 56 would you date a 36 year old?
Absolutely not.
Okay, 46?
No.
Okay, tell us why not.
I'm 56, but I've been married three times.
So I just throw that out there.
And those three marriages, what I recognize is that I was at different points in my life.
And so I made those decisions based on where I was.
And so if I were 18 again, what I would tell my 18 year old self is,
become the best version of yourself emotionally, physically and financially.
And then look at the options that are presented to you at that time,
because we are still evolving.
And as women, I don't think we really understand who we are until we're 40 plus.
And a man, as they say all the time, they take a long, they take longer to mature.
So that's the other part of this.
I would like to have a man who has already had their children and their children are grown.
And then the other part of that is because I am 56 and I grew up in a different era.
I don't want someone has your locks rubber bands, hits, guards, twists.
I know that sounds.
Sounds fine to me.
I don't think that's judgmental.
I think that's what you.
That's my preference.
Yes, preferences.
And I have to say, so I signed up on mine, because I'm quite a bit older than you.
I signed up that I wanted someone between 68 and 80.
Interestingly enough, even one from yesterday, I get a lot of guys that are in their 40s to 50s.
A lot in their early 60s.
And even when, you know, the ones especially that are young, because I'm so concerned about boring people's self-image and all that, you know, I respond and I go, well, you know, I think you really, you know, nice looking, this then the other.
And I think that you make a good match for someone, but I don't want someone the same age as my oldest child.
But I wish you the best of luck.
And interestingly enough, some will come back and say, well, I just think you look like a classy lady and I'd love to meet you if you change your mind.
Let me know or reach out to me.
And I find that interesting because I'm not sure if they're looking for a nurse or mother.
Certainly at that age, they wouldn't be looking for a person because they should be making their own money.
But the opposite of that is that I'm not looking for necessarily a man who is working or we're having to work for a living.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm retired and I've retired from the work that I've done and, you know, the benefits that I have.
And I'm able to do quite well.
I'm looking for someone that is the same because if we sum up the travel, it frees us up to just be leisurely with each other or to just sort of wake up and just do what we want to do.
Drive across country, if we decide to do it that day, not someone who was bound by a job, especially the type of person that I would want the in the type of job that he would have now.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't look at someone who was a janitor or bus driver, but I would look at someone who was really dedicated to what they did.
And someone who was serious about it and who really felt like they were contributing in the field, which they had chosen.
So to have that type of feeling about your job would mean that you would have a dedication that wouldn't allow you to sort of frivolously just leave the location and go off on a trollop or whatever with, you know, someone posing as your next love affair, I guess.
Very good and I can understand that I could understand that, but if there was a guy who was a business owner and he was 55 65.
And he could leave where he could do those things with you, would that be OK.
I've actually had some gentlemen reach out that say that their business owners that are older.
Yes. And but again, the dedication that it takes to building a business.
And I know that route and you know from a family business owners.
And the work that it takes to get it going, the energy that it takes to keep your employees on track and, you know, that all saying about when the cats away the mice would play.
And so you have a lot to do just as a business owner.
If you are rather than that, the type of entrepreneur who is who maybe has one or two businesses that are so sustaining or you put people into place where you may be the board member more or less.
More likely rather than our top executive more likely than the day to day person.
I would not have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with any of it, but for me and my choice.
I would prefer that it be someone that has time matching somewhat of my own time and things to do.
OK. Have you are you still on the site?
Oh, yes. Let me tell you about my recent. Oh, God.
Now this. It was hilarious to me.
But then I do have a way of tickling myself sometimes.
So one gentleman reaches out and he says, hey home girl.
Tony, I think you were there when we read that one last week and we looked at him and thought, well, you know, he's kind of nice looking.
I was wary because he said he was Native American and I thought to myself, are you registered on the bread?
Because I mean to really claim that. Absolutely.
You would have.
And even if you didn't live on. Yes. You would. You really.
That's true. Because you know, Native Americans, they do.
Yes. I have registered with their tribes.
So I didn't ask a net though, but he says, hey, home girl.
So I said back and I said, well, how do you know I'm your home girl because you live in smelling Georgia.
And he said, well, I looked at, you know, where you are from and it's that Chicago area.
And I grew up there. So I said, oh, nice.
And you know, what are you doing now? And he said, well, how about we talk.
And I can tell you that. So he sends me his number.
Well, I called him.
I think it must have been six o'clock Sunday night. No, seven o'clock. It was after 60 minutes.
I was seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, thirty.
And I stayed on the phone with him for probably a four hour hour, our 15.
Oh, that's right. I was horrible. Oh, no.
It was horrible. He asked me about myself for the first five minutes.
And then the middle of me telling him, oh, if you ask me about my kids first and the middle of me telling him, he interrupted start talking about his kids.
And this that told me about himself.
And here's the deal about him.
Oh, you know, he says he was retired. And he was so glad to be out of there.
And I said, oh, really, where'd you retire from?
So he said, well, I was a vice president at Chess and he didn't know that I think and know that there are many vice presidents and all these banks.
Right. I mean, even if he said there's a regional vice president, because when he started talking about the cafeteria and all, I knew he wasn't an executive office because they don't.
They don't share facilities, you know, like that.
And he started talking about how he had an old computer.
He was really mad about it. And when the new president came, he said, don't give him a new computer.
His was five years old and all the newer people came in had younger had, you know, newer equipment.
And I thought, well, as an executive, you could have made that decision yourself.
And then he tells me about how, you know, he got in his 15 years and he was right there ready to, I know, 15 years right.
Tony just looking at me.
We are people that have worked like 40 years in a job.
So when somebody says 15 years, we're like, huh, duh.
Yeah.
And he says, oh, I was a few days away from that.
I told the boss that I was going to retire, but I didn't want him to announce it until the day I was leaving because I didn't want any
accolades or anything like that in his celebration.
And then he goes on to tell me that he told the reminded the boss that morning, he said, I know, and he made an announcement and he left.
And while he was gone, someone called him from the bank and said, oh, you know, we're so sad to see you go.
We've loved to celebrate you and have some cake or cupcakes here.
And he said, and they said, is there anything we can do for you?
We just want to celebrate you.
And he said, yeah, y'all can kiss my ass.
And I know, no, I know, I know.
So that told me a lot about his character right there.
And then he started telling me about his deals that he's doing now that he is flipping houses and he told me that there was one that was 30,000,000, but he got it for 20.
And then there was another one I know right for 15,000, he got it.
I thought, dude, any like you've given $200,000 and flipping them into million dollar houses.
What are you talking about?
Where are these houses?
And then he started telling me about the Ferrell hogs in Atlanta.
And I was like, and of course, now I sit there with my iPad because I'm checking everything out that he said.
And they really are Ferrell hogs.
And he's like, oh, they're in Illinois too.
And so I looked at that.
Oh, it's really a problem for you.
And he's like, oh, yeah, you know, they eat this and they do that.
And they're just running wild.
And I saw one on the corner and I went out there and I told people to go the other way.
And you know, to avoid the hog and I called the police to come and call animal control.
They just stay on the phone.
That's what I was thinking.
That's what I was thinking.
I kept saying, I kept saying, I kept saying, I kept saying, wow.
I kept saying, oh, my, wow.
That's really interesting.
You know, and so then I would say, well, you know, and then he go on to some other story.
And so he says to me, he goes, so where exactly are you?
Because my people are from four heights.
Well, I was like, oh, shit.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
I'm gone.
I ain't nothing.
I'm dead.
We should retract that.
Nothing gets there.
Actually, some very nice.
How was the very nice people in four heights.
But I don't get the feeling that he was one of them.
And then he tells me that while he graduated from, I guess, when the Phillips or somewhere down the city.
And then he says, well, I have a son who lives in home with so you know, every now and then I come, come up and visit him.
And so I named a couple of resort areas that are far from him in Atlanta.
Some like are you familiar with, you know, this area or like the fire and sleep resort.
And he's like, no, I've never heard of him.
I'm like, are you familiar with the Reynolds.
So you were just bored at that point.
And that you know, because you know that he wasn't familiar with.
No, no, I'm thinking what he might have heard about them.
Like, in a circle that you run in, you know, you may not have.
And so I said to him, I said, well, you don't have friends that have property in Atlanta.
And they have their like summer homes or their weekend homes and these resort areas, their big golf communities thinking, well, maybe he golf or does something like that.
He's like, no, I never heard of that. But I'm sure I could find on the map.
And he's like, when I say Greensboro, Georgia, he goes, you mean Greensboro, North Carolina, I'm like, no, I mean Greensboro, Georgia, which is about sending miles from your house.
Oh, yeah, because we told me where he was.
Yeah, because I was thinking, okay, that could be honest, because if you said Greensboro, for me, first thing that will pop in my head would be North Carolina.
Yeah.
But if it's very close to my house, that's a little different way to Atlanta possible.
Yeah.
And I just thought, you know, this is going nowhere.
So I said eventually I said, well, okay, and he says, oh, well, look, you know, I got to get off now because I got to fix myself something to eat.
And I'll talk to you soon. And I hope that, you know, we'll get a chance to see each other. Just any other.
And I just thought, oh, brother. So he hung up, I hung up and thankfully he is not called me nor have I reached out to him.
And I checked the caller ID just to be sure because I wanted, I didn't want to block the brother.
And I thought I may have to do that if he turned out to be one of those. So that was my one long elongated experience.
I've had no dinner dates, no, I've had a couple of people offer.
But you know, when I really look into the things that they've said, like a lot of guys at that age are saying things like, I want a God fair woman.
I thought, what the hell is that? Who is God? Not that I don't know who God is, but do they mean as the God in them?
I'm just going to be crazy and then, you know, and it's like, I don't want to spend my, I spent my childhood on my knees and Catholic church.
Do I have to, you know, and I'm not knocking it? It's not my choice. I like a 45 minute, 50 minute service. Sometimes I look at it on zone.
And I'm done. I don't volunteer at the church. And I'm not proud of that. I'm just on the truth about that.
You know, I put in my money and I put in what I think I should put in, you know, I'm not typing because I typed in my community.
Correct. You know, I typed with the diversity of the old door. Yes. And all the organizations where you have that's true. Absolutely.
Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. You know, and I think it's all in the spirit of giving. Yes. But some of these guys, like what you said, Nina, I can't believe how there are so much young in me and look so much older.
And that's what I'm saying. So I just feel like the day now is have a lot of low hanging fruit. That's what I would say on the site. And I hate to say.
So where do we find the guys that you're looking at? So to your point, you're telling me, I am now trying to just be open to who?
To who? Ever where? Right. So I'm just in that space of, I don't know where I'm going to meet my next next connection. And I feel like everybody you meet. It is for a reason.
You know, I mean, I'd be, you know, true relationship.
For say, but so everybody has something to offer. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Case in point. This is where I try. As long as they're not offering pharaoh hogs.
He was just trying to tell you to be careful.
That's horrible. But my, my daughter, 26 lives on me. She had a blow out for her and their tire. So triple A, you know, that I pay for that she, you know, that's a kind of tie.
So the long story short, the car needed to be taken to the tire shop in order to get the tire replaced the tow truck driver that came rolled up playing JB change brand.
Like, everybody loves her. He right. Right.
And he was like, I don't see who he is, but the music is lab. So he came out.
He will remain English, but he got out of the truck and he was, you know, very nice looking man.
I would say in my age, I found out later he was 58. Nice smile, nice teeth. Look like he took care of himself. That's just really what stood out for me. He didn't have a good belly.
So, you know, I don't know. So I'm just trying to be open. So we have a little dialogue, you know, a little banter that I like, you know, I like the bands that I worked out.
So anyway, long story short, we exchanged numbers. He calls 24 hours later.
And we rewind and say my daughter gets in a car with in the tow truck with him to go to the to the tire shop to get the tire taken care of.
And he is quizzing her about who, you know, you get along with your mom, you know, because of course she's down to text him.
So, okay, set that aside. He calls the next day, 24 hours later.
And it was the worst conversation I ever had my whole entire life.
Oh, wow. He is 58, like I said, I'm 56, right? He starts out by saying, um, I said, let's just get this out the way right now.
How many women do you have? How many children do you have? Cause I just need to know that right off.
Cause I could tell based on his persona, you know, there was ladies man, correct, correct, correct.
He said he had, I don't want to tell you. He has six kids and five baby moms.
Okay. So I was like, what?
And so then, so now I'm on the phone like, I can't do it.
And so he was like, I don't see what the problem is. All my kids are grown. I said, but it's a mentality with that. And that's what I'm, that's what I'm trying to do.
The character of your character in Denny goes on further to say, some of the women trapped me into.
Yes. Yes. So here we go with another mentality issue.
You have no accountability. To is the fact that, you know, I could see once and I, I give you three kids at 58.
I give you three, right. Two different baby moms, whatever it is. Right. I'm good with that.
So you keep going on and on and on. Like, when do you learn the lesson if they're trying to trap you?
So that's another thing. So then he wants to know how many times I have been married. Oh, and he had never been married.
That was the other part. Oh, yeah.
And so then he wants to know, well, how you been married? And I was like, yes, I've been married three times.
And he was all three times. I say, yes. And I'm not, I'm not ashamed of that. Right. And I said, but I have one child.
I don't have three children, but three different men. Right. And so then he was like, so you try and say, guys, you better than I'm saying what I'm saying.
You take it how you want to. Right.
So then the last thing that made me get off the phone with him was the fact that he said, so you must have taken a married all of me and it took their money.
And that's what you, I was like, I don't know what kind of low vibrational women you, oh, no, this is this was the next to the last thing.
I don't know what kind of low vibrational women you've been talking to, but this is not her and I recognize you don't know me.
But no, I didn't take anybody's money because I always have my own. Right.
The last thing last thing was I said, why don't we try to see if we can cook up to see if we even like each other because all of this back banter back and forth on the phone.
You know, yeah, you can't tell.
Right. And so this is the last thing in the reason why his number is deleted.
And he says to me, well, you know, y'all women, be one to go outside just to go out with a man and have a meal.
Did you go click? I said this conversation is over. Thank you for your time. Wow. Well, listen, I didn't tell you about Mr. Farahawk.
He also had been married three times, which was fine. I never problem with it. But every time he divorced, it was the woman's fault.
And the same thing one of them tricked him. One of them, you know, baited him.
The other one turned out to be bipolar. Now he already told me about his job. I he left it with 15 years.
So you know, and again, I think I said I retired to 62. So I get a pension. I think what kind of pension you get with 15 years from a vice president at a bank.
Then I really a bank is just a receptor, you know, of like folks of money or whatever. I just thought, so yeah, I hear you when you talk about there are certain things that are turn off.
And one of them being like this woman trapped me because you know, I'm not going to say that that's not some women's mentality.
But at the same time, what is your mentality to accept that? And especially in today's role in fact, the last 25 years, you know, there was a time when I came up when you got pregnant, you got married.
We were talking 60 years ago. That's right. Today, you get pregnant and you both agree to custody and how you're going to take care of the child and what's in the best interest of the child.
You don't have to get married and suffer the indignities of a relationship where there is no love and try to raise children in an environment where there is no love. So that that's a turn off.
Yeah, it was again, very nice looking man, but you said having his way obviously. And I'm not the one other two. That's why I tell people all the time, like, you know, once I see those reflex, I'm out.
Okay, again, I'm going to ask the question. I ask everyone this. Where do we find those people? I mean physically spots to go to. How do you find them?
We talked to we interviewed a couple recently Ralph and Pat and she said that and they're, I think they're about our age.
Yeah. And she said what she did is she asked her closest male friends to find her. If they knew somebody that was really a good guy to find somebody for her. And that's how she ended up finding Ralph.
Because she said she felt like she could trust them to know exactly the kind of man she was looking for. And they wouldn't hook her up with somebody that wasn't a good guy.
But I hear you, Eddie, on that response to that and saying, yeah, but sometimes they won't hook you up at all.
My husband's friends and my friends, because they both of our friends had for some of the years and we've belonged to a couple of couples clubs.
And so you know, you know, somebody been in a club for 20, 25 years, 30 years. And somebody's guys even knew even before that. And you know, 40 years.
And you asked them because they're good guys. They're good fathers to good husbands. You know, their wives have their complaint.
Right. Everyone's right. Everybody does. That's why. Yes. But they're good guys. Yes. And you asked them. And they're like, oh, you know, I'm not, baby, I don't know nobody and this that the other.
And then I said, well, what about this person? Well, you know, they all seem to have a loyalty to my husband that makes it appear is though they would be doing an injustice to him as if he's still alive.
Which in that case, I would never ask them if we have been divorced. I don't, I don't think I would never ask them to be just low to a friend. Right.
But my husband is deceased. Yes. Yes. And they all know that it's a very public. Yes. He's gone. Right. And so they know him as friends. Yes.
And then you know, in in root to have been hopefully. Well, I know he is. But yeah. Anyway, so I don't understand. So that route has not worked for me. And I asked Liz the other day because her husband, you know, as she we've been friends almost 50 years.
And I said, Liz, you know, you think Charles girl, no, no, no. I'm like, when I asked him, she said, what did he say? I said, he said he didn't know anybody. And I said, I know he knows, you know, people.
His retired school teacher and this that and the other. And she said, you know, he knows people, but everybody knows sick of dying. So that's what happened to us Tony.
When we were at the art exhibition, he wanted to know where all the men were going to ask her so nicely. I mean, you know, we were having a good time. I'm looking around the room.
All these people are very interesting and having great conversations. And I say, had he where the guys are age. She looks at me just so nicely. And she goes there did.
And I just thought, well, what a horrible thing to say to me. They're all dead. And she said, yeah, there it is. So, but I'm thinking they're not. But again, remember Ralph said to us, some of them aren't in the greatest or shape.
And some of them are hobbling on one bad hip and he said a lot of the guys feel bad about that. And they're afraid to put themselves out there because they feel they'll be rejected because they're like you're an old man who can barely walk.
So who wants to go out with you? And he said there are a lot of nice guys out there, but they're afraid because they're not in their fighting shape anymore.
So I don't know is that important to you? Not necessarily. It's so funny that you would say that because I was actually reading this thing at this guy and a wheelchair had written.
Yes, or he was saying he was, it was not something guy. I don't know why he's in a wheelchair. But he said, you know, I may look like I'm not strong or what, but I'm very strong. I'm very committed. I've always been. He was a little.
I've always been a woman of man. He said, I don't judge people. I get along well with others and I'm presentable wherever we need to go. And I love to travel.
And yeah, and he said, you know, some other things that were very nice about he was just looking for a willing partner that would just be as much to him as he wanted to be to them.
And he didn't want anyone that just felt like they couldn't deal with who he was. Yes, because he was pretty open about who he might meet.
And I thought he had written it in so lovely. All everything girl, you know, for you, Naena, all the spelling was correct. All the birds were conjugated correctly.
Yes. And there were well, you know, and there was nothing wrong with the way that he wrote.
Yes. And so many, he may speak that way or maybe he does spell check that. I don't know if you can even do that.
But I thought, you know, this guy would be as he was, he was like 79.
Well, maybe, you know, five or six years of better than nobody. Yes. But then I thought, nah, you know, I don't know about this.
So I just left it alone. But I'll have to show you. Yeah, you guys are showing up. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Or another one I came across have to show you guys. But yeah, my, I signed up on like you for 90 days. So my 90 days are going to expire the end of like I think it's not going to 30th.
And I am not interested in reupping really. No, I don't feel as though. You know, I think I think in a way, I don't understand it because some of the guys that I've reached out to and I did find a figure out how to see if they have read it.
Or they hadn't read it. Many of them is says delivered. But then they've been unread. So I was talking to one to, well, to Mr., you know, Farrell hogs.
And he was saying that he wasn't going to renew and he had done for 30 days. And he was saying, and I said, what happens if you don't renew? He said, well, I don't know.
I guess it just hangs out there. I think the some of those profiles are just out there. Okay. And that's why where it says did not read the people.
Because I can't imagine if you're on here unless you met someone and then why not take it down. Right. Why would you not read.
So the old fashioned way seems like maybe the best way.
I don't know what's the best way because I was going to actually ask not, you know, how different would it be if someone had introduced you to someone like a brother or a cousin that they thought were nice.
But then, you know, maybe the conversation is different with a girlfriend. How do you feel that your interaction with actually these minutes you met online is different from any interaction where you've met a person or even, you know, at church, at a bar and a social event on the job.
That's a great question.
So of course, my girlfriends have tried to introduce me to guys. And you know, I've talked to them.
I've talked to them in my friends on between online and actually face to face, initial face to face or even being introduced to someone that you know is that you have a point of reference.
So I think that's the most important thing.
You know, in Chicago, we do this. We associate something about you based on where you grew up, where you went to high school, where church should you go to?
We make certain assumptions. And I don't know if the assumption is the right word, but at least we have a point of reference so we can kind of say, oh, you're from the low.
You understand. We kind of know something about the air.
When you're online, we don't know who these people are. We don't know anything really about them, but what they tell us.
And so it's always trying to go backwards and figure out that connect something that connects you to them or something you can understand.
When you do me someone through someone, I think it's better because at least they've been vetted through that person.
Or at least you know something about that person that puts you guys together and thought you guys were work for.
So I think that's the biggest difference.
And I'm not patient enough to try to get to know someone on the phone.
Like I really don't, if you're not lively, a lively conversationalist, I don't want to talk to you on phone.
If you're not lively in your chatter on the text, I'm not interested.
And I think that that takes up a lot of time to get to that point.
You know, like I go morning, how you know, if one more person sent me some of the more beautiful, what are, what are we talking about?
Like I even do that once, even twice.
Every time you need to be talking about, okay, can we meet up?
Can we, because we're too old.
I don't have time like that.
Well, well, that's interesting that you would say that because you're really not a talkative person yourself.
You're quite, quite typically.
You're talking today because you're with us to women that adore you and love you.
And we're like your, your mother and you are my, you know, always in my bonus daughter.
Absolutely.
I'm proud of that.
It's in a view.
But you're not a conversationalist up, you know, from a writing standpoint that you write, explicitly.
But I don't see you doing a flourishing thing on the internet to someone.
So why is it important that they be more prolific in that aspect than what you are?
I think that I want someone, and this is me, I want someone to bring that out of me because it's definitely there.
It's just a matter of make me want to, you know, like I had some guy with Sam briefly.
You're going to be my woman of what?
What does being your woman mean?
Right.
And if you can't tell me what that means besides you're going to be all men, then I don't want to part.
Because for me, you need to be able to articulate what is it?
What's the advantage of me belonging to you if you want to put it that way?
And this is a man that's up for 60s.
So it's someone that I've known for many years and have always tried to talk to me.
You know how you had those folks that always, I know you're a remember.
And folks that's always there.
It's never cool.
Tell me she said I know you're a remember.
I know you man have to reach you.
Right.
But somewhere.
No, I don't remember it.
I would be young.
Right.
That's right.
Right.
Oh, I was going to have recognized as all those people that always want to talk to you and you finally get them a chance to lead them with it.
Yeah, yeah.
That's true.
That's the lesson.
That is the kind of truth.
So that was that's the biggest thing.
I think that the person that takes the time to try to get to know me will really get to know me.
And I'll be able to feel comfortable.
And that's the next thing for me at 56.
I want to have someone.
And this is the biggest thing and I've because I thought about of course, how do you make me feel?
Oh, yeah.
Do you make me want to?
Like you know, when the gas say you're going to be my woman of what?
And I'm thinking, what was my, and he said, you'll be our mind.
And so I said, okay, again, what does that mean for me?
So it's all about how someone makes me feel.
And I want someone to make me want to.
And I don't know how to drill down and say that any better than that.
But I would like for someone to feed me enough to make me want to be that woman that I know is inside of me.
And that I can feel comfortable.
I can feel protected.
I can feel like you got me.
You make me.
And I don't want to say secure because it's not about secure because I'm a very secure person with who I am.
However, I would like for the person that I find to intertwine my life with to be able to bring out that woman in me.
And I don't know how to say that better.
I think it's actually said really well.
Yes.
And I think it's just the thing I'm listening to you.
And that's exactly what I have read that some of the men have said, you know, to me or online.
And I've been a little bit shocked, surprised and appalled by it.
So.
And only because I feel like that sounds like work.
I mean, because I don't think I want to pull that out of you.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just too surfacedly surface oriented because I want you to have all those charms and all of this and all that.
And I think I want our biggest struggle to be just, you know, deciding where we're going to vacation and where we're going to have dinner.
And you know, who's house we're going to your kids, my kids, whatever.
On which holiday.
I want to feel that my ever essence is not, you know, a put down to you.
And that you don't feel like you have to talk.
If you don't want to, but I also don't want to be feel like I have to talk if I don't want to.
I want to value and treasure when you're watching the game.
And I'm, you know, playing a game where we in the newspaper talking to a friend.
I want to feel that you're not going to fill left out.
I like solubifications are like occasions with my girls that if I'm going to vacation with my girls and we've been all over the world together.
And if I say we're going to South Africa tomorrow, but you're going to be okay with that.
And that will, you know, why not will you didn't ask me to go?
So I need to feel that a person has a certain confidence and ability to, you know, raise his own flag and up.
So the ability to say I'm sorry.
If it mean, if you know, if he feels that way rather than just pounding, I don't know how much.
I want a grown change or improve on someone.
So and I know that in theory, that's not what you're saying.
But those are some of the words that were said that made me feel that's what people needed.
And I'm going to say this because we are at two points a lot different.
Yes, absolutely.
Don't keep pointing out to you.
No, no, no, no, that's true.
That's true.
This is what it's about for me.
Yes.
I've been in survival mode my whole life.
And I said that I've had three marriages.
And so I was evolving in each of those marriages.
So I'm evolving to this.
So now I'm this new and improved.
And so I am at the point in my life where because I know about your husband.
And I'm like, you got what you needed.
You gave him what he needed.
Y'all, in other words, you had a great marriage.
You know, I can't say that I had a great marriage in any of the three marriages.
Each of them taught me something.
But none of them were great.
None of them were grand.
None of them gave me what I feel is all I need right now today.
So in saying that what your needs are different because you are self-sufficient.
You want to partner in current.
You won't be able to do around.
I do.
And do some things you want to do.
And sometimes you just need a plus one.
Yes.
Exactly.
And absolutely.
That's precisely what I want.
Yeah.
That's what he needs his own place.
I got my own place.
I was going to say that sounds like that sounded like when you were describing that.
That sounded like, well, maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
Right.
Absolutely.
Which is different at our age.
And I have a good friend.
And she has been married three times.
And she's dating a really super nice guy.
She's 76 years old.
And dating a guy that she met at 20 when they were in school together.
How?
Then they were good friends and everything.
But he got married.
She got married.
They had their families.
And they just really recently reconnected as a former classmates funeral.
Yeah.
And discovered they were both free now.
Okay.
And so she said, one of our friends said to her, please don't get married again.
You don't need to marry.
You keep marrying.
And that's just that not been good for you.
And she said to her the same thing you just said to Eddie.
That I understand what you're saying to me, but you've been married almost 50 some years to the love of your life.
Correct.
You have enjoyed life.
You've raised your children.
You have your home.
This is your guy still now.
I am still wanting that.
And that is what I am looking for.
And that's why I feel the need to do it a little bit different than you.
She said if something happened in your husband, you probably wouldn't be looking to get married again.
But for me, that's something that I still.
At this age, I still want that.
And so when you said that to her, I thought, wow, that's yeah.
That's real.
But so Tony, in that case, you've had the love of your life.
Yes.
You've had a wonderful life.
What would make you feel that someone was worthy of getting together and spending time with what are you looking for?
See, I'm looking for something totally different at least right now.
I am.
Do you remember when Ralph said to us, he would tell his friend, brothers, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
Yeah.
And that's kind of how I feel.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
I'm really at this point looking for nothing more than a good, good buddies, good friends.
Somebody to hang out with.
Let's go to the Art Institute and catch the show.
Let's do this or that.
Or my sorority just had a big fundraiser.
Sometimes it's not fun anymore to go by yourself.
And so somebody just to go and dance the night away with and have a good time.
And not necessarily relationship at all, just just to have a good time.
And so that's kind of where I am right now.
Well, that's, you know what, I think that's what I'm looking for.
So we're actually both working for the same because we both look at great guys and great relationships and great marriages.
But yeah, you know, because that's what I do.
I want someone to say, let's go up for dinner.
Yeah.
I want to make you dinner absolutely.
I want to make dinner. I'll grab groceries.
Absolutely.
You do dinner. I'll do dishes.
Yes.
That's what I'm looking for.
And if you know, I mean, if something more comes of it, yes, I'm not opposed to it, but that's not what I need.
Yes.
As this is you express, which I think is perfect.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
No.
But I think that sometimes is just too bizarre because I am so happy.
Yes.
On my own, this weekend I was questioning, even I mean, I got out with friends of a great judge it this.
But I was questioning, do you really have time or relationship?
That's another thing that I think could possibly be a potential problem for us because we are
so busy that we really have to evaluate how much time that person would need and deserve
actually.
To make it a legitimate.
To make it something worthwhile for them.
For them.
Right.
That's true.
Well, that's why I once, one who's probably equally as busy.
That's why I said to someone recently, this is the first time I've ever seen a person
like, they said, well, you know, what do you want?
You want another guy in athletics or whatever.
And I said, not necessarily at my like a fat boy or something like that because you know,
coaches have their own fraternity and they are each other's dearest and most loyal friends.
And they have young people that they tutor the rays that are always forever and ever still around them.
And many of those guys still even check on me.
Absolutely.
You know, a fun thing one just recently took me for my birthday.
Well, see you have to ask them, do they have father fathers and grandfather still?
Well, unfortunately, the one that took me just lost his father.
I took a funeral.
Okay.
So here we go back to their dead.
A father and a brother or whatever.
But, but yeah, so yeah, it is kind of an interesting thing.
I have space in my heart.
Mm hmm.
But maybe I really don't have space in my life.
Yes.
That's that's that's something I wonder about too.
You know, at this point, and I guess you make space.
Mm hmm.
But right now, I'm not sure.
You make space.
I think people do what they want to do.
Yeah.
It's important to them, right?
That's true.
So no matter what it is, if it's important to you, you'll do it.
So, if you find someone that meets your needs on that level,
I think you would move stuff around to accommodate that you we would.
But we should understand.
We're still trying to figure out how do you meet them?
Right.
You know, we're back to that.
Okay.
Wait, before I let you just identify for you, I had flowing hair.
I had long thin legs.
Yeah.
The guy's always, always comfortable to me.
I had a bus line that's set above my, my, my, my, my,
I've got to pull this down.
The line is supposed to be, you know, please just let him.
You know, they, yeah, bus supposed to be up there.
I said, yeah, they are, but they're down there.
Yeah.
You know, and, you know, I'm not, you know, so out of shape or anything like that.
But I mean, I certainly don't have the things that I once had that are automatic magnets that they get you the whistle.
But I certainly feel in some ways that I have more to contribute to a relationship than I ever would have had, you know, years ago.
So how do we meet them?
Did we solve that problem?
No, I personally think that you need to go about to like doing the things that you normally do.
Today, so I work out.
So this is my thing.
So I'm really addicted to it.
Like, you know, I see changes in my body.
So I'm really about it.
When I don't go to the gym, I'm working out at home.
That's the thing.
Yeah, I do really like that.
I'm just, I'm there.
Basically, I feel so guilty.
So today, I went on an off day because it's Tuesday, right?
I usually go Monday, Wednesday, Friday, long story short.
I went to the gym today and as I was going in the gym, there was a guy coming out of the gym.
And I said, oh, excuse me.
Come on.
And he said, good morning.
He looking.
I'm looking, but you know, I'm not looking looking.
I'm trying to look and see my teeth.
I'm like, he's wagging the tails around each other.
Right.
You know, I know.
So in saying that, I'm just going about my day.
I'm doing the stuff that I like doing that gives me pleasure.
I'm just going to say that the men in the men that you guys would be attracted to,
or maybe attracted to you as well, are going to be in those places that you frequent.
And I know you guys do a lot of stuff with your girlfriends.
However, restaurants, and you know, they're all at the golf courses.
And they're all at the museums.
I mean, concerts, you know, it could be a small venue concert.
But they're not by themselves when they're at concerts.
I was thinking we go to Aqua Zumba, which we love, but there are about two or three men
that come to the classes and they're all with their wives.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's just, I think that's indicative of where we live too.
Yes.
Now, do you know that is that is very true.
That's true.
That's true.
That's true.
We're in a small suburban area.
So I can visit.
Yes.
And you know, I'm going to visit a little bit more often.
Family, family areas, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
That makes a difference.
Yeah, that makes a difference.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It makes a huge difference.
Yeah.
That's true.
Even the grocery store we can't buy demand because that's in place.
My girlfriend found her husband in grocery store.
What about Tony?
Tony met online online.
Of course, he's not nearly her equal economically.
But he's her soulmate.
Yeah.
And that they share a lot of stuff.
So you have to understand whether or not that is okay with you.
Right.
Everybody has their.
Yeah.
You got to interject on this.
Yes, please do.
This is definitely just hit me.
So, so you're right.
I think that we have to let go of something.
Yes.
Something.
Yes.
You're not going to get everything at this point.
What's first of all, as you say, mom, the your options change.
Yes.
I'm not attracting what you used to attract.
Even me at 56.
I'm not attracted.
Me.
Me and my age don't want me.
They want 30 somethings.
You understand.
So in saying that.
As it relates to.
Where to go.
I lost my train of thought.
But the about you are not going to get everything you want.
As you like you used to.
So.
I'm not attracted.
It's a lot of people who have been looking at the right.
So, I'm not attracted to the right.
And saying that.
The guy that I'm currently seeing.
Is a friend.
Of an ex boyfriend that I had 20 years ago.
And to your point about the economic part, right?
So economically, I'm at a higher level.
But that doesn't mean that he's less than me.
Absolutely.
And so.
So but you know, when you're younger.
that was someone has, where they live, what they drive, what he's done in just our conversation
is show me so much maturity and emotional intelligence that I don't know that I would have received
from a man that is at my same level or higher.
And I'm not discounting that because most of them in my age, I think are Mary.
And if they're not Mary, they are divorced.
And if they're not divorced, then the kids are still coming to the right.
So I don't want to do any of those things.
I don't want to, you know, nothing against children, but I don't want anybody that has children
that they need to be involved with every day.
So I said that to say, at this juncture, I've had people that were economically in line with
me.
However, I didn't get the emotional part that I really needed that feeds me as a woman.
And I think that's the part that I've just recognized in this little short period of time
as what used to be important is not important anymore because like you said, Mom, you can take
care of yourself.
It's not about that.
It's about the other things that you want and need, I guess, at this juncture.
So sometimes, then I guess we could say values change for shifting needs change and also
understandings change.
What do you think, Tommy?
I think so.
I think it's a wrap.
I'd like to leave everyone with this.
This is the little book.
Do you remember this?
Yes.
How do you give us with these little books?
Oh, yeah, we did have fabulous gifts.
And this one, I carry in my purse.
And I, because there are times that I just feel a little down and I get my little book out.
But I want to leave the audience with this.
I want to regret what might have been.
Except what is, and rejoice in what is yet to be.
We have a great day.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
In the depths of life and praise, finding rhythm at the loss in time and space.
Time and space.
With every step a new story unfolds in the journey.
A beauty of life this told is told.