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What if you could get more of what you want in life? But not through pushing, forcing, or pressure.
You can.
When it comes to money, time, and energy, no one’s gonna turn away more.
And Kate Northrup, Bestselling Author of Money: A Love Story and Do Less and host of Plenty, is here to help you expand your capacity to receive all of the best.
As a Money Empowerment OG who’s been at it for nearly 2 decades, Kate’s the abundance-oriented best friend you may not even know you’ve always needed.
Pull up a chair every week with top thought leaders, luminaries, and adventurers to learn how to have more abundance with ease.
There is never a time that ultimately someone has control over you, and you are allowing that to happen which because of our conversation about a secondary game is serving you in some way. And so our job when we realize that is then to say, like, okay, what is the secondary gain? How is this serving me? What am I getting out of letting myself have the delusion that someone else is actually in control of my life? Welcome to Plenty.
Kate Northrup:I'm your host, Kate Northrup, and together, we are going on a journey to help you have an incredible relationship with money, time, and energy, and to have abundance on every possible level. Every week, we're gonna dive in with experts and insights to help you unlock a life of plenty. Let's go fill our cups. Every now and again, something comes up in the comments, in a DM, in a question that really lights a fire under my ass, and I just have to say something about it. So today is one of those episodes.
Kate Northrup:So a while ago, I was on a call, and in the chat, we were talking about joining a particular program and and a particular investment. And in the chat, somebody wrote and said, I want to do make this investment, but my husband won't let me spend the money. And I did not address it specifically in that moment, because I did not wanna call this person out. I don't know who it was. I just it was a it was a comment I saw out of the side of my side of my vision.
Kate Northrup:However, today, I am going to unpack that because I know how common it is for women to give their financial power away in a variety of ways. Now this one was really direct and overt, like, I want this, but my husband won't let me spend the money. There's so much going on there. And I wanna unpack it today because even if you are not in a position where you overtly are feeling like your choices financially are being limited by someone else who has control over the finances, All of us give our power away in big and small and conscious and unconscious ways when it comes to our money. So there is something in this episode for everyone, and I will be totally transparent.
Kate Northrup:Even as I was thinking about this and planning this, there were some places for me, even in a relationship where Mike and my finances are nearly completely combined, we have the same source of income, which is this company that we own 5050. Even in this scenario where I can't actually imagine a more equal egalitarian setup financially between a man and a woman, even here. There were a few places where I was, like, yep. Even this is for me too. So let's all lean in and address the sweet woman in the comments who said, I want this, yet my husband will not let me spend the money.
Kate Northrup:So number 1, let's start with just the general concept of giving our power away. What often happens in a relationship where one person makes more money than the other person, and it could be any gender, any, you know, a constellation of 2 men to women, non binary, any kind of thing there, there can be a power dynamic created between the individual who makes more money and the individual who makes less money or possibly does not earn money outside the home. Right? So this power dynamic obviously makes sense because in our culture, money equals power. But here's what I wanna say, and I wanna give a shout out to my friend, Sarah Jenks, who first was the one who articulated this for me and made it clear.
Kate Northrup:So this is the specific example of where there is a couple and one person is out there working in the world, and one person is home taking care of the kids. In that dynamic, oftentimes, what will happen is the person who's been staying home taking care of the kids will say, by the time I have paid for what would be required in childcare to allow me to leave the home and go get a job, it doesn't make sense to go get the job because of what the childcare costs. And in that couple, it will be assumed that the income of the stay at home parent should be the one covering the childcare, which is insane given the fact that in that example, there are 2 people. The other one of whom is also responsible for having brought those children into the world. So it'll so often happen that it's like, oh, well, I have to make enough money to cover all the child's care in order to leave the home, but my husband's income does not need to cover any of it.
Kate Northrup:No. No. No. No. No.
Kate Northrup:No. No. If you have children, you need to be 50% at least responsible for the cost of the childcare. This is, of course, hetero you know, hetero couple example. But in this particular case, there are so many women who will not let themselves build their careers or continue their careers because of false math.
Kate Northrup:And it is, like, 1950 in their kitchen talking about this when out here in the world, it's 2024, and 2 people have gone into making a child together, so both people are responsible. So that's one example of a really common way that we're thinking in the wrong way about how funds should be distributed across householding, childcare, homemaking, all of that stuff. So I just wanted to give that one example because I know that that will awaken some things for people. The other thing is this'll this comes up a lot for us when we're talking to you know, the majority of our audience is women, so I'll be talking to women about their money and in the case where they have a partner who brings home more money or that woman is at home, there will be a feeling like, oh, I don't that money is not mine. Right?
Kate Northrup:So the money is being made outside the house by someone else. And therefore, I do not get to make decisions about that money because I didn't earn it myself. Here's what I wanna say about that. If you are someone who is householding, who's holding down the fort, who's taking care of sick kids, who is thinking about if there's food in the gross in the in the fridge, whether you are male, female, non binary, if you are someone who is taking care of the kids, who is walking the dogs, who is keeping a beautiful home, who is doing the unbelievably necessary house holding, caregiving, invisible labor. Right?
Kate Northrup:It's not invisible. It's very visible, but unpaid labor. You have as much right to the financial power as the person who is going out in the world making the money. That might be a radical statement, but I really want us to consider the actual value economically that we are providing if we are the nurturer, the caregiver, the person who's in charge of more of the household tasks, and I want you to actually do the math. What would it cost to hire the most amazing career nanny at the highest pay grade in your area, full time?
Kate Northrup:What would it cost to hire the most incredible housekeeper, house cleaner? What would it cost to hire the most incredible personal assistant and chef? What would it cost to actually hire out all of the things that you do at the absolute highest pay grade in your region? If you add that up, I think you will be amazed by the economic value of the unpaid labor that is being provided, and it may help you to reassess how much financial power you actually have in your relationship. Now I'm just talking about the 3 d here, which is very much like, oh, in our economy, these things are valued x y z thing.
Kate Northrup:I wanna be super clear that just because economically speaking, certain things are valued higher than others does not mean that their inherent value is less than. Right? So for example, like, if you're a teacher, I think teachers should easily be getting paid 6 figures or more, you know, like, just because teaching is lower paid position in our economy does not mean it is actually providing less value. Right? So oftentimes, because of the history of patriarchy and because of, like, a typical I, cultural idea that the nurturing professions are more feminine, therefore, they should be paid less.
Kate Northrup:Like, that's just a hangover from deep, deep thousands of years of patriarchy. It doesn't mean that actually caregiving and housekeeping and, like, tending to the beauty and the body and the nurturing of humans is less valuable. In fact, I think it's actually the most valuable thing or certainly one of the most valuable things we could be doing. And the more we value it in our own homes, the more we actually do this math to say, well, economically speaking, today in my city, if I were to hire someone to do all the jobs I do at the level that I do them in my home, it would cost us x, y, z number of dollars. I think that sort of paradigm stepping into that level of financial empowerment in your own household is a micro way that we can all contribute to the macro, the macro progression of women being more financially empowered.
Kate Northrup:And, certainly, not just women, right, to ungender it, but just the feminine, more nurturing, caring for bodies, caring for hearts, caring for emotions, like all of that stuff needs a serious re up in terms of how much we value it in our culture. And this particular exercise that I just gave you to do the math will actually help in that area. So that was a lot of precursor to this conversation about my husband will not let me spend the money, but I wanted to highlight that those are really common things that come up in our community. And if that has come up for you, please, please, please do the math. Figure it out and look at take a hard look at where am I giving my power away financially?
Kate Northrup:What story am I telling about why someone else gets to make the decisions for me? And how can I possibly unravel that? Another thing that comes up when somebody will say, like, oh, my husband won't let me spend the money. What you're essentially saying is I am controlled financially, and I don't have my own financial power. Right?
Kate Northrup:Like, that's kind of the subtext there. I would ask, and I think we can all ask this question and boldly, radically ask ourselves this question. What is the secondary gain that you are receiving from allowing yourself to not have financial power? Okay. So a secondary gain in psychology is that when we are not behaving in a way that is aligned with our actual highest self with our desires.
Kate Northrup:Right? So let's say that you wanna get really healthy and yet you find yourself eating 10 Oreos every night before bed. That is not aligned behavior with health. So when we can't seem to take to stop doing a behavior or to start doing a behavior that's aligned with what we say we want, it's be it's oftentimes because there's a secondary gain. So the secondary gain is, what do I get to avoid doing, or what do I get to keep doing or being or avoid doing or being by continuing this behavior?
Kate Northrup:Like, the secondary gain is I'm getting something out of staying in this exact situation. So we can radically boldly, courageously ask ourselves, what is the secondary gain here? Maybe for you, if you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, I do really kinda give my financial power away. Maybe the secondary gain is you get to, on some level, remain a little girl when it comes to your money, And that in some ways feels good because becoming a full adult financially feels scary, and actually you get to stay small by being a little girl when it comes to your finances. I think that we can just claim that.
Kate Northrup:Sometimes just claiming the secondary gain and being like, actually, yeah, I am remaining a little girl unconsciously. And when we can bring it into the con into consciousness, we can actually take ownership of it. And now we are making a conscious choice where we're saying, like, yeah. I'm giving away my financial power so that I can stay a little girl. And then we could just be honest about that And then decide now that everything's in out in the open, now that it's no longer in the shadow, now that we are conscious about it, then we can make a wise decision to say, is that serving me, or would there be ways that I would actually like to move towards financial sovereignty and adulthood?
Kate Northrup:Would that be closer to the evolution I would like to go on as a woman in this lifetime? You then get to choose instead of letting your unconscious choose for you. Practically speaking, many people need to have their own money in a relationship. I wanna be super clear. Mike and I have completely combined finances for the most part.
Kate Northrup:I have a few investment accounts that are my own. He has a few little things that are his own. However, fundamentally, our personal and business finances are completely intermingled. That really works for us. But here's why it may not be the best choice for everyone, and everyone gets to make this choice themselves.
Kate Northrup:In relationships, unfortunately, it is still incredibly common because of the hangover of years of patriarchy and years of financial disenfranchisement and disempowerment for women. It is very common that women stay in relationships because of financial control, because they do not have their own way of making money, and they do not have their own money. And so they cannot or haven't set themselves up to survive and thrive financially without this other person. And so they stay in relationships that either at best are just not the best relationship for them or at worst abusive. So I wanna talk really honestly about the fact that having your own money may actually be really important as an escape route and setting yourself up that way from day 1 is critical for some people.
Kate Northrup:Again, I'm I'm telling you in this moment to do something that I don't personally do because there I know that I could lose absolutely everything today, and I could recreate it tomorrow because of the level of financial empowerment I have, the level of understanding of how money is created in the world, the level of skills and network and whatever, like, I'm not worried about it. But I know that that is not the case for every person. That's also a privileged conversation. There's, like, a lot of layers here. But if you are listening right now and and there's any ping when I say it's a good idea to have your own money, even if it's a like some account on the on the side that you decide in your partnership.
Kate Northrup:Okay. Every both people, like, I have a friend who she and her husband both make their own money, and they have shared accounts that all the household stuff, all the shared stuff, but the every single month, they both deduct the exact same amount of money from their joint checking account, and it gets put in each of their individual checking accounts, the exact same amount of money. So even though their income is different, they take the exact same amount, put it on their own accounts, and then that money that's in their own accounts, they can save up for whatever they want. They can spend it on whatever they want. They don't have to have a conversation about that, and that really works for them.
Kate Northrup:So that's one system that might work for you as well. Okay. No matter what your financial situation is, I wanna say this, no one ultimately has control over you. So if you are saying, I want I want this thing, like, I wanna invest in this course. I wanna go back to school and get my PhD.
Kate Northrup:I wanna go get my life coaching certification. I wanna, you know, join relax money. I wanna go on this retreat, but my husband won't let me spend the money. I wanna be super clear with you and say, you are letting yourself be controlled. That is a choice.
Kate Northrup:It may not be a conscious choice, but it is a choice. There is never other than when you are a child, there is never a time that ultimately someone has control over you and you are allowing that to happen, which because of our conversation about a secondary gain, is serving you in some way. And so our job when we realize that is then to say, like, okay, what is the secondary gain? How is this serving me? How am I what am I getting out of letting myself have the delusion that someone else is actually in control of my life?
Kate Northrup:And only you can know. But the truth is we all have our own sovereignty. Right? We all can step into a paradigm where we get to make our own choices. Will there need to be possibly conversations with your spouse or your partner about financial agreements, about values, about what you both wanna invest money in, what what they think is worth it, what you think is worth it.
Kate Northrup:Are those conversations important and necessary? Absolutely. And we address some of that in relax money. In fact, one of the most common testimonials I get, I get it over and over and over again, is people come in to relax money, and they say, for the first time in my marriage, 5 years of marriage, 10 years of marriage, 20 years of marriage, 30 years of marriage, my partner and I are having conversations about money that don't end in a fight. Like, we are in the best place in terms of our communication around money.
Kate Northrup:We are on the same page. We are taking action towards our goals. We are making progress, and it actually feels fun, and maybe it even feels a little sexy. So I want you to know no matter where you're starting from, you can create incredible progress through specific boundaries, agreements, and communication practices that are available to you no matter who you are, no matter what the situation is. So I just wanna offer that that, like, no matter what's going on, it absolutely can get better and more clear and more connected in your relationship.
Kate Northrup:If you are in a situation where you're in a control dynamic where you feel stuck, I just want you to know I'm not judging you right like I have tremendous compassion while I've not been in the specific situation of feeling financially controlled I have certainly been in the specific situation of feeling like I can't have what I want because someone else won't let me have it. Right? And that I have to shrink or, like, I am being limited. So I'm not saying you're a bad person or that you're weak, and you we would all be shocked by the sorts of things that go on behind closed doors, even amongst people who have really high status, who make a lot of money, who we really admire. Some of the the things that I have seen would make your stomach turn.
Kate Northrup:So I just wanna say that no matter who you are, this can happen, and it doesn't have to keep happening. So that is the take home message of this episode. If you do not feel financial sovereignty, if you do not feel that you have financial power, this is your invitation to take a look at how you're relating to that, how you could shift the way you're relating to that, and how you could step into greater sovereignty and greater power financially, no matter who's earning the money. Okay? And I promise you, when you are in a healthier dynamic with money, it is better for every single person in your life, even if they don't know it at first.
Kate Northrup:Thanks for listening. I hope this was helpful. Send it along to a friend if it landed with you, and I'll see you next time. I'm getting at least 1 DM a week that says, when do the doors open for relax money again? I'm ready.
Kate Northrup:Now, relax money is our signature neuroscience backed methodology to help you get financially healthier, and we only open the doors one time a year for our live cohort. However, we are growing the wait list early. So when you get on the wait list, there are special bonuses, goodies, surprises, freebies, and you can get on there over at relaxedmoney.comforward/ plenty. Thanks for listening to this episode of Plenty. If you enjoyed it, make sure you subscribe, leave a rating, leave a review.
Kate Northrup:That's one of the best ways that you can ensure to spread the abundance of plenty with others. You can even text it to a friend and tell them to listen in. And if you want even more support to expand your abundance, head over to katenorthrup.com forward slash breakthroughs, where you can grab my free money breakthrough guide that details the biggest money breakthroughs from some of the top earning women I know, plus a mini lesson accompanying it with my own biggest money breakthroughs and a nervous system healing tool for you to expand your abundance. Again, that's over at katenorthrup.comforward/breakthroughs. See you next time.