Life22

The greatest Xmas Tale of all time!  7th Annual.  
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Host
Dr. Rev. Kevin M. Dougherty
Life22 Founder and Podcast Host. Father of 4 and Husband of 1.

What is Life22?

This is My Life! It's not Easy, It's Interesting, and It's Cereal!

"Satire is not a fabric in reality, but it can exist as part of the fabric of reality." ~Kevin M. Dougherty~

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Day 13,770 - St. John McClane's Xmas Tale.mp3
Transcript
00:00:00 Kevin
Hey gang, Kevin here, Life22, and we are doing well.
00:00:04 Kevin
We'll figure.
00:00:06 Kevin
Yeah, that's right.
00:00:07 Kevin
This is our question mark annual and we'll have to look it up and we'll put it in the comments below.
00:00:13 Kevin
But I believe this is our sixth or seventh annual.
00:00:15 Kevin
Sixth time.
00:00:21 Kevin
Die Hard Christmas, the illustrated story by Doogie Horner and illustrations by JJ Harrison.
00:00:28 Kevin
So this is a phenomenal family classic that we read every year, A Die Hard Christmas.
00:00:34 Kevin
The best Christmas movie.
00:00:36 Kevin
It is not Christmas until we watch Hans Gruber fall from the Nakatomi Plaza.
00:00:43 Lennox
And we're watching the movie.
00:00:46 Kevin
Oh, we're going to watch the movie next.
00:00:47 Kevin
But the book is always better than the movie.
00:00:50 Lennox
The book is always better.
00:00:51 Lennox
The movie is always better.
00:00:53 Kevin
All right, guys.
00:00:56 Kevin
'Twas the night before Christmas, and up in the tower, everyone was partying except one wallflower.
00:01:06 Lennox
It's so funny.
00:01:12 Kevin
John McClane missed his wife.
00:01:15 Kevin
Things just weren't the same since Holly had moved west and changed her last name.
00:01:23 Kevin
He tried to win her back, but still she said no while, but unbeknownst to them, there was trouble down below.
00:01:34 Kevin
You guys see that?
00:01:35 Lennox
Oh, I can see.
00:01:36 Kevin
It says H.M.
00:01:39 Kevin
Gennaro, Director, Corporate Affairs.
00:01:42 Paul
It's okay, she'll run back and forth.
00:01:44 Lennox
Okay, it's fine.
00:01:45 Kevin
A truck head pulled up, and who should disembark but 14 men whose intentions were dark?
00:01:54 Kevin
Oh, man.
00:01:56 Kevin
That's our guy, Hans.
00:01:57 Kevin
He's gonna fall out of Nakatomi Tower in order for Christmas to start.
00:02:04 Kevin
They spoke not a word and unloaded big crates.
00:02:07 Kevin
They cut the phone lines and locked all the gates.
00:02:15 Lennox
And that's so fun.
00:02:18 Kevin
Carl swept the ground floor, shooting every guard dead, while visions of Barabonds danced in his head.
00:02:31 Kevin
John took off his shoes, making fists with his toes.
00:02:34 Kevin
It actually worked.
00:02:36 Kevin
Well, what do you know?
00:02:38 Kevin
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, he sprung to the door to see what's the matter?
00:02:47 Lennox
This is a good book.
00:02:51 Lennox
You're a good book.
00:02:55 Kevin
When what to his wondering eyes should appear, holy crap, there are terrorists here.
00:03:03 Kevin
John hid under the table where no one could see, and he watched Hans question Mr.
00:03:09 Kevin
Takagi.
00:03:11 Kevin
I'm going to count to three.
00:03:14 Kevin
There will not be a four.
00:03:16 Kevin
Give me the codes to open the vault door.
00:03:19 Lennox
Are you okay?
00:03:23 Lennox
Aria, are you okay?
00:03:27 Kevin
I don't know the codes, so go ahead and shoot.
00:03:30 Kevin
Okay, said Hans Gruber, and ruined Takagi's suit.
00:03:36 Kevin
John tried to call the cops by pulling an alarm, but instead called the bad guys who tried to cause him harm.
00:03:47 Kevin
We all know who that is, right?
00:03:49 Lennox
Yeah, it's the guy that's like...
00:03:52 Lennox
Oh yeah, he got the, like, guy that's a machine gun, ho-ho-ho.
00:03:56 Kevin
That, that's right, that's, that is Hans's brother.
00:04:00 Kevin
If we're following the lineage of all the characters in the- I.
00:04:03 Lennox
Just gunned me, Sam's exact.
00:04:06 Kevin
But John killed Tony, who had very small feet, and sent him to the terrorists as a yuletide treat.
00:04:15 Kevin
He put a Santa's hat on, the German, and eyes all aglow, wrote, Now I have a machine gun.
00:04:23 Kevin
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho!
00:04:27 Kevin
Carl was furious.
00:04:30 Kevin
Carl was furious.
00:04:31 Kevin
Tony was his brother.
00:04:33 Kevin
He chased John across the roof.
00:04:35 Kevin
And as they shot at each other, John was able to escape through the ventilation shafts.
00:04:43 Kevin
Come out to the coast.
00:04:45 Kevin
He sighed, We'll all have a few laughs.
00:04:55 Kevin
Guys,
00:05:00 Kevin
At Nakatomi Tower, Sergeant Powell appeared.
00:05:03 Kevin
He checked the whole lobby and saw nothing weird.
00:05:07 Kevin
He was pulling away, but didn't get far before Marco landed on the hood of his car.
00:05:15 Kevin
Powell drove away backwards, screaming in flight.
00:05:19 Kevin
Welcome to the party, pal! John yelled with delight.
00:05:26 Kevin
Lock 'em.
00:05:28 Lennox
Parker.
00:05:31 Kevin
More police arrived, the FBI and a SWAT team, but Hans didn't mind.
00:05:37 Kevin
It was all part of his scheme.
00:05:40 Kevin
More...
00:05:42 Kevin
More rapid than eagles, his henchmen, they came, and he radioed and shouted and called them by name.
00:05:50 Kevin
Now Eddie, now James, now Franco, now Yuli.
00:05:54 Kevin
On Fritz and on Carl, hair long and unruly.
00:06:02 Lennox
911.
00:06:05 Lennox
Call an emergency for Lennox.
00:06:09 Kevin
They shot the SWAT tank-- They shot the SWAT tank with a surface-to-air missile and knocked it away like the down of a thistle.
00:06:21 Kevin
Now, John McClane was angry indeed.
00:06:24 Kevin
He blew up two terrorists and called them shitweed.
00:06:27 Kevin
Lennox, calm down, buddy.
00:06:29 Lennox
Ellis, I'm just helping.
00:06:32 Kevin
Ellis told Hans, Bubby, I'm your white knight.
00:06:38 Kevin
Hans shot him dead, giving the hostages a fright.
00:06:43 Kevin
Hans went to check on the explosives.
00:06:49 Kevin
Hans went to check on the explosives.
00:06:51 Kevin
fuse explosives fuse and saw that poor John wasn't wearing any shoes.
00:07:00 Lennox
Guys, stop.
00:07:08 Kevin
John fled from Carl and Hans, but alas, he had to run barefoot over sharp broken glass.
00:07:16 Kevin
His feet
00:07:17 Kevin
Now they hurt uh his feet how they hurt his soles oh so bloody John crawled to the bathroom and called his good buddy John was weary and ready to throw in the towel until he got a pep talk from Sergeant Al Powell Powell was chubby and plump a right jolly old cop and he trusted the cowboy in the tattered tank top.
00:07:46 Lennox
The binky.
00:07:48 Lennox
He was giving it to Aria.
00:07:52 Kevin
But a reporter was probing into McClain's life and revealed that Holly was actually John's wife.
00:07:59 Kevin
Hans quickly flipped over the golden picture frame.
00:08:03 Kevin
It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss McClain.
00:08:09 Kevin
His clothes all tarnished with ashes and soot, John staggered to the roof.
00:08:16 Kevin
bloody and barefoot.
00:08:26 Kevin
The explosives were wired to the top, the rooftop with care, in a hopes that the hostages soon would be there.
00:08:35 Kevin
John warned everyone the roof would soon blow as the chopper strafed him with high-powered ammo.
00:08:43 Kevin
Around his waist, he tied a fire hose tight and screamed an oath, jumped into the night.
00:08:51 Kevin
He dangled in the air and gritted his teeth while flames encircled the tower like a wreath.
00:09:03 Lennox
Come on, be quiet and shut up.
00:09:05 Lennox
Nice, pay attention to the story.
00:09:07 Kevin
Don't tell your brother to shut up.
00:09:13 Kevin
Fiercely fighting his way back inside, John yelled out, Hans! He was done trying to hide.
00:09:20 Kevin
He limped to the vault like an old man on crutches, only to find Holly in his filthy clutches.
00:09:30 Kevin
John dropped his gun and put his hands on his head.
00:09:35 Kevin
It seemed he and Holly soon would be dead.
00:09:39 Kevin
But with a secret gun taped to his back, John shot Hans in a surprise attack.
00:09:47 Lennox
Ooh, there's a gun on his back.
00:09:50 Lennox
I saw **** ****.
00:09:53 Kevin
Hans fell out the window, still holding Holly's arm, and slowly, deliberately raised his firearm.
00:10:01 Kevin
The tenacious villain held
00:10:04 Kevin
by his nails till John unhooked Holly's watch and said happy trails.
00:10:11 Kevin
Bearer bonds fluttered like fresh fallen snow as Holly embraced her bloody her blood spattered bow.
00:10:22 Kevin
So Merry Christmas to all and be kind to one another and most of all yippee ki-yay mother truckers.
00:10:33 Lennox
That's funny.
00:10:38 Lennox
It's someone who's...
00:10:42 Lennox
It's not Christmas.
00:10:46 Kevin
And there we are.
00:10:48 Kevin
The reading of A Die Hard Christmas.
00:10:50 Lennox
So now we can...
00:10:52 Kevin
Hold on, let it stop.
00:10:56 Kevin
Come here.
00:10:57 Kevin
Guys.
00:10:58 Kevin
All right, now what do we say to the folks at home?
00:11:00 Kevin
Bye!
00:11:05 Kevin
Thank you for watching with us.
00:11:08 Lennox
I accidentally turned down the volume.
00:11:12 Kevin
All right guys, is that it?
00:11:14 Everyone
And don't forget to...
00:11:14 Everyone
Like and subscribe.
00:11:16 Lennox
Like and subscribe!