Is Anything Real?

If you’ve ever walked out of a meeting thinking “that didn’t sound like me”…you’re not broken — you’re untrained.

This is a special off-schedule Friday drop with Dr. Laura Sicola (TEDx speaker with 7,000,000+ views) on the real mechanics of executive presence: voice, perception, power, and the tiny shifts that change how people experience you.

We unpack:
  • Why “just be authentic” is often a trap (and how it quietly caps your career)
  • Code-switching vs. covering — and the line between smart adaptation and self-erasure
  • The “prismatic voice” idea: you’re not one note — you’re a spectrum
  • The “expert’s curse”: how to stop sounding smart and start making others feel smart
  • Laura’s “internal mixing board” tool (a 15-minute reset you can use before your next high-stakes room)
  • Why women often get penalized for behaviors men get rewarded for — and what to do about it
If you lead people, sell ideas, or have to influence up a level, this episode is a masterclass.

Connect with Dr. Laura Sicola
Work with Adam (Transition Leadership Coaching/EnergyOS)
If this hits, share it with a leader who’s tired of “confidence theater” and ready for a more real way to lead.

Creators and Guests

Host
Adam W. Barney
Adam W. Barney helps transitioning leaders navigate career and leadership inflection points with clarity and momentum. Author of Make Your Own Glass Half Full and creator of EnergyOS. Based in Boston, fueled by family and music.

What is Is Anything Real??

Is Anything Real? is the Reality-First Leadership podcast for builder-leaders who want outcomes, not optics. Each week, Adam W. Barney sits down with founders and operators to unpack positioning, marketing, community, energy management, and influence - plus the numbers behind what actually worked.

You’ll hear: a quick Reality Check, a practical Proof Stack (inputs → actions → outcomes), and one EnergyOS habit you can run this week. Specifics over slogans; humane systems over hustle cosplay.

New episodes every Wednesday at 12:00 PM ET.

👉 Book your 20-min Exploration Call: https://calendly.com/adamwbarney/explorationplugin-20min

[00:05.7]
Somewhere along the way, leadership culture sold us a lie. If you adapt how you speak, you're fake. If you bring energy to different rooms, you're performing. If you sound the same everywhere, you're inauthentic. And that lie is expensive. It makes smart people freeze.

[00:23.3]
It turns promotions into identity crises and convinces leaders that the only way to grow is to become someone they don't even like. Today, we're taking the authenticity myth out back lovingly and putting it out of its misery.

[00:39.8]
Welcome back to "Is Anything Real?", the reality-first leadership show where operators test advice and publish the receipts so you can ship what works. I'm Adam W. Barney, transition leadership coach for executives and founders, author, and host of this podcast. Today's guest is Dr. Laura Sicola, leadership communication expert and the mind behind a metaphor that instantly clicked for me: The prismatic voice.

[01:05.2]
And here's why this matters. I coach leaders in transition. The what got you here won't get you there season. And a lot of them are privately wrestling with identity and confidence. They're not weak. They're not lost. They're just in a new room with a new scoreboard.

[01:22.0]
Laura, welcome. Let's start with the myth. Thank you so much for inviting me today. I'm looking forward to the conversation. It should be fun. All right, Laura, what is the authenticity myth? In plain language, very simply, the way that you said it right up front was terrific.

[01:38.1]
The notion that I have to be me, which means this is my box, and anything outside of that box is not me, and thus inauthentic or fake. And that is such a limiting perspective.

[01:55.4]
It limits us in our ability to grow and expand. Just by extension, if I want to learn to speak Chinese, which I don't happen to speak at the moment, and I try, I decided to learn it. It's not inauthentic. I'm terrible at it because I'm a complete level one beginner, but that's not inauthentic.

[02:15.3]
So similarly, if I'm used to being an entrepreneur and I'm used to sitting home and in my comfy clothes and just talking to other small business owners, that's my norm. But now, suddenly, I've decided to take a corporate job and I'm in a mid-manager or higher-level executive space, and it's going to be a little different, the way we interact, the pace that things move, how much buy in I need to get, do I need permission?

[02:39.8]
How sensitive and diplomatic do I need to be on certain things? Right. I gotta learn a new approach here. And it's not, it may not be my preference, it may not be comfortable. It may be like, why do we have all of these ridiculous steps to follow?

[02:56.1]
How tedious. Oh my God, can't we get anything done around here? But it's not inauthentic, Right? So you need to learn to adjust and speak that language, which may feel like Chinese when you're in that progress, but it's not inauthentic.

[03:11.3]
So as long as you realize that there's a growth curve that's part of any expansion of skills and revenue for most of us, then, okay, accept that growth as a challenge that will ultimately lead us to greater success. But not faking it, that's something different.

[03:29.2]
Right, right, right. And I mean the other piece of it, Laura, you know, identity. I see it's a spectrum. Right. And think the myth kind of might actually be if I don't sound the same everywhere, I'm not real.

[03:44.3]
But the reality is you already don't sound the same everywhere. Correct. Because you're a functioning human, you're a functioning adult. Yes. What's the cost of believing the myth? You know, what do you think it does to leaders when they step into a bigger role?

[04:00.7]
And how does that hurt them or impede them? Well, it's a self-limiting belief, simply put. And you know, Adam, as you mentioned, we already adapt unconsciously most of the time to our environment. I mean, we're here in the podcast space.

[04:17.3]
We're most likely speaking to other professionals. We're talking about our respective content areas of expertise. So, you know, I'm the metaphor that you referenced earlier in your introduction. The notion of the prismatic voice. This is our evidence that we already do that kind of shifting.

[04:33.8]
So I'm going to call this my purple. If you think about the, and again, I'm a Jersey Italian, so understand, we don't do woo-woo. So just bear with me, play with me for a second. Humor me on the metaphor here of the prismatic voice. But have you ever seen one of those little crystals that little sun catchers may be hanging from the kitchen window or rear view mirror?

[04:54.1]
Oh, yes, yeah. And the sun hits it and the little rainbow kind of shoots out the other side and lands on the door or the wall. So that same way we, as individuals, our identity is that white light, but in it are all of those colors of the spectrum. So we'll call this, I'm in my coaching mode, communication space, et cetera.

[05:13.1]
That's my "purple" in my spectrum. But I also have a nine-year-old at home and, surprise, surprise, I don't talk to him exactly like this. Depending on, is it happy mommy or, you know, I need you to do this. Please do not make me say this to you again mode of mommy.

[05:29.1]
But we'll call my mommy voice my "yellow". And you probably also have a sports fan, Adam. I mean, I have to say I was an extra in the 2004 Farrelly Brothers movie Fever Pitch. That's something you might not understand.

[05:46.0]
But as I have two kids, two girls who are 6 and 9, sports has maybe fallen off the list a little bit. But still, I'm at least acutely aware of a little bit out there in the world. Okay, but baseball was your your love at one point. Yeah. And so when your team, when you're out, when you were out of the bar.

[06:04.3]
Of course, you have two little kids, you're not at a bar with friends anymore for the most part. But back in the day, when you had a couple of friends out watching a baseball game and they made a really stupid play or the umpire made a bad call against your team, did you use some vocabulary that perhaps you would not use when coaching clients?

[06:23.7]
I think that that is definitely the case, yes. Okay. So it's not just me, right? Those slips of source, those that shifts happened. And so we'll call that your "green" or call that your "red" and that we shift into that style. I also have a grandmother who's 99 years old, God love her, next month she's turning 100.

[06:43.1]
Wow. I don't talk to her in that way, or the way I talk to my 9-year-old, or the way I talk to my clients is a different shift, but it's all authentically me. We'll call that my "blue". It's just understanding that in different contexts, the same way I would dress differently, I'm going to speak in a slightly different way, but it's all me.

[07:02.5]
And that's what people need to realize. So if you can start to expand that spectrum of colors to different hues, different shades, different tints, and get those nuances down, it allows you to be more effective with an ever-expanding sphere of influence.

[07:18.4]
That's the goal. Right, Right. And you know, in my world, I see this time and time again, and it shows up as same person, new context. And suddenly they're like, wait, you know, do I have to become someone else to be taken seriously? But at the same time, you know, I think where we're going here, Laura, is your identity is the full light.

[07:39.3]
Right. Your communication styles are the colors and leadership in terms of what we're talking about today is choosing the right color on purpose. Yes. Or the contextually best color to achieve the purpose that you want.

[07:55.2]
That's really the thing. So when you go into whatever scenario, that's the little prism that the light hits, and you got to figure out which of all your different colors needs to shine most brightly and which one you need to tone down to be able to get them to hear what you need them to hear.

[08:11.5]
Maybe naturally, you're a joker, you like to have fun, you're very casual. But you're with the board of directors, and you're looking at some serious budget crises. This might not be the place to be Mr. Funny Man. And, you may want to be. That may be your default, but it's not the most appropriate or the most effective here.

[08:30.2]
So maybe we're going to turn down that "orange" just a little bit. It's not inauthentic. Just resist some urge here and go a little bit more "red" in the moment or whatever color you like. Right, right. Well, I mean, you know, also, I think that your choice vocabulary voice exists.

[08:49.4]
Right. Everyone has it, even the choir. But in this sort of journey, what do you see as the difference between adapting versus performing? And how do you know you're not faking it? You're just fitting the moment that's important to recognize. So in what we're describing, in the shifting of styles is, you know, I'm a linguist by background, and in linguistics, there's a term, a very neutral term, called code switching, which just means the ability to change your communication style.

[09:19.0]
So I can go from English to Spanish and back. I can go from mommy to coach and back. And in the world of code switching, there's also a spectrum of healthy to unhealthy. To the extent that it's a skill that allows you to empower yourself and you can turn it on and off when you want, that's healthy for some people.

[09:39.2]
They have unfortunately had the experience of needing to do what is referred to as covering. And that is an unhealthy space where you feel like you have to hide who you truly are. Not that you got to tone down the Mr. Funny man, or you can't just blurt out what you want to say in the moment.

[09:54.9]
That's not inauthentic, that's diplomatic and smart. And tactful, and saying, I don't need to throw the grenade now, beyond the momentary catharsis I might get, I'm in here for the long haul. So let's be strategic and not burn all the bridges in five seconds flat.

[10:13.4]
But when you feel like, no, I'm not allowed to share who I am, I cannot offer these kinds of thoughts, I'm not allowed to defend myself, I'm not allowed to speak in my accent. Now, there's a difference between in cultural and multilingual spaces.

[10:33.5]
Some people, there are some accents that everybody will have more challenge listening to and understanding. People whose accents are different from theirs, which just means you have to work to ensure that you're enunciating, that people are following you. Okay. And both, this is onus on the speaker and the listener.

[10:51.3]
But that's different from feeling like you have to hide because you will be judged for speaking in a particular way. So, you know, all of that is very relative and relevant. But just learning to speak. If I go to another country, I'm going to do my best to, if we're speaking in English, to adjust my accent so that they can understand me.

[11:11.1]
Doesn't matter that I'm a native speaker, if I'm the one who's hard for them to understand. The onus is on me to be more intelligible. So it's not covering. It's meeting them halfway. And, I mean, I used to walk into rooms in my corporate career with C-level executives.

[11:28.9]
You know, big age gaps, big stakes. And I wasn't lying about who I was. But I see it as I was adjusting my story and tone so that the truth of whatever I was trying to share could land. But you know, like outfits, it's your wardrobe.

[11:44.1]
Yes. You're not inauthentic because you wore gym clothes to the gym. But, you know, let's make it tactical. Our listener just got promoted. Yesterday, they were just peers. Today, they're the boss. Their insides feel weird and stretched.

[12:00.2]
What do they do? How do they choose the right color without feeling like a fraud or coming off as a fraud? Because that can both happen in both flavors. And that's important. You brought up a couple of good things. Number one is that the way you change and adapt your communication style, you have to make that decision the same way you would decide what to wear.

[12:23.4]
In your wardrobe, you already have the gym clothes, and the jeans, and T-shirts, and the business casual, and the tuxedo. And it's your kind of tuxedo, it's your style of business casual, it's your style and brand and fit of gym clothes.

[12:40.8]
They're all you, but you know, based on the context and the people and your objectives, whether to go with the tux or the khakis or the sweats. Right. And so you make that decision based on the audience. And similarly, you're going to adjust your communication style accordingly.

[12:58.7]
It's all in your vocal wardrobe, but you're going to choose, as needed, for the group. I like that. Yeah, yeah. What's a simple test for, Is this aligned with my values and purpose verus, am I shape shifting for approval there?

[13:16.2]
I think you have to ask yourself the question of am I leading, am I making this decision based on fear or based on goals? Is it something you're trying to accomplish, first and foremost, and leading with that, here's what I believe I need to get through because I want them to hear this, versus I'm afraid that if I do this, I will be rejected.

[13:43.0]
There's a difference between they will reject my proposal, versus they will reject me. And that's a really important distinction to make. If you feel like you are going to be judged negatively because of who you are, versus you're communicating less effectively in general, that's different.

[14:03.2]
And it's really important not to conflate the two because often the culture piece can. Of course there's, yes, there's racism, sexism, all that kind of stuff out there. But if we put that aside, that can often be scapegoated. And it's like, oh, well, they didn't like what I said because I'm a woman, I'm this, I'm that.

[14:22.3]
No, it's that I'm maybe I'm the cognitive linguist. And I had this challenge when I first went into consulting and left academia. I was still talking like a professor. Way too much technical jargon, way too much data, way too much detail. And in the corporate world, they're like, could you just kind of get to the point?

[14:38.4]
We really don't need all the background. We got it, you're smart. But get to the point. And I had to learn to shift. I had to learn it wasn't that they didn't like me because of my age, or my gender, or my this, or my that. I wasn't communicating in a way, it was my trained, learned default, my new normal as professor.

[14:59.0]
But it wasn't effective for the audience. So I had to learn to shift. Wasn't being inauthentic, it was learning to speak their language. And when I embraced that as a new tool, as a new skill set, as a new language that I now own, it opened my world of power and influence.

[15:17.4]
And that's what I had to learn. And I mean, the goal there wasn't about, you know, we're not talking about being liked. The goal is to really be clear. Right. And your job also is not to be, let's say, the same in every room. It's to be effective without losing your soul.

[15:34.1]
Correct. But what would you say? What's the most common leadership voice mistake you hear? the thing people do because they think it sounds leadery but it ends up just sounding weird? They fall into the expert's curse. And the expert's curse is, especially when nerves are kicking in a little bit, the feeling of I want to prove how smart I am.

[15:58.2]
I want to convince you by showing you all the data, all the research, all the work that I've done, and give you all the information that I possibly can. So that I can preempt any questions, because questions are scary and make sure that you just, if nothing else, I'm going to muscle my way to your yes by drowning you in information and hoping that that's good enough.

[16:22.7]
And what usually happens is that the listener glazes over, less than 60 seconds into it, and you become Charlie Brown's teacher. You know what I mean by that? "Wah Wa Wa Wah Wa Wa" Exactly. Yes.

[16:39.3]
And so the most counterintuitive piece of advice I can give, Adam, is that if you want people to think you're smart, the best and fastest way to do that is to make them feel smart by making your point as clear, as simple, as concise, as possible, so that they don't have to mentally do the math and, okay, carry the one.

[17:04.0]
I think I understand what you're saying. When they hear it, they just instantly get it. And when they get it, they go, oh, okay, that makes sense. And they think you're smart because they feel smart. And that's how you get to yes, faster. I love it. I love it.

[17:19.8]
So, I mean, let's get to some of the receipts here. When leaders apply this, what changes? What's the before and after that you've seen tangibly pay off? You know, what is it? Trust? Is it clarity? Speed of decisions? Confidence and conflict? Or just better overall team performance?

[17:37.0]
All of the above. All of the above. Because when you're stuck in the expert's curse, which is, you lose track of what your audience does or doesn't know, does or doesn't need to know, does or doesn't understand as you're sharing it, etc, when you can make it so simple that they just get it, you stop talking at people and start talking with people.

[18:02.1]
And that's a two way piece, which means you're listening as much as you're speaking, if not more for that matter. And that's when you become relatable, that's when you become trustworthy. That's when you help people feel like, oh, he gets it, she gets it, you get me. Not just that you're trying to force your way into my brain or onto my agenda.

[18:23.6]
So that's where the trust and credibility and the image of leadership, the reputation of leadership truly begin. Mmhm. I mean, what would you say? This one pushes a little different corner here, Laura.

[18:39.9]
But how do women get punished for the same, let's call them color choices, as you mentioned earlier, that men get rewarded for. And what's the workaround to make that turn into successful executive presence and executive performance in that kind of situation?

[19:00.2]
Yeah, you know, there are definitely double standards, you know, one, and we are grossly generalizing here, but more often than not, a man can get away with being more abrasive, a little pushier, etc., more aggressive, and it'll kind of get chalked up.

[19:21.1]
Women get the reputation faster for being pushy, for being witchy, for being whatever other adjective that you want, and it becomes a label, much more quickly. So both groups need to learn these skills.

[19:38.8]
For women, there's a little bit more of the need to finesse. Again, both need to finesse it, but it'll shift women's reputations faster. And the way that you learn to finesse is building off the prismatic voice metaphor that we talked about before.

[19:57.7]
Right inside everybody's brain, Adam, you have a mixing board, a DJ's equalizer, a mixing board with all those levers and dials on it. It's not just a giant power switch. This is me. That's not me. What we need to learn to do is to recognize how many of those levers are on our mixing board.

[20:16.6]
And so it's not necessarily where strength that you want to convey may be coming across as aggressive or intimidating. It's not about, well, I just got to shut it off and go from strong to nicey, nicey.

[20:32.2]
That's binary. Right? That's the. This is me. That's not me. I hear so many women say, well, I've got this reputation of being too aggressive, of being too intimidating. I tried being nice, and that didn't work. So what am I supposed to do? Right. We got to figure out what it is about how you're demonstrating your strength, that it's somehow crossing too far into the gray and coming across as aggressive rather than just authoritative and confidence inspiring.

[20:59.6]
And you probably have to adjust something from a 7.4 to a 6.9. Oh, small adjustments. It's always the tiny shifts that make the biggest difference. But we're used to looking at on and off switches, and that's where we get ourselves in trouble.

[21:16.8]
So when you can start to identify all this stuff on your mixing board and how to nudge what just in, like, decimal points, you'll be amazed at what doors suddenly open for you. I mean, I love that. That proof there, because, you know, I think you and I both know in our work that inspiration doesn't hold under Tuesday.

[21:38.9]
Proof holds under Tuesday. But I mean, also, if authenticity means never adapt, that's not authenticity. That's rigidity. Right. So the small adjustments are incredibly powerful. Yep. All right. All right, Laura.

[21:54.1]
You know, one move. Let's say a leader listing has 15 minutes. Something that everyone listening can do today. Right. Let's call it maybe The Prism Audit. Sure. Three contexts you live in, you know, then what's the purpose?

[22:09.9]
What does this room need for me? What color do I choose on purpose? You know, where might you take that? I would encourage people to look at your calendar and see what's coming up. One meeting, one call.

[22:25.2]
Doesn't have to be something huge. But ask yourself, what impression do you want to make? How do you want to come across? Give yourself just one or two adjectives, personal qualities that you want them to perceive in you.

[22:41.6]
And besides, smart. We're going to give you that one. We know you want to be an expert. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Not my first rodeo. So, confident, authoritative, approachable, relatable, empathetic, fun. You pick whatever couple are most important for you for that particular audience.

[23:00.2]
How do you want to connect with them? How do you want to come across to them? Then just take your phone, prop it up, turn on your video camera and record a little role play with yourself. Just the first 60 seconds. How would you open that conversation?

[23:17.6]
How do you welcome people? How do you kick off the agenda? How do you do whatever else? And then go back and watch those 60 seconds and just ask yourself, if you didn't know that person from Adam or Eve, would you, on a gut reflex level, would you say yes, that person seems confident or authentic or comfortable in their own skin or fun or approachable or whatever those qualities were, and just say yes or no.

[23:46.8]
Why or why not? And no, well, sort of. There's no gray here. I want you to say more yes or more no, and then dissect it and figure out why. What are you doing that somehow is just leaving that feeling in your gut that's saying, I don't know.

[24:03.4]
Something's off. That's your starting point because that's where you're seeing what everybody else sees that you never saw before. And that's getting in your way. That's your blind spot. And we can shed light on that. Anything becomes possible. Beautiful. You know, and I really feel, Laura, if you can't choose your voice on purpose, your stress will choose it for you, right?

[24:23.7]
Absolutely, yes. So keep that in mind. Laura, where can folks find you, learn from you, and go deeper? Thank you so much, Adam. By all means, visit me at my website, which is very simply laurasicola.com. Right at the bottom of the page, you can see where to sign up for my newsletter, which comes out weekly.

[24:42.8]
Stories, resources, tips, always lots of tips for communication, ways to get clear on what's in that blind spot and how to have greater influence, right then and there. So would invite you to do that. And of course, feel free to reach out on LinkedIn or other social media platforms as well.

[24:59.6]
Beautiful. And Laura, we'll, of course, link to that for our listeners in the show notes below. But, you know, the last question I always land on here, Laura, is anything real in terms of perspective and leadership, from where you come from? What is real is that your ability to master that mixing board inside and to see all of those settings as part of your authentic self, and then the willingness to embrace the challenge, to embrace the struggle, to embrace the discomfort as you learn to master more settings will truly open so many more doors and provide so much more influence as you learn to accept all of those new settings, as it were, as part of your authentic voice.

[25:51.6]
That's where the power lies. That's where influence begins. That is what's real. And, Laura, here's what feels real to me. Leadership isn't just one voice, it's a spectrum. And if you're in transition right now with the spectrum you're on, you're not broken, you're expanding. Yes.

[26:07.5]
And so learning to do that, especially in the interview context, when you're in transitions, do you tell stories? You may not be a natural storyteller. You need to learn to tell some stories, not just say, well, I did X. Give me the background behind it. Does it seem like you are telling the story under duress?

[26:23.3]
Like, okay, you've got a gun to my head, so I'm sharing this information, but I'd really rather be anywhere else, versus, do I feel like you actually want to be here talking to me? You may need to dig a little deep because maybe right now you're feeling really nervous. But if all you're projecting is discomfort, that's awkward feeling, and that's not going to help you.

[26:41.9]
The fact that you are nervous. If you're telegraphing that as I'm nervous, I'm nervous, I'm nervous, that's not going to help. But to hide it or to try not to just telegraph it outright. That's not inauthentic, that's helping to establish rapport.

[26:58.7]
So don't get in your head with those big label definitions. There's a time and a place to need to know. You don't want them to see your nerves. You want them to see your qualifications. You want them to see your fit. So leave with what you want. Be aware of what that is. Happy to talk to anybody out there about transitions, and interview skills, and all those kinds of things as well.

[27:18.9]
Beautiful. Beautiful. All right, well, if this episode hit, you send it to one leader who's trying to be authentic by staying small. And if you're leading through a transition and want a reality first reset, there's a 20-minute foundational call linked in the show notes as well with me.

[27:34.1]
No pitch, just space to get honest about what's working, what's waste, and the one move to run next. But until next time, proof over performance, and ship what works. But thank you, Laura.