Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Explore your curiosity - Interesting people with fascinating stories.
Life consists of three things:
-The stories we tell others
-The stories others tell us
-The stories we tell ourselves.
Welcome aboard to the show, thank you so much for joining us here today.
Speaker 2:Hello hello, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:So if you haven't seen Blanka on the show already, you don't know that she is a returning guest which is a huge honor because it's not one afforded to everyone, so I'm so happy to see you again. Thank And we talked about some really interesting things last time, so you should go check out that episode, but at the end of the episode, was like, no, we have to finish this discussion, but we're out of time, so we're gonna finish this discussion today. Yes. Okay. What what what is there one set of values that is correct?
Speaker 2:No. No. And values and set of values is ever but it's it's different for everybody. So what you value is might not be the same for me, and that's absolutely fine. And your values might shift a little bit depending on where you are on your journey and which period of your life you are.
Speaker 2:If you have like little younger kids, probably you are shifting towards family, or hopefully you are shifting towards family. But when you are an empty nester, that's again different. So values are usual.
Speaker 1:The problem, Blanka, is that you give so many brilliant things in such a small amount of time, you don't give me the opportunity to say, oh, let's unpack this. Let me stop you and we'll unpack So first of all, let's talk, so you said no, values are not, there's not right and wrong and values are difference between, so tell us a little bit, we can get personal, tell us a little bit about the differences in values that you see between Europe, Hungary specifically and then America. You're today, you used to, you know, Hungary, you know, is a big part of your life, America is a big part of your life. What are the differences that you see from a values perspective?
Speaker 2:So, Hungary, I'm coming from an Eastern European country. And the wall, the Berlin Wall went down when I was five years old, 1989. And we always have this conversation with my husband who is American. He grew up in The US, but he traveled, that I didn't have a lot of things and Hungary didn't have a lot of things, what The US had in the seventies, eighties.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So actually I value, like, for example, materialistic thing, or like, try to get out of that, but I still value a lot of materialistic thing because I didn't have it. The US is like, oh, this is, this was the base. We had it. Like for example, different type of jeans. You had beautiful brands and all sorts of colors and types.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile, we had like one type of jeans. And if you are lucky and you had relatives who traveled, it was a big thing. Or like when we first got the first bag of gummy bears from Austria, when we finally could travel. So it's the appreciation for things, it might be different. It's also that because we didn't have it, Hungarians tend to be, not everybody.
Speaker 2:So this is like an overall.
Speaker 1:Generalization.
Speaker 2:Generalization, but, tend to be more hedonistic. It's like, let's burn the candles on both sides because we didn't have, we have to kind of catch up. So I feel like we are always in a rush to enjoy and push through. Meanwhile, The US, I feel like it's more relaxed about, about these things because it was always there, But then there is less appreciation or because there is not a lack of mindset or, or a scarcity mindset. Like for example, Eastern Europe, we would have.
Speaker 2:So values are shifting for me as I'm learning also, but I try to keep the root values of my Eastern European side of me, but also enjoy what The US can. So bring the most and the balance out of both.
Speaker 1:Do you find that your Eastern European values sometimes conflict with the American values in the environment of the, of work, and maybe we wait a minute and let you answer before we talk about how they conflict in the relationships.
Speaker 2:Okay. It may be not about work, even in my workspace and I I don't like to waste things. So I'm teaching my daughter that like turn off the, off the sink or the tap, turn off the lights. There is not endless of everything. We are using resources and it's finite.
Speaker 2:And sometimes I feel that The USA is just like, yeah, everything is like it's abundant, which is a good mindset to have the abundance mindset versus the scarcity mindset. But also it's like, would like to teach my daughter that there are resources and there might be finite resources.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I mean, the truth is always in the middle. Right? Never here nor there. It's interesting, I've had those same fights with my kids, but what's interesting is that I've been losing that fight and changing my basically values or mindset the longer I live here in The US.
Speaker 1:But when we just came from Europe, was like, no, like water, turn off the tap, don't let it run. So it's interesting. Have you seen differences in culture around, you know, between Hungary and The US around kind of truth saving face, politics, like, what are the things that are different there, if if any, or is it just the same?
Speaker 2:Maybe not politics because if we talk about the Hungarian I like No, not not, no,
Speaker 1:mean like inside organizational politics, like how you carry yourself in the organization, how you communicate, what are the things that people will be like frown upon in America but in Hungary that's the way it's done. So kind of the difference in how people kind of carry themselves and behave. You know, you go to Finland or Australia, right, and you try and put a Finland and Australian to work together, it's gonna be fun to watch, not very productive.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I worked in Hungary, that's one culture. I worked in The UK, that's another culture. And my direct, European, Eastern European is like, just just tell me what I have to do or what I have to correct me by the British tiptoeing around. This is great, but I was like, okay, let's just not waste time.
Speaker 2:So in things, it was funny. I found The US countries also very direct I can work with that more, but I also, now I can, and I try to flex my style, who am I working with. And also I did insights discovery. It's a personality profiling. So I'm trying to read people what color they are.
Speaker 2:Are they more introverts? Are they more extroverts? Are they more relationship oriented or more value task oriented? So I'm just trying to flex. I know what is my default, especially when I'm stressed, like especially at work, But I
Speaker 1:try Let's to read the wrong disentangle that. Okay. What you're saying is that people have styles, those styles come out more strongly when you're under stress.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. That's
Speaker 1:kind of the base theory here at work.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So you have your default style. And especially when you are under stress, time pressure, that's what we are, you are reverting better because that's what comes naturally. And that's what you know. When you are calmer, you slept enough, you are hydrated, and you ate your lunch, you are like more empathetic and understanding, and you can like take your time, change your style and flex your style, yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fair. I mean there's a lot of people who kind of look at these personality things and are like, oh, this is your personality, you can't change, you can't be anything else. And you know, I know you don't agree with that. The way that, you know, Blanka and I are becoming friends slowly. So the way that I would say the right way, I don't know if there's a right anything, but the way that we think about it, I think is a better way, is that really it's about understanding where people feel comfortable and uncomfortable and how to meet in the middle in regards to communication styles.
Speaker 1:Let me ask one more question on this topic. Some people coming from Europe come into a very American company and they basically get told that they're misbehaving, right? So like, oh, you did this and it made people feel bad. And then, you know, this European person is like, hold on, this is how it's done in Europe, like why is that suddenly, why am I getting, you know, know basically told that I'm not okay for something that it's actually a difference in my culture? Like why am I not okay?
Speaker 1:Maybe it's you guys like so how do we this difference in cultures between individuals and companies, it's challenging. If you are that individual in a company going through this problem, what would you advise them? Just change yourself or No. What should they do?
Speaker 2:Never change yourself, but you can learn about the others. So instead of pointing fingers, I always do this with my clients that is like, when you're pointing one fingers three points back. Instead of blaming them that it's your fault that you are blaming me, actually it's like, okay, what do they want to teach me in this? And maybe read a book about the American culture if you are coming from Europe or, or vice versa. And, or you can ask other people, or you can ask for feedback that, Hey, I, I, I don't get this.
Speaker 2:What can I do differently? And what we are slowly forgetting is actually being humble, especially when you are in a new position that maybe you are an expert in something, but like stepping back and as like observing, observing the team, you are injecting yourself into a new team, into a new dynamics, it's changing. So observing them, understanding them, you figure out that who is the leader, where are the unwritten rules. And that's when you can. But we like to prove ourselves and it's like, I'm the I'm coming in and I do this.
Speaker 2:I know this. That's when conflicts can come on. Instead of like, okay, let me step back. I know who am I. I don't have to prove.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I have to prove later, but first decide, let me observe, let me learn and let's see how and when can I step in?
Speaker 1:I wish we had talked like six months ago. I would have been so much smarter and maybe made a few different decisions because I'll tell you I made some mistakes recently. It's especially difficult when you are an expert but you step into a different culture and you don't even understand that the rules are different. So you kind of just assume, oh, the rules are the same, but then you step into a culture, an unknown culture, and you're like, wait, what's happening here? And at least for me, a huge lesson was actually admitting that you don't understand the rules and kind of figuring that out early and being like, wait, what's happening here?
Speaker 1:A lot of things are surprising me, and actually I have a different culture, and admitting to that and saying, wait, I need to learn this, and please tell me if I'm behaving in a way that is actually based on my culture, not this culture, and help me learn where are my blind spots. That was huge. That was a big thing because suddenly people are understanding, oh, it's not because you're an asshole, it's because you come from a different background, a different culture. And that was massive, I think, at least in my environment. And I would maybe argue that it's a good thing.
Speaker 1:Actually, would suggest you do what Blanka does, just take a beat and learn the environment and not what I did. That's probably the wrong suggestion. But with that in mind, we kind of are in talking about this from the perspective of the individual. Like how's this is how the individual can do better. How can companies do better?
Speaker 2:So we all talk about diversity and inclusion, and it's all sounds lovely on the surface. Yeah. But, so there are multiple layers in a company. There is the big umbrella, the company umbrella with the visions and the mission and the values, And there are the teams and the individuals. So you have to read all those layers and it's, it makes it very complex because you come into a company.
Speaker 2:So I made the mistake because when I was working in corporate, started with the company when it was small. Were only like 500 people and the consulting company, and it was very much like a family like structure. And it was like easy to like be around even managing directors. And it was very direct. And when, when I transferred to The US, which was like much larger, 4,000 people, that's when I got lost.
Speaker 2:Because I got used to that, that I was like very direct, very like And plugged that's when I lost my track that, okay, what am I doing here? Where are my values? How can I add values? And my team was actually in New York and Florida and I was in Houston. So even not in the same spot, it was making my life much more difficult to navigate all these.
Speaker 2:And what we talked about is, is, is not just observing when you can observe, but the unwritten rules. You see that in conversations or in the boardroom or meetings, and those are so unhidden and subtle that you have to like really pay attention and aware to learn those.
Speaker 1:Yeah. How how how like, this is I've personally failed here. The rules are unwritten, but the people in the organization know the rules, so they're not making these mistakes. How do you observe the supposedly invisible? This is hard.
Speaker 2:It's very hard. And I wouldn't agree that they don't make mistakes because the fluctuation is pretty big in The US too. But it's easier when you are coming from the same culture. It's easier, for example, in The US it's huge when you are coming from the same school and from the same uni. And even if I have an economics degree, nobody cares about it because it's not from The US.
Speaker 2:It's not even from Texas. Right. So it's like, you you are finding those connecting points. And that's how you try to find some attraction with other people and they can help you to be plugged in and bring into the group and maybe explaining that, hey, this is not how we should do, or maybe you can do this here and differently here.
Speaker 1:Brilliant. Brilliant. I I mean, that's really the only solution. You have to A) be humble, B) you need to find a mentor, you need to admit that there is an unknown unknown, the supposedly Rumsfeld thing right, it's the unknowns that are unknown, you need to figure out what they are and the best ways to get a mentor. I love that.
Speaker 1:Again, I wish we talked six months ago, it would have saved me a lot of mistakes. And so we think about this in terms of companies, but then we also think about it in terms of family. Correct.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:What are the what are like, are we as managers, we're making mistakes maybe by not
Speaker 2:Tailing.
Speaker 1:Communicating what the unwritten rules are. Are we doing that as parents?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah. And sometimes we over communicate. Sometimes we under communicate. Sometimes we are just keeping no for the sake of saying no. And sometimes again, finding the balance is here comes the gentle parenting, no boundaries.
Speaker 2:So for so many people, which is actually a mistake, but that's, or the very authoritative is like, no, and I am the boss. This is my house and you do what I do. And so again, finding that ways and teaching and the easiest and the worst is that you are leading by example to your So they absorb how you communicate with your partner. Yes. So whatever they see, they will like monkey do, like monkey talk, they will do that.
Speaker 2:It's not just like telling them, but teaching them by leading by example. Yeah. And this is when it hard, it gets hard when you are tired and grumpy and you come home after work and you just want to sit down and just like stare out of your face. Yes.
Speaker 1:You
Speaker 2:cannot. And that's when you are, for example, like my daughter started to ask, it's very cute that how was your day daddy? As soon as my husband comes home, that's what he puts on his bag. And it's like, I asked that how was your day? Or how was the drive?
Speaker 2:When my daughter started to ask, is that daddy, how was your day? It's just like, oh, okay, this is how you teach when you didn't even know that she's like paying so much attention until it comes back to you.
Speaker 1:Yes. That's beautiful. That's absolutely beautiful. So here's the tough part, right? We're human as parents, we make mistakes all the time.
Speaker 1:Should we, like, there's a spectrum, right? There's the, what was it, the Sound of Music, right? You have the military I think it was The Sound of Music. I love that idea. Military, and then there's almost the end of The Sound of Music where he flips the script and suddenly he's this, like, soft, like, everything goes and, like, both of those are wrong.
Speaker 1:But what is the solution? Like, oh, because every one of us is somewhere on that spectrum, and then we get tired and we work hard and work takes our energies, so we're not even behaving like we want to behave. Like, what's the solution? As parents, how do we think about approaching, you know, our ideal of the is it the right mix of authoritative and listening and soft? Is there somewhere in the middle?
Speaker 1:Is it zigzagging between the two and trying to land on a path that makes sense? Like, what's the what should be our plan?
Speaker 2:Don't forget that phone trap. Captain phone trap from Sound of Music had a trauma. So that's why in fact, he was, like, very military. But, agility, like the whole life burned. It's, it's looking for being agile and the same is with parenting.
Speaker 2:And there will be days when you just feel like an awful parent. And then the other day you feel like Julie Andrews and singing and making and sewing from a curtain dresses. But navigating the situations, accepting yourself, forgiving for yourself, for all your mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes. The last three weeks has been very rough for us, but I also know that why I made those mistakes.
Speaker 2:And I have conversations about that with my child. And I'm I'm saying to her that even if mommy yelled at you, it wasn't about you. It was about mommy being tired and and, difficult or frustrated, whatever. So it's not about not making mistake. It's not about being perfect because there is nothing like perfect parenting.
Speaker 2:It's being agile, reading the situation, reading the child in front of you, and knowing yourself more, being more self aware with yourself and and saying and being humble and saying that I really messed up today, and I'm really sorry about that.
Speaker 1:Do you say that to the kids, or do you say it to yourself? Do you say it to the spouse? Do
Speaker 2:I do both. I do I do all. I say it to my daughter. I say it to myself. And I was like, today I
Speaker 1:must What does that have on the kids where you're basically saying, oh, mommy also makes mistakes and today was a bad day to me. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:It's teaching them that it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to fail. That's if you're trying to create that perfect glaze that everything is perfect and mommy and daddy are perfect, how it, so that's a huge pressure on them because if mommy and daddy are perfect, need to be perfect. And here comes like adult people pleasers because that's how they thought that they get the law. But when you say that mommy really messed up today and mommy got frustrated, it means that I'm a human being with emotions, with daily things.
Speaker 2:And it's okay to be, it's okay to be sad. We are suppressing. And especially The US, I see this, we are suppressing so many feelings. Yeah. As bad feelings, labeling them.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And that makes us sick emotionally, mentally, physically. And we are not living our feelings. We are just like, yes. Everything is a magical unicorn and pinky rose.
Speaker 2:It's it's not. And it's
Speaker 1:not I love I'll I'll I'll so I love this. You this is brilliant. Would you argue that by embracing your mistakes as a parent, you're actually creating more resilient children?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Because they are learning. They are learning that mom made mistake or daddy made mistake, but they stood up, stood up and they are keep going. They say, sorry. It's not just shifting, taking responsibility.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And being accountable. It's a huge thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And for example, I learned once that instead of like saying that, oh, the plate broke, you say that I broke the plate. This is how you are teaching responsibility to the kids.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:That it was me who broke it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's when they can take responsibility for bigger things. When it's like, okay, you spilled the milk. That's what happened. Let's clean up together. It's not like, oh, you spilled the milk again or something.
Speaker 2:It's like, oh, you spilled the milk. That's a mistake. Let's clean up. Or what can we do about it?
Speaker 1:I love that. I might even make another argument is that moving mistakes into out of the realm of shame and into the realm of learning. It actually is going to make the kids smarter. Because if they have the philosophy of you can't make mistakes, then they're going be afraid to do things, they're not going to take any kind of risk, even if it's not really risky, it's just, oh, there's the risk of me being wrong, That prevents them from learning.
Speaker 2:Yes. Again, they love you the most as parents. They want to please you. They want your love. And how do we gonna do that, okay, I cannot make mistakes.
Speaker 2:I cannot spill that milk because mommy said it last time that if I spill it again, she will hit me or whatever.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And it's just like, it creates pressure. It creates pressure on you because you try to pretend that you are perfect, but you are not. But also preventing, as you mentioned, a lot of learning because there is in mistakes or or like whatever failing, there is a lesson and there is a beauty and you can you can spin it into a good way.
Speaker 1:I love that. Should we should we be thinking about how to give etc. So if we are trying to, of course we're trying to make our children better than us, that's every parent's goal hopefully, and kind of learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. Should we be setting our children up to challenging environments to make mistakes and giving them the support to learn from it or should we be preventing them from situations in where they make mistakes to kind of shield them? How do we think of this as parents?
Speaker 1:Do we kind of go to the extreme of like, I'm gonna give you really hard things to do and then support you when you make mistakes? Or do we just let them live their life and the mistakes will come to them? Or let's shield them from mistakes. I see that a lot as well.
Speaker 2:Don't shield them.
Speaker 1:What do we There
Speaker 2:is no way that you can shield them. As much as we try to bubble wrap them as long as we can. You cannot Here comes 18 years old. They lived at home. You did the laundry.
Speaker 2:You cooked for them. Here comes 18 years old. They go to college or university or move out if they want to move out because so many kids now they don't want to move out from mommy daddy hotel, which is very comfortable. We know that. But the world will teach to teach them in one way or another.
Speaker 2:So I don't think you should just toss them out on the tiger toss like the Spartans did that, okay, figure this out for yourself. But, but yes. And, and that's why I love traveling, for example, because traveling always throw curve balls to the adults too, and to the kids and how you are navigating new situation. That's always a learning. So creating new experiences, you don't have to like travel far, but like creating experiences, go for a hiking trip with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah. See their resilience. Do they want to walk? Do they want to be carried? How they figure out their food if they are older, stuff like that.
Speaker 2:There are always experiences you can create with them that would give us or give them curve balls to learn from.
Speaker 1:Brilliant. Brilliant. I mean, this idea of the time, that moment that you're at your weakest and that something terrible happened and you're trying to figure it out and this is awful, That moment with the kids is when they're looking at you. That's when they're learning from you. That's where they're developing behavioral patterns.
Speaker 1:That's the opportunity for you to be awesome and think about sure this is a crisis, sure this is awful, Sure, I just want to break down and cry. But you're teaching your children a skill right now. It's an opportunity. It's a memory. And sometimes the hardest parts are the most fondly looked back.
Speaker 1:Sure, it will be in three, four, five years, who knows? But it's a memory that's going to be golden, not at this moment, but you know, this is life, right? It's dealing with the hard moments. And I think maybe the highest level of this art is maybe turning it golden at that moment and saying, okay, this really, really, really sucks. This is a really hard moment, but we're gonna get through this together and how can we do that?
Speaker 2:And learning how you regulate it. And that's why we are so many times, I hate this, but we are failing, regulating our own emotions. Yeah. And posing for a sec. And you are, as you mentioned, so for example, we were traveling with my daughter and we, we missed our last flight.
Speaker 2:And it was really hard because we had to wait eight hours on an, on an airport with a two year and a half year old toddler. And I slept only And two I was like, this is really, really hard. How can I regulate my emotions and nervous system that I try to be the best with the two hours of sleeping and make fun out of it? So we were checking out all the service dogs at the airport. Wonderful.
Speaker 2:Saying bys and highs. We were making friends. We went to the different stores, but it's like, what can you do on that level? Then it's like, okay, this is, this is hard. But first of all, it's temporary.
Speaker 2:The next fight we leave in eight hours, so it's not forever. What can I do about it? What's the best we can do?
Speaker 1:When do you so, I mean, it's a very like masculine approach. Like let's solve the problem. Let's be practical. How do you balance the and this is a little stereotypical, so I apologize in advance for using stereotypes, but how do you balance the kind of feminine, like let's listen, let's embrace the emotion, let's not take action, And then on the other side, the kind of more masculine approach of, oh, let's just go fix it. Right?
Speaker 1:I've got a tool. I can use the hammer. Let's let's smash something and that will fix it. Like because because, like, each approach has its value. How do you figure out when is the right time for what tool?
Speaker 2:So I wanted to break down at the airport at 8AM when we missed our flight, but it was not the right time.
Speaker 1:Could
Speaker 2:I reflect on it and bring in then my feminine? Yes, I could later. So there is a time for everything. And even in that moment, I could like, just even like acknowledging that, okay, this really sucks right now. And I would like to cry, but I was with my toddler.
Speaker 2:My husband was not there. So I cannot break that right now.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It's like, okay, there is a time maybe I bottle up, not forever because I have to reflect on it. But when she was falling asleep, I was journaling that, okay, what is my lesson? So you can always bring in, but even three big deep breath is, is bringing in that calm and that feminine energy is just the receiving. And then you can go into your, get things done.
Speaker 1:Get shit done.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Get shit done mode and the very masculine and okay, I have to do this, this, and this. Or the feminism is like, okay, I'm just like, let my toddler like lead the whole conversation or or where we are going. And I asked that, okay, where do you want to go? Yes.
Speaker 2:Instead of like,
Speaker 1:I have
Speaker 2:to fix this right now and we go here or do this. It's like, you know what? Just tell me what you would like to do. And she's like, I would like to go into this store. And I was like, you know what?
Speaker 2:Let's open.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful. I mean, the big point there is that the the reason that children often stress out is because we're stressed out. Yes. They might not feel like there's a problem. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So in many ways, and I love what you did there, just letting go and kind of remembering for a second, this is not about you, this is about them. Like, like, hey, what do you want to do? And then suddenly all your like, then now you're seeing yourself in them and like, they're not stressed. Why am I stressed? Like, I'm creating the stress.
Speaker 1:And that that that is absolutely beautiful. Oh my God. Blanka, you won't believe it, but this has been thirty minutes. Yep. Again.
Speaker 1:We're again out of time. I hope you had fun today.
Speaker 2:Always. Thank
Speaker 1:you so much for coming. Since we did my famous question already, we're not going to do it again. So I'll come up with a different question. What is the question that you wish that I asked you today that I did not ask you?
Speaker 2:Don't have any questions
Speaker 1:then like answer it.
Speaker 2:No. I I don't have any questions because our conversations are always flowing and my brain is on a highway and it's like, this is great, but there are so many exits there would be. So it's like where we are taking again, I'm just going with the flow, so no questions.
Speaker 1:Just in the moment. Blanka, thank you so much for joining the show today. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me again.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. Did you