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In this rich and wide-ranging shiur, Rav Dov Ber Cohen unpacks what teshuva really means at its core: not a checklist of external changes, but a genuine return to healthy relationship — with yourself,
The Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Podcast explores Jewish mindfulness, emotional mastery, relationships, and real inner avodah.
In each shiur, Rabbi Dov Ber shares practical Torah wisdom for navigating anxiety, deepening connection, strengthening emunah, and living with greater presence and purpose.
Rooted in Chassidic depth yet grounded in everyday life, these teachings are experiential, honest, and transformative.
If you’re seeking clarity without pressure, growth without guilt, and spirituality that actually changes how you live - this podcast is for you.
So we said last time that Teshuva is Pashut Meod. Teshuva is very, very simple and easy. Why is Teshuva simple and easy? Because when the dad loves the kid, he doesn't make it hard. A dad loves his kid. The kid messes up. Then the kid says, 'Oi, I messed up.' The dad says, 'Okay, that's cool. Thank you. Thank you for recognizing that, and thank you for wanting the relationship. I want it too. I want the relationship, so I'm not going to make it hard. If my kids do something wrong and they say sorry and they mean it, I'm like, great. If they write me a whole essay and they say, 'I'm sorry,' and they—but they don't mean it, I'm like, I don't want a whole essay. But if they just look at me and they're like, 'Abba, I'm really sorry, I just want to be close to you again,' I'll be like, 'Great, you are! You are!' The second my children want to be close to me and express it, they have now come close to me. That's called Teshuva. You did it. But then we said there's a second part of Teshuva, which is okay, but now you got to actually start showing that. Very good that you want it, but so you came home, but you're still smoking weed in your bedroom and watching whatever you're watching in your bedroom, and it's like, so I still, I do love you and I'm happy you want to—and you're home, I'm opening the doors, but dude, stop smoking the weed, man, and stop watching the stuff. Why are you still smoking the weed and watching the stuff? So there's really two parts. There's the Ratzon, the will, the desire, and then there's the action that comes along with that. And the truth is if you don't take the action, it means you didn't really want it enough. You said you wanted it. So we have this idea that if you want to give Tzedakah, you're walking down the road and you want to give Tzedakah and you see someone and you want to give them Tzedakah and you put your hand in your pocket and you got no money, it's as if you gave them Tzedakah in Shamayim. You get a—you don't get the Mitzvah of Tzedakah, but you get the Mitzvah of wanting to do Tzedakah which is equally as powerful as having given Tzedakah. And then you're walking down the street the next day and you see someone and you're like, 'I really want to give them Tzedakah,' and you put your hand in your pocket again, no money. So you get the Mitzvah of wanting to do Tzedakah. If on the third day you want to give Tzedakah and you put your hand in your pocket, no money, it's like, hold on a second. If you really wanted to give Tzedakah, you would have had money in your pocket at that point, unless you really don't have money and then it's not your fault. But it's like you just walked past that guy three times, you have money in your drawer at home. I understand that you forgot twice or whatever, third time it's like, hold on, you didn't really, really want to. You didn't really want to because how do I know? Because you didn't do anything about it. So it's always got to be the two parts. I want it. So many people are correcting just their external stuff. This is why Rosh Hashanah is different from New Year's resolutions. New Year's resolution is I'm going to change external stuff to live a better life, and it doesn't work. Judaism says I'm going to change my whole internal reality. Teshuva is a complete different Ratzon, my whole Ratzon is different, and then through having a stronger Ratzon then my actions will naturally be better. I'm not trying to work on my actions, I'm trying to work on my Ratzon itself. What do I really want? What am I living for? How do you know how much you want something? We've done this several times, I want two answers. Anyone who's been in my class for the last ever. What are the two answers? How do you know how much you want something? And then there's a third answer if you're a religious Jew as well. How do you know how much you want something? Okay, the number one way, God bless you, child. You can sneeze again. It's good to split up your sneeze because then I can bless you again. The number one way to know how much you want something is how much you think about it. How much you think about it. If you can't think about it, Shalom. So you want a new dress. How much do you know how much you want that new dress? How much you think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. If you'd like it but whatever, then you kind of think about it a little bit. But if you really want that new dress, you fall asleep thinking about it and you wake up thinking about it. We know what that feels like, you know? That new dress, we just want it. Or that girl, there's that girl in Tel Aviv. I want that girl. Now, if she's alright and it was like 'I don't mind', then she pops into your mind once in a while. But if you want that girl, then you're obsessed, you just think about her all the time. So the more you think about something, that shows how much you want it. You want your team to win, you can't stop thinking about it. That's—so the number one most obvious way you know how much you want something is how much you think about it and you can use this in reverse. If you really just sat down and wrote down all your thoughts during the day, that would reveal to you what you want, because that's what you think about. You think about food all day, so that's why you're obsessed with food, you're obsessed... Who's thinking about Hashem all day? I just think what percentage of your thoughts are about Hashem? So if it's not a lot, it means you don't really want it so much. Now you say you do and you do actually, there is of course I want a relationship with Hashem. So why aren't you thinking about Hashem as much as you're thinking about the girl in Tel Aviv? Because you want the girl in Tel Aviv more than you want Hashem. That's okay. But just understand your neshama wants Hashem more than it wants a girl in Tel Aviv probably. You'll go for it. We get the idea. What does it mean to want Hashem? To yearn for closeness. To want... what does it mean to want anything? I want that dress, it means I want to own it, I want to possess it, I want to be close to it, I want to have a relationship to it. Wanting really means relationship. And we said there's really four parts of relationship, which is ahava, yira, simcha, and devekut. Which means love, which means I want to invest in it, I want to feel connected to it. Yira means I respect it, I look up to it, I get excited about it. Simcha is it gives me a lot of joy, and devekut means I actually feel intrinsically one with this thing. So we said there are three main relationships. Shalom Aleichem! What do you mean you don't know who this is? So, your three main relationships: בין אדם לעצמו בין אדם לחברו בין אדם למקום. Three main relationships: you and yourself, you and others, and you and Hashem. Those are your three main relationships. So relationship is defined as emotional intimacy. I think in last week's class I said: is father and son a close relationship? Not if they hate each other. It's not a close relationship at all. They're closely related, but it's not close relationship because relationship is defined as emotional intimacy. To the extent that you have strong emotional intimacy, that's how strong the relationship is. Emotional intimacy is defined with these four things: ahava, yira, simcha, and devekut. Which means we love each other, which means we want to be close to each other, we feel very close to each other and we want to invest. Ahava, love, is really give. I want to give. I want to give to people I love and I create love by giving, investing. Then you have yira which is respect. I look up to this person, I hold them in high esteem, I have reverence for them. Then simcha: if there's no simcha in a relationship, there's no relationship. So I love my wife, I feel close to my wife, I feel warm, secure, I want to be around her, I want to feel close to her and I want to give to her. And I respect my wife, she's amazing: yoga teacher, energy healer, artist, she's amazing woman. So I respect, I look up to her. But if I love her and respect her but there's no simcha, then what... it's not really a relationship. I also... simcha means I enjoy being around her, it makes me happy. It's happy: we go for a walk in the park together, I'm looking forward to that, that makes me very happy. I want to be around her. And devekut means I feel intrinsically connected, I feel that we're one... part of one thing. Therefore, your relationship with yourself, you have these three relationships with yourself, with others and Hashem. You have to feel those four things with yourself too. You have to love yourself. You have to love yourself, which means you have to want to be close... which means by the way, you speak to yourself nicely. I speak to my wife nicely, why? Because I love her. So you should be speaking to yourself nicely, you should have self-love, you should want to give to yourself, invest in yourself, nurture yourself. Then you should respect yourself. Yira, you should respect yourself. I look... I actually look up to myself because I have the right values and I do the right thing. And then simcha: you have to enjoy being around yourself, which most people don't. It's really sad. Most people don't really enjoy being around themselves... and when we say yourself on a more practical level at the moment, it's the voice in your head. Do you like... do you like the voice in your head? How's the voice in your head? Is that your best friend? If we took the voice in your head and put it into like an AI robot, and the AI robot walked around saying what your mind is saying to you all day, would you like that AI robot? Would you want that AI robot to be anywhere near you? You'd be like, just shut up! Why are you overanalyzing everything? And also haven't you just had that same train of thought 500 times? You just said the same thing, why are you saying the same thing again? And you know that that train, chain, train, train of thought is taking you to somewhere that doesn't feel good. So why are you just doing it? And why are you putting me down the whole time? Why are you overly obsessive and critical and analytical? And why do you care so much what other people think of you? You just be like, dude, what's wrong with you? But it's not a robot outside you, it's in your own head. So what percentage of your thoughts are actually useful, helpful, positive, uplifting, kind? Not very many. So most people don't like hanging out with. and so they have to distract themselves with screens and drugs and stuff, which doesn't make the voice in their head any better. Hello. Are you your best friend? Are you your best friend? Yes, I am. I think so. Great. You need to be your best friend. You need to want to hang out. I basically lived in Asia for six years on my own. You gotta like yourself, otherwise you'll kill yourself out there, right? Don't you think it comes and goes, though? Like, some moments you're like to be nasty and sometimes you're nice, but it feels like it's not constant. I think it comes and goes. I think everyone has a different percentage of how nice or not. You don't think it's normal to go back and forth? No, I think it's very normal to go back and forth. I just think we can get to a stage where you're not doing that, where like, I just like myself. And when a not-nice thought comes along, you say, \"Well, hey dude, you're okay. Well, hi, dude, it's okay.\" Well, when you have negative thoughts that come along... Sometimes negative thoughts come, and then I either learn from them, which means they're not negative anymore because I use them for something positive, or I let them go because they're not helping me. Very simple. So, אהבה, יראה, שמחה, דביקות. Yes, please. I was interested in how you identify the difference between your own self-thoughts, like I actually really look up to myself, but then I have like what I consider to be kind of like programmed negative opinions of myself that I've collected in childhood that I've been trying to work on. But is that source really me or the yetzer hara? Good. So just very, very quickly, you, you are only pure, good, holy, and positive. So any thought in your mind that isn't pure, good, holy, and positive actually isn't you at all. It's the voice of the snake in the garden of Eden that got into your psyche. The problem is it's using your voice, and it's taken over. So it's become so you that you've like, that is, or at least that's part of me. I have a part of me that's positive and a part of me that's negative. It happens that for most people that the negative part is the most of it. For most people the negative is 80% or whatever. But Judaism teaches you, you know what, that anything negative, critical, not useful is pashut not your voice. It might be the voice of your parents, of your ex, of your society, of your wounding. It's someone's voice, but it's actually not your voice. It just happens to be using your voice. Is there a difference between those programmed voices and the yetzer hara? Or are they separate? No, I'd say anything that is negative and not helping you is yetzer hara, wherever it came from. You're born with a bad nature, someone abused you, wherever the negative thoughts in your mind came from is now the yetzer hara. Yetzer hara basically means... what does ra mean? Ra means broken. It means not serving the purpose. Ra. That's what ra really means. Ra, we translate it as evil, but it means broken. It's not working, it doesn't work. So any thought that doesn't work is the yetzer hara. And any thought that works is the yetzer tov. Yetzer hara taking you towards bad, yetzer tov taking you toward manifesting goodness, or taking you away from that. Yes. How do you know if it's the yetzer hara or the yetzer tov, cause maybe it's like pushing you to do something that is a little bit... Great question. So the first simple answer is: are you actually growing? If it's, \"I don't go to the gym enough. I don't go to the gym enough.\" Is that yetzer hara or yetzer tov? Yetzer hara. I don't know. If it's making you go to the gym more, then it's good. So the simple answer is, is it helping you or not? So the thought... there are some thoughts that are actually neutral. \"I don't go to the gym enough\" is a neutral thought. Then the yetzer hara or yetzer tov is, the yetzer hara jumps on that thought and says, \"So you're lazy and you'll never get married and you're going to die early because you're just unhealthy.\" And the yetzer tov takes that neutral thought and says, \"Wow, I better go to the gym,\" and goes to the gym. So there are some thoughts that are neutral and your judgment of the thought is then yetzer hara or yetzer tov. But the simple answer is: is it helping you become a happier, healthier, greater person? And if it's not, then don't do it. As we say, my favorite guiding principle in life is: if it doesn't help, don't do it. I just don't do things that don't help. Well, I do sometimes, but not that much. Yeah? And following up on that, thinking about neshamot all day, I feel like when it comes to, like, our physical relationships we have with people, we spend so much time overanalyzing them because they're not... Do you want to say, would you like to say \"I\", just because it's really empowering? But you're right, \"we\", because everyone does. Okay, I. Okay. I... Like they're not always with us. We have to like, you know, sometimes people-please and just like make sure they're, you know, Hashem's always there. We could just turn on and say like Hashem, hi, I'm here. And I feel like sometimes it could be easier to have a relationship with Hashem than with people. Yep. No, what do you mean sometimes? Always. Exactly, 100%. We don't think of it about Hashem because Hashem's always there. When you say we, you mean I. I. Okay. Okay. I don't think about Hashem. Why? What is? It's the same thing, don't say, don't say, sit down. But I want to add to that, which is, it is true. You could say we and it would be true. I'm just saying I is more powerful. Okay, so I don't think about Hashem because you're over-concerned about thinking about what other people think of you. Okay, that's not helping you live a wonderful life. So stop it. Stop caring so much what other people think about you, especially because they're not thinking about you. We always say this. You're so worried what people are thinking about. Yeah. No one's thinking about you. Your mom is, maybe, or whatever. But she's only thinking about you for her own sake because the better you do, the better she looks, so she can show off to her friends about it. I don't know your mom, I'm sure she's lovely. So, you're right. So you're doing something that is completely psychotic. So stop doing that. Just say, so next time you'll notice that your mind is analyzing what other people think about you, stop. Actually just stop. Sit up straight, look at your children and say, hi Hashem! Wow, you're so here and you love me unconditionally. Where, by the way, apart from your mom, no one loves you unconditionally. Some people do, I don't know, but God does. So you're worried about what people who don't love you unconditionally think about you, and they're not even thinking about you. That's a funny thing. So I think this is a major thing and it's a major catalyst, it's a major stimulus for teshuva, which is every time you notice you're thinking something that you know you shouldn't, rather than get upset with yourself, just stop and think about Hashem. I did this last Elul. I'm going to do it again this Elul. When I said a few times a day when I reach for my phone to check again, which I don't need to, I'm going to pull my hand back and speak to Hashem instead. I'm going to use my bad habit to trigger a good habit. So then rather than getting upset that I had that bad habit, I'm actually using it now and then two good things happen. Number one is you start doing the good things more often because every time you reach for your phone, you reach for your phone 150 times a day at least. So imagine 10 of them you put your hand back and talk to Hashem. Now you've hit Hashem 10 times more than you would have, so Baruch Hashem you've used the bad thing for the good thing. Second thing is, the yetzer hara sees that and then stops. If every time you have a jealous thought, instead of perpetuating the jealous thought or beating yourself up, you actually said, well you know that if I had more gratitude, then I'd have less jealousy. So every time a jealous thought comes, you use it and you say, thank you yetzer hara for sending me a jealous thought, because now I'm going to have one moment of gratitude. Then the yetzer hara is going to stop sending jealous thoughts. Then they'll send all other sick ones, but it's a level. You got to level up. So you're using the yetzer hara against himself. So then he stops. And then every time you have a jealous thought, build emunah, because if you had emunah you wouldn't be jealous. So now you're using your yetzer hara's jealous thoughts to build emunah. Brilliant. And then you're like, thanks yetzer hara, bring it on. Yetzer hara, just send me loads of jealous thoughts, please. And the yetzer hara's like, no. And then you stop suffering from jealousy. Awesome. Takes a while, like your whole life, but... So teshuva's particularly easy, but we have two steps. So you got to hit the ratzon, the ratzon. Shalom. You can join us. There's a chair, there's chairs here, b'ezrat Hashem. There's only one there. Here we go, there's another one. Brilliant. Setting them up. There is a chair here, if you'd like. We're talking about how wonderful you are and how wonderful life could be. Isn't that amazing? Most people are just schlepping around trying to survive, which is sad because the universe was created for you to realize how wonderful you are and how wonderful life could be. So what teshuva is is a return to healthy relationship. I just literally made that up right now. But I believe it's true. teshuva means a return to healthy relationship. You didn't just make that up, you've said that before. Yeah? In those words? Yeah, like in your moments of inspiration where you just channel these things, you've said that. The truth is... The truth is, I say the same thing every class. I've never said anything new. And people are like, yeah, but I need to hear it again. It's great, I get away with it. I know very, very, very little, but what I know I know it really well and I say it quite well. So people just keep coming back for more. And thank God people don't really consciously grow so much, so they need to keep hearing it. So if actually people listened to my classes, I'd be out of a job. I'd have no career. So I'm relying on you failing miserably in being great because then my classes are still relevant all the time. Yes, did you have a question? Yeah. What do you mean by a healthy relationship? Like אהבה יראה שמחה דבקות? אהבה יראה שמחה דבקות. A healthy relationship is defined by these four things: love, reverence, respect, joy, and a feeling of intrinsic oneness. But those like how can like in a way I feel like those things can still exist even if somebody isn't necessarily always doing the right thing. Yeah, 100 percent. But when I I have a healthy relationship with my wife, but sometimes I don't do the right thing. That moment I don't do the right thing, temporarily the relationship is not as good as it was. It doesn't mean now we don't love, respect, have joy. It just means at that moment there is some distance in our relationship. That's okay, no relationship is perfect. Does distance mean that the relationship isn't as healthy? Like if we're saying that teshuva is the return to a healthy relationship, meaning that when that we're experiencing a healthy relationship, but how can like doing a mistake or sinning against Hashem make that relationship unhealthy? Ah, beautiful. So it doesn't take away the love. If I upset my wife, she doesn't stop loving me, I hope. But at that moment we've lost simcha. There's less simcha now within the relationship. So a loving relationship has these four things: love, respect, joy, and a feeling that we're one. So when I upset my wife, the love never goes. The love is always there. However, I might not feel the love. Sometimes I don't feel I love my wife. Well, I don't know, my wife's different, she's perfect. But in general, sometimes you don't feel you love I don't know, I love people a lot. Love's not a good example. But sometimes you don't feel I was going to say I don't feel I love my children, but I always feel I love my children. But I always feel I love my children, but sometimes I don't want to be around them. So that means at the time when my children are behaving very, very badly once a year, it's our relationship isn't healthy. Now it's fundamentally healthy because nothing could ever change my love and respect for them, but in that moment there is a feeling of distance. So when we talk about being close to Hashem, you can never not be close to Hashem. Hashem is physically definitely Hashem's everywhere, but spiritually as well because you're a manifestation of Hashem. It's just do you feel it? Do I sometimes I don't feel so close to my wife. I just don't feel sometimes I don't want to be around her. I'm just like, I just don't want to be around. So that means that at that moment the relationship has a feeling of distance. Although of course the love is still there, it's just a bit buried at the moment. And of course the respect is still there, I'm just not experiencing respect at the moment because she did something I don't respect. And of course there is overall simcha, but I'm not experiencing the simcha now. So when it comes to relationship in general and especially with Hashem and everything, is am I experiencing those things? So I just want to understand this. So in this whole aspect of relationships and okay, you get upset with your wife. I actually don't. I don't. Because I'm perfect. I don't get upset. She's perfect. We're both perfect. Just use your example. Our marriage is perfect. And our children are perfect. Thank you. And I highly doubt Sarah did something that you don't respect. No, exactly. But you're saying there's potential for distance. A feeling of distance. A feeling of distance. But that feeling is not necessarily as you said before with your neshama because your neshama doesn't Oh, the neshama's always connected, always the neshama always has this. But remember we said in this world you're not defined by pure soul, you're defined by ruach. Ruach is your conscious consciousness. And your consciousness has a mixture of good and bad and closeness and so we're trying to your neshama always feels love for every Jew. Your neshama loves every Jew. The most notorious cutthroat pro-Palestine whatever, your neshama loves that Jew, mamash, loves them, loves them. Your ego doesn't love them, your values don't love them, but so when we say aligning yourself with healthy... healthy relationship, it means bringing your ruach in line with your neshama. Helping your consciousness, your conscious psyche actually experience what your neshama is always experiencing. Your neshama is always, always experiencing אהבה יראה שמחה ודבקות. Isn't it your values? Because you value... We're going to have to do this quickly. We did it last week but very quickly. There are two yous. There's the essential you, who you really are, which is a pure perfect shining holy neshama. And then there's who you are being, which really means your thoughts, speech and action in this world, who you are being. The purpose of life is to be who you are, i.e., choose to think, speak and act like a soul. But you can choose to be who you aren't. You can think horrible thoughts and say horrible things. And then that will change the soul? No, it doesn't change your soul. Your soul's always perfect, pure. You can't change your soul. Neshama's always perfect and pure. You just have to make sure your thoughts, speech and action are representing your neshama, and they could or they could not. Which one defines you more? You just said it. This one actually. Who you are being defines you more than who you intrinsically are. The example I always give, someone comes up to me and says, Rabbi Cohen, I'd like to marry your daughter. So I punch them in the face, because she's fourteen years old. But whatever. In six years from now, someone comes up to me, Rabbi Cohen, I'd like to marry your daughter. I'd say to him, if you even look at my daughter, I'll cut both of your legs off. And you would have deserved it, because I know that you get out of bed at eleven o'clock and smoke weed and then watch pornography and then beat up, steal from your parents. You're just a horrible, horrible... and then he'd look at me and say, yes but Rabbi Cohen, don't forget that intrinsically I'm a perfectly shining holy radiant pure neshama. I'd say to him, I don't care who you are, I care who you're being, and you're not being that. So yes, your values do define you ultimately, but you can also have the right values but not be living up to your values. So what really defines you is, are you living up to your values? I value my health, but I'm smoking all day. Well done, but you're not valuing your health. You might value it, but you're not valuing it. So I judge someone based on what they're valuing, not based on what they value by the way. I judge someone based on what they're valuing. So, I value, I value being good over looking good. So why are you spending all day doing your hair and your makeup and buying nice clothes and putting pouty photos of you on Instagram? Wait, that's not, you're not being good when you're doing that. By the way, Rabbeinu Yonah says the only thing you can't do teshuva for is pouty photos on social media. Fish face. You can't, you can't do teshuva for that. You can kill someone, you can do teshuva. You can do anything. Pouty photo on social media, that's it, you're finished. You're so spiritually disconnected at that point you are, you're spiritually dead. We have, in modern day you get the death penalty for pouty photo. Pouty photo you're gone, you're done, finish, you're out the game. You've lost your soul. Your soul left your body at that point. Everyone's going to go and change their whole... You know what, I really did teshuva before Rosh Hashanah this year. I deleted all my pouty photos. I deleted all mine. I took all the photos of me in a bikini off Facebook anyway long time ago when I did teshuva because I didn't like the attention I was getting. I look very good in a bikini. But why do I want people to give me attention for that? And everyone's writing stunning, XXX and I was like, yes I am. I'm gorgeous. I am gorgeous. So you've got to live in line with your values. Live in line with your values. That's teshuva. Teshuva is I'm living in line with my soul. And my soul is full of אהבה יראה שמחה ודבקות. My soul is literally experiencing אהבה יראה שמחה ודבקות all the time. I'm experiencing anxiety, greed and jealousy all the time. There's a big gap between my soul and my, my psyche, my present consciousness. So teshuva is let's return to that. Let's return to healthy, spiritual, spiritually aware, aligned, positive, kind, sweet and giving nature. But the anxiety, greed, jealousy, etc., that's all almost like natural, innate type of thing. So what's going on all day long when I'm just there, so okay, so anxiety, I remember what to do about that, that tells me I need to breathwork, somatic experiencing, right. If you've tried everything for many, many... many years and you're really kind of still dysfunctional, suicidal, maybe microdosing psilocybin, there's a time for that if you've tried everything else, but if you just say, \"Well, my anxiety is just really me now, it's part of,\" then you're done. As soon as you give up and surrender and say, \"this is who I am,\" this was the first class we gave. First class we gave is your past does not define you, although for most people it does. \"This is who I am\" is the most disempowering thing you can do and Rebbe Nachman says that means you're old. The second you say \"this is who I am and I can't change,\" you're old. So you might be fourteen years old and you're an old person. If you're ninety-six years old and say \"I can change, I can become better,\" you're young. Old and young in real world terms is do you feel I can be new. The second you say \"I can't be new,\" now you're old, fine. The second you say \"I can be new every day.\" But I just spent ninety-six years being jealous. Yeah, but I'm sure I can still work on it, I can get rid of my jealousy tomorrow. Then you're young then. You're alive, you're living with vitality. So, teshuva is a complete re-identification with your perfect, pure essence. I'm re-identifying. And it's not just I'm saying Tehillim, which is cute, you can do that too, but I think you should as well. I think you should. But most people their teshuva is a very external changing some that as we said before, that's New Year's resolutions. I'm going to give up smoking, get up earlier, and put on tefillin every day. So, if you did actually do that, it would be alright, but did you transform yourself internally? So there we always say there's two levels: there's chitzoniyus and the pnimiyus. There's the external and the internal. So in every area, for example, we believe in self-control. Self-control, shlita atzmi, very, very important. But there's two levels of self-control. Level number one is, I really, really, really want to eat that rugelach right now. Even though it's just gluten and sugar, there's no real reason for me to eat that. It's only going to give me thirty seconds of pleasure as the sugar passes over my tongue, and then it's not going to be good. So I really want to eat that rugelach, but I'm not going to. And you don't. That is called self-control and it's a wonderful level, but it's called self-control chitzoni. The higher level is, I don't want to eat the rugelach. Not interested. Lashon hara. My wife is like the lashon hara queen of the Jewish people. She's like Chofetz Chaim. She's just obsessed with lashon hara. She just cannot stop speaking about other people. No, she's obsessed with fighting lashon hara. It's her mission in life. It's hard living with someone like that. It's like, \"always, was that lashon hara?\" Anyway, so... Yes, she taught a class in Ra'anana yesterday. It was awesome. We had Shabbat in Ra'anana yesterday, it was amazing. That's why I wasn't in the park. It was amazing, like three hundred people. Anyway, so, here's the first level. I'll tell you the first level. First level is, I really want to speak lashon hara. I really want to, but I'm not going to cause you're not allowed to. The real level is, I don't want to speak lashon hara. I don't have to struggle to not speak lashon hara, 'cause why on earth would I speak lashon hara? So it's a completely different type of self-control. One is, I'm not transformed as a person at all, I'm just not doing the bad thing 'cause I'll get punished by God if I do. And that's good, that's better than nothing, at least you're not speaking lashon hara. But the fact that you still want to speak lashon hara, that's a bad thing. So you have to refine yourself to the place where I just don't want to speak lashon hara. I'm not struggling, it's not a struggle anymore, I just don't want to speak lashon hara. Does the first lead to the second? Yes, the first could lead to the second, but not if you just stop with the first. Some people feel that the first is enough, but we always say your external actions can transform your internal way. You can train yourself to be kind. So start giving more... if you're not a kind person, start giving more tzedakah even against your nature, and then you recreate your nature, it's called second nature by the way, and then you become a kind person. But not necessarily. It doesn't necessarily go there unless you mechaven, unless you say \"by doing this, I want to change my nature.\" Wouldn't it, to me it sounds like it's almost the reverse? So because I want to practice self-control, I know this is innate in me, but I'm practicing self-control because I want to be this better person. I want to become who I really am. So there's really three levels. There's the \"I don't want to speak lashon hara,\" which is your neshama. Then there's your current psychological state, which is \"I do want to speak lashon hara\" and \"I speak lashon hara.\" So then what the first level is, I'm now training this that I'm not going to... but I haven't changed my thing. And the second level, when we say I'm a naturally jealous person. Hashem has given me jealousy, that's one of my traits. Hashem gave me the trait of anger, jealousy, greed. That's still external because your actual, actual, actual nature is just pure perfect love and joy. On top of your perfect pure love and joy, Hashem then put jealousy. And then it's your consciousness. So you're looking at yourself and you're saying my naturally I'm a jealous person, which is true because God gave you the trait of jealousy, but the trait of jealousy doesn't define you, it's in itself is external to who you really are, which is a neshama, which your neshama doesn't have jealousy. So it's just going deeper and deeper. This is what why we once said every class for the last ten years that there's two types of inner child work. Most people, many people are doing inner child work which is understand that most of my reactions as a 27 year old is because my mom said something not nice to me when I was five. So my husband said something to me and I got really upset with my husband, well really it's just because he reminded me of my dad who abused me. Whatever, that kind of. But Judaism says you need to do inner inner child work and tap back into that pure innocent perfect child before it was abused by its parents. So Judaism says there is an inner child that's really broken and in pain and confused and and you have to know how to work with that inner child and don't repress it and let it speak but then acknowledge it but then say you're okay and nurture and soothe and heal that inner child. But then there's a deeper inner child work which is there's a place within you that was not abused in the first place. The inner inner child. So we need to do inner inner child work and inner child work. And inner inner. And this is what teshuva is. Teshuva is let's get back to that place where it's okay, I'm okay. And part of that is healing what needs to be healed. I'm healing. Healing my relationship, first healing with my relationship with myself and healing with my relationship with Hashem. So we said so these are the two levels. Been coughing for about three weeks now. Baruch Hashem. I haven't been coughing, my body has been coughing. Souls don't cough. My body has been coughing for about three weeks now. Baruch Hashem. So here we go. Amnam, so we said first of all teshuva's very easy, I just want to have a relationship with God. I just want to be a healthy person, I just want that. However, if you're not doing the actions that are taking you there, how strong was your desire in the first place? It calls into question how strong your ratzon really was. As we said before, if your ratzon is strong enough then you'll do it. The example we always use is you say you can't get out of bed in the morning but then I offer you $50,000 to get out of bed in the morning, then you get out of bed in the morning. So why did you get out of bed in the morning? Because you wanted $50,000. So once you want something enough then you put in the effort to get it. That's it, very simple. So don't you want to live a great life? Isn't that enough putting effort, worth putting effort in? When I say to my students, hey, I need someone to collect the girl of your dreams from the airport at 5:00 AM, will you go? And they're like oh boy, I'll be there, you can count on me rabbi. And I could never count on you, but suddenly you're the most reliable human on the face of the planet when it's she's like the most beautiful woman, mazel tov, thank you. So why can I rely on him? Because he values beautiful women. But I can't rely on him to show up for shachris, why? Because he doesn't value shachris. So suddenly he's not so reliable anymore. So then people say yeah but you're not offering me $50,000 and the girl of my dream, so why should I get out of bed? And I say I'm offering you self-worth, you idiot. I'm offering you living a greater life, being a better husband and father, what's wrong with you? You think $50,000 is going to make you a happy person? Or you think self-respect is going to make you a happy person? Yeah, but it's not tangible so I'd rather have the $50,000. You're an idiot. But I still love you, come to my class anyway. Because really, intrinsically you're not an idiot, you're a beautiful, sweet, shining, holy, radiant being of light. You're just being an idiot. So stop being an idiot. You know what teshuva is? Stop being an idiot. There you go, that's a new definition. Teshuva, stop being an idiot. Brilliant. Downloading awesome stuff here. Stop being, come to my class, stop being an idiot. Here we go. So here we go, we said it's easy, all you have to do is talk to Hashem in a relationship, the best way to repair a relationship is communication. The worst way to repair a relationship is arguing. Arguing's really bad. Arguing's the lowest form of communication. In fact, arguing is not communication. Arguing's the opposite of communication. Communication comes from the word commune, which means to come together. Commune, let's live in a commune. Cool. We're going to do that. So arguing does the opposite. So communicate, so you say to Hashem, you say to Hashem, Abba, Dad, Dad, Abba, sorry if you didn't have a good father. Sorry if you didn't have a good father because it's hard to have a good relationship with Hashem and when everyone keeps saying your Hashem is your father, your loving father and you're like I know what fathers are like, so we can deal with your trauma, but we're going to try and work through this, and for most of my students the way to deal with their father, their not good father is to become a good father. The most really the most healing thing for someone who had a bad father is to be a good father and that heals, they are the father to their children that they never had and that heals them themselves by doing that. Obviously there's a lot of healing to do before you can be a father, but it's a big part of it. אבא אני חוזר אליך מכל לבי, Hashem, I'm just coming back, I'm coming home, man, coming home. That's it, done, Tshuva is done. Hashem I'm coming, that's it, just that one moment where you're like Oy, I want to come home. That's it, you're done. So how do you repair that relationship if you have a friend that you feel like was not good to you? I will talk about that second, how do you forgive people, do you have to forgive people, do you have to forgive someone who didn't apologize and change? No. Absolutely not. You do not have to forgive someone if they didn't apologize and change. But you have to forget them, don't walk around with resentment, that doesn't help. But you don't need to forgive someone. ומהיום אני רק ש, from today I want to start again. I just want to start again. And while you're saying it to Hashem, be real with Hashem and say, look, Hashem, from today I just want to be holy and pure with you, but I know I'm human and I know I'm going to mess up again, but it doesn't mean I don't want it. Don't try and pretend with Hashem, Hashem doesn't need you to be perfect because you can't be perfect, because only me and my wife we're perfect, but you guys you're not going to be perfect, so don't try. But just try and be a little bit better than you are, which shouldn't be so hard. ומהיום הלב שלי איתך, from today I really want to start yearning for spirituality in You. Really my heart, my heart, I've given basically ninety percent of my heart to my football team, Hashem. So I'd like to give eighty-nine percent of my heart to my football team and one percent to You and the other ten percent to Candy Crush. Because my relationship with Candy Crush and Minecraft and Fortnite and Subway Surfers and weed is very important to me because they're all making me a really happy healthy person. That's why I do them, that's why I value them so much, they're giving me everything I want in my life. Effortless temporary superficial pleasure, that's all I need, Hashem. So be real with Hashem. Say, look, Hashem, ninety-nine percent of my heart is on things that aren't helping me at all, but one percent I'm for You, I just please help me make it two percent. And Hashem's like I'll take that one percent and I'll focus on that one percent and I'll just, that's it. And the one percent really becomes a hundred percent for that moment. The moment you make think about that one percent and say I wish this was a hundred percent, for that moment at least it is. That moment. And Hashem says I see that's in you and then all you have to do is expand it, expand it. And that's the whole rest of your life you just find a little spark, your little flame and the rest of your life is you just gotta expand, expand, expand, expand. Like the Piasetzner Rebbe says you have to take your misplaced love, so you love a football player, it's a, or your yirah, you respect you're in awe of football players. He says you could get upset, you could either just carry on or you could get upset with yourself or you could say no you could use that, that it's actually sparked your feeling ahava in you or your feeling yirah, so use that and then direct it, redirect it. So look at a picture of Messi scoring an unbelievable goal and be like whoa he's the greatest footballer ever, but now you've aroused the emotions, now take that emotion which came and then direct it towards Hashem and say so if I get very excited about Messi scoring an amazing goal how about I get very excited that there's an infinite conscious divine creator of the universe who's keeping my heart beating and loves me unconditionally and really is waiting for me to have a relationship with Him? And you're like yeah but that's not as good as Messi's goal's unbelievable. So you're at least you're trying. You've got to be so real. Hashem needs you to be real. Don't pretend that you're a Tzaddik because you're not. ומהיום הלב שלי איתך, and from today I really want to start start putting my lev towards You, my heart, I want to become a little bit more connected to You. Wow we managed to read another one line of our book, we're never going to we'll get through this book in like fifty years. ומהיום הלב שלי איתך הרצון שלי הוא לחיות איתך, and my yearning is to be with You, Hashem. and to be with you. And I know I'm not living up to that fully but it's there. It's there. And the more you just keep saying it, the more you build it. You know what Hashem, I just want to be close to you. And people's trying to say the whole Siddur and say the whole book of Tehillim and how about just saying, Hashem, I just really want to be close to you. Lots of times. Just keep saying that. Hashem, I just really want to feel close to you. I just want to feel אהבה יראה שמחה דבקות. Please that's what I'm yearning for Hashem. And then for the twenty three hours and fifty nine minutes of the day you could be yearning for a new pair of shoes, which is fine, but just for that one moment of Teshuva you're just like I just want Hashem. And then make it two moments and three moments and eventually you'd completely change your psyche and your consciousness and then you're just thinking about Hashem and then it's so invigorating and enlivening because thinking about relationship with Hashem makes you feel full of life whereas thinking about football and clothes and food isn't giving you vitality. It's just not it just doesn't work. Yes. Say I. I. Is that enough? Like what about Yes for now no. No. We said it's if you say I want it but then you're not doing anything, so it's not enough. You can't say my son can't say Abba I want to come home and have this relationship with you and then punch me in the face. So yes, there has to be action but the first is the Ratzon. Everything begins with Ratzon. Everything ever there's a I want to say something and then I say it or I want to do something. Everything you see this book started with a Ratzon in someone's mind. He wanted to make a book. This table started with a Ratzon and then he had a and then he designed it and he had to go and get the wood. That phone everything in life starts you started as a Ratzon in your parents' mind. Whatever it is. So Ratzon is primary but if there's no action to back up then as we said at the beginning we start questioning your Ratzon if you're not doing something about it. Hashem, I really want to come close to you but you just carry on smoking weed and watching Netflix and stealing, Hashem's going to say really? Like do you? Do something. If I keep saying to my wife I really want to buy you a birthday present and I never do, at some point she's going to say do you really want to buy me a birthday present? And I'll be like yeah I really do. She's like well show it then. So there is you can't get away with it but definitely finding that Nekuda within you which is the beginning of everything and flaming up the Ratzon but then the action comes naturally. We said that. Once you really want something then you're naturally you're going to go do it. You will get out of bed for your fifty thousand dollars. I should have faked it all again. No. Oh. It depends what it means. No no I don't know. Firstly I say fake it till you awake it because it's who you really are. But if you're not a kind person then giving lots of Tzedaka that is a form of faking it till you awake it and yes. But you still have to say to Hashem be real with Hashem and say I'm faking it because I want to bring it about. It's called מתוך לא לשמה בא לשמה. I'm doing something not for the right reason but with a Kavana with the intention to do it for the right reason. So never fake it with Hashem. You can do actions that aren't actually where you are yet in order to arouse it. That's nice. But don't try and fake out Hashem. Hashem knows. There's no point trying to fake out Hashem. Reb Levi Yitzchak says a Mashal. I think we said it every class for the last ten years. But there was a king and he wanted to come and see everyone in the village. Came out the palace I'm going to see everyone in the village see what they need, I want to give everyone what they need. And there was a poor man in the village and he's very excited to see the king but he's very embarrassed he had no clothes, he had a broken down house. So he sold his one goat and he got loads of loans and he promised to work for people and he got new clothes and he painted his house and he got a nice meal. So the king went round the village visiting everyone, came to his house and he gave the king a beautiful meal, he had his nice clothes. And the king was leaving and the guy said to the king you know I'm really poor. And the king says no you look like you're doing really well. Behatzlacha raba and he left. So he uses that as a Mashal as a metaphor to say you turn up to Hashem and say you know what I'm cool I'm fine. Hashem says okay you're fine. But if you say look this is me I'd like to be here but I'm not there yet, Hashem says great. In any relationship you got to be authentic in a relationship. This often happens when people start dating and they I always say just be yourself. What how what should I do on my first date? Be yourself. Just be yourself. And people say yeah but what if they don't like me? I'm like then they shouldn't marry you probably. It's so weird. Real relationship takes being authentic. So if you can't be yourself with the person you're dating there's a problem with that relationship. So you got two people being someone they're not to impress someone else and then all of their rabbis are pressuring them to get married after like eight seconds. It's like right, so get married before you find anything you don't like about each other and then they get married and they're sitting in their And then they're sitting in their room and they're like, \"Who are you?\" and you're like, \"I don't know, I hate you, I hate myself, I hate the rabbis,\" and then they all come to me crying like three days after the wedding. It's like, \"Great, yeah, well done. Look what happened.\" This is why it's part of my new book, how to be a healthy baal teshuva. It's a booklet that I need to make it bigger. I started reading it. Chazak, very important. Shabbat! I'm going to get your if your wife decides to teach somewhere you should tell her.