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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 17, the packing list. In my journey of identifying, processing, and healing the pain in my relationship with my father, I kept coming across the same ethereal advice that made it seem so easy to get to my final destination of freedom. People would say, just forgive your dad. Get over your anger, and it's time to move on past your pain. I can remember one time in particular early on in my journey when I was at a men's retreat with about three dozen men of all ages.
Speaker 1:In our small groups, we started talking about the father heart of God and how we see God as father. Of course, this gave me a silver platter to discuss my journey, how my childhood had impacted me, and my view of God the father. After I shared, awkwardness filled the room. No one knew what to say. Finally, an older man who was a successful businessman and highly regarded in his church stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders.
Speaker 1:He looked me in the eyes and said intensely, it's time to get over that. Just stop. I don't wanna hear any more about your father. I stood there motionless, but one thought immediately came to mind. I want to get over it, but I don't know how.
Speaker 1:No restoration story is the same. You can, however, find some common themes in most redemptive father wound stories. My aim in this section is to give you a loose blueprint for action steps to consider as you go about healing the father wound. I don't have all the answers, and I know every journey will be different, but I hope this at least gives you some support as you embark on your own journey. With any big leap, whether it's taking a new job or healing old wounds, there is a philosophical and practical side of things.
Speaker 1:There are motivations and methods to sift through. Here, I want to share a dozen methods or practical steps to consider while embarking on your journey. Number one, admit that you need help. I remember exactly where I was when I admitted to myself that I wanted to change. It was New Year's Eve, my junior year of college.
Speaker 1:I was driving around town by myself going from party to party. I looked up and watched fireworks burst in the sky. What am I doing? I wondered. There has to be more to life than this.
Speaker 1:This was the beginning of the death of the old me and the birth of the new me. It was the beginning of me finding life to the fullest in Jesus Christ. Admitting your weaknesses and asking for help from others is one of the greatest signs of humility, one which the Lord will surely honor. There is power in saying, I don't know where to go from here. Will you help me?
Speaker 1:Someone once said, the Lord is a gentleman. He will rarely enter into someone's life without an invitation first. That night of humbly admitting I needed help was my way of inviting him into my world. My life has never been the same since. Number two, find a mentor.
Speaker 1:I didn't like it when other men gave me advice. That is until an older man started investing in me through a mentoring relationship. A mentor built a relationship with me and had the courage to tell me the areas of my life that I didn't realize were having a negative impact on me. This never would have happened if I hadn't made the effort to find the mentor in the first place. When you submit to the authority of a mentor, God tends to show up in radical ways to honor your humility.
Speaker 1:We've discussed this ad nauseam, but it's that important. I don't care how old you are. Finding an older, mature person who you respect and who will be honest with you can be hard to find. Oddly enough, discovering a good mentor is like dating. Find what you are looking for and ask them to spend time with you.
Speaker 1:I met William at a teacher training one summer day at one of our local high schools. William mentioned how he was a father, a mentor, a coach, and he loved Jesus. He asked good questions, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I emailed asking if he'd meet for breakfast. As our mentoring relationship grew, William and I met every month for the next five years.
Speaker 1:When you find a godly man who is willing to invest into you, pursue them. Make it easy for them to spend time with you. Thank them often and honor their wisdom by doing what they say. They are out there. Sometimes you just have to search high and low, but don't give up.
Speaker 1:If you get rejected, just move on to the next person. Fish in the right waters. Go to places where you are likely to find a good mentor. Bible studies in church small groups are a good place to start. You can also ask your church leadership for recommendations.
Speaker 1:After you get to know them and begin to trust them, ask them to note things that they see in you that you may not see in yourself. Number three, embrace self reflection. Someone once said it's impossible to fix a moving vehicle. Rest, Sabbath, and solitude can help usher you into something that very few people actually enjoy doing, and that's being self reflective. Busyness often stands in the way as does finding the time to do it.
Speaker 1:For many, the enemy lies to you and says rest and solitude are just code names for being lazy. Self reflection can be an extremely useful tool, but it sure is scary at the start. It's like cleaning out your closet. You know it'll be good to do it, but for some reason, you find it impossible to make time for it. For me, few things have helped me more than having a mentor guide me through an honest and objective inventory of myself.
Speaker 1:They ask questions like, have you thought about how your past could be contributing to where you find yourself today? Why do you have a hard time trusting and forgiving people? What action steps are you going to pursue to become your best self? What is holding you back in life? What would a happy and free version of you look like?
Speaker 1:Those questions stirred something in my heart. A major moment of reflection caused me to look inward and honestly assess where I was in life, and I was ready to admit that I didn't like who I was and that I was unhappy. Luckily, I was also in a stage of life where I was mature enough to do something about it. Two things really helped me to self reflect, quiet walks by myself and journaling. These help me search my heart and find the answers to some of the bigger questions in life.
Speaker 1:Number four, embrace feedback. Listening and receiving feedback can be difficult. Trusting that your friends or mentors are right and you are wrong can be even more challenging. Unknowingly, I protected myself from such feedback by never asking my mentors what they thought about events in my life. One mentor called me out on that.
Speaker 1:A counselor by trade, Kyle, asked some of the best questions in town. I love meeting with him, and he gives me a lot to chew on through his wisdom. One day at a breakfast meeting, I was telling Kyle all about my life and what I planned on doing. Kyle just nodded and smiled as I talked. Then he hit me with this question.
Speaker 1:Zach, can I tell you something that I've noticed? Sure, Kyle. Anything, I said as I took a sip of my coffee. Well, we go out to breakfast, and that's all good, but you never ask me what I think of your plans and actions. You just tell me what you're going to do instead of asking for my wisdom.
Speaker 1:And he was right. Checking off the box that I met with a mentor is one thing. Actually, requesting feedback and insight from them is another. It takes humility to receive the truth, but it is the truth that will help you become all that God has for you. If you are looking for a place to start, find someone that you trust, ask them out of coffee, and ask them if they'd be willing to help you by honestly answering a question or two.
Speaker 1:After they say yes, ask, are there any blind spots that you see that I don't? And do you see any yellow or red flags in my life that could keep me from being my best self? Asking those questions takes some serious courage. One thing to keep in mind, when you find a good mentor, he or she is committed to giving you honest feedback and has nothing to gain by lying to you. More times than not, that mentor wants the best for you and is willing to tell you the uncomfortable and hard truth.
Speaker 1:When they give you feedback, listen. Do not argue, justify, or minimize what they have to say. Ask them to help you find ways to grow and heal. They are not out to get you. You can trust them.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes, you'll need to chew on what they say, and a great place to do that is when you spend time with the Lord. Lies from Satan such as you're just fine the way you are, and how do you know that you can really change, create obstacles in the middle of your journey? If this is something you are struggling with, try saying the lie you are wrestling with out loud or writing it down. There is something about doing those two things that exposes life for what they are. You can also tell a friend or your mentor what's on your mind.
Speaker 1:Something as simple as, sometimes I believe blank about myself. What do you think about that? Can allow someone to help destroy the lies with truth. You can always fight against these lies by using the word of God. Knowing who God says you are allows you to stand firm against the lies of Satan.
Speaker 1:Number five, no one is perfect. There is an important piece of advice when it comes to having a mentor. Nobody's perfect. Even your mentor will disappoint you and possibly hurt you. Why?
Speaker 1:Because they're human. One of the most important mentors in my life had an affair and got divorced. Another one, a man who I had grown close to, chewed me out when I made a mistake. You have to learn how to forgive people when they hurt us. We cannot carry offense.
Speaker 1:Proverbs eighteen nineteen says, a brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and carrying a fence lays the foundation of a bitter and hard heart. Mentors may leave you before you're ready, or they may not show up when they said they would. I am confident the Lord gives mentors for a season to achieve an objective. Once their job is done, honor them and focus on all the good they did instead of the fact that they are leaving you. Mentors come and go, but the help and guidance they provide can impact you for a lifetime.
Speaker 1:Focus on the good and let go of the bad. Give them grace and be thankful for what they did instead of focusing on what they didn't do. Number six, accepting the honest truth. I learned early on how to live my life in a state of constantly having to overcome. I figured I was doing a good enough job if I could just make it through one day on a good note.
Speaker 1:What I didn't think about, however, was how others were experiencing me while I was going through my issues. This all came to a head one day when one of my employees told me she found a new job. I asked her why she was leaving, and she gave me a few service level answers. I was dumbfounded as to why she would leave mainly because I thought all was going so well. I called my board chairman, a man who was a seasoned businessman, to vent about the event.
Speaker 1:I started off the conversation by telling him how ridiculous I thought my former employee was being and how she was making a poor decision. That's when my chairman intervened. Zach, can I tell you something? Sure, I said. Well, I can tell you why she left.
Speaker 1:And if I were her, I would do the same thing. I've watched you at the office. You're a big guy, and you walk around with a scowl on your face most of the time. People are intimidated by you when you walk into the room. People have to walk on eggshells because they don't know which Zach they're gonna get.
Speaker 1:I wanna ask you a question, Zach, and I want you to think about this for a while. How do people experience you when you walk into a room? When I took the time to think about it, I had to accept the truth that my presence created an unsafe environment due to my insecurities from my past. Facing issues from the past and confronting the reality that they are negatively impacting you and others around you can be a really hard thing to do. It's not easy to be honest with yourself about where you are and what you feel.
Speaker 1:No one likes to focus on their own shortcomings, but you must start the journey somewhere. Number seven, fly with eagles. I love my high school friends. They stuck by my side during some of the most difficult years of my life. That's why it was so hard when I realized I couldn't hang around them and be the man I wanted to be at the same time.
Speaker 1:I still loved them, called them often, and hung out with them during the daytime, but I knew I couldn't go out with them at night without regret. My mentor Steve Allen says, eagles fly with eagles. This is his way of saying, you are who you hang out with. In my late twenties, I decided to surround myself with people who I wanted to be like and made it a priority to be with them often to help guide me and encourage me. I realized that I couldn't make the change by myself, so I spent as much time as possible with these people.
Speaker 1:They were my support team. Being intentional about who you hang out with is biblical. The Bible tells us to surround ourselves with wisdom, not foolishness. Deciding to stop hanging out with some of my best friends was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but it has been vital in helping me become who I am today. Choose your friends wisely.
Speaker 1:As the saying goes, show me your friends, and I'll show you your future. Number eight, just do it. Like asking out a girl or jumping in the deep end of a swing pool for the first time, there are some things in life that require you to just do it. Nike got it right. Asking for help is one of those things.
Speaker 1:And sometimes you have to ask someone for help as you take new steps forward. There's no magic potion that will help you make the first move. You have to just do it. More times than not, you'll find people are happy to help you out. Believe the best about people.
Speaker 1:Asking for help is hard, and admitting you don't have it altogether is harder, but the Lord is faithful to honor both acts of humility. Ask yourself, how bad do I really want it? Is your desire to improve greater than your desire to look like you have it all together? Have the guts to do whatever you have to do to overcome your obstacles. Number nine, find a church.
Speaker 1:I had no one to go with me to church when I first started attending regularly. It was hard and a little awkward. But it was a game changer. It was through the context of church that the Lord did so much in my heart. Finding a church home laid a foundation for what was to come.
Speaker 1:It is important to find a local home church. Despite all its flaws, church is a place where you and other members can be committed to being known, serving each other, and impacting the world. Find a small group or bible study to help get to know people and to be known by others. Get to know your pastor and allow them to shepherd you. Going to church can be hard, specifically if you have no experience with church or have been hurt by the church.
Speaker 1:The church is full of broken people who will disappoint you, but it is the bride of Christ. No church is perfect, and you can nitpick what you like and don't like all day long. Just because the church is messy, it doesn't mean it's not necessary. So do your homework to find a good fit for you, but the bottom line is you just have to choose one. Commit to it.
Speaker 1:Start going and start investing. Number 10, take sin seriously. Have you ever seen a baby lion cub? It's just about the sweetest thing you've ever seen. They're fun to play with, cute as can be, and fairly harmless.
Speaker 1:But what happens when that lion cub grows to be an adult? It can kill you in a matter of moments. The same can be said with sin. At first, it seems harmless, a few drinks here and a glance at a pretty girl there. But when temptation starts to grow, it can take you out.
Speaker 1:Something powerful happened the day I started taking my sin seriously. I became intentional about avoiding the pitfalls I had previously fallen into. For me, I knew I couldn't confront my drinking problem if I continued going to bars a few times a week. I knew my lust issues wouldn't be resolved if I kept watching risque movies and staying on the Internet late at night, but I was too prideful to admit that I wasn't strong enough in those situations to come out clean on the other side. I had to stop watching certain shows and listening to certain musicians.
Speaker 1:I took apps off my phone and was careful about how late I stayed out on the weekends. Some of my old friends made fun of me and said I was being extreme, but that's okay. The last time I checked, Jesus was pretty extreme about some things too. Number 11, be real. Everything's fine.
Speaker 1:I'm good. That didn't hurt. Ever heard those words come out of a man's mouth? In today's society, it's rare to find a person who is honest about how they are doing. Especially with men, there is a level of weakness in admitting that you're not doing well.
Speaker 1:When you say all is well and nothing is wrong when you're going through a hard time, that's a lie. You are keeping those things hidden in the darkness instead of getting them into the light so the Lord can heal them. It's okay to not be okay. And you are hurting yourself and often those around you by keeping your troubles to yourself. Share your struggles with people you trust.
Speaker 1:Talk about real issues instead of keeping it surface level. Get the darkness out into the light and watch the Lord honor your boldness. Number 12, get filled up. The thing that ranks the highest in healing the father wound is spending daily intentional time with God. To fight this battle well, we must be filled up with the Lord each day.
Speaker 1:His truth combats lies and gives us the armor we need to go out into this world. Each of us need our heavenly father and his power. Every day, let him remind you of who you are and who he is. Busyness is an obstacle that can keep us stuck in our old patterns and prevent us from spending time with the Lord. All of us are busy, and there are a lot of things vying for our time.
Speaker 1:But you make time for what's important to you. Every good relationship requires time, effort, and intentionality to flourish, and your relationship with Jesus is no different. Tell me, which practical step stands out to you the most? Why do you think that one stands out? Is there a step that you find challenging or one that you are avoiding?
Speaker 1:Is there one that you take issue with? Why do you think that is? Are there other practical methods for finding wholeness that you would add to this list? What does that look like?