Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy your way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for spending some time here with me today. Now, there are two words that many people say every day without really thinking about them. I know I've said 'em, and those two words are, I'm fine.
Someone asks how you're doing. I'm fine. Someone notices you seem a little quiet. No, no, no. I'm fine. Someone asks if something is bothering you. I'm fine. For many people, those words are not a lie. [00:01:00] Exactly, but they're not really the full truth either. Uh, because I'm fine often becomes a way of ending the conversation before anything deeper has to be explained.
And for people who are used to caring a lot internally, those two words can actually become kind of, um, a silent protector, right? It's a way to keep things moving on a way to avoid burdening anyone else, a way to keep emotions contained. And so today I just wanna talk about what happens when I'm fine, slowly becomes a survival strategy.
Most people can probably remember a time when they said, I'm fine, even though they weren't. Maybe you were having a difficult day, but you didn't feel like explaining it. Maybe you were overwhelmed, but the person asking didn't seem like they really had space to hear the real answer. Or maybe you had feelings, you didn't fully understand yourself yet, so you gave the easiest response available.
I'm fine. And for many people, that phrase becomes. It's kind of emotional shorthand. It allows conversations to stay simple. It prevents uncomfortable questions, it keeps things efficient, and sometimes it's actually completely appropriate because sometimes you really are fine. Not every moment requires deep emotional processing, but for some people, I'm fine, becomes more than just a convenient response.
[00:02:00] It becomes a habit, a default answer, a way of keeping their internal world hidden. And many people learn early in life that expressing certain emotions can create problems. You know, maybe sadness made others uncomfortable, or maybe anger led to conflict, or maybe vulnerability was dismissed or minimized.
So over time, the nervous system learns something important. Some emotions are easier kept private. So instead of explaining what's actually happening internally, people simply simplify their responses. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm fine. Things are fine. Right? Those phrases become a way of maintaining stability.
Uh, they prevent conversations before be from becoming complicated. They prevent emotions from being visible and for people who value being strong and capable and dependable, saying I'm fine, can feel like. It's a responsible thing to do, but when that res response becomes automatic, it can also create a, a sense of distance, because if people only hear that you're fine.
They never actually have the opportunity to hear other parts of what's going on for you. They never actually [00:03:00] get to see. A slightly unmasked version of you. And that's where the deeper challenge, I think, starts to appear. Because when someone regularly responds with, I'm fine, they begin actually losing touch with their own emotional experience.
Now I, it's not intentional, but it happens over time. It happens gradually. Instead of pausing to notice what you're feeling, you kind of start to move quickly past it because you. I've gotten so used to saying, I'm fine. You know, you're staying focused on your responsibility. You're staying focused on what you need to get done, you're staying composed.
And while that composure can be useful in a lot of situations, it actually can keep you from processing what you're actually feeling and what you actually need. And those feelings don't disappear. They just kind of. Gets depressed, you know, we learn to move past them. They tend to stay in the background somewhere over here, and then they sometimes show up as tension in the body.
Sometimes they show up as irritability. Sometimes they show up as exhaustion. Sometimes they show up as quiet sense of disconnection. Um, you might notice yourself pulling back from people. And over time, people who are used to saying, [00:04:00] I'm fine, begin to feel something else, they actually start to feel unseen, not because, um.
You know, not because it's intentional, but because if the world only hears it, you're fine. People in your world never actually learn what you're really experiencing, right? They don't actually get to hear what's actually going on in your life. And I hear this often with my clients because when they start reflecting, um, to me they'll say things like, you know, I'm used to being the one that has it all together.
Um, or I don't really like talking about what I'm feeling. I don't really talk, like talking about my problems. I don't wanna bother anyone. They've got their own stuff going on, and there's those statements. They come from a place of care. It's that idea of I don't wanna be a burden. You know, many people genuinely, genuinely want to make life easier for the people around them, right?
They, they actually really want to be strong. They wanna be the dependable one. They want relationships. Um. That, you know, they're, they don't feel like the other person in the relationship is [00:05:00] overextending themselves, but real relationships are built on that mutuality, right? They're built on that honesty.
And so when someone always answers with, I'm fine, the other person never really gets the opportunity to respond to what's actually happening, which means. The person carrying all the emotions continues carrying them alone, and they don't actually get to receive the support from the other person. Now, from a psychological perspective, emotional suppression is very common coping strategy.
When people believe that expressing emotions will create discomfort or conflict, they often learn to contain, um, contain and suppress those emotions because they, um, they want to appear calm and composed, right. They want to appear like they have it all together. And again, they don't wanna burden the other person.
But that suppression requires a lot of energy. It takes effort to continually push those feelings down or aside, and maintain this steady exterior. And over time that. That effort, that energy expense can contribute to emotional fatigue, and it can also make it harder for people to [00:06:00] identify what they're actually truly feeling.
I know I've had this conversation with my clients routinely, where we actually have to go back through and relearn how to name feelings because when emotions are consistently pushed aside, they actually become harder to access. They actually become harder to name. Uh, and that's why people who are so used to saying, I'm fine, struggle to answer that deeper question of.
How are you really doing? Not because they're hiding something, but because they become so practiced at moving past their feelings that they don't even know what they're feeling. So if this pattern feels familiar, here are a couple things that you could maybe ask yourself. When someone asks you how you're doing, how often do you pause before answering?
You know, do you tend to give the quickest response available, or do you take a moment to actually notice what's going on for you? Um, are there people in your life right now who know that you, maybe you aren't? Fine. I mean, granted, if you're fine, amazing, that's great, but if you're not, are there people in your life who don't know that you're not fine?
Right. Um. Or are or have you become so practiced at appearing composed that the most, that most people assume that everything is always [00:07:00] okay. And perhaps the most important thing you could ask yourself is, do you allow yourself space to feel what you're feeling, um, before moving on to the next responsibility?
And that's a really important question. You know, not only are you telling other people you're fine, how often are you just saying that to yourself? Like, I'm fine. It's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Lord N I've done that myself. And so no shame here. No judgment. It's just noticing that that might be a pattern for you.
And then it's, what do I wanna do about this? Because if you recognize this pattern, you know you can shift it, you know, first you can slow down when someone asks how you're doing, instead of responding automatically. Take a moment to actually check in with yourself and decide. How, what type of answer you wanna give.
You know, do I wanna keep it simple? Do I wanna share a little bit more? Because the pause is actually more for yourself. It's letting you connect with your own emotional, um, experience. The second shift is allowing slightly more honesty and the relationships that you feel safe in, right? So if you do feel safe with somebody, instead of saying, I'm fine, you may say something like, well, you know, honestly, it's been a really long [00:08:00] day, or.
You know, today I'm actually feeling a little bit drained or I'm exhausted, or it's been, it's been overwhelming, right? The small moments of honesty can open that door to a deeper connection. And then another final shift could be remembering that sharing emotions isn't a burden, right? If somebody is asking you how you're doing in a healthy relationship, they actually want to hear how you're doing.
Um, and if somebody is just asking it to like check a box, you know, maybe it's less about. Um, being a burden to them and more about checking in and asking what type of relationship is that? Because if you spent years responding with, I'm fine. I'm just gonna say it's generally, um, it, it is developed for a reason, right?
It, it may have been a pla a way to navigate environments where in vulnerability felt risky. Um, but as your relationship's grown and evolve, it's important to recognize that you can, you can actually shift your responses. You're allowed to have emotions in, you're allowed to. Create some visibility around them.
You're allowed to share when something feels [00:09:00] difficult and you're allowed to be supported by the people who care about you because strength does not mean that you have to walk through and carry all of it your own, on your own. You know, we talk about resiliency. Yes, it's bouncing back from challenging times, but it's also about can I, can I allow for people to support me and can I allow myself to be honest with those feelings?
You know, I'm fine is one of the most common phrases that I hear. Um, and it's sometimes again. I'll say like sometimes it actually does reflect the truth. I mean, I know that I say it sometimes and I really actually mean it. I'm fine. But then there are other times where I say I'm fine because it just feels easier than actually communicating what's going on for me.
And so I do say, you know, sometimes it's important to pay attention to when you're using it more as a shield, um, a way to keep deeper things hidden. Um, are you using it as a protection mechanism? And again, I'm not saying you have to share. You're, uh, everything that's going on with you, with every single person in your world who asks you how you're doing it, this is an encouragement to share it with people who are your safe people with [00:10:00] your people.
And you don't have to share everything all at once. Uh, but gradually, because relationships do deepen when we allow people to actually see us, not just the masked version of us. So yeah, when you're fine, say you're fine, but if you're not, maybe it's about. Encouraging yourself to share what's actually going on for you.
Now. If you'd like to chat with me about how coaching could support you with this or anything else that you've got going on in your life, whether it's professionally or personally, feel free to book a time with me anytime at coachwithkamini.com, and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you [00:11:00] for listening!