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Freedom from People Pleasing
[00:00:00] In today's episode, I'm going to share strategies for helping you to stop people pleasing. That's all coming up next, right here on the teacher burnout podcast. Stay tuned.
Welcome to the Teacher Burnout Podcast, where we explore the challenges of burnout for teachers and share practical strategies to support teacher well being. I'm your host, Barb Flowers. If you're a teacher looking for ways to prevent burnout or an educational leader searching for strategies to support your team, this podcast is for you.
Let's dive in.
Welcome back to the podcast today. I want to talk about people pleasing what it is, why we do it and strategies to help you stop people pleasing. Let's start by talking about what people pleasing is. So it's when someone does things to make others happy, people pleasers do things out of obligation because they want to be liked.
Not because it's something that they want to do or necessarily enjoy doing it. [00:01:00] But they're so worried about judgment from others. They're afraid to say no. Also people pleasers make decisions based on what other people want instead of what they want for themselves. And what this can look like in teaching is doing whatever your team does, even if you don't agree, because you don't want to make people mad or have tough conversations. It's not being honest with parents about their child, because you don't want to offend them. It could be used signing up to help with every committee or after-school event, even if you don't have the time to help.
And you already have too much on your plate. You do these things because you don't want to make people mad and you don't want to say no. I really quick want to talk about the difference between kindness and people pleasing because. A lot of times when I have been a people pleaser. And when I've talked to other people, pleasers. They do things because they feel like they're being kind, however. Just remember that kindness is acting out of a genuine desire to [00:02:00] want to help others where people pleasing is doing things because you feel obligated. Because you believe other people think that you should do it.
You're worried about what somebody will say if you're not there. So those are two different things. We're going to talk a little bit more about that, but I just wanted to help you remember that. Being kind as okay. Doing things for others to be kind is a great thing, but you want to do it out of a genuine desire to help not out of obligation or what you think you should do.
The problem with people pleasing. Is that people pleasers typically have a low opinion of themselves. And you might not even realize that if you are a people pleaser, but you're so worried about what everybody else is thinking.
Because you worry about what everybody else is thinking. You put their worth above your own. Your self-worth is based on what others think and getting them to like you, it's not based on what you think of yourself. And people pleasers, their choices are based on what other people want.
And it's hard to even know what you [00:03:00] truly want. Or how you see yourself because you're so focused on what everybody else wants for you. I think about this, especially if you, as a child can remember, even into adulthood, people pleasing your parents. You know, we think of people who. Take jobs that they don't want to do or do things in life or pick their whole career path, because there are people pleasing their parents, they're doing what they think they should do instead of what they want to do. So that's what people pleasing is.
It really is. Doing everything for others. It's not having this authentic view of yourself because you're so wrapped up in what others think of you and what others think you should be doing.
When you are a people pleaser.
It's hard to really know what you want and what you want to achieve in life.
If you identify as a people pleaser, I just know that you can decide right now that you're no longer going to be someone who focuses on what other people think. And you're [00:04:00] no longer going to put other people's opinions of you first.
You get to decide to stop being a people pleaser. So now we are going to talk about strategies for stopping people pleasing. So strategy number one is becoming aware that you are a people pleaser. I remember. I have always been a people pleaser. It was part of my personality growing up. And it is something that I have had to really work on in the last few years as a principal. I didn't know I was a people pleaser at first.
Somebody told me that, and I started listening to what people pleasers are. And I was like, wow, maybe that is me. But I didn't realize that I was doing things for others or I was doing things out of obligation. I knew I didn't want to do the things I was doing, but I always felt like I should be doing things.
I did things all the time because I should be. So the first step is to really be aware that you're a people pleaser and get to the bottom. Of why you people please, why do you want to please everybody? Is it for everyone? Is it for certain groups of people? You [00:05:00] know, for me, I grew up, I was a people pleaser.
So for the longest time, it was always about pleasing my parents. I wanted to make sure that I was always making decisions that would make them happy, not based on what I necessarily wanted, which you know, I will say is hard when you're younger, because you don't always know what you want. And so if you're a people pleaser, you just do what you think you should do. The idea of just pleasing my parents all the time, and then I went into teaching.
And I noticed I carried people pleasing in with me because when I communicated, I didn't want to upset parents. That was a really hard thing for me. And I think it is for most teachers in general. I put a lot of pressure on myself because I did not want to disappoint the parents.
I wanted them to think I was the best teacher I wanted. Them to think that I did an amazing job with their child. A lot of the things I did, I wanted what was good for students, but some of it was that people pleasing tendency that I actually wanted everybody to just think I was an amazing teacher, you know, where I got to a point [00:06:00] later in my career where that didn't matter so much, I just focused on my students.
But at first I was really focused on what people's opinions. We're of me as a teacher.
That makes a huge difference on where you're coming from as a teacher, because you want the decisions you make to be genuine and for what is best for students and not what's best for parents to like you. So that they tell everybody what a great teacher you are. So you have to be careful when you're a people pleaser. And then also again, I talked about this a little bit, but just understand that when you're a people pleaser, you're not being your true self.
And what I realized is when I was doing things out of obligation, I felt a resentment when I did those things. For example, if I was staying after school to help with. An event. And I just did it because I felt like I should do it. I had a resentment about being there.
I would think about what other teachers were in there and why was I there? And, you know, started to compare myself. And I had to realize that. [00:07:00] I didn't need to stay after then, if I was going to do it out of a place of resentment, then I shouldn't have stayed after because I should be doing it because I want to do it, or I want to be kind, or I just know, I want to see my students out of a place of knowing.
It's a good thing instead of I should I think about this when it comes to volunteering too, I try to do some volunteering. And when I volunteer and I go into it with a place of, I should be doing this. That's when I know I need to stop because if I feel obligated in a resentment towards volunteering, Then there's no point of me being there because it's not serving anybody.
I just feel resentment towards me being there. And I'm not doing it out of a true place of wanting to make a difference and help. Be aware of where you're coming from and what stance you're taking when you're agreeing to do things that you don't want to where's this people pleasing coming from.
When did it start? Who do you notice that you people please around and really get to the bottom of it?
Also dig deeper into the reasons behind your people, [00:08:00] pleasing behavior. So think about, is it fear of conflict? Does it come from rejection that you're afraid someone won't like you? Is it a deep seated need?
Just to feel that approval, you know, understanding the motivation for people pleasing is really going to help you figure out where it comes from. And then understanding the impact that it has on you and how you are living, whether it's your authentic or inauthentic self, you know, do, does it affect your relationships? Does it affect your self esteem? How is people pleasing, affecting your life?
My second strategy is to practice saying no.
Start small if saying no is hard. Just start with the smallest things you can think of begin in low stakes situations that don't bring you much anxiety or worry about you saying no. So for example, if somebody asks you to stay late at work for a meeting and you already have plans, maybe your normal response would be to say, sure, I'll be there and you cancel your plans, but I want you to instead resist that [00:09:00] idea of people pleasing and say, no, say you can't attend the meeting. Or if your team wants to do something that you don't want to do, and you always just go along with everything.
I want you to stand up for yourself, step up and say, no, I don't want to do that and have a conversation about it. So practice. Just in those small scenarios saying no. Another thing you can do is practicing. No. Not only in situations, but out loud in your car as you're driving or at home, you could just practice what it would look like and how it would sound to tell someone no. So you can say things like I can't commit to that.
You don't need to explain. You don't need to give reasons you can just say I can't or I won't. I don't have time for that. You can say, I need to focus on personal obligations without giving any explanation. I think the other thing that people pleasers do and why they have a hard time saying no, is they feel like when they say no, they need to give a big explanation.
I know I was like that. Like, if [00:10:00] I'm going to say no, what am I going to say? I'm doing instead. You don't have to say you're doing anything. You can just say, Nope, I don't have time for that. No, I'm not available. Also, you want to make sure that you evaluate where you've come from. So really, as you say, no, Become aware that you just said no.
And celebrate that. You know, every time you say no to something or you decline what somebody else is wanting you to do, I want you to think about how did that feel? How was it received by the other person? Did it affect your relationship with them? Or were they like, oh, okay, that's fine. We'll get somebody else.
How did that build your confidence? And then start thinking about how you can set boundaries. So really be aware of how that felt to say no.
The third strategy is to take time deciding who you want to be and what you want. I do an activity with my clients called your 1.0 self and your 2.0 self. And what we do. Is we list out all of the traits about ourselves right now [00:11:00] as our 1.0 self.
Then we list out who we want to become because we get to decide who we become. And so we list out those traits of our 2.0 self. So if we're a people pleaser, my 1.0 self is a people pleaser. My 2.0 self does things that I want to do. And as you're doing that and really deciding who you want to be and what you want your identity to look like. That's when you can think about what do you really want?
What are things that you have done in the past that you just did? Because you were trying to please others. Is it your job as a teacher? Is it the school that you work in? Is it the grade level you're in. I can remember as a new teacher, I got hired teaching first grade. I loved it. I love my team, but when a position came open for third grade, I decided to move.
And that was a huge deal in my school because people couldn't believe I would leave my teammate, who I love and I'm still friends with, but it was what was best for me. I knew that I wanted to go to third grade. I knew I was better with [00:12:00] older elementary kids or a at least wanted to try and see if that was true. And so making that decision for me was really important, but it would have been easy for me to just say no, I'm not sure if that's a good thing and stay in the same grade level.
I just want you to think about what do you want in life? What do you want your work life to look like? What do you want your personal life to look like? If you've never taken the time to really think about it? Now's the time to do that. That's what we do in coaching. So if you ever want help, deciding what that would look like or what you really want. Reach out to me and we can do a free consultation because that's the exciting thing. Is that you get to decide what your life looks like, and if you've never thought about it before, and you've been letting people decide for you. I really encourage you to just take time and reflect on what those areas are that you've let other people decide. And decide what you want. And then once you decide what you want, what goals you have in life, I want you to think about what's getting in your way from accomplishing those goals. What are things that you do out [00:13:00] of obligation? Instead of really wanting to do it.
Are there committees at school that maybe you don't want to be part of?
You know, maybe you're on the PBAs committee, but you're really not passionate about PBS or you're on the spirit committee and you don't feel like you're good at creating activities for the staff, whatever it is, or you feel like you don't have the time pick what you can be part of. I always like to tell teachers from the view of a principal, I will always ask. Teachers to be on committees. And I just need an honest answer when I ask, because I don't know what your life's like outside of school, you know, I might know that you have kids, but I don't know what that looks like.
Like you might not have any time to help. And so you just need to be clear. I always like to say your principal is not a mind reader. So even if you feel like you can't say no, that's probably not true. They just don't know what you have going on outside of school, because I always want to ask people because there's some people I don't ask.
And then I find out they really wanted to be part of the committee. I can't read people's mind. I'm always going to [00:14:00] ask people to join. And if you can't, you just need to be honest and say no.
I'm also thinking about, is there anything that you've wanted to do as a teacher and maybe you've been afraid to take the leap? You know, for me as a teacher, I decided to go into administration. I became a department head early on. You could decide to switch grade levels. Like I said earlier. You could maybe go to a different school or move into a different role.
Maybe you really want to be an instructional coach. Whatever that is just decide what you love doing. And if you want to make a change, I really encourage you to make that change because you can do. Whatever you set your mind to, and really create goals you can achieve.
You have to realize that if you're a people pleaser, you need to make your own conscious choices and actively choose who you want to be.
And really think about what you need to do to change where you are now.
And then my last strategy is to learn to prioritize yourself. So when you finally figure out who you are and who you want to be, and what you're going to do with your life, you need to find ways to [00:15:00] prioritize that. Whether it's going back to school or you want to prioritize your self care? Maybe you decide that you want to start exercising or meeting up with friends one night, a week for happy hour. You need to be okay with setting boundaries that work for you and your schedule and making sure that you do those things that you want to do and prioritize yourself.
I know a lot of people who are moms. Who everything is about kids and sports. And I get that we as parents need to take care of our kids and we need to run them around to sports, but I really encourage you to find ways that you can prioritize yourself. However that looks in your family and in your life. And then seek supportive relationships.
So surround yourself with people who respect you. They respect your boundaries. And they encourage you to be your authentic self. They encourage you to do things you want to do. Try things that you love. And accountability partner can be a friend. It can be a colleague, it could be a family member, someone who's going to help you stay committed to your self care practices and your own [00:16:00] personal goals.
So having people around you who's cheering you on and supporting you. Is really going to help you find out who your authentic self is, and then help support that. And they're going to help you have time for you, and they're going to hold you accountable to that.
And then again, I just want to reiterate, you have to set boundaries for yourself. You have to set and communicate boundaries. That protect your time and your energy. Nobody else knows what you need. So you need to be clear about what that is. And it could be as simple as saying no to even group texts after work. You know, I have a friend she's really good at setting boundaries and if she gets group texts after work, she doesn't even have her phone by her.
So she just doesn't respond. And I think having those boundaries can be really helpful. Or choose not to attend certain things after school. Whatever it is. Just take the time to set boundaries that work for you so you can focus on prioritizing yourself and the things that you want in life. So just to review our four strategies. For [00:17:00] stopping people pleasing is to become aware of that.
You are a people pleaser. Practicing, no. Take the time to decide who you want to be and learn to prioritize yourself. And if you struggle with this and you want. An accountability partner. One-on-one coaching is an amazing way to help with people pleasing.
I've hired my own coach and . She has helped me work through people pleasing and it's been amazing. So if you want help, figuring out how to stop people, pleasing walking through these steps, going into more detail, I would love the opportunity to work with you. So if you'd like to work with me, reach out to me on Instagram at Bart flowers, coaching or at Barb at Barb flowers, coaching.com.
Thank you so much for joining me today for another episode of the teacher burnout podcast. . And if you like the show, share this episode with a friend. If you have a friend who is a people pleaser, whether they know it or not, this is a good episode for them to listen to.
So share this with a friend and
keep in mind, you have the power to shape your life. According to the mindset you choose. I hope you have a great week.
I'll see you back here next time.