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Pastor Doug gets salty today as he helps define what men truly desire in life based on the Bible and not what the culture says.
Just like Matthew 5:13 says, Christians are the salt of the earth so join us as we find our saltiness on our journey through life together. Listen as Dr. Douglas Peake dives deep into the topics of his sermons each week, breaking down content, discussing evidence, telling stories and speaking into current events using biblical truths and principals.
[00:00:00] Our society denigrates the relationships of men, you see.
Simplify them into neanderthals basically.
Yeah. Your a neanderthal. But in reality, men are relational by nature because you're created in the image of God.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Salty Pastor Podcast here on this podcast. Our goal for you is strength. When you know what you believe in, why you believe it, you grow strong. This is why we can't tell you what to believe. We can only inspire, facilitate, coach you along the journey of discovering your inner convictions.
You're here to learn. How to think critically for yourself and grow your faith and grow strong. My name is Jesse Maher. I am your host and we can not do the Salty Pastor Podcast without the Salty Pastor himself. Dr. Douglas Peake.
Welcome everyone. It's good to be here. We're in this great series on relationships or studying Ephesians chapter [00:01:00] four and kind of applying it to all of these, uh,
different areas. So it's good to be here today and go today. We're going to talk about men and relationships. Men. Men and relationships. It's all about those guys.
But it should be noted that the women should not tune out on this podcast just because we're talking about men.
All's I know is that went from the majority of women that I know their favorite subject is talking about the
men in their lives. They're trying to understand them. They're trying to understand them. And so you might glean something today.
Well, we are in our series on relationships. Uh, we're relational beings because we are created in the image of God. And however, this stain or this taint, that creates conflict in our relationships, it adds conflict that if left unresolved, then our relationships suffer.
Yes. When which in turn, I mean, it means we suffer because the image of God within us [00:02:00] compels us towards relationships. So we're, we're living in this contradiction of wanting to be in a relationship, but the conflict is causing us to pull apart in our relationships, but we want to be in relationships and it's just maddening.
It creates conflict. Yes, it does.
So what is the next step in having healthier, better Storybook Ending relationships in our life?
Particularly for guys. It's all about you guys. And I, I think first of all, we have to just lay the, the underlying assumption here of that. Men are struggling, I think, to figure this out more than ever
before. Because our society has changed dramatically. And at every corner, our society is attempting to tell men, what to believe, what to think, how to act or how to behave. Our society blames men, for all of the problems that are happening in our society. If there's this underlying premise. And that is as if, well, if guys [00:03:00] just did what we said, then we wouldn't have all these problems, which I think is ridiculous.
Our society believes that masculinity is toxic. And it's amazing to me, how many young people that I've worked with over and over and over again. That when I encourage them, some were staff members, some were young adults, young men in college. When I was saying, look, you need to take responsibility for yourself.
You need to step up. You need to try to become a man. What is it to be a man that this toxic masculinity thing was just, really an a, an oppressive thing in their life. I was just shocked at how well our society has convinced men that they, uh, are toxic simply because they're masculine. And so that's a shock to me.
Uh, and what's happened is because our society has been doing this. The impact has been dramatic [00:04:00] on the relationships in the lives of men. And this is really interesting. I was listening to a comedian. Uh, who's also a Christian speaker and he's doing this conference on, uh, marriage, you know, relationships.
And it says, so if you really want to make a woman happy, it says, he goes, you know, what you need to do is you need to listen to her and you need to care about her, sensitive to her. You need to be able to, uh, change, uh, when she's ready to change, you need to make her feel like a queen, the center of your universe.
You need to be conversational and be able to share your feelings with her. You also need to be able to support her and protect her and make her feel secure. You also need to be able to compliment her. You need to be able to do this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. And he goes in order to make a man happy, you just need to bring food and show up naked.
That was the joke. And I was like, Okay. I know that's funny because it's a character, but the thing is, is that [00:05:00] that's actually not true, at all right. Men are, are highly relational by nature. And you see this in movies. You see this in books, you see this in history, you see this in sports, you see this, but our society denigrates the relationships of men.
Can you say simplify them into neanderthals.
And yeah, your a neanderthal. But in reality, men are relational by nature because you're created in the image of God. And the most important relationships in your lives are what make your life worth living meaningful and purposeful. Now, due to the fact that our society sees our relationships as power struggles, and this is the result of the, uh, well, it's, it's Marxist ideology in and of itself, and it's crept over into the social sciences.
And so once the sexual revolution happened, uh, we can dig into this more later, maybe on Thursday, what's. All [00:06:00] relationships, even sexual relationships, intimate relationships between men and women are all about power, see? And so because our society has done that and they see all relationships as power struggles.
The goal is to convince men that they are not relational, and if they can do that, then men have no power because they are confused. Now this, of course, in my opinion is idiocy. Therefore, I think it's very important. If you're a man, it is so important to understand your relationships in your lives, their influence on you and how to inf, effectively invest in those
relationships. Because when you do that, you will be a strong man. You will grow from a man to a boy, to a man and you will be powerful. You will be courageous and you will be confident. And Paul actually tells Timothy. A young man that he was mentoring from boyhood into [00:07:00] manhood. Developing into a leader. And in this first letter to him, verse five, he says, look, the goal of my instruction, the goal of all of our instruction is love, which comes from a pure heart, a good conscience and a sincere or strong faith.
So the goal. For Paul to Timothy is to have strength, a pure heart, a good conscience, meaning straight mental focus, knowing why you're doing what you're doing, strengthened faith, which has convictions and direction and meaning and purpose in all of these things. Now what's interesting because of the way the world
is today. The inner conflict that most men are experiencing today that influences all their relationships around them is an inner conflict that is unresolved. And it, it comes out in this question, for every boy must answer this question for himself, what does it mean to be a man? And if this conflict is unresolved, if [00:08:00] this question is never answered, then a boy will never become a man or that man as an adult will never be at peace with himself.
Very important stuff to talk about.
So last week in our Bible study, we focused on Ephesians chapter four. Um, and in your message on Sunday, you, you encapsulated basically seven practical steps to resolving conflict, right? Um, how do these practical steps relate to men specifically?
Well, if we go through them one at a time and we studied them.
I believe that they are, how boys become men and you see the steps that he lays out as part of a developmental or a maturation process for men. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually and intellectually. [00:09:00] And it can really be a powerful steps for any guy that says, you know, I'm tired of feeling like a ping pong ball being bounced around in this thing called life.
You know, it's time for me to be the paddle. And so these steps I think, are really important because they influence your relationships. And once you get this inner conflict resolve with yourself, which is a relationship with yourself, and you get your relationship with God resolved, all right, which is Jesus Christ, then all your other relationships based on these practical steps.
We'll have a dramatic difference in your life.
Well, and you're saying this is not necessarily, you have to be physically a boy of age 12. This is you intellectually, spiritually, mentally, be a boy at age 50, right?
Yeah, exactly. You know, and I, I knew a lot of women who say there's a lot of, uh, boys walking around in men's bodies.
And I, I believe that that is true. But it's [00:10:00] not that I want to fault those men directly because of that. It's because they've never heard the truth that allows them to grow from boyhood to men.
Absolutely. Well, let's dig into these steps that you talked about. The first one was found in Ephesians 4: 25. And you had said that it says, um, basically the step is lay aside, falsehoods verse 25 says therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor for we are all members of one body.
Yeah. So this is really important for your first step in growing from a boy to a man and understanding how powerful and important relationships are. And that is you have to resolve this relationship with yourself. Okay. Now the meaning of the text is clear. We must lay aside the falsehood within our own selves.
Boys are unable to do this, but if you want to become a man, then you must learn how to do this and do it well. Here's what I mean by that. Uh, all the virtues that have [00:11:00] inspired men for thousands, and I mean, literally thousands of years. So it's an empowerful reflection of masculinity in all of its intent of what's meant to be. Things like courage,
we've honored courage and among men for thousands of years, honor, you know, integrity, loyalty, honesty, discipline, responsibility. These are the things of men, and this is the world of real men. However, there are falsehoods that men tell themselves, and these falsehoods come from the society in which you live, and then you might adopt them.
So if you want to have strong relationships because, you know, man, my most important relationships are going to have a huge influence. On me and my life. Right. Huge influence. And so I want them to be strong. So I have to resolve this with myself first and to do that, to have good relationships with others, I have to have a good relationship with [00:12:00] myself and to do that, I got to get dispensed with the falsehoods.
Okay. Well, here are some, some falsehoods men tell themselves, and they undermine or are toxic to these virtues. And the first one is this. I don't need anyone. Men tell themselves this false hood a lot. You see it all the time among young boys. So, uh, what have you ever noticed when a boy has a falling out with friends?
Right? And they get in a little squabble on the playground and they're 8, 9, 10 years old. They come home, you know, and they slam the door. So mom already knows something's going on. You know, they had a tiff and goes over there and says, what's going on? And the boy will say, well, you know, well, Johnny did this and dah, dah, dah.
And he always will conclude. He says, I don't need any friends. He always says, I don't need any friends. And then they get older, a guy that goes out with a girl, and then she says, you're not the one. I just want to be friends. He goes, well, I don't need that girl. I don't need a girlfriend. No, I don't need that. And what's really interesting is what a guy will do in his falsehood is say, I don't [00:13:00] need anybody.
And what he does is he takes an individual, a girl that he was dating, and then he will put her in the category of women. And then he'll say, I don't need the category. Just like the little boy will take Johnny who heard him or, you know, dissed him, he will put him in the category of friends and say, I don't need friends.
So this is a little mental thing that boys do and they carry it into adulthood. You know, I don't need that job or I don't need a job. I don't need corporate America. I don't need this. I don't need, I don't need, I don't need, I don't need, I don't know. Well, the thing is this is that you do. Okay. You do, you need people because your soul is designed for relationships.
And so if you want to walk in the fullness of what it means to be a really great man, a masculine man, live out those virtues in your life, have great relationships that influence you in a more positive way. Guess what? You must put aside that falsehood. Okay. [00:14:00] Now you don't need everybody and, you know, need just any old anybody, but you do need people.
Okay. And you do need these things. Another falsehood that men tell us, uh, ourselves is this is that I'm driven more sexually than relationally. So I was reading a theologian. He was talking about the influence of, uh, sexuality on a man's soul. And he lived in the 19th century, and he was riding and he made this comment that has always stuck with me.
And it kind of goes like this because the man knocking on the door of the church, and the man knocking on the door of a brothel, have a lot more in common than you could ever imagine. And so what he was getting at was something about the masculine nature or the masculine heart. And that is, is that the masculine heart above all else is relational.
It's not violent. It's not aggressive. It's relational. Now. It is driven to be intimate. It's driven to be engaged. It's driven to be connected. That's it? The [00:15:00] soul of every masculine hearted man. And so the primary way though, in which a man experiences, a spiritual connection is through sex. Okay. So this is why pornography is predominantly a male issue.
The male soul longs for intimacy. Right. But men have been convinced that having sex is the quickest way to get to intimacy. Right. And, uh, just like men, like fast food, just like men, don't like waiting in a restaurant to go eat. You know, they like efficiency that they like it. Get it done now, make it happen in the same way.
My soul longs for intimacy. But sexuality is a quickest way to get to it. So that's what I'm going to do is I'm going to, I'm going to buy into this false hood that I'm sexually driven more than I am relationally. Uh, it comes out in this way. I can build my identity on who I'm sexually attracted to. No, you can't because intimacy is the key.
[00:16:00] That's what your soul really longs for in sexuality is simply one of the paths by which you experience it. Another falsehood that men tell themselves, this is really a big one that a lot of guys don't realize or recognize. And it's this notion, since I am not enough, or I don't measure up, I don't belong.
Men avoid all situations where they feel like they don't belong. Right. And the reason why they don't belong is because they don't measure up. Now, what's interesting about this is that here's a perfect example of a falsehood based on half truth. And that is here's the truth of what Jesus says. Uh, well, You are correct.
You don't measure up and you never will, but this is exactly why Jesus came for you. And personally died on the cross for you. And that is to make you belong. It's an act of grace out of God's incredible love for you. So he [00:17:00] chose you to belong even before you felt like you don't belong. So the way that you overcome this faucet, as you said, you admit to yourself the truth, you lay aside the fossil you're right.
I don't, I don't measure up, but Christ makes me measure up. I don't belong, but Christ has made me belong. And that right there is so freeing for men. And it brings such a competence. Cause you're not trying to, you don't have to be a poser. You don't have to be something you're not, you don't have to always be hyper competitive top dog, alpha male all the time.
You just don't have to. You just have to say I'm here, I'm supposed to be, because Christ goes before me. So that's, these are the false that we must lay aside. If men want to resolve the relationship with himself in order to have great relationships with those around them.
So, if we move on to our second step that you had laid out on Sunday, uh, that one's found any fusions, 4: 26, and it says in your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry, do not give the devil a foothold.
[00:18:00] So where does that apply in a man's life and relationships?
I think if you don't resolve the falsehoods and you don't resolve. That conflict within yourself, right? You don't have peace with yourself, then you're going to be an angry man. You're going to be an angry man. And as I remember, anger is the primarily associated, uh, anger is primarily a secondary emotion.
So it's always associated with an initial emotion. Right. And if a man feels like he doesn't measure up or he feels like, um, uh, I'm not having any sexual intimacy in my life. What he's really saying, I'm not intimate with anybody on a soul or spiritual level, if he feels like, you know, uh, any of these things like, uh, uh, along these false lines, like I don't need anybody.
Then what happens is he becomes an angry man. His secondary response will be angry. Uh, so when you say these things, I don't measure. [00:19:00] I lack intimacy. I don't, uh, belong anywhere. I don't need people. Then these lack of good friends, the lack of a good loving woman in your life. The lack of an intimate connection with your own purpose in life. Is going to make you an angry man.
And what that does is that creates a foothold for Satan in your life. See, now he can manipulate you at will. He just gets you mad. You know, and then, so, so that's why there are so many young men who are angry. They're so angry at everything. Uh it's because they have this unresolved conflict within themselves.
So. I think that's what I'm seeing here is you're, you're basically saying these, these beliefs in the way we perceive ourselves as men build on each other. Right. Right. If you just believe you're a sexual Neanderthal, that that's the only purpose of your life as you eat and, um, have sex. You know, [00:20:00] that builds a false hood, which then can lead to anger because ultimately in your soul, you know, you're meant for more, you're just living in this dissonance that the society is telling you.
Its meaningless. And society likes that because you're marginalized as a man.
The last thing our society runs right now is a strong man with convictions.
Well, let's move on to number three. Um, it says in verse 28 of Ephesians four, be productive. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
You see boy steal, men produce. Boys take, men give. Being motivated to produce in order to provide for other people or to share is what gives your work, meaning and purpose. You know, sometimes guys, they work really, really hard. And we're going to talk about some of the things that women do next week, which, uh, you know, people have told me, you're not supposed to talk about [00:21:00] women, you know, And I'm like, yeah, I forget that. I'm a salty guy, salty, and we're going to, we're going to do it because I see women making lots of mistakes in their relationships, and everybody's afraid to say, Hey, maybe you need to consider that you're making a mistake here.
You know? But our society is trying to convince women that they're always right and men are always wrong and that doesn't help. Right. So it doesn't solve anything. We just have unresolved conflict. But in regards to men, when, you know, and I understand that men sometimes feel like man, I work and work and work and she doesn't appreciate it, or I work and work and work and do this.
But the bottom line is, is strip that, that negative sense away and look at the core thing. And that is, is that there's a lot of value and meaning in your life. Because if you were just working for yourself, you lose your motivation. But you're working to provide for her. You're working to provide for your kids.
You're working to provide for the people around you. You're working. I'm not going to steal anything, take anything. I'm not going to be a victim. I'm going to go out. I'm going to be productive with my [00:22:00] life so that I have something to give. Maybe I have financial resources that I can share because I work hard and I'm successful.
Or maybe it's wisdom, that I give to other guys or other people, kids, you know. Maybe it's attention, maybe, you know, like a mentoring program or something like that to fatherless boys, uh, fathers in the field. Maybe I serve as a volunteer firefighter. See, uh, because I have time, you see these things are critical for men to have a sense
of value. And it allows them to resolve not only the conflict within themselves or at peace with themselves. But what it does do is it says all my relationships are around me are strong because I'm pouring into them. I'm not trying to take from them. I'm pouring into them and that's critical be productive.
And that will change your sense of value in your own eyes, as long as meaning and purpose that you'll experience in the lives of others.
So step four says use words well. Quoting a verse 29. Do not let any [00:23:00] unwholesome talk, come out of your mouth.
Uh, oh, this is a good one. And that is, is that look, if you want to be, go from a boy to a man, boys do not have any filter.
Over their words, right? Men look in evaluate their words in order to not only enhance their own sense of peace with themselves, but try to figure out solution-oriented stuff. Sometimes it's a well-worded, you know, a question or whatever. I think Jordan Peterson has done some really great work, a psychologist, uh, uh, the university of Toronto, where he says how you need to learn, not to speak in a way that makes you weak.
And so what has happened is our society once to marginalize men by telling them that they're toxic. And then basically saying that the only words we value from you are ones that are super, super nice. In, but the masculine qualities [00:24:00] of that relational heart have truth to them. They want to speak truth.
And so you have to figure out how to use words well. And use words, not because you're listening to yourself when you talk. Right. And so you need to understand that and listen to the words you use with your wife. And sometimes you need to realize, let's say you're married. Is that if you're not, if you say, well, I'm just not a communicative guy. Say, well, don't say that false hood.
Okay. The thing is, is that you need to communicate and you need to figure out how to do it well, and that's what turns you from a boy into a man.
So step five, eliminate bad thoughts, bad actions and bad attitudes. Uh, verse 31, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander along with every form of malice.
Now here's what's interesting guys, is that member what we were talking, you had made the comment earlier, which is so true is that these things are processed and they build on each other. You know, it starts off with, you know, What you [00:25:00] believe is one of the most important things about you. So if you don't resolve the false hoods in your own life with yourself, then you can't be at peace with yourself.
But once you do that, you see, then you start this process, uh, moving forward. And what's interesting is he says don't get angry or you give the devil a foothold. Well, if you give the devil a foothold, because you're not dealing with your anger, which is a sign that you're not resolving or false hoods.
Right. And is that you're going to find bad thoughts, bad actions and bad attitudes. All the days of your life. And what is the end result of those things? It's broken relationships. You see it's if, uh, you're in partnership with somebody at a business and you have these false hoods and devil has a foothold, you're not using your words
well, guess what ends up happening? You have bad attitudes, bad thoughts, and you destroy that partnership. You know, you're married, right? You're married to this [00:26:00] woman, who you said, in front of an altar family and friends that you would love forever. Right. And good times now she drives you crazy. And so you want to divorce her. Because now I'm not, I'm not trying to say that everybody goes through divorce.
Is, uh, like this at all. I'm not trying to say what I am trying to say though, is listened to how sometimes what guys do is they say, well, I'm going to trade it in on a younger model. Right. And this way, you know, she'll appreciate me for what I've done and. Uh, well, guess what it ends up with bad thoughts, bad attitudes or results in a divorce.
And then if you go through a divorce, then you lose everything. You know, you lose half of everything you've done. And so guys are responding to that in this day and age, even worse, there's more and more men. There's a massive growing movement in American society. And it starting to spill over into other first world countries.
And that is men just don't get married anymore. It's just, I'm not going to do it. So I find that fascinating. You see, but [00:27:00] what, what I want to get to is this. You really want to be a strong person. You have to realize that your soul is relational in nature. And that means you have to have intimacy with God first.
So I have to be right with God. I have to have intimacy with myself. That is you got to get right with yourself, be at peace with yourself. And then that's reflective out in the world. All my important relationships, I want to be at peace with. I want to pour into them and get back from them. That can't happen when you have bad thoughts, bad actions and bad attitudes.
He goes, put this stuff away, put all bitterness away, put anger and brawling and slander and hatred. Just put it away because in the end it's not good for your soul at all.
So step six says, focus on doing kind and compassionate things. Um, that's based on verse 32, be kind and compassionate to one another.
You know, it's interesting here because you can be kind and compassionate and two ways, the first way to be kind and compassionate is to yourself.
And the best way to walk the path to strength is to do the most kind thing you will ever do to yourself. And that is take responsibility [00:28:00] for your own life. I love, uh, Jocko Willink book, Extreme Ownership, which he says, look, um, can you control everything? No. Can you get the outcome you want? No. But what you can do is always take extreme ownership to do the best that you can do.
And that is one of the greatest gifts that men give to themselves is they say, I'm not going to be a victim of things I'm going to I'm bad. That doesn't mean bad things won't happen to me, right. It doesn't mean I'm not going to get injured, but I'm not going to be a victim of bad things. And I can overcome, I can adapt,
I can learn. Those are strong men. And that's by taking responsibility and then you can be kind and compassionate. If you have a conflict with your wife or you have a conflict with a partner, or you have a conflict with somebody else, right. The way to be kind and compassionate is to go in. And if you go in and say, look, the reason where it conflict, you know, with my kids or with my business partner or with my wife, is because all your fault, if you would have just done what I said, it wouldn't be this way, blah, blah, blah.
[00:29:00] Okay. That's not using words well. And number two, that's taking not giving. And number three, that's not kinder, compassionate. So you got to figure out, okay, how do I take responsibility for my part in there? Because I don't want to win this fight and lose us. Right. You see, that's a big deal. Now, sometimes you have to part ways.
Because the other person isn't interested in that. Right. And that makes sense. Okay, well, they did something wrong and we have to resolve that. But as it depends on, you try to be at peace with all men. So if I'm at peace with God on a piece of myself, and that gives me the opportunity to be at peace with everybody else around me.
So our final step, um, as we're finishing up is forgive verse 32 says forgiving each other, just as Christ, God,
forgave you. And I love the way, you know, the NIV kinda makes it a little wordy. I usually do my, my study out of the new American Standard Version. But what he's [00:30:00] basically saying is that, is that Christ, who is God forgave
you. Right. And if you go back to Matthew, it says after the Lord's prayer in chapter six, it says, if you can't forgive your earthly brothers and sisters, is that sin against you. Then, you know, your heavenly father can forgive you. And you, you kind of just become a stop. You don't become a flow. You know what I'm saying?
You're all gunked up, you know, Satan loves that. He loves it. When you get all gummed up. Forgiveness is the oil. I wrote a book called Forgiveness For Men, just for men. Because what happens is the most as unsuccessful men are immature men. Why? Well, because. They constantly get tangled up in the weeds. They get constantly tangled up in the, uh, irrelevancies and the little offenses and all of these kinds of things.
They can't stay [00:31:00] focused on the goal that the mission of let's say our business or our product or whatever, getting out there, they get tied up and they get all anxious and all, all of these types of things. And so what does this mean is that they can't let go. And that means they can't forgive the, the, the most successful men that I know personally are men of tremendous focus.
Right. And one of the things they say is the way they explained it is I just never get caught up in the irrelevancies. They don't get tangled up in the weeds. I stay focused on the goal. And as they explain it, I'm like, man, they're letting go. They're letting go of all of these things, all of these things that they could be offended about.
They're not offended by them. And I go, you know what? Th they're practicing biblical forgiveness. And that gives them a phenomenal focus in their life. And they can be focused on their wives, uh, their friendships, their businesses, and business partnerships, and they will have great success across the board.
And [00:32:00] so when you understand how forgiveness impacts you as a man, you will never, ever, want to stop practicing it?
Hmm. Well, those are some great ties into what we should be looking for as men. Um, and I'm sure the ladies in the podcast are also loving the fact that they're getting some insight on how I hope so, how we can, um, be better men in our lives.
Um, we thank you guys so much for joining us. We're going to continue this discussion on Thursday, more about men, more about, um, how to be, um, as good as we can in our relationships for our relationships. So that we're the heroes, not the villains in our relationships. So we thank you guys so much for joining us.
We'll see you here on Thursday at the Salty Pastor Podcast.
Signing off.