On the Roman Nose

"Does she know I'm here?"

"Wouldn't be much of a soothsayer if she didn't"

Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer has come hither from her dark, mysterious origins, to share some enlightenment and foretell something that ought to be foretold. It's a sacred duty that has played it's part time and time again, but is Caesar and Sensus willing to listen to her wise words?

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar                 
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus and Ruth                 
Thomas Taufan as Voice and Guard                 
Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Nineteen, Dire Warning)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

SENSUS: Shall I shut the doors, Caesar?

CAESAR: Yes, please.

ROLLER DOOR AND THEN ALARM BEEPS.

CAESAR: That's better. I mean, it is great to hear the masses so pre-occupied.

SENSUS: Indeed.

CAESAR: Well what's on today?

SENSUS: Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer is here to see you.

CAESAR: Does she know I'm here?

SENSUS: Wouldn't be much of a soothsayer if she didn't.

CAESAR: Damn. She’s always so melodramatic. Beware this, beware that, the Ides of March; the March
of tides; starch my strides; the eyes are much tidier and all of that.

SENSUS: She has saved your life on several occasions.

CAESAR: That is true.

SENSUS: And she did get rid of that evil spirit in the palace.

CAESAR: Cleopatra's mother?

SENSUS: Yes.

CAESAR: Yes, yes I can't deny I am indebted. Very well, call her in.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer.

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Ruse the loosest moose player please report to Lord Caesar.

DOOR OPENING AND WE HEAR JEWELLERY AND FOOTSTEPS
WITH ONE FOOT DRAGGING.

CAESAR: Fix that.

SENSUS: Yes Caesar.

RUTH: Ave my Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Ave, Ruth. What has happened to your foot to make it drag so?

RUTH: It is an old football injury.

CAESAR: You played football?

RUTH: No, I went out with a centre forward.

CAESAR: And was he…

RUTH: Forward indeed!

SENSUS: What brings you here, Ruth?

RUTH: A horse.

SENSUS: And....?

RUTH: A chariot.

CAESAR: And...?

RUTH: That's it, just a horse and chariot.

CAESAR: And do you have a message for me?

RUTH: How do you know?

CAESAR: Because you are here.

RUTH: Exactly and it is the very reason for me coming.

CAESAR: What is?

RUTH: Being here.

CAESAR: I see.

RUTH: Do you? Do you really? Or are you letting your judgement be clouded by the very thing that
obscures your sight?

CAESAR: Which means?

RUTH: Exactly, the mean witch means to wish you mean wishes.

CAESAR: What?

RUTH: No wait, I see, two men....

SENSUS: That's us.

RUTH: Yes, right in front of me.

SENSUS: That's us.

RUTH: And a large room with murals just like Caesar's palace.

SENSUS: It is Caesar's palace.

RUTH: Can you see it too?!

CAESAR: What is it that you want, Ruth?

RUTH: I come here with a dire warning.

CAESAR: Which is?

RUTH: A warning most dire.

SENSUS: We get that bit. What is the warning?

RUTH: What warning?

SENSUS: The warning so dire?

RUTH: Ah yes, the warning. Lord Caesar!

CAESAR: Yes, Ruth.

RUTH: I have severe news.

CAESAR: What is it?

RUTH: The palace walls have been breached.

SENSUS: What?

RUTH: The palace walls have been breached, what are you hard of hearing?

CAESAR: No, I'm not.

RUTH: What?

CAESAR: Hard of hearing.

RUTH: A little. But I like my herring hard.

CAESAR: And what is the nature of the breach to the palace?

RUTH: The cellars, the cellars are not secure.

SENSUS: Oh gods, she’s been at the wine again.

RUTH: You want to fight Charlie?

CAESAR: Oh dear, take her away Sensus until she sobers up a little.

SENSUS: Guard, escort Ruth to a safe room, please.

GUARD: Aye.

FEET MARCHING OVER.

RUTH: Oooh, hello handsome.

THEME OUT.
END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones