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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter eight. My process. When I finally hit rock bottom, I was miserable and lost. I had nowhere to go and no clue what I needed. I knew who I didn't wanna be, but had no vision for the man I wanted to become.
Speaker 1:I was determined to not abandon those around me like my father had, but that's a far cry from knowing who I wanted to become. Many know to run from the example of their fathers, but they don't know how to run to a better one. For me, I had no friends, father figures, or sense of community. All I had was a desire to be satisfied, a desire to change. Fortunately for me, the Lord had a plan to pick me up out of the muck and mire that I found myself in.
Speaker 1:The plan's name was Luke. I first met Luke when he came over to visit one of my roommates. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, but I was so sad and depressed that I didn't really make an effort to hang out with anyone. One November day, I was sitting in my room sulking when Luke popped his head in. He said, hey, man.
Speaker 1:Some guys I know are throwing a Thanksgiving potluck dinner tonight. You should come. I politely declined his invitation when he said, dude, you're sitting here in a dark room in the middle of the day. You have nothing else to do. Just come.
Speaker 1:His bluntness inspired me to go. While at this party, I made it my mission to look like I didn't wanna be there. I crossed my arms, stood in the corner, and did not smile. My plan was working until a guy named John came walking up to me. He started out with small talk, which I responded to with one word answers.
Speaker 1:Out of nowhere, he invited me to go to a men's bible study he was having the following week. I gave him the standard, let me think about it, which for me was a polite way of saying no. He asked for my number and said, I'll call you the day of with details. And that was that, or so I thought. As I continued to stand in the corner of this party alone, I thought about what just happened.
Speaker 1:For some strange unknown reason, I said to myself, if he calls, I'll go. Wanting the way. Internal desires are one thing. Public desires are something else entirely. Part of the healing process is acting upon your desire to change in the presence of community.
Speaker 1:The opportunity for just that showed up when, the following Tuesday, John called me. He gave me the details of this bible study and told me that he wanted to see me there. Having made an internal agreement with myself, I decided to check it out. When I approached the apartment complex where the meeting was held, the desire to improve myself gave me the courage to walk up to that door and knock. I wanted more.
Speaker 1:There had to be more to life than what I was experiencing, and I was willing to search high and low for it. The door opened, and I saw something that I will never forget, men worshiping the Lord with all of their hearts. There were guys praying for each other and singing songs of praise. Men were confessing doubts they had and sin struggles they wanted freedom from. I even saw a guy cry.
Speaker 1:I'll be the first to admit that the whole experience was odd to me, to say the least. It's not every day you see guys saying I love you and crying with each other, but something in my heart acknowledged these guys are different. They seem happy, secure, and in love with God. They have something I want. I surrounded myself with these guys and, for the first time in my life, I genuinely decided to pursue the Lord with my whole heart.
Speaker 1:Their hunger made me hungry. I decided to abandon the things that I used to desire. I used to want to be liked by all and be the cool kid at the party. I wanted nothing more than to appear to be a manly man and to be loved by women. After pursuing those things for a long, long time, I accepted the fact that they weren't truly satisfying me or my heart.
Speaker 1:I tried everything, and all it left me was yearning for more. There was only one more thing left to try. Maybe Jesus was the answer to my issues and would give me the freedom I so badly desired. I wasn't talking about playing church either. I had been doing that my whole life.
Speaker 1:I was talking about truly going all in with my relationships with Jesus, making him the lord of my life while listening and obeying to whatever he asked me to do. I knew some things about the Bible, but I never studied it for myself. I knew it wasn't good to sin, but I never really took sin seriously. I read all about how good God was, but I had never truly experienced his goodness. I had no idea where to start, so I just did the best I knew how.
Speaker 1:In some ways, this was me asking god to become the perfect father that I never had. Anytime the guys from the bible study did anything, I went. Your presence can be a powerful thing. I showed up every Tuesday night, and most importantly, I actually obeyed what I was learning. I was still a little unsure and insecure about the whole thing, but my hunger to have what these guys had was fuel in my tank.
Speaker 1:One Friday afternoon, I got a phone call from John, the leader of the bible study. Hey, man. We're going to go on a weekend retreat at a church a few hours from here. You wanna go? We leave in an hour.
Speaker 1:Of course, I said yes. Little did I know, that would be the weekend that the Lord ignited a fire in my heart that is still burning today. Surrounded by people worshiping the Lord with all their hearts, I prayed a prayer that I will never forget. Lord, I want all of you. Please show me how to do that.
Speaker 1:I experienced father god in a new way that weekend. The best way I could describe it is that I felt like he was actually pursuing me. I felt like he was running after me. I could feel his presence in my heart. Someone gave me a word of encouragement that was spot on.
Speaker 1:The Lord met my hunger and was inviting me into more of him. In truth, I didn't know exactly what that looked like. Wandering into the unknown can be scary. My desire was strong, but I didn't have the tools or the training to carry out what was burning in me. That's when my friend John Kaserman came up to me and asked a question that would change my life.
Speaker 1:I was praying for you during worship and felt like the Lord wanted me to ask you if you wanted me to disciple you and teach you how to follow Jesus on an intimate level. Would you be interested in that? This started the second step in my processing journey, a discipleship relationship, finding the way. Step one was realizing I needed change, but this second step was actualizing that change through consistent discipleship. John and I met every Thursday morning at 05:30AM to discuss how to build intimacy in my relationship with the Lord.
Speaker 1:He taught me how to read the Bible on my own, how to interact with the Holy Spirit, and how to apply what I was learning to my life. He helped keep me accountable in the areas I wanted to grow in. He vulnerably shared his celebrations and struggles to help me endure and to persevere in hope. Most importantly, he taught me how to spend time with the Lord on a daily basis. He taught me how to catch my own fish and to fill my own tank so that I wouldn't be dependent on anyone else in my walk with the Lord.
Speaker 1:The discipline of spending quality time with the Lord daily is something I am still doing today. It is the foundation of my relationship with him. Just like with any relationship, you must prioritize time and communication if you want it to be healthy. I learned how to do that from my discipleship relationship with John. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:My friend John is a great guy, but there isn't anything special about him. He is simply a peer who said yes to helping a new follower of Jesus learn how to build a relationship with his lord. Someone taught him how to do it, and he was just passing down what he learned to me. He simply showed up week after week and invested in me on a consistent basis. Because of his steadfastness, my life will never be the same.
Speaker 1:God fathered me through my relationship with John. Still hungry for more of the Lord and now equipped with some tools in my tool belt from John, the Lord put me in contact with someone else who would forever change my life. As mentioned, growing up without a father complicated my relationship with older men. They were unfamiliar and untrustworthy. Since I didn't have much contact with them, I was not used to the tone and directness most of them spoke with.
Speaker 1:I live with my mom, and most of my teachers were women, so naturally, men made me uncomfortable and insecure. On the other hand, I desperately wanted to figure out what it meant to be a man. I would watch older men closely from a safe distance trying to figure out how they carried themselves and handled certain situations. Being a man myself, there was a gravitational pull that led me to environments where I could observe and experience men from a distance. I was always watching, trying to figure out for myself how to be the man I wanted to be.
Speaker 1:From an early age, I wanted to be what my father could not be. I wanted to be a present husband and father who led a healthy family. That would be hard to do when I literally didn't know one single older man who was a present husband and father who would teach me what I didn't know. Who would show me how to become the man I wanted to be? Who could I emulate to become the best version of myself?
Speaker 1:Enter Steve Allen. Steve's presence initiated the third step in my processing journey, finding a spiritual father. A mentor shares his wisdom, but a spiritual father shares his life. Steve did just that. Show me the way.
Speaker 1:I needed an older man to lead me into the next step of my processing journey. Steve's experience as a husband, father, and follower of Jesus prepared him to handle someone like me in my past. His maturity and wisdom were needed to take me where I wanted to go. Not only did he ask the right questions to get me started on a deeper journey, but he guided and supported me along the way with his encouragement and presence. Because of Steve, I discovered that it is always a good idea surround yourself with someone who has been where you're trying to go, someone with a different perspective and who is a little further along than you in this journey of life, someone who has your best interest in mind and whose sole purpose in your relationship is to help you become who you want to be.
Speaker 1:For a guy who didn't have a dad or a close relationship with any men growing up, Steve and his consistent encouragement and communication gave me an example of a godly man to emulate. So much more is caught than taught, and I caught so much just by being around Steve and watching him live a godly life. Paul's caution that bad company corrupts good character also has an inverse truth. Good company builds good character. Steve certainly did that for me.
Speaker 1:I was also able to receive more from Steve than I would from someone my own age. He rebuked and challenged me often, and I was able to take it because of my respect for him. I trusted him more than a peer because his life was proof that he knew what he was talking about. I could call him whenever I needed help. He prayed for me often and held me accountable in areas that I wanted to change.
Speaker 1:He gave me someone to confide in and allowed me to confess and process sins that I had been hiding for decades. For the first time in my life, I had a godly man in my corner who loved me unconditionally. Finding an older godly mentor who has qualities that you want in your own life to invest in you can be a transformative experience. If you're a young man, look for gray hair and a stable life. If you're a young lady, find a woman who fits the picture of where you want to be.
Speaker 1:Paul wrote, older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure. Even the Old Testament speaks to this intergenerational ministry. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents. Malachi four six. If you grew up with a missing piece in your family line like me, this mentor might not completely and entirely fill that role, but they can sure make a good substitute.
Speaker 1:Give me counsel. While Steve was able to help me process and face the majority of my issues, there were some areas that he was simply not equipped to handle. There is a ton of wisdom and humility in knowing what you can and cannot do. This led me to the fourth step of my processing journey, finding a licensed counselor. The ancient biblical wisdom rings true that in the multitude of counselors, there is safety.
Speaker 1:Proverbs eleven fourteen. Every so often, I find myself stuck in an issue that keeps rearing its ugly head over and over again in multiple situations. These are issues that are very complicated and need the attention of an experienced professional. Heavy psychological issues like isolation, self reliance, and difficulty identifying and processing my emotions are not for the faint of heart. I struggled and still do with choosing faith over fear, and I am generally on the lookout for the next way that life is going to hurt me.
Speaker 1:I was left with major abandonment and self esteem issues that simply couldn't be worked out over a casual coffee with a mentor. A licensed counselor gave me a safe place to process my past and to help me identify ways my past experiences are negatively affecting me and my relationships. It gave me an objective party to help provide tools to use in my fight against the lies of the enemy. It gave me some answers to the question, why do I do what I do when things get hard? And helped replace some wrong thinking with right thinking.
Speaker 1:I know counseling might not be a viable option for everyone, but I do want to challenge you to consider whether or not this could be a helpful option for you. That last point about changing your thinking is simple but expensive. Make no mistake. Changing your thought life will cost you something, but it is a wise investment in your most valuable product. Coming to terms with this and carrying it out was the final step in my process.
Speaker 1:Change my mind. You wouldn't believe the thoughts that go through my head on a consistent basis. In my opinion, winning the war in your mind is the hardest battle you will ever fight. The lies come, and they do not stop. The battle never ends.
Speaker 1:When you defeat one lie, another seems to find its way to take its place. Paul said, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Did you catch that? It's arrows, plural. The attacks are not a onetime occurrence.
Speaker 1:You spend year after year hearing the same song playing in your head, and you'll find it it's pretty difficult to change the record and sing a new tune. The paths have been blazed and well laid out. It may not be good for you, but at least it's familiar. When you spend decades digging ruts in your neural pathways, don't expect them to be reversed with the snap of a finger. Changing my thinking was not something I have had to do every so often.
Speaker 1:It's not even something I have to focus on daily. It's more of an every moment of every day sort of battle. Don't be intimidated by this. It's a good thing. Think of the Mona Lisa on display.
Speaker 1:Because of its value, it is constantly under surveillance and monitoring. It is climate control, protected from harmful light, and has an anti vibration mount that keeps it safe in the event of an earthquake. We should see our minds as valuable holy ground. We constantly monitor it to protect it from intrusive thoughts, temptations, and fiery darts that want to drag us down. This maintenance takes intentionality and effort, but it's far less costly than staying the same and allowing our thinking to be overgrown with spiritual weeds.
Speaker 1:The fight is worth it. When I have a moment of failing, which happens often, the trick is to get up as soon as possible. Like quicksand, I have to get out of the lie as soon as I realize I'm in danger or else it will swallow me up. Proverb twenty four sixteen indicates that we will fall down, but the righteous get back up. The difference between those who experience change and those who stay the same is what they do in the moments that follow failure.
Speaker 1:For me, I've always been a middle of the road kinda guy, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but not the dullest either. As a child, I always wanted to be the smartest or most talented at something. As I get older, I realize that there are a lot of smart and talented people who are coasting through life. Some are stuck or not reaching their full potential. While being smart or talented certainly helps, the most successful people that I meet are the ones who have learned how to be optimistic, resilient, and hopeful.
Speaker 1:They simply find a way to get up when they fall down. They figure out a creative way to overcome and avoid obstacles that keep them from getting what they want. They believe in themselves and in others. They operate in faith, not fear. I believe the foundation of their success starts with their mindset and perspective of life.
Speaker 1:You don't need the most talent or raw gifting. You simply need a heart that says yes to the unique process God lays out before you. My process is not your prescription. You might meet with a counselor before you connect with your own Steve Allen. Maybe you are discipled, which later leads to a lasting encounter with God.
Speaker 1:The order and exact steps are not the critical issue here. The issue is yielding to the custom journey God has for you. The issue is changing your thinking from I'm not lovable to I have a lot to offer and people love me. When I'm a failure turns into I can do it, I promise you will increase in joy and peace. Watch your world change as your thinking does.
Speaker 1:Tell me, have you ever thought about your safe place? Is there a specific person who you feel comfortable enough to help you process your journey? How can you engage community around you as you go through this process? Who are the friends that you can let in, and how can they intentionally help you during this journey? Going to church and being moral is one thing.
Speaker 1:Being discipled is another. Have you ever intentionally been discipled before? If not, who is someone that you admire that you could ask to disciple you? What is it that you really want at a soul level? Is it peace, freedom, joy?
Speaker 1:How can you get those things, and who can help?