Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

“Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but they aren’t inherently bad. In fact, they’re essential.”
Conflict rarely gives us time to prepare. A sharp comment, unexpected criticism, or sudden disagreement can trigger strong emotions precisely when we need to communicate most clearly. But handled well, conflict can strengthen relationships, improve outcomes, and lead to better solutions. In this special episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, hear an excerpt from the updated edition of Matt Abrahams’ Think Faster, Talk Smarter. Matt introduces the CLEAR framework for navigating conflict in the moment: checking yourself, listening with receptiveness, exploring the other person’s perspective, acknowledging before advocating, and responding strategically. With these five steps, you can move beyond reactive responses and approach difficult moments with greater calm, curiosity, and clarity.

Takeaways:
  • Manage yourself before you manage the conflict. Recognizing when you’re triggered and creating a brief pause can help you move out of a reactive state and respond with greater calm and clarity. 
  • Understanding should come before advocating. Listening with genuine curiosity, exploring the other person’s perspective, and acknowledging what you’ve heard can keep disagreement from escalating and create space for a more productive response.

Activity:
  • Run it through CLEAR. Think of a disagreement you’re currently navigating and write one action for each step of CLEAR: Check yourself, Listen, Explore, Acknowledge, Respond. Use those five steps to plan how you’ll approach the conflict before deciding what you want to say.
Audio excerpt courtesy of Simon & Schuster Audio from THINK FASTER, TALK SMARTER by Matt Abrahams, read by the author. Copyright © 2023 by Matt Abrahams. Used with permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Episode Reference Links:
Connect:

 Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (01:04) - Why Conflict Escalates
  • (04:19) - Why Managing Conflict Matters
  • (05:43) - The CLEAR Framework
  • (06:31) - Check Yourself
  • (08:18) - Listen Openly
  • (10:21) - Explore Their Perspective
  • (11:25) - Acknowledge Before Advocating
  • (12:59) - Respond Strategically
  • (14:33) - Conclusion

********
Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.

Unleash your Superhuman potential with AI that meets you where you work. Learn more at superhuman.com

Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. 

Creators and Guests

Host
Matt Abrahams
Lecturer Stanford University Graduate School of Business | Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host

What is Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques?

One of the most essential ingredients to success in business and life is effective communication.

Join Matt Abrahams, best-selling author and Strategic Communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, as he interviews experts to provide actionable insights that help you communicate with clarity, confidence, and impact. From handling impromptu questions to crafting compelling messages, Matt explores practical strategies for real-world communication challenges.

Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes presentation, perfecting your email tone, or speaking off the cuff, Think Fast, Talk Smart equips you with the tools, techniques, and best practices to express yourself effectively in any situation. Enhance your communication skills to elevate your career and build stronger professional relationships.

Tune in every Monday and Thursday for new episodes. Subscribe now to unlock your potential as a thoughtful, impactful communicator. Learn more and sign up for our Newsletter at fastersmarter.io.

Conflict and challenge
can arise in a flash.

Being able to communicate calmly
and clearly in these situations

can have a huge impact on your
short and long-term relationships.

My name is Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at

Stanford Graduate School of Business.

Welcome to this special Quick
Thinks episode of Think Fast,

Talk Smart, the podcast.

I am thrilled to share that an updated
version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter

book and audiobook is now available.

I've added content that shares how
best to leverage AI for spontaneous

speaking, how to reduce the added
communication anxiety AI can bring,

along with many other best practices I've
learned since the book first came out.

Additionally, I've added a chapter
many people requested on how to

handle in-the-moment conflict.

Take a listen to an excerpt from the
updated audiobook on how to better

manage emotional challenges that
can flare up in our relationships.

Application number seven: staying calm,
focused, and clear when conflict strikes.

Key insight.

Years ago, a friend of mine ran into
some unexpected trouble during a birthday

dinner for his sister that he was hosting.

As my friend was slicing up his sister's
favorite roast chicken dish, she made a

snide remark about his parenting skills.

Feeling hurt and offended,
he couldn't help but lob some

bitter insults back at her.

Their dispute escalated, and despite
the efforts of other family members

to intervene, his sister stormed out.

The two didn't speak for a few years.

Today, my friend realizes that their
rupture didn't have to happen, but

was spurred by the spontaneous,
unpredictable nature of the conflict.

Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't
handle the situation as calmly

and productively as he might have.

Conflicts in relationships
might be unpleasant, but

they aren't inherently bad.

In fact, they're essential.

Research suggests that conflict, when
properly handled, can lead to better

work outcomes, stronger relationships,
and creative problem-solving.

The key is to overcome the strong
emotions that seize hold of us when we

unexpectedly find ourselves under fire.

The spontaneous nature of these moments is
precisely what makes them so challenging.

When someone takes offense at a
comment we've made, or interrupts with

sharp criticism, or says something
that disappoints us and leaves us

stewing, we know that an aggressive
or otherwise ill-advised retort on

our part will only make matters worse.

We have to get our message right,
but we're also usually not at our

calmest, clearest, or most rational.

These situations demand our very
best communication precisely when

our stress response undermines
our ability to deliver it.

As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book
Crucial Conversations notes, "Under

conditions of threat, we have a tendency
to tell ourselves three kinds of stories:

victim, villain, and helpless stories." In
the moment, my friend might have convinced

himself that he was a helpless victim
who had been accosted by his sister.

He hadn't done anything to deserve that.

He might have framed his sister as
the villain, someone who apparently

feels entitled to say whatever she
wants, regardless of whom she hurts.

He might have justified the insults
he threw at her by reasoning that he

had no choice as he was under attack.

Anyone affronted like he'd been
would have responded similarly.

He was helpless to respond otherwise.

These three kinds of narratives work
together to lock us into defensiveness.

They amp up our emotions and justify
unhealthy responses, creating what

researchers call a conflict spiral
in which negative emotions and

expressions feed on themselves.

We're not doomed to such spirals.

With the right tools and a bit of
practice, we can train ourselves

to overcome the emotions that arise
when we're caught by surprise so

that we can respond in ways that
strengthen our relationships.

Although we might not always achieve
the outcomes we want, we can boost our

chances if we learn to manage conflict
productively and disagree nicely

Why it matters.

Understanding how to communicate
effectively in these unplanned

conflict moments is one of the most
valuable skills we can develop.

When we mishandle impromptu disagreements
at work or at home, our productivity

and that of others around us declines.

Our relationships fracture,
and we can suffer long-term

damage to our reputations.

We also miss the opportunity to learn
about ourselves and others, which

could lead to better solutions and set
us up better for future interactions.

When we become adept at disagreeing,
we can become more effective, happier,

and connected with others around us.

Craft your content.

A mountain of research exists around
conflict, and I've been fortunate to

have a number of experts appear on my
Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast as guests.

Coming away from these conversations, it
occurred to me that devices from earlier

in this audiobook, for instance, what,
so what, now what, can help structure

our communication responses in conflict,
so we don't simply need another one.

Instead, we need a method for
cautiously laying the groundwork

for an effective response.

Before we can pin down precisely how
to communicate when in the heat of

conflict, we first must step back,
calm ourselves, and interrogate

the situation in a methodical way.

Synthesizing the insights and
approaches of my podcast guests,

I've arrived at a five-step framework
called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows

us to achieve a refreshing clarity
even in the most heated moments.

C, check yourself.

L, listen with receptiveness.

E, explore their perspective.

A, acknowledge before advocating.

R, respond strategically.

After running through the first
four steps in the CLEAR framework,

you can then leverage earlier
structures in the R step to help you

craft your message in the moment.

Let's explore each of
these five steps in turn.

Step one: Check yourself.

Self-awareness is the foundation for
effective communication during conflicts.

You can't engage productively with
others if you don't understand

your own internal state.

Jenn Wynn, a professor at New York
University's Stern School of Business,

advises we should first look for cues
and clues that we're feeling triggered:

a lump in our throat, butterflies,
a clenched jaw, a quickened pulse.

If we sense these and similar signs,
we can learn to pause, even just

for a few seconds, taking a breath
or two while imagining a peaceful

place or person whom we find calming.

This serves to activate our
parasympathetic nervous system and

counteract our stress response.

It also gives us a moment to shift
out of a reactive mode and move from a

hotter emotional state to a cooler one.

As we're pausing, we can reframe
the situation in our minds,

reminding ourselves that what we
initially took as a threat might

actually be an opportunity to learn.

We might ask ourselves why someone
might reasonably be acting as

our partner in conflict is.

Example: Years ago, a colleague
of mine, I'll call him Chuck,

and I were collaborating on a
fairly high-stakes work project.

During a meeting with our mutual boss,
Chuck proposed a course of action

that undercut me and ran counter to
what he and I had previously agreed.

I was surprised and angry.

I felt my chest tighten as it
always does when I get upset, and

this clued me in to take a moment
to pause and check in with myself.

Rather than rushing to confront Chuck
in front of our boss, I managed to

calmly ask Chuck why he thought his
approach was the best course of action.

Step two: Listen openly.

Once you've checked yourself, focus
on listening, making use of the

skills presented in chapter four.

Passive hearing isn't enough.

You must show genuine curiosity about
the other person's perspective and

openness to what they might be saying.

What Harvard University's Julia Minson
calls conversational receptiveness.

As she found in her research,
adding simple phrases that express

a willingness to learn dramatically
changes how others perceive us.

Try saying, "I understand this is a
really complicated topic, and I'd love

to understand your point of view," or, "I
get that some people might disagree, and

I'd like to learn about your perspective."

You can also convey curiosity explicitly
by asking respectful, open questions.

As the person speaks, process what
they're saying rather than planning

out what you're going to say next.

We often feel uncomfortable
showing curiosity when we're in

conflict with others, as it can
feel like we're acquiescing.

But the benefits of curiosity
and listening are significant.

As Minson notes, research
participants who expressed curiosity

came across as dramatically more
reasonable and thoughtful and

pleasant than those who didn't.

Example, in my conflict with Chuck, I
asked lots of questions, including, "What

are the short and long-term implications
of your plan of action?" And, "Are there

ways that we can support your goals
while also addressing mine?" I queried

him about specific tactical issues
like cost, timing, and scalability.

My tone here was critically important.

I conveyed genuine curiosity
and deference, listening

intently to his responses.

Although Chuck did provide a clear
rationale and detailed information,

he wound up digging into his position.

This wasn't what I'd hoped, but at
least I had a better sense of how

strongly he held his position and
how thoroughly he'd thought it out.

Step three: Explore their perspective.

Before you can respond effectively,
be sure that you understand not

just what the other person is
saying, but why they're saying it.

This requires that you think
strategically about their situation,

motivations, and interests.

Ask yourself, "What's going on in this
person's mind? What concerns do they

have?" Thinking back to the villain
stories that Joseph Grenny mentioned, try

to challenge such narratives in your mind.

Might this person be behaving more
reasonably or rationally than you think?

Do they have insight, perspective,
or experience that you lack, and

might this be guiding their actions?

Are you ascribing negative intent
to them where none existed?

Example: as my conversation with Chuck
unfolded, my boss and I learned that

he was really most concerned about
finding a new role for an employee

of his who had a lot of potential but
was struggling in his current role.

The desire to help this employee
was a key reason that Chuck had

deviated from the course of action
on which we'd previously agreed

Step four: Acknowledge before advocating.

Once you understand the other
person's perspective, don't just

rush in presenting your own.

Rather, convey your understanding
by paraphrasing back what the

other person said and making sure
that you've heard them correctly.

Many conflicts flare out of control
because we rush to make our point without

first showing we've genuinely listened.

By conveying our understanding,
we're not necessarily agreeing

with the other person.

We're simply demonstrating that we've
heard them and that we respect them enough

to consider carefully what they're saying.

In repeating what you've heard,
emphasize any points of agreement,

ask for clarification if needed,
and guard against subtly disparaging

or reframing what they've said
in the course of paraphrasing it.

When conveying disagreement,
don't immediately contradict

it, but instead point to a more
integrative and inclusive approach.

Instead of saying, "I understand you're
frustrated, but we discussed this

deadline last week," say, "I understand
why you might be frustrated, and I

wanna talk about how we can make this
deadline work." The simple use of and

instead of but makes all the difference.

Example: After posing questions and
listening attentively, I recounted Chuck's

position in my own words, indicating
that I understood how strongly he felt

and that I appreciated his position.

I also indicated respectfully that
I didn't agree with him and that I

also had an alternative viewpoint
that was worth considering.

Step five: Respond strategically.

After the first four steps, you're
finally ready to respond substantively.

You might feel tempted to advocate
strongly for your position and

adopt a take no prisoners approach.

Instead, respond with an eye
toward maintaining the relationship

and keeping dialogue open.

Following the advice given elsewhere
in this audiobook, clarify your own

deeper goals and core priorities,
and adjust your communication given

the specific relationships in play.

Think, too, about which communication
medium might be the most

advantageous given the circumstances.

Instead of responding immediately in
the moment, perhaps it would help to

wait a few hours and send an email.

Doing so might give you and the
other person time and space to

think and let your emotions cool.

On the other hand, email might feel too
formal, and using it might be taken as

a sign of distancing and disrespect.

It all depends on the situation.

Example: In my conflict with Chuck,
I thought of a way we could implement

his desired course of action while
modifying it to satisfy my concerns.

We could adopt a phased approach
that allowed his employee to

do both the role Chuck wanted
and a bit of the role I needed.

This wasn't a perfect solution,
but it was good enough.

Although Chuck grew heated, I
presented this solution in a way

that was calm and reasonable.

My boss expressed appreciation for
the professional way I'd conducted

myself, and in the end, he decided
to go with what I proposed.

Well, there you have it, a clear
way to handle the in-the-moment

conflicts that we all experience.

I find myself relying on these
techniques often, and they

really can make a difference.

I encourage you to use
these techniques as well.

Please check out my updated Think
Faster, Talk Smarter book wherever

you get your books and audiobooks.

This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with
special thanks to Podium Podcast

Company and the audio team at Simon
& Schuster for providing this excerpt.