Life in the Grey

We did the thing you’re never quite sure you’re ready for—we read the comments. The thoughtful ones, the confusing ones, the ones that made us pause, nod or quietly rethink things. If you’ve ever hesitated before opening a comment thread, or wondered what happens on the other side of the mic, come sit with us.

Notes/additional info: 
  • At 3:07, the individual Melody is referring to is Roxane Gay, not Rosamund Gay. 
Related links: 
✨ Ready to be a little kinder to yourself? Download our free 5-day self-compassion challenge—with daily prompts, gentle exercises and tools to help you stop the spiral of self-criticism and start speaking to yourself like a friend.

Creators and Guests

Host
Faith
Faith is a Singapore-born advocate for holistic wellbeing, informed by decades of personal exploration into counselling practices, therapy and trauma recovery. Although not a psychologist, she has developed a nuanced understanding of emotional wellness through her healing journey. Married and living in Singapore, Faith shares her home with two beloved cats and nurtures a passion for jump rope, finding both joy and valuable life lessons in it. Her outlook embraces a blend of physical, spiritual and emotional health, allowing curiosity, compassion and intentional consideration to guide her as she navigates the gentle greys that lie between life’s extremes.
Host
Melody
Melody is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. As the project leader for Mums At The Table, a vibrant community for mothers, Melody leads efforts to create meaningful content that helps mums navigate parenting while fostering deeper relationships with their children and local communities. With a background in media and communication, Melody uses her expertise to engage mothers in digital spaces, equipping them with practical tools for parenting and personal growth. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

What is Life in the Grey?

Life isn’t always black and white. Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, be that as a parent, a partner, or a peer. And don’t worry—it’s short because we ain't got time for fluff. Expect practical takeaways that you can apply to your own life, whether it’s navigating parenting challenges or finding balance amidst life’s demands. Join us each month as we share stories, insights, and reflections that encourage personal growth and foster a sense of connection in our community.

MELODY: So you know, there was this one time, there was this question on my son's homework sheet. It said, “What is your mum's hair colour?” He was in kindergarten, so you know, they're trying to figure out colours. His answer was blue, and the result was a big, fat red [cross]. He was very outraged.

FAITH: I, yeah, I mean, but why? Why was he outraged?

MELODY: Because, because the kid was actually right. My hair was blue.

FAITH: Okay, so that was the time where you were doing your blue phase.

MELODY: Yes, yes. So I had blue hair then, and in the years since, it's been pink, it's been red, it's been purple, it's been, well, grey. So he was very, very outraged.

FAITH: Right. So what, what is the, the relevance of this anecdote to today's topic?

MELODY: It's because I'm, no, it's because we're doing a very special episode today, where we're reading out the comments received on this podcast.

FAITH: Ah, okay. Well, this podcast is Life in the Grey, and it's a Mums At The Table podcast where Melody and I explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, whether we're a parent or a partner or a peer. And I'm Faith, and my approach to these complex realities comes from my background in psychology and decades of lived experience navigating trauma, therapy and spiritual formation. Melody, what about you?

MELODY: I, my experience is from being a mum to a nine-year-old. I am a writer, I'm a communicator, I do a lot of research, I do a lot of reading, and I'm also currently project leader of Mums At The Table, who brought you this podcast. Now, why I'm talking about my hair being blue is because of a comment that we had on episode 10, where this person, instead of reflecting on what we said, zoomed in on how we looked and remarked, “What's with the crazy hair?” I mean, I assume he was talking about the hair colour, not the, not, not the fact that I don't actually brush my hair. Which is also correct.

FAITH: Well, we, we will never know. But you know what, you know what it was about that comment that caught my eye, is that after that person asked what's with the crazy hair, there was another viewer who responded with, “What's with the icky superficiality?” And honestly, it was a part of me, thank you, yes, because there was a part of me that felt like, you know, they were the champion that I didn't realise I needed. I tell you, navigating comment sections on social media can be so hit and miss, and because they can sometimes have so much negativity and vitriol out there, that it really scares me that some of that could land on me. I don't want that fear to be the reason why I don't speak up, why we don't speak up, because the world has so much space to hold of our stories.

MELODY: Yeah. It's interesting that you said that, because just, I think it was yesterday, I just read this very interesting Facebook post, and it was talking about this lady, I forget what her name was now, I think it's Rosamund [Roxane] Gay, and she is quite an outspoken person on feminism and basically speaking up for victims of abuse. And one of the things that she said, that she realised, is that the times when she's actually been told to be quiet, is actually the times she discovered, is actually the times when she needs to actually speak up.

FAITH: Wow. And I want to add to that powerful story by saying that sometimes, maybe we don't speak up because we think we're not smart enough, maybe we think we're not eloquent enough. Sometimes when I hear people tell their stories, and then they will downplay it immediately, I want to tell them, whoa, what you just said, I don't know what it sounded like in your head, but when it landed on me, that word, that phrase, it just like shot straight into my heart, like a flaming arrow, and then it just lights me up inside. And I guess that's what I'm trying to say is, I don't think we should let the fear of being criticised, whether it's from other people or inside our own heads.

MELODY: A lot of it is actually inside our own heads.

FAITH: I will raise my hands to that.

MELODY: Me too.

FAITH: But we can do it scared. That's what I like. I read this phrase, “Do it scared anyway”. So I tell myself, I'm still scared. I am still scared every time we put a new episode out. But you know what? I'm still scared, but I still don't care.

MELODY: Well, the reality is that people will find something to disagree with, right? I mean, if everyone agrees with everybody on everything, do you think we would have all the arguments and all the wars and everything else that we would have right now? So people will always find something to hate, even more so, even worse so, when it's online. I don't know why, but people seem to turn into a different monster when they go online. But yeah, it really is true. It's about knowing what you stand for, advocating for it. I mean, I've been writing articles, feature articles for many years now. I'm trying to think and it's like way too much. It's more than my fingers, so I cannot count. And the reality is that the very, very first time when I first put my first opinion article out, I actually got quite a number of, I wouldn't call it hate mail, but it was just basically angry letters.

FAITH: Oh no.

MELODY: And it did affect me. It did affect me back then.

FAITH: Of course.

MELODY: And it was just like, what have I done? I'm not pleasing people, right? But the good thing about doing this for some 20 over years is the fact that you start developing a thick skin.

FAITH: Well, I guess you have to.

MELODY: And yeah, the thing is, I think the more you decide that it is not going to affect you, it doesn't mean that it never affects you. It still affects me. But I think the easier it is for you to handle it.

FAITH: Like, oh, yes, that didn't feel good but you know what? Let's just walk off.

MELODY: And I think one important thing that I want to say that has actually helped me in my journey, and so it's what I try to consciously do as well. The thing that has helped me in my journey of developing this thick skin, right, is listening to the positive feedback as well. Because just as you get negative, you get positive as well. The sad reality is that when people agree with you, when people think that what you've done is something that they agree with, more often than not, people don't respond because it's just like, oh, yes, I agree. It's only when you get the strong emotions of you don't agree, that people will feel compelled to write in. But this is where I try to do it in such a way that I actually encourage these people who are doing well and actually taking the effort to tell them that, you know, I appreciate what you've said, because I find that having that positive can also help deflect the negative.

FAITH: There's a thought that comes into my head. What does it matter? I'm just one person, and it's not like what I say might matter. But what I'm hearing you say is that it does matter, especially when our brains are wired for survival, and only after it has felt that it is safe, then it can start looking for ways to feel good about itself in whatever ways are accessible. And so that's why a negative comment, a criticism drills itself even deeper and faster than a compliment, because our brains are wired to keep us safe. And that criticism is not safe. And so all of our senses are now guarded and geared up to want to protect us. Whereas a positive compliment, you know, an affirmation is like, okay, it comes in and it goes, not important, not important, not important, not good for, not meant for survival. Which I think is, I want to lead into this next comment, I think that I wanted to respond to from a listener that was reflecting on our first episode.

And they basically wrote, “Judging others by being judging,” because I think we said that phrase during the podcast itself. And they said, “These past few days, I've been reminding myself how I should react when I get ticked. And it takes time to practice compassion for yourself.”

And I feel you, I mean, we just talked about criticism, right? And I tell you, moving from criticism to curiosity is one of the most complex skills to practice. And I don't even think we ever get to the space where we say, okay, I'm done. I've practiced it. I am like a master at this. I think it's a ongoing lifestyle experience that we get better at, but we never truly, never need to practice like, you know, consciously. One key component I think about compassion is really ability to offer validation to ourselves. In a way, it's like saying, it's okay. It makes sense. The feelings that you have right here, have the right to be here. Almost like giving yourself a stamp of approval, even in the midst of maybe feeling like no-one else is giving you approval.

MELODY: It's interesting what you just said, because it kind of ties into another comment that we actually did receive for that episode as well. And what it said was, “It is so true that guilt is born at the same time as a baby. It feels like a significant part of mothering is learning to acknowledge the guilt, but not let it have the final say.”

And yes, this is done in the context of parenting and becoming a mother, but just as you were saying about taking time to practice compassion, right? And so we can still have guilt. We just not let it have the final say and practice compassion on ourselves.

FAITH: Oh, yes. And I tell you, validation and compassion, they require radical acceptance. So Carl Rogers is one of the founders of humanistic psychology, right? He called this the paradox of change, where he says, the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. And for validation to really work, we have to absolutely just trust that it will work. That's just like weird paradox there. I don't know. I guess I’ve got a lot to say about validation because it's one of the things that I really work on, having struggled with it so much of my life. And even right now, there are days where I just feel like it's so hard for me to access it. If you guys are interested in something like this, maybe Mel and I can do an episode on this. But for now, I think I just want to leave with this thought. For me, the way to master validation and self-compassion is to find all the different ways to access safety within ourselves. And it can take a long time, but it does get better the more ways we find to access that safety. Short form, we are not broken, we are becoming.

MELODY: And we just need practise.

FAITH: Just need practise. Yeah, it's all practise. It's all practise.

MELODY: I'm just having a look at the time and I think maybe we should be wrapping up soon. But I just wanted to mention a few other really quick comments that we received because we did say that we're going to go through the comments. I don't really have any response to it. Okay, this is a comment from episode two: “Are you judging me? Or is it my trauma?” And the comment that we got was two purple heart shapes with a fish cake emoji in the middle. I don't know what it means.

FAITH: I don't know. These days, I can't keep up with the emoji dictionary.

MELODY: Like the hearts, I understand. I mean, like, okay, maybe, you know, it touched them somehow, but I don't know what fish cake means.

FAITH: But you know what? I'm all for it. I'm all for the fish cakes. I'm going to take it in a good way. I'm just going to say it's two hearts and then we're all going to be hungry for fish cakes and then we can all have some later.

MELODY: You want to take this other one in a good way? This is from episode four, where it's talking about, we were talking about body image. It's another picture comment. There's no words. Or maybe I should lead in with the nice ones first. There's one with the emoji with the heart-shaped eyes. I thought that was nice.

FAITH: Yes, yes, it was.

MELODY: And then there's another one that has, I don't know how to describe it. It's got two person, it looks like it's two bodies talking to each other. But instead of, you know, normal heads, the heads are replaced by toilets. And it's got the toilet seats going up and down like the mouth, and they're kind of talking to each other.

FAITH: You know what? Without any information whatsoever, if given a choice between two options of feeling bad about something or laughing at something, without any concrete information, I choose to keep peace in my life and just laugh about it.

MELODY: So anyway, those are the few funny ones. There's a few other really nice ones as well, you know, where they tell us that they love the approach, it’s amazing. There's one that's actually really nice, where it's in episode nine, and it's basically always talking about how we rewire relationships without gaslighting ourselves. And they basically said, “This is amazing. Thank you to you both.” Yeah, there was a follow up question as well, actually, where it says, “How do you know when it's not yours to carry?” And I think it sparked off you writing a whole article about it as well.

FAITH: It just sparked me off on this whole journey of introspection and journaling. And then I just felt this really strong need to just put all my thoughts down. And then I showed it to you, and then you thought it was good enough to be put in the public space. And I was really surprised.

MELODY: Yes, shush that inner critic.

FAITH: And I think we can find the article right now, right? It's out already, right?

MELODY: I'll put it in the show notes.

FAITH: Okay, excellent. Yes. Because I think it's one of the most profound and necessary conversations that we can have with ourselves when navigating relationships, especially if you have a history of enmeshment or over-responsibility. And I think there was a lot of thoughts that I had, but I'm not going to spoil it here. But like Mel says, the link to the article is waiting for you in the description box. Yeah.

MELODY: And I think basically, what I want to say is that, you know, these comments, these comments are precious. And these comments do help us think differently. They help us think deeply. Well, except maybe the toilet one. But anyway, I just wanted to say that, you know, we do read the comments, whether they're in pictorial form or written. So share your thoughts with us, share your questions with us. Email us at Hello@MumsAtTheTable.com or just comment on this right here, right now. We'll be back to our normal musings next episode. So we'll catch you next month.