Praying Together as Husband and Wife

Show Notes

Dennis and Barbara Rainey say one simple habit will help any marriage grow stronger—praying together. Every day. Find out why it's so vital, in this episode of The Barbara Rainey Podcast, from Ever Thine Home.

What is The Barbara Rainey Podcast?

Barbara Rainey mentors women in their most important relationships. She loves encouraging women to believe God and experience Him in every area of their lives.

Samantha: Dennis and Barbara Rainey pray together every night before they go to sleep. At first, Dennis was the only one who prayed aloud. But that soon changed.

Barbara: I just wanted to participate because it's a conversation between us and God together—the three of us, in a sense. So I wanted to join in that relationship, in that process.

Samantha: Welcome to the Barbara Rainey Podcast, from Ever Thine Home. This podcast wants to help you be changed by Jesus which will, in turn, transform your home. Thanks for listening!

MUSIC: UP, UNDER

Samantha: There are a lot of things that promise to help strengthen your marriage. An article on the Brides website focuses on
arriving and leaving rituals,
talking about your day together,
going to bed at the same time,

things like that— all good ideas!

For years, Dennis and Barbara have challenged couples to pray together daily. Dennis says it’s an important ingredient of a healthy marriage, although forming the habit can be hard.

Dennis: One of the biggest obstacles to praying together has been couples who have started but have stopped. They don't know how to start praying together again. As a result, they let guilt get them; and they never pick it up again and begin praying, as a couple.
Samantha: The Raineys have been married since 1972, and they can probably count on one hand the number of days they’ve NOT prayed together. Here’s Barbara.
Barbara: I think part of the reason we haven't gotten out of the habit is that we never made it really complicated. We never made it something that was going to take a long time. We always knew that we would pray together—even if it was just a very, very short two- or three-sentence benediction. Because of that, we never got out of the habit of praying together.
Some nights that's all it's been. In fact, many nights that's all it's been because we've been too tired, or it's been too late, or whatever.

Dennis: But it's an acknowledgement of who God is—of His ownership of our lives / that He is the center of what we're all about and that we recognize His authority. It's really interesting—that benediction, even though it's a tradition—and some nights may be—I hate to admit this—but some nights may be not a wholehearted prayer. It just may be a habit that is: "Lord, we're exhausted. We love You. Goodnight."

Barbara: But our hearts are in it—it may be a habit, but our hearts are surrendered to the Lord. Even if it's short, we’re coming to Him as children.
We're saying: "Lord, we're just overwhelmed with life. We're exhausted. We're going to bed, and we love You. Goodnight,”-kind of a thing—but it's still a reflection of our hearts being His and wanting to please Him with our lives.

Samantha: So we asked, “In most marriages, who has the greater desire to pray, the husband or the wife?”

Barbara: I think it would be the wife.

Dennis: Ditto.

Samantha: And how would Barbara counsel a wife who’s frustrated at the lack of prayer in their marriage?

Barbara: I think I would encourage her to pray for him—that he would have the desire, that he would be challenged, that he would hear the idea from someone besides her, where he could begin to think about it.

I think that if the appropriate time—and it may be after a long time of praying for him—she might feel that it would be okay to mention it to him—to say something very non-threatening / very supportive and encouraging—that would be something, like: "You know, I'd really like for us to pray together. Would you mind if I said a prayer at night?" or "…Would you mind if we read this book together?”—or something that would help him in a way that didn't take over and take charge.

Samantha: Dennis recalls an email he once received from a listener to “FamilyLife Today.”
Dennis: She said: I heard the familiar voice of Dennis Rainey on my car radio. He was making a challenge to married couples to make a pledge that they would begin praying together every night, starting tonight, for the rest of their lives. That moment in my car, I promised God that I would do that very thing.
When my husband and I went to bed that evening, I shared with him the promise I made to God. To my disappointment, his reply was “I am happy for you.” That was not what I expected. However, I told my husband I wanted to keep my promise to God and proceeded to pray out loud. Since that night, nearly two years ago, there have only been rare occasions when I have not prayed in bed with my husband. It saddens me that he does not pray too.

Yet, I am thankful that he respectfully listens. One day, I feel certain that he will join in with me.
I read that for two reasons. Number one—I think it gives credibility to what Barbara is saying. It is usually the wife who desires this spiritual intimacy and who is most spiritually-receptive to begin the process of praying—but, secondly, I read that because I do think one of the things a woman can do is ask her husband for permission to begin to pray over him, over their lives, and over their marriage together. Perhaps, on that occasion, say, "I would really like this to be something that you do with me, but I'm willing to wait until you're ready to join in,"—but begin the process of praying.
If he doesn't like it out loud, then, pray silently for him, for your marriage, and for your children.
I think, sometimes, we want to achieve the major objective—God puts before us an opportunity to begin something very significant—but it may begin very private. It may not be out loud, but it can be something you can do even if your spouse is unwilling to at this moment.

Samantha: Barbara warns a wife to watch out for a sense of superiority.

Barbara: Absolutely. because it's very easy, I think, for wives, who are more interested in spiritual things than their husbands, to feel spiritually-superior. That's a real dangerous place to be because, then, all of a sudden, you begin to become critical as a result.

Samantha: Who, then, is more likely to feel intimidated by the prospect of praying together, the husband or the wife?

Barbara: I think it's most likely for the husband to be intimidated.

Dennis: And I would agree with her a second time. And the reason is it's a man's pride of making a mistake—of not saying the right words / of not knowing how to talk with God. In fact, // one of the women, who responded to an email that I sent out, said this: "I would encourage any couple to learn to pray together, even if it feels awkward at first. My husband often felt that he wasn't good at praying, but I encouraged him to just talk to God like he talks to me."
It's really interesting—I heard from another man, who asked me a number of questions about praying with his spouse—he said: When I pray with my wife, am I praying out loud with her? Should I be kneeling, or can we just sit on the bed? Do I say a certain prayer? I don't know how to pray in the presence of someone else—even someone as close to me as my wife. In fact, I don't really know how to say what I want to pray for. I'm that inexperienced in prayer. Then, if I tell my wife I want to do this, she’ll certainly be pleasantly shocked. Prayer to her has always been something that was very private but not an open thing. Should she pray out loud with me, or is it something that I should just let happen?
I think people move off into the spiritual realm, and I think they get threatened by some of these fundamental questions. The issue is—prayer is conversing with God—it's a sacred privilege and a responsibility of a follower of Jesus Christ. It shouldn't be entered into glibly, but it needs to be entered into—much as you would enter into a conversation with another person.

Samantha: That husband’s questions are legitimate. For example, do you have to kneel, or can you sit?

Dennis: There are different postures in the Bible about how we're to pray. Some are kneeling, some are standing, some are lifting up hands—others are lying on the ground on their faces, confessing sin. There are two postures that are not mentioned in the Bible. One of them is sitting when we pray, and the other one is lying down when we pray.

Samantha: How about the prayer itself? Read a pre-written prayer, or be spontaneous?

Dennis: I don’t think it matters. I would even suggest, if they don’t feel comfortable praying out loud, to take one another’s hands and to take turns praying silently. In other words, both kneel—or both clasp hands—and say: “Let’s spend the next couple of moments praying together and praying for one another. When you are done, say, ‘Amen.’” But begin that process like that—of praying together. The issue is: “Start somewhere that you are comfortable and begin to move forward, from that point.”

Samantha: And who should do the actual praying?

Barbara: I don't think that really matters either. I think, ideally, both should pray; and ideally, I think both should pray out loud because, I think when you pray out loud, you hear the other person's heart. You can identify with what they're feeling when they express whatever the issue is to the Lord. So, I think, ideally, both should pray. I think, ideally, both should pray out loud; but I don't think it always has to be that way.

Dennis: Early in our marriage, I made the mistake of being the only one praying. At a point, Barbara said, "You know, I would like to participate more in this." It was interesting—as a young man, the thought had never occurred to me—I didn't know what I was doing. It was early in our marriage—do you remember when that was?

Barbara: Yes, but it didn't really bother me. I just wanted to participate because it's a conversation between us and God together—the three of us in a sense. So, I just wanted to join in that relationship and in that process with you—but I wasn't necessarily offended that you were praying, solely, and that I wasn’t praying, because it was really like you were praying a benediction on us together. So, that was okay in and of itself, too, I think.

Dennis: It grew; and it has grown deeper and deeper. I suppose, over the next 20 to 30 years—if God gives us that many together—that our marriage will grow deeper in the practice of this spiritual discipline. It's not what we wish it would be, even today. We would like to grow deeper in this spiritual discipline.

Now, I just want to say something—because some folks, who just heard me make the statement that, early in our marriage, I was the only one praying—they were offended that I would not consider my wife's needs to pray, at that point. Well, I just want to say—the thought of her praying—that really had never crossed my mind. I just never heard of anybody doing it, and I was practicing this spiritual discipline—

Barbara: Like you thought you were supposed to.

Dennis: —like we were supposed to, as a couple. And I think the point for couples, listening to us today, is to say: "You know what? I'll take that challenge. We'll begin, tonight, to pray together for the rest of our lives." And if you miss a night or two, that's okay.
I think that couples need a personal challenge, and it's not possible for me to reach through the radio on the dashboard or in the kitchen and to shake a man's hand and to say: “Look me in the eye. Will you begin praying with your wife tonight” or “…tomorrow morning for the rest of your married life together? Are you willing to take that challenge?"
I have had a lot of fun, challenging men to begin that process because I think that's all that's missing from many men's lives—they've not had an older man in their life who has talked to them practically about how they can be successful / how they can do this and feel good about it. —some ABC’s of how to get started—so that a man can, not only step up and take the challenge, but he can also be successful in implementing that challenge.

Samantha: And not to leave wives behind, they can initiate this, too, says Barbara.

Barbara: I think that would be fine because I think a wife can decide that she wants to pray for her husband and for her children every day for the rest of her marriage and to pray for him that he would begin to be interested in praying with her. So, I think that would be fine.

Dennis: I think so. And this is not the only time a person is going to pray.

Barbara: Right; exactly.

Dennis: Both Barbara and I have our own times of prayer, throughout the day, that we practice. This is just a cooperative/unified time when we join in prayer together.
Again, if it's a woman, who is praying silently—even if it's silently—for her husband, her family, for their relationship—those prayers are being heard by God, whether or not the husband hears them or not.

Samantha: So male or female, husband or wife, the challenge is there: pray! Pray alone, pray together, “Pray,” as the Apostle Paul put it, “without ceasing.” And if your spouse doesn’t want to pray with you, then pray on your own and know that the Lord hears you.
Well, if you’d like more inspiration, consider getting a copy of the book by Barbara Rainey My Heart Ever His: 40 Prayers for Women. With a little adjustment, it works great for couples, too. The book My Heart Ever His is available for a donation of $35 dollars or more in support of Ever Thine Home. For more information, and to make your donation, head over to EverThineHome.com. That’s EverThineHome.com.
Thanks for your support. And thanks for listening today. My name is Samantha Loucks, and I hope you’ll experience God in new ways in your home as you pray together on a regular basis. See you next time, for the Barbara Rainey podcast, from Ever Thine Home.