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Manhood often feels like navigating through uncharted territory, but you don't have to walk alone. Join us as we guide a conversation about how to live intentionally so that we can join God in reclaiming the masculine restorative presence he designed us to live out. Laugh, cry, and wonder with us as we explore the ins and outs of manhood together.
Is Your Penis Securely Attached with Corey Allan - Part 2
00:00
Corey, when you think about the man or woman who's listening to this right now, and they've identified with some of the things that you've brought, and there's a recognition that, well, I may be 40 years old, but I'm having sex like a 25 year old, or, you know, I'm the man is not accompanying the penis, if you will, like, there's something there that he's like, Oh, my goodness, what are you know, this is yes, yes to what we've just said.
00:27
How would you recommend, what would be some of the first steps that you would give that guy who's kind of saying, I need, there's some space for me to grow in this area? Well, I think there's always the challenge of us as men learning to live with our penises more securely attached in the entirety of our life. And all that that means. Untack all of that. I love that statement. Well, because this is more than just sexual.
00:55
Yeah. Part of what quintessentially makes men men is a penis, you know, hello. It all started the same in biology in the womb, but at some point it goes down one path or another and you become male or female. And so a lot of times I think what happens that with men is I heard this phrase from Brandt Hansen that if a man is really living in his family and those around him, well, those around him flourish.
01:24
Right? Adam was, was charged with tending the garden. Yes. Well, the relationships I have are gardens. So the people around me, if I'm being a good man, if I'm being a good Adam, if you will flourish, and that's because of my presence and my pouring into them and my protecting them and my setting a tone and all of the things that men do that are really good. This is not at all domineering and all the old crap.
01:53
that cultures have had. Instead, this is a power move. And the idea of power to me is really defined from the movie Schindler's List of, you know, I have the ability to take a life, but I don't. That's real power. Right? That it's that idea of I have the ability to cause harm, but I don't have the ability in its restrained and it's dedicated towards good things. And so living
02:18
The wholeness of me means I am consistent all the way through. I'm engaged where needed. I make decisions when offered. You know, one of the biggest things I see that men don't have their penis securely attached is the wife says, hey, we're going to grill out tonight. Do you want a chicken or steak? And if you're like me, you're like, I don't care. Meat's meat. You know, we're good. Just put something out there, babe. I'll grill it up. Well, she's offering me a chance to set a tone.
02:47
She's deferring to what I want. And it's an easy step to just say, let's do steak baby. And just be decisive with it. I mean, that's one of the simplest ways to start a different present. Even if I don't care if I'm offered a or B make a call because that plays out in other areas that are bigger in my life. Yeah. And so that's not, that's not living in masculine, right? Because sometimes there's an element of the feminine is bringing.
03:16
an indecisiveness because they don't know. Well, I can get met by my feminine where I don't know either, but I have an opportunity relationally to set a good tone, which could play out later in other ways. And so that's one. And then the other is just regularly recognizing what are my real motivations when it comes to seeking things that are sexual with my wife? What's this really about? And how do I lead with the genuineness?
03:45
not a tentative or timidity, but I let it be felt and then I handle her reaction better. Cause one of the biggest things I see that trip men up all the time, one of my men, one of the guys in my mastermind group actually referred to it as I keep tripping. I keep stepping on my own scrotum with this one. That's a great, it's really hard to do, but man we're capable, we're capable of doing it is I get pouty and angry when sex is rejected.
04:14
guarantees I'm being a boy that I'm hoping my wife will want to have sex with one day. I am getting in my own way so dramatically. So when I handle that better, that doesn't mean I'm not still disappointed or even frustrated, but I don't treat her accordingly. I treat her well. Like, hey, baby, let's have a little sex tonight. I've got a plan. Let's go. And she's like, ah, not tonight. Okay. Well, you don't know what you're missing. What would you rather do instead?
04:43
And you just kind of keep on going and you keep leading and you engage and you kind of are a good collaborative partner that sets a completely different tone. It's not about my sexuality as much as it is my presence, which I want to bring them both. Yeah. When appropriate. And I want to let it be felt when appropriate. But I want to handle whatever comes back my way and not crumble because of it. Because if I don't have my penis securely attached, I crumble. Right.
05:13
I love, we talk a lot at Restoration Project about our presence, the masculine presence. And you just start to bring your presence and to her in the sexual engagement and also not in the sexual engagement when it's just bring your presence to the decision between chicken and steak, bring your presence to the bedroom, bring your presence and... Well, and I also refer to married sex as a long game. And so Esther Perel makes the comment of foreplay starts after orgasm.
05:43
Cause you're just setting up the next one. And so it's a good framework to see there's a, an inner weaving of that throughout a relationship in marriage. Yes. That can be life-giving. I mean, nothing gets me more excited. And even sometimes aroused when there's a good banter at an inopportune time with my wife. It's like we're at, we're in target and there's a banter. There's no way to act upon that without any kind of major risk and making the news, which we don't want to do.
06:13
But it's kind of like, oh, I love that energy that that creates. Yeah. And hope it'll culminate in something when it eventually can. But don't diminish the fact that energy is important. And so there's an element of learning how to be expressive and then let that be the point. I made a move and that's it. You know, I go in, I give a really good kiss and then I'll head on and do something else. And it's not.
06:43
teasing, it's not manipulating, it's just, man, I was, I had this thought about you and I wanted to express it. And now I'm gonna head to the garage because I got to get this thing done that I had in my list. And, and that's just a different energy and presence that kind of comes and goes throughout her life. Like I'm hoping she'll come and go through mine. Because if we get too close together, we're just smothering each other.
07:08
Corey, we could talk for hours, I think, and I just think what you have invited us to in these conversations has been so reframing of what sexuality is specifically for men. I think for me, come to the end of the conversation, there's so many things I could pull out of it, but I feel like one of the most money statements that you made is for, as men, for our penises to be securely attached to us. And the disattachment
07:37
the insecurity is what leads to many of these, you know, insecurely attached if we even want to call it attached, but leads to so many of these challenges and problems. Well, it's also, let me interrupt you real quick. I think this is just too funny to kind of land it with that, with that framework. Cause I, I use this when I get a chance to speak and I've got an audience for a little bit of a time, cause it's a good way to look at it. And so I'd already done some buildup and
08:05
I use the joke of there's far too many times where a husband's penis is actually in his wife's purse. And then every so often he'll be like, Hey, can I have that back so we can have a little fun tonight? And then I'll give it right back to you. Right. And that's where the idea of the ball and chain that let me ask the boss, let me check with my calendar where that's not what a wife is. She may be the family manager. She may be really good at that.
08:34
But she is not the authority of you nor are you of her. We are our own. Right. I believe in that individuality. Right. And a lot of instances. And so I was kind of setting this up and I love it because one of these guys and this was a guy that I'm friends with. He actually, when I made the comment of, yeah, lots of times it's in their wife's purse and they just have to ask for it. He actually nudged his wife said, like.
08:57
And he gave this kind of motion, give back to me, you know, I want to put it on to keep it. I just started laughing inside. I couldn't bring it. I wasn't going to embarrass you from everybody, but it was like, well done, dude. That's like a good move metaphorically speaking. Yeah. I've been shirking some responsibilities in my family and in my life. I haven't been showing up. Yeah. And that's where we got feedback all the time of have I or not. Yeah. Cause if they're upset about something, well, there's likely truth in it. Yeah.
09:25
Right. And in other ways, good. True, too. I love that you love that you interrupted and brought that because I think that's fantastic. And it opens up a whole nother conversation that we don't have time to have. But, you know, I think a lot of times we also talk a lot about story and the story that we bring into our marriage and the story of our sexuality that we bring into our adult lives. And, you know, yes, so it might be in her purse, but it might it might be, you know, in.
09:54
attached to more securely attached to pornography. It might be more securely attached, you know, or it might've been hijacked by pornography. It might've been hijacked by an abuser and hijacked by some, some stories of harm and stories of locker rooms, stories of shame, stories of bullying, whatever that is that the insecure attachment of our penis to us, there's all kinds of stories that are part of how that happened. Yep.
10:22
And I think some of the work that we need to do as men and specifically, you know, here is where listen for you listeners, the work that we need to do is is it securely attached or isn't it? And especially in the places where is it, it isn't, what is it like for us to tend to those places and address those things and do the work to come back to ourselves, to reattach that if you will. And, you know, not your wife.
10:51
but then also look at, you know, do a little bit of a, an audit of where a court, you know, across the seasons of your life, have you lost attachment with it? And what would you like to do with that now? Because I think that's so, so vital for any healthy marriage relationship and sexual relationship, but also as we were, you know, a long time ago in our conversation for myself. Yeah, that's, that's, that's the self-development process. That's like bootcamp work right there.
11:20
I'm moving into something a lot more serious because my life is at stake. Yes. Of what could be. Yes. Cause it feels like too, the insecure attachment is it's yes, it can be both the passive like total step back, right? Insecure is all or like insecure attachment is also the domineering like language, right? Of like, Hey, it's not shut down, but it's meltdown. Like my over bringing of my power, like I would
11:49
say that's insecure as well, right? Like that is in that expression of it too. Almost, almost without fail. You can use the opposite ends of the bell curve on most things and they're both equally crazy and destructive. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Still great to have you as part of the podcast and just grateful for what you brought, what you bring and the work that you do to help marriages thrive in the way that you, that you do. So
12:18
Thank you so much for being here. Remind us again where we can find you. So my online home is smr.fm Everything I do is all that one site all these social platforms were on there as sexy merge radio So just at sexy merge radio all lowercase all together Yeah, so I should be fairly easy to find new shows come out every Wednesday and you can find that anywhere podcast can be found awesome
12:44
Well, thanks again for being on the podcast. Great to have you. Absolutely. Thanks, Corey. Appreciate it.