Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
The Commonality Podcast explores what it means to do our best in today’s messy beautiful world. Hosted by Pilar, a personal and professional coach, we dive into it all with a mix of honesty, humor, and heart. Whether it’s solo musings, breaking down weird astro sh*t, or listening to guest stories, this is your space to remember this life is non linear and you're not alone.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.366)
All right. So the way I do it is we just jump into it. Okay. Sounds good. But I'll give you a little intro. So, Mr. Sarhan, how do you know me? How do I know you? Well, we met. We're married. We're married, yes. You're about to go way back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, we are married, of course. Yes, that's how I know you. Yeah, that's what people so people know. Like this is I'm doing this with my husband right now. We are in the same house. You're above me, which is hilarious because I can actually hear you. That's good. That's awesome. Yep. Yep. So we are we're here in the house just doing the podcast. And yeah, it's it's interesting. It's unusual. It's unusual because we talk so much and having this setup is a little bit.
unusual, but yeah, it should be fun. I'm looking forward to the chatting. Yeah, I actually kind of like that. It's true. We do talk a lot, and we've never talked from our respective offices before. I know. I kind of like it, because then if I just want to call you and be like, A-O.
Yeah, I'm sure people are very interested in this part of the conversation. You're so funny. This is the whole vibe, babe. OK. I like how worried you are. It's so cute. I'm not worried. I'm just, you know, I'm jumping into the pond. I'm not sure what to expect. I know. Yeah. And you're like very focused. It's like, OK, what's the intention? What is the objective? I'm completely unprepared. I don't know what they're doing.
So hopefully it goes well. I love it. So I want to ask you, you know, we come from different worlds and I talk to a lot of people about what I love about our relationship. You know, I've talked, I talk about our relationship a lot. and really, okay. Cause I'm proud of it. That's good. That's good. I'm curious in your mind, why do you think that we work so well together?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (02:25.272)
That's a good question. I sometimes think about it myself, but I think it comes down to a few things. The first one is we have a foundation of shared values, just generally in life, I think. What do you the values are? Well, those values, think we are both very driven people. We are both very
We have integrity, feel like. We both have very strong sense of what's good and trying to do the right thing. I think it's really important to us. I feel like we're really family people. We like to build a family and our own place in life. And we're home-bound in a way sometimes. We're both introverts. We're both hit introverts in a way.
And I think there are lot of other things around, just the first, register on values fundamentally and how we see the world and how we can communicate with each other. think that's really important. The second element is our life goals are very aligned, I think. And I think we are openly able to discuss them. And generally, we are very much pointing in the same direction. I think it's super important. And I think the third...
part is just communication. think we have very strong communication about both good and bad. We are able to speak about issues, problems, we're able to communicate effectively. When we fight, we generally come to the same point where we are able to sit down and talk about it. And I think those are the three main factors that are making us work so well together. Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, that's definitely the two things that you mentioned for sure that I talk about a lot is communication styles. I feel like we have a really, really great way of communicating with each other. And like you said, like we may not be on the same page naturally, right? Like you said, like we're talking about, have a lot of different reference points just growing up. And so.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (04:51.894)
Sometimes it's not even about having a different point of view. It's about because it's just about being informed of the details and of the information because for instance, like you might say something where I'm like, my goodness. But as we talk about it, which is wonderful that we can like have seemingly difficult conversations. But what I think is really what happens a lot in the world is just a lack of shared knowledge.
And so the task at hand is not about judging on the offset. It's about putting in the effort to like have a productive conversation. Right? So even if we're trying to figure out like, Hey, the, know, how do we deal with the dishes? How do we deal with, you know, the, the trash? How do we deal with certain things like that? Right? It's kind of like, okay, we.
I don't think we've ever actually said this, but we kind of more treat it as like a knowledge sharing exercise of like, okay, what do I want to happen? What do you want to happen? What's your perspective on how things happen? What's your perspective on how things happen? And then trying to understand where that compromise is. Cause we obviously want the same things. Yeah. Because of the aligned goals, think. But I think what makes it work really well. Yeah.
Yeah, and the values for sure, values for sure. think I agree. think the, you know, the fact that we are very driven people, that we really value knowledge, that we really value global perspective. mean, that was what made us connect when we first met. Yeah, for sure. person, right? Because apparently we met digitally on email when we used to work together. Yeah, definitely. She told me afterwards. Yeah.
It was a big email chain that I had to start and Sark was on that. Do people know how we met actually? the people know how we met? We can talk about it. I don't know if it's interesting or not, but I think it's just curiosity. It's kind of a moderate tale if you think about it. Yeah, we both used to work in the same company. I mean, I'm still in the company. Adi used to work in the same company as me many years ago.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (07:12.31)
And we just tangentially had worked on similar on same projects together with different roles in different locations. And I just had spotted you through those exchanges. I remember the name and I remember the picture. And but then we lost it was an iconic picture of mine. It was an iconic picture at the time because of the kind of the you're jumping and you're really funny and being quirky and all that.
which is really cool. it was a very memorable picture, and I remembered it, and I remembered the name. And then until many years later, we didn't really have an opportunity to interact. And then I think about six years ago or so, there was a party that our shared friend organized in LA, and we happened to be there together. And I remembered the picture and the name. was like, this is the person I remember from many years ago. And I came up to you, and we had a great conversation.
in Spanish, I think, and you were very surprised that I knew Spanish. And I think that kind of created a little of a connection there. And we had a really good interaction, that party. But yeah, and then until months later, nothing really happened because we were living our own lives. And one day when we both got on Tinder, it happened to be that we saw each other and we just connected there. Which is really cool because I think it was just kind of very
very serendipitous thing that happened. It just was very casual. And then we happened to connect in person and we got to know each other a bit deeper and we really liked, I think those things that we discussed, the values, the life goals and just kind of how we saw things in general. And, and from there, I think it just grew from there, which was really, really awesome. And now we're married. now we're Flash forward. Spoiler alert.
Yeah. Now I'm going to, I'm going to fill in some details. Okay. If you think that I'm boredom, then I think they're fun. So what's funny is that when we met at the, at the, at the party at the get together, there was only like six of us there or seven of us there at the time. we'd both come pretty early. and I remember seeing you and you were so, you had this tight.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (09:36.942)
tight shirt on. Like this or? No, it much tighter. You were like busting out of it. And you're very clean cut. you know, as a, we're meeting in LA, I think that it's important as like a backdrop to understand that dating in LA is like a very interesting experience. And you know, you're, dealing with a lot of interesting industries in the area. And so
It's not atypical to find good-looking people, but it is atypical to find people who check off all the boxes of mentally stimulating, physically good-looking, emotionally mature, all these things. I've admitted this to you that when I first saw you, just thought, okay, here's just another guy who thinks he's really good-looking. I wasn't really interested.
I wasn't even in that mindset and I was just kind of, and admittedly I was definitely judgmental. I would say I wasn't like, but I was definitely, you know, just as a term of passive kind of scanning over everybody. You're a very good looking person. Congratulations. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't think so, but thank you. I think I'm average looking and I think you are good looking.
See, this is another reason it works. Maybe. But what's amazing is that you came up to me and you said you were like Pilar and the way you said my name, was like, you know, because I know your name is Sarhan. I was like, I wasn't expecting one way or the other, I definitely wasn't expecting you to say my name so well in Spanish with a Spanish accent. And I was like, yes, si.
And you were like, I was like, my goodness. We started speaking Spanish and I was so, and because I wasn't in that vibe at that time in my life, wasn't open to, know, a new relationship. wasn't open. was just at that point in my life where I was just like, kind of having a bit of a breather. I was just willing to be present for having this interesting, like, Whoa, what is this?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (12:01.376)
And you were so, and I feel like men need to take stock in this or like take a page from Sarhan's Unknowing Book. But like genuine conversation is a massive asset. And when we were talking, we connected so hard on like so many different levels in terms of, you know,
the backgrounds of our family, traveling, you know, relocation, having the global mindset. You know, it's where we discovered a lot of our values, right? Just by that is very uncommon for to find because of the fact that both our families moved around a lot, had to relocate, had to kind of create this central nucleus and not really have extended family around which
creates a whole different kind of dynamic in values when you're growing up and you're trying to make something of yourself, but you don't have this sort of network to lean on or to refer back to. In that conversation, we discovered a lot of that right up front. I just remember just having such a wonderful time talking to you without, and this is key, without
any sexual innuendos without any sort of flirtation, without any... It was just you genuinely being interested in my story and my background and likewise. And I think that that is so important that a lot of people don't really grasp or understand and maybe even think it falls into the nice guy category of like, I'm interested.
But you don't realize that when you find the right person that you're having that conversation with, it really is the difference between day and night. And I remember leaving that party, and we have a picture of us from that party, it was so fun. But I remember leaving that party, and we didn't like exchange numbers or anything, I was just like, shit, I gotta go home, I'm the babysitter. And I just remember leaving and just feeling like, my God, I'm so happy.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (14:25.58)
that my friend has friends like that. I just remember and I'm getting a little emotional about it because I was just so impressed by like the quality of human being that it was like feeling faith again in humanity. What have you experienced before that baby? not that it was like you know not like you know I had lost any faith in humanity but especially dating in LA or like just
meeting, command in LA. It's difficult. It's definitely... general, dating in LA is pretty hard. It's a known fact. It's a known fact. This is a known... Especially I think nowadays, think 10 years ago to now, think it was a different world. Now with all the dating apps, it's so convenient. People just are more superficial in the way they kind of look for...
dates and partners and all that stuff. And I think it just creates this culture of where people are not really willing to set it connect on deeper knowledge, just look to have more dates. And I think that culture is really, could be toxic if you really want to find someone special because people are not really looking for that in a dating, online dating context. And yeah, it could be hard. I can see that. So I'm really happy we found each other. Yeah, same.
Yeah, yeah, that was super fun. And I love though, how, you know, when I'm talking, especially to like clients and, you know, we're talking about relationships. You know, I admittedly, I refer a lot back to our own relationship because of how much we've learned, you know, through the process of, of just, you know, growth and how you can grow as a
person with a supportive partner that ultimately serves your highest and greatest good, right? And I feel like you may not have all the answers upfront in terms of what kind of partner you're looking for, but by virtue of like working on yourself, by virtue of being, you know, open to new experiences,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (16:51.446)
you ultimately just intuitively end up finding the right person. What was the experience like for you before meeting me? What was your dating experience, your mindset in relationships in general? Well, I've always wanted to find a long-term partner.
When growing up, I was very insecure in my kind of like dating life, so to speak. And in my twenties, I was still finding myself a little bit in terms of who I am, you know, what is my goal kind of in terms of having a partner, having a girlfriend or having a wife. And I think I always had this idea that I want to have a family at some point in the future, but I never knew how because I had a lot of kind of insecurities deep down.
And as I developed myself and my career and acquired my confidence and moved around quite a bit, I think that my approach changed because I wanted to first basically try to cast net as wide as possible so I could basically find just people. And obviously, if you're an expat in a different country, the easiest way to find is going online and trying to find somebody through online dating apps.
And that's what I kind of started doing when I moved to Ireland from Spain. yeah, and I think then try to just basically, you know, date people, but always looking for that. What is actually, what is the match? What, what, what could be the match for me personally? And how can I offer something to this other person? And I think the biggest factor for me was this alignment of goals in life was really important. I realized how important it is because I was dating some girls that
maybe, you know, were good in some areas, but the goals were completely different, right? And they just, I felt it wasn't the right fit for me. And then when I moved to the United States, it was the same kind of idea. In LA, it's a really big city, you kind of get, can get lost in the sea of people here. And for me, I was just doing the same thing. I was like, okay, how can I meet as many people as possible? And I found that meeting people outside of work was very helpful. So that I, for example,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (19:11.182)
some group of people at work that we meet outside to do some activities like doing some races together, maybe doing some workouts, maybe going out on a hike, things like that. And I started to build my network. When you were in Ireland, when you lived in Ireland, it was going to the bar. Going to the bar, yes, exactly. There was not much to do apart from that. It was very, very basic, very, very, very
Clear path to have a date there. It's all go to the pub. Okay, cool. Yeah. then, and then slowly, I think I acquired just more confidence in myself and who I am. And I also started to feel that I had more clarity of my goals in what I want as a partner. And slowly I realized that another part, which is it's very hard to have goals and timelines on when you can meet someone because it's impossible to predict.
You just have to be open to it. You have to be have an open mindset. You have to be confident in who you are. You have to be very clear about those goals and being very selective about who you choose to partner with for life. But once I think I found you, I realized very quickly that it was a very good match in terms of those three elements that I described in terms of how we thought about life, what were our goals, aspirations, were our values.
And immediately I realized that it's worth establishing deeper connection there. So it was just kind of overall through experimentations or having dates through acquiring a better understanding of who I am as a person, what my goals are, having more confidence in myself because in my twenties I didn't have as much confidence. And I think in my thirties, I really became who I am in terms of, okay, this is who I am as a person and I can offer something. And I am also feeling confident in my ability to basically, you know,
find people and people will be happy to connect with me as well. I think that's a really important part of it is just having that openness and confidence in yourself. And then, yes, I think that was kind of what led to finding you, thankfully. Yeah, I mean, I love like the confidence part. Like I think that that's so huge. Working on yourself and having that confidence. And I think that there's a there's sometimes a misunderstanding around what confidence means.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (21:37.802)
right? Sometimes, especially with men, I think that there can be a lot of misunderstanding around what confidence means. because of, you know, masculine energy and the social expectations of masculinity and what that means, it can kind of be hyperbolized and sort of caricatureized into this, you know, take up room and be forceful and like be the loudest person and
Be confident, right? When in reality, that's not real confidence. Confidence is actually like knowing who you are, right? It's not about- That's correct, yeah. Right. Showing up with like a false sense of confidence. because, you know, it's a little cliche, but it is true. There is an overcompensation that's happening when you see those kind of personalities. And for sure, you know, I've been guilty of that. I would say it's probably a show.
show of overcompensation for some insecurity. If you are kind of on a spectrum, you are basically being the caricature of that confidence in the mainstream understanding. You know, like, what does confident mean? You immediately think like, somebody who is super strong and can speak loudly and, you know, can dominate. That's what mainstream kind of immediately jumps to you in your your in your head when you think confidence, but it's actually the opposite of that. It's more like
You need to be more grounded. You need to be more aware of yourself, of what your weaknesses are, what your strengths are. You need to be basically confident in your body. You need to be confident in your space. And that means that you also need to be vulnerable sometimes. And vulnerability is actually a big part of being confident, I think. And I think that that sort of caricature is actually all opposite to that. It's more...
no matter what, I'm going to be showing that I know everything and I'm most confident person in the room, which I think is actually the opposite and it signals something that this person most likely has some sort of insecurity most likely. And I think it's actually a detractor for many people to interact with this kind of personality. And so that's, I think it's a really good point you're making around kind of what confidence is and how you can develop it. I think it's really more about introspection.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (24:00.31)
and really evaluating yourself on a balance of, okay, you I'm maybe really good at these things, but I'm actually really not so great at this and I'm okay with that, or I need to work on them. And also just being comfortable in your environment and your body. think it's also another part of it because I know a lot of people are insecure about some parts of their body or like I can relate myself because like obviously I don't have a lot of hair. And I remember I had for a long time, I had
a lot of insecurities with regards to like baldness and all that stuff and limited my ability to do it myself. started when you were relatively young. Yeah, when I was like 17, 18 years old. You can imagine growing up with that sort of insecurity and then people pointing at you with a finger, right? And I feel like that affected me in many ways. And that's actually what I think was part of the reason why I wasn't as confident, right? And in my body and kind of like, can I actually succeed in, you know,
in relationships and things like that. But I think once you acquire that you understand that this actually not the most important thing and actually you have to be okay with that and embrace it, then you unlock a path for yourself. You're like, okay, I actually can do things. And you realize that confidence is not just about physical appearance, it's about how you feel and how you carry yourself in other ways. So think those are really important things to consider. Yeah. Yeah. And actually it's interesting because
If you're watching this and thinking like, well, do I have too much confidence? Do I have not enough confidence? You know, I think that just talking about how you show up in a room and having a healthy amount of vulnerability or being comfortable with a healthy amount of vulnerability, right? I think that actually you can probably determine based on your relationships around you and the quality of the relationships around you. So whether you're.
a manager, you're not a manager, you're friends. I think that if people are willing to be vulnerable with you as well, I think it's a good sign that you're coming across yourself as confident but also comfortable with vulnerability. And that's huge. That's huge. Because I think that a lot of times, especially like in work culture,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (26:19.662)
you know, the idea of confidence and what is a manager, what leadership position, there's a lot of intimidation, not in, not necessarily intentional intimidation, but there is that idea of, you know, being intimidated by the boss, being intimidated by whoever is in that leadership position. But in reality, if, you yourself are in a leadership position, I would ask you to ask yourself, right.
Do I feel like people are presenting a healthy level of vulnerability with me in their times of need, right? Or trying to understand something or asking questions, right? Not vulnerability as in like emotional vulnerability necessarily, but just, you know, not being honest about not knowing something, being okay with asking, clarifying questions. And that goes for, you know, relationships, personal relationships as well.
Well, I think there is a parallel actually to that. So you can think about confidence on the spectrum, right? There is a healthy confidence and then there is a toxic confidence. And I think the toxic confidence, there are some symptoms of whether the culture is toxic and it's actually coming from the toxic confidence. It's this idea of fear culture, for example, where if you, as a leader, the only thing you hear is everything is great.
you know the most, you are the best, everything decision you're making is the greatest decision ever. It can be a pretty strong red flag that most likely you are not projecting the right things to your organization and to your team because they are afraid to give you the actual feedback, they're afraid to speak up. Because nothing's ever perfect. Exactly. And so I think that is the sign most likely of more like toxic confidence.
for whatever reason, maybe it's a behavioral thing, maybe it's something else. I think on a positive side, as you said, a positive confidence is where you have a culture where people can actually unlock themselves and they can speak up and they feel free and they feel themselves and they feel that they can be vulnerable and they can be also honest with yourself as a leader. I think that is the sign that you are likely doing something right and that people are trusting that you will be open to basically be the
Pilar Lyutfalieva (28:42.766)
right leader for them in terms of opening that culture and creating a culture more of innovation and ideas rather than fear. And I think that's really important. Yeah, 100%. And I think from say to the relationship still, that actually is a very good barometer when you have a family where, you know, maybe you have a figure that is creating that sort of fear, and instead of the support environment, I think you can also probably apply similar kind of
framework to a family or to any relationship. yeah. mean, just the other day we were talking about how, you know, I was telling you that a group of friends are going to be getting together on Sunday and you kind of joked and you were like, that's nice for them. And I just started laughing and I was like, can you imagine if we were one of those couples where like one, like somebody's like honestly scared of asking the other person,
in the relationship, like if it's okay for them to do something, right? I'm like, I can't imagine that. And you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. It was really funny. But it is one of those things where, yeah, if there's fear in the relationship, I think, to be honest, to be fair, right? Like I think,
I tell people don't get bummed out when your relationship doesn't work out because nine out of 10 relationships, realistically, if you're looking at a don't work out. That's how they're designed. You're not designed to just only be with one person, right? Or yeah, like for the rest of your life, you're going to be like, something here doesn't match, right? Because being intimate with someone is like a full, you know, multi-dimensional experience.
And so, but we're used to, and sometimes we trick ourselves into normalizing, okay, like being in a relationship means that sometimes I'm going to be uncomfortable and I just need to watch what I'm going to say. Which, you know, there's one thing about being mindful, it's another thing when there's fear. And I was actually listening to this really interesting podcast this morning, it was talking about fear and fear is actually worry.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (31:02.538)
Like what are you actually worried about? And in a relationship, it's so important that you're not worried about like, am I gonna lose this person? Is person gonna lose respect for me? Is this person not gonna love me anymore? Is this person gonna change? Is who I am, do I have to be worried about who I am affecting this relationship? And yeah, I just think that's a huge, it's so important.
And it's interesting with applying it to work, right? Because it's not necessarily a long-term relationship, especially in a lot of industries. You're talking about normal turnover of like one to five years, right? So how do you express yourself in a healthy way and be vulnerable in a healthy way without being worried that it's going to reflect poorly on your, your position? Well, it's the whole idea of
the fear culture versus a more feedback and open culture where people can be themselves and they can be innovating and taking risks without fear of being reprimanded, right? I think that's kind of where companies that are doing it right and the leaders who do it right, they generally have a much more productive, engaged team and organization versus if it's kind of
fear-based, generally see a drop in productivity or higher turnover rates, or just generally people being less engaged and happy in their work and more as a job. And not so much, they are not willing to go the extra mile to innovate and create something maybe unexpected, right? Which I think is really important in this world where there's so much competition between companies and so on. So I think all of this is like a really good threat in terms of
good leadership versus maybe bad leadership. And I think a lot of these things can be parallelized to real life and how you can be a good partner, a good father, a good friend, things like that. A good family member, yeah. Yeah, not one to one necessarily, but I think a lot of the mindset pieces are very similar. Because say if you are, as a leader, open to feedback, generally speaking, not just in your...
Pilar Lyutfalieva (33:29.664)
in your desires, but in your actions, generally speaking, that you would be also most likely to be a better partner, because then the your partner would be able to give you feedback and have a great communication with you. And you can improve as a result of that, which then leads to healthy relationships. That person actually I found in my own journey, professional journey, I found that I was very green when I started and I actually was very kind of close to feedback and very defensive.
But as I progressed, realized how important this to self-improvement and that continuous evolution as a human and as a professional. And then certainly translated into me being more confident when it comes to relationships as well, because I felt like people were more open to partnering with me, to be in relationship with me, to be friends with me. I think that's certainly a huge factor in relationships as well. Absolutely. I mean, I've told you that, you know, one of your greatest strengths is
how well you're able to take feedback. I don't know if I can say the same, I don't think I can, about myself. But you're incredible at taking feedback. And I think that on the whole leadership piece and how it translates to relationships, you have to be a leader.
in your own life. So in a lot of ways it is very, it is very translatable. If you look at it from the, from the perspective of you're in charge of your life, you're the CEO of your own life, of your own success, of your day to day, right? You're your, you're your own manager. You're the only person who's responsible for your success.
and for the creation of whatever it is that you want to make happen and materialize in your life, you have to be the visionary of that truth. And so if it's in individual relationships, if it's action items, if it's your routine, if it's whatever, right? Like you have to assume responsibility just as a CEO would assume responsibility for their company.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (35:51.118)
or a manager assume responsibility for their team? Yeah, absolutely. Plus one. I love that. So in the company of our family, would you consider yourself the CEO or the president or? I don't know exactly the difference. I don't either. What is the difference between a CEO? I guess CEO is more like
I think I'm a co-founder. I like that. I think I'm a co-founder. I think the other co-founder is on this call. we are the co-founders. And I think we share many roles. I think it's in a family unit, I think it's always about wearing multiple hats. One day you are the CEO, another day you are the janitor.
You need to be flexible. I think, you know, I think in our case, for important decisions, we always have a lot of communication and we are true like core CEOs in that that regard. But in terms of like just the long term vision, we're definitely co founders because we are building this as a long term enterprise for decades to come. And I think our visions are pretty aligned. So yeah, I would describe it that way.
Smart. That's very smart. That's the co-founder. Wow, baby. That was really good. I love that. That's why they paid me the big bucks, babe. That is true. That is also very true. And one more thing that I want to talk about because I think it's very relatable, especially in these times.
30 years ago, this isn't our parents' generation. I think that it's interesting to talk about your experience coming into a relationship with someone who already had a child. Yeah, definitely. I think that was a big adaptation for me and it was a big...
Pilar Lyutfalieva (38:14.56)
learning experience and still is to be honest to this day. I think that generally I was growing up especially in my 20s and my 30s as a fairly like I was on my own and I always catered to my own needs and to my own wants all the time and it was even having a partner was hard because I had to kind of always balance what I wanted to do versus what we wanted to do or the person I was with wanted to do.
And I think when we came to this relationship, and you're having Rafa, it was definitely a big adjustment for me because I didn't know fully how to interact, to be, you know, how to share how to think about like even, you know, things like just, you know, shared responsibilities and shared finances and shared space. Those things were really challenging for me because I was coming from
basically being single to being now with someone who had kind of like a family already and we didn't get to build it and set it from scratch together. It kind of semi in the progress stage already. So it was very interesting. But overall, I think what really made it work for us was this idea of again, aspirations, common goals. And I think that allowed me to see things and be more flexible, just like being more flexible because I'm very
regimented, I'm very routine based, I'm very organized. And I the biggest adaptation for me was this idea that things are always dynamic and then change and influx. And when you have a kid, things will be even more influx and change. And I just had to make a leap of faith initially to say, I'm going to commit to this. I'm going to try this for several months. And if it doesn't work, then doesn't work. But if it works, I think it's going to be amazing, has a potential to be incredible.
And thankfully, the latter scenario played out where I think I built, I started to build a great relationship with Rafa. We connected obviously very well and we started kind of building something together. And I think now six years later, I feel that, you know, I have a son now because he is, we are so close together and we have a very special relationship that is different from the one you have with him. And, and I feel this was really worth it now.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (40:42.81)
But certainly at the beginning it was the first year and the first year, the first two years, they were hard. mean, it's still hard to some extent, but it's a lot easier now. So I would say it was just a journey of adaptation to being first a person who is coming to a family unit rather than building it from scratch. Second, becoming a father figure for almost a preteen, right? Which I think is very different than, you come in
and you had a newborn because you get to kind of build that life together, right? And I think it was a big, you know, big interesting journey, but I think it made us all better as a result. And certainly I feel a lot more equipped to be a father now than, you know, than I was six years ago. So yeah, and thank you for that. I think it was a, it was a very, very cool and enriching experience for me personally. I hope as well for us as a family.
Yeah, I'm gonna try to not get emotional talking about this, but yeah, I mean, it takes time. I think that that's something that a lot of people need to understand is that time component. And then it is difficult with older kids. And that was something that you and I talked about a lot was just kind of like the fact that, like Rafa's brain is not fully developed.
Right? Like, and it's different building a relationship with an adult than it is building a relationship with a child than it is with a preteen, like you said. So there's a lot of misconception. on the, on the author, can say, you can think, well, this kid's talking to me. We're having a conversation. They understand more right then, then, but the reality is that they don't.
They actually still have a very limited view on life. They still have very limited experiences, very limited emotional range or self-awareness in that emotional range. That was something that we had to work through in the beginning was just like, how do you talk to me versus how do you talk to Rafa and realizing that those are different kinds of conversations. It's not always obvious what kind of conversation needs to have.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (43:05.758)
happened from the child's perspective, you know? Yeah, for sure. No, it was a kind of life-changing experience for me in many ways. And I think that the part that made it really difficult and frustrating was that we had a very different like lifestyles in a sense. And like I couldn't, I just couldn't understand certain things, why they were happening.
And like, why is everything so disorganized? Why is... Which I need to tell people, okay? Our definitions of disorganized are like very different in the sense that, yes, disorganized, but when you think disorganized, you're like things are not in their place. Things are happening last minute.
Why are things happening last minute? And that was a whole thing that we had to kind of onboard you on was like having a family. There's like 80 % of the things are going to be last minute. Yeah, that was a big one. Then the other one was just why is, you know, Rafa is doing the same thing that is wrong so many times in the road. Why is it taking him so long to realize you're not supposed to do it that way? Yeah.
So things like that, but I think over time it just kind of worked out because first of all, think Rafa grew so much and I think I was also happy to see my influence in that, which is super awesome. Which I think what fathers are here for is to really set up their kids for success and be that figure of inspiration and also support, but also sometimes being a little bit harsh when you have to be.
It was a really cool journey from that perspective. I feel like we're definitely now in a position where it's so healthy in terms of a relationship. And I feel like it was just a learning experience for me just to go from the first time we met and started living together and all that to now where I feel we are true family. And that is part of the long-term project of Enterprise.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (45:25.486)
Pilar and Sarc family or whatever you call it. Yeah, totally. And it was a huge learning curve for me, because here I am, I'd been a single mom for like 10 years. But like in the extreme, where I had help from my family when Rafa was first born. But as soon as I was finishing my degree,
And as soon as I finished my degree, know, Rafa was like a year and a half or something. And I immediately moved. I moved to where I had no friends or family. And then I moved again to another place, no friends or family, moved again, no friends or family. So I was really used to like being the creator of our destiny and really controlling tone and time and environment. And it was my, it was, I was in mi salsa.
Right? Like as we say in Spanish, like, I was definitely like, felt really comfortable. And when I talked to people about having been a single parent, I'm like, I loved it. Like, I loved it. Are you kidding me? I could make so many poor decisions and nobody judged me. Nobody was like, you know, what are you doing? You know, I was working, I was a total workaholic. I worked way too much. Rafa would, you know, come to the office with me after hours and fall asleep on the, on the carpet. Right? Like there was just so many things that like a normal.
couple, they would be like, what are you doing that's crazy, right? Like you're not being responsible or you're not thinking about your child. But we also made it. It hardened him. It hardened him, exactly. To me, I was doing not just the best I could, but I was being a really good influence on him in terms of showing him certain ethics and values. And again, control, right? I was the controller of everything.
And it also really strengthened our relationship with each other, which was also a form of control. I see all of those things now. And I think that that's something that we do out of protection. Single parents, when we're in that mode or when we're in a matriarchy or, in reality, it's a point of pride for, think, a lot of us because we feel like we can be protectors and we can be esteemed protectors.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (47:49.23)
You know, our children think that we're little gods, right? So it's like there's a whole sort of ecosystem that we kind of create for ourselves in order to protect ourselves. And I certainly didn't have an issue dating people, but introducing people to my son was obviously like, I was really clear, you know? And a lot of that was around obviously finding the right people, what mindset was I in, and just being really honest about all those things.
And then when you came into my life, right, it was this, it was very clear, like we have, again, those values, the communication style, there was so much that we didn't feel like we had to work out because we had those values that was huge, that really informed a lot. So even when there was disconnect, even when there was those moments of like, what the hell is this? Even if it was like really off-putting at first,
It was, we knew how to talk to each other and talk through it and how to, again, fill in those knowledge gaps to come to like a peaceful resolution and a compromise. But for me, it was really difficult just like giving power over to somebody, but also as a single mother, not just a single parent, but as a single mother, the tone is very different when you're the only parent.
You can be strong, you can be like a very strong female, but you're influencing the way you're talking, the way all of these things, it more has a feminine quality to it, right? And when someone comes in and now they demonstrate more masculine qualities, for me, that was very difficult. And you- I remember.
Yeah. And while, you know, I'll still say that there was definitely a compromise we did realistically have to make because of, you know, tone and of course, understanding like how does a child's brain work and what's actually an effective way to talk to a child. The reality is that just overall, foundationally, you just have a more masculine tone. And that was something that I had to kind of relinquish control on that
Pilar Lyutfalieva (50:10.36)
there will now be balance in the house. And so we had to, so I had to learn how to invite balance while also keeping that open door for feedback, right? And you would even give me the feedback of like, well, you're always really soft with him, which I had never considered myself soft with Rafa. But when I saw how you would communicate with him and how you would put expectations on him,
There I was soft. would always have an opportunity for conversation, always an opportunity to, you know, for there to be a better understanding. Whereas you would be like, no, you either did it or you didn't do it. And if you didn't do it, you know, and I would always think, yeah, like I do that too. I'm just better at communicating. I would tell myself these stories, right? When in reality, it was just that it was a different style and I had to learn that. And that was, so I'm really grateful.
for that because I didn't realize that that was something that I needed to work on and trust the process. Which you know, you never told me that actually. It's the first time you're telling me. Yeah, I think so. In this this words. Yeah. And these words for sure. Yeah, that's true. No, I've definitely. Yeah. And I think it's something that we've naturally just I think it's part of the reason why we're
were successful now is because we have a really good balance in parenting structures. But yeah, it's possible. So anybody out there who's like, you know, either a single parent or in the, you know, a single non-parent and you're older and you're realizing like, wow, everybody's got kids. Like, hope this helps you. If it helps any person that's a...
Objective achieved. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, totally. So yeah, is there anything you would like to add me a more So to all my fans and subscribers No, thank you. It was fun. It was fun. I Really enjoyed the conversation. It's almost like having conversation in the kitchen just the more formal
Pilar Lyutfalieva (52:37.366)
Yeah, I love it because we do. have a lot of these types of conversations. daily podcasts, basically. We do. And I'm always thinking, I'm like, I need to record this. I should be recording this conversation because we have really good conversation. So that's just basically saying that this isn't going to be the last time you're on. OK, good. Sounds good. All right. If it gets five views, we're going to do another one.
I love it. You're definitely the YouTube pro. If it gets five likes, smash the like button and we're to do another one. Excellent. You're so much better at this because I'm just like, I'm like, whatever, it's fine. You're the YouTube pro. You consume a million times more content. Ungodly amounts of videos. Ungodly amounts of videos. This is true. All right. All right. I love it. Okay. Excellent.
Thank you everybody for watching, listening. And if you haven't already, please, yes, subscribe, hit that like button. And yeah, I hope you have an amazing day and I hope you find love, success and clarity in everything that you do. All right. Cheers everyone. Bye everybody.