Ladies Don't Talk Dirty. They Speak Delicately.

This week we’re calling out the myth that good women speak sweetly and never swear. From cussing to clear boundaries to telling the damn truth, this episode is about reclaiming your voice without polishing it down to make everyone else comfortable.

Music from #Uppbeat
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What is That's Not Very Ladylike?

That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.

Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.

Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.

Tracey: 00:13

You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. Welcome to another episode of That's Not Very Ladylike. Today, y'all, this month is spicy and I like it. I like spicy, not spicy food, but I like spicy content. But I always like to kind of open it when I'm when you're when you're talking about the things that ladies shouldn't be speaking on.

Tracey: 01:08

I want you to know, this does include some adult themes and language, but I'm not getting graphic. So if you've got children around, this might be one to put the headphones on for or maybe when they go down for a nap. But I also want to make sure when I'm talking about dirty talk in this episode, I am not just speaking about sex only. And what I'm considering dirty talk, especially does what some people think dirty talk is, is it saying what you want naming desire without softening it using direct language instead of polite language and letting your voice take up space. Because this this is about expression, not explicitness.

Tracey: 01:49

And as always, as always, when I talk about intimacy, desire, I'm talking about adult consensual relationships where safety, agency, and choice are present. So if this topic brings up anything for you curiosity, discomfort, resistance, all of that is welcome here. So let's talk about why women are taught to keep their words clean. In today's episode of Ladies Don't Talk Dirty, They Speak Delicately. And what I mean by that is we hint, we soften, and we dance around what we actually mean.

Tracey: 02:31

Because being direct, especially as a woman, has always been risky. So here's the rule women learn early and carry everywhere. Ladies don't talk dirty. We speak delicately. We don't say it straight.

Tracey: 02:46

We don't name it clearly. We don't let our words have weight. Because from the beginning, women are taught that language is dangerous when it comes from us. Not language that's kind, not language that's helpful, but language that's hungry, specific, blunt, embodied. So we begin to be taught to edit before we even speak.

Tracey: 03:15

Say it nicer. Say it softer. Say it in a way that won't land too hard. Say it so no one else feels uncomfortable. And eventually don't talk dirty.

Tracey: 03:27

It really stops being about sex at all. And it becomes, don't be obvious, don't be direct, don't say what you want without cushioning it, And don't sound like you know. So women learn how to communicate in suggestions instead of declarations. So they say, maybe, I'm not sure, it's fine, Whatever you think. When really what we want to say is, I want this.

Tracey: 03:55

I don't like that. Stop. Yes, exactly like that. And over time, delicacy becomes an armor that we put on. So dirty talk isn't always about being crude.

Tracey: 04:12

Sometimes people think dirty talk is when women are clear. It's the language of the body instead of the language of politeness. It's saying what's happening instead of hiding behind euphemisms. And it's letting desire have a voice without apologizing for its tone. And this shows up everywhere.

Tracey: 04:30

So women are taught to sanitize their words at work, in relationships, in friendships, in conflict. We soften statements so we don't offend. We pad truth so it doesn't upset someone. We downplay certainty so we don't seem aggressive. And we're taught to manage the emotional temperature of every room regardless if it costs you.

Tracey: 04:57

And that cost is connection. Because intimacy, emotional or physical, it requires truth. So long before dirty talk was sexual, it really was emotional honesty without manners. It's saying the thing you're not supposed to say. It's naming what you need without cushioning it.

Tracey: 05:19

And it's letting your voice sound frustrated, hungry, pissed, needy, intense without apologizing for the tone. Because women aren't just taught to keep sexual language clean. We're taught to keep emotions clean too. Don't sound angry, but also don't sound desperate. But also don't sound demanding.

Tracey: 05:41

Don't swear. It's unprofessional. I've got a whole y'all, I've already had some people telling me I cuss too much on the podcast, I'm like, well, then it's not for you. Don't raise your voice. It's aggressive.

Tracey: 05:57

So women learn to translate everything they feel into something more acceptable. And that translation process, it disconnects us from ourselves. So, want to give an example of what emotional dirty talk sounds like. So, I'm not okay with this. I'm angry, not confused.

Tracey: 06:19

I need support, not advice. This hurts, and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't. I don't want to be nice right now. I want to be honest. That kind of language is not pretty.

Tracey: 06:36

It's not polished and it doesn't always come out calm, but it's real. And real language is what creates intimacy. So when women aren't allowed to speak this way emotionally, they don't stop feeling it. Instead, we just learn to swallow it. So let's talk about cussing for a second because listen, women are policed hard around swearing.

Tracey: 07:04

A man who swears is passionate. A woman who swears is unhinged. But swearing isn't about being crude. It's about precision. And I'm sorry, sometimes in life, my friends, sometimes I'm frustrated doesn't cut it.

Tracey: 07:22

Sometimes it doesn't catch the attention that you are warranted because sometimes the most accurate sentence is, prepare yourself. I'm gonna do it. This is fucking exhausting. Cussing lets emotion move through the body instead of being stuck. It's not about shock value.

Tracey: 07:43

It's about honesty. And when women are denied that release, that language, emotion doesn't disappear. It turns inward. And I get it. Some of you right now are like, but Tracy, we don't need to use that language.

Tracey: 07:58

If it's not for you, I'm okay with that. But guess what? It's really for me. And it's really gotten the attention and it's really accentuated what I was asking for. So let's just pause with it there because this girl loves a lot of cuss words.

Tracey: 08:17

I am so monitored and reigned back in on this. I mean, you heard me in real life, you'd be like, this girl is a what's that saying? Worse than a sailor. So now let's bring this back into relationships. Talking dirty in adult consensual relationships, that's all about permission.

Tracey: 08:33

So it's being the permission to say to your partner, I want you. That feels good. I don't like that. Slower. More.

Tracey: 08:45

Stop. So dirty talk in relationships is really just direct communication without any shame. And here's what a lot of women were never told. You are allowed to sound confident. You are allowed to sound needy.

Tracey: 08:59

You're allowed to sound bold. And you're allowed to sound like you know what you want. And yes, you are allowed to use grown ass language to say it. Swearing doesn't make you crude. Directness doesn't make you aggressive.

Tracey: 09:14

And wanting does not make you inappropriate. It makes you present. So y'all know I've always got a story. And this one, y'all. Oh, my life sometimes.

Tracey: 09:28

It's really I enjoy. I've had the best life. I really have. So I have a story to tell you because it perfectly captures what we're talking about. So like many women right now, I discovered the whole genre of spicy books.

Tracey: 09:43

I love to read. I try to read about 150 books a year. And because I love to read, I mean, just I always have. And then I learned about spicy books. And that's what they're actually called.

Tracey: 09:54

So if all of you are like, I've never heard of this girls prepare yourselves. It's it you're going have some hot flashes of a different nature. And they're being published left and right right now. And you know the ones I'm talking about is that strong female lead. There is a slow burn until suddenly that it is not so slow anymore and it is explicit.

Tracey: 10:16

And I'm listening to one while I'm at work because I mean, that's what unladylike ladies do. I got to work and get in my spiciness. So my headphones are in, I'm minding my own business. I'm doing my job like a responsible adult. Except y'all, we got to the part in the book and it was getting hot.

Tracey: 10:35

And I'm like, okay, let me refocus. Let me refocus. That's how hot it was. And then I did the thing you never want to do. I powered up my laptop.

Tracey: 10:45

And then apparently Bluetooth without my consent, without my permission, without even saying disconnecting, my laptop decided, Oh, you want to hear this for the whole office? Suddenly, the audio switches to my laptop and off of my headphones. And now a very explicit, very confident, very adult scene with some truly excellent dirty talk is now playing out loud in my office and not quietly. Oh, no, it's loud. And I am scrambling.

Tracey: 11:19

I am panicking. I'm trying to find the volume button that I always know where it is, but not in this moment. I am clicking every button but the right one. And meanwhile, I know who's sitting right next door to me. So these two women that I adored working with sat next to me.

Tracey: 11:38

And these girls, these girls, oh my gosh, I admired them so much because they were like this new revolution of womanhood. And I was like, yeah, they did so much that I never allowed myself to do as a young woman. And I just loved them. They were such smart, capable, lovely humans. And then I'm thinking as this is happening, this is it.

Tracey: 11:59

This is I'm going to get fired. I'm getting fired. And then I'm going to become a not only a new policy in the handbook, but I'm a cautionary tale on like every HR podcast out there. So finally, I get the volume down. And I just sit there frozen.

Tracey: 12:14

And then I'm like, I think I think I made it. And then there's a knock on my door. And I was like, Yeah, come on in. And one of the girls comes in that sit sat next to me. And she is smiling so big.

Tracey: 12:28

And she goes, Hey, and I'm not going to name them because I haven't asked if they want to be a part of these stories. But she's like, Hey, the the other chick, she's too embarrassed to come over. So she sent me. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing in my office?

Tracey: 12:43

What can I help you with? And she looks at me and says, girl, I didn't know you liked spicy books. And before I could deny it, before I could lie, she goes, I listened to some while I work too. And y'all, I died. I died.

Tracey: 12:57

We both did because she knew what she heard. I knew what we heard. We both knew what happened in that moment. And it was hysterical to me. Was like, okay.

Tracey: 13:09

I did learn my lesson. But I mean, I still listen to those books at work. I'm not going to tell you I suddenly was like, I won't do that again. No, but I just made sure before I powered up my laptop again to pause the book. So see, I just got wiser.

Tracey: 13:22

I didn't stop the behavior. But here's the thing that I want to I want to look at and talk about here is this wasn't the first time in my life that I have been told that I need to clean myself up. I mean, the name of my podcast came about because I have heard so many times in my life that's not very ladylike. You don't have to be so intense. You know, you'd be easier and a lot more people would like you, Tracy, if you softened your tone.

Tracey: 13:55

And y'all, I tried. I tried so many times. I tried being quieter. I tried being nice. I tried to find the acceptable way to say something.

Tracey: 14:07

And you know what happened? Y'all, this took me years to unpack, and I'm not gonna lie to you, it still shows up sometimes. I'm getting better. But what really happened to me is I started to feel smaller. I didn't feel alive anymore, and I didn't feel like myself.

Tracey: 14:27

And so suddenly, when people are telling me how my tone, my words, all of that, and how it's undesirable, I just couldn't do it anymore. Because here's the thing I want us to reframe and think about. The right people don't need you to sanitize yourself to be lovable, and the right people aren't scared of your words. And the right people will not confuse direct with dirty or honest or hostile. And anyone who needs you to quiet your voice, clean up your language, or shrink your presence so they can feel comfortable, these are not your people.

Tracey: 15:12

And in that moment, it showed me exactly why this rule exists that ladies don't talk dirty. We have to speak delicately because delicate women are easier to manage. Dirty mouthed women, man, we are a lot harder to silence. And I decided a long time ago if my voice makes someone uncomfortable, that's information and that's all it is. Period.

Tracey: 15:37

Full stop. And so the emotional cost of being delicate is when women are taught to keep their language clean, polite, and delicate. We're not allowed to talk about anger, desire, urgency, appetite. We start second guessing our tone for everything we've said instead of just saying things like, was that too much? Did I say it wrong?

Tracey: 16:01

Should I have softened it? We eventually we just stop saying it at all. And those are usually the moments when you need women to say it and say it loud. So the historical reality that we don't talk about and for a long time, and I mean very recently in human history, women didn't just get judged for how they spoke, they got punished. So if a woman spoke too loudly, if she used explicit language, if she talked about desire, anger, or dissatisfaction, if she swore or challenged or refused to soften, she wasn't just called unladylike.

Tracey: 16:40

She was labeled things like unstable, crazy, unfit, hysterical. And unfortunately, my friends, those labels, they came with real consequences. There were entire periods of history where a husband I learned this. This was like back in the 1920s, my friends. That's not that far back.

Tracey: 17:01

There were entire periods of history where a husband and in some cases a male family member could have a woman committed to a mental institution simply for being difficult, which typically meant outspoken, sexual, or noncompliant. And she could not sign herself out. She could not challenge that decision, but she certainly could be medicated, isolated, and silenced. And if she was lucky enough to leave, she learned a very valuable lesson. Quiet is what keeps you safe.

Tracey: 17:36

And women weren't punished just for behavior. They were being punished for expression. A woman who spoke plainly about her needs was dangerous. A woman who cursed was immoral. A woman who talked openly about desire, that's untrustworthy.

Tracey: 17:51

So society drew a very clear line. Respectable women are polite, restrained, and silent. Everything dirty, desire, appetite, bold language was pushed elsewhere. And guess what? That made a whole market, and that market was called mistresses.

Tracey: 18:09

Because mistresses, now they were allowed to be sexual, expressive, explicit, loud, unfiltered. Wives, you are to be proper, calm, pure, contained, and quiet. You couldn't be both. And dirty talk didn't disappear. It just got outsourced to a certain type of woman.

Tracey: 18:35

So even though most of us aren't at risk of being institutionalized today, not 100% you notice I didn't say ever, there's always still a chance that fear That fear has not vanished. It's been inherited. We have passed it down generation to generation because it shows up when we worry, are we going to sound crazy for being emotional? Or we apologize for speaking? We soften anger so it doesn't sound threatening.

Tracey: 19:00

And we censor our language even in intimate spaces. Because somewhere deep in our nervous system, the message still lives on speaking too freely is dangerous. So we police ourself long after the laws have changed. And this isn't about blaming the past, it's about understanding why so many women feel fear in their throat when they want to speak plainly, why cussing feels rebellious, why naming desire feels risky, and why dirty talk still feels taboo. And it's because silence was once enforced, and our bodies still remember that.

Tracey: 19:39

So if we were allowed, if this was allowed to be said, not the polished version and not the version he'd say in public, this is what it would sound like. Even if it's just internally, it might sound like I'm done making myself easier to digest. I don't want to be managed. I want to be heard, which really means stop translating me and stop fixing me. This matters to me, and I'm not going to soften it anymore.

Tracey: 20:09

Basically, I'm not adding disclaimers, so you stay comfortable. I want what I want, and I don't owe a nicer tone for it to count. I'm allowed to sound angry, hungry, certain, or fed up. These emotions don't make me unstable. They make me honest.

Tracey: 20:26

And I don't need to earn the right to speak plainly because I already have it. So let's do a reflection and wrap up today. Instead of asking yourself, am I allowed to talk like this? Can I do dirty talk? I want you to just sit with these questions.

Tracey: 20:45

Where in my life did I learn that being polite mattered more than being truthful? And who benefited when I softened my words or stayed quiet? And what emotions have I learned to sanitize before they leave my mouth? Where am I still translating my truth into something more acceptable? And what would it feel like to let my words come out the way they actually feel?

Tracey: 21:14

And if you're starting to feel a tight jaw, you're if starting to feel a little bit of a shallow breath, the urge to laugh or sudden irritation, it's because your nervous system is recognizing some rules that you may not have realized are living inside you, rules that once kept women safe. But there are rules that no longer get to decide how we live. So here's what I want to leave you with. Women didn't learn to speak delicately because it was virtuous. We learned it because for a very long time it was safer.

Tracey: 21:46

It was safer to soften, smile, and clean up your language and tuck your needs away. And it made sense. It made sense back then. But safety that requires you to disappear, that requires you to swallow your truth, manage everyone else's comfort, and second guess your own voice, that's not safety. It's just silence with better manners.

Tracey: 22:09

So I want you to know you're allowed to say what needs to be said. You're allowed to swear when the moment calls for it. And you're allowed to name what you want emotionally, relationally, and intimately without apologizing for how it sounds. And you are not unstable for being direct. You are not inappropriate for being explicit, and you are not too much for letting your words carry weight because it is your damn right to speak plainly, stop translating yourself, and let your voice sound like you.

Tracey: 22:40

And choosing to speak anyway, even when your voice shakes, even when it's sharp, and especially when it's not pretty, that's not dirty. That's you reclaiming yourself. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice.

Tracey: 23:17

And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.