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In this shiur, Rav Dov Ber Cohen teaches on the inner experience of katnus — the spiritual state of smallness and disconnection that visits every sincere person on the path of avodah. Rather than trea
The Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Podcast explores Jewish mindfulness, emotional mastery, relationships, and real inner avodah.
In each shiur, Rabbi Dov Ber shares practical Torah wisdom for navigating anxiety, deepening connection, strengthening emunah, and living with greater presence and purpose.
Rooted in Chassidic depth yet grounded in everyday life, these teachings are experiential, honest, and transformative.
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All right, so we're talking about katnus, katnus, why are we talking about katnus? Because we're in the nine days, and the nine days is where we feel a bit disconnected. And we said feeling disconnected is a good thing because if you're feeling disconnected it means there's a relationship that you want. So if you don't want a relationship and you don't have it, you don't feel disconnected. So the fact that we feel disconnected is a very very positive wonderful sign. So katnus is a good thing overall. What does katnus mean? katnus means that well let's read it inside... no. We said that katnus means that sometimes we feel very connected and very alive and full of vitality and we're davening well and life just feels good, that's called gadlus, expanded consciousness and connection. And then there's something called katnus which is I just feel disconnected, I can't daven very well, I'm just not full of vitality anymore. And many people think that katnus, this disconnection is getting in the way of my spiritual work, is getting in the way of my relationship with Hashem. But really our sages teach us no, that is your spiritual work. That shows how committed you are to the relationship. That's when my wife and I feel deeply connected to each other and it's full of love and joy, that's amazing, we appreciate that, but when we don't, which is gonna happen, that actually shows do we have a real relationship? Can we still communicate? Can I still show up with a smile and nice words? So katnus is actually where true spiritual avodah takes place. And it's gonna happen all the time. וצריך להבין מהי מטרת הקטנות. What's the purpose of katnus? We said that Hashem sometimes just takes it away. You know we read that piece of Reb Nachman together, tinyana mem ches, which says that every time that we feel distant spiritually, and especially when we're really trying, you know, I think I'm looking around the room, I think most people are kind of trying to connect, but often we just don't feel connected. And sometimes it feels a bit unfair. It's like we're being pushed away. But Reb Nachman says no, all feeling of distance is actually a beckoning. It's a beckoning for let's up the level, let's tap in a little bit more, let's try, let's start yearning, let's start building the relationship. So what is the purpose of katnus? And מה הם דרכי העבודה בזמנים אלו? And so how do we deal with these times? ואיך נוכל לבנות מימים אלו? And how can we actually build ourselves? We gotta build ourselves in these days. When we're feeling great, that's not a time of building actually. When you're feeling great it's a time of experiencing and appreciating and enjoying. And then when we're not feeling great, that's a time of building. That's where we build ourselves. We build ourselves when we're challenged. katnus means getting small? Pardon? katnus literally means smallness. But spiritually katnus means a feeling of disconnect. להגיע למה שהשם יתברך רוצה להביא אותנו. Hashem wants to bring us somewhere, he's taking us somewhere. There's a journey we're going on and Hashem is trying to bring us on that journey. כי באמת הצורה בה אדם מתמודד עם ימי הקטנות היא מכריעה את כל הצלחת עבודת חייו. So really in truth, the way that you handle these experiences, that really determines your success in your avodah in general in your life. You are basically judged on who you are in crisis kind of. In what? I said crisis. It was a bit intense, but in challenge, in discomfort. Who you really are comes out when you're challenged. When you're not challenged and you're in the flow, which is wonderful, that's wonderful you should do that, but who you really are, how strong the relationship really is, is when the challenge comes, when the challenge hits. And that's where hatzlacha, success in avodah comes. Because we're really here to build. We're builders. We're builders, we're here to climb. Now it's very very wonderful to be at the top of the mountain and enjoy the view. But in Jewish wisdom it's the journey to get to the top of the mountain that is the main thing. And we actually also say there's no really getting to the top of the mountain because Hashem is infinite. Hashem is ein sof and we're finite. So it's a journey of going up and up with nice little peaks on the way. I used to do lots of hiking in the Himalayas. They're amazing. You climb up one mountain and you're like I'm at the top but then you see the whole Himalayas in front of you and you're like I'm small. And then you have to walk down again and up again and down and up. So that's what our life is like. So we got to expect that we're going up and we're going down. But how we deal with the ups... actually people who hike know that often it's the downs that are harder on your knees. I got bad knees. Hard on your knees. Anyway, whatever. Here we go. עניין הקטנות היא שאינו מרגיש בלב את מה שיודע בשכל. What does katnus mean? It's when you don't feel in your heart what you know in your mind. mind knows to be true. Don't feel it. Who here knows that Hashem is obsessed with them? Obsessed. Completely in love with you. Completely cannot stop thinking about you. Obsessed. Obsessed. Even when you do bad things. You speak lashon hara and you didn't say your brachos and whatever you think is so bad. Hashem is just obsessed with you. Who knows that? Everyone put your hand up right now. Who knows that in your head? Put your hand up now. Who feels that deeply and is bathing in the warm basking unconditional love of your father who loves you? Very few people, very few people. We just don't feel that. Shalom. Hi. So we say a posuk every day, some of us, three times a day, וידעת היום והשבות אל לבבך. You should know today. You should have awareness. You should be aware, you should know. But then you should take that awareness and integrate it into your experience. Have you integrated that awareness into your experience so you're living with that truth? You're living with the truth. In fact, at the beginning of Messillas Yesharim says יסוד החסידות ושורש העבודה התמימה הוא שיתברר ויתאמת אצל האדם מה חובתו בעולמו, which means at the beginning of all our spiritual work is to have deep deep yisbareir, clarity, veyisameis, make it true, veracity. Clarity is yisbareir, I know it's true, veyisameis is I'm living with that truth. I'm living with that reality. Who here knows that Hashem is right here right now surrounding us, all over, within our bodies, around our bodies, we're swimming in Hashem. Who knows that? In an immense, amazing divine light. You all know that, put your hand up. Put your hand up. Thank you. Who feels that? Only the women. I don't feel that. You feel that? It's like you should be able to feel so always cuddly and warm and full of vitality and yumminess. You should be walking, just walking around, oh it's nice. Feel, you know when you're underwater, maybe you're in the swimming pool, in the sea and then you put your hand through the water? And you can feel the water going across your hand. We should kind of do that with Hashem in the room, like you're swimming in Hashem. Who knows that we're swimming in Hashem now? We know that, but do we know that? Do we feel we've integrated that? We actually said in one of the classes last week that this is really the difference between emunah and bitachon. Emunah is more of an intellectual understanding. It's a belief. I have a belief that everything's for the best. I have a belief that no pain is meaningless. That's emunah. bitachon is I'm living with that, which means I'm not freaking out the whole time. Because if you really, you'd pass the test. If I gave you a multiple choice test: is everything good in the end, Hashem? You'd be like, A. A, no. B, maybe. C, sometimes. D, you'd get the right answer. But are you living with that? I.e., how angry do you get? Because if you get angry or jealous, if you get angry don't beat yourself up when I say this by the way, you're human, I'm human, chill out. But if you get angry or jealous it means you don't have bitachon. If you really had bitachon you wouldn't get angry and jealous. Separate class, you would still feel pain. Just have to keep saying that. Some people say when if I feel pain that doesn't that means I don't have real emunah. It's not true. Emunah, God bless you, doesn't get rid of pain. My father passed away aleiv hashalom. I have emunah. It meant to happen, it meant to happen how it happened, it meant to happen when it happened, but I still have pain. So pain isn't a stirra to emunah. Pain isn't a contradiction to emunah. Suffering we said is a contradiction. Suffering is the thought process why it's not fair, why me, shouldn't have happened, if it only it could have been different. That's suffering. So that is a bit of a stirra. That is a bit of a contradiction to true emunah and bitachon. But what we want to do is we want to start living with the reality. Oh my goodness, I was speaking to someone yesterday and she's had a difficult life. Very difficult life. And I was talking to her and I said do you believe in Olam Haba? And she said yes. And I said do you believe that really primarily you are a soul and you're only in this body for like 100 years? Everyone says 120, you don't want to be 120 years old. I don't care, I don't want to be 120. So do you believe that really you're a soul and this Olam Hazeh, this world world is a physical world, it's a very, very low world, a low physical world and it's basically meaningless apart from spiritual growth. The purpose of this world is spiritual growth. That's, so apart from spiritual growth it's meaning, it's kind of, and she goes yes and I know. And then she said, and I, why would Hashem do this to me and I'm, I'm in so much pain and I don't, I don't like Hashem but I don't. And I said to her in a nice way, having validated her emotions: you don't really believe in olam haba. And she's like, I do. I said: No, you don't really believe because in olam haba justice is done and healing is complete and joy and love are, are manifest. It is for everyone. You have the worst olam hazeh. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have the worst olam hazeh, but if you have the worst olam hazeh and you build some emunah and bitachon and you just keep struggling and you're, and you're trying, and olam hazeh being 100 years, you're going to experience the rest of all of eternity in immense bliss, God-consciousness. And maybe your suffering in your life that forced you into integrating emunah and bitachon means that your whole experience of reality for the rest of eternity will be better than all your friends who had the perfect life. Your friends had that, oh she's got what I want and I wish I had that life. Yeah but if they have what you want but they don't build emunah and surrender and trust and bitachon, then the Gemara calls it olam hafuch. It's an opposite world. The people who are high in this world are not so high in that world. So we just have different values. If you knew 100%, once again I don't think it takes away pain, takes away suffering, takes away why me, takes away what's Hashem doing? Hashem doesn't make mistakes, just by the way, Hashem doesn't make mistakes. So I believe there's olam haba, I believe I'm a soul. I believe, I speak to someone who, who had a sickness as well, physical sickness, and I say that's the body, the body is sick and that's very important, that's serious, but the soul is perfect, the soul is pure. Trauma, trauma doesn't touch your soul, your soul is beyond trauma. So once again, we have to be real with life and if you have trauma you have to go to trauma therapy and feel, I'm not saying don't do that, but there's a much, much, much higher spiritual reality that's going on. And the more you're tapped into that spiritual reality, for example, the Piaseczner Rebbe in the Warsaw ghetto going through the worst things you can't even, you can't imagine, you've read any Holocaust stuff and he's just speaking the most unbelievable Torah, the most yishuv hadaas, the most helping people, it's amazing. Not that I'm on his level, but just to understand that once you start integrating what you know to be true, then your life just takes a whole different, you're just living in a whole different reality now. And you all know this is all true, but we're in katnus. We're in and literally physically speaking the neshama is, is huge and the body is, it's hard for a soul to be in a body. It's very hard to deal with this world for the soul. The more sensitive the soul, the more struggle this world can be. So the whole of this world in a way is katnus, the whole of this world is galus, is exile. The neshama is in shamayim, is chilling with Hashem and suddenly it gets stuffed into this physical needy body ego thing, it's like what's going on here? And that's why the soul's yearning for mitzvot and loves music. The soul loves music because it knows that. The soul loves the music of the angels. The soul loves niggunim on Shabbat. And the soul loves meditation, soul loves quiet, soul loves quiet, solitude. The soul can't stand the constant scrabbling and rushing and sc- everyone's doing, it's like chill. Soul's very chilled. Chill, I want a bit of solitude, I just want to be on my own, I don't want to run around anymore. Yes. Is, what about crying? Is crying a way to get closer to Hashem? Is that a spiritual thing? It can be, it depends where it's coming from. A crying of despair is not a spiritual thing. A crying of yearning and pain and hope, that's okay, but a giv- we spoke about this yesterday. There's something called sadness and depression. We said, משנכנס אב ממעטין בשמחה. When Av comes in you should lessen your simcha, but you should still be besimcha and it doesn't say you should be sad. It doesn't say when Av comes in be sad. We don't say that. It says be, be more real with your pain, but not in a despair, broken way. So yearning, hope, and what was the other? I don't know, yearning, hope, and, yearning and hope are pretty good, I know. But we have... We have so much. We have Gagu'a, Tshuka, Cheshek. We've got lots of words for yearning in Hebrew. Very good. It's a very big thing we have because that's what we're yearning for. But most people, we said, are so consumerist, their body and ego are yearning so much, and they're just so focused on their physical and ego craving, and they're feeding it all the time that they don't make space for their spiritual craving. And that's why, and we said this yesterday, the world's very, very fake and superficial now. Just trying to get some kind of fake superficial, you know, everything's okay, I've got my needs taken care of, and it's like there's much, much more. עניין הקטנות הוא פירוד הראש מהגוף. The idea of Katnut is the separation of the head from the body. It really means from the heart. Rabbi Nachman and others said the biggest distance in the world is between your head and your heart. What you know to be true and what you're living with. Even anything, you know smoking is bad for you but you still smoke. You know going on social media after nine o'clock's bad for you, you still do it. Once again, don't feel bad, don't beat yourself up, just stop doing it. You know these things, you know eating that you shouldn't eat that, and you know that getting up early would make you feel better about yourself. You know loads of things. But is it part of you? For most people, not so much part of them. דהיינו שבזמן הקטנות הידיעה שאדם יודע בראשו אינם יורדת ללב להשפיע על הרגשות. What you know in these times of Katnut, smallness, what you know to be true in your head, אינה יורדת ללב להשפיע על הרגשות, doesn't come into your heart to have an influence on your emotions. In fact, there's lots of people who just don't really have emotions at all. I'm a British man, I can speak from experience. I don't have, I just can't deal with those, you know? I'll just, they just get in my way. I've got a lot to achieve. I don't have time for emotions and jet lag. I don't do jet lag. I just don't have time for jet lag. Everyone talks: I'm going to America and they're like oh well you're going that way flying that way, and I'm like no, no. I get up at this time, I do my thing, I go... וזה נקרא חסרון בדעת. This is called a lack of Da'at. Da'at, Da'at, my favorite word, your favorite, it's everyone's favorite. What does Da'at mean? On one level Da'at just means conscious awareness. What are you consciously aware of? Conscious awareness. Which means what's filling up your mind right now? What's in your mind? What are you thinking of? When you're walking down the street, what are you thinking of when you're walking down the street? That's your Da'at. So it's not what you know, that's Chochmah. It's not information, it's what's actually in your mind. So for example, what percentage of your mind space, of the real estate in your mind, is taken up with thinking of the wonders of creation? What is it today? Monday. So let's say the week started on Saturday night. Motzei Shabbat the week started and now it's Monday. What percentage of your thoughts were focused on the wonders of creation? Any? Hopefully maybe when you said some Tehillim, Pesukei D'Zimra, when it talks about the wonders of creation that would be good. Yeah. What about how much of your thoughts were how grateful you are that we have the land of Israel? Hopefully when you benched and you said the second Bracha of benching נודה לך השם אלוקינו על שהנחלת לאבותינו ארץ חמדה טובה ורחבה not real. What percentage of your thoughts were on what you're grateful for? So you've got to start thinking really what percentage of my consciousness is taken up with really uplifting wonderful things? Shalom, thanks, that's perfect, just there. Thank you. What percentage of your thoughts were taken up on how unfair life is? Don't answer that. What percentage of your thoughts were taken up on all the wonderful amazing things you appreciate about yourself? That'd be an amazing thing, imagine if you could fill, just be thinking... spend five minutes think about all the wonderful things about you. And some of you are sitting there like you don't know me, you don't know me. No, you do actually, you're probably okay. You're probably 85 percent good and 15 percent not great. But there's nothing bad. I don't think anyone in this room has any real bad. You have good and not great. So how much of your mind is spent on thinking wow I'm so I'm so I'm actually doing really well you know, I could be doing what most people do. The fact that you're sitting in a room trying to learn and grow puts you in the top 1% of people on the face of the planet. Really. I think you're amazing. I love you guys. Cool. So most people aren't filling their mind with this type of stuff. They're filling their mind with stuff that's actually not useful. What percentage of your thoughts would you say are useful? Not so much. So da'as, that's da'as. So you want to fill your mind. What are you filling filling your mind? I usually then say yishuv da'as is taking, filling your mind with the right thing and then bringing that into your heart. Veyadata hayom and you should have da'as today, you should fill your mind with the right thing. Vahashevosa el levavecha you should then arouse a feeling. But he's going to put them all into one. What is da'as? כי דעת הוא הכוח המחבר את השכל לרגשות. It is the power that brings together and connects your intellect and your emotions. Intellect and your emotions. Bringing them together. What I know to be true into my emotions. Vehama'asim bipo'al and then that comes out in your actions. ועל ידו משפיע המוח על הלב and in this way your mind can mashpia influence your heart. Which means it's very very very very very very important that your mind is good and healthy and positive because your mind's always going to affect your heart. Your thoughts are always going to create your emotions. So you need to learn to control your thoughts and positivize your thoughts. That's a good word. וקטן אין לו דעת. It says that a young kid why doesn't a katan, why isn't a katan chayav in mitzvot because he doesn't have da'as. So what does that mean? Bikatanus ein da'as. When you're in this feeling of despair and disconnection we don't have da'as. דהיינו אין חיבור בין המוח והלב. There's no connection between the head and the heart. וזה גורם גם שהמוח לא שולט על הלב. We have this idea in Judaism we got to be very very careful. This might be a bit male, so we got to be careful to see if it's your avodah, but in general we want the head to control the heart. Head to control the heart. What does that mean? One basic thing is that we don't make decisions based on our heart. Not a good idea. People say you know what my heart's just telling me this, my intuition is my intuition is telling me this but your intuition is going completely against what's rational and good for you. So don't let that. Now, once you've thought things out rationally and you say these are a few good options in front of me, then you can give it let your heart guide you. But if your heart is guiding you away from what is rational, I know unfortunately I know people in relationships they should not be in the relationship anymore. I've said this a few times, I'm an anti-shadchan. I've only made one shidduch, Baruch Hashem, my best friend when he was 44 years old, to my student, it was very cool and I was the Mesader Kiddushin, it was amazing. But I've split up several, which is equally as important, equally as important because you don't want to marry the wrong person and I'm like you shouldn't get married. But we've got people who are it's they love each other because of some but it's not enough it's... broke up with him before they... Yes, yes, yes. No, once you're married I try I don't want them to break up. Although there is something called geirushin, but no, before. Before, before. I've got people, I've got these people, basically their relationship is 90% struggle and 10% really amazing. And the beginning was really amazing so they have that reshimeh, they have that, you know it was so good and it was so I felt so excited and I knew this was the one, but from there the reality struck, I'm not giving a dating class, well I guess I am. Most people fall in love with a fantasy of who that person could be, but they're not. And you want them to be that person, this I want them to be that person and if that they're that person and by the way I'm that person because you have a fantasy of who you think you are as well, then we'll have this fantasy relationship and neither of you are that person and the relationship wouldn't be that relationship. So now it's got it's 90% struggle, struggle, pain and struggle and they come out and they're always there's a mess. But they have this deep love. It's not enough at that point. It's like it doesn't it's not working. And then they say no rabbi you have to work on your relationships. And I say yes, but not that much. 90% work? It's got to be 90% good and 10% work. I agree with that. But 90%... So I'm not sure why I'm telling you that. Oh yeah, because they're going with their heart, not their head. And but their heart's not even working for them, it's broke, their hearts are both broken now. But they've still got this kind of will, this attachment, and we, you know, we'll fight through this and I'm like don't do it, just don't. So, but we gotta get the balance because Judaism is all about the heart. The whole of Judaism is about relationship and relationship has got nothing to do with the head, it's all to do with the heart. So the heart is actually the most important thing. The heart is all about the heart. It's all about emotion and spirituality, but the moach needs to be sholet. So if you if you're emotionally something emotional happens, you can listen to your emotions but you have to filter them through your reason first. Say, I listen to, but is this actually a reasonable thing to do? I'm just going to do some crazy thing, you know, spontaneous, Yolo, Yolo, Rabbi. And I'm like dude, if Yolo, by the way we don't believe you only live once, so it's not even true. But most people when they say Yolo, you probably shouldn't do what you're about to do if you only live once. Yo, let's jump off this thing, Yolo. Well dude, if you only live once you probably should not be snorting that. I just I don't think that's a good idea. So you gotta you gotta have the balance. So, ובעיקר שהלב לא מרגיש את מה שהמוח מבין. Now here's another thing. Your heart is not rational. So you can't rationalize with your heart. This is my Rebbe's, my has got lots of amazing teachings, Bilvavi. How do you get what your head knows to be true into your heart? Because you can't reason with your heart. It's not like your head's logical. I know this is true, but your heart doesn't it doesn't care. It's like you're not talking my language. I don't understand that. So how do you get what's in your head into your heart? Hashem does love you unconditionally. How do you get that into your heart? You can't say, well, the Torah says that בנים אתם לה' אלוקיכם and why wouldn't, and any normal healthy father loves their children unconditionally, so that means God loves... it's like that's not doing it for my heart. So he says, well I put it together. He says that there are two things between your head and your heart. And that's your nose and your mouth, which means your breath and your speech. How do you get what you know in your head into your heart? You just keep saying it. Just keep saying it. So someone with anxiety if they just keep saying to themselves breathe deeply through their nose and keep saying to themselves, I'm sure it's going to be okay. And then their head and their heart and their system freaks out, it's not going to be okay, it's going to happen, I can't deal with this, and they can just keep breathing through their nose and basically self-soothe and just say it's going to be okay. What message are you sending to your system? I'm sure it's going to be okay. Hashem, you know the greatest way to start feeling that Hashem loves you? Just say as many times as you can, Hashem I know you love me. Just say it. Don't don't analyze it. Well, he doesn't really love me because... No, just keep saying Hashem I know you love me, Hashem I know you love me, Hashem. There's stickers I've seen all over the place say, say Hashem I love you. They're all around. I made stickers a while ago just Hashem I know you're here. I think that's the most important thing you can say, Hashem I know you're here. But I think we should put stickers saying Hashem I know you love me. I'm giving you homework. I want you to say to yourself 50 times a day Hashem I know you love me. And after like a year you'll start feeling that Hashem actually loves you. You can do that. Is anyone actually going to do that? No. Fine. But I think you should. Hashem I know you love me. Because it feels uncomfortable. It feel, I just said it, I felt a bit uncomfortable. Oh, Hashem I know you love me, feels uncomfortable. But that's because your heart and your head aren't together. So just keep saying Hashem I know you love me, Hashem I know you love me. Yes, please. I always say Hashem I love you too. That's nice. Hashem I love you too gets everything, because you're saying I love you and that's saying I love that. Sometimes I start to lift up, ah Hashem I love you more than anybody. Yes, I agree, you gotta pause and then וקטנות מתבטא בכל מיני צרות, לפעמים הקטנות גורמת לאדם שיהיה קשה לו ללמוד לת. So so once you're in this state of I don't feel that connected, I don't feel full of vitality, it can cause you to not feel connected to Judaism, you don't really feel like praying, you don't even feel like getting out of bed. ואף שיודע גודל חשיבותם, מכל מקום לימוד או תפילתם נעשה בקושי. Even though you know, look I know that it's important, I know it's important to take care of myself, I know it's important to eat well and to exercise, but it's just hard because I'm not feeling it. I know it's important to daven and to do mitzvot but... So what people at that point do, they freak out. There's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with Judaism. So we're saying davka the opposite. There's nothing wrong with you or Judaism, there are just times when you're not feeling it. So what's the avodah when you're not feeling it? What do you do at that point? Pardon? I was going to say Ben and Jerry's, but I'll go with that. ולפעמים אין לו מצב רוח. Oh, and sometimes you just don't have the mood, you just can't be bothered. I just can't be bothered. I just can't be bothered. be'ofen klali, in general, u'margish reik va'ra. I just feel empty and not great. ואז יש לאדם נטייה שלא להתייחס כראוי לאנשים שסביבו. And then your relationships in general, you can't be bothered with other people, I just want to be alone, leave me alone and that makes you feel worse and then we just get into this whole keeping ourselves down. We said in the introduction, I think two classes ago, that there's the nefila, there's the feeling, the fall. And then the worst thing is the fall from the fall, the nefila min hanefila. I'm bad, I'm wrong, I hate this, it's my fault, it's your fault, I'll always feel like this, I should be better than this by now. Stop. So we gotta remove that extra layer of judgment and analysis and just say I feel down now. The best avodah you can do when you're feeling down is to say I feel down now, that's all right. I feel down. I feel overwhelmed, that's okay. Be okay with feeling overwhelmed and then it's not so bad to feel overwhelmed. You don't get overwhelmed that you feel overwhelmed. גם לפעמים בזמני הקטנות מתגבר היצר הרע בכל מיני ניסיונות שכבר חשב שנגמרו. Sometimes in this spiritual state of katnus, the yeitzer hara then comes and gives you all these challenges that you thought you'd already left behind. It's like I thought I was beyond that by now. So the yeitzer is tricking you. Once again Rebbe Nachman says you think you've now fallen back because of this. Oh, this is proof I'm having the same challenges as I had before, I've fallen back. And Rebbe Nachman says no, you're about to step up. Because this time you can face them in a different way that you faced them last time. Hashem's basically said I'm giving you the same challenge not to say that you've gone backwards, I'm giving you the same challenge because now I believe in you that you can now go forward. That's what the nisayon's for, to make you get stronger. וזה משתנה מאדם לאדם. So it changes. Even in one day you can have all different tests and stuff. Remember we learned last week the idea of hitchadshus. Just start again. Your past doesn't define you at all. Even if you messed up every single time your whole life you had the same challenge and you messed up the same challenge twenty thousand times. Don't say well this is I know I'm gonna mess up next time, don't say that because you might not, you just might not. Next time might be the time you don't mess up. And then that next time you don't mess up you feel great and then you mess up the next time. That's okay. So you gotta believe that you can start again. You have to believe, you have to believe I can always start again. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to. And we said spiritually speaking it's because the soul goes up at night and that second you come down before all the past comes flooding back into your mind, you're completely new at that moment, blank slate for that moment. And that's why you immediately say Modeh Ani. I acknowledge myself. I acknowledge the ani. I acknowledge that I'm perfect and pure and can start again and I'm fresh. And then when the thoughts from the past come back in, you can just let them slide off you. Don't engage in them, don't identify with them. Just say no those were yesterday's thoughts. I'm not good enough, no that was yesterday's thought. I'm not doing that one today. I'm filling my mind with better thoughts now. Like no I can do it, I'm better than that. So stop taking your thoughts so seriously basically. Stop taking them so seriously. It's so significant, every thought is so significant. We're saying the opposite just let it slide off you. ושורש ועיקר הקושי היא התחושה שנכנסת באדם שכבר לא יכול להשלים את שאיפותיו ואת תפקידו. And then sometimes you get to the point where you're like you know what, I'm never gonna be that great. Everyone says you know what everyone can be a tzadik, amcha kulam tzadikim, you can do it, you can reach very high spiritual levels and tell us all these stories of these perfect tzadikim who didn't have any bitul Torah in their life and at a point you're like I'm just not ever getting there. And we say you don't need to you just do your journey, just go. You're fine. I don't I'm not gonna be the Baal Shem Tov or Rav Moshe Feinstein. In fact Rav Zusha says you're not meant to be them you're meant to be Zusha. I'm not even gonna be Rav Zusha, I'm just trying to be me and that's okay, that's okay. So don't give up. Because I don't think the goal of life is to be perfect. I think the goal of life is to be moving in that direction in a compassionate way. So you're doing pretty well. And once again, remember you're in the top one percent of great people on the face of planet because you're sitting here listening to me rant about whatever I rant about. I'll never get there. Who feels that, you know what, Judaism is so... there's so much and it's so hard. I'm just never going to get there. And every year, every year *Yom Kippur*, you're doing *teshuva* for the same things you did last year. Amazing. Yeah, I found every year I write a list of things I'm going to... and I have in my *machzor*, these are my real areas of *teshuva* this year in my *machzor* and I have a good... I love *Yom Kippur*, I do a good *Yom Kippur*. Then I'm coming up to *Yom Kippur*, *Elul* comes, I open my *machzor* and I see my list from last year and I'm like, I don't need to write a new list. It's just the same list again, *Baruch Hashem*. It's okay. That's okay. I'm still trying. I'm still... I don't give up at that point and say well, I'll never get there. I think there are two *yetzer haras*. One is I made it, I made it. And the other one is I'll never make it. They're both *yetzer haras*. We're moving, we're moving, we're going. So moments, moments of clarity, moments of insight, moments of *Shabbat*, moments of... moments of connection. That's it. That's what we... we say שיויתי השם לנגדי תמיד. That's a lot of pressure. I don't know anyone, maybe *Rav Morgenstern* and my *Rebbe*, *Bilvavi*. Who is living with *Hashem* in front of them at all times, apart from you? שיויתי השם לנגדי תמיד. I'm like שיויתי על השם לנגדי ever would be a good start. That I actually feel that *Hashem* is *mamish* actually sitting on my lap listening to me. That would be a great start. So I'm getting there, I'm doing better now. *Brachos*, I kind of feel like I'm speaking to *Hashem*. *Shacharis*, *Mincha*, *Ma'ariv*. I love, I love *tefillin*. *Shabbat*, I love *Shabbat*. And *Yom Tov* and... it's good being a Jew. It's... so I'm getting better, but I'm not living with immense God-consciousness all the time. Or very little of the time. But I'm not upset by that, cause I don't think that's the goal really. I think the goal is to be working on it in a self-compassionate way. World to Come is when we're chilling with *Hashem*. World to Come, we'll get there. This world is the *Olam HaAvodah*. You have to work in this world and we have to fix in this world. ועל ידי כך יש לאדם ניסיון גדול שלא יפול לעצבות. So therefore, you have a big test which is don't become sad. Don't despair and become sad and give up on yourself and become heavy. I think lots of people are quite heavy. Like, this is how I... this is who I am and this is how it is and nothing can change. And I tried every... And then I hear a good *shiur* and I get some *chizuk* and then I start again and then two days later I'm just like, I'm just... the same person I was before. And then there's another good *shiur* and then I do amazing breathwork experience and that was great and then that was good for like two weeks and then I'm back to... That's the game. Up down, up down. It's okay. Just keep playing the game. So we've got to work out really what is the *avodah*. What is... How do you play this game? You've got to work out how to be... This is the game of life. Welcome. Game of life, up down, up down, up down. Let's play the game. Because you can be in your consciousness consistent through the... There are up and down, ups and downs. But you're consistently conscious throughout the ups and downs. This is why also we're not so into high-peak experiences. I'm just going to tap into *Hashem* by doing this and peak experience. We like no, we want consistent levels of higher consciousness, but the up and downs are still happening. But you're not as bashed around by the ups and downs. You're okay because you're surfing. You know how to surf the waves now. I'm surfing life. ששורש אחיזת היצר הרע... That's where the *yetzer hara* gets you most in *atzvut*. So you have to understand, שלדעת שהקטנות היא תחילת המדרגה הבאה. The feeling of... of disconnection is the beginning of the next... of the next step. Got to go down to come up. Got to go down. So when you're feeling down, you should feel excited. This is the whole *Rabbi Akiva* and he saw the fox coming out of the *Kodesh Hakodashim* and everyone else was crying and then he was laughing. And why are you crying? He goes 'cause now that prophecy has been fulfilled then that prophecy is going to be fulfilled.' He saw it a little bit beyond. You've got to start to see a little bit beyond. When we're feeling down, we're so caught up in our down and we're so heavy with our down, we actually forget that in life any down that we've been through, we came out of it in general. You go, you go ups and downs. So within your down know that this is... this is part of the journey. To just be, just to be aware of that. You don't need to be experiencing it yet. Just be Gam Zeh Ya'avor. This is going to also go. אבל האמת היא שכל פעם שאדם נכנס לקטנות סימן הוא שזכה לסיים איזה מדרגה שעמד בה ועכשיו הוא נכנס למדרגה חדשה. So this, you got to understand, when you're feeling disconnection, it means you finished your previous task. And now you're onto the next task. That's how it goes. I finished that level. I fought the end-of-level boss and then going onto the next level. Okay, we're going to go on to what is really the Avodah. I hope, how many classes do we have left? Two. Okay, so we'll never finish, but don't despair, because each thing is important in itself. We'll get there. But we should do a Tisha B'Av class, a proper one. Be'ezrat Hashem. So, do you drink coffee, by the way? Pardon? Do you drink coffee? Coffee? I don't drink coffee. Okay. I'll tell you why I don't drink coffee. Well, the simple reason is I had one sip once, I didn't like it. But the other reason is I've seen what happens to people who drink coffee when they don't drink coffee. So I'm like, there's got to be a problem with that. You're right. Okay. I do drink green tea with matcha. That has caffeine, but it's more gentle, I think. Okay. Shabbat. Thank you. Thank you.