Trauma: Ellie's Story

Our psychologist Ciara Downes who works with children and young people chats with Ellie. In this episode, we hear from Ellie about her experience of trauma following a life threatening health complication and hospitalisation. Ellie describes what symptoms she noticed in the aftermath of this experience, and how it impacted her life and relationships. Ellie also discusses what helped her to cope. We hope that listening to this episode will help other young people and their families who have gone through a similar experience, or professionals who may be supporting young people after traumatic events. 
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A selection of podcasts for parents, carers and young people on a range of youth mental health issues. Provided by the Northern Health and Social Care Trust in Northern Ireland, generously supported by funding from NHS Charities Together (https://nhscharitiestogether.co.uk/). Intro music by Dr Gareth Lewis.
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Trauma - Ellie's Story
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Hello, everybody. And thank you for joining us today to listen to our podcast, which is part of the Youth Mental Health with the Northern Trust series. And today's episode is called Trauma, Ellie's Story. My name is Ciara Downes, and I'm a psychologist who works with children and young people. And I'm joined today by Ellie.

Ellie, I'm so excited that we're recording this podcast together. And we kind of chatted about, that we thought hearing your story might help other people who've experienced trauma, maybe give parents and carers ideas of how to support them as well. Yeah, I think it's a really good idea and it's important that we talked about it, so I'm excited.

Okay, so let's kick things off then. So, we're not going to go into too many details of what exactly you went through, but what's important for people to know is that you experienced a life threatening health complication that meant you were in hospital for a period of time, isn't that right? Yeah. And before that, you and your family had been through at times over the years, other stressful, difficult events, but this was the, this medical trauma seemed to lead to the biggest difficulties for you.

Yeah, definitely. That was what kind of really threw me over the edge, I'd say. Hmm, okay. So Ellie, what were the first signs then that you were affected by that period of time in hospital? Whenever I had got home from hospital, I think everything kind of just hit me. Like, when I was there, I didn't feel bothered about it.

I didn't, like, cry or anything. And then I got home and I was like... I just feel like a completely different person and that was just really confusing to me and then I just, I kind of just brushed that off. And then as time went on, there was things that were bothering me that never really bothered me before, like noise and lights and I just was very easily upset, which was not the usual case for me, so.

Once that had kind of happened, I thought, maybe there isn't something right here. Mm hmm. Tell me a bit more, Ellie, about the noise and the lights. What was that like for you at that time? So it would be situations where I'd be, say, in school, in the study room, and someone would be tapping their pen or tapping their foot, and before I would be able to concentrate fine with that, that would not phase me.

And then, after her hospital, like, I would just get really upset and overwhelmed with things like that, like, as if I was hearing everything at once, and it was just really strange to me. Hmm. I think you told me before, Ellie, that it was hard to kind of... Concentrate as well. Yeah. Things going on in the background.

Yeah, no if someone was making the slightest noise I could not get work done at all or in class if someone was talking behind me like that would be me. I just could not take anything in. So you noticed a big change really when you go back from hospital? Yeah, just things that were not... It's not the usual case for me at all.

So when you came back from hospital, I know that you've said before that the memory of it was difficult to deal with as well. It was kind of in your mind an awful lot, is that right? Definitely. Just, I just could not get it off my mind, it was all I could think about and then dreams started coming up about hospital and just certain things I just associated with hospital like even looking at my bed I was like, oh, hospital, just everything linked to that which obviously was not the case before so that was really confusing to me.

And I remember you saying before about Kind of images coming into your mind from the hospital and feeling like you were back there as well. Yeah, like, closing my eyes. I think I was at such a level of stress as well. I'd close my eyes and I'd almost see myself as still being in hospital. Or, if I thought about it, it felt like I was exactly there.

Like, I hadn't moved from the hospital bed. So, that to me was terrifying. Sounds really scary. Yeah, it really was. And what about being around other people, was that kind of different after being in hospital? Yeah I definitely think that changed for me, just my whole routine, I had the same routine all the time, I'd always go out with my friends or with my family, I think that was never really a problem for me.

And then, after hospital, I remember I had went to a club with my friends, and something, that was something I would do all the time. And being there, I just, I felt almost sick, and I felt so deplaced. And I just realised, this isn't right, this isn't normal for me, I, I don't feel how I usually feel. And I think that was a really big sign for me.

And I just... Like I would be invited out with friends and I would just decline because I just did not want to leave my house at all. I just felt like the only safe place. So you started to avoid things then? Yeah. Yeah. And what about... What about things to do with the hospital? Did you start to try and avoid thinking about it?

I definitely tried to just forget about it and I said to myself, Oh, you're just being silly. You're just, you're just overthinking. Just don't think about it too much. Which definitely does not help because then I got bottled up really badly. for me. Did it get worse, do you think? Definitely got worse, and I then started, like, panic attacks had been a thing for me before, but I had never had them that severe.

Like, I would go to school, and just, even the thought of going to school before, I'd feel sick in the morning. And then getting to school, I'd usually have panic attacks, because just everything was just so overwhelming, and everything that felt so safe to me, started to become worse. Like the feeling of being unsafe, which was just horrible.

It just came out of nowhere. Sounds really, really horrible. Yeah. So then we, we chatted as well about other kinds of symptoms that were kind of a wee bit strange and we call it dissociation. And. I remember you telling me about that experience and what that was like. Do you want to tell our listeners a wee bit about what that was like for you?

For me, whenever I kind of, I was dissociating, it really, I would be in like a classroom and I just wouldn't feel there. And I just wouldn't even notice you're kind of, like, going into a bit of a daydream. But I just felt out of my own body, which just gave me so much anxiety and stress. And even at home, like, which was meant to be my safe place for me, I would dissociate.

And it just was so scary. And I just didn't really understand what that was. It just didn't help at all. Cause then I just, I just felt like I was going a bit crazy, to be honest. So now you know that there's a name for it, and it's something that's common among people who've been through traumatic events.

Do you think that kind of helped to hear that? Definitely, because I feel like in situations like I went through, it can feel so lonely, and you don't think anyone else is going through that. So once you hear that it is an actual thing, it gives, it gave me a lot of reassurance that I was not going crazy.

So you eventually discovered, Ellie, that you kind of had all of the symptoms really for PTSD, which is post traumatic stress disorder. And I know you said before that you didn't think that was what you would have. Even though you'd heard about it before, you kind of had ideas about PTSD and you thought there's no way that's what you have.

Yeah. Tell us a bit about that. So, when I was in hospital, a nurse came to me with a letter. It was just before I was about to leave, and she said, within the six month period of leaving hospital, you may develop PTSD. And I just remember, which to me, no, I like, I'm embarrassed about, but I just remember like scoffing and being like, that one never happened to me.

Because I had this idea that... PTSD was only a thing with men, and the only time I'd really learned about it was in a history class about men that had been through war. So, when that was said to me, I felt like that was so silly, and, oh, that'll definitely not happen. And I also had this idea that PTSD was people...

Acting crazy and doing crazy things like acting out and screaming in public and things like that. So to me, whenever PTSD was brought up, I almost felt embarrassed. And thought, how dare this nurse say this to me, like, this will not happen to me at all. Then obviously that changed. So that's interesting that your idea of it was that it was more men and it was men who've maybe been through war rather than someone of your age and your gender and what you've been through.

Yeah, no, I just had it so in my head that it was only... Older men, really, and I think because of my situation, what happened, I thought my situation wasn't bad enough to experience PTSD. Which is definitely not the case at all. I think that it was me putting down my situation to make myself feel it wasn't that bad, what I went through.

Which, I feel, was me not letting myself actually experience the pain of what I was bottling it in, doing that. And I definitely think as well, I haven't heard of many women with PTSD. Or, at least I don't feel like it's talked about a lot. So therefore I really thought... Oh no, it's just man. Hmm. I think it's just really important as well to educate people on situations like PTSD.

Like, just like me, I had no idea about it, and then whenever I'd been diagnosed, I was able to explain to people, like my mum and dad, because they didn't fully know either. Like, I'd learnt so many things, like PTSD is where your memories are at the front of your brain instead of the back. Just knowing that just helps so much.

Giving that education to other people, I think, has been so great. Yeah, so that idea that your memories don't kind of get stored away like other memories, that they're kind of there in the front of your mind all the time. They're bothering you a lot of the time. Yeah. That was important to let your family know about that.

Definitely, because I think that helped them understand why hospital was always on my mind. Like, it's going to be if it's right at the front, so. Once I had learned that, I think they really understood why I was acting the way I was. And I think there definitely needs to be more educational situations like PTSD in schools, like in my school.

Like I said, the only time I learned about it was in a history class, and it wasn't even like we learned about PTSD. It was more like the men in war we were learning about, and then they just throw in PTSD. So I think just educating people on all mental health conditions instead of just, like, depression and anxiety, which is very important to learn about, but learning more, so then if there's someone else like me, when they get a bit older, they're not, like, What is PTSD?

Have I gone crazy? Things like that. Because it can happen after lots of different types of experiences. Yeah. It's useful for people to know about that. Definitely. And definitely I think people should know that even if you feel like your experience is a small experience, it's still valid for you to have something like PTSD.

Because that's how I was. I was like... This is so stupid of me, like, why am I getting on like this? My experience was so little. Like, just bringing down myself definitely didn't help. But once I was able to say to myself, Okay, that was, that was a really scary experience and there's no wonder you have PTSD.

I think just being kind to yourself. It's just, it's so helpful. And if I, if I hadn't started. Being kind of myself, I don't think I'd be where I am now. Because you were kind of doubting yourself the whole time. Yeah, just everything I was just doubting myself on. So what did you think it was then when you were experiencing all these different symptoms?

You were having nightmares, you were having images about the hospital, you were... find it difficult to be in school and be around your peers, you're having these kind of out of body experiences which we now know as dissociation. What did you make of it at the time? I just kind of kept it in and thought it's, it's just my mind playing tricks on me.

I thought after a few days this will be over and I'll be normal. I can go out with my friends and I think just forcing that on myself to just live normally. Really did not help. But then, obviously, being spoken to about PTSD, I thought, ooh, maybe this is a possibility that I have it. So, what changes did you notice then in you as a person, Ellie, after this experience in hospital?

So you had all these symptoms, but you noticed other things that were happening to you. I definitely lost a lot of confidence. Like, I just felt as if I was in someone else's body, like I didn't know who I was. It just felt wrong that I was in this body and I was so anxious because I had never been that anxious before.

I just wasn't as happy. I just wasn't getting it. It just felt like an out of body experience, definitely. Sounds like a really, really scary time. It was. It just felt really lonely because... I thought if I explained it to someone, they'd think you're crazy, like, what are you talking about? So I definitely held it in for a good while.

And then that probably felt even more lonely, so people didn't know what was going on. No, absolutely. Not explaining it to someone just damaged it even more. And I wonder how your family reacted and how was it for them at that time? I think they were really grateful that I got out of that experience at all, because obviously there's some people that aren't as lucky, so they were grateful and now seeing the more positive side to the experience.

But I think they also didn't get why I was acting brand new, almost, like, a new person. That was confusing for them, because I was just upset so easily, and I didn't really want to leave my room. And they would say, oh, why don't you go out with your friends this week, and... I just say, no, I don't want to. So I think that was strange for them, seeing a change in me as well.

Because I'm sure at the time it was really, really difficult for them, what you went through in the hospital, but then afterwards they were just relieved that you were physically healthy, physically okay. Yeah, definitely. They just wanted me to be the best I could be at the time and just to get better, which I understand.

I get that. But I think in my head, I thought, why is no one reacting how I'm reacting to this? Why is no one else as stressed? I think that really brought on a lot of inside of me for me as well, because I thought as well I was going crazy, but no one else was reacting how I was. And your family didn't really know at that time what was going on?

Definitely not. Yeah. Especially keeping it in, like, how are they meant to know, I think. They could see a change, but obviously they would not know if I hadn't said. They probably didn't really know what to do. Yeah, definitely not. And I think as well, they didn't really know about PTSD as well. And I wonder what school was like and how school reacted as well to the changes.

Did they notice, or? I definitely had a few teachers say to me, what is with you? Your concentration is not good. You're not doing the best with your work. Like, for me, doing my work was such a struggle. Like, everything that was normal kind of became a huge task for me. So, whenever I was doing schoolwork, it was just so difficult that I would just give up.

And then I would get bad marks. And I felt like, the teachers didn't really get that until I had explained to them that I was going to therapy and... Was talked about PTSD, and I just felt like everything with school was just so difficult. Even like, I think we talked about it earlier on, but sounds. Like, if someone was tapping in class, that would be it for me.

That would be my concentration thrown off. I needed pure silence. Which was never the case before because I was one of the talkers in class. I used to chat a lot and I would be fine if someone was chatting to me while I was doing my work. So coming back from hospital and having even the tiniest bit of noise throw me off was just so confusing.

It was really confusing. So thinking, Ellie, about some of the things that were really difficult after you had got out of hospital, I remember you telling me that you had this sense that something bad might happen again. Tell me a little bit about that. So just after hospital, I just thought every single second that I was unsafe, and I was just waiting for it to happen to me again.

I just had got it in my head, okay, so bad things were just going to happen to me. And Just, I think that's what made going to school so difficult and going out with people, just living, like, with fear every single second, and I thought, oh well if I do this, I'll end up back in hospital, if I do that, I'll end up back in hospital, which really was not good for my mental health at all.

Because I was just constantly anxious, and that really, I feel, brought on the panic attacks for me because I had them so often. So your beliefs, really, about your safety had changed. They really had. Like, before hospital, I wasn't careless. But, I never really put thought into, oh, anything could happen to me.

I just like, lived in a wee bubble, I felt. Like, oh, I'll be fine. If I do this, I'll be fine. And, yeah, just, once I got out of the hospital, just, even like, my mum would say, oh, do you want to go to your grandpa's place? And I would think in my head, well, what if I go and I'm not home and I'm not safe? And, just, just a spiral of bad thoughts, which did not help at all.

It really... Like, just wrecked my social life, like, going on it. And did it, did that experience also affect how you felt about yourself, your beliefs about you as a person? It definitely made me feel really negative. And I thought, if something this bad can happen to me, what did I do wrong for it to happen?

Which, like, obviously going through therapy, like, now I realise I didn't do anything wrong. Just bad things can happen, but I still had it in my head. I did something for this to happen to me, which is not the case at all. Like, it's my fault? Yeah, like, it's my fault. And I just felt so guilty for the people around me that I also...

But obviously their experience wasn't the same as mine. But they had went through an experience as well with what had happened to me. So I just felt so much guilt and just felt so horrible. Okay. And I wonder, Ellie, as well, about your friendships at that time. You know, was it difficult for people to know what to do?

Because you were, I suppose, finding things more difficult than avoiding people as well. I just wonder how your friends reacted to that. I definitely think a lot of people were confused. Because if I was going out every single week with them and I was going to parties and things and then all of a sudden I wasn't, like, I'm sure that was confusing to them and people might take that as, oh, do they have something against me now?

And I hadn't said really to any of my friends what I was experiencing. So I definitely lost quite a few friendships just with that. That must have been really hard as well. It was because... It definitely made me feel even worse, like, there's something wrong with me. People don't want to be my friend. But, like, if I was not coming out, I'm obviously going to lose friends, so.

But I definitely took it to heart and thought, what is wrong with me? Doing it in solo art. Mm hmm. Absolutely. Well, if that makes sense that you would. Yeah. Because you kind of needed people to support you, but then it was maybe hard for people to be able to do that. Definitely. Because I needed to say something for them to understand what I was going through.

I think they would definitely just see it as, oh, she's just being off. She's just being strange. So, they distanced themselves, which now, looking back at it, I completely understand. Because you would be confused. But definitely at that time, I, I did need that support. And what happened then when you did start to tell people what was going on and how difficult things were?

What was that like for you? When I told my friends, the friends I had, about what I was going through with PTSD, a lot of them were really, really understanding and it was just so helpful to have people actually listen and them kind of change their ways. Like, for instance, a friend I had, we went out together, and we went into a club, that was our usual thing, but she kept saying to me, do you want to go outside, do you want to go where it's a bit quiet, let's stand where there's space, and that to me just helped so much, because it just made me feel really sane and heard, when she did that, like.

And it made me feel not so strange. She really got it. She was really thinking about it from your perspective. She was, and that to me just helped so much and made me feel, oh I can go out again. Because I have people like that, that will be calm with me and understanding. You just need understanding people instead of people that say things like, Oh, well, you're fine now, because that does not help at all.

Well, maybe that brings us on then to some of the kind of things that helped and maybe some of the things that weren't so helpful. Yeah. So it sounds like. It sounds like in the beginning, not telling people what was going on wasn't that helpful. Definitely not, because you can't just read someone's mind.

And I felt like I was kind of expecting, because people knew what I had been through, I was expecting them to know how I was feeling inside, but you can't just look at someone and know what they're feeling. So, even though it's difficult, definitely just telling people what's going on in your head, so then they get it, and then there isn't going to be a breakdown of friendships and relationships.

I definitely think that's helpful. And what you said there about people maybe saying things like, well it's over and you're okay now. I suppose people say things like that to help you feel a bit better and to just have something nice to say, but you didn't find that that helpful. If anything, it made me really angry when people said that because I've never died.

I had so many people say, well, at least she didn't die, but I was really, really struggling from this experience. So I was not seeing it in that way and I didn't think I should have had to have seen it in that way. Because it was so traumatic for me. So, people saying, oh at least you didn't die. I felt like that kind of took away from how I felt.

And people saying, oh well you're fine not. But you don't really know who someone is. Unless you're like actually in their body. So, that for me just made me angry. Like, you don't get it. And so, what kind of things then did help? So you'd said about having people around you understand and you'd get it. Yes.

Yeah. Sort of helps. One really helpful thing for me was, cause I know that there could be parents listening, with my dad, we would sit with each other and he wouldn't bring up anything, we would just sit and he'd give me the chance, if I wanted to talk about it, to bring it up, which for a while I didn't, but at least I had that opportunity with him being there.

But we would just watch films on a Saturday, because I was always out on Saturday nights, so He would sit with me and watch a film, so I didn't feel alone. And whenever I did bring it up, he just listened, like I honestly can't express enough how important it is to just be listened to when you go through something like that, and to not say things like, oh well, you're here now, just, just forget about it, because so many people had said that, like, oh just, just forget about it, it's fine.

And along with, like, what other people said. I think an important thing for me, or something I wish I had done, was not care so much about what other people said about my experience, because it wasn't their experience. So I would have people say, she looks fine, she's fine, she's out with her friends, she's okay, but you don't know, like, you really don't know.

Just like with the job I had at the time like people were going back to my manager saying look at this photo of her She looks okay. How would you know unless you've been through that so that was really something for me I just wish I didn't care so much about it because I remember my mum saying Do you know what you've been through and I was like, I know mum, but they think this But it should not matter and I think that's people bringing down Someone else's experience.

Because you don't know what somebody's going through. They can look fine on the outside. And actually underneath, it's really, really difficult for them. Exactly, like, I think I put on such a brave face throughout it, even though I felt horrible. I just smiled and tried to act like nothing was wrong. Was there anything else, Ellie, in terms of your friendships that you noticed at that time?

I feel like one thing I did, which I look back on and regret now, was I almost got mad at the people around me for not being as upset as I was. Like, I felt like my world had completely changed. Everything was different, but everyone else's lives were fine. And I feel like I almost resented everyone else, like, How come I had to go through this situation and you didn't?

Which definitely is not the right way to go about things, but Obviously, not knowing I had PTSD and stuff. It made sense that that's how I reacted, but yeah, I definitely just had a lot of anger at everyone else. Like, how come you got lucky? In a way. Absolutely, well that makes sense, that you were feeling like that.

They were just getting on with their lives, it's normal, they weren't able to. They especially with how upset I was over my situation, I was like, why aren't you guys upset? Why aren't you breaking down, crying every day and having panic attacks? But obviously that wasn't their experience, for them to be upset over.

My friends and my family were upset for me, but obviously you move on after a while. And that was the thing as well, I think, made me PTSD, that I could not get over what I'd been through, but everyone else was over it, like that was just a huge frustration for me. So nobody else had actually been through it in the same way as you, even if they were there and witnessed it that.

Exactly, which I'm sure it was absolutely nerve wracking for my family seeing me. So unwell, but for me, I'm like, well, you weren't the one that was unwell, but why are you so happy? Yeah, because I was just really struggling at the time to be happy, like just be myself. So yeah, I was just really frustrated at then, like, be unhappy, be like me.

And were there any supports put in place for you Ellie in school since it was so difficult to concentrate and really coping in school? Yeah, I think as well. It didn't help because I was telling teachers what I was going through. And because it was a lot, they didn't fully, I wouldn't say they didn't believe me, but I'd say it was hard for them to understand.

So whenever I came to therapy, I had expressed like, how difficult school was. And I got a letter to give to my school about why I might not be concentrating, why I'm not properly doing my work or getting it in on time, or that I just need a wee bit of extra help after class. Like, once I had got that with school, it became a bit easier.

I wouldn't say it was... The best time for me, but that was just how school was for me. But once that had happened, teachers would definitely ask me after class, Was there anything you didn't understand? Do you need a bit more time? And just having that was helpful. So having that support and teachers recognise that things are different and Yeah.

You might need some extra help. Definitely. Very important. And I think just, The teachers knowing, not even with help after class, but I definitely had a lot of panic attacks in school, so them kind of looking out and saying if I'm acting a bit strange or if I need to sit in another room that's quiet, like, one of my teachers was really great for that and she had this wee storage room and she, she would just be able to tell just looking at me and she'd say, do you want to sit in there for ten minutes?

And having that was so helpful because it was someone else that was seeing and hearing me. So having that was, I think it's good to have a teacher that you can kind of go to and just express what you're feeling. Yeah. And having the ability to have a bit of time out when you really need it. Yeah. I think that was one thing I was really embarrassed about was getting in my school it was called a time out card or like a pass out card.

Or a medical card, even. And I was just embarrassed by getting that at the very start whenever I'd been diagnosed with PTSD because I thought, I'm really letting this defeat me. But if anything, once I really looked into it, I thought, I'm not letting it defeat me. I'm actually helping myself by removing myself from the situations where I'm really overwhelmed.

So that was really important to have that. Yeah, I don't think anyone should feel embarrassed about it. needing extra help or asking for a time out card, because if that's what's best for you at that moment in time, that's what's best for you, you shouldn't care what other people think. But actually having that ability to have a little break, but have someone to go to and talk with, is really important that you're to And what about?

You know, other things that have helped from your point of view, like, what have you been doing that has helped you? If there's maybe other people listening who've been through something similar. For me, I just realized that I need to give myself time. Because even when I came to therapy, I was like, okay, we need to do this.

Get it over with. I'll be fine in a few weeks. And that's like not the case at all, especially talking about trauma, like you need to really go through it. If you just talk about it briefly, like you're not going to get through that at all. So once I started to let myself just give myself time to even breathe, like that really helped me and I stopped putting down my experience as well because I was doing what other people were doing.

I was just saying, you're fine Ellie. Once I started saying to myself, That was really scary. That, that wasn't nice. Obviously, you're gonna be scared. That just helps so much. I think you need to really hype yourself up through it. To be like your own friend and say the things you need to hear as well.

Exactly. Yeah. What else? What other kind of things were helpful for you? I talked about there, just my job, my job at the time. I didn't realise before, but it was not a good environment. It was very toxic. And I think I had just brushed aside how negative it made me feel. So once I had been through my hospital experience, I realised, no, I can't do that to myself anymore.

Mm hmm. And... Once I left, I just felt a huge weight off my shoulders, like, it just made me feel so much better. And it made me realise other things that I wasn't happy about. Because I was very in the same routine, and I liked everything to be the same, I didn't like change. But once I realized that change needed to happen, I felt so much better once I had changed some things.

So, in a way, because you found it hard to tolerate certain things, because you were more stressed and more easily upset, it actually made you change some things that weren't great to begin with? Yeah, it really did. It just said goodbye to things that weren't helping. And after that, I just did feel better.

It was nice. Whenever I was experiencing, like, say I was having a panic attack, or I just felt really overwhelmed, the best thing that really helped me was either, say I was in a stressful area, like people were being loud, Just taking yourself out of that area, and I used to feel really guilty about doing that, and really, I just over, I was overthinking a lot.

Like, everyone's gonna think I'm so weird if I, like, leave, or if I, if I'm out with friends and I want to go home, people are gonna think that's strange. But once I stopped caring about that, and I removed myself from them situations, I just felt so much better and, like, if you are hearing loud noises and people are shouting and stuff, like, you're not going to be able to calm yourself down, so, even There's no point to other drivers.

Yeah, exactly. Definitely not. So, even doing wee things, say I can't leave that situation, and I need to wait until it's over, I would just do things like, Try breathe because I feel like in whenever you're stressed you kind of stop breathing you forget Yeah, so I would try my best to just keep breathing and even if it looks silly I'd like sit with my eyes closed and just like almost just talk to myself and just reassure myself like it's okay We'll be out of here soon.

Or even just like scratching my arm or like petting my arm, which I remember whenever I first started doing that, I felt so stupid. When you say scratching your arm, do you mean just kind of like tickling your arm? Yeah. Like that. Like which just is comforting. It's like a light massage kind of feeling.

Yeah. Yeah. Which got me to like stop focusing on being so stressed. So just whatever. 'cause I feel like everyone has different things as well. I have. A wee bracelet on my wrist and just like fiddling with that, like, just really helps me. So just finding whatever calms you down. I know you really love your hand massage.

Yeah. You carry around your little moisturiser with That definitely calms me down. Yeah. I think it's, yeah, definitely just finding, like, Whatever helps you because I know for other people they'd probably be like, no, that's not going to help. And what about, you know, coming to therapy for trauma, you know, what was that like for you?

And what would you be saying to people about therapy? I remember whenever I was first told about therapy for trauma, I was actually really scared.

And this and this is going to be stuck with me. And I'm just going to be a mess. Nothing's gonna go right for me. And then I came to my first appointment. And we had just briefly, like, talked about what had happened. But I just, I instantly felt better. And just realise, like, it's not a bad thing to go to therapy.

Cause I, I definitely think there's such a stigma around it. Like, if you do this, I definitely think there is. Especially with people my age, I feel. And even old, like, all ages, really. People think, oh, you're messed up. If you have to go to therapy, or it's embarrassing. Like, a real pride thing. Where you think, I don't need that.

Which was me. Like, whenever I was first in hospital, I thought, With PTSD, I definitely don't have that. Like, as if it's an embarrassing thing, but it's definitely not at all. And I really think if more people went to therapy that needed it, then things would be a lot better. Mm hmm. Definitely. So you'd recommend it?

I would so recommend it, because trying to get through something so big like PTSD on your own, I just don't think it's possible. Mm hmm. Like, For me, whenever I was having a panic attack, I would just absolutely freak out. But once I came here, I found ways of, once I came to therapy, I found ways of actually being able to help myself and properly calm down.

Instead, obviously, my body's trying to protect itself, but doing my own methods really wasn't gonna help because it's not the professional way and it's not always the right way. So I think once you come to therapy, you really learn so much that you didn't know before. Like, even before therapy, I had no clue what PTSD was, and then coming here and really learning about it helped me a lot.

So, it just can be so important to go to. It's so helpful. And there will be people listening, maybe people themselves who've been through traumatic events or parents and carers. And maybe a person doesn't have PTSD, they don't have all the symptoms, but maybe they've some of what you're talking about.

They find it difficult to concentrate or they're more easily upset. So not everybody will experience PTSD. It sounds like what you're saying is, you know, having supportive people around you really helps. You know, that idea of your dad just kind of sitting with you and being available if you wanted to chat about it, but not putting you under pressure to talk about it.

Yeah. And just hanging out together and watching movies and, but also for you being open with the close people in your life about how you were really feeling, what was really going on. Definitely. These seem to be the key things. Yeah. I just remember like after hospital. I thought I was really going to have no one around me, I thought.

Because I don't really like who I am right now, because I didn't know myself then. I thought no one else would like me. But when I had people like my boyfriend just say, I'm still here, like, I'm not going anywhere. Like, just having people reassure you like that is so helpful, and I think if I hadn't had them people around me, like my best friend and my boyfriend, I don't think I would've got through it as well as I have.

Mm. So, people who are listening, who know somebody who's been through trauma, you're very important to how well they'll recover. Definitely.

Like, I would be out, and say there was loud noise, I remember, like, just my boyfriend would probably be like, do you wanna go somewhere else? Like, just having people. Pick up on that for you. It's just so nice and just so helpful. Can't express how helpful that was for me getting through it. So things have changed a lot for you since you first came for therapy.

What are the biggest changes you think you've seen in yourself? Just, like, everything I've learned, which, I've learned so much, so I couldn't even go into all of it. But, I feel like I just have a better understanding of, like, why I reacted to things the way I did. Getting through, like, certain memories, and certain, just...

Things that annoyed me, like, it's just helped so much with, with that. So, it's, I am a lot more calm now. And I can really, say I'm about to freak out, I can really take a step back and think. Okay, here's what I need to do, and here's what would be best if I did that. Because I feel like whenever I first had PTSD I like, absolutely go crazy.

Where now I'm just like, okay, just breathe. Let's take a step back and deal with this properly. And now you kind of know how to better, how to manage. Those feelings and Definitely. And the memories aren't as definitely difficult as they were. Not strong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because if I had a bad memory come back, even in school, like that would be me.

I would have to go home. Mm-Hmm. , I could not do the rest of the day. I would almost be sick. Like it would be that bad. Mm-Hmm. . But now I think of some of the memories. And, because obviously it's still hard, you can't just get over it. I feel like that was a really good thing for me, I thought, I'll just get over it.

But, you get over it, but not completely. Like, it's not like it just leaves you. But, having gone through therapy, I definitely remember the memories. I'm like, this is okay. It's okay. It's scary. But I'm fine. You're not as overwhelmed by it? Definitely. I don't freak out as much as I used to. Well done for getting through it.

What's the biggest thing you're looking forward to in the future?

I think just, because even now I'm not fully able to do this. But just looking back on what I went through, I'm just thinking, wow, like, you got yourself through that. Like, I'm excited for that. Because I'm so much closer to that than I was whenever I first came to therapy. Like, I was annoyed at myself for being traumatised, like, which is not my fault.

So I just can't wait for the day I can just look back and think, I, I did that, I got myself through that. You're nearly there. I know. Ellie, thank you so much for chatting to me today and hopefully it's been helpful to all the people who are listening. I really hope so and I just hope everyone knows listening that you really can get through things like this.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. There so is. Which it's hard to say sometimes but you get there eventually just with all the right things. Absolutely. Thanks so much, Ellie. Thank you. And thanks to all our listeners. And we'd like to invite our listeners, if you get a chance, to complete the short feedback questionnaire, which is just in the link in the episode description of the podcast, because this will help us to plan for future topics and hopefully come up with some other good ideas for you to listen to.

So all the best, everybody. Thanks for listening.