Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
We share stories of how the blood of Jesus has transformed ours and others' lives.
 Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Red Ledger. I'm Denalee Bell. Today, I'm going to change up the format a little bit. Often on the channel, we dive into other people's relationships, biblical truths, their testimonies. Today, I'm going to share with you my story. Um, I've been struggling with something recently and God has been walking me through it.
It's a challenge maybe you're facing too, or have faced in your life, and it's why did those closest to us sometimes struggle to hear us? even when we're right. I've noticed this has been a pattern in my life, professionally and even personally. Um, I spent a lot of time giving people advice. I had a consulting company, so it was truly my business to give people advice.
They'd follow it without hesitation. And I had proof that my advice worked. I mean, I'm not saying I've batted a hundred every time or whatever the batting, 300, whatever it is anyway, but I didn't always get it right. But if I went into a business and I very rarely would offer advice unless I knew, sometimes I just don't know.
Right. But when it came to those closest to me, like my husband or a couple other people in my life, this was just a completely different story. They'd ask for the advice. Truly I would spend. a great deal of time talking them through something but then they wouldn't take it. Maybe you guys have a close friend who's kind of in a cycle or a loop where they're not hearing you.
Their decisions really directly affected my life, like especially my husband. It was incredibly frustrating because there's sometimes I just knew that I knew. that something was right and he wouldn't hear me. Maybe it was a health issue. You know, I used to study a lot about health and nutrition and you know, I would say, you know, we really shouldn't eat those things.
It's obviously affecting you. And he wouldn't hear me, but then he watched a YouTube video and of course Dr. Gundry was right, but it's just an example. Um, and I get why maybe I wouldn't have any of that. and a huge amount of credibility. I'm not a doctor, but he does know I studied nutrition. It did puzzle me though, why I could mentor strangers successfully, but not the one I love the most or not the people who are closest to me.
Why did I have more credibility with them than my husband? I had theories over the years. Um, some of them might've been true at the time. Was it because they knew me too well? Was the advice unsolicited and, um, I'll be honest, it often was. You know, you see somebody going down a bad path, you want to help them and stop them.
And sometimes people just want to go down the wrong path. And, you know, I made peace with that. Um, does familiarity breed contempt? Maybe. There was one person who literally would do, and sometimes still does, the opposite of everything I suggest. And it was a little baffling at first, but now, you know, it's kind of a fun situation.
I joke with her about it, and she noticed that somebody else does that to her in her life. So it's been kind of fun. We have a great relationship about it. It's, it's funny, but my husband and I, we work together, play together, live together. We spend an inordinate amount of time together. It's probably not normal for most people.
And I have a lot of words. You know, women have more words than men sometimes. Um, I just read a study that we do have maybe a couple thousand words more per day. I bet I have several thousand more words per day than he does. And I think he probably just has to ignore some of them just to get through his day.
And I totally get that selective hearing. I can give that a pass. But the frustration would come when I knew that I knew, when I knew with all my heart that I was right, that I had prayed on it, I researched it, and still he wouldn't listen. I was counseling somebody recently in my ministry, and they were very hurt and very broken.
And I think sometimes when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. And I think that's where we were for a little bit. And I have to tell you, I had a huge compassion for this person because they were deeply hurt. And it was probably easy for them to take my advice because they were a little desperate.
And Okay, so we have proof. I gave the information. They did it. It worked. And life got a little bit better. And tell it didn't because this was an ongoing relationship and I think they thought they were all better and so all was good and kind of went on their merry way, but I could still see some things that were not going right and going well and tried to warn this person and they wouldn't hear me.
Then got into an argument with my husband within a couple of days of this happening. And I was super frustrated because He wasn't hearing me. And I left the conversation because it was going nowhere. There was no productive movement in the conversation. And so I went and got ready for the day, took my shower.
And this is where God tells me all the good stuff is in my shower. I said, why, God, is He not hearing me? God, in His goodness, Started revealing answers to me over to the next couple of weeks. Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be open. God's word is good. I asked him the question.
He did tell me immediately. Gave me some spiritual insight. I would like say within minutes. And I kind of thought that was it. The first thing he put on my heart, was my anger. My anger was stifling and drowning out my words. All my husband could hear was the frustration. He couldn't hear the truth of what I was saying because I was angry.
And I was reflecting on the moment thinking, Oh, That's true. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was like, we've had this conversation 10 times. I'm telling you the same thing over and over. I want to be through this. I want to go to work. I want to move on with my day. So I would get frustrated because he wasn't hearing me.
And so I'm kind of talking faster, raising my tone, getting shorter. I realized that I was likely doing it with this other person as well. I kind of thought that was it. I'm like, Oh, okay. I have to work on anger, but God is so good. So I asked him a question and it is my practice to seek him daily. Um, by the minute, sometimes I, you know, I, I spend time with him throughout my whole day and I do a Bible study with these two amazing women.
And during one of these sessions, my friend Lisa, who you've seen on the podcast as well, And she is completely filled with the Holy Spirit, spoke some hard truths to me about a situation I was dealing with, with my adult children, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, but I wasn't offended. Why? Because I knew it was coming from love.
I received the information. because it was coming from love. People hear advice differently when it's offered or wrapped up in love. When my business partner was hurting and I offered counsel from a place of compassion. He heard me. But when I approached the conversation when I was impatient or frustrated, he didn't.
And this would be the same thing with my husband. Um, how often do we take for granted that this is our spouse or a person that we're with all the time, right? And so we, maybe we talk sharper, we're more abrasive, we're shorter. And I, I have to tell you, I did try the tactic of speaking really nice to him, like really changing my tone, even when I was frustrated.
So this is where I went with the anger thing. I said, okay, I'm angry underneath, but I need to express that I'm not in anger. So I would bring down my tone and I would talk really nice and try say the right words and choose them carefully as to not offend. Guess what? Didn't work. Bye. He could still feel the anger.
He knew it. He knows me. People, it's like lying almost, right? My impatience, frustration, irritation, anger were still coming out because I was still feeling them. So people can feel our energy. They can feel who, especially if they know us well. So why wasn't he hearing me? He could still feel that energy. He could feel that lack of love.
He knows me, right? It doesn't matter how much I would pretty it up. It needed to have the love behind it. So, my friend Lisa, who may have been probably saying some pretty harsh things, and it may have not been the perfect tone, and it may have been even, I don't know, abrasive, and if somebody else would have talked to me and said those things, I might have been a little offended, but I didn't take offense.
Why? Again, I knew it was offered in love. And I knew she loved me, I know she loves me, and I knew the underlying passion was love. Sometimes that underlying passion that we have with people when we're arguing or in a disagreement is not love. It's anger, it's frustration, and maybe even bitterness and unforgiveness, so we need to check our hearts, right?
My priority is to have success in all my relationships, and what is the best way to ensure success in a relationship? We invite God. We invite God into those relationships and we listen to Him. We let Him shine through us and this is, should be always, of course, you know, it's a little harder to do when everything's good.
It's, you know, everyone's happy and laughing. It's probably not when I'm praying the most, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna just check that and, and do that as well. But before I'm entering into a difficult conversation, I remind myself to pray. Even before I pick up the phone, or if I know it's going to be a difficult conversation, I will pray about that, that God uses me properly, that I glorify Him, that He is able to use me as a vessel.
That glorifies Him, and that my words are from Him. And that he just fills me with the Holy Spirit, with patience, with kindness, with compassion for that person. And if I am going to have a conversation with somebody difficult, I want to start with love. And part of starting with love is like what I said, right?
Inviting God in. But I also need to understand that I love that person. And this is particularly hard if there is bitterness and resentment. So how do we have a productive conversation if that's where we're at? We don't. So I have to think, even if my husband and I are not in a good place, you know, because sometimes we argue because we're not perfect.
We. think about what we appreciate in that other person. My husband is way more patient than I am. So I remember, Oh, he is so patient. He is so wise. He loves me. He loves my children. I go through the whole list to remind myself of who this man is because he is not this guy in this argument right now who just didn't get it right, right?
He is a whole human being with a whole bunch of characteristics that I fell in love with that I still love. And sometimes I have to be reminded, and I do this even if we're just in an argument for any reason, I'll, I'll remind myself, why do you love him? And this is, this is easier if you have a list ready.
So, God's part of the conversation, we set the stage for a productive conversation by thinking about what we appreciate in the person. To start with love, we should probably know what love is. And this was probably the biggest problem in our marriage early on, is I don't think either of us really knew what love was.
We kind of had a rom com TV view of love, and God really put it on my heart that that was love. That was not love, that his love was very different. Because we can know what those words mean, love, right? But do we really understand his abundant love? If you're a Christian for more than three weeks, you know that God loves you.
And you know you're supposed to love him. And you could probably even say the words. But do you believe it? Do you know it deep down, all the way to your morrow, how loved you are? I didn't. I, um, studied the Bible, but I didn't understand that revelation of that deeper love. And so, we can't give what we haven't received.
If we don't understand God's, if we don't understand and know God's love, How do we give it? God took me on a journey to show me the depth of His love, and I have to say that it's been years. It's years that He's revealing what this really looks like to me. Do you love God so much that the thought of doing life without Him is pointless?
Do you know the depth of which He loves you? You know, I heard a Bible teacher once say that she just wanted to wrap her arms around Jesus and run. That's all she wanted. She could just spend her whole day in his arms just thinking about Jesus. And while it was sweet, I knew I really wasn't at that point.
And I thought either she was crazy or there was something more to it. So that is when I prayed to God to reveal to me, like, what does she mean? Like, why? Why does she feel that way? And this is another ask seek knock situation. God showed up over time when I would seek Him because I wasn't seeking Him as regularly back then.
This seemed to be the theme of what He would teach me. So I'm not saying it has to take you years. It took me years. You, you, you can learn faster than me, but He's so good. Over that time, he revealed to me what love feels like, what it looks like. And I don't think it can be fully taught by a human. I think we can try express it.
But I don't know that we can fully express in words this experience with God. And it is higher level. It is better than anything I could do with my time, energy. I get it. I get why she wants to hang out with Jesus all day. And I want you guys to get it too, if you don't. And I want that to be revealed to you too.
When we seek Him, when we spend time with Him, when we seek to learn His character, we get to know Him, right? It's really hard to love somebody you don't know. So, if you don't understand that love, get to know God, your Creator. The one who loves you. You know, I kind of thought about this conversation we were going to have today.
And I was talking to my husband and I'm like, you know, we've been married for, we've been together 30 years. We were married for 25. We know each other. We love each other. There has been a growing of this deeper love, right? It didn't just come the first day. It grew as we got to know each other. It grew as we got to.
go through life with each other. We experience life. There's a history. And now I have this same relationship with God where I'm doing life with Him. We have a history. We got through things together. He taught me things that were revelations. I get to know His character more. It's really easy to love somebody you know on an intimate level.
It's really hard not to. And God is the one who teaches us those. qualities of love, the compassion, the kindness, the caring, the humility. And that leads me to my second point. I I had a chance to hear even more from him as I was cleaning one day, I put on a podcast from Preston Morrison. He is a pastor at the Pillar Church in Scottsdale, Arizona that I attend when I'm in Arizona and he's really good.
And so he did this podcast called the five behaviors of a wise person. And this is funny. So I'm listening to this cause I'm like, Oh, this is good. I can use this. to help other people. And God is so sweet. He showed up and said, no, this is for you. And one of the behaviors that really stuck out, there was two that really stuck out that made sense to where I'm at in this situation where I do want more credibility with those who I love.
And I do want them to hear me because the whole point of doing life together is to do it the best we can. Right. The first point that. Really hit me was humility and humility listens. If we want to be heard, we need to first listen, people feel respected, they feel like, loved when we truly engage with their words.
And that's when the real communication happens. It's a back and forth. It's not me talking at somebody. It's talking, receiving, right? Nobody wants to be talked at. They want to be part of something. It reminded me of a scripture, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. Be quick to hear, listen, be humility, you know, live in humility, slow to speak, slow to anger.
So I'm a talker, um, which you can guess that's probably why I'm doing the thing we're doing right now. And this was hard for me. This is hard for me. I have to consciously do it. When I'm talking to my husband, it's sometimes. It's a difficult thing when you've been married 30 years. He is very detail oriented.
If you want to ask him what time it is, go ahead, but just know, not only will he tell you how to build the clock, but he will tell you the history of clocks. It's just his personality. He's very detail oriented. I'm kind of a big picture girl. And here's the deal. It doesn't matter. Everybody wants to be heard.
Not just me, even him. He took the time to learn that information, found it interesting. Shouldn't I respect him enough to hear it and be interested? He's my husband. He's the love of my life. Of course I should. Maybe you're not fully interested in what he has to say or her. whoever that is in your life.
You know, I, I, I tell you, my husband also bass fishes and there's a lot of talk about baits around the house that could be mind numbing at some point, but I really make an effort to listen. And sometimes I have to pray and ask for help to listen because it's kind, you know, I'm not saying I do all the time.
This is me, a work in progress, but I can guarantee you that man is not interested in the 20, 000 words per day that I say either. And he always is patient with me and he always listens to me. It's rare that he doesn't, it is truly rare. And I know something's up if he's not. You know, like something's on his mind.
When we listen to another person, and I mean truly listen, concentrate on their words, engage in the conversation, it shows love. It shows respect. It shows that we genuinely care about them. When we focus on looking for that opening so we can interject our thoughts instead of listening, And it shows the opposite, that we didn't really hear them.
We didn't want to hear them because what we have to say is super important and what they have to say is not. And that's just rude and demeaning. That's not love. I say that with a disgust because that's something I do, and I hate it about myself. So it is something I actively pray on during a conversation, listen, listen, God help me hear him.
Help me hear him. I actively pray during a conversation like that. And if I feel myself getting tense or wanting to interrupt or impatient, cause I got so much to do, I really ask God for help. Our to do list is rarely more important than the people. God gave us people. God gave us people for connection, for relationship.
The to do list is probably my crazy to do list of things that don't really matter in life nearly as much as stopping and spending 10 minutes with that person and caring what they have to say. As I'm actively praying, sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I lose my way in my mind. If ADHD, you'll understand that.
You come back and this is what I do. I say, I'm sorry, my mind wandered. I really wanted to hear what you have to say. Can you please repeat that? Okay. It may hurt their feelings, but also at the same time, it's truth and I do want to hear it and maybe I could learn something. Okay. I think we want to be the person that we want others to be also known as treat others as you want to be treated.
Do you want people to hear you? Hear them. Maybe even validate their key points by repeating them before you speak. It helps you to remember them too. It helps you to engage. It helps me remember that to listen, okay, I want to make sure I understand so I can repeat this back. It's helpful. I give the person my full attention.
I put down my phone and I listen. I really, it does drive me nuts, you know, when I'm trying to help somebody or talk to somebody or go to dinner with somebody and they pick up their phone and start scrolling. Like I have many things I could be doing other than this. So we don't want to be that person.
Don't be that person. It's rude. It's, it's like saying, I don't care enough about you to spend time with you. You have nothing to offer, but Facebook is super important. Now I know that's truly probably not what they're thinking, but their actions are really kind of showing that. And so are mine. If I'm doing that, how do we enhance our credibility?
Hmm. Treating people like we want to be treated. Another valid point he made in his podcast that. hit home for me, and I know this isn't probably earth shattering, but we can't learn if we're talking, okay? We can't learn their perspective. We can't learn about them. We can't learn the new approach. We can't learn something that we might be missing if our lips are a flappin Maybe the slow to speak, slow to anger, quick to hear thing.
has some merit. Uh, and there's another scripture in the multitude of words, sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking. Your propensity to sin Is going to happen the more words you speak, right? I can think of several sins that happen if we speak too much.
Gossip, venting, anger, complaining, grumbling. What if we are actually quick to hear, slow to talk, slow to anger? What does that communication look like? I've really been practicing. It is life changing and I actually feel closer to my husband. So, good news. Take my advice. Preston also said in his podcast, the best time to talk is after you hear God speak.
So I'm guessing I am using entirely too many words as it is. So I, I talk a lot, so I'm really working on slow to speak, quick to hear, slow to anger. Humility is a big subject. So we could talk about it for hours, but I'm talking, um, In our situation here, as it pertains to building credibility with those we love, I think humility is knowing our part in things.
And this reminded me of something I learned from Darren Hardy. He wrote this book called The Compound Effect many years ago, and I followed him for a while. He had some great advice. Many moons ago, he said during his speech, something that That stuck with me forever and I, I think I lived this out is wherever you are in life right now is your fault.
Good or bad. You and only you are responsible 100 percent for every current result in your life. Good or bad, meaning if something good happens to me, I had a hand in it, but so does if something bad happens to me. It decreases your. Desire to be a victim. This was hard at first, but if you think about a situation or circumstance and you kind of ferret your way through it and go, okay, how did I contribute to this?
How did I contribute to that? You'll see your part in it. So, let's say, and I am putting myself out on a limb on this one, let's say you're in your, you, let's say you are in a narcissistic abusive relationship. What is your part in it? Did you say yes when you should have said no? Did you not listen to God when He warned you away from this relationship?
We have to look and go, what is our part? Did you not walk away when you were supposed to? We have to look at our part in every possibility. And I think the reason it's so important, and as a business owner, this is really important to me that employees do this. Because I know if they know they've made a mistake, they probably won't make it again.
or it won't be as severe, right? Cause I've, I've made the same mistake a few times in my life. So I'm not above that. But if I acknowledge that it's really difficult for me to do the same thing over again. So humility is knowing that you don't know everything and you are fallible and owning up to it, owning up to those mistakes to the person.
The other thing that I am learning throughout this process is that patience and tone does matter. These, these things matter, not nearly as much as the love, but I'll tell you what, If you have the love first, the patience and tone kind of work itself out. So that passionate thing, my husband tells me, you speak with so much passion and sometimes people feel like you're speaking at them.
And he's right. Cause sometimes I am. And What he is also right about is the passion isn't always a good passion. You know, sometimes it is anger or frustration or, you know, sometimes if it's about politics, I feel like sometimes I'm right and the other person's wrong, and I get a little passionate about it because I feel the consequences are big.
Especially now in the life, this world we're living in. And sometimes, sometimes I think I'm right. So, tone matters. Even if we're saying the right thing, our underlying feelings or frustration really do seep through, like with my husband, when I said all the right things. Proverbs, the book of wisdom, reminds us that a soft answer turns away wrath.
When we calm our tone, we See, I'm calming it right now. Doesn't that feel better? When we calm our tone, it guides the conversation in a healthier direction. My husband's really good at this. If we start to escalate, because I do get passionate, I do get excited, and I start talking like this, and he will bring down the tone a little bit.
And the cool thing about that is, I don't know if he's doing it on purpose, or if he was in the same sales class I was in, but I When we bring down that tone and somebody's really high up here, it brings them down and helps de escalate the situation. If we take the time to come in love, the tone does work itself out.
We don't want to be in strife with people, so why wouldn't we speak nicely, calmly, and gentle with them? That's what the Bible tells us. A soft answer turns away wrath. I think if we want these successful relationships, we need to lead with love, let God shine through us, invite Him into the conversation, show compassion when we are speaking to them, walk in humility.
Know our part, listen, give them grace that they're not perfect, right? God gave us so much grace. Okay, let's give them grace, right? If they don't articulate the idea right or they don't have the right idea, let's walk them through with patience and kindness. When we do that, We won't just be right, we might be heard.
And I want to thank you guys for tuning in today, and thank you for God. Thank you for your infinite love, grace, mercy. I pray each one of you is filled with His love. And it is revealed to you in a new and fresh, abundant way, and an overwhelming way, that you experience Him in a new and more intimate way.
I ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Thank you so much for joining me. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who you think might need to hear it. Like, subscribe, it helps us. And remember, we're all in this journey together. Learning, growing, and loving in God's truth. So, until next time, see ya.