Say No to People Pleasing

Are you a people-pleaser? This bad habit can cost you not only your time, but time with your family and other priorities too. Booth covers the causes of this bad habit and covers fives questions you should ask before saying "yes" to a new commitment.

Read Booth's blog post on people pleasing on her website.

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• (00:00) - Say No To People Pleasing
• (00:15) - Introduction: People Pleasers
• (01:21) - Where Do People-Pleasers Come From?
• (03:22) - My History with People Pleasing
• (06:19) - Attempting to Manage the Consequences of People Pleasing
• (07:46) - Five Questions Before I Say "Yes"

This podcast is produced by Rooster High Productions.

Creators & Guests

Host

Booth Parker, CPA

Financial guru by day; domestic diva by night and sharing it all in between.

What is MOM-enomics with Booth Parker, CPA?

Real moms. Real mom financial issues. Real moms in business. Real stories. I am Booth Parker. A CPA, wife, and mom that loves all things home and family. In this podcast, I talk all things money for moms, families, and small business. From tips to ideas to info you just need to know, I break it down so moms can apply it to their own families and businesses!

Say No To People Pleasing
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Introduction: People Pleasers
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Today on the podcast we are going to talk about people pleasers. So that may seem a little kind of odd of a subject to talk about because you don't have to be a mom to be a people pleaser. There's plenty of men, people pleasers and non mom people pleasers. Out there. However, if you are a people pleaser and a mom, it can negatively affect your family.

So that is the route we are going to go with it today. I am a self-professed people pleaser. I've been one my whole life basically, and I have dealt with overcoming it so that I can prioritize my family. So that is the way I'm [00:01:00] gonna speak about it today in case you also struggle with being a people pleaser and then that causing issues or problems with your marriage or your family or just your day to day life of getting things done.

Balance, that's a huge one. being a people pleaser can really throw your calendar and everything off balance.

Where Do People-Pleasers Come From?
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So generally if someone is a people pleaser, it is because they were conditioned to be one as a child. So if you grew up in a situation where your positive reinforcement, love self-worth, any of those kind of qualities, if you. I received those because of doing things that pleased someone else. You know, it was a conditional type situation.

Then that is generally what causes someone to become a people pleaser. They please, so that they get that positive affirmation and so that they're not [00:02:00] like walking on eggshells, wondering if they're in trouble or if. They've done something wrong. They want everyone to be happy. And so they do whatever it takes to make everyone else happy while neglecting themselves and what their own wants, needs, desires are at the time.

So if you are a people pleaser, if you become one growing up then once you get married or have children; then that motherly instinct, it even makes you want to do for others even more, that nurturing aspect of it. So when you combine the people pleasing tendency with this new nurturing aspect of wanting to do for others, it really kind of takes over.

And that is where self neglect can really, really happen. And then when that kind of. Erupts one day because you've neglected yourself so much, it causes issues. So you want to learn to recognize when you've, overextended yourself from the people pleasing [00:03:00] aspect so that you can refocus and rebalance what you're doing.

So a people pleaser is generally someone who also, can't say no to anyone. So when someone asks for something, they always say yes. And so I am very guilty of not being able to say no.

My History with People Pleasing
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So my people pleasing; one of the biggest, decisions I made about my life that was based upon people pleasing was my career path.

So I wanted to be an architect, but it would please others if I went the business route and went into the family business. And so I chose a completely different career path just based on wanting to please others and to have them happy with me. So that was obviously a major decision I made about my life based on the fact that it was pleasing others rather than being the actual thing that I really wanted [00:04:00] for myself.

And what's funny is on that career path, I have tons of instances I could give as examples of things I did that were people pleasing to others. But a lot of the times when we are people pleasing, others we're, we're definitely neglecting ourselves and what we want. But I ironically, a lot of the time we end up neglecting our own family because we're so preoccupied with pleasing coworkers or, extended family members, all of that kind of thing. And so a lot of times our own family can be affected. And an example that I did, we were on spring break. My son was pretty young when we did this. We went on a spring break, getaway to Okracoke and you have to take a ferry to get to Okracoke.

So it's not exactly just a little quick little drive. And there was a meeting at work I that even though I'd taken the week off, there was a meeting at work that I got kind of guilted because I wasn't going to be [00:05:00] attending and I was so distraught that I was, letting these people down, that I actually got up at four o'clock in the morning and made the five o'clock ferry outta okracoke.

Which got to the port at seven and then I had a two hour drive to the office and I made the nine o'clock meeting and then left at noon and got back, in time for dinner. So it doesn't sound like the end of the world, but the fact that I really felt that I couldn't miss this meeting because people would be disappointed in me.

The problem was that I was miserable doing all of that driving that day, and I lost a spring break day with my husband and my son. So there I was prioritizing, pleasing coworkers and other people at work rather than myself and my own family.

Then when I left Corporate America a few years, I was like, oh, well now I have all of this time to immerse [00:06:00] myself into like my son's school or the church or volunteering in the community. And before I knew it, I had gotten that reputation that I will say, yes if you ask me to do something. And guess what?

Before long, I was extremely overextended.

Attempting to Manage the Consequences of People Pleasing
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So once you get that reputation of being reliable, dependable, you're gonna say yes. Then people start asking and asking and asking, and they keep taking and taking and taking because you are agreeing to do all these things. You don't have a boundary of where you say no. And that's the thing, like you have to say, like your yes is your yes, and your no is your no.

And there can't be any kind of gray area, any gray area you're saying "yes." So learning to set like a firm boundary is really important and it has been a struggle for me to set those kind of boundaries because I'm so concerned that people will [00:07:00] be disappointed in me. But the truth is, is you can't make everyone happy.

You most likely can never fulfill their expectations. Because you don't even know what they are for the most part. And once you do put your foot down, then you might get a reputation of you're being difficult or something like that. And then the people pleaser definitely doesn't want that. So then you go back on that hamster wheel of people pleasing because you don't want to be known as someone who's being disagreeable.

So it's, there's a lot to decide that you are okay with as far as people's opinions or thoughts of you when you are setting your boundaries of what is best for you and your family.

Five Questions Before I Say "Yes"
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We recently went on a family vacation and while I was like unwinding and really enjoying myself. As we started to kind of get closer towards the end of the vacation, you generally kind of get excited.

You're recharged and [00:08:00] rejuvenated, and you get excited about things that you have coming up. And I found myself dreading certain things that I knew were on my calendar. And all of those things that I was dreading were things that I had put on my calendar because I couldn't say no, they weren't things. I wanted to do, so I decided that, and I'm, I'm making a lot of life changes in 2024, but one of 'em was going to be, I'm going to be much more cognizant of where my boundary is, where I say no, let things go, and I have to do what's right for me and my family long before I worry about anybody else.

So I created five little questions that I ask myself now before I commit to something. And if you struggle with these same things of people pleasing and you can't say no, I really encourage you to try these five questions, they might not all really pertain to you, but at least some of them should. So these five questions are very important [00:09:00] to ask yourself when you're trying to make that decision and if, and if your heart's not all in on doing something, then it is most likely a no. Okay? So, but here are the five questions.

Number one, is this thing that I'm being asked to do or feel obligated to do, whatever that is, is this thing aligned with who I am? Or who I'm becoming, the path I'm on of growth or anything like that.

Is it aligned in going to support those things? Because if it's not, then it's a no.

Number two. Is doing this thing, the best use of my time, this question is kind of aligned with my financial background. Kinda like, is this the best use of my money? So you can kind of relate it that way. Like, is doing this the best use of my time or the five hours a week that this is gonna take?

Would I be better off doing [00:10:00] X for five hours? Instead. So you just have to ask yourself kind of the opportunity cost of your time, and is this thing the best use of your time?

Number three, would doing this be investing, and this kinda goes back to the time, but investing myself in my time into the right relationships are the people that are involved in this.

Ones that I want to cultivate relationships with. So maybe you're being asked to do something that would surround you with people that could help your business or, get your child involved on some sports things that they're interested. So you've got to kinda ask yourself, is this going? And it, it's kind of like the alignment piece.

Is this cultivating the right relationships for me, or do I really not need to invest in relationships with these people? So it's a no. If you don't feel that those are good relationships for you to invest in.

Number four. Will this actually matter in five years or even a [00:11:00] year? Will it matter? And if you don't see that it's going to matter and affect your life, then it's gotta be a no.

Right? So it's something that's got to matter to you and to your long-term, life goals, path, journey, whatever you want to call it. So is it going to actually matter?

And number five, am I being appreciated for doing this or am I kind of being used for doing this?

So that is one you have to ask yourself. And if you're volunteering, things like that. You don't do it necessarily for the recognition, I guess some people do, but you're doing it because your heart's in it. But will you be appreciated? For doing it, and if people are asking you to do something to take advantage of you because you're a yes person or because maybe you have a talent that can help with this, if you're not going to be appreciated for what you're doing, then it needs to be a no.

[00:12:00] So people need to be appreciative of what you're giving up.

So I hope these five little questions resonate with you. If you really have trouble saying, no, you're a people pleaser like me, and you're just always feel like you have to say yes and not let people down and not disappoint them, but use those five questions to really make sure that you and your family are your priority before you go extending and obligating yourself and your time to other things that are not aligned and are not the best use of your time and that you're not going to be appreciated.

Thanks for watching and no more people pleasing.

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[00:13:00]