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"Rebel Mothers" challenges the stifling institution of modern motherhood and reclaims mothering as an act of liberation. Each episode we’ll explore the struggles and expectations mothers face in a world built to exploit them, unveil the systematic institutions that create these challenges, and develop strategies for dismantling these oppressive systems. We'll shed light on the intersectionality of motherhood, addressing the unique struggles faced by women of diverse backgrounds. And we’ll hear inspiring stories of fearless women who are redefining the narrative of motherhood.
Part 1. Invisible Labor: The Mental Load of Motherhood
Hello! Welcome to today’s episode, The Mental Load of Motherhood. This is going to be a 2 part series. Today I’m going to explain what the mental load is and talk briefly about the differences between the mental load and emotional labor, both of which fall under the umbrella of invisible labor. You’ve likely heard these terms before and as someone who appreciates clear language so we’re all talking about the same thing, I think it’s important to clarify what they mean. Next week I’ll do a deep dive into emotional labor but today we’re focusing on the mental load.
We’ll learn about how patriarchal capitalism benefits from women performing the majority of invisible labor, which can also be termed reproductive labor, and bearing the majority of the mental load,
Plus we’ll discuss how you can ease the mental load, whether you’re partnered or not, and if you are partnered I’ll give you some ideas on how to talk to your partner about distributing the load more evenly so you are less exhausted. And as a bonus, I’m putting a checklist of tasks that require the mental load in the show notes that you can use in your conversation with your partner, parents, in-laws, friends, or anyone else who can help you ease this burden.
So let’s start with understanding invisible labor. Invisible labor is all the chores that a member of a household does to keep it running, while their partner or rest of their family is totally unaware that they are tasks that need to be done. Much of this labor takes place within the domestic sphere, and Marxist feminists often refer to it as “reproductive labor.” Silvia Federici writes about reproductive labor, and it can be understood as all the unpaid labor that it takes to sustain a worker, so for example having a safe home to go to, healthy meals to eat, clean clothes to wear, all of which typically happens in the home. I’m going to nerd out and get technical on you for a minute so stay with me! In Marxist theory there’s something called “productive labor,” and that results in goods or services that have monetary value in the capitalist system and are thus compensated by the producers in the form of a paid wage, which basically means it’s work that you get paid for. Reproductive labor is associated with the private sphere and involves anything that people have to do for themselves (i.e. cleaning, cooking, having children, or, work that you do NOT get paid for, because it doesn’t create any kind of surplus value for the capitalist class.)
Ok, so basically, reproductive labor is labor that’s done in the home that is unpaid, and since you typically only hear “reproductive labor” in a Marxist context, I’ll usually just refer to it as invisible labor, which is more easily understood.
Ok, now let’s get into the mental load of motherhood, which is part of invisible labor. The mental load refers to the cognitive labor involved in researching, preparing, planning, organizing, and anticipating everything that is required to raise children, in addition to the actual tasks themselves. It’s all the stuff we have to remember and think about, it’s the mental checklist that seems to have no end—everything from remembering appointments and birthdays to planning meals and managing household tasks. And in heterosexual partnerships, it’s typically the women who manage the majority of the mental load. And I want to address something real quick - you’re going to hear a lot of gender stereotypes in this episode because unfortunately, they are still the norm. According to a 2019 study of nearly 400 married or partnered mothers in the United States, 88 percent reported they primarily managed routines at home and 76 percent said they were mostly responsible for maintaining regular household standards and order. This is typically not the case in same sex relationships, and of course single parents are 100% responsible. So a lot of this episode is geared toward the partnership between a man and a woman, because we’re still fighting back against these tired traditional gender roles.
What is the difference between the mental load, invisible labor? A lot of times these terms are used interchangeably, but they mean different things, and it’s important that we use them correctly.
You can think of the difference between invisible labor and mental load like this - the invisible labor is the chore itself, and the mental load is the THINKING about the chore, and these are both very real things that take time and energy. In fact, sometimes the mental load is much heavier - It’s easier to ask someone to complete a task for you than to do all the work involved in researching, planning, or thinking about a certain task.
Here’s an example of the difference between invisible labor and the mental load:
Doing the laundry is a chore, it is the invisible labor. Your partner or kids open their dresser and there’s clean clothes in there, ready to wear. They might not appreciate that they have clothes ready to go, or even think about how they got there. Even if they do appreciate the task, they might not account for all the steps it took to get them there. The steps involved in DOING the laundry, like gathering up the dirty clothes, putting them in the washer and dryer, folding them and putting them away, this is all invisible labor. The MENTAL load of laundry looks like this: you walk down the hall and see that the laundry basket is overflowing, so you have to mentally add “do the laundry,” to your ongoing task list. As you’re gathering stuff up you see that your 7 year old is wearing underwear that has holes in it, so you have to mentally add new underwear to your ongoing shopping list. When you throw everything in the wash you realize you’re almost out of laundry detergent, so you mentally add THAT to the grocery list. While you’re folding laundry, which should be a mindlessly pleasant task of handling clean, warm clothes, it occurs to you that the seasons are changing soon and you have to remember where you put all the winter clothes so you can pull them out of storage, sort through the coats and hats and mittens that don’t fit anymore so you can donate them, which means you’ll need to add a trip to the donation center in your schedule. As you finish putting away all the clothes, your partner brings you a dress shirt that’s missing a button and asks you where the sewing kit is and you lose your shit because you absolutely cannot handle one more thing in your tired little brain.
That’s the difference between the endless tasks of invisible labor and the totally exhausting drain of the mental load.
Now, let’s discuss an important point in all of this. Invisible labor and the mental load are not inherently unpleasant. Picking out birthday presents for a child, planning their birthday party, baking and decorating a cake - there is plenty of mental and invisible labor that goes into all of this, but the labor itself can be delightful and fulfilling. One of my Christmas traditions is to buy an ornament for everyone in my family, my three kids and my husband. I get so much joy out of thinking about what kind of personalized, meaningful or funny ornament I can give them. I’m doing invisible work and it takes a mental load but they aren’t burdensome or unpleasant. I have a friend who throws the most incredibly detailed birthday parties for her kids and I think she truly enjoys all the creativity and planning that goes into it.
But for some mothers, the idea of creating a magical experience for their family IS a burden, and there’s nothing wrong with being indifferent or even resentful about that. So you get to decide what feels like a burdensome mental load to you.
Now let’s briefly get into emotional labor. I often hear emotional labor used to mean all the household tasks a mother does, but emotional labor is something different, it isn’t synonymous with mental labor or invisible labor. These are three distinct types of labor and work, and I think it’s important that we use this language correctly, so quickly -
Sociologist Dr. Arlie Hochschild [hawkchild] first introduced the concept of emotional labor in 1983, and she called it “regulating or managing emotional expressions with others as part of one’s professional work role.” Originally this referred to the emotional labor involved in your job. So, for example, retail workers and baristas smiling and making cheerful small talk throughout their shifts, even if they’re having a personal crisis at home. Or school teachers remaining calm while parents blame or for their child’s poor grades. The point Hoschschild was trying to make is that while you may also be doing physical labor and mental labor in your job, you were hired for your ability to create and manage feelings for other people.
But since then, the definition has expanded beyond the workplace, to include personal relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners. And in motherhood, emotional labor is the essential work of managing and nurturing the emotional well-being of children and the family unit. It encompasses a wide range of responsibilities, from providing emotional support and guidance to mediating conflicts and offering comfort during difficult times.
Emotional labor is different from the mental load and invisible labor in that it’s not just a series of tasks; it's an ongoing and often exhausting effort that requires empathy, patience, and a deep emotional investment on your own part. While rewarding, it can also be overwhelming, especially when combined with the numerous other responsibilities that come with motherhood. I’ll explore emotional labor more thoroughly in next week’s episode, so stay tuned!
So let’s recap: Invisible labor in motherhood, also called reproductive labor, is all the physical tasks required to keep a household running smoothly. Mental labor, which is also invisible, is the very real work of THINKING about all the tasks required to keep a household running smoothly. Emotional labor is the work of being attuned to the emotional needs of your family and creating a safe and nurturing environment.
But if all three types of labor, invisible, mental, and emotional are very real and valid, and we know they take time, energy, dedication, and sometimes specialized knowledge, why are they so undervalued and often unseen and unappreciated?
This is not a mistake. This is not an oversight or accident. The fact that unpaid domestic labor labor is typically performed for free by married women sustains both patriarchy and the capitalist workforce, and there have been hundreds of years of systemic efforts to make this happen.
Under patriarchy, women are assigned to the role of primary caregiver and homemaker, because it’s assumed that they’re just naturally better at it than men. It’s this unspoken expectation that insists men should chase careers and participate in the formal economy, while women are left raising the kids, planning meals, scrubbing the bathroom, and providing crucial emotional support. This not only perpetuates gender inequality in the home, but also plays a crucial role in maintaining a source of free labor that capitalism exploits.
In a capitalist system, unpaid domestic labor is the invisible backbone of the workforce, and this is what Silvia Federici has been writing about for over 50 years. Women's unpaid work allows male partners to engage more fully in paid employment, which supports capitalist productivity. If women weren’t doing the unpaid work at home, men would have to hire someone to fulfill these necessary tasks, which means employers would have to pay them more, which means less corporate profits for shareholders. OR men would have to step up and perform the tasks themselves, leaving them exhausted and less functional at work. This arrangement perpetuates the gender wage gap, leaving women economically vulnerable due to their limited participation in paid work. What's more, it hampers women's chances for career advancement and financial independence, as they find themselves constantly drained by the never-ending demands of unpaid household labor. It’s like a vicious cycle of cause and effect.
And it’s exhausting. Mothers are overwhelmed and burnt out. Taking on the majority of this labor can affect your relationship with your partner, who may not even be aware of everything you’re juggling. It can affect your health and mental well-being because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else you don’t have time to take care of yourself. Your children are negatively affected by having a mom who is less available and more tired. And handling all this also means you have less time for joy, or for leisure, or creativity, or rest, or personal growth, or doing something simply because it brings you happiness and delight.
It’s why sometimes even the most well-meaning partners ask, “how can I help?” can actually make it worse. There was a period of time when I was totally swamped with work and the kids and everything just felt like too much so I asked my husband to take care of dinner. He replied, “no problem, I’ve got it. What are we having?” and just slumped down and felt like crying. I didn’t want to have to plan dinner, to think about the foods my family would actually eat and look in the fridge to see what was going to expire soon and then look up a recipe and make a grocery list and go to the store and bring everything home. I just wanted to sit down and have food put in front of me.
So what do we do about it? How can we ease the burden of the mental load on mothers? Well, there are collective and individual solutions.
Collective solutions could include advocating for shorter workweeks, flexible work arrangements, higher wages, and comprehensive social support systems. These measures would reduce the economic and time pressures on families, allowing parents to more fairly share domestic and caregiving responsibilities. Also, imagine if we lived in a society with major state investments in child care so that responsibility of raising the next generation was shared collectively instead of put entirely on the individual family unit. This could include generous maternity and paternity leave so both parents could participate in those intensely demanding early newborn days. It could include thorough and extensive postpartum care for new mothers; free or affordable child care with well-compensated caregivers; maybe even safe and clean housing, nutritious food, and clean air and water for everyone.
Also encouraging men to take on more domestic labor, including housework and child care, is not only beneficial for individual families but also for society at large. When fathers actively participate in household and caregiving responsibilities, it fosters healthier and more equal partnerships. It sets positive role models for children, demonstrating that both genders can share in the responsibilities of home and family life. This, in turn, contributes to more balanced and fulfilling family dynamics, reducing the burden on mothers and allowing for greater work-life balance. On a collective level, this shift challenges traditional gender norms and promotes gender equality, opening up opportunities for women to pursue careers, education or leisure.
But while we’re advocating for these societal changes, there’s still an immediate need to address the invisible, mental, and emotional labor of motherhood for individual mothers. Maybe you’re married to someone who is already aware of all this and he is actively working to equitably share the household and childcare tasks before you even have to think about them, and is also increasing his emotional availability to the children, while simultaneously showing gratitude and appreciation for everything that you do around the house.
One of the things my husband does consistently is the dishes. We both share in the cleaning up process after dinner, and he or I will wash dishes and load the dishwasher pretty equally. But every night while I’m saying goodnight to the kids he goes down to the kitchen and gathers up the last stray cup or spoon, loads it in the dishwasher, puts in the little detergent pod and sets the dishwasher to run. I never have to think about it. That task is completely off my mental load because I know he will take care of it, and if he has time before he leaves for work, he’ll unload the dishwasher too. I’ll wake up in the morning and the dishes will be clean and the sink empty and I don’t have to think about it or ask him to run the dishwasher or feel annoyed about it.
But maybe you’re not married to that person. So let’s talk about how you bring this conversation home to your partner. It’s an ironic truth that the task of trying to educate our partners or community on how invisible labor is overwhelming us is itself an example of invisible, mental, and emotional labor. And to that, all I can say is, I’m sorry. You’re right. It sucks. We are often the ones responsible for unloading our own burdens. Just know that you’re not alone, this is literally one of the most popular things I’m asked about, and the good news is that for many moms, once they start to open up and talk about this with their partners, they actually do get some assistance. Remember there is no shame in asking for help. Prioritizing your mental well-being is essential, not just for you but for your entire family. Being a revolutionary mother means we need to model the type of equitable relationships and partnerships we want to see in the world, so it’s critical to have these conversations.
And what if you’re not married or partnered? First of all I’m sending you a big hug, this is all really hard to manage on your own. Hopefully you have some type of support structure out there, maybe parents or friends who can help. These conversations apply to them too, and honestly, it’s probably easier to have this conversation with them than with a male partner.
Now before I talk about having a conversation with your partner about dividing up domestic labor, I want to offer a quick disclaimer: If you are currently in an abusive relationship or feel unsafe in any way, it is essential to prioritize your safety and well-being above all else. If you feel like you might be putting yourself at risk for harm by even discussing the division of labor around the house, please consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.thehotline.org for confidential support, resources, and assistance in escaping an abusive relationship.
If you feel like you can have a comfortable and respectful conversation about addressing the invisible labor or mental load in your household, here are some tips!
I’ve also created a free pdf called the Mental Load Checklist that you can access XX and in the shownotes.
Tip 1 - Make sure you have the conversation when you are NOT in the middle of fuming about chores. It can be as simple as asking your partner, “Hey, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with all the household tasks lately, can we sit down tomorrow afternoon and chat about some ways to make it a little easier for me?”
Tip 2 - Keep the first conversation brief. You might be feeling years of pent-up resentment but this isn’t the time to detail every single thing you’ve ever done for the relationship, the children, the house, his family, etc. Just start with what you’re feeling and name the problem as the mental load, not your partner. Like this, “You know how lately I’m always feeling too tired and burnt out to do anything? It’s because of the mental load, it’s this constant to-do list that I have running in my head about everything that has to happen in the house or with the kids.”
Tip 3 - From here it might be helpful to walk your partner through a specific example to describe everything involved in the mental load. I gave the example of laundry earlier, and recently I had to detail out to my husband all the work that goes into picture day at school, from putting it in my calendar, to shopping for new outfits that look nice but are also comfortable enough that they’ll actually wear them, scheduling haircuts, ironing the night before, making sure they leave the house neat and clean, and then managing the emails from school with specific photographer codes for each kid, selecting the picture package to purchase, cutting out small pictures to send to grandparents for Christmas gifts, and then putting the 8x10s in a frame for our family photo wall.
Now, my husband was certainly aware of some of these tasks. He even participated by showing our two boys how to tie neckties, and they enjoyed some nice father-son bonding time in our bathroom. But he truly was just unaware of every step involved in the task of “picture day.” And I could do this for nearly everything in our house, every item of clothing purchased for the kids, every vacation planned, every holiday or birthday enjoyed. Gah! I’m tired just thinking about it.
And this brings me to tip 4, which is addressing a point that I see brought up online, often by men, about “Dad jobs.” Please excuse the glaring gender stereotyping that will follow this point. Dad jobs are basically all the things that the MEN do in the household. Examples given include lawn maintenance, home repair, taking the car to get serviced, IT support, cleaning out the gutters, hanging Christmas lights, etc. You get the picture.
And certainly these things need to get done around the house by somebody. But there’s a few important distinctions between these tasks and the household tasks that typically fall to mom.
Few to none of these tasks are daily. The activities that it takes to run a household, like cooking, laundry, dishes, these need to be done every single day. Things done for children, like bathtime, homework, making sure they’re brushing their teeth, these are also done daily. The mental load of the daily work is daily, it is constant and never ending. The mental load for mowing the lawn is, maybe once a week you need to think about whether your mower has gas or needs to be serviced. Once a year you need to think about registering the car. The mental load of these infrequent and external tasks is minimal or nonexistent.
These jobs are often done out of the house and typically without children. The domestic labor that happens inside the house is repetitive and isolating, and if small children are around it’s sometimes just fucking impossible. If I set out to do a task like mop the floors, I am constantly interrupted by kids who need to find a pencil or want a snack or can’t find shoes or don’t like their sister. Whereas cleaning the gutters can be done in the fresh air, in solitude, maybe listening to a podcast. Even the crappy jobs like snow blowing the driveway in negative 10 windchill can still get done in peace and quiet.
And three. Dad jobs, or maybe we should just call them “maintenance jobs” are often visible and obvious. You can SEE the results of your hard work when you mow the lawn or hang Christmas lights, and everyone else can see them too. People can point to your work and say, “hey, great job!” And you can have a sense of pride and accomplishment in finishing a task. But the endless chores inside the house are often invisible, like getting the mail, sorting through clothes that don’t fit anymore, meal planning & prepping, helping with homework. Maybe you could look at a child that’s clean after their bath and feel a sense of pride but it also comes with a weary knowledge that you’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow. There is always more laundry to fold, more dishes to put away, more puzzle pieces to pick up, more empty toilet paper rolls to replace.
So when it comes to the mental load, there is far more weight and burden in thinking about the daily tasks than there are on the occasional tasks done outside. Both are important, all of these tasks are needed to run a household. Sometimes all it takes is listing out all the tasks and then dividing them up. You’ve probably heard about Eve Rodsky and the Fair Play book and card deck. That’s a great resource for this conversation, or you can download the checklist in the show notes to get the conversation started.
Conclusion - so to wrap this up, the mental load of motherhood is a profound and overlooked aspect of women's lives. As we've explored in this episode, the mental load involves the cognitive labor of planning, organizing, and anticipating everything required to raise children and manage a household. It's a constant and often overwhelming mental checklist that can leave mothers feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and burnt out.
This burden of invisible and mental labor, predominantly borne by women, has deep historical roots and serves as an invisible backbone of patriarchy and the capitalist system. There are collective actions we can take to advocate for change, and also encourage men to take on more domestic labor. On an individual level, it's essential for mothers to have open and respectful conversations with their partners about the division of invisible labor and the mental load. While these discussions can be challenging, they are so important for prioritizing your mental well-being and creating equitable partnerships. This is our job as rebel mothers.
Stay tuned for part two of our series, where we delve deeper into the concept of emotional labor in motherhood.