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"Pastor... can we talk?"
Those five words may become one of the most significant conversations of your ministry.
Every year, survivors of intimate partner violence quietly seek help from someone they trust. Often, that first person is their pastor. Yet many church leaders have never been trained to recognize abuse, understand trauma, or respond in a way that protects both the survivor and the integrity of the church.
In this foundational episode, Pastor Felix Cervantes explores the biblical responsibility of shepherds to protect the vulnerable while providing practical guidance on recognizing abuse, understanding trauma responses, and responding with wisdom, compassion, and appropriate referrals.
Whether you are a pastor, elder, ministry leader, counselor, or church volunteer, this episode will help equip you to respond faithfully when someone entrusts you with one of the most difficult conversations of their life.
In This Episode
In This Episode
- Why pastors are often the first person a survivor tells
- The difference between marital conflict and abuse
- Understanding coercive control
- The four trauma responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
- What Scripture teaches about protecting the vulnerable
- Practical first steps every pastor should take after a disclosure
Scripture
Connect with I Am What I Am Ministry
🌐 https://iamwhatiam.org
Find resources for pastors, churches, survivors, referral pathways, articles, and training opportunities designed to help churches become places of safety, healing, and restoration.
Equipping pastors. Strengthening churches. Restoring lives.
Equipping pastors. Strengthening churches. Restoring lives.
By the grace of God,
I Am What I Am Ministry
Creators and Guests
Host
KC
Designer
Kathryn Cervantes
What is I Am What I Am?
I Am What I Am exists to equip evangelical pastors and church leaders to recognize, respond to, and appropriately refer individuals experiencing intimate partner violence. Hosted by Felix D. Cervantes, this podcast combines biblical truth, practical ministry leadership, research-informed teaching, and real-world experience to help churches become places of safety, restoration, and hope.
Each episode explores topics including recognizing abuse, trauma-informed pastoral care, referral pathways, church policies, leadership development, survivor advocacy, and building healthier ministry cultures. As the ministry grows, the podcast will also serve as the foundation for the I Am What I Am Training Institute, providing ongoing education, church resources, leadership training, and practical tools for pastors and ministry teams.
Whether you are a pastor, elder, ministry leader, counselor, or church volunteer, this podcast will equip you to lead with wisdom, compassion, and biblical conviction.
Equipping pastors. Strengthening churches. Restoring lives.
Felix Cervantes (00:01)
They waited until everyone had left the sanctuary. Then they walked slowly toward the pastor's office and quietly asked, Pastor, do you have just a minute? He smiled. Of course. Fifteen minutes later he
Felix Cervantes (00:47)
They waited until everyone had left the sanctuary. And then they walked slowly towards the pastor's office and quietly asked, Pastor, do you have a minute? He smiled. Of course. Fifteen minutes later, that person admitted something they had never told another person. They weren't safe at home. The pastor, he loved Jesus.
Felix Cervantes (01:17)
He loved people, but he had never been trained for that type of conversation. And you know what? Maybe neither have you. As we get into today's teaching, we recognize that the church has a blind spot.
Felix Cervantes (01:51)
I want you to imagine something, okay? It's Sunday morning. I mean, the sanctuary is full. People are singing and praising, hands are raised to the Lord, and families are all sitting together. Everything looks normal. But statistics tell us something's very different. Somewhere in that congregation is a person hiding bruises. Somewhere else, as a husband living under emotional abuse, a teenager is watching violence happen every week at home.
Felix Cervantes (02:21)
Or a child believes that their fear is normal.
Felix Cervantes (02:42)
I want you to imagine something. It's Sunday morning, the sanctuary's full, worship is playing, people are singing, hands are raised to the ceiling for the Lord, families are all sitting together, and everything looks normal. But statistics tell us something very different. Somewhere in that congregation is a woman who's hiding bruises. Somewhere else is a husband living under emotional abuse.
Felix Cervantes (03:09)
A teenager is watching violence happen every week at home. A kid believes screaming and fear are normal. They're all sitting quietly and nobody knows. The truth is that IPV is not just a problem outside the church. It's inside the church. Sometimes hidden, sometimes misunderstood, often ignored. And before we go and point fingers at the pastors,
Felix Cervantes (03:38)
Let me say something. Most pastors have never been trained. Seminary teaches us theology, church history, the Greek language, the Hebrew language, sermon prep, but very few pastors receive meaningful training on abuse dynamics. So when someone finally discloses abuse, many shepherds simply don't know what to do. So let's have a shepherd's moment here today, okay? I want you to stop for just a moment, unless you're driving.
Felix Cervantes (04:08)
But picture your own church. Think about the congregation. Now ask yourself if someone knocked on your office door this afternoon and quietly whispered and said, Hey, Pastor, I'm afraid to go home. Would you know what to say? Would you know what questions to ask? Would you know who to even call? If your answer is, I'm not sure, listen, you're not alone.
Felix Cervantes (04:37)
And that's exactly why this ministry, I am what I am, exists. So I want us to now think like a shepherd, okay? I love the imagery here that Jesus gives us in John chapter 10. The shepherd, he knows his sheep. The shepherd protects the sheep. The shepherd goes after the sheep, and the sheep lays down his life for the sheep.
Felix Cervantes (05:15)
Now let's think like a shepherd here for a second. I love the imagery that Jesus gives us in John chapter 10. The shepherd, he knows his sheep. The shepherd protects the sheep. The shepherd goes after the sheep. And the shepherd lays down his life for his sheep. Now imagine one of those sheep has been wounded. And we're not talking by a stranger, but by someone they love. They aren't looking for judgment, they aren't looking for a lecture.
Felix Cervantes (05:44)
They're for safety. They're looking for someone to believe them. They're looking for hope. You know, one of the biggest mistakes that churches make is assuming that abuse is just another form of marital conflict. Well, let me tell you, it isn't. I mean, healthy conflict, yeah, that happens in every marriage. Even strong Christian marriages have disagreements. You know, people become frustrated, they communicate poorly.
Felix Cervantes (06:12)
They say things that they regret and then they apologize, they forgive, and then they work together towards reconciliation. I mean, conflict happens between two people who have equal influence within that relationship. But abuse, it's something entirely different. Abuse is not primarily about anger. Abuse is about power. It's about control. It's about fear. It's about intimidation. It's about
Felix Cervantes (06:38)
One person consistently using words and actions and threats, manipulation or violence to dominate another person. That's why we should never minimize abuse by saying, Hey, you know, every marriage has its problems. Yeah, every marriage has problems, but not every marriage has abuse. Those are two very different situations. And as shepherds, we have to be able to recognize that difference. Here's a story for you, okay? A pastor once told a woman, listen,
Felix Cervantes (07:07)
God hates divorce. Go back home. Just keep praying a little bit harder. I'm not telling you to be a doormat, but just submit more to keep the peace. And you know what? A few weeks later, she was in the hospital. Listen, that pastor, he wasn't evil. He simply didn't understand abuse dynamics. Good intentions are not enough. Knowledge and IPv is what really matters. This podcast exists.
Felix Cervantes (07:36)
So fewer pastors have to say, I wish someone had taught me this sooner. You know, one of the questions that I hear most often is where does the Bible actually tell pastors how to respond to abuse?
Felix Cervantes (07:51)
The truth is, while scripture doesn't use the modern phrase intimate partner violence or domestic violence, it repeatedly reveals God's heart towards those who are oppressed or mistreated or vulnerable. And you know what's interesting is this from the very first family, from the very first family with Cain and Abel, we see domestic violence. A brother kills a brother. That is domestic violence.
Felix Cervantes (08:21)
Intimate partner violence is considered where a couple has an intimate relationship together. They have a sexual relationship together. So that is what makes it intimate partner violence. But in the beginning of the Bible, we see domestic violence and all throughout the stories. Think about abuse, think about injuries, think about any sort of manipulation or lying or or death. That is all intimate partner violence.
Felix Cervantes (08:50)
Or domestic violence. So all throughout scripture we see it, it's presented to us. So just because the Bible doesn't say intimate partner violence or domestic violence, it is there. And let me show you what I mean, okay? The first passage is found in Psalm 82, verses three and four. The Bible says to defend the poor and fatherless, do justice to the afflicted and needy, deliver the poor and needy, free them from the hand of the wicked.
Felix Cervantes (09:18)
Think about those words. Defend. Do justice. Deliver. Those are not meant to be passive words. God isn't telling his people to simply, hey, notice that suffering over there. He's calling them to respond. And as pastors, we are shepherds. When someone comes to us seeking help, Scripture reminds us that.
Felix Cervantes (09:46)
We're called to stand beside the vulnerable, to pursue justice, and to help move people toward safety. I mean, that doesn't mean we become police officers. It doesn't mean that we become a therapist. It means that we refuse to ignore suffering when it's placed in front of us. Now, listen to what the prophet Isaiah writes here in Isaiah chapter one, verse 17. Okay, we read.
Felix Cervantes (10:15)
To learn to do good, to seek justice, rebuke the oppressor, defend the fatherless, plead for the widow. And I love how this verse begins here to learn to do good. Learning requires humility. Learning requires preparation. Learning acknowledges that we don't already know everything. Okay. I hate to admit it sometimes, but we don't know everything.
Felix Cervantes (10:42)
And I think that's encouraging because so many pastors have never received formal training on IPV. And that doesn't make them uncaring. It just means that they haven't had the opportunity to grow in that area yet. God's calling his people to pursue wisdom so they can faithfully respond to those who are experiencing oppression. Preparation is not a sign of weakness. In fact, preparation is an act of faithful stewardship. And now let's even come into the New Testament here, where James says,
Felix Cervantes (11:11)
He writes these words in James chapter 1, verse 27. He says, pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. James here, he reminds us that genuine faith is demonstrated by how we care for people who are suffering. Throughout Scripture, widows and orphans represent those who are vulnerable.
Felix Cervantes (11:40)
Those who often have little protection and those who can easily be overlooked. I mean, today there are many survivors of IPV and they find themselves in a very similar place. They may feel isolated, afraid, ashamed, they might be unsure of where to turn. And the church should never become another place where they feel ignored. Instead, our churches should become places where hurting people can come find safety.
Felix Cervantes (12:10)
Truth, wisdom, and hope. Now, let's think like a shepherd for a moment here, okay? Put your put your pastor hat on. Imagine someone from your congregation walks into your office tomorrow afternoon and they close the door, their hands are shaking, their eyes are filled with tears, and they quietly say, Hey, Pastor, you know, I don't know if it's safe for me to go home. And in that moment, listen, God isn't asking you to have every answer.
Felix Cervantes (12:37)
He's asking you to have a heart of a shepherd. And what does a shepherd do? A shepherd listens. A shepherd protects, they seek out wisdom. A shepherd cares for the vulnerable because that's exactly what the chief shepherd has done for us. And what I notice something, I I mean, think about this. All three of these passages here, none of them are specifically about marriage counseling.
Felix Cervantes (13:02)
None of them are specifically about intimate partner violence or domestic violence, yet every one of them reveals the heart of God. God consistently moves toward those who are vulnerable. He calls his people to defend them, to seek justice for them, and to protect them, to care for them. And as pastors, we are called to reflect the heart of the good shepherd. That's Jesus Christ.
Felix Cervantes (13:29)
That doesn't mean we become therapists. Again, it doesn't mean we become detectives. It doesn't mean that we replace law enforcement or licensed counselors. It means that we become faithful shepherds who recognize that suffering. We respond with compassion and wisely guide people towards safety and the help they need. And that's exactly what this podcast is designed to help you do. Before we finish today, I want to leave you with three truths.
Felix Cervantes (14:00)
First, believe enough to listen to someone. Second, safety comes before having solutions. And third, pastors are not expected to do this alone. Healthy ministry always involves wise referrals. If today's episode helped you, visit IAMWhatIam.org and there you're going to find free resources for pastors and church leaders.
Felix Cervantes (14:29)
That can help your church respond wisely and compassionately.
Felix Cervantes (14:36)
I'd like to leave you with one question to help you build and grow as a shepherd. If someone disclosed abuse to you tomorrow, would they leave your office safer than when they walked in? If you're not sure, keep listening to this podcast and we'll learn together. Let's pray. Father, give us the wisdom to recognize suffering, the courage to respond with compassion, and the humility to seek help when we need it.
Felix Cervantes (15:04)
Help us become shepherds who protect the vulnerable and reflect the heart of Christ. May our churches be places of safety, healing, and restoration. In Jesus' name, amen. Until next time, continue equipping pastors, strengthening churches, and restoring lives. By the grace of God, I am what I am.