Scum

"They predicted a surplus in the next ten years and the birth of someone in Judea"

"Jesus!"

Politicians have been relatively the same since the birth of...well...politics. It's a game, a show, a misdirection to some extent and it's all rather amusing. Caesar and Sensus have front row seats to the latest list of demands from the senate and their spokesperson, DecievIous. Was the name too on the nose?

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar and Decievious                 
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus                 
Thomas Taufan as Voice and Guard

Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Eighteen, Scum)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING

SENSUS: Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Yes, Sensus?

SENSUS: A delegation to see you.

CAESAR: Anthony Delegation?

SENSUS: No, my Lord.

CAESAR: I wonder what has happened to Anthony.

SENSUS: One of life's little mysteries.

CAESAR: He is. So who is here?

SENSUS: A delegation from the Senate.

CAESAR: Oh, by Bacchus' beard!

SENSUS: Senator Decievious is heading the delegation.

CAESAR: Oh, not Decievious.

SENSUS: I am sorry Caesar.

CAESAR: Call them then, let's get it out of the way.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call the Senators.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call the Senators!

GUARD 2: (DISTANT) Call the Senators!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Lot of bores lot of bores to Caesar's chambers.

CAESAR: I liked that, but it won't do me any favours. Have it seen to, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes my Lord.

HORN FLOURISH AND PEOPLE ENTERING WITH VARIOUS CATTLE SOUNDS.

DECIEVIOUS: Ave, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Ave Senator Decievious and Senators All.

SENSUS: Ave, State your business of State.

DECIEVIOUS: (SLIMILY) We have noticed that you are trying to pass restrictive measures through the
senate whilst the Grand Final at the Colosseum is distracting the populous.

CAESAR: How could you suggest such a thing?

DECIEVIOUS: Because we were the ones that suggested such a thing to you in the first place.

CAESAR: Ah, yes. That's right.

DECIEVIOUS: We feel that we cannot be silent on this issue and must go public.

CAESAR: Oh not again....

DECIEVIOUS: You leave us no choice unless....

CAESAR: Unless?

DECIEVIOUS: Unless several humble and tiny, tiny requests may be granted by the honourable and
generous Caesar.

SENSUS: So, state your demands.

DECIEVIOUS: Requests, Lord Caesar, we would never, demand. We request a pay rise.

CAESAR: You just had one.

DECIEVIOUS: But cost of living is going through the roof.

SENSUS: (SARCASTIC) Really? Who could have foreseen that?

DECIEVIOUS: Yes, well….Every time we get a pay rise taxes go up.

CAESAR: I know.

DECIEVIOUS: I mean yesterday I bought two sheep.

CAESAR: And how much did you pay?

DECIEVIOUS: Three sheep.

CAESAR: This worries me.

DECIEVIOUS: Why?

CAESAR: Well, aren't you in charge of treasury?

DECIEVIOUS: In a way.

CAESAR: In a way?

DECIEVIOUS: As much as I am the senator for treasury.

SENSUS: Said like a true politician.

DECIEVIOUS: Why, thank you. But I have returned three successive profits.

CAESAR: Surplus?

DECIEVIOUS: No, wise men. They predicted a surplus in the next ten years and the birth of someone in
Judea.

CAESAR: Jesus!

DECIEVIOUS: That's him. They were on their way there.

CAESAR: Interesting. What else do you demand?

DECIEVIOUS: Request, Lord Caesar, we would never demand. That orgies are made tax deductible.

SENSUS: They are.

DECIEVIOUS: Really?

SENSUS: Yes. Claim them under your business entertainment allowance.

DECIEVIOUS: Oh, I see. Excellent. Well, that only leaves one request.

CAESAR: It is...?

DECIEVIOUS: Front-row seats to the Grand Finals.

CAESAR: Oh, come now. This close to the event?

SENSUS: I think we can do this, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Really? I thought only the scalpers had tickets.

SENSUS: It is true but we scalped one.

CAESAR: A ticket?

SENSUS: No, a scalper.

CAESAR: Excellent. How was it?

SENSUS: Hair-raising.

CAESAR: Excellent.

DECIEVIOUS: Excellent indeed. We thank you for your kindness.

CAESAR: And I thank you for your silence.

DECIEVIOUS: Naturally. Ave great Caesar.

CAESAR: Ave noble Senator Decievious and Senators all.

ALL: Ave

PEOPLE MOVING OUT WITH CATTLE SOUNDS.

SENSUS: Well. That was interesting.

CAESAR: Complete scum, Sensus.

SENSUS: Indeed.

CAESAR: Makes political life so much easier.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones