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Harley gets a haircut and the internet has thoughts. Kevin becomes the King of the Elves while Harley won’t kill an undead Austin. Plus: a REAL review of Jen’s stew.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
For 25 years, Kevin Smith has tried to make his beardless, dickless twin of a daughter Harley laugh in real life. Now he does it every week on a podcast.
00:00:25
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
00:00:28
Speaker 2: I thought.
00:00:28
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, I got to share this with the kid. Let me see, let me get the picture right? Cool?
00:00:41
Speaker 3: Oh? What? What? What?
00:00:45
Speaker 4: What are you going to your ancess?
00:00:49
Speaker 5: When when I was a boy, my daddy sat me on his knee and he told me.
00:01:05
Speaker 1: He told me many things, and he said, son, there's a lot of things in this life that you're gonna have no use for.
00:01:22
Speaker 6: What's happening? Did I just take a drunk? What's happening?
00:01:30
Speaker 3: And when you get blue and you've lost all your dreams, there's nothing like a campfire and a big can of pin.
00:01:51
Speaker 4: This is this impromptu? Is this?
00:01:54
Speaker 1: I took up from a song that's from Tom Tom Waite's a Lucky day.
00:02:00
Speaker 2: He'll take you. He said, what are more? My dad is sho and he told me he told me.
00:02:09
Speaker 1: Anything, and he said, son, there's a lot of things in this world that you're gonna have no use for.
00:02:17
Speaker 3: And when you get blue and you've lost all your dreams, there's nothing like.
00:02:22
Speaker 2: A campfire and a cannabans. And then he jumps into the class course. Where has best count?
00:02:29
Speaker 3: Say? She dopp and said the school.
00:02:33
Speaker 1: He don't sing like that though, because he's got that great.
00:02:35
Speaker 4: I got too renditions of this song and was this the thing you were thinking of lately?
00:02:50
Speaker 7: All I got to since you begotten? I was like, man, I gotta make the next episode impact. And I was like, oh, I know, I'll get top weight.
00:03:01
Speaker 6: That's really what what I've been thinking.
00:03:06
Speaker 2: Here's what I've been thinking. Let me ask you this.
00:03:09
Speaker 1: Harley just got a new haircut, which as a father, I'm like, oh my god, that's adorable. You look as adorable as ever. What a great thing.
00:03:18
Speaker 2: What's the reaction then, to those who matter the most?
00:03:25
Speaker 1: People you'll never meet, total strangers who on Instagram if you click on their names, have private accounts and you can't even judge their hair bag. No, what's the reaction been, Like, Well.
00:03:37
Speaker 8: I got my bangs cut to be normal bangs, like a year you go, and then I just kept they kept growing, so I just kept chopping them and chopping them until they are what they are now. I guess they would be considered micro banks.
00:03:52
Speaker 1: Okay, and some mom's nickname when I met her Michael Banks.
00:03:58
Speaker 4: I don't want understand the joke.
00:04:03
Speaker 9: But some people, some people really love it. Some people think it's cool.
00:04:06
Speaker 8: I think it's cool, and then other people say really.
00:04:12
Speaker 4: Unkind things about it.
00:04:15
Speaker 2: For example, like.
00:04:15
Speaker 8: The comment I just saw minutes before sitting down to do this was.
00:04:23
Speaker 9: Why is your haircut so terrible?
00:04:26
Speaker 1: And I often and that came from you know, former President Barack Obama.
00:04:35
Speaker 4: I would be crying.
00:04:37
Speaker 2: Iluminary. What's online?
00:04:39
Speaker 1: Luminary?
00:04:42
Speaker 2: You know, with that much influence and.
00:04:44
Speaker 1: Power told you that your haircut suck?
00:04:47
Speaker 8: Just somebody was like less than a hundred followers in a private account.
00:04:52
Speaker 9: Also, the things people say about my haircut, I'm like.
00:04:56
Speaker 2: What they I don't care?
00:04:57
Speaker 4: What do they say.
00:05:00
Speaker 8: Everything about you except your haircut? Like I like everything about you, but I hate your haircut.
00:05:06
Speaker 1: You're just now or they always say this.
00:05:09
Speaker 8: No, no, just these micro banks right, because it's a specific look and.
00:05:14
Speaker 1: It's a little uma thermin in pulp fiction.
00:05:16
Speaker 9: Now, thank you very much.
00:05:18
Speaker 4: That's what I would hope for.
00:05:20
Speaker 2: Ninety's game recognizes nineties game.
00:05:24
Speaker 9: Thank you.
00:05:24
Speaker 4: I feel seen. I feel seen.
00:05:28
Speaker 8: But yeah, it's fine, it's fine. People have been saying me stuff since I've been on the internet.
00:05:35
Speaker 1: How much shit do you think you get for just because you're you, and like all the shift that comes with you, like this.
00:05:44
Speaker 2: Vegan fucking hippy, fucking piece.
00:05:47
Speaker 4: Nick comments are a lot legion.
00:05:50
Speaker 1: And how many are like you are the fucking daughter of that pieces shit?
00:05:56
Speaker 2: Like how many of you? What percentage would we? Oh my way? Like if I didn't exist, that you wouldn't.
00:06:03
Speaker 1: Have to deal with what a sad reality, both admitting like we'd much rather me be alive in this scenario where I never existed, but you're still you somehow okay, and so that it's one less thing they could come at you for, like I can't you know, I may not exist. I can't change your fucking bang situation.
00:06:28
Speaker 2: That micro bank ship. That's a war I can't get.
00:06:31
Speaker 1: But with eliminating me from the equation, what percentage less ship would you have to deal with?
00:06:42
Speaker 2: Online? You know what?
00:06:44
Speaker 8: It depends on what where the comments are, what posts slash content you could say the comments are on, like when it is about when I'm posting about veganism. Yes it's one hundred percent. People tell me they're gonna eat a steak because I as to give kindness to animals.
00:07:08
Speaker 1: I've seen those.
00:07:09
Speaker 2: Now I'm gonna eat two steaks.
00:07:11
Speaker 8: I really really hate that.
00:07:14
Speaker 1: I never understood the wisdom there where. It's just like, well, fuck, fuck your veganism. I'm gonna need a steak. I'm like, all right, well.
00:07:20
Speaker 4: Well I'm not.
00:07:23
Speaker 1: Like that doesn't hurt me, Like I'm not part of the vegan industrial complex. So you eating a steak, there is no skin.
00:07:33
Speaker 9: It is skinned.
00:07:34
Speaker 1: Skid is skin.
00:07:35
Speaker 4: I can't in spite of me, that's that hurts.
00:07:40
Speaker 2: That hurts.
00:07:41
Speaker 1: It's probably never gonna happen.
00:07:42
Speaker 4: I feel like that hurts.
00:07:43
Speaker 1: They thought they forgot about you the moment they fucking sent that comment. They do you really think they went to a restaurant and they're like Garson for Harley, I hope you feel this.
00:07:57
Speaker 4: Maybe the same guy who stays up all night fucking responding to people on that internet board. So perhaps perhaps, But but for people for you related.
00:08:13
Speaker 8: Ship comments, I would say in this twenty five to forty percent range.
00:08:24
Speaker 1: Ship was so fucking stick you were like, yeah.
00:08:36
Speaker 2: That was that's one.
00:08:38
Speaker 1: Never I've got too much time a mass another one.
00:08:45
Speaker 4: I don't know. No, I can't say.
00:08:49
Speaker 1: So they had fuck it.
00:08:52
Speaker 2: That's hole.
00:08:55
Speaker 4: Let's just let's just jump right over this house.
00:08:57
Speaker 1: We said sticks and the two dogs were like.
00:09:00
Speaker 4: Oh, yeah, they know the words.
00:09:02
Speaker 2: They do that.
00:09:02
Speaker 1: We noticed that they know the words sticks, and now every once in a while we just say sticks sticks sticks.
00:09:07
Speaker 2: You were like.
00:09:08
Speaker 8: Earlier when I came in, you were like, watch this, and then your mom just said stick stick.
00:09:14
Speaker 4: I was like, what the fuck?
00:09:16
Speaker 2: Dog? Like, they're they're they're doing it the day that we always wish for. All they're talking about is six.
00:09:23
Speaker 1: Sticks stick stick stick stick sticks stick. On your phone, you have a bunch of un read texts.
00:09:35
Speaker 4: You could say that.
00:09:36
Speaker 1: How many tell them? I'm going to tell you what I've gotten on read on on my phone.
00:09:40
Speaker 4: Yeah you go first. How about you expose yourself first?
00:09:44
Speaker 2: Okay?
00:09:45
Speaker 1: Mine says twenty twenty to zero. Oh okay, And I know that are unanswered. Are mostly like, you know, fucking request to go to a thing.
00:10:02
Speaker 4: But yeah, okay, Well.
00:10:05
Speaker 2: What what do you got over there?
00:10:07
Speaker 1: What's on your phone? What is the young Holley?
00:10:11
Speaker 8: Well, as a representative from the young Hollywood community, I can say that right now I have two and fifteen on.
00:10:21
Speaker 1: Red texts, twenty one hundred unread texts, yes, number one. I don't even know you could fucking have that many?
00:10:33
Speaker 8: Oh, These are from years. These are years and years of unread texts because I never deleted anything because I'm because I'm.
00:10:43
Speaker 4: Nostolgia and scared.
00:10:45
Speaker 1: So you have texts from like high school.
00:10:48
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, down in there.
00:10:50
Speaker 8: If I scrolled, oh yeah, they're there, and I went down into the fucking pits.
00:10:57
Speaker 4: Of these texts.
00:10:59
Speaker 2: That's it.
00:10:59
Speaker 4: I find some crazy.
00:11:00
Speaker 1: Shit, fucking show man like.
00:11:03
Speaker 9: Oh god, I'll start that life kind.
00:11:06
Speaker 1: Of show where the like the motherfucker just won't get rid of their texts. And so you scroll through and every time you hit a memory, go back.
00:11:14
Speaker 4: To that Oh wow, yeah, and so.
00:11:17
Speaker 1: You get to jump all throughout that person's so smart.
00:11:21
Speaker 2: Right, Well there's another call, Holy shit, call home.
00:11:25
Speaker 1: They're like, we don't do that sort of thing. Is Santa involved?
00:11:29
Speaker 2: Then? Why would we do this? Twenty one?
00:11:33
Speaker 1: Do you ever hope to answer any of them?
00:11:37
Speaker 9: Any of them?
00:11:39
Speaker 2: Yeah?
00:11:39
Speaker 1: And what moves one to the read.
00:11:42
Speaker 8: List when I when I respond? But there are just some texts that I just don't want to really respond to.
00:11:55
Speaker 4: And I don't I really, I really don't love.
00:11:59
Speaker 9: Being being accessible at all times.
00:12:02
Speaker 1: Is that a generational thing?
00:12:04
Speaker 2: Yeah?
00:12:04
Speaker 8: Because when you were growing up, you could not be accessible at all times. Someone could ring your lambline and like trot to find you.
00:12:14
Speaker 1: You realized we never called.
00:12:15
Speaker 8: It land whatever it's called a phone.
00:12:19
Speaker 2: There were no options.
00:12:20
Speaker 4: But I don't I don't know that you did.
00:12:23
Speaker 1: Have a cordless phone. There are certain points, yeah, when they did introduce the cordless phone, which was like, you know, most phones had a windy, oh yeah, fucking chord that you could only go so far. Progressive families, I mean progressive meaning like you know, social agenda, progressive meaning like, oh shit, let's get a double cord. Wow, I have friends. You'd go through the whole fucking house with the phone, and the cord would stretch like to the other, from.
00:12:50
Speaker 2: One side of the house to the other.
00:12:52
Speaker 1: That's low Tree at twenty one Jackson Street, where I was raised by Mammalin and fucking Popoly Grandpopoli and ship no such life.
00:13:01
Speaker 8: I was gonna, oh no, I didn't want to assume, but I was wondering how long your cord was?
00:13:06
Speaker 2: Kitchen phone?
00:13:07
Speaker 1: Was the kitchen phone right, and could go and oh my god, like it's the longest phone conversation you feel you've.
00:13:14
Speaker 4: Ever had in your life, three four hours.
00:13:18
Speaker 1: Okay, like try eight nine overnight phone calls and stuff. You couldn't get that going during the day, especially if you were a single line house, and like there was constant imagine whenever you were talking to your friends, me or a mom would be like, would you get off the phone? Maybe Grandma's trying to call. Get off the phone. You're tying up the line because there was only one fucking line and you didn't have your own super secret, special fucking line and shit, nor did you have a cell phone. It's a mind bending, fucking primordial stoop caveman time.
00:13:50
Speaker 4: I'm envious of it.
00:13:51
Speaker 8: I'm super fucking envious.
00:13:53
Speaker 1: Is that you don't like to be able to I put my phone to sleep. I was gonna say, fucking somewhere lucky and Birdie like what. I put my phone on airplane mode like all the time, so that I could slight not be bothered.
00:14:09
Speaker 8: And then I call mom because I think that you've a terrible accident because your chext won't go through.
00:14:16
Speaker 2: Walking out cold and all sudden.
00:14:18
Speaker 1: Jennifer's like, get up.
00:14:21
Speaker 2: She's like, your daughter's your daughter needs you talking about She's like, she said, any text you thinks you're dead.
00:14:29
Speaker 1: Called up.
00:14:30
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm not dead, mom yelling at me.
00:14:32
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm not.
00:14:32
Speaker 8: Yelling at you, and she was, I'm so sorry. I'm not I'm so sorry to put you in that picture.
00:14:37
Speaker 1: You thought, because the text didn't go through, that I was at the bottom of some cliff or something like that.
00:14:41
Speaker 4: Yeah. Wow, Well, with the way.
00:14:45
Speaker 1: That you dry, I don't drive that reckless man anymore.
00:14:50
Speaker 8: As someone who has been in the car with you recently, I would not agree with that statement. But whatever you want to tell yourself. But I in my mind, just because of the facts, it brings me to some pretty morbid outcomes I suppose.
00:15:08
Speaker 1: And you thought for a second, it's like, I'm like, I'm at the body him of a cliff.
00:15:11
Speaker 3: And have to eat him on foot to stay alive.
00:15:16
Speaker 4: Wow, that's better than my scenario.
00:15:20
Speaker 3: Let him found my magical lambs. If they make him their king may all.
00:15:27
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what I was thinking when I called him in there.
00:15:29
Speaker 1: Perhaps I won't call that.
00:15:34
Speaker 2: If you found out, like let's say.
00:15:39
Speaker 4: I don't want to go into the hypothetical.
00:15:42
Speaker 2: Let's say you found let's say I like.
00:15:45
Speaker 1: Disappeared you just you disappeared, yeh, vehicle and all. So it didn't what didn't look like an accident. It looked like it was intentional, Like I just ran.
00:15:56
Speaker 2: Okay, number one? Could I ran? Could I run? Iran? Is I like?
00:16:02
Speaker 1: Am I after all this time of trying to build, you know, a business and fucking put my face out there? Is it possible for me to run?
00:16:14
Speaker 4: I don't.
00:16:14
Speaker 8: I don't know how incognito you could be.
00:16:18
Speaker 1: On the run, shave completely, stop wearing baseball caps. They'd be like, I could also shave what's left of my head?
00:16:27
Speaker 9: Is that Kevin Smith looking really weirder?
00:16:31
Speaker 2: I don't know.
00:16:32
Speaker 1: I bet you, I bet you. It's like the Harry Potter invisibility cloak Man. Remember when I was younger and I wore the hockey jerseys all the time, People always looking for the hockey jersey. So if I didn't have a hockey jersey, I had a few minutes before people are like, I'm still looking for the hockey jersey. The pre disposition toward like, oh, I know what he looks like and stuff. So I could shave all my facial hair, including the hair on my head, and stop wearing baseball caps and might be able to disappear for a while, go off the grid?
00:17:00
Speaker 4: Should we try? Should we try it?
00:17:03
Speaker 2: Now?
00:17:04
Speaker 1: Let's say I disappeared and then you know, I mean really never mind, like you were a shaved head. Shouldn't you be going? Why are you going off the grid?
00:17:17
Speaker 2: What happened?
00:17:20
Speaker 9: I can't even imagine you without a hat on? I literally cannot even imagine.
00:17:26
Speaker 1: Could you imagine I've been off the like I disappeared, and like ten years later, you run into me at a fucking food store, bro, and.
00:17:34
Speaker 8: I would beat your fucking ass because you just fucking often left.
00:17:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, but what you don't know why? Oh?
00:17:42
Speaker 4: Please saw me.
00:17:44
Speaker 2: Fucking alves? Maybe they're can't. Oh what if I believe?
00:17:50
Speaker 1: Like I was like, like, I was like, I'm serious. I know that sounds crazy, but like that's true.
00:17:55
Speaker 9: I think I would still beat your ass.
00:18:00
Speaker 2: But what if?
00:18:00
Speaker 1: But what if I was like, I can bring you to the magic Glen and show you.
00:18:04
Speaker 9: No, actually, I'd be like I found him and he needs help right now, he needs help right away.
00:18:11
Speaker 1: See this also sounds like a fucking TV movie. This sounds more like a Hallmark movie. And then because you're all cold hearted and shit and you're like my father's crazy. And then it turns out there were fucking elves and I was their king and shit, and it softens your fucking heart and you decide that love is all you need and stuff credits curtains.
00:18:32
Speaker 4: Did you have other elf children.
00:18:36
Speaker 2: When I went away? Why would I fuck an elf?
00:18:40
Speaker 10: I don't know.
00:18:40
Speaker 4: You're there king for a buck's sake?
00:18:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, And as they're king, I've earned their trust. You think I'm gonna start fucking up people who like the king.
00:18:48
Speaker 4: Has your plan is here?
00:18:52
Speaker 1: That would be like, you know, fucking like the dogs make me their king and I'm gone for ten years and they're like, did you have puppies?
00:18:58
Speaker 3: I'm like dogs.
00:19:00
Speaker 2: They made me their king. That was cool enough.
00:19:03
Speaker 1: Not everything's about fucking sex. When you're made fucking the king, you're in charge of a lot of lives and ship.
00:19:10
Speaker 8: I I I'm so sorry to downplay your responsibilities.
00:19:14
Speaker 1: I've seen a lot of Game of Thrones. I know what happens to kings who are so busy. Fucking man, you gotta you gotta pay attention.
00:19:21
Speaker 2: You gotta be like King Arthur Man.
00:19:22
Speaker 1: You and the land are one and ship like an EXCaliber. Whatever happens to you happens to land and so forth.
00:19:30
Speaker 9: Just keep your eye on the price in that instant, keeping the elks happy.
00:19:36
Speaker 1: Would there be any way that I could convince you that like it had happened and ship or would you you think it was like well number one, did you think? Would you think I was crazy? Would you think it was drug induce or would you think I was lying to cover for something and using magic else to do?
00:19:54
Speaker 10: If that was.
00:19:55
Speaker 11: Your line to cover for your ten year absence, yes, wow, I'd probably think you your mental stability had gone completely downhill, right, would definitely be questioning what your drug use was.
00:20:15
Speaker 1: What if I'm like, I haven't smoked weed in like ten years, because they don't, I won't.
00:20:19
Speaker 4: Really be worried about weed, but I'm more concerned.
00:20:23
Speaker 2: Look, I did drink elve ale.
00:20:27
Speaker 1: Like once on a Christmas holiday once when I was really sad about not being able to see my family.
00:20:33
Speaker 4: Ever, Oh my god.
00:20:35
Speaker 1: But other than that, no, a king can't be fucking drunk. I've read enough history to know what happens. I was a good kid, Yeah, good.
00:20:42
Speaker 8: Your teen your responsibilities really seriously, incredibly seriously, I'm proud of you for that.
00:20:47
Speaker 9: I would probably I maybe just I would assess.
00:20:53
Speaker 4: I would assess your.
00:20:55
Speaker 8: Current state of being in mind, and then I would probably work through the ten years of anger that I've had towards my towards my father who left me to be with the elves, and I would want to.
00:21:11
Speaker 2: Well, you don't have to say it like that, like left you to be with the elves.
00:21:14
Speaker 4: That's how it seems twenty.
00:21:15
Speaker 2: Four years old, like you got this so we don't even know talk. We're in jeopardy, so we don't even talk.
00:21:21
Speaker 1: I just I went off the grid.
00:21:23
Speaker 4: So you just fucking go.
00:21:26
Speaker 1: Because that's the way it is in these stories, man, the way it is sometimes you meet it.
00:21:32
Speaker 12: It.
00:21:34
Speaker 1: Is this, yeah, and the stories man, it's like you gotta hey, man, we need you right now. And if you do this, you can't go back. It's like splash, you know, like fucking Madison the Mermaid, she could never come.
00:21:50
Speaker 13: Back right cry, Oh my gosh, what were you doing watching the fucking Magan Levy.
00:22:07
Speaker 1: I was trying to sell Harley on Megan Levy because what was her name? Kate Mara was at the Mercy for Animal shindig that Harley went to the other day, and she i was like, who was there? Because I went to this thing years ago and fucking Joaquin Phoenix was there.
00:22:24
Speaker 4: Was at our table?
00:22:26
Speaker 2: Yeah, at our table it.
00:22:28
Speaker 4: Was as Quaquin Phoenix, Moby. It was crusty.
00:22:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, the most hated people in America. But he was like that was before the Oscars. Agree. I think.
00:22:39
Speaker 1: I don't know if he was if they had even announced the nominations yet. I guess they had, so he was nominated, but he hadn't. The Oscars hadn't happened. And I was outside and he was outside, and we were bullshit. We just had like a fucking conversation and I was like, bro, I go fucking deep. I said, I've been watching since Parent that you're an ele of an actor and ship and he was real nice and but I was like, you're you're definitely winning that Oscar this year. And he's like, you think? And I was like, oh my god, you know because he was just a real sweetheart. Yeah, he's we won the Oscar and I take credit for.
00:23:12
Speaker 4: That, and that was because of you that.
00:23:15
Speaker 1: When he wanted he was just like I talked to Kevin Smith that night at Mercy Friend all natural and whatnot. Real actors do weird ship like that, like that normal people do. I don't when I'm acting, and I'm like, but fucking real people are like, I don't know.
00:23:34
Speaker 2: I was just fucking I felt like having a sandwich one.
00:23:40
Speaker 1: Yes ship by any event, this Mercy for Animals gig Hardy went to This Year and so I was like, who who was there looking for like the this Year' Joaquin Phoenix and who would have guessed? Megan Levy.
00:23:55
Speaker 4: Megan Levy, the.
00:23:59
Speaker 2: Lady who played Megan le Mara.
00:24:02
Speaker 1: Yes, it was also somehow related.
00:24:04
Speaker 9: To Joaquin Phoenix dates her sister Maura.
00:24:10
Speaker 4: Maybe they're married.
00:24:11
Speaker 8: I'm not sure, but there's a tally iconic photo of them on the stairs of a vegan little vegan restaurant named Monty's the Burger Joint, where Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix are sitting on the stairs outside of Monty's with their food and he's holding an oscar and it's.
00:24:34
Speaker 2: Pretty kind of like this Year's Apology and Madi.
00:24:39
Speaker 10: So funny.
00:24:41
Speaker 2: If I ever win anything ever again.
00:24:44
Speaker 10: Get fast fo fast food.
00:24:46
Speaker 6: I can sprint your like, take a picture of me, please, seem like someone else did.
00:24:57
Speaker 1: Like Kevin James is so thirsty.
00:24:59
Speaker 8: I'll be like, look look at what.
00:25:03
Speaker 2: Hey, everybody look queens himself.
00:25:08
Speaker 1: They're like, you must be Leah Remeny.
00:25:09
Speaker 14: You're like, I am, Yeah.
00:25:15
Speaker 2: All right, so.
00:25:17
Speaker 4: Hmm, that's Leman.
00:25:19
Speaker 1: I guess we're done with those fucking elves.
00:25:22
Speaker 8: I guess I mean the moral of the stories. I would just be really fucking concerned for you and your overall well being. And if you took me to the elves, then I would truly be that would be a gigantic mind fun.
00:25:34
Speaker 2: Then you would forgive me, then you'd be I wouldn't forgive what happens in those stories, in those moments.
00:25:39
Speaker 4: I wouldn't forgive.
00:25:40
Speaker 2: How could you not forgive?
00:25:41
Speaker 1: If, like literally, if the elves are like, that's hey, that's from that's all came back.
00:25:46
Speaker 4: You didn't have you didn't have a phone.
00:25:50
Speaker 2: We're twenty anymore.
00:25:57
Speaker 4: I still need a fun.
00:25:59
Speaker 1: From twenty But you can make it from twenty four to thirty four and then find out that, like fucking I was big with the I.
00:26:05
Speaker 4: Hate this hypothetical.
00:26:07
Speaker 2: It gave me magic.
00:26:09
Speaker 4: Oh they'll get hit fucking mention.
00:26:11
Speaker 1: That at the end of the story I could fucking take to bring us back to ten years and ship while still retaining everything we know, which gives you a second bite at the apple because remember you killed that kid in high school. So as this part of the story way wait, no, no, no, no shoes.
00:26:31
Speaker 2: So it so fucking so much. Yeah, it was fucking traffic guys, right, and you've been haunted by it.
00:26:38
Speaker 4: That's the part of the story, not real life.
00:26:40
Speaker 2: Just clarifying.
00:26:41
Speaker 1: Now, by going back ten years, you'll be able to FuG and erase that ship like that.
00:26:48
Speaker 2: Look, I had to think something I was going to be like that.
00:26:50
Speaker 1: Well that you accidentally killed Austin, so that makes even more arch But then you could that is even better because then you can bring them back to life.
00:26:58
Speaker 10: Oho.
00:27:00
Speaker 1: Well when you put it that way, then in the sequel, Austin's in therapy because he was like, I was dead. I've seen the other side and there's nothing like. I am desperate to stay here now because all that exists on the other side of this isn't empty. A hole in the ground chills. He's like, Harley, we must live. We must do everything we can to live.
00:27:23
Speaker 4: Wow.
00:27:23
Speaker 1: And he's like, so in order to do that, we have to start eating the elves.
00:27:30
Speaker 2: But my father is the.
00:27:32
Speaker 4: Elf king, and I'm pretty sure he has secret.
00:27:37
Speaker 15: Thrown a ship rides itself your performances right there, but my father, yes, but do.
00:27:48
Speaker 4: You have an elf queen? Be honest, No.
00:27:52
Speaker 2: Again, why would I fuck an elf? They're like this small use an elf like a fleshlight. Goddamn it. He's the only place elf world is where I'm a giant. But no, there's no queen.
00:28:07
Speaker 1: They don't like they just made me the king because I protect of.
00:28:12
Speaker 4: Course, sorry for not understanding that.
00:28:14
Speaker 1: Part, dumb kids.
00:28:20
Speaker 2: Sorry, she doesn't understand how it goes these stories.
00:28:25
Speaker 4: Dumb as don't get it.
00:28:29
Speaker 1: But yeah, so then it becomes about how you have to choose between me and the man you love, your.
00:28:36
Speaker 2: Father, because Austin when he came back, is like the.
00:28:41
Speaker 1: Only way to stay alive in this world to eat the elk them. And he's like, and I've been to the other side. This is no speculative bullshit.
00:28:51
Speaker 2: This is like we don't know what he's like.
00:28:53
Speaker 1: I know it's on the other side and it's it's fucking nothingness and it's a void and like the we never want to go back there hardly. So he's got like good intentions, but you know, in order for something to live, something's got to fucking suffer and or die in this world. So it takes that concept and it makes it even a little more crimson because it's like.
00:29:12
Speaker 2: You know, it's not like plants.
00:29:13
Speaker 1: He start amazine fucking things, they're like, please don't now crunch and.
00:29:17
Speaker 2: You gotta eat them alive.
00:29:19
Speaker 9: That's part of the story, you know, for veganism.
00:29:24
Speaker 2: Perhaps perhaps there's a lesson, a.
00:29:26
Speaker 9: Lesson to be learned at the center of this too.
00:29:30
Speaker 2: Could be could be something to learn.
00:29:33
Speaker 8: Well, then my answer would have to be to go with you and the elves, even though I am. I am upset with you still, and it would have to take it would have I would It would take a moment time out.
00:29:46
Speaker 1: Your fucking boyfriend is like, we're gonna eat the magic elves to fucking stave off debt, and you're somehow still mad at me. Bull happened ten years ago. Remember you still can't be mad.
00:29:58
Speaker 2: We brought time.
00:29:59
Speaker 4: Back for ten years. I thought you die, yes.
00:30:02
Speaker 16: But then with the magical gift that I was able to give you of like guess what, we're rolling time all the way back, So you didn't lose those ten years, plus your boyfriend came back to life, so you're done with the whole.
00:30:14
Speaker 2: Where were you for ten years? That fucking shit is in the back.
00:30:18
Speaker 4: But I thought my dad died, Yeah, ten years. It works through.
00:30:21
Speaker 1: I thought that the new problem is, like, my formally dead love of my.
00:30:26
Speaker 2: Life is back.
00:30:28
Speaker 1: But the only way I can keep him is if I let him eat the elves that my father worked so hard to protect for ten years.
00:30:36
Speaker 9: I would have to tell him I'm going to protect the elves.
00:30:40
Speaker 1: Tell him, what do you mean? Tell him you can't risk that. I mean, I don't know that you tell him because he's just like, I'm sorry, Harley.
00:30:48
Speaker 2: I'm not going back.
00:30:50
Speaker 4: And then he kills me.
00:30:52
Speaker 2: He tries to straggle.
00:30:53
Speaker 4: You shit, but I killed him the first time.
00:30:56
Speaker 2: No, he got no.
00:30:58
Speaker 4: You know, he died in a tragic incident.
00:31:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm trying to think something unlikely to happen to him. Bear, Okay, eating by bear makes sense. So you run back to life, and fucking he's never going back to the other side. And if that means eating elves, well then fuck your dad. He's eating elves. And he's like, come on, Hartman, you've never even seen these elves until recently anyway, And what do you give a ship like, it's going to keep me alive? Don't you love me?
00:31:29
Speaker 4: I would have to say no, that's when he turns on.
00:31:36
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, you can't ever tell anybody.
00:31:42
Speaker 4: Is an elf going to help me out of the situation.
00:31:45
Speaker 1: Like I said before, this ship just writes it absolutely right.
00:31:49
Speaker 2: As you're like gasping and Joe all of.
00:31:51
Speaker 17: A sudden and he falls on top of you, and there's five elves because they're strong, and you are on the brink of death, and one of the elves is are like, eat me, you'll stay alive.
00:32:06
Speaker 2: A noble fucking thought.
00:32:08
Speaker 1: But you're like, that's now I'm committing my life.
00:32:12
Speaker 8: They offered one of them off, Yeah.
00:32:15
Speaker 1: Because you were he almost choked you the fucking death.
00:32:18
Speaker 8: Oh that is that really speaks to the character the elves.
00:32:23
Speaker 1: So you know, they broke a pot, over said, and.
00:32:24
Speaker 4: That knocked him out, and ship, oh they didn't. I thought that they stabbed him with five small knives.
00:32:36
Speaker 2: So they knocked him out. But they're like, you know, he's.
00:32:40
Speaker 1: Still breathing, okay, And they sound like that, so they.
00:32:47
Speaker 2: Tell you they're like you know they they're like, you have.
00:32:50
Speaker 1: To protect us, take the broken pottery and cut his juglar.
00:32:56
Speaker 2: After all?
00:32:57
Speaker 4: Okay, so the l's aren't killers, are just in me?
00:33:01
Speaker 2: How do you think they? I became king like I was willing to do ship the elves were not willing to do.
00:33:06
Speaker 4: And how did you get in this situation?
00:33:09
Speaker 1: Some enchanted brook? So anyway, that don't matter, that shit happened ten years ago.
00:33:16
Speaker 2: You're right now. We got bigger fish to fucking no.
00:33:24
Speaker 1: But you gotta let it go, bro, like fucking frozen style, because we got we gotta deal with, like what are you gonna do?
00:33:29
Speaker 2: Are you gonna cut Austin's jugular?
00:33:31
Speaker 1: Do you cut his jugular with the broken pot that the elves used?
00:33:36
Speaker 2: Because if he gets up, he's gonna be all days.
00:33:38
Speaker 1: First thing he's gonna do is grab one of these elves to eat it so he can power up and ship. And the thing is, the more elves you consume, like feeds all five at once, he grows into like a hulk sized version of Austin roid raging and ship.
00:33:50
Speaker 3: Just a whoa.
00:33:54
Speaker 1: Smash, Oh my god, yeah, you go what you wish for?
00:34:01
Speaker 10: You wanted to back and now what happens?
00:34:05
Speaker 2: So what do you do?
00:34:08
Speaker 8: Could I lock him up?
00:34:12
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, but then he where you gonna lock him up? In the garage, He's tapping at the door, fucking Brady. Grady's like, you know, if you'll commit to correcting the problem, sir, is that shining?
00:34:33
Speaker 7: Yeah, there is a Delber Grady alp Who's just like, I can let you out if you will correct the problem, sir.
00:34:41
Speaker 1: He's like, the problem. The problem is the girl, sir, the girl that loves you but loves the elms more.
00:34:52
Speaker 2: Can you eradicate the problem? Sir? Yeah, do that. I'm never going back. I was dead once to be or her. Let me out of here, double Grady yell. Now we're the Shining territory. Now he's chasing you through a hotel. Well, I certainly not chasing you through your house.
00:35:12
Speaker 1: The chase with the last three seconds.
00:35:16
Speaker 9: I'm glad that's recorded an on camera.
00:35:20
Speaker 2: That was rude, adorable little house. But let's be honest, no big chase happening.
00:35:26
Speaker 4: That was unnecessary and unkind.
00:35:29
Speaker 1: Let's just set the chase at our house, plenty of room, plots and floors. As he limps through the snow.
00:35:41
Speaker 2: It's snowing in our house, in our elves bro they're magical. So they were like this, No, I don't want.
00:35:50
Speaker 4: It to be like the shining please.
00:35:53
Speaker 2: No, that wasn't the goal.
00:35:54
Speaker 4: So we were just trying to help.
00:35:56
Speaker 12: But then I fucking like, he's uh, he's chasing you through the house and the snow with an axe, with an axe, he's got a limb, have a turtle neck.
00:36:07
Speaker 2: But you know, how do you feel about your.
00:36:10
Speaker 14: Running my home?
00:36:23
Speaker 4: No, you're fucking have to talk publicly about my running.
00:36:28
Speaker 2: I'm not. I did not talking about I'm asking you how you.
00:36:31
Speaker 10: Feel about your running a struggle for me?
00:36:33
Speaker 1: Okay, sohole, let's take that in consideration now.
00:36:40
Speaker 2: So he catches up.
00:36:44
Speaker 1: I'm so he catches up, he tackles into the ground, the snow gets back.
00:36:49
Speaker 10: Joking, joking inside your house.
00:36:53
Speaker 2: And he's joking all about it. I'm not going back smash with another fucking pot.
00:37:00
Speaker 4: Another one else, have the son, the four.
00:37:08
Speaker 1: Four else that are left, because remember he ate one when he got up and ship. Wait he did, That's how he got That's how he got to Chasen ship because he ate one real fast. And then you were like Oh my god, that's the moment you realize.
00:37:20
Speaker 4: You're gonna cry.
00:37:22
Speaker 2: No, you, my crac is so good.
00:37:28
Speaker 1: That was the moment you lost your humanity. No, that's the moment man, where you're like, this guy's being saving. I begged him not to eat that olf and he fucking ate it anyway. He was going for the other four and that's when that's when you hit his leg with a chair. That's why he was, you know, hobbling to catch up to that brings us back to the present.
00:37:47
Speaker 2: So he caught you. And then another.
00:37:53
Speaker 1: Bottle four elves there they're like, listen this this time, Willie, I cut his fucking juggulary can be on that.
00:38:00
Speaker 18: Minute, so you get a say, good bite of the apple. Do you cut the jugular of the man you go who has been dead and brought back to life and will continue to eat the magical elves to stay stave the.
00:38:21
Speaker 1: Grave, stave off the grave? Or do you let him live because you love him? It's no longer the man you love. You can fall in love with that guy. You know when you guys were like fucking over the course of your relationship. He was never like you know what, I like eating other things that fucking great joy I, Oh my god, this is a vegan tail.
00:38:46
Speaker 8: I've always wanted to make a movie with a vegan allegory and pretty.
00:38:50
Speaker 1: Sweet one man, this is one of them date movies. We're like a couple goes together and be like you wouldn't be like that, would you?
00:38:59
Speaker 4: So true?
00:39:00
Speaker 2: Like I'd never do that.
00:39:02
Speaker 1: You wouldn't mind to stay alive by eating a fucking out. Oh yeah, it's movie until that happens, like what you're talking about? So do you cut a jugular?
00:39:13
Speaker 2: Hmm?
00:39:14
Speaker 4: I'm not sure what what? Uh?
00:39:17
Speaker 1: You got to take him out or else he's gonna wake up, eat two fucking elves and then you.
00:39:22
Speaker 8: Well, is there any way to take him out? Because the jugular situation is.
00:39:26
Speaker 1: Really like the broken pot is right there, so there's a shard sharp enough for you.
00:39:31
Speaker 4: To I think i'd rather like stab.
00:39:33
Speaker 1: Him with a broken piece of pottery. Yeah, I don't know, if you'll go deep enough.
00:39:38
Speaker 2: It might be like you need you need to get to the.
00:39:40
Speaker 1: Heart to do that. That's a rope bust a major organ kick in.
00:39:46
Speaker 4: Oh Jesus Jesus Christ, Bustin's gonna hear this would be like or do they talk about what.
00:39:55
Speaker 1: You guys talk about on the podcast nothing at all?
00:40:00
Speaker 2: Zoo. You wouldn't need a magic I know. Why would I do that? You need to answer me, Okay, why would you?
00:40:10
Speaker 3: Why would anyone do that to stay alive?
00:40:13
Speaker 2: Of course.
00:40:15
Speaker 1: I don't.
00:40:16
Speaker 2: I mean, what do you mean stay alive? Like? Would I live forever?
00:40:21
Speaker 3: Oh? Zoo?
00:40:23
Speaker 2: Why would you even qualify it? Could you? Even if we won't eat animals, how.
00:40:30
Speaker 10: Could we need the happy magic?
00:40:32
Speaker 2: Terms?
00:40:33
Speaker 14: My father's their king.
00:40:41
Speaker 4: That makes you speechless at this whole scenario, make.
00:40:44
Speaker 1: You princess hardly in that world?
00:40:45
Speaker 2: Bro? All right, say.
00:40:54
Speaker 4: I hear you now.
00:40:58
Speaker 2: You're like, give you that pottery.
00:41:02
Speaker 4: And that's it.
00:41:03
Speaker 17: Looks at you as he bleeds out, begging for one more help to save his life.
00:41:07
Speaker 1: I'm princess, and the help like you go to look away and they're like, no, you got to watch.
00:41:12
Speaker 17: You have to watch watch him die, watch him die, watch watch him die.
00:41:19
Speaker 2: Now you are the health queen. Part of it, yeah, that becomes part of it. They make you the off queen. Wow, But they're like, in order to be the health queen, you must kill the helf king. Take them broken pans.
00:41:36
Speaker 10: And nightmare life, bro.
00:41:42
Speaker 4: Nightmare existence. I think.
00:41:47
Speaker 2: Is there any other weapon?
00:41:49
Speaker 7: A broken shard of you guys have heard him dives guns, I mean even a pillowed.
00:41:57
Speaker 2: His mother this at this point, No, it must be broken shouts. That is it is.
00:42:07
Speaker 9: From the pots that your mom pots plenty, from the twenty new pots she bought on her birthday.
00:42:17
Speaker 1: She did, Oh my god, she got much pots for her fucking birthday and they just got delivered.
00:42:21
Speaker 4: I heard, I heard she was like, she was very happy.
00:42:25
Speaker 1: She was like, I loved him so much. They were seventy five percent off. Can you imagine like that We literally went to a place where there was a sign that was like seventy five percent off. I mean, if we had waited three days, there would have been another sign that said freak.
00:42:40
Speaker 4: They'd be on the curve.
00:42:44
Speaker 2: As many.
00:42:48
Speaker 4: Are you sure they're not like broken or defect?
00:42:51
Speaker 1: It will be elves got so much fattery, so many jeculars to cut in the night.
00:43:02
Speaker 2: Are we sure these are the elves? Are not? Yeah?
00:43:06
Speaker 4: They are sounding a whole lot like the trolls.
00:43:11
Speaker 2: Speaking of trolls, fuck them all.
00:43:14
Speaker 4: I like erica, Wow, full circle, very very good job.
00:43:24
Speaker 1: Your mother has taken to making stews. Yeah, tonight, she added big chunks of potato, hoping that that might make someone go, yeah, fucking keep making them stews.
00:43:49
Speaker 9: I know she'll never listen to the podcast, but I'm scared she's on the other side of the door.
00:44:00
Speaker 3: Hum hmm, maminy.
00:44:06
Speaker 4: That was my opinion. No, it's not my dream to eat all her stews.
00:44:13
Speaker 1: She's do you drink? Do you eat any ill?
00:44:18
Speaker 4: I always take them all and.
00:44:21
Speaker 1: Then what dump them on the side of the street, coots and.
00:44:24
Speaker 4: Ship sometimes sometimes.
00:44:31
Speaker 2: Sometimes I have almost.
00:44:36
Speaker 19: Sometimes I try it and I eat some sometimes I do, but it's just I'm constantly receiving stew yes.
00:44:47
Speaker 1: And the problem too, is like is it stew or is it just a pile of vegetables.
00:44:54
Speaker 12: She's not even.
00:44:58
Speaker 9: It doesn't got rice noodles in it.
00:45:03
Speaker 1: It's not stocky like a stew. It's just like a series of vegetables put into one bowl, un heated up.
00:45:13
Speaker 2: Reading it.
00:45:13
Speaker 1: Or they're like, like, where's.
00:45:18
Speaker 2: The nearest carpet.
00:45:21
Speaker 10: That's so mean, I'm so scared.
00:45:24
Speaker 1: Good news is that you take it because she's just like, you know, She's like.
00:45:29
Speaker 3: Does anybody ever see anything a baptist do.
00:45:32
Speaker 2: I was like, oh yeah, they get very much, which.
00:45:36
Speaker 1: Shows you I could be a big actor on sitcoms or convincing actor in real life. She was not come person to the door like you're about a punch and dicks.
00:45:52
Speaker 9: She just has never is never really been interested in cooking anything ever.
00:45:58
Speaker 1: So you want to be supportive, Oh my god, look at you. I just want to point out for the folks folks watching at home, like your daughter just reacted like an abuse child.
00:46:09
Speaker 2: She was not, because she was just like I think that I just.
00:46:14
Speaker 4: Don't want to.
00:46:16
Speaker 9: I just unprotective of the feelings.
00:46:23
Speaker 1: Amen, Well there it is kids, that's it. Yeah, Like that was a big question of the week, to eat the stew.
00:46:31
Speaker 2: Against It was fun.
00:46:32
Speaker 7: Now got the show done in two minutes, but I burned the leave man because I wanted to sing.
00:46:43
Speaker 14: That was the question.
00:46:47
Speaker 6: Oh my god, so many things have happened since then.
00:46:52
Speaker 2: You know what that's called show MENA.
00:47:01
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell her like, oh my god, I'm gonna watch this.
00:47:08
Speaker 3: Half way show.
00:47:11
Speaker 1: You know, she'll never ask, so that's not it. She could give two fus I tink upstairs. She's just like I used to have with him.
00:47:26
Speaker 4: Oh, jealous, jealous?
00:47:29
Speaker 1: No, when the subject comes up, let me see, let me think of my answer. Did she say, all right, ready, you be your mother. You're an actor, be your mother. Here's the most challenging fucking role any actor that ever plays their parents.
00:47:53
Speaker 4: No, but I watch you got as like her. How is the podcast? Oh my god, the podcast? It was fun. Wow, you guys had fun.
00:48:15
Speaker 1: It's unnerving. I feel like we're about to watch me or something.
00:48:21
Speaker 2: It was. It was good.
00:48:23
Speaker 1: It was good.
00:48:25
Speaker 4: Did she asked about my stew.
00:48:28
Speaker 2: Like? No, bullshit.
00:48:29
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, she did.
00:48:31
Speaker 9: What did she ask me?
00:48:32
Speaker 2: You do? But she did talk about it really yeah, because I.
00:48:35
Speaker 1: Because I because I took I was like, you know, we were doing the show and I was like, fucking your mom stew right, And she was like, no, I legit like it. And I thought she was like being like that on camera. So when the show ended, I was just like, Okay, how do you really feel about this to and she said no, I was telling the truth. She's like, I like, I think Mom's doing a great job.
00:48:52
Speaker 4: That is such a complex lie. It's unnerving.
00:49:02
Speaker 10: May feel scared.
00:49:07
Speaker 4: Austin does that type of thing.
00:49:09
Speaker 8: Where he'll go like really above and beyond with like why to go to skirt hurting someone's feelings.
00:49:19
Speaker 1: That's what codependent personality is, my friend.
00:49:22
Speaker 10: That's bad.
00:49:24
Speaker 4: That's good because I could not even do that if I try.
00:49:27
Speaker 1: That's good because look how convincing that was for a second there you were like, I see about this stupid in my mom, Jennifer. That's like a Twilight of Twilight Zone episode where you wake up and your god, your mom and you have to deal with Harley.
00:49:50
Speaker 4: What a breeze.
00:49:54
Speaker 19: Fucking blessed can breed a bang?
00:50:01
Speaker 1: Chamsy see some Tabby billesday Jim Jobsies week, that's Harley singing.
00:50:11
Speaker 4: I told her that.
00:50:13
Speaker 1: I told uh, I told your mom this morning that I was like, I think Harley should sing that song.
00:50:21
Speaker 20: And when you get blu and you've lost all your dream there's nothing like a campfire and a big can be.
00:50:31
Speaker 2: That's rude to say to me right now you can totally sing that you think.
00:50:36
Speaker 1: I don't think you should sing because it's your fucking anthem. I think you's a pretty voice. But I said to your mom, I was like, but I don't want to sing it like that screamy ship like I want to sing it pretty like she could sing, And your mom was like, oh she got beautiful.
00:50:47
Speaker 2: Boy.
00:50:47
Speaker 4: I thought you were saying, because that's my life right now, just.
00:50:50
Speaker 1: Because you've got your girl that I could be like, can you sing? This? Asked her. She can't sing, but you could have. You got a singer boice. I mean she would be the first to tell you you can't say, but so go ahead. So it goes. And when you get blue and you've lost dreams, there's nothing like a campfire.
00:51:12
Speaker 2: And a big can.
00:51:16
Speaker 4: There's a big can of big beans.
00:51:18
Speaker 1: So ill.
00:51:23
Speaker 2: So when you get blue.
00:51:26
Speaker 1: And you've lost all your dreams, like in a pretty you so like a campfire and then I come in for harmony and uh, that wasn't.
00:51:45
Speaker 2: Gonna be worth that alone. Oh my god, you know fucking two person shop quartet.
00:52:09
Speaker 1: But here, give me the fucking give me any fine and a big cannon.
00:52:18
Speaker 2: Give me start. You gotta give me a lot before so I can ramp up into it.
00:52:23
Speaker 20: There's nothing like a campfire and a big can of be and I'll come in with my bucking base back.
00:52:31
Speaker 2: Up ready.
00:52:34
Speaker 1: Faster.
00:52:38
Speaker 2: That's not the be, all right? What is the one more when you get the.
00:52:46
Speaker 3: Dreams.
00:52:47
Speaker 20: There's nothing like a campfire and a big cannon.
00:52:52
Speaker 4: There's nothing like camp fire.
00:52:57
Speaker 10: Big didn't know you have that ability? That mode's dropping. Oh my god, there it is.
00:53:28
Speaker 4: Really where else could I go from?
00:53:30
Speaker 2: There?
00:53:31
Speaker 10: That's that's peak and cheers that if you.
00:53:36
Speaker 1: Came looking for mid we just gave you peek instead peak Peak inside Levin Smith.
00:53:49
Speaker 15: And until I got this shot by myself, I know how will catches because.
00:54:01
Speaker 2: Action and I.
00:54:17
Speaker 21: This has been a podcast production, this podcast podcast using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids, did you like what you just heard?
00:54:29
Speaker 2: Well, guess what.
00:54:30
Speaker 21: We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com.
00:54:37
Speaker 1: Go sign up now