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In Ecclesiastes 3:11, we read that God makes everything beautiful in its time. It is comforting to know that nothing is wasted in God's economy, but all of it will be used for our good and His glory. You're invited to join us for poignant conversations and compelling interviews centered on believing for His beauty in every season.
Everything Made Beautiful (00:01.666)
Well, hello, hello, hello, Kim Haar. Thank you so, so much for being on the Everything Made Beautiful podcast today.
Kimberly Haar (00:10.524)
Thank you, Shannon. I'm excited to be here.
Everything Made Beautiful (00:13.44)
Well, I've done your official bio and all your accolades already, but the fun story of us crossing paths is that we have the same writing coach, book coach, and so we were invited to a small gathering at her home several months ago and
We got to meet each other there and I was so encouraged by you and your husband and your story and the way that you carry what God's entrusted to you. So I cannot wait for people to hear your story today.
Kimberly Haar (00:48.028)
Thank you. I'm excited to share it.
Everything Made Beautiful (00:50.062)
well, we want to talk about your new book because I'm literally requiring everyone who hears or sees this podcast to get it. But before we dive into it, what led you because the book is kind of part testimony, but also part therapy, which I think we're all like, yes, please. So before we get into the story itself, what made you go, I want to pursue a career as a professional counselor and marriage and family therapist.
Kimberly Haar (01:20.124)
Sure. know, probably I've been a therapist about 18 years. And the reason I became a therapist was because I was in pain and I was in a first marriage and my husband and I were going to marriage counseling. And I remember coming away feeling like it just, wasn't giving me hope. It felt like a bandaid being put on my marriage. And so I decided that I was going to go back to school and I was going to learn how to give people hope.
And so it actually was birthed out of my own pain.
Everything Made Beautiful (01:50.894)
Wow. Yeah. mean, what better reason to look for a solution than that there's a problem? So I love that. So you mentioned your first marriage. So you have been married before and you guys divorced. And then your testimony in the book is that four years after that divorce, you went through a traumatic situation. So.
Will you just share that story for us and take as much time as you need? Cause I've already heard it and I'm completely gobsmacked by it. And so I know people are going to be on the edge of their seats as you share it. So thank you first of all, for just your vulnerability and willingness to share it.
Kimberly Haar (02:19.932)
Sure.
Kimberly Haar (02:35.644)
Sure. Well, like you said, I was married for 23 years, actually, and we had four children. And over the period of those 23 years, my first husband had struggled with infidelity. There had been a number of different, you know, one night stands, you know, just, just a lot of different things. And I made the decision to stay in my marriage because we had four young children and I didn't want our kids going from home to home.
Everything Made Beautiful (02:40.558)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (03:03.9)
And when we had been married 23 years, in 2013, I discovered that my first husband was actually in an affair. And at that point, I decided I could no longer stay in the marriage. So our youngest children were still in high school, and I made the decision that for four years, I was just going to be mom. I wasn't going to date anybody. I was going to take that time to heal me. And 2017 came around, and I woke up in the morning.
And it was January. And I remember feeling this stirring on the inside of me that said, this is the year you're going to be married again. And I could swear I heard the words buckle your seatbelt. But I thought that just meant it was going to go fast. so I, as a 50-year-old woman, it's like, OK, where do you go to meet people? Because I wasn't a Barcene person. I had tried several church older singles. And it was just really sad.
Everything Made Beautiful (03:39.502)
Wow.
Everything Made Beautiful (03:45.816)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (03:59.978)
Mm-hmm, yes.
Kimberly Haar (03:59.996)
And so, so I decided I was raised in a fishing camp in Canada, in Ontario, Canada. And I learned when I was very young that when you go fishing, if you put one line in the water, you have, you can catch one fish. And I thought, you know, if it works for fishing, if you put five lines in the water, you have a better chance at catching a fish. So I got brave and I joined five dating sites.
Everything Made Beautiful (04:07.534)
Wow.
Everything Made Beautiful (04:28.17)
my goodness.
Kimberly Haar (04:29.66)
And so I met someone over the period of four months. I had 13 first dates and I was really ready to call it quits. And it was April Fool's Day and I decided I was going to go on my last first date and I met a man and there was just something different about him. And we both, we headed off immediately, but we both knew within a couple weeks that we knew we wanted to marry.
And that was very unlike either one of us because I had only dated one person in 27 years. And he was an engineer. And he told me, we saw each other almost every night for four weeks. And so about the second week, he told me, said, he goes, you know, I've asked Google how long I need to know somebody before I know they're in love. I'm in love. And it's funny because being the engineer, he wanted the plan, the statistics.
And he told me, goes, you know, I want to marry you. But it wasn't a question. So I wasn't going to embarrass myself and say, yes. So it had been four weeks, but we both knew that was the path we were going. And during this time, my ex-husband called me. And we had had a friendly divorce. We had talked many times about our children. And he asked me to come to his home.
Everything Made Beautiful (05:27.715)
Yes?
Everything Made Beautiful (05:36.598)
huh.
Kimberly Haar (05:52.976)
He said he wanted to talk to me about our kids and I didn't think anything about it. So I went there and when I got there, the conversation turned and he started talking to me about wanting for him and me to start dating again and that he had not made the changes that I needed in his life. And so I told him, I said, I have met somebody and I am moving on. We're getting serious and you just need to move on with your life.
And he looked at me and he said, well, maybe I'm just going to need to go talk to that man. And when he said that, I thought, what do you mean? And because I had never talked to him, I knew he knew I had been dating, you know, because I think my kids had told him I was dating somebody. But when I left his home, I called my boyfriend. I called Andrew and I said, Andrew, can I come by your house and talk to you just for a few minutes? And I wanted to warn him.
Everything Made Beautiful (06:29.409)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (06:47.888)
that my ex-husband might come to his work, he might harass him, he might spread a rumor, but I didn't want him to scare Andrew away. So I went there and I said, Andrew, would you fight for me? And he looked down at me and he said, of course I would. And I said, how do you know? And he said, because you're worth fighting for. And I didn't realize it, but that was going to be within 24 hours.
He was not just gonna be fighting for me, but he was gonna be fighting for his life. I went home that night and I was crawling into bed and I was living alone. I was getting in bed and something again stirred in me and it said, lock your bedroom door. So I got up, I wasn't scared. I locked my bedroom door and I went to sleep. And at 2.30 in the morning, I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door crashing down off the hinges.
And my ex-husband had broken into my home. He was intoxicated. He had a gun in his hand. And for the next four hours, I was assaulted. And when those four hours were over, he told me that his punishment for ruining his life, I was going to have to go with him. And I was going to have to witness him murdering the man I had just started dating. And so I got into the vehicle with me. I was taken at gunpoint. I went in the vehicle.
And when we got to Andrew's house, I watched my ex-husband as he reached into the backseat of the truck, picked up the gun, more bullets, and he looked over at me and he said, now you can go do whatever you need to do. And he had left the keys in the ignition. So I watched as he mounted the three steps to the front door of Andrew's house. Andrew had a lead glass window on the front of his house.
And I heard as my ex-husband shot three times, I heard three gunshots. And I knew there was no way Andrew was going to survive this. So I jumped into the driver's seat and I drove, you know, in my panic, I later learned I'd kind of driven in circles. But I found a 24-hour super center that I ran inside and I screamed, call 911.
Everything Made Beautiful (08:47.768)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (09:04.602)
And it felt like it was minutes. I'm sure it was just seconds, but I was at this point, my face was unrecognizable. I had been very brutally attacked. And I looked down into my hand and I had a cell phone in my hand. And it was not mine. So all I could figure is I must have grabbed it out of my ex-husband's vehicle. And I had heard that if you don't know a password, you can call 911 and it bypasses that. I didn't know for sure, but I found out and it does work.
Everything Made Beautiful (09:20.622)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (09:34.46)
And so I called 911 and I told the operator, get the police there, tell them to be careful because this isn't going to end up good. And then at that point I took a breath because I knew I had done everything I could do and I was escorted into a back warehouse where I waited for a police officer in an ambulance to come get me. When they came to get me, the police officer said, ma'am, come with me. And we were going out the front door.
And I said, I need to go to that vehicle and I need to get my cell phone because I wanted to call my family to tell them this is what happened. I wanted them to not see it on the news. so when I opened up the passenger door of the vehicle, my ex-husband was sitting in the vehicle behind the steering wheel and he had a gun pointed at me. And so I dropped to the ground. I screamed and within seconds I had a human shield of police officers around me.
Everything Made Beautiful (10:08.739)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (10:12.685)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (10:31.108)
I was taken to safety and my ex-husband was apprehended and I was taken to an emergency room. So later on in the emergency room, I did learn that Andrew had survived, but he had been shot 10 times and he had been shot in the femoral artery. He'd been shot in his arm, his back.
Everything Made Beautiful (10:37.677)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (10:46.339)
Ugh.
Kimberly Haar (10:51.792)
And throughout, I went through like four hours, maybe even more than that. I just went after question after question, exam after an exam, and having to give reports. And during that time, I had not met Andrews. I'd met one of his adult children, but he had three adult children. And his adult son called my phone number, and my daughter answered it. And he said, listen, my dad's OK. He's in surgeries. It's touch and go.
He said, but we wish your mom well, but we really think they should go their separate ways. And because Andrew was under a crime scene name in the hospital, I couldn't find him, and I wouldn't hear from him again for about four to six weeks. And that was really probably one of the hardest moments there because I knew I loved him and I knew I wanted to marry him. So I went.
Everything Made Beautiful (11:33.998)
Mmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (11:44.726)
and you're both healing from unimaginable trauma, but you're not talking to each other during that time.
Kimberly Haar (11:51.814)
That's right. had no contact. Now I know we were taken to two different hospitals. But I was like asking people to go in hospitals and see if they could find him. he was actually like under a John Doe name. And so that night I went to my mom and dad's house to sleep because obviously I wasn't going to go back to the house. All this had happened in.
Everything Made Beautiful (11:58.115)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (12:14.3)
And I knew I couldn't stay there indefinitely. And I had an aunt and uncle that were, they lived in the same city as me in the south part of town. And they were getting ready to go to Canada for the summer. And they told me, said, Kim, we would like to gift you our home for the summer as you begin healing. So you're safe. And when I went there and I got a tour of their home, they showed me the backyard and there was this amazing big pergola in the backyard.
It had big wood rafters, two swings, and a giant cement floor, like a patio floor. And when they showed it to me, I knew that this is where my healing was gonna begin. I just had this sense that I was gonna spend my mornings there and I was gonna meet Jesus there. And so the first few weeks, when I first spent the first week or two, all I could do is weep. And I would lay
down face down and just weep and cry and my body, I didn't know my body could make sounds like that. It was just like I felt so empty and alone and again I had no clue. I had no clue if I'd ever hear from Andrew again.
Everything Made Beautiful (13:31.276)
Yeah, yeah. I need people to be able to take a breath because I'm literally at a loss for words. cannot first of all imagine the fear like the sheer terror that you experienced not to mention the physical and emotional and relational pain and trauma.
Was healing, did it take as long as you thought? Was it as extensive? Like what was the most surprising part of your journey of healing, whether physically or otherwise?
Kimberly Haar (14:16.71)
Sure, you know, I think you're right. In the very beginning, I was like, there were so many emotions just like flooding me. So one moment I would feel completely numb and in shock like this had happened to somebody else and it was all a bad dream I was gonna wake up from. There were those times I was very angry and I felt so much anger, you know, at a lot of different things at the, at, you know, what had happened and how would it happened and.
Everything Made Beautiful (14:34.914)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (14:46.384)
And, you know, when I first spent the first week at that pergola, I remember praying and saying, Lord, I am so empty. I have nothing in me. I am a shell of a person. And I said, I don't have words even to pray to you because I was, you know, I was confused. Why had God let this happen? You know, and I said, I don't have words to pray.
Everything Made Beautiful (15:08.014)
Yeah, yeah.
Kimberly Haar (15:12.108)
And I remembered a scripture in Zephaniah that said, God sings over us. And I said, Lord, I'm asking you to sing and breathe life back into me because right now I'm empty. And so that healing really started with just, you know, that numb, that anger, all those emotions, but crying out to the Lord saying, Lord, I know you're the only one that can heal me.
Everything Made Beautiful (15:16.877)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (15:22.403)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (15:40.054)
Yeah. I can't imagine what it was like for your children. I mean, there's multiple layers of trauma there for them as well. How have they walked and processed that relationship? Because it's their mom and their dad. And it's unimaginable.
Kimberly Haar (15:56.988)
Sure.
Sure, sure.
Kimberly Haar (16:06.064)
Well, and you know, I'm very careful because they are all adult children and I'm very careful to only share my story because when trauma happens in a family, everybody is victimized. Everybody goes through a trauma. And I'll say that today my children are doing very well. you know, and it is the when you heal, it's layer by layer by layer. And I did have the support of my family.
Everything Made Beautiful (16:10.264)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (16:16.792)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (16:25.41)
good.
Kimberly Haar (16:34.352)
which was, I was just so grateful for. I was so grateful for.
Everything Made Beautiful (16:37.27)
Yeah. So did you hear from Andrew again?
Kimberly Haar (16:43.164)
I did, I did. And you know, if it's okay, let me back up for a minute, because I want to share something else at the pergola, is you know, I, I in the very beginning, it's normal when trauma or something really painful, you have no control over happens, it's very normal that your first response is you want to control things. And so I right away got on the phone to all my friends and I'm like, okay, this is how you need to pray. Get me on every prayer chain.
Everything Made Beautiful (16:47.81)
Yeah, I would love to
Everything Made Beautiful (17:02.51)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (17:07.054)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (17:11.812)
I wanted everybody praying that Andrew would have a Kim shaped hole in his heart. that all, mean, I was praying all he can think about is me, you know, and I'm telling the Lord what he needed to do, how he needed to do it. And I'm like manipulating all this in a panic. And then I was like, but Lord, I trust you. And I really was not trusting the Lord. And so I had to get to a point where I prayed, cause I even told the Lord,
Everything Made Beautiful (17:15.876)
Hahaha!
Everything Made Beautiful (17:31.246)
Hmm.
That's so good.
Kimberly Haar (17:40.176)
Lord, if Andrew's not your best for me, then it's okay. I'll settle for second best. I'm like, it's okay. I'll take the second place prize. And I got to the place where I was really honest with the Lord and I said, I'm scared to trust you because what if you don't give me what I want? What if my plans aren't your plans?
Everything Made Beautiful (17:46.221)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (17:58.808)
Okay.
Kimberly Haar (18:02.832)
And I had heard a song come on my phone during this time, and it was called Dance With Me, O Lover of My Soul by Paul Wilbur. And I remember, you know, I would go out there in my bathrobe, I'd wrap myself in a big green blanket. So my bathrobe was my, that was my clothes for the next few weeks. And I stood up and I told the Lord, I said, Lord, as a sacrifice of my praise and as a physical representation that I'm choosing to trust you.
I said, I am going to put my hands almost like in this waltz position and I'm gonna close my eyes and I'm going to imagine myself being held in your arms and I am gonna surrender my plans to you. And so I would actually do a, and I'm not a dancer, but I would do a waltz to this song and at the very end of the song, I would take the sides of my bathrobe and I would hold them out like a dress and I would bow my head and I would say, I love you, Lord.
And this was day after day after day. I would start with this song with me and Jesus at the pergola room and I would remind myself I am trusting. I'm going to trust the Lord because I didn't feel like it. My heart was heavy. You sacrifice of praise is when you can lift your hands when your heart is heavy and say, God, my world's falling apart and you're still worthy. So it was almost I think it was like five or six weeks and
Everything Made Beautiful (19:12.792)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (19:19.662)
Yeah, that's good.
Kimberly Haar (19:29.052)
I was at the pergola with my coffee and I looked down at my phone and I saw a Facebook messenger message and it was from Andrew because his children had taken my phone number out of his phone. And now I stayed in contact a couple times with a woman who was his assistant at work but obviously he was gone from work because you he was injured and but I contacted her a couple times and she said the first
Everything Made Beautiful (19:43.01)
Mmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (19:51.768)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (19:57.37)
day or two after everything happened, Andrew said he loved me, he wanted to be with me, but by about the end of the first week, second week, he was saying that he thought it was best we go our separate ways. And so I was grieving, I was grieving and grieving. so when I looked down and I saw a message from Andrew, it's all it said was, hey, I'm alive. And that's all it said. And so I responded back with something like,
Everything Made Beautiful (20:01.934)
Mmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (20:08.971)
Hmm.
Kimberly Haar (20:27.164)
And but I went on and I wanted to tell him that I hadn't given my ex-husband his address I hadn't led him to I wanted him to know I was innocent in that and so I said can I come and see you and He said well, he goes. don't know. I'm getting ready to go into the hospital He said I am going to be having a surgery because his infections had or his wounds have been infected And he said I'll call you after or I'll reach out to you after the weekend, but then he said take care and I'm like
Everything Made Beautiful (20:27.34)
Yeah, yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (20:33.934)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (20:57.436)
take care? What does that mean? It's like, does that mean I wish you well as you go your, you know, go on in life? And I'm sitting there with this take care and not knowing what to do with this. And so I waited and it was the longest weekend of my life. And, you know, the beginning of the next week came and I got another Facebook Messenger post. I'm so thankful for Facebook. And, and it said a visit would be nice. And so I'm 50. He's 53 at this time.
Everything Made Beautiful (20:58.382)
You
Everything Made Beautiful (21:03.458)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (21:08.974)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (21:26.82)
And we are arranging for me to go up there when his kids aren't there. He's like, come when my kids aren't here. This is what time they'll be gone. Come up here then. And so I'm sneaking around and walking into his hospital room. It's like, I was so scared. I didn't know what I was going to see. I didn't know what I was going to hear. And I walked in and I looked at him and I said, Andrew, where does this leave us? And he said, I don't know. And my heart sank.
And he said, I've read all of the charges. He goes, I know what happened to you. And he said, you're really going to be messed up. And he goes, know what happened to me, and I'm going to be messed up. And at that moment, something came over me. And I looked at him, and I shook my finger in his face. And I said, Andrew Hart, you will never meet another woman like me.
And four weeks later, we were engaged, and four months later, we were married. And it has now been eight years of the most wonderful years of my life.
Everything Made Beautiful (22:33.934)
I mean, I know people were like, please tell me they got together. Please tell me they got together. How are his kids and your kids now that the two of you are together?
Kimberly Haar (22:39.548)
Ha ha ha!
Kimberly Haar (22:47.364)
You know what? His kids are very, they were so gracious in accepting me. The first meeting when I went to meet his kids, it was a little awkward, but we have a very wonderful family that everybody loves each other. We're kind of like the Waltons. We have 11 adult children. By the time we count in the ones that are married, we've got three grandchildren. My parents come over, it is always loud at the Har House.
Everything Made Beautiful (22:52.078)
Mmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (22:56.429)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (23:04.299)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (23:14.638)
Mm-hmm. That's so sweet. You know, the title of this podcast is Everything Made Beautiful and so we're always on the hunt for how God is making things beautiful and that is just one of the many ways that you have seen beauty from a truly an incomprehensible story. If you could go back and talk to yourself right after your trauma, what would you say?
Kimberly Haar (23:43.676)
You know, my heart says I would want to go to the pergola and lay on the cement floor with her. And I would want to hold her and I would want to tell her, you're going to smile again. You're going to laugh again. Life will be good again. And I'd want her to know that she's stronger than she thought. You know, it's when you walk through something, it feels like life is over. And, you know, we pull away and we can begin to feel everything is going to be hopeless.
Everything Made Beautiful (23:50.274)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (24:01.006)
Mmm, that's good.
Kimberly Haar (24:13.992)
And I would just want to let her know that it's going to be good. You're going to smile, not just smile, but you're going to dance again.
Everything Made Beautiful (24:23.202)
Yeah, so good. You know, a common question that people ask, understandably so, in deep hurt is why does God allow bad things to happen? Or is He even there when bad things happen? What response have you had to people who've asked that?
Kimberly Haar (24:39.708)
Hmm.
Kimberly Haar (24:44.986)
You know, I actually get asked that a lot of where is God when bad things happen. And sometimes when we are asked that, it's actually not a question. It's almost more of an accusation. It's like God, where you weren't there. And obviously I can't, I don't have all the answers and I've asked those questions too, but I can share my experience. And that is, you know, during those four hours when I had been assaulted, there was a point where
Everything Made Beautiful (24:55.95)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (25:12.924)
I was laying on my bed and I was scared and all of a sudden I felt a presence in the room and I knew it was a presence that I knew it was a sad presence. But it was almost like I felt this hand holding my hand and I knew in that moment that the presence of God was there. And I knew in that moment fear left and I thought if I died, if I do die, I will not have died alone.
Everything Made Beautiful (25:33.55)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (25:41.188)
I will not have walked this alone. you know, later on I thought of a beautiful picture of when my, I have four children and when my middle daughter went to kindergarten, she had to get her immunizations, you know, before kindergarten. And I remember taking her and she looked at me with crocodile tears, looking at me, mom, why are you letting this happen? And, and she was scared. And I remember looking at her and I said, look into my eyes. Mommy is not going anywhere.
Everything Made Beautiful (25:55.01)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (26:02.765)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (26:10.84)
I am right here. Hold my hand. And I really believe that that's what God tells us when we're going through those hard things. Sometimes I don't understand why he doesn't take pain away, but he never takes his presence away. And it's like he is saying, hold my hand, look into my eyes. I am not going anywhere. I'm your Abba father. I am your daddy. I am here. And so,
Everything Made Beautiful (26:20.397)
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's good.
Everything Made Beautiful (26:33.122)
and
Kimberly Haar (26:38.166)
Another kind of really cool thing that happened is probably it had been maybe three days, four days when everything had happened. And a lady that I worked with had never been in my home, had never seen my bedroom. She contacted me late 11 o'clock at night with a text message. And she said, I hate what happened to you. I'm sitting here praying for you. goes, but I keep getting the scripture.
And it says, it's an Exodus and it says, the Lord will fight for you. All you need to do is be still. What she didn't know is on the wall in my bedroom was a long skinny sign. And it said, the Lord will fight for you. The only thing you need to do is be still. And when my ex-husband shot, got the bullets into my wall that day, a bullet went below that sign. A bullet went below that sign.
Everything Made Beautiful (27:16.439)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (27:31.686)
but nothing touched my sign. I really, with her even giving me that scripture, it was a reminder, you know what? God's fighting for me.
Everything Made Beautiful (27:40.078)
Yeah, so good. you know, we talk a lot. I have built my life around the sovereignty of God and the truth that God is completely and totally and utterly sovereign. And often what comes back is similar to what you get, which is, well, if that's true, then X, Y, Z. And I understand that. And I always say, and I know that you would say,
Kimberly Haar (28:01.393)
Right.
Everything Made Beautiful (28:08.078)
knowing and comprehending the sovereignty of God, even though we can't fully comprehend it, it does not medicate pain. It does not minimize pain. does not shorten pain, but it does allow us to find handles to hold as we go through it and meaning to apply rather than this is all meaningless and leading nowhere, knowing that there
Kimberly Haar (28:17.243)
Mm-mm.
No.
Kimberly Haar (28:27.644)
Hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (28:35.83)
is a sovereign God who's never leaving or forsaking us can give us what we need to hold his hand and to understand that he understands whether we ever will or not the full scope of what he's doing. And I know you probably not only deal with this in your story, but also just as a therapist, you were victimized. And so you were a victim of
Kimberly Haar (28:38.46)
Hmm.
Kimberly Haar (28:42.812)
That's right.
Everything Made Beautiful (29:05.272)
terrible, terrible sin against you, violence against you, but you have a choice at some point to identify as a victim perpetually or to try and move toward healing really intentionally. So for people who are listening who have been victimized and are victims, how do we not get stuck there?
Kimberly Haar (29:31.74)
Hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (29:34.412)
When we have actually experienced real, tangible, not okay, hurt and pain against us, how do we not stay a victim forever?
Kimberly Haar (29:38.172)
sure.
Kimberly Haar (29:45.596)
Sure. You know, I think the very first thing is, we've got to make the choice that we want to heal because not everybody wants to heal. There are people that do want to stay in that victim role or for many different reasons, for many different reasons. But the first part is we have to make a choice. We want to heal.
Everything Made Beautiful (29:53.166)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (30:11.272)
And when we make that choice in the early days, it's really start where you are. It may be those small baby steps. may be, you know, whether it is in depression, whether it is in, you know, that feeling stuck is going against what we feel. And it may be making sure, you know, in the beginning days, things like making sure that I'm taking care of my physical body because that is so connected. My emotions in my physical body are so connected.
but it's also doing those little things and making progress every day. It's not the big steps, but you know, Shannon, on the very first day I was in the emergency room and, I later on, it was about a year and a half after I had been assaulted that I re met back up with the detective that had been assigned to my case. And in fact, I just saw her again, a few, a few, maybe a week ago, and it was the most beautiful thing.
But she asked me, said, Kim, do you remember what you said to me in the emergency room? And I said, no. And she goes, I was training another detective and I was so surprised by what you said. She said, you looked at me and you said, I'm not going to let this experience go to waste. I will be a better therapist because of it. Then my daughter said, mom, do you remember what you said to me that day? And I said, I don't remember.
Everything Made Beautiful (31:32.161)
Wow.
Kimberly Haar (31:38.982)
She goes, mom, looked at me and you said, promise me this will not let, you will not become bitter because of this. And that day I was angry. I was angry. I was angry. I was scared. I was hurting. So I don't want to give the impression that I just made this choice to heal and I healed. It was a walking out process. But even that day, I think one of the hardest things was my ex-husband looked down at me.
Everything Made Beautiful (31:58.251)
Yeah
Kimberly Haar (32:07.384)
in my bedroom as his intoxication was wearing off and he obviously could see what he had done to me and he said tell me the truth he goes you could never forgive me and he goes I've gone too far and I I thought for a moment and I looked at him and I said yes you have gone too far there is no going back I said but I want you to know this day that I will forgive you
And those were the very last words I ever spoke to my ex-husband. I haven't spoken to him since. And there were lots of layers because forgiveness isn't that one time thing. But I knew I was going to make a choice. I was going to do the hard work. And so when I say we make a choice, we make a choice. We're going to do the hard work. And that night, I wanted him in jail. I wanted him to go to prison.
Everything Made Beautiful (32:47.352)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (33:03.664)
But that night I prayed for him and I prayed that he would have the angels surrounding him in jail and I prayed he wouldn't be scared because I knew that he was facing a very long sentence and I just prayed that the angels he would sense God's presence. you know God in his just the sweetness just I just can't even express the just the tenderness.
But I felt the Lord tell me if your ex-husband seeks me and is looking for me, he will feel my presence the same way you did when you were in that room and you sensed my presence. And so, you know, that not being a victim is we get these choices. Do we want to, you know, I talk about like name tags. Do we want to wear a name tag that says I'm...
Everything Made Beautiful (33:43.171)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (34:00.156)
hurt, angry, unforgiving, bitter in the past, or do I want to work towards changing that name tag as I move forward that says for forgiving, healed, whole, happy, joyful, life's ahead of me? Because I had to go, when you say that you talk about how I said I was a victim. Initially, I had to go to the district attorney's office in the beginning because it was a crime scene.
Everything Made Beautiful (34:08.92)
Yeah. Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (34:21.795)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (34:27.428)
And I would have to sign in and there was a piece of paper and there was a little arrow that said victim sign here. And something did not sit right in me when I saw that. And in that moment, and I told the district attorney's office, I said, I need to tell you something. I was a victim in a moment. I was a victim when that happened, but I will not be a victim. I was victimized. I was victimized.
Everything Made Beautiful (34:34.968)
Yeah. Wow.
Everything Made Beautiful (34:46.914)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (34:51.362)
Yeah. Yeah. It's good.
Kimberly Haar (34:53.742)
When you're victimized, I'm saying this happened. I'm not denying it. I'm not minimizing it, but that's not going to be my label. I'm not going to be known as the woman that was hurt. And that's actually why I decided to tell my story is my story. Really. I was like, I wasn't going to let the devil get the last word in. You know, I had no choice in what was on the news that day and, and what people thought that day. And, but I didn't want that to be the end of my story. Yes, I was hurt.
Everything Made Beautiful (35:00.29)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (35:04.579)
good.
Everything Made Beautiful (35:11.63)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (35:22.032)
But my story is that God heals and that there's joy and hope and there's a good life after. And so that was a part of not, it was really choosing not to be a victim.
Everything Made Beautiful (35:35.662)
That's so good. And when I hear you talk about forgiveness, I just, there have been a couple of times where I've heard a forgiveness story from someone that has just blown me away. I've heard from people who have gone and forgiven the person who killed one of their children in a violent crime or those sorts of things. And your choice to forgive your ex-husband is up there.
And when I hear you talk about forgiveness and because of our shared faith background and because we know that forgiveness is one of the things that we are instructed in obedience to do because of God's forgiveness of us, we love all that stuff until we have to apply it to something like this. You know, I love the sovereignty of God until He's not giving me what I want, until He goes off the script that I've submitted to Him. And
When I hear you talk about forgiveness, I'm just so convicted. If you can forgive your ex-husband over and over and over again, then who am I to withhold forgiveness from anyone who has hurt me? I would want to be forgiven. I don't know why I'm so hesitant to freely.
and immediately forgive and to not hold against, basically call to account people who've hurt me. So thank you for sharing that. That's so convicting.
Kimberly Haar (37:03.42)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (37:08.956)
Well, let me throw something in there because I mean, forgiveness has been something I have had to walk through and it's not always been easy. Now, I was able to forgive my ex-husband because I loved him. He was the father of my children. I mean, I wouldn't be a mom without him. now I do not, I am not in love with my ex-husband. Let me just put that out there. I'm glad he's in prison. But...
Everything Made Beautiful (37:16.439)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (37:29.133)
Yeah.
Everything Made Beautiful (37:33.635)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (37:38.028)
It was the harder person for me to forgive was actually the woman he had an affair with. And I was in church. We had not decided to divorce yet, but we were sitting, I was sitting in church. was in church by myself and the pastor made the comment. It was a small church and he said, we're going to be repainting the sanctuary walls. And he goes, today we're going to hand out Sharpie markers and we want everybody to go to the side of the walls and write down the name of people.
Everything Made Beautiful (37:43.618)
Mmm.
Kimberly Haar (38:07.438)
that need the Lord, are far from the Lord, that need to be prayed for. And I'm sitting and he said after they painted the walls, those names would forever be there. And people could still, know, just, you even in faith, reach their hands to those and pray for those people. And I felt the stirring inside me in church and I felt the Lord saying, go write her name on the wall. And my first instinct was get thee behind me, Satan. It was like, boy, the devil's, the devil's really bothering me today.
Everything Made Beautiful (38:17.838)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (38:32.478)
Exactly. Nope. Right.
Kimberly Haar (38:36.438)
And I heard it again, write her name on the wall. And I said, no, Lord. I said, I don't want to forgive. And I heard the Lord saying to me, why are you so willing to forgive? At that time, it was my husband. And I said, because I love him. And I tell you, this definitely was not me because I heard the Lord say, and I love her.
Everything Made Beautiful (39:01.71)
Yeah, so good.
Kimberly Haar (39:02.084)
And there's a part in my book where I write about if the walls of the church could talk, it would tell the story of two women that Jesus loved equally. And that was, I had to walk through, now I didn't pray for her, the reason I didn't want her name on the wall is not only did I not want to pray for her, I didn't want anyone else to pray for her. I wanted her to die a sinner, and Shannon, I wanted her to go to hell.
Everything Made Beautiful (39:23.246)
Yeah, Kim, that is so good. my gosh.
Yeah, thank you for your vulnerability and your honesty. Like so many of us can say yes and agree that that is whoo.
Kimberly Haar (39:31.996)
And...
Kimberly Haar (39:40.71)
So I did it out of obedience. I did it and I said, OK, Lord, I'm not going to pray for her, but I will put her name on the wall. And in forgiveness, it is layer by layer by layer. And there are times I can think about something about any of this stuff. And it can bring up an emotion. And I get to remind myself I made a choice to forgive. It's under the blood of Jesus. And so it doesn't mean things never bother you again.
Everything Made Beautiful (39:44.926)
So good.
Everything Made Beautiful (39:50.734)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (40:05.432)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (40:08.558)
It just means that you make a choice and it's not based on feelings. But then after that, you remind yourself, okay, no, I am walking this forgiveness out. And kind of a sweet thing is I'm now going to a church with Andrew, my husband, and they were doing a building program and they invited us to go look at the new building. And they said, we're handing out Sharpie markers and we want everybody to write the names of people on the wall.
And I'm thinking, are you kidding me? so I was like, Lord, you don't even have to say anything. I got my Sharpie marker. And you know what? I wrote the initials of this woman and I wrote the initials of my ex-husband on the wall. And it was like, Lord, I continually, every day, make that choice to surrender and to forgive. And so it's a walking out process.
Everything Made Beautiful (41:04.11)
There are people who now know how to move forward in forgiveness because of how clearly you explain. First of all, thank you for saying it's not about feelings. If I gotta wait till I feel like it to do it, it ain't gonna get done, you know? But I'm making a choice in the same way I make choices 100 times a day. And when the enemy...
Kimberly Haar (41:17.244)
you
Everything Made Beautiful (41:28.174)
pulls that back out and waves it in front of me, it's my opportunity to point back to the choice that I made that's so good. I would imagine that there are people listening to you who have had traumatic, terrible things happen to them and who are going, well, that's all well and good that your story turned out quote unquote so beautifully and magically and you got with the guy and it all worked and he lived, et cetera.
Kimberly Haar (41:33.5)
Right?
Everything Made Beautiful (41:56.864)
What would you say to people who feel like their story is too broken for God to redeem? Or maybe we are in the hearing of the other woman or someone who sinned against someone else in a way that they're going, well, that's great for Kim, but I'm actually the one who sinned against someone else. And I don't know if this applies to me. Just what...
Kimberly Haar (42:14.716)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (42:26.176)
As a therapist, as a believer from your own experience, what would you say to the person who's like, I'm too broken. This story isn't for me.
Kimberly Haar (42:27.302)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (42:33.488)
Yeah, you know, I think the most important thing is that nobody is too broken. God specializes in redemption. And if someone is saying, hey, I'm the one that sinned, sin is sin is sin is sin. And I love in the scripture when Jesus says, hey, let the person without who hasn't sinned throw the first stone because we've all we've all sinned. And God is such a forgiving father.
Everything Made Beautiful (42:48.024)
Yeah, it's good.
Kimberly Haar (43:02.01)
that all we have to do is come to Him. And now working out our own forgiveness is, sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hard part. The other thing is, though I don't want people to think this is just like a, and they lived happily ever after, and this is, okay, great, you got what you wanted, because pain comes in a lot of different forms. And I like to say there's no pain Olympics.
Everything Made Beautiful (43:20.312)
Right.
Kimberly Haar (43:31.32)
my pain isn't any deeper than somebody else's. So I've gone through circumstances that were extreme, but my feelings of loss or betrayal or hopelessness or fear aren't different than somebody else's, nor are they more important. And this was just one of the things in life that happened to me. But these aren't just one-time seasons. We go through things. You the Bible says that we're going to have afflictions in this life.
Everything Made Beautiful (43:31.694)
Mm-hmm
Everything Made Beautiful (43:45.582)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (43:59.529)
And after all of this happened, I actually went through another really tough season in the last year and a half, and that's when my 26-year-old daughter, she was 25, but she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And you know what, that began another season. It was a different type of a pain, but it was still a dark valley. And so no matter the valley we go through, is, God is always present. And rather than running,
from God, which many people do, is he wants us to run to him and let him walk beside us. And so it's one of those things that nobody is too broken. Nobody's story is too bad because God specializes in bringing beauty from ashes.
Everything Made Beautiful (44:41.742)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (44:48.524)
Yes, amen. One of the things I'm excited about in the book is that you have a section literally titled tools for growth and healing, which who of us does not want growth and healing? So can you just share how you developed the tools? Why are they such an important part of the reader's experience? Meaning don't just go and read
you know, every salacious detail of a story actually progressed to practical tools for your own life.
Kimberly Haar (45:21.99)
Sure. Well, I decided when I wrote my story, I was going to share my part and take down, you know, as a therapist, it was scary because we typically don't tell our stories. And so but but when you go through something hard, you want somebody that's gone before you that can say me to, hey, you're going to be OK. You know, I've walked this come behind me. And so I began using the tools that I worked with my clients and I included 10 tools in in the back of the book.
Everything Made Beautiful (45:32.963)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (45:50.882)
And they are very practical. They are everything from the power of friendship and community, because when something hard happens, we tend to want to isolate, pull away, and that's exactly what the devil wants us to do, because then he can feed us his lies and we can partner with those lies. And so I talk about the power of friendship and community, the power of music. You know, there is actually research that talks about how music is healing to our bodies.
Everything Made Beautiful (46:07.81)
Yes.
Kimberly Haar (46:19.424)
And that was a big part of my healing was letting I would listen to music and sometimes I think we're not very careful about what we're putting in our ears and our eyes. And so I talk about the power of music. I talk about the power of self care because again, in those first days, you don't have a lot of energy. There's depressive things that happen.
Everything Made Beautiful (46:27.276)
Yeah.
Kimberly Haar (46:41.268)
And so self-care is this ongoing journey. And so I've got for low energy days, medium energies, high energy days, what can you do to make sure you're taking care of your body? I talk about the power of journaling, the power of therapy, because having a trusted guide to walk beside you, not to fix you, but to walk beside you as you heal is so important. I've got the power of just having a place. Where do you meet with the Lord?
Everything Made Beautiful (47:02.446)
Mm.
Everything Made Beautiful (47:09.87)
Mm.
Kimberly Haar (47:09.948)
And you know what, no, there's nothing magical about a place. It's just that sometimes when we have a place, we prioritize and we make sure we're spending that time with the Lord. I talk about the power of knowing God's promises. Because when you know what God's word says, you know, when I was feeling hopeless, I'm like, Lord, this is what I'm feeling, but this is what I know. This is what you say. And so I talk about the power of God's promises.
Everything Made Beautiful (47:20.878)
you
Everything Made Beautiful (47:25.901)
Yes.
Kimberly Haar (47:38.512)
And then I've got the power of forgiveness and I include some prayers for, there's a couple that I have in there and one is for the person that doesn't want to forgive. And it says, Lord, help me to even want to want to forgive. And it just kind of walks through. So that's the tools for growth and healing in the book.
Everything Made Beautiful (47:56.162)
Yeah, that's so good. I love what you said about God's promises because I don't think we realize the power of praying God's promises back to him. Basically, holding them up in front of him and saying, God, you said this promise and I am holding on to it and holding it in front of you until you do what you've promised. That's so good.
Kimberly Haar (48:20.496)
You know, when you say that, it was funny because when my daughter got her breast cancer diagnosis, you know, so often as parents, our kids will tell our kids something. And once we tell them something, they don't let us forget. And they'll come and they'll pull on your arm sleeve and they'll say, but you promised, you promised. And so there were many nights when I was scared or I was worried and I would go in my office and I literally, I'm very visual. I would like put my hand like this and I'd like pull, I'm pulling on the Lord's arm and I'm saying, Lord, you promised.
Everything Made Beautiful (48:32.45)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (48:46.35)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Haar (48:47.568)
This is what this chapter and this is what this verse said and you promised. And it was like that child like, okay, I'm not gonna let go.
Everything Made Beautiful (48:56.47)
Yeah, that's so good. What do you hope when someone reads Healing from Life's Deepest Hurts they walk away with? Or when somebody hears your story even just in testimony form, what do you hope they walk away with?
Kimberly Haar (49:13.104)
I hope they walk away with hope. I hope they walk away with a hope of, you know what, if God did this here, He can do it for me. I want them to walk away with a hope that they can draw near to the Lord and that it stirs up them just clinging to the Lord like a lifeline because He is faithful to complete what He starts.
Everything Made Beautiful (49:15.309)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (49:37.378)
Yes. Kim, I have to just tell you again, thank you, thank you, thank you for your willingness to share your story. There are people who would have walked through what you walked through and thought, at some point I have to draw a line of demarcation and that has to all be in the past and I have to walk forward and never look back. And you've instead chosen to let it be a tool and a gift for other people who are in pain.
And I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability. Thank you for your honesty about forgiveness. Like I was like, whoo, that is convicting. Would I write their name on the wall? I don't know, you know? So, but it's so freeing. Like it's one of the ways the shackles come off when we actually embrace the idea of forgiveness. So I'm so thankful that
Kimberly Haar (50:17.936)
Ha
Everything Made Beautiful (50:32.46)
The people who are listening and watching this got to hear from you because you are truly a treasure trove. Not even just as a therapist, but just your maturity and your walk with the Lord. So I'm really grateful. I wanna ask you the question that we ask all our guests to end the podcast. Because this podcast is called Everything Made Beautiful and we believe God's always in a restoration process. It's just.
fun to hear the answer to this, so I'd love to hear it from you. If you could design your perfect, beautiful day, what would it look like from start to finish?
Kimberly Haar (51:00.828)
You
Kimberly Haar (51:12.474)
You know, the very first thing that comes to my mind is my perfect day would not have any clocks because as a therapist, I am so tied to the clock of getting someone in, getting someone out. So I look at my time all day long. And so my perfect day is waking up whenever I want to wake up. And it is not has to include my grandbabies because I have three grandbabies and they just, my goodness, they, they just make my life so wonderful.
Everything Made Beautiful (51:18.816)
and
Kimberly Haar (51:42.272)
I would be with my husband anywhere. My husband is, is the perfect day, even like somehow on our dates, we ended up at Lowe's. would, my perfect day would not be at Lowe's. That's his perfect day. but I think we would be by water because for me, you know, growing up at a fishing camp, water has always been healing. And so I would be somewhere, maybe, maybe on a dock.
Everything Made Beautiful (51:48.558)
you
That's his perfect day.
Kimberly Haar (52:08.676)
maybe sitting on a chair just listening to the water with no hurry, no place to be, my hair in a ponytail, wearing my yoga pants and a big t-shirt. To me, that sounds like the perfect day.
Everything Made Beautiful (52:16.75)
Mm-hmm.
Everything Made Beautiful (52:23.468)
Yeah, so good. was, you said appearing at Lowe's and I was remembering meeting Andrew and I met him before I knew your story. And when we met in that restaurant, I remember thinking they are adorable. Like Jeff and I've been married 26 years. I hope that when we're a little bit further along,
Kimberly Haar (52:29.884)
you
Everything Made Beautiful (52:50.754)
the way Kim and Andrew are that we still look at each other like that and we hold hands and we, know, you were so in love and precious and playful and he is so kind. And so then to hear your story, like I was literally like, my brain cannot contain all of this information.
Kimberly Haar (53:09.116)
you
Everything Made Beautiful (53:11.722)
but I can definitely see why your perfect day would be just wherever he is and that that's always the case. What a sweet redemption story God has written for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for being on the podcast and for sharing with people. And to everyone else, I will put all of Kim's information in the show notes. You have got to get the book.
You've got to read it and you've got to apply it. And I know Kim would love to hear from you and hear your story and hear the way that her story has helped and encouraged you. So please feel free to reach out to her, follow her on Instagram, go to her website, all those good things. You're gonna wanna hear what comes from her, not only now, but in the days to come. Because she's one of a kind and I am.
fully recommending and supporting and cheering her on without reservation. So be sure to check out the show notes and be sure to keep on the lookout for the ways that God is making everything beautiful around you, including you. And we will see you next time.