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You didn't become a solopreneur to build a business that runs your life. You did it so your business could serve it.
The Aspiring Solopreneur is the twice-weekly podcast at the heart of the Life-First Movement. It's for solopreneurs who believe the business should be designed around life, not the other way around.
Hosts Joe Rando and Carly Ries, co-authors of Solopreneur Business for Dummies, sit down each week with solopreneurs who are building Life-First Businesses and experts who are helping others do the same.
Every episode explores what it really takes to design, run, and evolve a one-person business with your life at the center.
Basically, what we're trying to say is:
Life First. Then Business.
In this episode, we're tackling the guilt that comes with saying no. Why solopreneurs keep over committing, what it's actually costing you, and how to use one simple filter to decide what deserves your time. Joe even shares a real opportunity he had to turn down recently and why it was definitely the right call. So if you've ever worn busy as a badge of honor, keep listening. You're listening to The Aspiring Solopreneur, the podcast for those in pursuit of a life first business.
Carly Ries:I'm Carly Ries, and my cohost Joe Rando, and I spend every episode with solopreneurs who are proving there's a better way to run a one person business and experts who are helping make it happen. We like to say life first, then business. So let's get right to it. Okay, Joe. We have had episodes and then blog posts even where we've talked about the power of no and saying no and really turning things down to get what you want.
Carly Ries:But we haven't really talked about the guilt associated with it. I think a lot of people struggle with saying no because they feel bad that they're turning people down. But at the same time, so many solopreneurs feel overwhelmed because they have too much to do, when in reality, it's because they're saying yes to things that don't serve the life that they've designed. So they feel super overwhelmed. And that's what I wanna talk about today, if you're good with that.
Joe Rando:Okay. I am.
Carly Ries:So with our new framework and our new lens on everything, I think people need to start, if you're wanting to create a life first solopreneur business, you need to start with this question before anything else. Does this opportunity that's going my way serve the life I designed? Not, is this a good opportunity? Not, can I handle this? The filter should just be the design, not the capacity.
Carly Ries:Because again, you do not wanna go back to a nine to five or seven to seven in some cases. And people bring those habits with them. So I figure we should reiterate what the cost is of saying yes to everything. And then maybe give some scenarios of when people may not want to say no, but they should, and then walk through that. So the cost of saying yes to everything.
Carly Ries:Here's how I like to look at it. Every yes is a no to something else. Usually something you actually care about. And it took me a while to do this. when I first went out on my own, I said yes to everything because there's money coming in the door.
Carly Ries:Right? It's so easy to do, but then it's also so easy to burn out. And then you lose those clients anyway because you're all burned out, and you're not producing the work you should. Saying yes to a project you don't want means saying no to rest, to focus, and to the work that actually matters. I think the hidden cost here is resentment.
Carly Ries:Because then you start resenting the people you said yes to, and they didn't do anything wrong. It's your fault. But you start not liking them because you said yes to something you shouldn't have said yes to. Have you ever done that?
Joe Rando:Have I said yes to things I shouldn't say yes to?
Carly Ries:And Then resented the people for it even though they had nothing to do with it.
Joe Rando:Yeah. yes. And it actually kind of framed it into a concept, and this was going back to my last startup called Trade Area Systems. And, you know, early in the days, it's like, oh, it's a customer. They want to spend money. Let's do whatever they want.
Joe Rando:And, I came up with the saying that, special customers eventually turn into problem customers. So the idea of taking somebody that's not kind of in your wheelhouse, not kind of that matching that thing that you've defined your business to offer is, you have to treat them special.
Joe Rando:And like I said, eventually that becomes the problem. So, yes, it's a rampant problem, and all of us people that like to not hurt people's feelings or let people down, tend to say, yeah. I'll do it. And then, as you say, you're giving up on something else. One thing, the context going back to, way back in the day of Stephen Covey and that Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he framed it very nicely.
Joe Rando:He said, his boss came to him and told him I need this thing done, and I need it done right away. And his answer was, okay. Here are all the things I'm working on now. Which of these should I either not do or delay? And, obviously, don't have a boss coming to you with that, but you have potential customers and other people and family and so to think about it that way, what's gonna give if I do this, is a good perspective.
Carly Ries:I think the other thing, and I don't know if I've told you this, but my biggest pet peeve is when people are like, oh my gosh, I'm so busy. Oh my gosh, I just have so much going on. And they wear kind of as a badge of honor. You know, like, oh, I have so much to do. And I think it's because over commitment doesn't look like failure.
Carly Ries:Having nothing to do looks like failure. So people will hide behind over committing to things because it looks like success on the outside, honestly. But that's what makes it so dangerous because that's when you start self sabotaging, burning out, and everything. But it's the whole, I'm so busy as opposed to saying, don't have any clients, and I was just sitting on my couch working like that. You know what I mean?
Carly Ries:There's a stigma with resting in our culture, I think. But as a life first business, maybe you're not resting, but you're trying to create the business where you're not glued to your words.
Joe Rando:I feel like my generation was one of the ones that really invented that concept . I remember this story. I don't know why I'm going back, but this was going back to the early days of Dell Computer. And this guy was a higher up at Dell, was bragging to the people that worked for him that he had a newborn baby born six weeks ago, and he hadn't seen the baby yet.
Joe Rando:So that is the kind of ethos that I think the millennials and the gen alphas, gen z's, I mean, are questioning this. And I think it's really good that they are. But the idea of just like you say, being busy, working, working, you know, I'd be in the office at 08:00 at night and feel proud. Oh, I'm working till 08:00 at night, you know? And it's like, if I can not work and have a situation where the business is still moving forward, that's fantastic.
Joe Rando:I mean, that's fantastic. if I can not have to put in a day's work and still, make a living, I've built a heck of a business.
Carly Ries:Yeah. Absolutely. Well, so Joe, let's talk about a few scenarios that people may run into where they're like, oh, I really think I should say yes. Even though they really should say no. I think the first is like, I'll call it the great exposure opportunity.
Carly Ries:So let's say someone asks you to speak in an event, or join a panel, or collaborate on a project for visibility or something, and it sounds great on paper. But then you think about the prep time, the travel, and the energy costs, which is are all super real. So even though these are great opportunities, still run it through that filter. Does this serve the life I design? Or does it serve someone else's idea of what my career should look like?
Carly Ries:And maybe it does serve the life you want. Maybe your goal was to travel and see the world, and your job will help you do that. In that case, go for it. But if you wanted to design your business because you didn't wanna miss a soccer game, you didn't wanna miss school pickups, then is it worth taking on these great exposure opportunities if it'll pull you away from your other life priorities and what you really want your business to serve.
Joe Rando:And that example, I just had it recently. I was invited to speak in Boston, which is two hours away, and to a crowd of entrepreneurs. And, you know, there was maybe some upside in it for the business, maybe. You know, they're entrepreneurs, not solopreneurs, but some of them might become solopreneurs. It was kind of a bit of an honor because it's a really amazing organization that I've been part of or involved in for many years.
Joe Rando:But I had to say no because I just didn't have the bandwidth. this business is requiring a lot right now, and I did not have the bandwidth to turn around and carve out the time to prepare the talk, drive two hours each way, depending on the time of day, I probably would have had to stay over. So you are exactly right. I mean, it was tempting.
Joe Rando:The ego was going, you know? but I had to make that decision to serve the business better. To serve my life better.
Carly Ries:Totally. I think another thing that people end up saying yes to when they shouldn't is a client who pays really well, like really well, but drains you. So the retainer is good. And again, I know sometimes it's a beggars can't be choosey situation with money. But again, this is why this design is so important from the get go.
Carly Ries:Because some people wanna end up in situations where the retainer's good, but every interaction leaves you frustrated or compromising your standards. It's exactly what you were just talking about with this quote unquote special customer, the special client. And money is of course part of the life you designed. It's still a business after all. But it's not the whole design, and that's why it makes all of this so different.
Carly Ries:So again, run it through the filter. And saying no here might mean a short term revenue dip, but it also opens a slot for a client who fits. And then you could have the revenue and the desired life first business. But I say this all the time.
Joe Rando:Just a thought on that. because you're absolutely right. But sometimes it's hard to take. maybe it's one of your first clients, and you know, they help put you on the map, but they they're just, awful to deal with or difficult to deal with or don't respect boundaries. And sometimes instead of saying no, which might be too hard to just turn around and say, no, I'm firing you as a client. that's just a bridge too far. You can do things like, raise your prices, impose limitations, say, look, I will not respond to your emails after 5PM until the next day, or I can only do one call, every other week with you now because I'm changing my business. And what will happen is you'll basically motivate them to quit. Or it'll fix the situation. Right? So saying no sometimes doesn't mean saying no. It might be, tweaking the relationship to the point where they say no and it's more comfortable for you.
Carly Ries:Yeah. That's a great point. I'm so glad you said that.
Carly Ries:So here's another one that people run into. I mean, there are a ton of examples. This is the last one I wanna use. I feel like people especially when they're starting out and they wanna get reps, or they're extremely experienced and people know that and go to them. But when you take on an opportunity that's a favor for a friend or a peer.
Carly Ries:This is gonna be so hard. So a friend in your industry asks you to help with something, whether it's consulting, reviewing their strategy, jumping on a call. I mean, obviously, human nature, especially if it's a friend, you want to be generous. But the guilt kicks in immediately. And so, again, run it through the filter.
Carly Ries:And generosity, I would say, is a part of a well designed life, but not at the expense of your own priorities every single time. I would say it's okay to say no, and just say I can't right now. You don't need to offer a reason. I think people are so inclined to be like, oh, I can't because x y z. You just say, oh, what a fun opportunity.
Carly Ries:I just can't right now. And then just leave it at that. Because then if you keep going, it opens the door for negotiations or why, or getting guilt tripped into actually doing it.
Joe Rando:Great point.
Carly Ries:As opposed to just saying, oh, I can't right now. And then you don't owe them any explanation.
Joe Rando:Yeah. I just can't. Not I won't, I can't.
Carly Ries:I've been practicing this with my next door neighbor who is so good about protecting. She's so good at boundaries. She's one of my very best friends. And she's so good at it. I'll be home and be like, hey, do you wanna come over? For dinner or just stop over?
Carly Ries:I made extra stuff. She'll be like, no, we can't. The end. Like, it doesn't have to be a business thing, and it's so refreshing to the point I've gotten to start saying that. It's like, oh, can you come over to our house for x y z?
Carly Ries:And it's like, sorry, can't. And it seems cold, but it's also just like, no, protect your boundaries, and don't invite discussion.
Joe Rando:The thing that is interesting about that is it's actually a negotiating tactic in general. This thing I can't. it's funny because when we negotiate with people or, over contracts or whatever it is, you know, I learned the hard way that sometimes somebody would come back and say, well, you know, it might be, the board won't let me. you know, I wanted something and the board won't allow us to do that. And you know, the person comes off as having less power, and yet that makes their position stronger. I think you're leaning into that kind of concept when you say, I can't. Not I won't. I don't want to. I'm too busy. those are all things where it's like you said, you can negotiate. Well, you're too busy. Well, if I could help you with your, whatever, in return, and you know that's not gonna go well. But you don't wanna tell them that their help isn't useful.
Joe Rando:So the idea of saying I can't basically makes you powerless. And that's good when it comes to negotiating because they just go, oh, they can't do it. It's not that they won't, they don't care, they don't like me. It's just, can't do it.
Carly Ries:Yeah. You know what I started saying for our show? Because we actually get countless outreach emails to us now on a daily basis for guests on our show. And literally just don't have the bandwidth for everybody. And so I started saying, if it's a pitch, I've started saying, this sounds wonderful. However, it doesn't align with our current content strategy. That way it's not a knock on them. And it is true. If I say no to somebody, it's because it genuinely doesn't align with our show. But that's it.
Joe Rando:Yeah. We get people coming in, I built a 4,000 person company, and we do a $100,000,000 a year in revenue, and it's amazing. Yeah. And it's very interesting, but it doesn't apply.
Carly Ries:Doesn't apply. Not our strategy. So anyway, this is just a reminder that no is your friend. There is power in no. I would say as a challenge this week, think of one thing that will come across your desk that you'd normally say yes to out of habit or obligation, and before you respond, just ask, does this serve the life I want?
Carly Ries:And that's my that's my 2¢, Joe.
Joe Rando:Very good. Good stuff.
Carly Ries:Well, listeners, thank you so much for tuning in. As always, leave that five star review. It helps us spread the word to other solopreneurs looking to build a life first business. Share this episode with another solopreneur You know that you think would find this episode helpful, and subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast platform, including YouTube. We'll see you next time on The Aspiring Solopreneur.
Carly Ries:You may be going solo in business, but that doesn't mean you're alone. In fact, millions of people are in your shoes, running a one person business and figuring it out as they go. So why not connect with them and learn from each other's successes and failures? At LifeStarr, we're creating a one person business community where you can go to meet and get advice from other solopreneurs. Be sure to join in on the conversations at community.lifestarr.com