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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, today is a beautiful day. If you didn't know it, it's like spring, and, I mean, there's no snow. And the sky is blue, and the trees are green, and there is grass. And at the park, I can see flowers and ducks and gooses. And there are children playing, happy children.
Speaker 1:And some of them are in a class eating lunch. And I wish I was eating lunch, except I I came to park for so we could swing. Because them girls girls wanna swing and they like to swing and I can bring them here to the park by the therapist and we can swing and play and go for a walk and it's not hot or cold, and it feels so good. So we're just playing, and I was running and playing and swinging. And there's a creaking, so I go exploring because we had some hard weeks of therapy, and we need some playtime, and we do not have outside kids with us right now.
Speaker 1:So I don't even gotta be responsible. I just gotta be safe, and I know how to be safe because now time is safe. And our therapist told them girls that now time is safe forever. And our therapist said, now time is safe means we got out of there already and nobody's gonna hurt us now. And now time is safe means even if you talk about memory time things and even if it's hard sometimes, even then, it's still safe in now time.
Speaker 1:So if you have if you have if you have to talk about some things that are hard things, now time is still safe. And they cannot change it because they are dead and because we already got away. And she said we got away because we are brave and we are strong and even I am strong. I thought for just one hot minute that maybe I was not strong because I thought I was strong, but then I realized them girls got hurt anyway, and I could not get them away. So I was thinking, maybe I'm not strong, and I kinda started to fall apart about it.
Speaker 1:Everything just falling apart. But I talked to my therapist, and my therapist said, I am still strong, and I am still brave. And now time I'm brave and strong. She said those people that do bad things are just people doing bad things. They aren't really monsters that can get me.
Speaker 1:There aren't really people who can find me now partly because they're dead. So it's okay to talk about. And in memory time, I was still brave, and I was still I was still brave, and I was still strong for because I was trying. And if I was trying, then I'm still brave and still strong even if your plan don't work. Because, see, I had a plan, get them off of us, or I had a plan, get away from them, or maybe I can donkey kick them.
Speaker 1:Like like, a donkey can kick pretty hard. It'll hurt if a donkey kick you. And I think if I'm really strong, maybe I can just donkey kick them, and it'd be on like donkey Kong. But that didn't work. And I think, man, I messed everything up because them girls still got hurt.
Speaker 1:I thought I can make it stop, but I didn't make it stop. We just made Cassie. And I never thought about it before till the notebook. And I thought we just make it stop, but really, I just made somebody else do it. But I didn't mean to make nobody else do it.
Speaker 1:And so I got I feel bad because I've been mad at Cassie for a long time, and really, I was just mad at myself. I was mad at myself for needing help from Cassie, so then I was mad at Cassie. But really, Cassie don't do nothing wrong. Cassie just being Cassie, and I kinda did need her help. So so I'm glad she helped me not let them girls get hurt, but I didn't know she got hurt.
Speaker 1:And everybody's just getting hurt around here, but that's memory time. It's not now time. And if we wanna talk about it, we can start talking about it because our therapist, she knows about it now, and she knows some things. And she's she's still gonna be our therapist. She's not going nowhere.
Speaker 1:And she's still she's still my buddy, and I can share my time. And I can stay and listen or stay and help or be close and know it's okay because we are still at her office. So that can make me still a helper. Because if I'm a helper, then I feel pretty good about helping. Because now time is safe, and our therapist, her office is safe.
Speaker 1:So So when I am at the therapist, I can help them girls know it's okay. I can tell Molly, and she can help the girls get to the therapist for talking, and we can talk about some hard things. But the hard things, they are a memory time. And talking to the therapist is now time. So it feels like both are happening, but really just now time is happening.
Speaker 1:Memory time is already finished. And so one thing we talk about is is is for touching, and here's what you gotta know about touching. Touching is only okay if you want it and if it's appropriate for what you're wanting. Touching touching is not okay. If you don't want it or if you don't wanna be hurting and it's hurting you or not appropriate for hurting you, that's bad touching.
Speaker 1:But she she said not good touch, bad touch. She said safe touch, unwanted touch. And I like it better because the other one confused me some because it may have a lot of questions for Cassie and some other things and the Taylor. But if I think safe touch, like, now time is safe and what does safe mean, and unwanted touch, I know if I wanna be touched or not touched or if someone asks my permission or not ask my permission, and therapist asks my permission and pat my hand just a minute. And that's safe touch example.
Speaker 1:And if you learn example of safe touch, you know what is unwanted touch, and you know when they don't feel okay, it's okay for it not feel okay because it's not okay. And that is true in now time, and it's true of memory time. I learned that today. That's true both times. Now time and memory It can be safe touch or it can be unwanted touch, and that really helped me a lot.
Speaker 1:No else our therapist said all of us said all of us. She said that She said all of us are brave. And she said our names, I'm brave. Sarah's brave. Cassie is brave.
Speaker 1:Emma's brave. Everybody is brave. All of our names. And I feel so much better. And she said, in now time, all of us are strong.
Speaker 1:And she said, I am strong. Cassie's strong. Them girls are strong, and m is strong, and everybody's strong. And she said in now time, we're getting braver every day. Nowtime is safe, and nowtime is brave.
Speaker 1:And she said, in nowtime, we're getting stronger every day, even healthier every day. And I know it's true because I was running at the park. And and so I think it's working for therapy. It's helping for I'm brave again. I'm strong again, I'm healthy again.
Speaker 1:And also, I am safe and everybody is brave. Everybody is strong. Everybody is safe. And now time is safe and brave and strong. I was awful glad to know about that because brave and strong turns out is part of safe.
Speaker 1:So part of safe is brave and strong. And nowhere else I feel brave and strong, I'm glad we win Missouri. I like playing by the river. I like playing in the good woods. I like walking, and I like Silver Dollar City an awful lot because they got hot dogs with potatoes on them, like wrap around, curl around my big old hot dog.
Speaker 1:They got popcorn. They got ice cream. They got Dippin' Dots. They got taffy. They got sausage.
Speaker 1:They got funnel cake. They got so many snacks at that place, and I I really like that place if I tell you the truth about it because they got some good snacks. They also got some rides, but I can't go on some rides because we gotta stay with that baby. And I get to walk around, and I get to look at things, and I can keep that baby safe, that little girl. She hurt her leg.
Speaker 1:She can't walk right now, but she already got a wheelchair from being sick. So I was okay. And I said, listen, little girl. You're four now. You had a birthday.
Speaker 1:You wanna know, baby. So I'm not pushing your chair. You're pushing your chair. You gotta learn how to do it. And I teach her how to roll herself on the wheelchair, and now she can do it just a little bit.
Speaker 1:And so, Em, she said, ma'am, why did you teach her? I can't even keep up with her now. And I said, because your baby on the move. Because she's not even a baby no more. She's a big kid because she's four.
Speaker 1:She gotta learn how to do things. And I said, if you got broke leg, you gotta learn how to roll. And, also, we went swimming, and I love swimming most more than anything else in the whole world. Not like a swimming hole, just a swimming pool. But I like swimming holes too, but they you gotta find them and know you got permission.
Speaker 1:But here, we got permission for a swimming pool, so I got to do that. And when we drive from when we drive from Branson to the therapist, well, guess what? We therapist. Well, guess what? We get to bring our own sandwiches, and I like a good sandwich.
Speaker 1:I I had me I had me a sandwich, and I made a sandwich for all them kids. That means I made eight sandwiches. That means I had to get out 16 pieces of bread. You know how long it takes to make eight sandwiches? It takes a long time to make eight sandwiches, but I did it.
Speaker 1:And I brought that therapist. I brought her a present from Silver Dollar c four. She know I was thinking of her because we're buddies, but just a little tiny present for a little tiny thing of saying snack time is safe. Thank you very much for teaching me. And this day this day cannot be more wonderful or more beautiful and wonderful, and I really like it.
Speaker 1:I I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good now because I was having some hard weeks. But know what? I'm brave, and I'm strong, and I'm safe. And so I feel pretty good now, and I really like this beautiful day, the most beautiful day there ever was on the planet.
Speaker 1:So I'm kinda glad I'm here on this planet on a beautiful day like this. I see some woods, they're white trees, and I see some red buds, they're pink trees, and I see some lilac on the fences, and I see some tulips and some daffodils, and I see some forsythia. That's like a big old yellow burning bush and I know all about it because we used to have one at our house and I could see it from the attic. So I see that and I really like that bush but I don't got one at house. You know what we do got at our house?
Speaker 1:Honeysuckle. You know what honeysuckle is? It's a snack time for emergency. You can have just a little dollop. You might like it if you're out on adventure and need a little snack.
Speaker 1:And when you're playing in the woods, it make the woods smell good instead of smelling like skunk. And I think today, that therapist helped me a whole lot because I sure do feel better. I was starting to have a bad time of it, and I was having some hard weeks, but I sure feel better now. Everybody's safe. Everybody's strong.
Speaker 1:Everybody brave. That means we're not scared. We're not in trouble. We're not gonna get hurt, nothing. And if I can be really strong, I I don't need I don't even gotta be sick.
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna get all better. And my doctor said, you you don't know how to explain it. It just is looking good, and just keep doing whatever you're doing. And I said, well, what I'm doing is having a sandwich and some popcorn and some taffy and going outside and playing and talking to my therapist. And I thought maybe them dead parents, they can be the cancer and I just get right rid of them with my big old donkey kick.
Speaker 1:And I get rid of cancer with a donkey kick, and I get rid of the bad people with a donkey kick. And I just I just I just get rid of all that bad stuff and just keep the good stuff. That's what I think. So my therapist, she's kinda like chemo except she don't make me throw up except sometimes. And she don't make my hair fall out unless I pull it.
Speaker 1:So I like her better than chemo. Maybe I'll write her a letter and I'll say, therapist, I like you better than chemo and maybe she'll know she's right special. I don't want her to forget she's my buddy because now sometimes I just get a watch, but Sarah get to talk to her. And I'm glad Sarah can tell her things as she helps Sarah and them girls. But I got her there and I'm important too because I'm brave and strong and that keep us safe.
Speaker 1:So I can I can I can just not forget? And and we can play football someday, and maybe I'll remember and she'll remember and she won't forget about me. I can help them know now time is safe and now time is brave and now time is strong. And if we remember that, then I think everything's gonna be just fine.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.