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Parenting teens can be hard. Parenting teens who are in crisis is even more complicated. You were never meant to walk through this alone.
Welcome to Through the Hard - Parenting Teens in Crisis, a twice-monthly podcast presented by Pathways to Hope Network.
Join us for honest conversations that drive out shame and show us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty of parenting teens through crisis.
(00:01:15) - Welcome to parenting teens through the hard. This is Angie and I get the privilege of being your host on this journey through the heart. I am so glad that you chose to show up for yourself in this way today, because this this process of pushing play, this walk you're taking while listening or car ride you're on or even dishes that you're washing while listening is about you. Right. So take a deep breath because this moment is yours. It's pouring back in just a little of what you're pouring out for others all day long. This is this is you recognizing I need to take care of me, even if that time is still mixed in with taking care of others. And that's what makes you such an amazing mom. And as much as I hate the cliche, it's true you can't pour from an empty cup. So today we are starting a new series and this series is all about communication. That's right. We are going to be talking about well, about talking. And that's a little odd when you think about it.
(00:02:27) - But communication problems are the number one issue that I encounter with my own teens and young adults. And it's also across the board the one common issue. Every parent that I work with has and I also know this issue matters to you because our number one most downloaded podcast was episode 37 React Less, Respond, More parenting Tips for Mindful Communication. Now, if you've ever wondered why I choose to do a series for certain topics, it's because some topics are so important that I want to make sure that you get every ounce of information that you need to help you on this journey. And a lot of times that just doesn't fit into one episode. So there's a little insider tip for you. Anytime you see a series happening, that's your cue that those episodes will be rich with information designed to give you tiny little nuggets of wisdom that you can just kind of tuck into your heart and save for the next time that you need them. Plus, they are usually an indicator of things that I am working on in my own never ending parenting journey.
(00:03:42) - And so I'm able to learn and grow right alongside you. It's pretty cool that I get to do this. Now, communication is such a struggle because the dance that we have with our teens and young adults starts to change. And if you've worked with me before, you know, I talk about that a lot. See, all the ways that we used to communicate no longer work. And as parents, it's our responsibility to figure out a new way. That's right. I said it. It's our responsibility. Now, before you object. Listen, I get it. You can neatly fold up your when I was a kid story, and you can tuck it back into that hope chest, because I already know what you're going to say. And I feel it. I feel you on this one. So let me start. When I was a kid, I would not have dared to even take a tone with my mom, let alone raise my voice. And if I did, in fact, feel a little froggy and decide to jump in that direction, my mama could halt everything with just a look.
(00:04:54) - Yeah. That's valid. That is our truth. That is our relationship with our parent. And if we're honest, I think we can admit that it had its own shortcomings. Right? That was our experience. But. But it's not our child's experience. It's not their truth. It's not their parenting relationship. And spoiler alert, the world that you grew up in is not the same world that they are growing up in. So, my friend, in today's episode, we're going to be talking about some of these things. We're going to talk about why it's important to foster open and meaningful communication with our children, how our perspective is significant in the way that we handle communication. We're going to talk a little bit about the emotional and cognitive development of teens. And we're going to start to discuss how to create a safer and more open environment for those conversations. Cool, Cool. So let's get started. As I was looking into this topic of communication, the first thing that I wanted to look into was the why.
(00:06:06) - And that's something new that I'm kind of working on in my life right now when I'm struggling with something before I even start to look into a solution. I try to focus on why it's important to me. Giving me this purpose from the get go. It gets me anchored in on exactly what about the issue matters so much to me. If you think about a boat like in the middle of the sea, I'm here in Washington state. And so the Puget Sound is just like in my backyard, basically. And if I were to go out on a boat into the sound and I were to drop an anchor no matter what the weather was like, no matter what the waves were doing, they would roll in and I would be tossed about. But that anchor, that anchor would keep me grounded. And in the same way, discovering my Y first gets me anchored for the inevitable waves that I'm going to experience as I'm navigating these new waters. And that's what this is. You're learning something new. Learning how to communicate with your teens and you're a young adult especially, is a totally different way of doing things than you did with your younger children.
(00:07:29) - So why is it important to foster open and meaningful communication with our teens? Why? Why is that so important? Well, our teens and young adults have a ton I mean, a ton of influence coming into their lives right now. You know, picture a hose attached to a fire hydrant. That much influence coming into their life. They have their peers. They have their friends, their older siblings. They have celebrities, teachers, athletes, actors. And then. And then there's technology in 2022. It was recorded by Pew Research Center that 90% of all teens, 90% have some type of laptop or Chromebook. 95% have a smartphone and another 80% have video game consoles, according to the same research data, 97% of teens say they are on the Internet daily, and 46% say they are on almost constantly. You know what I had. An encyclopedia. A phone with a long, swirly cord that was prone to get tangled, and a cousin who lived two blocks down the street with a Nintendo and two games Hunt and Mario Brothers.
(00:08:56) - Have things changed? I'd say so. That's a lot on its own. But then we haven't even scratched the surface of social media. There's YouTube and TikTok and Snapchat and Instagram and Facebook, which, let's face it, that last one is mainly comprised of old folks like us. But roughly 1 in 5 teens report that they are almost constantly on YouTube. Have you ever tried to sit and watch what your kids are watching on YouTube? I'm a challenge you to do that just so you can get an accurate picture of how different things are right now. I don't understand the things that they're watching. I can't follow how quickly the person is talking. I don't even understand the purpose of the content that they're into at the time. Things are so different. Our teens and young adults are growing up in a very different world than we did. It's mobile and it's fast. And the information on the Internet, you guys, it's doubling every 12 hours. Let me give you some context in that in 1900, human knowledge doubled approximately every 100 years.
(00:10:16) - That means after 100 years. The people who were alive knew about twice as much as the people who were alive a hundred years ago by the end of 1945. The rate was every 25 years. And to give you that first statistic, again, the information on the available on the Internet now is doubling every 12 hours. We cannot compare what we did, who we were, how we behaved, or even what our lives were like with our teens. It is just not the same world. Oh, Mylanta. I'm giving myself anxiety. Okay. Oh, deep breath. Here's the point. There's a ton of influence coming in. And your voice, your voice, your voice matters. And it matters because this teenager grew up before your very eyes. You've been there through every scraped knee and toothless grin, holding a participation trophy. It matters because, you know, the areas they struggle in and where they saw. It matters because you understand the story behind what makes them who they are in a way that this world, this Internet, these peers and friends and system and social media never will.
(00:11:41) - It matters. The communication that you have with your child is like gold. Your words in their life, your ability to connect with them, your ability to communicate with them is like gold. And so trying to figure out a way to do that is so important. But we forget that. We forget to throw down that anchor. And when the storm comes, we start trying to fight against every wave and we exhaust ourselves in the process. And suddenly we don't have the patience or let me hit you where it hurts. The empathy necessary to focus on our communication. We're tired. We're tired because we're battling fights that are not ours. And we have forgotten to throw down the anchors so that we remember WHAtrillionEALLY matters our voice. Our voice in our child's life. Our voice reminds them who they are. Our voice says You'll figure it out. Our voice says, I still love you and believe in you. Our voice says, this is hard stuff that you're dealing with. But I am not going anywhere.
(00:13:01) - Long, angry lectures don't work. Shame never brings about lasting change. At least it hasn't for me, although I will admit that it sure feels good to get it out. Because, let's be honest. This is all really tough to carry around, isn't it? All this pressure for us to show up right as parents. To be perfect. To be the perfect amount of soft and hard and to give consequences and to console and to have boundaries and not be bossy. And the Internet hasn't done us any favors either. I mean, all those picture perfect moments in our feed screaming, your family sucks. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. It's a lot. And this is just another reason why having an anchor is so important. You will not get this right 100% of the time. It's just not possible. You will make mistakes. Just like your kids are. Because you've never done this before either. But that's okay. Mistakes are okay. Mistakes teach us humility and grace.
(00:14:16) - They give us an opportunity to model how to recover in a healthy way, how to say sorry, how to talk about what we're struggling with, how to make amends, how to ask for forgiveness. And those are all things they are learning from you. From your voice. Because I promise you, they're not finding that on social media feeds. It's okay. It's okay to be human. When we begin to work on fostering open and meaningful conversations with our teens and young adults. We increase trust. We reduce conflict. We improve our own mental health and theirs. They don't want to be in conflict with you any more than you do. So are we good on our anchor now? Do we understand our why? Hopefully we're all on board because we're going to circle back to an important word I mentioned earlier in my love rant. Empathy. If communication is the anchor, empathy is the anchor line connecting it to the boat that we're in. Friends. If we are basing our parenting on our teen years, our personality, who we are as fully grown adults, on what our parents did or what they expected from us, we are missing a huge, huge piece of the picture.
(00:15:43) - I would like you just for a moment to think about a behavior your teen or your young adult has that drives you crazy. One. THAtrillionEALLY pushes that disrespect button in you, that inconsiderate button or that entitled button. We certainly have a lot of buttons, don't we? That's okay. We can be honest. We're among friends here. Human, remember? So think of something. Got it. Okay. Now I want you to imagine them in a freeze frame doing that thing. Imagine I walked in right as they were in the act, and somehow I had this magic ability to push pause. Can you see them? Do you see the frozen look on their face? The one that you'd like to take this opportunity to smack off of them without any consequences? Just kidding. Just kidding. Kind of. Now, imagine that I panned up from that scene. So instead of just seeing your child in the frame, you now see your child and the entire room they're in. Maybe you see them in their bedroom, in the living room.
(00:16:59) - Maybe you see them walking out the door. All right. Hold on to that. Now pan up again. Now you see them in the room and also the whole house. Pan up again and see your child and the whole street and again your child and the whole neighborhood. The whole city. The whole state. The whole world. The whole galaxy. Is there anything bigger than that? I don't know. I never paid attention in science class because I thought I would never need this. Hm. Turns out I was wrong. Let me ask you this. In your mind's eye, can you see the whole galaxy and also see your child pushing that button? I can't. That's empathy. Empathy is recognizing that there is more than just this one button being pushed. There is something bigger happening, likely 100 bigger things happening around your child, all speaking into this one moment, 100 things that they themselves could probably not even identify. But that doesn't make them any less true. And if our communication takes none of that, none of the house or the block or the town or the city or the state or the country or the galaxy or whatever comes after the galaxy into consideration and decides to just focus on the button pushing.
(00:18:30) - How effective are we going to be? Great, Angie. But how? Will this require a trip on Space-x? Well, I'm no expert, but I think we start by doing exactly what we just did. We start by acknowledging that our teen years were hard. Oh, my gosh. Do you guys remember? We struggled with belonging and being judged and keeping decent grades and doing well in sports and having a job and time with friends and peer pressure and break ups and whether or not we were going to drink at that bonfire or take a hit from that joint and feeling like our parents didn't understand us at all, feeling like we couldn't dare tell them what we were thinking about. And then. And then adding on a whole, whole lot more. Like living in a world that entices you to get under the microscope where it can document you forever. A world that gives you a never ending exposure to a constant stream of information and wretched trolls online waiting to tear you to shreds. A world of pictures and posts and reels screaming.
(00:19:50) - Which leave you wondering if you're pretty enough, smart enough, swaggy enough, cool enough, sexy enough or good enough? A world that's bombarding you with the dangers of fentanyl overdoses and school shootings and natural disasters and rapes and child slavery. My gun. We were never meant to know all of this. I'm a grown adult and I avoid it all like the plague. But there it is on the home page every time my kid logs into his computer, perfectly designed to grab his attention and make him click. A world selling sex where 28,258 users are watching pornography every segment where $3,000 is spent on porn every second on the Internet, where 88% of the scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression and 49% of the scenes contain verbal aggression. And it's free on the computer to anybody who types in a search word that even sounds remotely like that might be what they're interested in. When I was growing up, there were magazines and gas stations with black plastic covers in front of them, and we wonder why kids act out sexually.
(00:21:22) - We wonder what's wrong with them. Empathy. Empathy is where we start. Now. I thought it was important that we spend just a few moments talking about the emotional and the cognitive development of teenagers because we so easily forget that these little humans who have surpassed us in height and shoe size and sass do not operate on the same level we do. You know, it's easy for us to remember that. When they want to do something like stay out all hours of the night. But we often forget when it comes to our expectations regarding their decision making and cooperation and rule following and risk taking. During the teen years. Our children enter into a stage where they are transitioning from what's known as concrete thinking, where they believe what they see and hear is true, and they're often taking our word for something into what's called abstract thinking, where they're beginning to have a better understanding of their surroundings. This means that they start to understand the meaning behind what others are saying and the actions they're taking. When we see our child expressing anger or frustration, we understand that there is something deeper going on behind those emotions.
(00:22:51) - That's just one example of abstract thinking. So this change is actually taking place in their brain, Like this whole new section of their brain is just lighting up and all of a sudden they're starting to see things a little bit differently. So for the first time, they begin to open up to seeing the world in a whole nother way. And they're curious about what they're realizing. Now each of our teens are going to go at their own rate because everyone's different. Some teens may be able to apply abstract thinking, let's say, to schoolwork before they're able to apply it to their own emotional or personal problems. But then you add in the fact that our teens are also juggling all the hormones. And that they tend to run more on the emotional side. And when that happens, it creates kind of a messy situation. It's like the perfect storm is going on inside them. They're having all of these new realizations about how they could possibly be thinking about things differently. And then at the same time, this influx of hormones.
(00:24:07) - Which actually get in the way of the ability to apply cognitive reasoning to situations. Cognitive reasoning is the ability to consider possibilities, emotions and the facts while making decisions. So they've got this new information that's coming up in their brain. They're seeing things new and so they should be able. To start making better decisions, do better things. But then at the same time, they've got all these hormones that are raging through them and all of these emotions that are going through them. Which hinder cognitive reasoning in situations. And when that's blocked off, Well, I'm sure you know what happens when emotions run high. I certainly do. I make decisions based on how I'm feeling and I typically end up with regrets. For teens in middle adolescence, which is between the ages of 14 and 17. Their focus tends to include philosophical and futuristic concerns, which means it's normal for them to question and analyze things more extensively. And as a result, they naturally start to pull away from our code of ethics, our morals, our values, and they begin questioning what they've been taught.
(00:25:26) - They start to come up with their own beliefs based on what they think is right and have a strong desire to develop their own identity that is separate from ours. Does this sound familiar? Please tell me this sounds familiar. What is happening with our teens and our young adults right now is supposed to happen. That's nature. That's not you being a bad mom. That's not them being a bad kid. That's not them rebelling. That's. That's nature. That's the way that it's supposed to be. See we witnessed these things going on and we start to panic because we believe they've decided to jump the track. And all we see is a dumpster fire barreling down the hill destined to crash. But it's actually all developmentally appropriate. It's supposed to happen this way. We just forget that once upon a time we had questions and identities that we were pursuing of our own. It's just part of the process. This middle adolescence is a really self-centered period of time, and I don't mean that in a bad way. Cognitively, everything in the brain is firing off connections.
(00:26:42) - And these new areas are the next areas they begin to explore. And it's all about self. Now during late adolescence, which is around 18 and beyond, you see that start to shift. And they become less self focused. They begin to have more thoughts on global issues. They begin to develop and debate an intolerance of opposing views, and they start to think about what adulthood is going to look like. They also have better impulse control and they're better able to gauge risks and rewards more accurately. And many begin to establish a more adult relationship with their parents, where they're considering themselves more and equal, from whom they can seek advice and discuss mature topics with rather than an authority figure. This for me, learning all of this, understanding all of this was huge. And I'll tell you why. I have adult children and for as long as they have been adults, I have been struggling in how to have a healthy relationship with them because I can't take the mom hat off. Because I have judgments about how they're living their lives, what they're doing, where they should be in the process, what they should be doing.
(00:28:08) - I have worries. I have concerns. And all of my conversations have always been centered around that. And so for myself personally, I've struggled with how do I have connections with my kids and allow their lives to be their lives and to not be judgmental about the choices they're making, but to just accept where they are in this path. Because if I don't do that, I don't get to have connection with them. If I'm looking at their life under a microscope, then that's my relationship with them. I am the person that's still trying to guide them in their life. I'm not somebody that they're coming to and talking to and sharing things with and trusting their hard moments with. Because if they talk to me about their hard moments, I'm just going to have advice. I might give 25% empathy and then 75%. Here's what you need to do an action plan. And then when they don't do it because it's not my life, it's theirs. Then I get anxious and worried and bitter and I close myself off.
(00:29:23) - And that hasn't been working very well for me. You know, I'm sure you could talk to my kids and they'd tell you, Yeah, no, she's a great mom. But I know that there have been parts of our relationship that have been hard for them. And so recognizing all of this and. Learning all of these things and understanding that I need to do this with my kids while they're teenagers. I need to start this process so that when they get into adulthood. I'm already conditioned in what this dance looks like, and I'm not having to learn it from scratch. And that the time to do this, the time to begin doing this is when they're in this middle adolescence period where their brains are changing and they're fighting for autonomy. That's the time to start this process so that when they hit the late adolescent period, it's a much easier transition. And that's really what this whole series is about. This is this is about me really recognizing for the first time that, man, this is key.
(00:30:33) - This is key to having strong connections with our kids. I guess what I'm saying is there's a whole lot more going on here than just a teenager acting up. You may have certain expectations of them that they may not be able to measure up to. And I think it's helpful to have an understanding of all the different factors going in so that we aren't taking things personally and allowing those things to interfere with our relationship. So how do we take the anchor of communication? The anchor line of empathy and the knowledge of all our teens emotional and cognitive development and come up with a plan for creating more of a safe and open environment for our teens that are at home. Well, I believe the first order of business we need to tackle is trust. Finally, Angie. Yes? They need to earn my trust back. Sorry, Wanda. This is not about them. This is about you. If a relationship of trust is going to be established, it has to start with you. If you have a teen in crisis and they are not regularly coming to you with open lines of communication, letting you know what's going on in their world, chances are they don't completely trust you.
(00:31:59) - And I am not saying this to shame you because believe me, I have done my own fair share of trust, sabotage in each of my relationships with my kids. It's part of the dance changing up. There's a lot of toes getting stepped on when new moves are introduced and sometimes it can take a while to sort it out until you find your rhythm. So let's start with trust. Our goal is for our kids to feel like they can talk more openly with us about what's going on. But in order for them to do so. There are a few habits we have that we are going to need to look at as we begin to practice more open and non-judgmental communication. Disclaimer. When you begin to practice this, it's going to be uncomfortable. And many times you're going to go back to the dance steps that are comfortable for you. The dance steps you already know by heart. Your muscle memory is going to pull you in that direction and you're going to step on some toes. You may even stumble and fall.
(00:33:08) - And that's all part of the process. This is going to take time, but through this process, you are going to become incredibly self aware. You're going to do your own learning and growing as you become aware of these patterns that you have in communication with your child and how your child responds to them. For this week, I want you to focus on just one thing. Listen actively. At this point, your teenager is probably not going to be very forthcoming with information that's to be expected. But in those rare opportunities where you are able to engage with your teen in conversation, I want to challenge you to do what I'm doing right now with my own teenager. I want you to pay close attention to what they're saying. I want you to listen without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. I want you to let them express their thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree. And I want you to reflect it back to them. This one change is incredibly hard because you have programmed yourself to be judge of good and bad, a judge of right and wrong.
(00:34:32) - You've learned we've learned to listen with an intent to reply. And the very first step in having open and non-judgmental communication is having the ability to just listen. I'd like to be clear about something with this exercise. And this is just my own take away from practicing this in my life with my kids. Your children may be able to tell that something is different, but the real work that is happening is the work that's happening inside you. Because as you go through this process of just trying to practice open, non-judgmental communication, you're going to recognize there's a whole lot inside of you that has reactions to just listening and not acting on the interpretations that you're making about what you're listening to. You're going to have to learn how to emotionally regulate yourself, how to not rescue, how to put your relationship with them above your need to control the situation. Let me say that again. You are learning how to put your relationship with them above your knee. To control the situation, you're going to have to learn how to quiet the gremlin inside you.
(00:35:54) - That tells you every situation your child is going through is life or death. You're going to learn a lot about yourself and you'll also learn a little about your child. When I was going through the certification process to become a coach, the entire first three months of that program, in our practice sessions with our peer clients, we were not allowed to give any advice. Our only focus was to listen with an intent to understand what was really going on with the person that we were talking to. We were allowed to be curious and ask questions, but only with the intent to better understand the person we were speaking with. Our sessions were spent listening and validating and empathizing with each other. And again and again, we each came away with miraculous breakthroughs, not because of anything brilliant our coach said, but simply because having the space to be able to process what you're feeling while having someone asking questions to gain clarity sparked awareness in us, and it gave us exactly the insight we needed to come to find our own solutions.
(00:37:16) - And through this practice, I learned that hidden within each of us are the answers that we are searching for. Instead of problem solving. Let's avoid making judgments, criticizing or condemning our teenager's choices or actions during our conversations with them. This is why we spent so much time at the beginning of this episode about our why. About the generation gap and the teen developmental stages. Remember those three things? And it's going to help you stay out of a place of judgment. Instead, use any feelings of judgment or fear that arises in you as a cue for you to get curious about what's really going on. Try asking open ended questions with curiosity to engage them to share and reflect more. Those questions can be things like What about this makes you so angry with me? Why was it so important to you to go out with your friends the other night? We've talked about this in other episodes, but play detective. Your goal in these conversations is to do your absolute best to completely understand where your child is coming from.
(00:38:36) - So we listen to what's being said and also what's not being said. And we empathize by understanding that right now their experiences and emotions are real. Validate them even if you don't necessarily agree with them. And you can do this by saying things like, I can tell that this is something that you feel really strongly about. It makes sense that you were upset with me if you felt like I was trying to control you. You aren't validating the story, you're simply validating that given the story that they're telling themselves at the moment, what they're feeling makes sense. And here's the thing We are often so afraid to let our kids know that we are struggling to. What difference do you think it would make if the next time your child was really upset? Instead of trying to fix it or shutting it down, you said, I just want you to know that I recognize I haven't been the best at listening to what's really going on with you. And that's something that I really want to do better. Would you be willing to tell me a little bit more about why you're angry right now? I don't have a crystal ball, so I don't know how this is going to turn out.
(00:39:56) - I'm actually really interested in hearing how it works for you, but I know that with my own kids, when I show them a glimpse of my humanness and my own imperfections and where I'm struggling and trying, it softens their heart just a little. It puts us more on equal footing. It helps to bring down some of the walls that they've built up. And it may just be the golden ticket to getting back the relationship that you want with them. So for the next two weeks, let's really try to follow these four steps while communicating with our teens and young adults. And you can use the acronym Sail to remember them. That's sail like something's on sail. Not to be confused with sail and the boat, which could be confusing because I was using a boat analogy earlier, but sail like things are on sale. S share your own experiences. A avoid judgment by remembering your why the generation gap and where they are in the developmental process. L listen to understand and e empathize. Remember, knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice.
(00:41:13) - So let's really take advantage of these next two weeks and let's practice this sale approach so we have a good foundation to go into the next episode in our series on communication. Shoot me an email and let me know how it's going. I would love to hear from you. You can find my email address at the bottom of this episode in the show notes. I love you and I'll talk to you next time.