Episode 42 - Trusting The Long Game: LOVE, Preparation, Listening and Learning.

Show Notes

Welcome to your weekly dose of The Psychedelic Psychologist. This week we meet and connect with David, who is integrating his first psychedelic experience. David allows us into his processing, preparation and how he came to the healing approach he felt most comfortable within the psychedelic world. He emphasizes the importance of a trusting, compassionate guide and the value it provided him regarding not only his safety but his healing.  

He describes the new found love for himself and deeply recognizing the vital importance of "keeping" and "recognizing" some parts of himself he doesn't need to release. 

This session is a wonderful reminder of allowing your expectations to be held lightly. David eloquently shares his takeaways and  hopes for his future healing journey with and without psychedelics. 

If you are looking for support integrating psychedelics, please visit:

The Psychedelics Integration Handbook. 
Healingsoulsllc.com

What is The Psychedelic Psychologist?

The Psychedelic Psychologist is a conversational-style podcast hosted by Dr. Ryan Westrum with clients and guests who use talk therapy to integrate Psychedelic experiences for healing and personal transformation. Tune in to hear people’s experiences, breakthroughs and stories of healing addiction, depression, and trauma through Psychedelics. Dr. Ryan Westrum gracefully and empathetically narrates real therapy sessions with people in their most vulnerable and transformational moments.

I would like to invite you to take a
moment in your day throughout your evening

or simply just waking up, offering you
the opportunity to examine patterns,

feeling the texture, breathing in.

And breathing out, starting to witness
what are the patterns that we walk with.

Breathing in and breathing out.

I invite you to consider patterns
that feel as wonderfully serving,

deeply connected, and fully comfort.

And as you breathe in and breathe
out, allow those wonderful

patterns to blanket you.

And now as you breathe in and breathe out,
encouraging you to look at patterns that

might be right on the peripheral, right
inside the comfort zone, but knowing.

I do not want to walk with these,
breathing in and breathing out, looking

at how I might be able to set them down.

And as you breathe in and breathe out,
feeling the magnitude, the weight.

And at the same time, the levity of
what that might look like to release,

to look at and exonerate your patterns,

breathing in and as you breathe out,
taking a moment to pay gratitude to

both the patterns that are serving

and the patterns that
we need to reflect on.

And one end with one breath in releasing
and with one breath out accepting.

Hi, it's Ryan.

Welcome to your weekly dose of the
Psychedelic Psychologist, where I

invite my guests to share stories
about their psychedelic experiences.

We cover a variety of topics
from overcoming addiction and

severe depression to finding
wholeness in spiritual emergence.

Today we have a guest that I
deeply appreciate and really

respect in their journey.

David, it's wonderful to see you.

Wonderful to hear you.

How are you coming in today?

Yeah, hi Ryan.

I'm good.

I'm coming in with, Pretty, open, heart
and a lot of, a lot of thoughts right now.

So it's, I'm in a good place right here.

When you say an open heart and a lot
of thoughts, do they feel as if they're

congealing and starting to mold together?

Yeah, I think, from my
session, I feel as if my.

I, I opened up more than,
more and was more accepting

of where I was at previously.

And, taking, taking more of, a
compassionate approach to myself.

That opening my heart is more
, Being compassionate for me right

now, which is, a new feeling.

And it's, it's, there's a lot to kind of
unpack there and try and, and try and.

I guess put , put, put to words
is not necessarily something

I'm great at right this second.

Yeah.

And I bow you for that reason, and
knowing that you recently got off of

your experience for the first time.

I wanna also honor you in something
that you said, if it's okay to witness.

is this idea of honoring and
showing compassion to things

about yourself that you really do
love and cherish and appreciate.

And I think from my vantage point,
many people will report that

they're looking to radically change
themselves or cut out a certain parts

of themselves that they don't like.

But what I'm really grateful
for in your words today is your.

Compassion too, what you are walking
as who you are in this lifetime.

Yeah, I think for me, most of the
issues or most of the things that I

was trying to, I think I was trying
to fill a lot of these, the things

anxious feeling with trying to solve
this or get better at that and.

I think from this experience, it's
made me realize that really what I was

searching for and really what I was
needing was, just overall compassion

for who I am in the moment and the,
the things that I've been able to

do and the person I actually am.

It's not about necessarily changing,
changing certain aspects of my

life, but kind of stepping back and
appreciating the person for who I am

and, you know, overall just loving
myself in a, in a more deep way.

What is the emotion I'm
witnessing as I listen to you?

I think it's, it's a new feeling
for me, so it's, it's something

where I'm stepping back and I.

Trying to understand what these
feelings are and be gracious with

myself and be kind to myself right now.

And it's, it's exhausting to be frank.

It's, it's a good feeling, but it's,
I'm very out of, out of practice with

it and it's, it's causing me to have
to work hard to, to continue to, to

think that way and feel that way about.

but I think it's a muscle that
I'm, I'm slowly over time.

As long as I keep focused on
it, we'll be able to strengthen

and not let atrophy again.

Right.

And your, your endurance is that of
both what you just alluded to, the

grace and compassion for oneself,
and yet the fortitude to keep coming

back and being kind and looking
at nuances of how to do that.

I've been deeply impressed
by you in that regard.

And this isn't just Yeah, right.

This isn't just this wisdom of, oh
goodness, I'm gonna like what is it?

Through osmosis or through some sort
of transcendence of the medicine

that you're gonna just be changed,
but there's actually work that I'm

hearing you and witnessing a smile that
comes from your face when you say it.

Yeah, I mean, I, I think this is something
that, maybe what I was, when I initially

did this was a bit mis misunderstood
by me, a little bit where I, I had read

that it wasn't, something you take to
like, it's a one thing and you get fixed.

I think I had maybe a little bit of that,
mentality, but it to me was, it was.

It helped me decouple and helped
me realize that these blocks that

I put in front of myself, these
things that I had basically put

in my life that were stopping me
from really being the person I am.

And this just helped, helped illuminate
and shine a light on that in a way that

I didn't, I actually physically felt,
I think I logically knew a lot of the

things that I, was going through, but I.

Like feel it throughout my entire body
and during the experience and after,

right after I felt it, like physically
throughout me and that that was, I

think the connection between my body
and mind I think was a big portion of

actually, understanding it more fully.

It's really remarkable to hear
you say that too, is because now

there's, practicality in that, right?

It's not just a theoretical or cognitive
construct about, oh, this new age

hippie bullshit that we have our
mind, body, and spirit aligned, that

you're actually a ringing endorsement
of feeling something different.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I, I genuinely feel like I felt
the, the love that I needed to feel.

I, I felt like the nurturing.

I think I longed for, and I like felt it
in my, my arms, in my heart, in my legs.

I mean, I felt nurtured and loved and
I think that was something that I, you

know, have been wanting for so long.

And I think that that was, I
don't think I realized how good

that feeling can really be.

And this is, and, and it illuminated
for me, like that is really

something that I strive for.

And that can come from not
just external sources, but.

within as well.

Yeah.

And trusting yourself to not only ask for
it is, but also trust that you deserve it.

Yeah.

Can you tell me a little bit about
that, about that newfound appreciation

that you deserve it and can ask for it?

.
I'm quite good at helping others and like
being there for other people, but I think

showing up for myself and asking for help
has never been a strong suit of mine.

And, you know, just talking through
it, it's, it seems like this is,

This is really what I'm looking
for, is I want, I want connection.

I really appreciate genuine connection
and I feel there's a, there was a

disconnect between what I wanted and
what I was really doing, and that, that

dissidence was really causing me most
of my pain and most of my, my issues.

And so, I think I.

Losing my, my train of thought a
little bit, but, well, what is your

body saying to you right now as the
mind is softening and as similar

to me, the words lose traction.

What's your body telling
you in this moment?

You know, that I have, I have work to
do and this is not, like, this is not.

This is not something that was a, a
quick fix sort of thing that I'm like,

okay, I'm, I'm preparing myself for
the next however long it needs to be,

and the rest of my life is going to
be, you know, step by step improvements

on myself and being better for myself
and showing up in different ways.

And I think it's, it's coming
to that acceptance this week

and being kind to myself.

Cause I think that was a big one, is
like the whole being kind to myself.

As I transition, I think was,
I'm trying to remember that as

I go through day by day, right?

As like experience kind
of fades a little bit.

And I think I need reminding
because without that, I, I

can't really continue to grow.

I super, super endorse that
and also remind you of the

love warrior in yourself.

Just going, it's okay to
actually give compassion.

I think in our culture and society, it's
so many times perceived as narcissism

or inflation of ego, but if it's done
in a compassionate way, not striving

or trying to run anybody over, mm-hmm.

, it can really be nurtured
and tended to have you felt.

. Yeah, I mean, I think, I think the, I
think the asking for things, even like

this week, I, I think I've, I've reached
out to friends and people I care about

in more meaningful ways and maybe not
asked for, for help, for instance, but

expressed how I genuinely felt, and I
think that was a good first step for me is

to like, One, how I feel about something.

How I actually, how I, because I think a
big problem was that I didn't understand

what I needed and I then, because I didn't
understand what I needed, I didn't know

really how to, a, ask for the, that help.

And I think for me, expressing how
I feel openly and basically getting

it out of my head and making it.

is the first step to then being
able to go out and ask for, ask for

that help and really ask for that
love and compassion that I, I need.

And I think that's a
really big step for me.

That is a huge step, um,
in all things psychedelic.

Could we go back to the beginning?

Because everything you're
saying right now really.

Enlivens me and awakens me to remind you
too that you are a wonderful researcher.

You trust your intuition and you flip
over rocks before you do anything.

What was your call to this medicine
and can you paint the picture for

me of what you needed as reassurance
before doing something because

it was your first, first experie.

Yeah, I mean, I, I think for six
months I had been researching six,

seven months, been researching, what
it was that I, I wanted to do., I'd

been suffering from, I suffered from
anxiety for most of my life, I would say.

And I had been on, mirtazapine
for, for almost seven, eight

years at this point in time.

And I really felt like I wasn't.

Progressing.

I was just kind of stagnating.

I didn't feel like I was getting
better and I felt kind of numb

to a lot of the world, and I
was quite unsatisfied with that.

And, I had, I had heard about,
some psychedelic therapies from

friends and heard about, ketamine
clinics and things of that nature.

And they, so I started researching that.

I started researching.

, you know, psilocybin retreats.

I started researching, guides like trip
sitters and, you know, I, to me there

was so many things that one is good for
P T S D, this is good for, like this

is more on the woowoo side of things.

This is more for like, you'll
have to do ketamine say every month

or so, and it, nothing really.

, felt good or felt right to me and to me.

I, I wasn't looking for a, I wasn't
looking for some holy experience.

I wasn't looking for some,
spiritual awakening, for instance.

I was really looking for something to, you
know, shake loose and help me get past.

. And so, it was important for me to
find someone who, was vetted and

someone who knew what was going on and
actually knew how to care for, for me.

And like, that was, that was key
because there's so many people

out there who don't, are doing it
for, you know, financial reasons

or for social reasons, or I.

It's or don't have the background to
actually support you in a meaningful way.

And to me it was important to work
with someone who was, caring and

had the experience and, you know,
was gonna be able to show up for me.

So it was a long, it was a long time
and I had to get off of my medicine

and make sure I was supported in that.

And, Prepare for all this.

I mean, it was a long, it was
a long, struggle to get to this

point, and I'm happy I did it.

I'm proud of myself for, for
getting there, but, I didn't

take it lightly by any stretch.

No, and that's one thing as I'm listening
to your words that really moves me and

actually gives me a moment to pause, is
just the complete reverence you have for

yourself and acknowledging the mountain
you climbed in preparation, clearing, we.

Not about the session or any of the
medicine work, but literally the

snowplowing you did in preparation.

I bow to that.

I respect that deeply, David.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

I mean, it was important for me to do
it right and to not take it for granted

and, to make sure I was safe because,
I mean, it is, it, it's not a, it's not

something that's light and I don't think
it's something that should be taken.

For granted.

I mean, it's, it was a good experience,
but it was something that should be

taken with a deep level of respect
and with somebody who respects you and

someone you're, you care about and like
that is going to be there for you, not

just during the session, but after.

And for the integration
portion of it as well.

Like that's a, that's a key portion.

And finding that person, and finding that.

Support structure is, is probably the
most important thing in order to be

successful, I think at, at working through
whatever you're trying to work through.

Thank you for that breath of fresh air
because it's a ringing, ringing awareness.

I hear from you and it's
clearly coming from you.

It also shows me that in this
moment, what's the snapshot

we're taking of you today?

Whether you witnessing in.

Yeah, I, I think I, I think a big
portion of the, self-love and the

self-compassion is also looking back
and appreciating where I come from and

the work that I've done for myself.

And I think that, doing this and talking
through these things, It solidifies

it again for me that I have worked for
myself and I have grown as a person

and I am, better because of the things
I've done for myself and I'm not, I

think a big, a big thing that I've
dealt with over a lot of my life is

that if I'm not constantly progressing
or like if there's one thing that fails

in my life, I fail and it's like, no.

you are still a compassionate person.

You are still thoughtful and good, and
all these things that have happened

in your life, you've like, those
things are still there and you need to

remember that because you are, you are
very loved and very, like lucky and

you've done so much for yourself and
you should appreciate that and take

pride and like be grateful for that.

I see that in you.

I witness you and I'm.

And deep debt to your ability to
see it because you also share it

and ooze it out to other people.

So let me ask you, how does it
feel now coming back on you?

Say that again, sorry.

Yeah, it's a great reminder that you've
been doing it with people and engaging,

and as you said earlier, showing
up for people and compassionately

understanding without judgment.

Others how now is.

That people and yourself are doing
it onto you., like I think that,

well just appreciating these things
is, is a lot to take in right now.

So it's, it is slightly overwhelming
and it is, I think it's, it's gonna be.

It's, it's, it's good.

And I think it's like pretty, pretty
amazing to like look back and reflect on

everything that has happened in my life
and appreciate those things, and just

slowing down and reminding myself to slow
down and looking for, those connections

again to remind me, of what I have.

I think it.

I'm growing slow.

I'm like crawling right now, and I'm,
I'm appreciating the crawl, but I think

I'm moving in the right direction.

So yeah, deep appreciation for
the growth slow, that's for sure.

Yeah.

Tell me a little bit about.

What's on the psychedelic horizon for you?

How will you know?

And without any pressure, knowing
that this did so much for you and you

reconcile it, and yet my gratitude for
your prudent approach and recognition

that it's not for the faint of heart,
how will you examine or look to see if

there's another experience on the horizon?

I.

I think I have a couple of things
that I've identified as, items that

I want to really work towards, and I
think, I knew, I know I need to put

the legwork in and the actual work
in order to, to make those a reality.

I think for me, I'm fairly
analytical, so like I, I think.

Constantly be checking back
in and see, is this working?

Is this not working?

Do I feel like I'm growing?

Am I progressing?

And if, if I feel like I'm stuck or
I feel like maybe I'm not moving and

moving forward anymore, or I'm not, you
know, being, being able to show up for

myself in the same way I did, I think
that would be, to me, the next, that

would be a, an indicator that, hey, maybe
it is time to re-examine and look at.

Doing this again and, and kind of
shaking things loose and helping

me to move forward and, and
reexamine things from a new light.

Cause I think the second time around
will be, I think I'll be able to

relinquish control a lot more.

I think I'll be able to actually
lean into it and not be afraid

of it and run away from it.

And I think I'll get a lot more
out of the experience as well.

Even though this was an,
an amazing experience.

I.

Being able to lean in and not be
afraid of the situation will be

significantly more beneficial as well.

What I witness in hearing you is a deep
sense of acknowledging that you've gone a

long ways with the work you've done, and
you are actively conscious of not needing

to use this medicine to clean things up,
but rather support you in that clean.

Yeah, I think it's a
tool to like, remind me.

It's like a, you know, hey this,
this is a part of your life.

These are the good things, these
are what you need to work on.

And it basically shines a spotlight
on the things that I are important

to me or are stopping me from
growing or being a better me.

And I think that that's really what
I'm, I want to continue to use this

tool for it cuz I think it is a very.

A very powerful thing that allows
me to make the changes in my life.

I need to, I bow to the
work you're doing actively.

I respect it very, very, very much.

What are you doing to walk gently as
you are integrating and growing slow?

What are you finding ways and
how are you noticing that David's

being more gentle with himself?

I'm continuing to journal and I think
that these ruminating thoughts that

I, I would have previously, I think
instead of letting them cycle and

circle, I, I kind of acknowledge
that yes, this is happening now and

it's okay, like you're not there yet.

And being just patient with
myself, I think I'm, I'm

just more talking to myself.

Like I would talk to a.

. And that's, that is like a pretty,
pretty awesome, thing because I'm,

I'm, I show up for my friends and it'd
be nice for me to show up for myself.

So I think that's, I think that'll
be a good way for me to continue

to support myself moving forward.