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How to stop doubting yourself and trust the f**k up - a podcast about unbecoming all the things you thought you needed to be. Here’s to loving all parts of you & leaving NONE of you behind.
Fallon: [00:00:00] it's good to have the awareness of, am I, am I self sabotaging?
Fallon: Like just like an open awareness of, could that be what this is? Because I know like me, if, if like life is starting to feel too good, you know, like in the book, the big leap by Gay Hendricks, I always [00:01:00] recommend that book to my clients of the upper level limit. Like, could I be, or is it just what I most need?
Abby: I was going to say, like, what are, what do you think the signs of self sabotage are? Like if somebody was wondering if they were self sabotaging, what would you say?
Fallon: I think the first thing is it's a, it's a feeling of like, you can feel something pulling you forward, but you're like, you're stopping yourself by either not taking action. Um, I think that's 1 of the things for me is, like, I'll just get really, I don't know. It's interesting because it'll show up in different scenarios, right?
Fallon: If I'm in relationship, I'll start an argument if I'm not consciously, but, like, I'll start to nitpick. And I think a lot of people do this. Um, but it's a lot of times for me could potentially be a lack of action. But I know also when we, you know, we talked about too is could also be too much because in a society where [00:02:00] we're always supposed to do, maybe trying to like, and I've done that before too, where I'm like, okay, I have an hour.
Fallon: I need to work. And I sit down and try to write and it's like, nothing's flowing, but I'm trying to force. I think any time you're trying to force something, um, that's a sign of sabotage or this feeling of like, I need to take action. I can feel it. I just need to step or I need to do something in a different direction, but you're not doing it, you know, like, I don't know that anybody else can choose, can, I mean, coaches and stuff.
Fallon: We can always show you like, where you could be sabotaging, but like, you really have to know within yourself and take responsibility. Like, Ooh, that could be a little bit of what's happening here without making it wrong or bad, but just noticing. And then what we can do different. How about you?
Abby: Right. Well, what I was going to say is that I think self sabotage, which is what we're talking about today, listeners, um, but it all kind [00:03:00] of starts with even like at the very beginning, even knowing. What do you want? Like, what are you even trying to create for yourself? You know, what, what are you potentially sabotaging, sabotaging yourself from having, you know, because I think the, the biggest thing is that everybody's kind of, you know, we've probably said this before, like when you're running around like chickens with your heads cut off and you're kind of letting life lead you willy nilly all around, then that in itself is Is this a self sabotage because you're not consciously trying to actually like direct what you want to create and the kind of experience you want to be having in your life, you know, so even, even just like waking up in the morning and let yourself like giving yourself over to like the chaos or the frenzy or just like whatever comes into your path is a, is a self sabotage.
Abby: I [00:04:00] think.
Fallon: Yeah. Yeah. I actually wrote a post. I was on a phone call with a friend this morning and I had said something and he was like, you need to post that. That's so good. He always tells me that we'll be in conversation. He's like, you need to post that. He's like, if you don't, I will. And it was like, you know, we've heard this.
Fallon: Don't turn a bad moment into a bad day. Or was it a bad minute that you turn into a bad day, but that it takes. You know, it really does take intention, like you're talking about, to not get pulled into the, the, sometimes chaos is good, but like the chaos that isn't gonna, that isn't helpful, that isn't supportive.
Fallon: And so, yeah, I think that's a really strong sign of self sabotage is how much do you let your energy get pulled into everything around you or that, that moment that you stubbed your toe or you, you know, you get hit in all the red lights, like, okay, well, we can, what do we want to do with that? Want to eat and kind of sit back in the flow of like, okay.
Fallon: Like I walked out of my house yesterday and I was kind of in a hurry and I was carrying too much stuff and [00:05:00] I looked up and I was like swearing in my head at the neighbor because that's what I
Abby: I know who you're talking about.
Fallon: And my neighbor is whoo. And, uh, and then my two drinks drop and I had an apple with sun butter on it and that drops.
Fallon: And I was like, yeah. And I was like, Oh, like kind of, I just took it like a little wake up call, like focus Fallon, you know?
Abby: yeah, slow down. Okay. Thank you.
Fallon: Yeah, just slow down and focus.
Abby: Take a beat.
Fallon: let's not
Abby: are we? What are we rushing for?
Fallon: Yeah, why are we carrying everything at once? And which is fine. I do that often. But, but it was the focus of like, I'm swearing at my neighbor, which is not going to get me anywhere.
Fallon: So it's just little things like that. So we can use those as redirection. And that's how I took it. I just kind of laughed. I was like, okay, just took it as redirection where. You know, I think a lot of people can take those things and like, really, I've seen, you know, past partners that would take something like that and just make
Abby: And run with it
Fallon: this whole thing for the whole day and then look for the next, yeah, today's going to be the worst day.
Fallon: And that's self sabotage as well. Versus how am I being [00:06:00] redirected refocused?
Abby: Yeah. Yeah. No, definitely. I agree with that. 100%. Um, and I think we're, where do, where do we think we see self sabotage show up the most?
Fallon: I mean, that's a good question. I think we see it in partnerships a lot. Like I coach couples and they'll be having just an amazing run and then they get in this huge blowout and I'm like, well, I guess they, they're feel good meter, they like their feel good meter got a little too feeling good. You know?
Fallon: So I think we see it in partnership a lot that way. Um, yeah, how about, I don't know. That's a great, I'm trying to think where else.
Abby: Yeah. I think partnership. That's one of the ones that I had in my head. And then, I mean, definitely when you're trying to build something new or if you're trying to get a job or you're trying to like [00:07:00] prepare for. All the things that kind of scare you, I think, you know, if you're trying to go start a business, you know, I see this a lot and we would see this a lot with like coaches or like new entrepreneurs that they like, didn't want to put themselves out there or they didn't want to go to like introduce themselves as a coach or as a new, like an entrepreneur and whatever, in whatever way, because they didn't have a website yet. And so they're like, so then you focus on like the things that, Like, Oh, God, I really have to build a website. I really have to build a website that I can seem legit before I can go out there and do all these things. And you create all of these rules around
Abby: what has to happen and what order in order for you to be able to have the thing that you want.
Abby: And that also is just full self sabotage.
Abby: It's like whenever I think it's really when in any instance where you're doing the things that don't actually matter, but they kind of like assuage your [00:08:00] brain so that it into thinking. That you're doing things that matter.
Abby: So you're doing the busy work. You're making the website, you're getting like business cards, but you're not honing your craft.
Abby: You're not introducing yourself to people. You're not going to networking events. You're not,
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: you know, you're not Writing about you're not telling people what you're doing. You're not, you know, all of that stuff. And I think like in partnerships, yeah. Like it shows up, you want to have a really healthy partnership and you want to have, you know, X, Y, Z things happen. But then you're like, but what if I'm not the kind of person who. Gets to have a relationship like that. So you, you, know, you start a fight or, and you're like, well, I'm, they're going to show me who they actually are,
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: you know,
Fallon: Yeah. I think we see it too, even with seasoned business owners at different income levels. As we embody larger incomes [00:09:00] and we, we start to steward, you know, we're starting to manage more money and as Victoria Washington, who I love says like more money is just more responsibility. And if you have a responsibility, that's going to show up in your money
Abby: hmm, Mm hmm.
Fallon: And so I think that even at different income levels, it's like, we start to because we, you know, it's, it goes in line with our imposter syndrome. Episode of we start to feel like, who am I to, you know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and then shifting that into like, who am I not to, and I'm just going to have to feel a little bit awkward at this new stage and what I'm making this mean, you know, but I also see it happen with, you know, I had a client recently who's a business owner and manages a team and she was like, well, she was really stressed.
Fallon: And she said, I know that these thoughts and feelings are the self sabotage. And I said, but she had also been telling me actually like certain things she knows she should be doing, but wasn't doing. And I said, I don't think your thoughts and your feelings about all of this is any sabotage at all. I said, I think it's the [00:10:00] lack of action that you like, you told me three different things that you know you should be doing and you should like, right.
Fallon: We don't want to shut all of ourselves, but the three things that, you know, you've been called to do, but you keep putting, you keep putting off. I was like, that's actually the sign of the sabotage. Not, not the thoughts, the feelings or the stress around the experience that you're having. And so, you know, even in like, we see self sabotage a lot in the way that we eat, the way that we don't move our bodies, you know, or don't, don't act
Abby: Great, great examples of self sabotage when you are trying to, you know, feel a certain way or be a certain, you know, get stronger or better or whatever. Okay. or just healthier in general and feel better in your body and but yet you you reach for maybe the processed foods over
Abby: the
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: nutrient dense foods.
Fallon: you make a commitment to yourself or want a devotion to yourself and then you don't follow through, [00:11:00] that's, that's a little bit of sabotage y. Um, and again, like, we don't have to make ourselves bad or wrong for it. We just get to notice like, ooh, That's what I'm doing.
Abby: well, and in those moments, I think like one of the things I wrote down was, um, the question to ask, like, are you self sabotaging? Like, are you reaching for the potato chips? Because you don't actually want to have this, this, you know, healthy, fit, whatever body that you want, or are you reaching for them because you do, but you think you're, you're afraid that you're going to fail, or you're afraid that like, you're not the kind of person who can have that kind of body or have that kind of health or because you haven't worked hard enough for it and therefore it's never going to happen.
Abby: So why even bother, you know, that's where like,
Fallon: That's a bar right there. I haven't worked hard enough because you can plug that into anything into a career into business. I haven't worked hard enough for it. So I don't get to have it.
Abby: I don't deserve it.
Abby: I don't get to have [00:12:00] it. I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of it. That's not for me. It's for other people. That's like such a common one. Like, well, it's yeah, it makes sense that other people get to have that because like, they're the kind of person who that happens for. But like, that just doesn't get to happen for me. And like, that is one of the most self sabotage thoughts that we can have, because that will stop you in your tracks every time. Well,
Fallon: the best ways to move out of that when you catch yourself in self sabotage? Because it can feel really hard. Like, it's a tug of war. It's like you, part of you knows what you Can do, but there's a part, you know, and it's the comfort zone. It's the ego. It's the, it's the nervous system.
Fallon: That's so prime to the familiar the familiar. I don't want to say health. It's like, sometimes are familiar is really great that we are like nervous. There's a very part of a small part of us, or maybe a big part of us, depending on what's happening. Nervous into that expansion, the next level, the unfamiliar.
Fallon: And so what do you feel like are the best ways [00:13:00] to guide yourself out of that? If you don't have a support system around you, you don't have a coach, you don't, you know, you're not in a group course, you're not, you don't do like, what is the best ways that these, that we can all move out of when we notice like, Oh, that is what I'm doing.
Fallon: What is the next best step I can take from this into trusting myself that I can handle the unfamiliar and this growth and getting out of this comfort zone that I'm in.
Abby: I think it's one of the first things is asking yourself. Another thing I had my notes asking yourself, like, what, what are you afraid you might lose if you have this thing?
Fallon: Or what, what bad things happen, what bad thing
Abby: yeah, what bad thing might happen? Who might you lose? What might you lose? Because all of this, it always comes back to like the three most important things to being a human, which is, you know, losing your sense of love, safety or belonging. And. If you are trying to do [00:14:00] something different than the group that you're around, than your friend group, you know, or like something that's maybe you and your partner have been together for a long time, you're doing something and it's changing who you are, and you really feel, feel yourself called into going into that direction, but you're afraid that if you really step into that, then you're going to lose your partner, or you're going to lose your best friend, or your parent, or your family is going to be like, who are you?
Abby: We don't even know you anymore. You know, all of that kind of stuff, which is like love, safety and belonging, like all in one. So it's like, anytime we are challenging ourselves to follow like our intuition and go after the things that we want or become the people that we want and, and the health example, like what if you're, you know, your friend group, like they love to kind of go and just hang out on the couch and have snack foods and eat comfort foods and. Chat [00:15:00] and have movie night and all of that's really great and comforting and fun. And that's what you guys are used to doing together. But then what if you're the friend who wants to start going on walks in the morning, or you want to like meet up for hikes instead of meeting up to like sit and watch movies or,
Abby: and then they're like, well, we don't want to do that. And so then you feel like you lose some of that, you know? So I think it's off identifying, like asking yourself that question so you can know for yourself if there is. An underlying or just kind of subconscious fear that's keeping you rooted in that same place so that you're not beating yourself up or not taking action because there's a real, real integral core reason that you're not doing the things that you're very, very afraid of that you probably don't even realize that you're afraid of. So
Abby: asking yourself that question. Yeah. Whether it makes sense Exactly. And oftentimes it [00:16:00] won't because it's emotional. You know, it's,
Fallon: it's the body, it's the
Abby: it's the body.
Abby: Yeah, it's all that.
Fallon: sense. Yeah.
Abby: And so I think it's, it's identifying that first and then, then if there is a fear of losing people or losing a part of yourself, you know, if it's, if it's people, then you can talk to the people that you love and you can, you know, get their support, you know, and once you see you have support from people, then it's a lot easier to move forward in this direction without having the fear that you're going to lose them. If it's a fear of losing part of yourself and your identity. And that's where it, it's kind of asking more questions,
Abby: but I would say, I would say it's, it's being really gentle with yourself and just doing like sitting with yourself and doing some breathing and asking, and like just really loving on who you are [00:17:00] and also like tuning into the vision of what you want to be stepping into and how amazing that's going to be.
Abby: And Yeah.
Abby: and like how much love you have for you now. And also like you along the way, along the journey, every step of the journey, and then like you as this version that you're, that you're stepping into, that you're embodying.
Fallon: Yeah. I love that. And you can ask yourself too, what pattern am I, do I keep repeating? Cause that's going to give you a lot of insight. Like, what do you notice that you keep doing or keep thinking that is on repeat? Like you, maybe you are so routined that it's, there's no wiggle room for you to grow into the next step.
Fallon: So you can also look at like, not only what might I lose or what bad thing might happen if, if I receive ABCD, whatever, but also what pattern am I repeating that it's a little expired now. That I need to look at and like, yes, be gentle with [00:18:00] yourself. Um, always. And the thing is, is you will lose people.
Fallon: Like, I love that. Yes, we can talk to the people and get support, but at the end of the day, those people are supporting who you are now. They love the idea of drawing well, you know, hopefully most people, but there are going to be people that you will lose in the process because they actually won't feel comfortable around who you're becoming, but that gets to be your protection.
Fallon: You know, that's something I had to tell myself too is, uh, through the years, as I've lost, you know, many people was, well, that's a form of protection. Not because they're necessarily bad people. I don't have to go into like demonizing them and creating all these stories about who they are or, but it's, it's a form of protection.
Fallon: And
Abby: Well, it makes space. It makes space for also the people who are more aligned with the person you're becoming to then come in and be in your space and be in your energy and be a part of that journey with you.
Fallon: yeah, which I
Abby: people will come in.
Fallon: you and I are a good example of that. There's no rhyme or reason that Abby and I should have ever met and become. [00:19:00] As great a friends as we are,
Abby: hmm. Mm
Fallon: it's like, we were both doing the work. We met in a mastermind and we have literally been like besties sense. I mean, that was what, 2020, 2020, four years.
Fallon: And so, so you and I are evidence of like, when you do that, different people leave, but then better people for us come in and like, what? So if you can start to look at where other people have evidence of that, and you can lean on that. I'm like, okay, I might lose people. You will lose people in the process, but you'll gain.
Fallon: Like, you have been like the one of the best Transcribed Friends I've ever had in my entire life, the way they support, the way that you show up, that just who and who you are, how you carry yourself, all of it, that I, you know, I don't know who I had to lose to get you, but I already know it was worth it.
Fallon: You know, it's like, I don't know who it was because I don't, I don't know how God in the universe keeps track of that pattern, but like, I already know it was worth it. Um, and then you, and then other, you know, the ego death, like you were talking about, [00:20:00] some of your identities will die and it will feel like a death and you will go through a grieving process potentially.
Fallon: And also who, who you become in that, like you said, the journey on the other side is like, it's just priceless.
Abby: Right. And there, I mean, and we've talked about, I think all of the ways that kind of the little the tools that you can use to support yourself along the way. But I think just the core of the integral part is, is always going back to just, you know, being with yourself gently and lovingly throughout the process and talking to yourself like you would talk to a child who's learning something new.
Abby: Right. And he was experiencing something new for the first time. And that's probably the biggest thing that you can do for yourself is just to be gentle and be kind and, and not, um, Like berate, you know, I think that's the biggest thing because when you're trying to do something new and you're, and it's [00:21:00] uncomfortable and you're doing something for the first time, or you're attempting something for the first time, just not, you know, not judging yourself, not telling yourself you did it wrong, or you're stupid, or that was dumb for you to try this thing, or it was dumb for you to, you know, think that you could be this different version of yourself or, you know, all of that.
Abby: Yeah. It's just like, okay, we're learning, we're doing this, we're doing it one step at a time, and we're going to be okay, and we're just going to keep moving forward, even when things feel scary, even when things feel like it's, maybe it's taking longer than I thought. That's okay. Like, we're still going to keep moving forward.
Fallon: And I like to rely on the message of like, anything that's for me, won't miss me. Like it's not going to, I'm not, I can't miss out on anything that is really for me in this life. And then, you know, I also want to remind you all that, like, I had a client recently that she said, I feel like I'm taking 10 steps forward and then 12 steps back.
Fallon: I said, well, why do you feel that way? And she said, because of my [00:22:00] emotions. And so just want to remind you all your emotions can't dictate if you're moving forward or back. They're there. They're energy in motion. They're there to give you feedback, but don't,
Abby: there to guide you.
Fallon: they're there to guide you. They hold wisdom.
Fallon: They're also a cleansing, uh, their feet. There's so much there, but don't make how you feel mean that you're taking steps backwards or yourself sabotaging. Just notice how you feel. And then something I always recommend is. If you are in kind of a stuckness or you feel a little sabotage, you just take one, like Abby's kind of saying is one small step.
Fallon: What's, what's, you know, you, so the you that wants to sit on the couch, but you know, as being a little sabotage y, go for a walk around the block before you sit on the couch, just so you start to get that forward motion. And then the duality of this is, I also had a client who was like resisting rest. She needed sleep.
Fallon: She called to do a whole session with me and I was like, I think you just need to sleep.
Abby: Usually they're like, she's resisting rest, but in my head I'm like, she's resisting arrest.
Abby: She's on the run,
Fallon: She's on the [00:23:00] run. No fugitives here. But it was like, so it was funny because I said, you know, that's also the other side of sabotage is, is like Abby has said to the biz, like you stay so busy that you won't even just rest and let your body just let go or acclimate maybe to this new level that you're in or acclimate to this new, all the healing that you've done.
Fallon: To integrate. So the other side is sometimes we sabotage what we most need because what we most need isn't what society has taught us is okay to have. And so notice too, where you really are, might be called just to take a damn nap for a week, watch Outlander,
Abby: but for, but like definitely watch outlander for sure.
Fallon: highly recommend,
Abby: Yeah. I think that's, that's a great way to end it. Just that, you know, when you are feeling a little self sabotaging, what's the, what's just a very easy doable, tiny little step you can take forward. It [00:24:00] doesn't have to be crazy. Doesn't have to be anything
Abby: nuts, but yeah,
Fallon: you don't, have to like it though. Sometimes I take small action. I'm like, this is the last thing I want to do, but I know it is what I most need. And like, for me, literally it was a walk this morning. I was like, I don't want to do that. But I knew, it was a walk, found three feathers on the way, um, those, it's, it's not always what you want to do, but it's not also, it's not torture, you know,
Abby: right. Right. And from a very practical standpoint, the busy factor of doing the things that keep us busy versus doing, you know, what, doing the things that are actually going to move the needle. I was just talking to a client about this the other day and, you know, about getting a job or starting kind of like the job prospecting.
Abby: And I was like, okay, so who are actually Instead of going through going on LinkedIn and looking at all the jobs that like hundreds of people have replied to like, which just feels like poop, you know, instead of that, [00:25:00] what about going to an event? That has people that are in the same industry that you want to have more connections and maybe you go to that event, you meet some people, you talk to them face to face. How does that feel? Does it feel any better? Okay, that's an action step, you know, and connecting with, with friends who are in the same industry who. You know, friends and old colleagues and whatever, doing that, scheduling a coffee, going in again, meeting them in person. And so that you can just start moving the energy towards, like, and telling people, putting it out into the world. This is what I'm looking for and, let the people bring the connections or, you know, instead of being a faceless, nameless person on the Internet. So,
Fallon: yes,
Abby: doing the things that actually move the needle and feel good. Yeah.
Fallon: feel like better than, so even if it's like, that's scary for you, but it [00:26:00] feels better than saying behind the screen, applying for the LinkedIn interview. position. And whatever it is for you, it feels better than even if it doesn't feel super great because it's not always going to feel good, but also it does get to, it gets to feel exciting and good and scary at the same time.
Abby: Yeah. Exactly. And it's like, if you're trying to, I don't know, you're trying to meet, meet a man and you don't want to go on the dating apps or something, maybe it's like, maybe I want to go do a class that I've been wanting to try. And you're just putting yourself
Abby: into the world to meet people in an organic way. And that feels a little bit better. And that's something that. It's fun. Move the needle in the direction of things that you're wanting.
Fallon: I love it. We only have, um, like two more episodes after this till the season wraps. Our
Abby: if you guys have any, um, thing you want us to talk about, let us know, please. And we will be happy.
Fallon: [00:27:00] team,
Abby: your request.
Fallon: our team will take care of that for you.
Abby: Yes. Yes, they will.
Fallon: The team is Abby and I.
Abby: That's our huge team.
Fallon: Until next week. We love you.
Abby: We love you. Thanks for listening.